{February 8, 2019}   No Closer Than I was,

I am no closer now than I was earlier of having stuff booked for next week. I made calls but I have called and called these areas over and over at least once a week or every two weeks. There isn’t really anywhere left to call. I have called everywhere in my county twice this last month at least.

Petco half saved my ass. I looked them up and we have not been there it says in 3 months. They said yes they would love for use to come back in. Hope they have a lot of work like they do most the time. Between that and the other I have it should still be a good day without a lot of work. Petco will be a lot but if I booked more it would be border line to much.

I haven’t booked out Tuesday or the rest of the week. I will have to work my butt off Monday. I just not into it and one of the owners friends stopped by to see Pop’s and she sat here at my desk and talked to us for a couple hours probably. I sat here and cried part of the time. They were talking about his wife, her dad, brother, and others who passed and dealing with all of it.

I am calling a meeting Monday or Tuesday with the guys to talk about what to do and where to go from here. Show them what I am doing that we have called all these places and things that we need to look at going to the areas every two weeks, once a month or something like that. But then what do we do with all the extra days we don’t have work for them to go on the road and do.


{September 11, 2018}   IEP Meeting

Little ones have to be up for school in 2.5 hours and I am still wide awake. I have a meeting at the school for Little Guys iep to be put back in place so he can get service’s. I need a shower and to do my hair. All I am going to want to do is sleep once I drop them off. Once I get out of the meeting I am going to have to work for the night. I have an hour and 45 minutes I could sleep had I did my shower and hair before bed. I guess I will drop them go get coffee and the come shower and do my hair. They have one says bold on it, I may need to try that in the morning.

I do not know what services they are going to offer other than speech. They have to take the developmental delaied label off now because of his age. Not sure what labels they will use now. With my oldest son they told me we have to tell you we have him listed as asd. But we do not know where he falls we can’t do that and tell you we are not allowed. Telling me it is okay not to worry what asd means. Like they are waiting for me to have some horrible reaction to finding this out or something.

They said do you have anything to say? I said I sure do, I said 1. He is Aspergers on the spectrum, 2. Why are you all trying to figureout between you all what services would be best for him? 3. Where is all the paperwork I turned in at the start of the year? 4. How come you are not offering the services the person who is qualified to do all this and put it together says he needs? They all just looked shocked. They said they had no idea he had been anywhere and had an evacuation done. I said well I turned it all into you as soon as I had a copy so he could get services. All this time he not been getting them? They changed the subjected then made me mad there too and i ended the meeting moved school.

I have not had this one tested for anything yet so it should be interesting to see where they want to go from here.

{September 24, 2016}   No Show Father of the Year

Father of the Year is supposed to have the kids tomorrow, it is 12:08 am and he has not shown yet. I have text and ask him and he says he is busy he will be here when he is done. I have to be at training by 9 am and have no clue if I even have a sitter. He is supposed to have them every other weekend and come see them take them for a little while during the week one day. He has yet to have them at all for any over night stays or even take them to his house yet since the divorce was granted the first week of August. His everything is based off of if he has them over nights how many and all that.

He is also supposed to let me know so many days ahead of time if he is not taking them on his days or times, if he is going to be late or anything like that. If I have other things to do he is supposed to make arrangements for a baby sitter. He has never once told me he wasn’t coming or asked if I had things to do or asked if he needed to find a sitter. I am so keeping track of it all so that when I get ready to move out of state and go to court and to get the paperwork saying I can he can’t fight it. I am going to have a placed picked I am going to show them the cost of living what I would be making what I will be paying out, how much better the schools are, how much lower the crime rate is and all that as well. He says he isn’t going to fight me and we can go but I am going to have it all ready in case he tries to because we all know how he is and how he is when others get in his ear and starts shit. When he says he wants to keep being able to see the kids like he does now and don’t want to go to long without seeing them I can pull the sheet out and go you mean all these times that you see them? Oh wait you missed this time, this time, that whole month, this month here so what times have or do you see them when they are right here?

