{August 1, 2020}   He Called Me Last Nigh

We talked for about an hour last night when he got done with the kids and back to the motel. He messaged me a few times during the day. Something was said. He asked what was wrong. I ask if he would call me later. I told him once he was done for the night before he went to bed was fine if he felt like it. That I didn’t want to get into it right then at work. He said okay he hope everything was alright.

I told him it was fine not to worry go enjoy his time with the kids and graduation. He said okay he would call me. Later that night I was sitting there watching tv and got a few messages. He sent me pictures of him and the kids. He looks so happy. He said he is, he is loving it. They were all out to eat it was kind of late. I didn’t figure I would hear from him. It was okay because I know how it is when you get busy with the kids as it is. But then when he hasn’t seen them in so long and everything going on. I was about to turn everything off and go to bed and the phone rang.

He said his oldest had left before graduation she had to get back to work and they only had so many tickets. The other kids were home and coming to spend the day with him today.

He said he was sitting outside at the motel. He was talking about seeing everyone and talking with all of them. That everything was going well. They all had been decent and just hanging out talking.

He was a little aggravated and said he found some thing’s out he didn’t know before. I guess his son got into some trouble a few years ago. His ex wife tried to call him and the girlfriend answered the phone. She refused to wake him up because he was sleeping. They got into it on the phone. I guess she never told him and the other didn’t call back. I don’t blame her for not calling back. We talked about that I said something about my ex him not knowing anything about my kids. How Little ones dad has only seen her once and things. Some how him and his trip came up.

I told him how we went from him wanting to get married and me to adopt two of his kids. To I don’t want any of this

He was shocked. I thought I had told him before but I guess I hadn’t. It came up he was talking about being glad he left finally and things. How it would of ended bad had he stayed. I said that was how it was with my ex husband. But that it was hard when it was me and RC. Because we had only had one real fight and where we were at when he did this. So i was blindsided. How I help him find his daughter encouraged him to and was done this way. He was shocked. It isn’t something I talk about or tell many people so I may not have told him.

We ended up talking for an hour. His mom was going to sleep everyone was gone. He went in shortly after we started talking and she was laying down. So at least I didn’t feel bad about keeping him on the phone. He didn’t seem in a hurry to get off either. He said a few times I miss you so much. It’s going to be so hard to leave but I want to come home and see you. I tossed and turned and this morning I kept waking up you weren’t there. I am so use to you being there in the mornings.

He was talking about the kids he said I held it together when my oldest left but it was so hard. He said I didn’t want to let her go and wanted to cry. Knowing its going to be so long or who knows how long before I am going to see them. I said I told you let’s move up there be closer to your kids have all the kids close. He didn’t miss a beat he said lets do it. Lets pack and go. I said I really mean it honey. He said me too I would love to be closer to my kids. Even if we went to South Carlina it isn’t far it is right over the boarder.

I told him my friend wants me to go to SC next month for 3 or 4 days a week. He ask if I was going I said I didn’t know. I needed to work and things. He said what about the kids? I said honey she wants all of us to come. He said oh I thought she just wanted you. I said no honey they are like family they love my kids my kids love them. They want us all to come. He sounded a little surprised. He said I have to work I have my trip in December. I said I know. I probably won’t get to go because I am just staying a float right now. I can’t afford to take off. It would be so nice to live closer to them all we could drive over for the day or what. I said if I went next month I may not come back. Not even to get my stuff. I may just stay and not come back at all. He said I don’t blame you one bit. It is so nice being with my kids, I just want to see and be with you too. I said you know I’m down to move and told you I go to Ga or Tenn to be closer to your kids. He said I could go back to work over there where I was working you could find office something really easy. Let’s do it lets move. So I guess we are going to talk about that when he gets back. Hope make a solid plan and start looking for areas and houses and jobs. He sounded so happy on the phone and looked so happy in the pictures he sent. I think he had just forgot what it was like to be out of here and away from here. To be with his kids and things.

