{August 17, 2018}   Looking For Something To Do

Laying here trying to decide what to do. I just got home from Bff’s house. I picked the girls up after work and went over for a bit. As I was leaving there my mother called said she was ready to be picked up in a little bit. She stayed at my sisters last night. I was really hoping she was going to stay there tonight too since I had not heard from her already. I already told the kids I may get called back into work tonight.

I am trying to decide what I am going to do or want to do. I just want a break get out of the house a bit. I don’t really have money to do anything so nothing big. Just go sit at the river or walk the beach.

I messaged Sleeping Beauty and told him he should go to the beach tonight. He didn’t respond back but he is at work who knows what he is doing. That was about 12 something. I messaged him when I was getting ready to leave bff’s house he hasn’t read it. I have to go to the store and go get my mother. Then decide what I am going to do or where to go. I want to drink, I don’t know why. I just do. I could go up the street to this place I go once in awhile. I probably spend $3/$4 drink for free after that. Thats not a good idea because I may not stop and that wouldn’t be good. I may just go walk the beach by myself. I don’t like to but it would probably be good for me.

I am just tired of the only people I really see and talk to being whoever is at work, most the time I am alone, or here at home. And even when me and bff talk and things its different anymore. I need other single people to hang out with and talk to. But aren’t all about partying and going out all the time.


{July 26, 2018}   I Would Get Married Again

I have been thinking about what I want in life, where I want to go, what I want to have, who I want to be with, how I want that relationship to look and work, what I want from it, what I am willing to give.

The thought of so many guys wanting to get married and have kids this late in life. It just still blows my mind. Marriage and having kids are no go for me. They have been deal breakers and no budging on them.

Now thinking about this I can 100% see where RC was coming from with somethings. Back to that later but it just hit like bricks.

I was thinking a lot about what and how much am I willing to put into a relationship. How do I make someone see why I feel that way? Make them see it is not anything to do with them but me and things I been thorough.

Like with these two and others wanting to get married and have a baby. Well one says no now but actions speak louder than words. But I have been thinking about this because it seems to be what guys want. Thinking about the baby and the one. I know how much kids mean to him and he didn’t get to be there for his when they were little. I know how much that bothers him. But I can not give him a baby. And the reasons are along the same lines as to why he wants more. I don’t because of the way my kids have been done by their fathers. Not saying he would do that but I don’t want to put another child through a break up amd broken home. I am not “looking” for a “daddy” for my kids never have been never will be. But one thing regardless is that whomever I end up with is going to have to like my kids and be a part of the family. My kids are to little for me to be the go between for the next 13 years. I want someone it isn’t forced or awkward. That is one thing I liked about Sleeping Beauty he got along with the kids and wanted to do things and talk with them be there for them. You could tell he cared about them. They took to him and liked having him around. I can’t give him a baby but I can give him 4 great kids who care about him and like having him around. That need a strong male roll model in their lives. I can promise him that I am not going to just up and decide that this is not what I want or that he did something to piss me off or find someone else and leave. That if we have a problem I am going to come to him and work it out. They just have to be willing to talk and work it out not run or avoid it. I don’t want to fight I just want to sit down and work it out. I have fought to much in my life I just want to be happy and work things out. So if being a part of a family who is going to truely care about him and wants to have him I can offer that. But I can’t give him a baby.

Now the marriage part I never wanted to do it the first time muchless do I want to do it a second time. But when thinking about all this yesterday it kind of hit me that either one of them could step in and really be there for my kids and be close to my kids. And if it really worked out and things do not improve with their dad they would have them to fill that and that would be fine as long as it came about on its own between them and not forced or pushed. It wouldn’t be, just like when I was with RC. The kids were given their space to decide how and what kind of relationships they had with us. Some warmed up faster than others. But if it came down to it and we really became a tight knitt close family and they took him in as dad and he took them in as his I would consider marrying again. And really making us a family. If their dads didn’t come back into the picture even letting them adopt them. But that would be the only way I would consider getting married again.

Now I can see what RC was talking about getting married and adopting his boys. But we not been together near long enough to consider that at that point. I had to much other stuff to worry about and take care of before we could of gotten to that point. But i see wanting to do that if things are good everyone is close and the other parent isn’t in the picture.  If the kids wanted it.

I am sure it probably would never come to that. But just thinking about things in a different state of mind really lets you see things that maybe you didn’t before or understand them better. Thinking about it does seem that he did really care and wanted more but that his problem did get in the way and her coming in the picture when she did wasn’t a good idea. But everything happens for a reason and maybe like this and other things I will figure it out and where I am supposed to be now.

