{April 2, 2019}   4:50 A.M.

I have not been a sleep at all tonight not even for a few minutes. I came home and was in bed by 11:30. I have 2 hours before zi have to get the kids up and ready for school. Then I have to get a fast shower and rush out of here. I have to run north of me for a minute and make a payment I forgot about. Tomorrow is the last day to make it and it has to be done in person.

Then I have to be at work by 10 to start my 14 hour day. I have back to back 14 hour days then the fair with the kids Thursday. I am going to be dying by Friday morning and still have my 11 hour day to get through.

I am so sore and tired right now but can’t sleep. I wanted to go see Mr. Responsible one day but it looks like Friday before I will make it over there. That’s if he is off work and don’t have to the next day.

Bff wants to meet me by work and all of us go out. I don’t know if I want to do that or not anymore. I am thinking I will probably wait on them meeting him. Just not in the mood right now but who knows I may change my mind by then.

{February 16, 2019}   Tell Her I am Her Dad

Wednesday night when we were all out BFF said something about she would do a lot of things different in life if she could go back or had known.

I said I think about it but I couldn’t if because if I did then I wouldn’t have things I have now and…

She said I wouldn’t trade my kids or change that. I would still have them.

Sleeping Beauty said he would he would was talking about how his kids are. That you know the one says she wants to get to have a dad and get to know him but then tells him he ask to many questions and gets mad when he won’t hand over money every time she decides she needs it. He said he knew it had a lot to do with him not being there and how she was raised. He said he wasn’t allowed to see his kids and things back when she was little.

I said see I have never and will never tell mine they can’t see their kids I have all but begged them to be in their kids lives and they do what they have. It kills me because of the kids and that there are other guys who would kill to be in their kids lives and can’t and have to fight like hell to get anytime with them. They could careless about theirs and how they do them and act like it is no big deal.

I said something about how Little Bitty is bent on I need to find her daddy for her and let her talk to him and that she needs to get to know him and things. I don’t know how he is going to react if I was to get a hold of him and things.

Sleeping Beauty said you know how we can handle that don’t you? I said how? He said tell her she did meet her daddy already, it was me. He said she will be like oh hell no and not want anything else to do with getting a hold of him if she thinks it is me, she hates me. He said tell her she can have that $400 princess car too but I am the new babysitter. She will stop talking about that real fast too. I said she don’t hate you. He said she does if I give her the tv, phone and computer back and let her stay up as late as she wants she would be my best friend but since I told her she couldn’t do that stuff she hates me. It really bothers him that she don’t like him. He don’t understand that she really is not use to having a guy in around or anyone around that wants to have any kind of involvement in their life and really be there for them and be a friend. If he had stuck around and was around more things would change.

We are all talking about getting together and taking the kids camping here soon and we were talking about if he comes and things. Little Bitty won’t like it but I think she will come around when we are out of the house away from things and just having fun and doing things.

I honestly think that is a big thing with him and his comments and then backing off as well. The fact of the way she feels and things toward him. I don’t know if it just bothers him that much or if he feels that I would call things off over the way she feels for some reason. I wouldn’t because I know why she “don’t like” him. It isn’t anything bad it is because of just what I said she isn’t use to anyone else but me. Hell I hated my step dad when he moved in and raised 100 kinds of hell with him for a while before we came to a even playing field and even then I keep him on his toes at times. I never called him my dad. For me that was a huge or the thing he was not my dad and he was not going to act like it in any way shape or form. After I got older a lot older, like adult older or close to it I came around by then he was out of the picture and not living with us anymore but I realized a lot seen a lot and well it is just part of getting older and growing up.

I see how it is hard for kids in that spot being there as a kid myself and not being able to explain how you feel or why. I can understand how it feels from being the adult and put in that spot with kids and them not liking you or wanting you around. After going through it with RC’s kids. But we told them from start I am not trying to take moms place I am just here to take care of you when mom isn’t and when you are with dad. I love you and will treat you just the same as my kids and help you but I know you have mom and mom comes first. But for kids that is still hard to understand. I know my step dad knew i had a dad but I didn’t care.

I had another friend tell me to let him know he would talk to Little Bitty on the phone and tell  her he was her dad and talk to her like he was. He just tell her since he was out of state they could only talk on the phone not see each other.