He had been in the situation he was in down here for so long with his ex girlfriend and stayed cut off from everything and everyone for so long. When you live like that with the drinking and abuse so long you get out you don’t know what to do or how to react because it’s like the would moved on without you and you are in this time warp like trap. I think this made see there are still people who care and really do want him around and don’t hold it against him that he wasn’t there as he should of been and things. I can’t wait until he gets back we get to talk.

I never did come out and tell him what was bothering me on the phone. I told him about RC leaving going on his trip and all that. But because we were talking about something else. I don’t think he put 2 and 2 together. Be didn’t know what was really going on how I was feeling.

After we hung up I messaged him told him thank you for calling me we never talk on the phone. I didn’t want to bother him why he was away.

He said thanks for what? I told him for calling me. He said I told you I would. I said I know I didn’t want to ask you to and bother you on your trip. But it has been a hard few days. I told him how everything about RC hit me the other morning before I got out of bed. He said he was sorry and I wasn’t bothering him. He was sorry he wasn’t here for me. I told him it was something I just need to deal with if it wasn’t now it would be another time. If he hadn’t went now then I would be dealing with it at Christmas. So I am glad it is now. I told him I knew things were different. But just dealing with all the thoughts popping up.

Like I said before, you can work on yourself forever but there are somethings that just can’t be dealt with or worked on until you are dealing with it again. If i was with someone and they never went on a trip it would never be an issue. But I am with someone he went away and it has hit. Now I have to work on it and fix or heal that part. Seeing that he calls or messages why he is gone and comes home and everything is fine is what is going to let me work through it. That is what is going to let me be okay next time or one day down the road. it may take a few trips before I stop feeling the way I do. Who knows. But it is a start. If this storm lets him he will be home tomorrow around 4 i think. If he gets delayed because of the storm then hopefully Monday sometime. I hope it is tomorrow I kind of hope it is Monday. Monday early we could spend some time together.

I am still having thoughts my mind going over all the what if’s and just over all missing him.


{February 2, 2015}   New Memories

I went to see my dad yesterday he seemed happy to see me I hadn’t been there in two day. Me and the kids got him up in the wheelchair and took him outside and for a walk. He seemed happy to just be out of his room. He is use to being outside all day everyday. I know now that he can’t get up and move around without the wheelchair he isn’t getting out much. The kids sat there in his room and watched tv with him and talk to him.

He asked me again about the day and date. I told him I told him he knew he could come stay with me if he wanted to and he could come then or today it didn’t matter. Father of the year was off and we could move him and his things. He looked at me so upset and said I messed up. I said what do you mean you haven’t messed anything up? He said I messed up I’m to weak I can’t move. I told him he wasn’t he could move any time he wanted to. That if he wanted to just say it and I would make it happen whatever I had to do and nothing no one could do about it. He said he couldn’t he couldn’t make the trip. It isn’t that far about 15 miles or so. I don’t know if someone said something to him if hospice told him he couldn’t or what. I am going to talk to him and see what he says about it. If hospice told him he can’t I got news for them if he wants to come here then he will rather they like it or not. If they refuse to help because he moves then they can just go on and I will take care of it. He isn’t going to stay somewhere he don’t want to be just because of what someone tells him. If he feels up to it then he is fine. If they don’t want to transport him I will put him in his van and bring him. He is feeling good enough to sit in his chair go for a walk he good enough to go on a car ride.

We got back from his walk he sat outside for a little bit and I took him his meds and a drink. Then he said he wanted to go back in and lay down. I took him in and got him set up in bed. He just lay there and look around and things then close his eyes. Then he look around. The kids weren’t doing anything just talking and moving around. But when they would he look to see what was going on. I asked him if they were bothering him he said not. I asked if he wanted us to go out so he could rest he say no. We stayed a little longer he seem like he wanted to rest but just could’t get to sleep. I asked him if the kids were starting to bother him. He look like he didn’t want to say it but he said yes. I told him that was ok I was going to take them home let them get out move around and let him get some rest that we would come back today and see him. I asked him if he wanted me to come back by myself or if he wanted me to bring them back with me today and he said he wanted me to bring them back today and see him.