{July 4, 2018}   Making You Look Fancy

My Little Bitty wanted me to do her make-up earlier so I did a little just playing. I am now laying here on my bed and she comes in with the make-up and tells me she wants to do my make-up. She says she she is going to make me look fancy because I need to get married.

I ask her who I was going to marry? She said she didn’t know but I needed to find someone. If she made me fancy then I could find someone.

So far we are on try number two of my makeover because apparently the first time she did it I looked trashy. Now she informed me I look like the joker instead of fancy. She just needs to do it one more time she will try her hardest to make it good.

We are going to have to spot this is a cheap make up kit and it is starting to bother my face. All I need is to breakout into some kind of rash or something when I have to go to work tomorrow.

{August 2, 2017}   Went to the Courthouse

I ended up having to call out of work Monday because Little Bitty was up and down all night sick and then woke me up at 6 something in the morning puking all over herself and the bed beside me. I got her a shower, cleaned up the bed and took her back to bed. I was up and down trying to call work to tell them and trying to get a hold of my friend that my oldest was spending the night with. I needed them to stop and get me something for her fever because we used the last of it in the night. She finally came home around 12 or so and we were still laying down because I had not slept. Every time I start to go to sleep I had to get up for something. I was going to take her to the doctor that after noon before they closed we were trying to nap before we went because I could’t hold my eyes open. I couldn’t drive I was so tired at that point. I heard someone knock on the door and told my oldest to get it. I figured it was the church people who come around every so often. I told her to tell them I couldn’t come to the door. She came back and said there was a man at the door wanting me. I ask her if it was the church people she said no some guy she never seen before. I ask her what he looked like what he was wearing or what. She said just jeans and a company shirt. I was in a t-shirt I put on a pair of my jeans that were laying here and went to the door. It was a friend of mine I haven’t talk to in forever, Father of the Years boss.

I closed the door and went outside to talk to him. He handed me an envelope with money in it and said it was from Father of the Year. There wasn’t even a months worth of support there. He said it was for the last three weeks that he had been working for him. He said something else and he said yeah I guess he got MARRIED last Friday. I didn’t act surprised, shocked or like I even cared. I laughed and said that should turn out good. He looked at me funny said why? I told him everything, how he met her, how they did all this behind my back, how I helped her and helped her, how he took the kids to school told them all this he was going to do, how he told them he was going to go get a place so he could see them and things, how he had his other job making $18 an hour and had a grand in his pocket the day he left and another grand or close to it every day after that but was still homeless and car less, how he didn’t go and lost his job everything. I told him how the kids have not seen him on over three months he had not paid me refused to and all his excuse. How he told me to take him to child support that he couldn’t pay me because he would have no record of it. I said why couldn’t he get a book for me to sign he did and I did a few times but then he stop bringing it, he could get a money order keep a copy/picture of it the stub, he could take that money he makes open a bank account and write me a check. So not being able to keep a record of it isn’t why he isn’t paying. I told him how he sold his truck for $500 to pay for a room. I told him that I knew for a fact that he has a drug problem and how he goes through $150 to $250 every day or two. How many people have ask me what he is on what happen to him and told me how every time they see him he is high as a kite. He said well now that I know that I am going to have to keep a close eye on him because he is working for him and he is responsible for what happens if he messes up or gets hurt and things.

I told him he would be getting paper work from child support to take it out of his check. He said he would have to fire him if that was the case because he didn’t want to deal with them. He said he pays them under the table and things he didn’t need to be involved with all that. I said well you can tell them he is fired don’t work there all you want. There are plenty of people who see him all the time working and there. He said no I mean I am going to go home and get rid of him I am not just going to tell them that. I said well if that is what you have to do but I have to watch out for my kids and get things set up to make sure my kids are taken care of. He said if I take out much more then it is going to leave him with only about $100 a week to live off of, I am trying to leave him and his new family (he has no family it is him and her) money to live on and make sure you are getting your part too. I said oh well if that is all it leaves him with not my problems. He hasn’t cared all these months and the months before when he would only pay what he wanted and when he wanted and the last three he has left them with nothing. If that is the case then maybe she needs to go get a job too. He just looked at me said yeah your right but at least this way you are getting something if I fire him he will not have anything to give you. I said if I don’t do this now then it will take months to do and I don’t have months to play with this down the road when he decides to stop coming to work for you or you decide you get tired of him not calling or showing up and being late all the time. I said then I have to start all this court stuff over. I told him I want to move after the first of the year and need it in place so that when I am not here and can’t go to court it is done and if he stops they will just go after him and make him pay. He said well I guess I am going to be going home and telling him he has to find a different job then because he comes with to much baggage and drama I don’t need to be tied up in that. I said it isn’t you it is him and all he has done the last few years. I said I am done playing his games, I am having to do this with no help from him, I am having to work in order to pay his part and take away from me being here for my kids, taking a way time I could be doing my school and doing my school on top of it all. He knows all this he left here the day he left knowing he was supposed to give me money for food and pay the lights when I ask him he said he wasn’t giving me anything to bad and go to child support so that is what I have done.

