But No One Was Getting HIT

I hear this when people are talking relationships and why they break up or broke up. It makes me want to scream and turns my stomach.

I am watching the Girlfrinds Guide to Divorce on Netflex

The lady is talking to her brother about getting a divorce. He is against it and thinks it is a bad idea. Which is funny because he is gay. You would think he would be one of the last ones to have a problem with it. He says he don’t understand it no one was getting hit, no one was cheating, blah blah. She says to him sorry I wasn’t getting hit. He of course says oh that wasn’t what he meant and things.

I hear this and I just want to scream. Not everyone knows if someone was or wasn’t getting hit, no one ever knew i was getting hit when I was with Father of the year. Most still don’t. Most have no idea  the ex stint of the abuse that went on. Because again no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Why do people feel the need to justify your decisions or change your mind? How do they think telling you that you weren’t getting hit makes everything else fine?

There is a lot more reasons to end a relationship other than getting hit. I relationship needs more to survive and be healthy other than two people knowing how to keep their hands to their selves. I mean don’t we all pretty much know this and do it on a daily bases when dealing with people in our daily life? Isn’t that one of the first things we learn as kids is not to hit? Isn’t it like one of the fist rules when you start school and in every class? Keep hands and feet to yourself? We don’t say at least he wasn’t kicking you around.

I just don’t understand this, like the only people others decide to hit are their spouse or partner? Where did this idea that the only time we should get out of a relationship is if we are being hit? Why does this only apply to married couples and partners if this is the case? If we decide not to be friends with someone because we don’t like something they do, something they said, the way they treat us or just because we decided we didn’t want to, why don’t people say oh no you should still be friends because hey, they don’t hit you? Why is it okay to end any other relationship for any reason but to end a marriage or partnership we have to be getting knocked around?  We have to have black and blue marks or black eyes? Maybe we are getting out before it comes to that? maybe it has come to that and it’s been hidden? Because the person was embarrassed or just felt that it wasn’t everyone in the worlds business to know.

If someone says they are getting out of a relationship or getting a divorce they are not asking you to be okay with it, they are not asking you if it is okay, they are not asking if you agree with it or if it is what you would do. They are telling you to let you know, they are telling you to have the support, they are telling you because they feel they can confide in you and not be judged. If you are a true friend then don’t judge, don’t try to justify it, don’t try to fix it or make their decision okay. Just be there for them, listen to them, support them. If you can’t tell them that so that they can find someone who can.

Don’t try to talk someone into staying or tell them to work it out or it will get better. Because you most likely don’t know everything and what you are trying to talk them into holding onto and work out. Bff use to tell me the same thing when we first met and I told her we were in the process of separating and getting a divorce. She thought it was horrible and I needed to work it out and just hang in there it would get better. After she was around for a while and seen she even says she was wrong and feels bad for saying it and understands. Now that she is going through it she is really starting to see a lot and understand a lot more. You may feel your the bff and been around and know everything and they tell you everything but you don’t know at all. My own family didn’t know and we lived with them and next to them and everything for years. We seen them all the time. His family didn’t know, no one knew. Because we were the “perfect” family in public and around people.

He of course isn’t going to flip out and do shit in front of others when he puts on this show of being the perfect husband and father and doing no wrong. Some people are private people or don’t trust everyone. Others need to decide and figure things out on their own before everyone gets in involved. That is the route I decided to take. Nothing wrong  with either way. It is not for us to judge or decide the way others should handle things. it is just up to us to be there when they do come to us and tell us what they feel they can or should share with us.

 

Mr.To Broken is Really Broken

Bff told me the other day that she had talk to Mr. To Broken and that he is bad. She said he was of course telling her about these two different girls he is in love with. He is so stressed about what one to go with or what. She said that I am sure has changed it always does.

But he told her his parents stepped in took the kids away. He only has them 25% of the time he is supposed to have them and that is it. Because they said he needs to get some kind of help and that he has problems. The kids did not need to be around it.