I can’t do that to her. I know they don’t mean no harm or in a bad way they are just trying to be helpful and feel bad for her. But going about it that way is not the way to go. If they wanted to step up and say hey I’m not your dad but I am here for you if you need to talk, want to do something or just need a dad like person for something that would be fine. That wouldn’t bother me but doing something like they said I can’t do, I can’t lie to my kid and I am not going to do something that can or will hurt her more in the long run when she finds out. I am not asking or expect them to do that.

{September 4, 2018}   Deadbeat’s Boss

Yesterday when I messaged Deadbeats boss you know he told me he was out and about and so was I. He asked if I was home I told him no I was out but could meet up inin like 45 minutes or so. He said be did not know where he would be give him a call. I was done a little sooner but waited. I went down to the gas station to get gas and called him. He said he was few miles away just tunred on the other cross street headed to do an estament. He ask where I was going? I said I thought over the bridge to x. He said oh okay, I am not against coming over there either I will call you when I get done and see where you are we will meet.

I went over and didn’t end up doing what I was going to. I went over to the store was going to check on something instead. If was so packed being a holiday no school or work. I drove around the parking lot and decided nope wasn’t happening and left. I was almost at the bridge to come back and he called, asked where I was. I told him, he said oh okay. He said lets me at the little store, such and such. He said the store I called him from earlier but was saying the other cross street up the road. I said you mean so and so? He said yes. I said sure I could do that no problem. He said he was there he see me in what about 5 minutes. I said yeah around there.

I never been there I had to go up turn go around about way because there is only one or two ways in and out they are one way. I didn’t see his work truck anywhere. I pulled up infront next to this big black dually. I was about to message or call him ask what he was driving tell him I was there. About that time I seen him coming out of the store.

He looked up seen me he smiled real big and headed right over to the truck. I open the door got out. He was behind it at that point. I came around and closed it. He looked and kind of looked again. Said something and kind of stumbled over his words. He said it’s good to see you, I see him looking me up and down. We talked a little and he said so your out putting in um out there looking for stumbling over his words again and looking me up and down. He said looking uh yeah, then said check that out let me know.

I just act like I didn’t notice and said yeah putting in application’s and that I had been to an interview. He like oh thats good and I’m sure you will get something else soon. I don’t know if he ever even looked me in the face but once why we were talking lol. He said uh um I’m and motioned kind of and you something. Then he goes yeah I better go, I got to run better let you go. I said okay and again thanks alot and sorry you have to be involved. I had open the door got up in the truck. He again said something I stood up on the running board and was looking over the door he said um yeah check that paper let me know and I see you again soon, I’m sure.

I don’t know why he thinks he will see me again soon we never really see each other once in a blue moon we run into each other. Or if we have to meet up like this but this is only once a month and hope soon it will just go in the bank.

Today I am sitting here at work I get a text with this address and nothing else from him. I waited a few minutes and he never said anything. I figured he say oh sorry wrong person or something. So messaged back with question marks. He called me right a way. I said hello? He said who is this? I told him, he said oh um he wasn’t sure what tobsay I could tell. He said oh now I know why you sent question marks. He said I sent that to deadbeat telling him to come here. I wondered why. He said I’m so sorry. I said thats okay. He said well um hows your day. I said good. He said well you have a great day I’ll talk to you later. I laughed said okay and hung up. So father of the year has a phone why he says he don’t. But I already knew that.

I just found it funny how he was yesterday. We have known eachother years. But he has never really seen me dressed up nice. I had a nice top on my jeans and boots.

{July 15, 2018}   Call My Dad So I Can Talk

Last night laying in bed with little bitty daddies came up. She said deadbeat didn’t like me so he left. Meaning me not her. I told her no he left for other reasons. That was not her dad. So then she wanted to know who he was and everything.

I told her his name and pulled up pictures of him on my phone and showed her. All things I have done before. But she was littler then. She asked about him more we talked. She then asked if we coukd call him today? She wants to talk to him and get to know him. She wants to tell him she is about to lose her first tooth and about her dogs and school. I told her I did not have a number for him. She said it was okay she would dream of it when she went to sleep and tell me what it was when she got up. I told her okay and that maybe we could send him a message one day too if she really wanted to get a hold of him. She said okay. So far today she had not said anything to me about him. I forgot to ask oldest if she did her or not. I will have to in the morning.