We talked a little more about it all he said please don’t tell them he was working or is working for me I am going to go home now and tell him he has to find something else. I give you my word, he said we meet at my house every morning at 8 am you are welcome to come by any day you want and check for yourself he will not be there he is not working for me anymore. I know he is right but about not getting anything if he gets rid of him but at the same time if he tells him not to pay me and he wants the money he has to give it to him because he has no paperwork saying he has to take it out and pay me or that he can keep it and give it to me other than what he told him. When he isn’t making money or don’t make anything hardly one week then he will tell him oh don’t give her, hers this week. He said something about what he is making and things I said well he is capable of making that and he is capable of making more with you too but you see just like he took off last week to get married and whatever else he has taken off for he takes off all the time. When the judge looks and goes oh you could have worked x hours these weeks but you chose not to then he going to say you could have made x amount of money but didn’t want too. You knew you had to pay your child support and would need money for yourself if you were worried you would have worked the hours you were given but you didn’t so you must not be worried about making the money or must not need it that bad or you would have. He said yeah that is true, he said I think he needs to go and find another job making what he was because I can’t pay him that and he needs to have something on the books and someone who is willing to take it out of his check.

Before he left he said if you change your mind and just want me to take it out and bring it to you then let me know and I will give him his job back and we will do it. He said I am going to tell him he needs to come talk to you and try to work out something with you, if you and him decide on an amount to take out and for me to just take it out and bring it to you and you yourself call me and tell me hey we talked we agree to this or that then I will too but I am not taking him back if I don’t hear from you. I said but he won’t contact me. He said I don’t know I think he will, I said he hasn’t this long to even see how his kids are he won’t for that. He said I think you will be hearing from him in the next day or so. I just said okay and he left. It’s now what Wednesday night and he has yet to try and get a hold of me and talk to me to try and work anything out. I have thought about it and I probably messed up by taking the money because I was looking at going to court on abandonment if he didn’t pay or contact them for the 6 months or what. But now I took the money it will probably start over. I have been thinking about it the last few days and I am thinking that I should just tell him he needs to get a hold of me figure his child support by his new rate of pay then add a little to it for the back pay he owes me, tell him he has to pay that much a month I need it every week given to me. I am also going to tell him I need to have his address and phone number like he is supposed to give me per court order and try to get him to give me so much of the back pay upfront. If not then at least get him to give me his phone number and address so that if anything happens he decides to try and take the kids without me knowing then I will have a place to start looking for him. I bet he will agree to everything but the giving me his information. I am also going to tell him if he wants it to be figured right then he needs to give me proof of rent and bills not just his word and that when he comes to talk to me we will meet at x spot and he is not to bring her with him because it has nothing to do with her. When he tries to play but she is my wife card it does, I am going to say and these are your’s and mines kids not hers so therefor it has nothing to do with her. We are going to decide this not us, her, your boss, my friends, and yours. Once we agree to it then that is that it isn’t being changed unless we go to court. If he wants to agree to it all then I will go talk to his boss, if he don’t then he can be jobless.

I don’t want to do it at all but if I do I can tuck that money away and not touch it unless I have no other choice, then when I get enough to pay a lawyer I will just go get one and tell his boss look it is getting close to time for me to move so I am going to have to go get this done through the courts just letting you know so you can do what you have to or want to do. Then go talk to the lawyer. I still have a feeling that he is working there. I don’t know what to think. My friend lives like two blocks away from him. School starts back next week she will be going by that way she is going to sit at the store on the corner by his house see if she see’s father of the year over there or in one of the trucks when hey all leave and head out.