I said I been saying it all for 6/7 months now and no one listen to me. He has some problems that are not just talk joke move on or what problems. We all get mad vent or what. But his are much worse than that and need more than that. He has been seeing someone but it is not working. He needs more. Really i feel he needs to be in an in somewhere for a bit where he can’t do anything but work with someone on all that is going on. If he don’t get over this obbssion of having to have someone in order to live and be happy it isn’t going to get any better.

I hope he gets the help he needs and can really be happy in life and be a good dad to his kids. I talk to him by messenger the other night told him i wanted to start making him payments on the money. He said whatever. He had the kids was busy. I saod okay. Let me know when you can meet. Haven’t heard from him since.

 

Why Is Dating So Hard

Sitting around bored out of my mind at work and playing around on line I found this quiz. So I of course took it. This is what my results were. Boy wouldn’t that be nice, heck I would be happy with the smart, funny and nice. Because lets face it that is hard to come by it seems anymore.

Thinking about things would something like that really work? Could it really work? For someone like me in the spot I am in to meet someone like that who had money and be in a relationship or get married to?

It just we would be on two different levels. He have whatever he needed not worried about anything, here I sit 4 kids working any jobs I can get and work around eachother and struggling to stay a float. I think I would always feel not good enough. Not good enough as in the person that I am or what. But just as in social standing or whatever you want to call it.

I also think I would always be waiting for the bottom to fall out even more than normal. Because it only be a matter of time he could find someone in a better situation than I am in. Who is more on his level.

Talking to Mr. To Broken last night on the way home from work made me realize some things too when it comes to dating and guys.

We were talking about putting yourself out there and being rejected, and things like that.

I said I had never put myself out there and made the first “move” or initiate something with someone. I have always just waited on them and if they never said anything then oh well. But that I have felt more and more like I want to and should say something to this pesron that I am interested in. But I am scared of being rejected. But not only that but more of the what if they are interested? Are they going to be willing to take things slow when it comes to meeting kids, living together, building a relationship or bringing the realtionship we have to that next level? Are they going to say yes because they really care and want a realtionship or will they say yes because it will benefit them not because they want to be together, build together, grow together and make a life together? How am I going to know what they really want and aren’t just saying what they think I want to hear? I don’t want to waste my time to end up in the same spot I am in right now.

I thought about My Good Friend saying I need to raise my standards and find better guys than what I have been with. I thought if I did would I have these same worries? What would that look like? What kind of guy would I end up with? Raise them how? In what ways? Where would I meet these guys?

I got to thinking about the guys I have dated and talked to and things. Why am I so comfortable with them? Looking at the guys I have talked to but not been interested in or went out with and decided it wasn’t for me. The ones that I don’t even give a first thought to or a second look. Because it may sound horribly bad and I think I have said it before but I can pretty much meet someone and know with in minutes or less, this is someone that I would be interested in getting to know better or this is someone I wouldn’t mind being friends with but nothing more and then the ones that I just want to stop talking and go away, there is just something about them that I am not interested in anything with them friends or other wise. What is it about them that determines what catagorie they get put in?

What makes anyone person better than another or worthy of saying one’s standards are here of they date this person, but they are up here if they date this other person over here instead?

A lot of people say they have to have a job, have a job that pays $x, they have to have a car and drivers license, a place of their own, and the list goes on.

I think about what is on my list of must have’s or should have’s or deal breakers? It is hard to answer. I guess my list would look something like this…..

Must have a job

Be okay with kids

Not want kids

Not care about being married or not

Be under standing of my situation

Willing to take things slow

If they have kids they need to be in their kids lives and helping to support them.

Have some kind of place to live. I don’t care if it is their own or with family, roommates or what. Just a stable place.

Not be looking to rush into living together or meeting the kids.

What I am looking for or my list of whatever you want to call them are a lot different than others.