I can’t catch a break with the daddies this week. But if she ask more I will contact him for her. Pray for the best for her.

{January 15, 2018}   Let’s Meet

He wanted me to meet up with him Friday since he didn’t have to work but my kids were out of school he wanted to come over. I told him he couldn’t but that we could meet up. I told him to let me know when because I also had to go to work that day for a while. I told him finally Thursday to call me Friday when he got up and that we would decide if or when to meet up.

Friday I ended up sleeping in and not getting up until about 10. We talked for a little bit and I told him I was getting ready and had to get to work. He said he had told his dad what happen with his job and he said he was glad it was good because it wasn’t a good fit for him and that he was so unhappy there.

We talked a little more about things and he said something about us talking the night before and what I said and everything. He said so what does this mean now and where do we go from here? I laughed I said I don’t know I said what I had to say and it’s on you and up to you now where to go from here. Something was said and he said if we got together that would mean we would have um uh 6 kids. He was kind of tripping over it as he said it and maybe a little sick. I busted out laughing. I said yeah you have two and I have 4 that would be 6 last I checked. I said but like I said it be a while before they were even brought into the picture and we crossed that bridge. He was like that’s a mess of kids or something like that. He said lets just talk a little longer see how things go. I am still just dying laughing, he is still trying to wrap his head around the idea of 6 kids. I couldn’t help laughing, kids don’t bother me I am use to kids and I don’t even think about if there are 3 or 10 it isn’t really any different once you get past two.

I had to get to work so we got off the phone and I got ready and went in. We text a little here and there and he tried to call me once. But the boss was sitting right there in the office with me so I didn’t answer. I told him the boss was sitting there I could text but not talk. Besides even if he wasn’t sitting there I don’t say much on the phone there because he has cameras up everywhere and they record sound. I know he can pull them up and watch them from anywhere on his phone I don’t know if he can get the sound too or not. I don’t care I have nothing to hide but I still don’t want someone listening to my conversations. After a while my boss paid me for the day and told me to go home there was no reason to hang around there. I left and was texting him as I did. He didn’t seem to be understanding what I was talking about. I called him and was talking to him. He said he was picking up the kids. I could hear the kids in the background giving him a hard time and things. I told him what I was talking about and things. Then he said something I said no I didn’t say that or what. He said okay well I got to go. I said okay talk to you later. In a minute he text me and said sorry my parents are sitting right here I don’t want them to hear my conversion and be asking questions about who I am talking to. I was driving so I couldn’t respond back is why I had called him to start with, when he said he was picking up the kids or getting the kids I thought he was probably driving too so we could just talk. Wasn’t a big deal really. He called me late that night and we talked a little bit. He said he had fallen a sleep with the kids when he was trying to get them to sleep and couldn’t sleep had seen I was up on line.

Saturday morning he called me and wanted to know what I was doing? I told him I was supposed to be going out for a few hours but then pretty much free after that. He wanted to know if I wanted to get together at some point. He said his parents had taken the kids to Disney for the day. I told him I had to see what time I was getting back.

I kind of had plans to go with my friend and another friend of ours to a sale a few towns over. I really didn’t want to go because we just went the other week and they didn’t really have anything and I didn’t really have money to spend. I was more or less going to just go for the ride and hang out. Well then she calls and tells me oh the other girl is on her way to her house they will be leaving to pick me up in 45 minutes or less. I am only 5 minutes away from her. I had to jump in the shower, do my hair and get dressed. I ask her what time they were coming back home she said she didn’t know she didn’t have a time to be back by. It was only 10 then maybe 1030. I had other things to take care of as well, I thought she be home in two or three hours. By the time they were ready to leave and head my way to pick me up I was still trying to dry my hair I just got out of the shower and everything. I finally just told her I wasn’t going I wasn’t ready wouldn’t be for a little bit and that I didn’t think it would be worth going because they probably wouldn’t have much. Besides I just got hit with another bill I needed to pay that now took the money I would have spent if I went. The sale was for kids clothes they were having 10 items for $10, the last time I got my little one a bunch of nice new jeans and shirts. The shirts she is outgrowing so I was going to look for more but they didn’t really have anything the weekend before when we were there. I told her to let me know if she found anything I give her a few dollars for them if she just needed extra pieces to fill in for her stuff to make the 10 or whatever. But that I would have to give it to her this payday.