A bunch of them come into work just about every day, I will make it a point to get away from the back and into the lobby and start chit chatting with them and after a little bit be like yeah I think my ex husband works with you guys, you know father of the year? See if they say he don’t work there no more or oh yeah he on a different crew or what. Like I told my friend the boss’s brother likes me always has, he tried to talk to me and get with me when he would come over to me and Father of the years house when we were together and things were good between us. I told him no that wasn’t right and he couldn’t come back around. I will get a hold of him and see how he has been, tell him lets go out have some drinks or something. He will spill his guts before we get to the first place. Then I be like thanks for the information, oh got a call, oh got go home something up with kids we will have to do this another time. He will tell me if he is working, where he is living and everything. If he isn’t working for them but somewhere else he will tell me if he knows.

I am thinking about calling him telling him I have checked into some things if Father of the Year wants to meet and agree to something then we can meet and do it this way. Just so I can save the money for a lawyer. I am not going to tell anyone that I am even getting it if I do decide to do it.

{April 7, 2017}   Starting To Think It’s True

{March 29, 2017}   Admit Your Mistakes

{February 20, 2017}   Men can be Assholes Sometimes

Me and my friend got to go out Saturday and what a night it was. We went to this little bar north of us that we went to last when we went out a few months ago. We liked the music and things there and it was busy but not super loud and so packed you can’t move around the place. We went in and sat at the end of the bar ordered a couple drinks and were talking. In a little bit this guy came in and sat down on the side of the bar the stool around from my friend and he was acting strange. My friend said he is on something he is tweaking like crazy. I said yeah I see that. He had his phone and something else he laid $50 on the bar and was messing with his phone. Then it happen he turned to us and started talking to is. He was telling us to pick a song to listen too and pick any song think of he was going to play it. I guess he had some way to pull up a site for the jukebox and use his credit card to pay and pick songs from his card. Then he ask us our names and things.

Me and her were talking and I said I wish we had someone to drive us and we needed to find someone who could drive next time. I don’t drink a lot at all when I go but I like to have a few and I then if we want to go to different places it makes it hard. I don’t drink just a beer I drink liquor or shots, don’t like beers at all. I just don’t want to take the chance of getting pulled over for something because they are just arrest happy even if I was fine. All of a sudden he looks up and says my friend took my truck and my girlfriend, toss me out and left me here. I’m high on cocaine and drunk!!! We just looked at each other like he didn’t just say that did he? We just acted like he hadn’t said anything and went on talking he would pop up and say something here and there. He ordered something and paid with his $50 when they sat it down I think all they gave him was a water with a lime in it. It was in a clear plastic cup not a glass like a drink or shot. But then they charged him for water and slice of lime. He talked to us off and on sitting there then got up and was walking around the bar talking to people.

While he was gone this older guy came up sat down and started talking to us. He kept talking about making making yourself happy. How no one can make you happy you have to please yourself. Then tells us this joke about this guy and a hooker and the guy having a little dick. Some how we got on the subject of being married he said he had been married 4 times. My friend said yeah she had been married 3. They were talking about they weren’t going to get married again and things. Then he ask me if I was married and I said not anymore. I said one and done I am not getting married again. Some how the fact that I had 4 kids came up and he said oh well you don’t have to worry about that anyway no one wants you with 4 kids!! At first I thought he was joking and then realized real fast he wasn’t. He just kept going on and on about how no one wants a women with 4 kids and no one is going to ever marry me. At first I was just going to say something smart ass off hand to him but when he kept on and wasn’t joking I was floored and getting pissed off. I said that’s okay because like I said one and done I do not want to get married again. Then he started saying yes you do! Men like to mess around and like to be with different women but women just want to be married and with the same man and the things that come with being married. I said well I can tell you that isn’t always true and that I have been on my own for 4 years and happy and still don’t want to ever be married. He again kept on telling me how he knew I did and I didn’t know what I was talking about. I said I don’t want to live with anyone, I don’t want them to meet my kids, I don’t want to meet theirs we see each other when we have free time and we can and that is fine if we can’t then next time. He is going on and on about how women don’t like just dating or seeing different guys and being with different guys like guys like being with different women. My friend looked at him and said I cheated on my ex’s, more than one of them so that isn’t true at all. Then he says to me you better just get them kids daddy back to take care of you and them because no one is going to ever want you. I said well you sit here and say hat but it’s funny that I had a relationship after my ex and that is how i had my 4th. She don’t have the same father so for no one to not want a women with 3 or 4 kids I was with someone with three and have had many want to get together since I had my last. Then he asked my friend if she had kids and she said three but they were 17 and up. He said yeah your about what 43? She was so mad she said no I’m 38. He said oh close enough what I thought about my age, I’m 58! I just laughed she was like no not close at all really. Then he said see your kids are older you shouldn’t have any trouble finding a guy and shit.