I am just so aggervated I told him the other day I needed him to take them this weekend so I could finish my training and get someone to come over and help me do some things here. He got all bent out of shape over that. He wanted to know who I was having come over and all that. I said it isn’t really any of your business and I don’t know who but whoever I can find that will help me get things I need done and can move stuff and do the stuff I can’t. I don’t need the kids here in the way why we are trying to get it all done and taking up more of their time than needs to be. Who are you seeing? Why won’t you tell me? On and on about it. I told him again not that it is any of his business or did I have to tell him but I wasn’t seeing anyone but if that made him feel better thinking I did then by all means go right ahead.

He started about he had a right to know because of the kids and I had to tell him who was going to be around his kids and he wanted to meet them. I said no I don’t have to tell you anything or let you meet anyone regardless of the kids number one. Number two there isn’t anyone around the kids so I don’t need to tell you anything even if I had to tell you because of the kids. Well it don’t matter if your seeing someone then I need to know because they will be at some point and you will have them around them. I said again no you don’t no where does it say that I have to tell you who I talk to, date, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend wise or anything else. And no they are not going to meet the kids or be around the kids because I am not like you and use them to go meet any random person I meet on line at one of these dating sites or worse craigslist. I said you meet these people talk to them a couple times on there have no clue who they are who you are going to meet know nothing about them and then go lets take the kids and meet here or there. I don’t do that shit. I do not want to meet anyone on line and not from craigslist that’s for dam sure.

He tried to keep on about it I just said look I am not talking about this anymore, I do not bring random people I know nothing about around my kids. I do not consider myself dating someone that I have talk to a few times and seen a couple times and then there for feel it is ok to bring them around my kids. I don’t just go hook up with any Joe that talks to me because someone else might not like you do so you do not have to worry about me bringing anyone around the kids. But why you are so bent out of shape and worried about it lets get something straight you need to knock the shit off and not be taking them to meet all these random people that you meet and talk to from all over the place. I said you hound me about it then turn around and do just what you are acussing me of. I said you must be planing or taking them and meeting someone or think that you may soon or you wouldn’t be hounding me and making such a big deal out of what I do who I talk to or who I have around. I said I always know what you are doing because you start accusing me of doing whatever it is that you have done or plan to do. To make yourself feel better about doing it or to try and justify it and make it ok because you know it isn’t and are feeling guilty. So if you can convince yourself that I am then you can justify it to yourself and make it ok by saying well she did it so then it is ok if I do. I said that isn’t going to fly because I’m not doing a fucking thing. If I was and you are throwing such a fit about it being so wrong then you shouldn’t use it to make you doing it feel ok about yourself either.

Then he starts stumbling all over himself well I’m not talking to anyone right now either. I didn’t say not to bring them around the kids I don’t care if you do I just want to know who they are and meet them if they are coming around. I said well then I want to meet anyone you bring around the kids and I want to meet them before you bring them around my kids. I don’t want to meet just the one you want me to meet I want to meet every one that you plan on the kids meeting before they meet her. He just looked at me with that stupid ass how do I get out of this one look on his face. I said well if you want to impose rules that aren’t written anywhere then I am going to have some of my own. Well I don’t think you need to meet all of them. I said well they want to be around my kids then I do. He just shut up and went on.

He wants to try and play these games and come up with all this stupid shit he better know who he is playing with because I can turn it on him and make it hell so fast his head will spin and he knows that so I don’t even know why he tires. He knows that I am not going to sit here and just be like oh ok I’ll make sure I do all that and let you know. Besides he should know I have no problem letting him meet who I am talking to. Shit when I started talking to RC we weren’t even dating we were just talking I brought him right to the dam house brought him straight inside and said this is so and so he came to help me move this table and take it to so and so’s house. He has a truck it is easier to put it in there. We loaded the table and left. Well know the two of them loaded it and we left. I went to help him and I guess Father of the Year didn’t want to look like more of an ass than he is and offered to help him. He was there picking up the kids to watch them because me and him were talking the table down there. I truly have nothing to hide and have no reason to not let him meet him when I am ready. Because like I said before I am not going to be bringing anyone around the kids unless we are dating and have been for a while. And as far as I’m concerned no one else needs to know anything until I decide to bring them around the kids and let them meet them. The kids don’t need to know and want to know why they can’t meet them or worried about meeting them and what is or isn’t going to happen or what might happen. Why does everyone else need to know before the kids anyway it is mine and their life that it is going to effect not anyone else.