I told him I wasn’t going that I was free whenever. He said okay I could pick him up about 1130. I told him he could just pick me up if he wanted I wasn’t worried about going with him or what. He said he could but then told me a few things. So I just told him yeah it was fine I didn’t mind I pick him up. He said he give me gas money or get me gas. I told him it wasn’t about that.  I didn’t mind it was okay. I told him I let him know when I was ready for him to let me know when he was we would go from there I shoot for 1130. I was ready right about that time he said he was out he had to go to the bank and things it be a little after 12 it took longer than he expected. I said that was fine I just go take care of a few things I needed to take care of then head that way. I went and paid my bill and dropped a box of diapers off at a friends that I had for him. I punched the address in to see where it was and everything it said I was about 8 minutes away and it was just about 12 then maybe a little after so I text him told him where I was and that I was headed that way. He said take my time he wasn’t there yet. I said well I am about 4 minutes away now because it took him so long to respond. He said just park in the front he would be right behind me in just a couple minutes if I beat him there. That is what I did and he got there with in a few minutes after I did.

He came over got in he gave me a hug. I ask him where we were going because I had no idea where to go or what to do it didn’t really matter to me what we did or where we went. I was fine with just sitting down and talking in person for a change since I hate talking on the phone. We got half way between my house and his and my oldest called me. She said she gotten sick. She said she didn’t feel good earlier but she thought it was just cramps. I told her where medication was to take and things and ask her if she needed me to come home or wanted me to. She said no she was going to go lay back down. She was laying down when I left. The other kids were watching tv and playing on the computer. My oldest son does pretty good playing with them and watching them he was helping them and they were all three doing stuff together so I wasn’t worried about them.

We ended up going over the bridge to a sea food place over there and having lunch. It was good. I got a stake quesadilla, I am not a big seafood eater and I didn’t really want a burger or something like that. We talked some there. I didn’t like the way it was set up and then there was people they sat right by us. It was booths but they were so small and then even between them it was like you were sitting at the same table you were so close if you moved wrong you be touching the person behind you. Just awkward to have a conversation. I could hear the people behind me talking so I knew they could hear ours.  We left there and when we got in the truck my friend messaged him and she was carrying on so then I ended up calling her because I was driving and we were all talking and things. I was just driving, again no clue where we were going. I hung up with her and looked at him and said um where are we going now? He said I don’t know where do you want to go? I said I have no idea where to go there really isn’t much around to do or places to go. I just kept driving, ended up back on the mainland headed north back toward our houses. I ended up passing that area and going on. He said is the boat ramp open? I told him I didn’t think so it hadn’t been no long ago when I was by there. It wasn’t as we came up on it so he told me stop at the park on the other side of the it. I stopped we went sat at one of the tables looking at the water and the space center and builds off in the distance across the water and things. Talking about different stuff out there. I said wow it is funny how far away all that is and how that is the next town up and how it’s on the other side of that town and we can see it so good. I said over there is where I almost drove my truck in the river. We talked and things there a little bit but not much. It was pretty cool out he said I think it is getting colder lets go. I started heading on north just driving around and we talked about different things as we drove around. He said where are you going? Your just driving aren’t you? I said pretty much what I do when there isn’t anything else to do or anywhere to go. We went up through town there and down and around back headed south once we made it around there. I was going to go somewhere and he said hey go out this way so I did. He showed me a truck he was thinking about trying to get. We seen what time it was and he had to get home because he had a guy coming from out of town to bring him a boat. So I went around and headed to his house. We got there I pulled in the yard there, he said you can go on around the house if you want and pull around. I said what you think I don’t know how to back up or can’t back out of here? Joking around. He said alright now don’t start make me something. I laughed we joked around. He got out and put his stuff over to the side that he had in the truck. He came around to my side and open the door, he gave me a hug and was standing there talking. All of a sudden the truck went off. He said what happen? What did you do? I said I didn’t do anything.