Who does he think he is to just walk up and start talking to someone he don’t even know and say that kind of shit to them? I wanted to just reach across the bar and punch him in the face. Of course not every guy is going to want a women with kids or if he does maybe not 4. But that is okay everyone is at different points in their life and need or want different things at different points in their life. They may not be ready or able to handle 4 kids. When I got with RC he was a little freaked out at the thought of 3 extra kids besides his own two. But he was willing to give it a chance. If he wasn’t that would be fine too. I would rather someone tell me they don’t want to take on a relationship with someone with kids or that many kids than do it then decide later it isn’t for him or he just want to push them to the side and it just be us. Because that isn’t an option, just like if I met a guy with kids if I am not looking at it as a relationship with him and the kids then it isn’t going to work either. Even though I do not want to bring my kids into the mix upfront and I don’t want to bring his into upfront, we both have to still be accepting that they other person has kids that will be brought into the relationship at some point and be okay with that.

Does he not think how saying something like that to someone could effect them? He had no idea why someone got divorced three kids or ten kids later. He don’t know what she has been though or what has been said to her already by her ex and what saying something like that could bring back up. Just like RC told me You Can’t Be Loved or Father of the Year and all the times he told me no one wants you. I can’t say that these things have not/did not effect me because they did for a long time. Even though I knew it wasn’t true, I knew it was their way of making their-self feel better or whatever. I can’t say it didn’t flash through my head and I didn’t relive those times when he was saying it and almost go back down that road. But instead I got pissed because it isn’t true of me or anyone else and like I said who the hell is he to say something like that to someone? Who did he think he was to talk to anyone that way. How does he think that is okay to say to someone? I just don’t understand what people are thinking sometimes.

{November 11, 2016}   A Husband

Lately my Little Bitty has been going to bed before me, still in my bed just before me. For a few nights we went to bed together and she ask me to say her prayers with her.

This night she went without me, when I got in bed she woke up, I asked her if she said her prays?

She said yes.

Me figuring she didn’t I ask her what she said in her prayers, thinking she say she forgot or the normal keep my family safe, thanks for my house and things.

She rolls over looks at me and says I told God two things.

I said you did what was that?

She said about my toys and to bring you a husband!!!!

I said a husband for me?

She said yes, smiled, closed her eyes, rolled over and went back to sleep.

I asked why and she did not answer. I was shocked to say the lest I don’t know where she got that or why she would think of such a thing. I have never said anything about wanting a husband or boyfriend or anything like that in front of her. Not the kind of thing I talk about in front of any of the kids. If she has heard me say anything it would be I don’t want to get married again once was enough.

My friend says that she has a different plan and she is going higher up. I told her I don’t care how high up she goes I am not getting remarried.

{October 23, 2016}   Nightmare

I went to bed about 2 this morning because I couldn’t hold my eyes open to get my school work done. I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow and didn’t wake up until about 9 this morning. I dreamed all night it was so real.

In my dream hell had frozen over, I know it did because I had remarried Father of the Year!!! Even in my dream I was like what the hell is this what the hell am I doing. Next thing I know it’s the next day and I am dropping Father of the Year off at work and he gets arrested for smuggling or something like that. I was livid and went off, I was telling him I didn’t know how he got me to marry him again what a screw up he was that he was on his own I wasn’t going to get him out he could just sit there until they did whatever with him.

I went to my old office where I use to work to tell them if he called not to go get him and that I wasn’t going to be responsible for helping him get out. Before I knew it I was answering phones and working. At one point I had some of the kids there with me. I ended up working a full day all the while I was just trying to get out of there and go home I just stopped in to talk to them a minute. I finally got home and I got a call to come back down there for something. I got there they said something I said so you want me to work again and they said yes. But they wanted me to work full time 8 to 5 like before. I told them I was taking classes and had the kids in school that I had things to go to and on with them, test to take a the school and work to get done. Working full time would be hard. They agreed that I could take off anytime I needed to and I could bring my school work with me and work on it when we weren’t busy. I told them I would try it but I didn’t know if I could do it all the time like before if not then I would have to change things up get off earlier and thing. That I needed to b paid more weekly than what I was makings. They were running two companies now I would be helping with both so it should be more anyway.

I remember calling and talking to a few people and telling them how up set I was how I had screwed up and I just wanted away fro him that I didn’t want to do this again to start with I didn’t know what happen and things. Then I woke up.



et cetera
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