But like I said before anyone that is breathing and speaks to him he will bring over and if it is a different one the next day next week or month he will bring them around too. So maybe now he will think twice about bringing them around if he thinks I am going to really want to meet everyone before they meet the kids. I told him don’t try to lie to me because if he does I will show up to check and see. That I know how he was setting up to meet these girls at the park and planing to take the kids and not tell me. When I started telling when and what parks he didn’t know what to say. I said and don’t think the kids won’t tell me either because they will. He said what am I supposed to say oh I know it’s only the first or second time we are meeting but by the way my ex wife is coming too she wants to meet you, or oh can you meet me over at such and such because my ex wants to meet you? What are they going to think about that?

I said I really don’t care what you tell them or what they think about it those are my kids that they want to be around. Tell them what ever you want to tell them. I said or how about this you just don’t take the kids around them the first or second time you meet them? How about wait until you see if it is even someone you are interested in and you all start dating and have been together for a while before you take the kids around them. Then you can say hey you know and she really shouldn’t mind at that point. If she has kids of her own then she should get it. Well you just don’t understand the only time I have to really meet anyone and get to know them and hang out is when I have the kids too because I have to work and things. The only free time I have I have the kids. I said wait excuse me it’s so hard for you and the only free time you have is when you have the kids? I said you have every evening after work you are off by 530 and earlier if you want you can be off at 330, you can take off the weekend or one day on the weekend, and you only have them every other weekend so you have lots of free time. But it is hard for you. I said if anyone should be complaining about how hard it is and not having free time it should be me. I have two free days to myself all month. I take them every where they need to go and make sure everything is done for them. You go to work pick them up for a night maybe two go have fun do whatever you want and drop them back off for two weeks. But it is hard on you and you have no free time.

I still just don’t know how he figures all this at times.


{April 28, 2015}   Scared and Confused

I don’t really know what I want to say here. All I am thinking and feeling has all been said before in other post, such as What I Seem To Be Attracted To, Strange Attraction, Lonely And Missing Things, and Lonely.

Nothing has really changed other than we are all a little older, where we live and the fact that father of the year is out of the house finally. I still am not seeing anyone or talking to anyone. I know it is a good thing I need to get the divorce straight and taken care of and all that. With all that has been going on the last 6 months or so I have just been feeling so empty and a lone. I think about just getting out and meeting people and I feel I really shouldn’t. Then I wonder why not? Why shouldn’t I go out and meet people and have a life? Why should I sit here why life moves on and let it leave me behind? I’m still the same me rather I go out and meet new people and have a life or I just sit here and do nothing but take care of the kids and find a job and work. It’s not like I can’t do both millions of people do it everyday right.

Then thoughts of the not so distant but seems like forever ago past comes creeping in. To be honest it scares the hell out of me. The thought of meeting someone and falling for them and things not ending up so well. Being hurt again. I know I can’t let the what if’s rule my life.

I tell myself I am going to do things different this time and take things slow. Not really get into a relationship but date and see people not just get locked into one guy. But I tell myself that all the time and then look where I end up. I wasn’t looking for anyone and didn’t really want a relationship when I met father of the year but we started hanging out and one thing lead to another and now look. When I met RC I just wanted someone to hang out with talk to get to know. Not really a relationship or seeing just each other and before I knew it we were “together”.

Lets face it the options out there haven’t gotten any better. I had a guy try talking to me about a month ago when me and my friend went to lunch. I may have written about it not sure. He was I know at least 50 something and probably closer to 60. Even if I was to date older I don’t want them that old.

I think I just really need some places to go out have a nice time and meet people. There really isn’t anywhere around here. There are a ton of bars but that really isn’t may thing. Other than that where do you go?

I still just don’t know what I have done in life to end up like this.

et cetera
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