He moved I turned around and tried to start the truck and it would not start. I said I don’t know what is wrong it will not start. He said your out of gas I bet. I said no I am not out of gas. He said I told you go to the store let me get you gas now your out. I said no I put this much in last night no farther than we went I am not out of gas and the gas needle isn’t 100% correct but it is pretty close and the gas light hadn’t even come on. He said just let me go get some gas and put in it and we can see. He went and got a can and dumped it in. It started for a minute he said see I told you, I said no that is not it, it is not running right still don’t you hear it? He was saying it has to prime and things. I said no I have ran out of gas before that is not what is wrong I dump it in it will start right up and go. I said it is not running right it don’t sound like this normally and in just a minute it died again and would not start back up. I said see it is not out of gas. Then it was the starter, I said nope it is turning over strong it is not the starter, it isn’t this and it isn’t that. Just naming off a few different things. I called my friend to see where she was and told her what happen. I was hopping she be with my boss could ask him but she was still down south of us a ways. She says call her husband my boss. I said I don’t want to deal with him but okay I am going to have to. She said see if he could tell me what was wrong and see if he could tow me with him truck or hers.

I ended up calling my good friend when I hung up, I thought of him he said the same thing I did it sounds like fuel pump went out. He ask if the kids had bumped it with there bike or if I had ran into tapped into something. He said that maybe the safety switch cut it off to find it and push the reset button and see if that worked. I finally was able to look it up and found it. We had take the panel off the door jam and under the side inside the truck and he found it and said it didn’t feel like the button was out but he tried pushing it and things. Truck still wouldn’t start. Then he tapped on it with something and it again started for a minute but then died again.

My friend he bosses wife called me back see what was going on. I asked her to go by my house see if there was a tow strap there because I couldn’t get the kids and she was a block away from it. She said she was talking to her husband he was going to call me in a few minutes when he got done doing what he was doing about towing me. I told her that our friend that I was with said he could tow it with his truck but he didn’t have a strap. She said she call me back in a few minutes after she went to my house. He found a rope in the mean time I called her back. She said she was on her way to her moms to drop the food she just picked up off and one of the guys from the shop was going to get a strap from somewhere. I told her we had a rope that we were okay. I then asked her where I should tow it to? My house or the shop? Because he was wanting to take it to the shop so they could look at it and fix it. I told him I didn’t know if he would or could and that I didn’t know if he wanted me to take it there and have it siting or not because I didn’t have money to fix it right now. He said okay we will just tow it to your house then. I said probably best I don’t know that I even want them working on it truly. Then my friend called back and said he said for us to take it to the shop and drop it off. She came and met us and followed behind us so that no one would come up on us and hit us. We took the back roads around and into the place so we didn’t have to cross back and forth across the highway. Because you have to go across the highway then in less than a block turn back and go back across it. The one spot you have to jump across they have had many really bad accidents there. The last one was deadly not that long ago. I am glad he thought of the back road right there we could go down behind the shop and everything come out just above the shop so we would be on the same side of the road not have to cross it. My friend was like I don’t think he can get your truck down that road. I said I don’t know why if he can get his or yours down it there is not reason mine won’t fit down it. It did with no problems.

We got it parked and unhooked I asked her if she would run me to the store and home because he had the guy for the boat coming and needed to get home. Now I am sitting her with no truck and no idea when I will get it back. I have class two days this week and my little one had school. I have an appointment in the morning at 9. I was thinking about getting up early and walking to my appointment but now it is going to be in the 30’s tonight and only a high of 65 tomorrow. That means it won’t hit 65 until sometime late tomorrow after noon and going to be cold at the time I have to get up and start walking. Me and him were talking about it he asked me when my appointment was because I had said the other night I had to call tell them I wasn’t coming first thing Monday. He said I better call before that. Then today I told him I thought I was going to go until I seen how cold it was going to be. He said you need to go. I said but I would have to walk and I don’t want to walk in the cold. He said oh yeah and ask what time it was. I told him he said he would take me but he couldn’t because he had the kids and they wouldn’t get picked up until 945. I told him it was okay I just call and tell them I couldn’t come I would call back when I got my ride straight.

