{June 6, 2020}   Another Horrible Thursday

Why does everything happen on Thursday? Maybe I should skip Thursday from now on.

Me and J.W had a talk finally. It wasn’t a good time but it just happen, I couldn’t really help it. I went over and was laying there. He was back and forth between being awake and a sleep. Normally I will sleep an hour or so once I get there. I just could not get comfortable I guess you could say. I just kept thinking about what is going on and a small conversation we had a few hours before. I finally got up went sat on the couch. I covered up with a sheet he had out there was sitting there doing stuff on my phone. I knew it wasn’t the right time to say something and I just couldn’t lay there next to him anymore and not.

He came out there wanted to know what was wrong. I said I was thinking or something. He wanted to know why I came out there. He got a little aggravated I didn’t say anything. Finally I said something. A lot was said it is hard to remember everything that was. It happen so fast we had to get to work and things. We left 30 minutes late even because I wasn’t leaving in the middle once it was started.

He said I was acting this way because we didn’t have sex in the morning? That he just wasn’t into it or had to get ready or what. I said no its we hardly at all and then maybe every 5th time I enjoy it kind of. Any other you jump up in the middle go on. Your done that’s it everyone is if not to bad.

He started no I don’t what do you mean stop in the middle? Then looks at me and says story of my life I can never please you. Wow that went through me. I said what really you can never please me? Fine don’t worry about it if that is how you feel. Maybe us isn’t a good idea after all if that is how you feel. I didn’t know I was so hard to please and keep happy.

No no that isn’t how I meant it. We been together what 5 or six months now I’m just not use to things they are different than what I am use to. I said so what is wrong if I am doing something wrong tell me. I had already ask him to start with if i did something or said something or if this was because of what I told him. He kept saying no nothing was wrong I hadn’t done anything he was happy with me. So I said what are you not use to? Because I didn’t know I was doing anything. He said the way you treat me. I’m not use to it. I said what do you mean I don’t treat you no way. How do I treat you? He said good, really good okay. I’m not use to it i have dealt with a drunk for the last 8 years who treated me like crap didn’t care about me. Sex was alright get off me leave me alone.

We kind of went in circles and I finally got up to leave. I didn’t want to be late he already was. We got to work he said have a good day, see you later. I said yeah a good day I guess so. He said again why you going to be that way? Nothings wrong. Something about sex in the morning. He said bye got out.

I messaged him said how out of this whole conversation do you get that what is wrong is you don’t want to have sex in the morning? And that there is nothing wrong?

How are you aggravated with me because I’m not happy? Then turn around and tell me story of your life you can never make me happy. Like I bitch or complain all the time.

He said he wasn’t aggregated then said wow you are going to be like that.

I said what you said it not me. One thing one thing ever I am unhappy say something about that is what you say to me.

I told him I feel like there is this huge hole in our relationship. That I am so happy with us otherwise. That I wasn’t trying to attack him or make him feel bad. I have never dealt with this before I am the best I can. I told him I love him care about him. Our relationship. That if I didn’t i wouldn’t of said anything I would of just walked away.

He finally replied and said he loves me and cares about me. How sorry he was for making me feel this way.

I told him

I know sometimes you can’t or things happen once we start. Like we talked about the other day. You say you don’t know or why what’s wrong. I feel like you think that is what I am upset about or mad about maybe why your so upset with me over the way I feel. But I promise you that isn’t the issue or why I am mad at all. I understand. That i just want to figure things out so we can both be happy.

Because he still never brought it up. But I also got the feeling that is what he thinks I am really upset about. It isn’t easy for him to talk about it.

He said he knew and he wanted to too. He told me again he loved me.

We talked a little more after work when I picked him up. We sat there on the couch talked about different things. That some. I was getting ready to go said something about making a vet appointment for the dog and a doctor’s appointment for Little Bitty.

He said yeah I need to find a doctor and something about getting his arm checked out. Then he said go get everything checked out. See what is going on. He pulled me over to him.

I got in the truck it was starting to rain. He said man I was so worried about you this morning after you dropped me off and left for work. He said it was raining bad. You were so upset. He said I was glad when you said you were at work.

I do think he is happy and that he really does care. I think this is just a hard subject to talk about for a lot of people and then him to have the other issue makes it worse. No one wants to hear there are issues.

I think I know where the story of my life can never please you or what thing came from. I thought of it later. His ex wife cheated on him. He came home from work sick and caught them. He worked over nights. Then he told me this last on cheated on him with other guys and women. Drank and was nasty on top of it. All his friends talk about how she is and was and why he stayed so long.

I don’t know what happen between him and the two of them other than that. He don’t talk about it. But i am guessing if they both cheated this is probably why. I don’t know what lead to that if they talked about there being an issue, fought about it or how it was handled. If it was maybe they just cheated. I could see the last one being nasty about it. I don’t know his ex wife to have any idea how or if it came up what was said or done. Before she cheated. I mean he in his 40 now its not easy to talk about i can imagine how it was with his ex in his 20 30 to have issues. I can see him getting defensive and bothered by it. I honestly didn’t think about them cheating on him and things. How things may have been handled in the past.