Waiting on everyone to get ready so we can go they are all in rear form so I am having second thoughts about taking them. I was going to go by myself but father of the year thinks they should go he wanted me to bring them. I could take them back in a few days to see him. I’m about over him and them already today just the fight to get ready. I will probably be leaving them here in just a few minutes.

{January 31, 2015}   Memories

I remember when I was about 14 my dad had this big car it was a diesel, it was purple and it ran. Like you just floating down the road. It was like a land yacht. My grandpa his dad had some hunting property south of us about 100 miles. It was about 5 am I was up I couldn’t sleep for some reason that night. My dad got up and said lets go to camp. I had never been there my mom always told us if we went we couldn’t be allowed to go back to my dads. She didn’t want us around the guns and they drank down there a lot of times. There was always a bunch of people out there. She didn’t trust my dad. So me and my brother had never got to go. I decided I didn’t really care I wanted to go so I got my stuff and off we went for the day. I drove us all the way there. We pulled over inside the gate to get the guns out the sun was just starting to come up. You look out through the fields and there was deer all over. You couldn’t shoot where we were we still had to go a few miles or more in before you could hunt. A truck passed why we were sitting there he said that was grandpa’s friend going out to the camp so there would probably be a fire when we got out of there. It was so cold out I remember freezing on the way. I turn the heat on it get to hot turn it off and it get cold. We rode turning the heat off and on. We got out to the camp and parked he wanted to go hunt for a little bit since everything was just starting to move around. We walked and walked for miles. I don’t know how he was even able to find his way back to our camp and where we were supposed to be because everything pretty much looked the same. Once in a while you see a camper someone had pulled out there or something. We got back to the camp my shoes and feet were soaked it was so cold. They had gotten a big fire going. I was so tired I hadn’t slept at all the night before really. They had cinder blocks around the fire to keep it contained. I got one and pulled it as close to the fire as I could get without getting burnt sat down. I pulled off my socks and shoes and put them up on another one a little closer to the fire hopes they would dry quick and not melt or catch on fire. I fell a sleep, I would wake up off and on and move around because the block was so uncomfortable to sit on. I kept falling in the whole on it. I can remember still to this day over 15 years later thinking why in the hell would they put that freak-en whole in the block and why they wouldn’t have something else to sit on. I sleep for a few couple hours or more probably then got up. My shoes and things were pretty dry probably would have caught fire if I hadn’t woke up and got them. They had went across the street/path or whatever to this old camper they were gutting and using for fire wood. We hung out for a little while longer then we decided since my grandpa wasn’t out there to make the 50 mile drive over to his house before we headed home. I drove us all the way to his house and we hung out there for a while. It was nice to get to see him because I hadn’t gotten to in a long time. Then I drove us home. I don’t think my mom knows to this day that we went or that I drove us the 200 mile or more trip all the way there and back. I know she didn’t know at the time or the shit would have hit the fan. I probably would have never been allowed to see my dad again. I didn’t have a learners permit or anything at the time. She says she taught me how to drive when I was like 16. I had been driving for two years before that. My dad had this big station-wagon it was a stick shift. That was the first thing I learned how to drive in a closed down K mart parking lot one night. Then I use to drive me and my aunt through the neighbourhood to the little store because she couldn’t learn how to drive it for the life of her. My dad was tired of having to load everyone up and drive a few blocks a way to the little store every time she wanted to go. So he taught me to drive it in a few minutes he had been trying to show her forever. Sometimes she would drive and I would just have to make sure it was in park and things when we got where we were going. It just got to where it was easier for me to drive. Few times she didn’t get it right the car almost rolled a way why we were in the store.

et cetera
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