I can’t believe this happen with my truck, I just told him and my friend that when I finished and dropped him off I was calling the guy about selling it and see if he still wanted it. Then this happens. I didn’t want to put anymore money into it if I was going to sell it. I was going to sell it because I know it needs work and I rather put the money I would put into the work it needs into another truck. The guy knew it needed work and was still interested in it so if he wanted it I give it to him. I guess I will know something tomorrow or Tuesday whenever the guys get back in the shop and have time to mess with it. I just want to cry really. I don’t have the money to put into it or the time to wait for it to get done.

{January 14, 2018}   Devastated

I had a nice long talk with the guy I have been talking to Thursday and we talked again for a little bit last night.

Thursday he was devastated when he called me. We talked a minute then he said he had to tell me something or wanted to something like that. He said he lost his job today. He ask me not to say anything because I was only 2nd person who knew. I told him it wasn’t my business to be telling anyone he didn’t have to worry about that.

We talked for a bit he ask me what I was doing. I told him getting dressed going to the beach in a little bit. I guess he didn’t understand me. I ask him if he wanted to go he said maybe then in little bit he said yeah. We went on talking he was down about losing his job he couldn’t believe it he done all he could and had never lost a job before things. I said but look all I have heard since we started talking is you hate your job. You live there you have no life. You wanted to find another you never have a break or vacation days. I said how did you think you were going to find another job when your at this one before places open and do not go home until they close? I said yes it sucks to be fired, yes it was dirty the way they did it, but you can get unemployment, you will have a break not go from one job into another with none. I said now you have time to look for, apply and interview at other places so you can get something better. I know but I can’t do the things I need to do. I have the kids to do for and do things for, i can’t help the something he said, I wasn’t sure what he meant. I said you will make sure the kids have what they need you know that, I know that just the little i know you. I said they don’t need a everything or do everything. I said your going to be their more for them, your going to be more than just a stressed out body that’s just there. I said your going to be happier and be more present and that is going to be a lot to them. That is enough just being with you doing things like the park or whatever.

He said whatever again I ask him what he was talking about. He said like you if we were together and you needed help I can’t and I should be able to and want to. I said its fine He said no its not if you need something I want to help you. I said I have made it happen this long, I can keep making it happen. I am not looking for someone for what I can get or what they can do for me. He said yeah but i would want to help you or whoever i was with. I what you must think of me because I lost my job. I said I do not think any different of you now than I did before. It happens it’s life. I said it is not like you are losing your job every week, month or even few days. Because I know some like that. I said and your worried about it and already taking steps to get a new one so its not a big deal.

We ended up hanging up he had to go. I said I text or call you when I get ready to go. He ask where? I said the beach, I am going to do a few things here and then I will be ready. He was like your going tonight? I said yes I told you. He said I didn’t know you meant tonight I thought you meant tomorrow. I said no it is going be cold. He said you can’t go down there at night by yourself. Its not safe, I use to bounce out there you need stay away from down there by yourself at night. I said I be okay, I been down there a lot. He said no its not your not safe. I said something I could tell he was getting mad and upset. He finally said ugh alright ic your going go stay where its lit up and good lights. I just said I be okay and we hung up.

Later I text ask if he was mad? I said I just been wanting to go, most the time I find someone to go no one wants to go. I just want to get out clear my head or what. He said no not mad at you, just be safe I know how it is done there. I would go but I am dealing with all that has happen today and I don’t want to go out with you in the mood I am in now. If we go out I want to be in a better mood and things. I shouldn’t of dump on you basically what he said. I told him he was fine I wasn’t worried about that but I understood.

I had to do somethings here with the kids and fed the kids. Some how me and him ended up back on the phone together. I don’t know how or why but we did. We talked for a little bit and my little one kept coming in wanting this or that and complaining about the other kids and everything else. I finally told them I was leaving I would be back in a little while. I didn’t end up at the beach at that point. I told him I was out for a little bit if he wanted to meet up and just talk that was fine. He said he wasn’t going out tonight but if I wanted to come over he meet me out front we could talk or what. I said okay that be fine. I didn’t have anywhere to go and don’t know where we would of sat and talked anyway. Then he said no just forget it or something so I ended up going over behind the plaza and trailer park across town and sat in this little are a by a lake thing they have dug out there.