I feel that they need to have a job, and be supporting theirselves. Because it is so easy for guys to get jobs around here and decent paying jobs, that there really is not an excuse for one not to have some kind of job. Not a single guy on his own with no worries or kids to take care of 24/7.

As far as a place to live I don’t care who they live with or if they have roommates and not a place of their own. Rent is freaken through the roof here, I would probably have a few roommates or renting a room or something if I didn’t have kids. Why waste a ton of money on something for one person. Even if they are staying with their parents or family. If it works why not it saves everyone money if they can get along and make it work. So that isn’t a huge deal. As like I said they do not think that we are going to be moving in together right away.

I have 4 kids they have to be okay with kids and taking on a parenting type roll in the future. I am not looking for a “daddy” for my kids but at the sametime I do have them and they are little and going to be there. They have to understand that and that we are going to be a family at some point amd time. Meaning they are going to have to be apart of the good bad and ugly of being in a kids life. Relationships where the step parent tries to be hands off not involved or where the parent don’t let the other half be involved do not work well. The house is always devided and I won’t live like that. The parent is always stuck in the middle between the partner and their kids and trying to keep everyone happy. Wjere they should be coming together as a family and building that realtionship between everyone.

I don’t plan to get married again they have to understand that and be okay with that. If they can change my mind at some point okay but if not that is okay too.

Kids I don’t want anymore. I really don’t, I love kids and babies and having babies in the house. But I am happy with my kids being older and more independent. And all I have been through with the ones I have and their dads, I am scared to have more.

If they have kids they should be in their lives and helping to care for them and support them.

I guess my main thing is if they at least have these things and are decent and have a drive to have more in life and want to have that family and build a life with someone then what either of us have or don’t have can be gotten along the way. We can help each other or get it together. Does that make since?

This is what I want and hope to find and know that there has to be give and take and compromise. I think that some of these things are also why I kind of go back and forth with rather to say anything to Starfish.

He has a job, he will work his ass off, he has been staying at his moms for the last 6 months. Not bouncing around like he was last year.

We have taken things slow this far. But I have a feeling if we were to get together he would want to live together and tell the kids quicker than I want to. Just to be closer to work and be able to help eachother out more than living apart. It would be nice to have the help and it would let us both work on getting things we need like better cars and his license fixed. It would help me with bills and with the kids and things. But I still want to make sure things are really good and it seems it is going to last before we do that. I feel too that if he does want to move in and things quickly and I say no that will bring somethings to lite if he isn’t really into it for more than here and now or to benefit him. If he is into it for me he should have no problem and be understating. If he gets mad or pushes then I would have to question his intentions. Because what I want and things are no secret, he knows we have talked. So if he wasn’t some what on board with it then why start anything in the first place?

I have no idea really where he stands on the getting married end of things. I know he has been 3 times already. But do not ever remember him saying much about it other than he had been and why and why they didn’t workout. He knows how I feel about it.

This one is a hard one probably the one I am most torn and on the fence about than anything else with Starfish. He has 5 and one grandkid. I think one grand. That isn’t a big deal to me at all thats all fine. Even the grandkid don’t bother me. But he wants a baby, straight up wants a baby and has for a while. I seen where his ex was saying something about it few years or more ago somewhere. I figured he past that now or what but just back when he was staying here he made the comment about wanting a baby. He meant it he really does. I don’t and don’t know if I would want to with him if I did want another. He loves kids and he is amazing with them and they are drawn to him.

But he isn’t really in the lives of the ones he has. He hasn’t done a lot for them from what it apears. I know he feels bad about it he wants to be in their lives and see them and things. I don’t know the story around it all. I know he has contact with some the ones he can. It bothered/bothers me that he hasn’t been there and done what he should. And there is no excuse for it. I know how I struggle and how hard it is on my own. My kids have been done the way they have. Its hard for me to get past the fact. But then at the sametime I know things and he is trying to rebuild that relationship with them. I know the things he was into again not that it was or is right. At the sametime I feel how can I hold that against him if he is trying to do better change things and says I screwed up I can’t change it but I regret it and I want to do better?