But i don’t want to cheat and I don’t want it to be an issue between us. This is why I brought it up. But I am sure it brought more than just us up. But I was surprised when he said he needed to go to the doctor and get everything checked out and taken care of. I think like he said I do treat him good and he knows I care about him. I am not just trying to fight or nit picking over things. Yesterday Friday when I was there before work we were laying there talking and things.  He said I want to make you happy in all areas of our relationship. Not just some. He was sorry about the last few days and things.

Like he said I think our situation right now makes things a little harder as well. I agree with that to a point. I think things changing will help but I don’t think it’s going to make it 100% better. I think it is going to be something we have to work at and it is going to be an on going conversation and work. But I think it is something he will be more open to. He see’s I do care and I’m not wanting to fight or just walk away. That I understand and care.

I feel a lot better since we talked.

{June 21, 2018}   Trouble For Everyone

I got into it yesterday with my sister over my mother. I told her I am done helping her and putting up with her and being done this way by her. I told her I will have nothing to do with her no contact at all once this is done and she is out of my house. I told her that I would not take care of her in no way shape or form if she needs it or when she needs it. I told her I refuse to move away with her or help her move to where ever I go because I was not getting stuck taking care of her. I told her she would have to be dropped at a home if none of them stepped up to do it.

I also told her they don’t want her now won’t help her and in a much better spot than me to do it. That she keeps threatening to call people on me and shit. That when she calls and starts or tries to start trouble for me, that I would start some for her and when I did it was going to start a lot for others too but that was fine with me because none of them want go step up do anything. She started about not being able to have her there and how she is and everything else. I said oh well you just don’t want her there you could have her there. She got all mad and nasty why is it everyone elses fault how she has helped her many times and she has not. I was there to pick her up told her I had to go. I have not heard from her since. I do not care if I have contact with any of them anymore ever. I feel bad for the kids mine and hers love to see eachother and play together. But they hardly do. But I am not going to be done this way. She has a husband and things there helping she is home 24/7 with her kids amd she dont pull the shit she does here there. I am doing it on my own have to leave the kids here with her and put up with her shit starting on them and dealing with her 24/7.

Trying to bark orders and take over. I am just done. Like I told her if she ends up on the street I would not care. She says just tell her to get out and make her go. But she will not go she dont told me to take her to court. Like I told her as soon as I can I am going to file against her and once I do someone is going to have to help her because here you can not get a place if you have been filed against in court. It would not kill them to let her come there and stay for a month or two until her court date. There she helps cook and clean, does things with the kids and everything. Here she raises hell and does everything she can to make things harder.

I think she hates it that I am keeping it together and keeping a place. I know she can’t stand it that I did not lose my place and she did. She thought if I did I would come there she could keep hers too. I would not have went there even if I lost my place. So she still would of lost it. I think she can’t stand it that I am doing it and as far as moving around we don’t I am stable right now. I been here 5 years and on my own 4 of those. Growing up she moved at least every year sometimes twice a year because she wasn’t able to keep a place or what doing it on her own or even when she was with someone. She is one of those that can not stand to see anyone do something and not struggle. She had help from my grandparents and things. She would not dream of helping me with watching the kids or anything. Because it would help us do better and get ahead. She rather see you fail tell you how horrible of a job your doing amd what a bad parent you are and how bad of a life the kids have.

She won’t mess with my sister because she is scared they will take off and leave and she won’t call anyone on them because she knows that if she did she would be in trouble too and more of a chance they would leave. Her husband isn’t from here and she is scared he would go home and take them with him what would happen to the kids and how they would live. Either of them drive or have a license. My mom will not drive anymore and is legally blind now and do not know if they can fix it with glasses or not. Someone said something about my sister and her kids walking everywhere. She said she won’t go get her license if sje would I would give them my truck so they had a way to get places. Knowing how bad mine is, that I have no money to fix it and have no one to take me anywhere kids to school or to get to work to keep my job. She home schools, he works 3 blocks or less from home and they live blocks from the store. I do not want her truck at all it needs some work but is good for now. But if she gave it to me i would owe her my life from now on. It is sitting here in my yard right now I can’t even drive it to go to work or the store to get food. Because I am not on the insurance she excluded me from it. If I drive it and anything broke no matter how big or small I would be expected to fix it. Even if I had nothing to do with it breaking and it would of broken no matter who was driving. But it just the fact that she is with me and does all she does and they do nothing for her amd she knows how bad my truck is she would say she give it to them. But then bitch at me because all my truck needs and my bills are not paid up to $0 and I have to work x jobs to even almost float.

Its going to come to a head and it is going to get ugly for everyone.

Great I was going to walk up get a drink and walk to the shop but was waiting so it would be after lunch when I got there. Now it is pouring and thunder and lightning. I hope that it stops really soon. I need to go get my truck so I can drive it however I have to. If O have to pour water into it every few miles or what. I have to beable to get around.

et cetera
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