I sat there for a couple of hours just talking to him and listening to him. He told me he liked talking to me and it made him feel better when he talked me to me and things. He said that our friend that we met each other through was telling him he should ask me out and things. He said you seem like a really awesome girl and she says that you are and that we would be good together. He said he told her he didn’t know if I was interested he didn’t think I liked him and things. She told him he should just try and see what happen or how things went. He said some more ask me a few things.

I started to say a few things he stopped me, or wasn’t listening really. I finally said can I say something or I have something to say okay. Can I be honest with you? You can take it how every you want to take it and do whatever you want to do with it. I said you can say whatever you want to say good or bad it won’t bother me and I will understand. I’m just going to put it all out there. I don’t remember what he said but I could tell he wasn’t sure about what I was going to say and a little worried maybe.

I said look you keep saying this that and the other and you don’t know or that I said this before, referring to not what I was looking for and not sure if I am interested. I said I like you, you seem like a really decent guy. I would be interested in getting together getting to know each other and see what we think and where things go from there. I said I can’t say a lot because I don’t know anymore than what I hear on the other end of the phone and the messages I get. I need more than that. I want to meet you get to know you. He stopped me and said really? Like he was shocked. He started to say other stuff and I stopped him. I said no I am not done, I said something else he started talking again. I said hush and listen you not allowed to talk right now that is the problem you don’t listen you just think everyone this or that and no one this or that. I said you need to get over that. I said you have to get over the no good enough and making excuses for things when no one has even said anything wrong or negative just because you think they are going to. I said now let me finish.

I said I am looking to take things slow, I am not looking to rush into anything. I want someone to date do things with and get to know get to be friends as we go. I said I am not looking for someone who is just here for here and now or until something better comes alone, I am not looking for someone that is just in it for what I can do for them or what they can get, I am looking for something that is going to be long term. I said I am not looking for sex not with you or anyone right now if I am talking to someone I am not going to be with someone else until. I said if I am talking to someone then I am willing to wait until I am ready to be with that person just as I expect that if someone is talking to me they are willing to wait not talking to or being with someone else. I said it isn’t you it is with anyone I meet that is not something I am looking for or to get into right away. I told him that I knew he had kids just like he knew I had kids and that it didn’t bother me that was fine. But that I did not want him meeting my kids nor did I want to meet his kids anytime soon. That I wanted to wait until we had decided where things were that it was going somewhere and that a relationship was what we wanted and had been together a little while. I told him that knowing that he had kids I understood they came first and that he was doing his best to be there for them and take care of them and the I wanted someone to understand where I was coming from and that my kids came first and that I am the only one that does it all for them I don’t have help and things like that it is just me and them. That it isn’t easy and sometimes plans get changed or things happen or I get busy and do not always have a lot of time. That I wanted someone that understood that and wasn’t going to get mad or hold that against me well I am always busy or what. I said just like I wouldn’t you or someone else. I said I want someone that is going to be there to talk to and do things with but don’t have to be here all the time and still knows that everything is alright or that I am not messing around with someone else. I said I just want someone that is going to be honest and upfront I am tired of games and being lied to and used.

He said no he understood about not bringing the kids into it for a while. I said they all get brought into it then they get use to each other and the other person and then if something happens they just end up hurt in the end. That isn’t fair or right to them and I don’t want to lose kids again. I told him I did that before and brought them in to soon and everyone ended up hurt and I did too. That they were little and don’t remember it to much and that I wasn’t messing up and making that mistake again with them. He didn’t have a problem with that, he agreed.

He was kind of surprised I think by all I had to say. But he was okay with it all and agreed with most of it. He said he didn’t want to just date and play around he wanted to find someone that was looking for more than just going out or being “friends”.

We talked a while longer and he was starting to fall a sleep from being up so early and it getting so late. I told him I would talk to him tomorrow to go to bed I needed to get home to the kids anyway. He said somethings that didn’t even make since. I said okay goodnight and hung up.

He is really hard to understand on the phone I don’t know what it is. I think he talks kind of low because he don’t want everyone else around in the house to hear him and a lot of times his kids are there and sleeping. Then he isn’t close to the phone or what. I have to keep telling him I can’t hear him, he is mumbled or what. I know he gets aggravated but I don’t want to not know what he is saying either of act like I do and I have no idea.

et cetera
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