The not having a car and things I can deal with. Because it is hard to get out of a hole once you get into it. And I can not judge or say anything about what someone has or don’t have. Because it isn’t like I have anything to offer. It isn’t like I haven’t been homeless twice with my kids, it isn’t like I’m not just a trip or two away from not having a car myself all the work it needs, or like I haven’t lost my license before. I have just been blessed to have help. I don’t have that help anymore I know what it is like to basically be on your own and doing it. You are lucky to struggle along and pay what has to be paid.

So things like getting his license back, getting a car, having a place and all that are things I feel can be worked on and figured out together. These are just the things you do when your with someone.

But then I think about what Good Friend has said about the guys I seem to end up talking to or with and wonder if I am wrong in thinking the way I do? And since when does, having a job, car, place, and taking care of being a part of your kids lives mean your a better catch then the other person. Because last I checked, RC had his own place, a car, a DL, he had two of his kids and was paying for the other two and had a job. He seemed to have his shit together and be a great person too. And look where it got me.

He was better than Father of the year who was abusive and couldn’t keep a job. He was better than the guy I dated before father of the year who was all about spending all his money on his car and if he took you out expected you to pay for your part or hapf of everything all the time and was cheap as hell unless it was for his car.

The one I like now seems better than the one who is broken and in love with me. He is better than Mr. Fling who wants to parade you around as his girlfriend but don’t want a girlfriend. Then there is my “friend” I don’t think one is really better than or worse than the other in anyways. Just me and Friend are just that “friends” there is nothing wrong with him he just happy with life as it is for the most part and I want more. But to compare them two or the two of them to the others, there is really no comparison.

I can’t say out of others I have dated or talked to that any two were the same other than my friend, Starfish and RC. Even then the only real things they have in common was personality in ways, I guess you would say. They are over all confident, take charge be the man of the house, protect, provide and take care of things. But not in a you need someone to do this or a you aren’t capable kind of way. It is more of a lets get this taken care of kind of thing. If there are times they need to do it they can and will. If it comes to someone being disrespectful or threatening or something like that, then it becomes a no I will take care of this kind of thing. It is never a one feels like they are making everything happen taking care of things or what and having to hold the others hand and drag them a long. Its a in it together kind of thing and if one needs a push or to take a step back the other is there and has their back. It wasn’t like that with peter pan or others I have talk to or dated. That is what I am looking for.

I don’t know how I would go about changing the type of guys I date or my standards. I guess I am a little lost or something when it comes to things like this. I don’t know. Hell I thought I was doing better than the guys I was normally talking to and hanging out with or dating when I got with peter pan. He turned out to be the worse of them all. It is funny because a lot of the guys I dated in school everyone freaked out about my family thought were so horrible are all doing so well now and have familes and happy.

Dating as an adult sucks. And as an adult with kids sucks even more. I am ready to give up again stay single another 4.5/5 years.

Random Thought #5

Something has been on my mind the last few days and I am not sure why or how it got there. But since it has it’s really got me thinking.

When talking to different friends over time about finding someone to be with or our other halves or what. I have noticed something. When talking to other women they want a man or need a man. While when talking with guys, a lot say they want a girl or they need a girl. I have heard very few say they need or want a woman. It just strikes me as odd.

I find it odd because to me girl and woman are two very different thing. To me a girl would be a child or younger adult or a woman who just don’t have her shit together or just not machur for their age. If that makes since. Where as a woman is someone who is handling things and taking care of what needs to be no matter what it is or how hard it gets. Don’t get me wrong I know they are not meaning they want to be with a child at all. They are looking for an adult. It’s just the word they use. But why is that the word they choose to use? Why girl and not a woman?

If a woman said I want a boy, these same guys would be telling her she needs to find a “man” and leave these “boys” a lone. Why do they not see it like that when they say they want a “girl”? I think the next time one of them tells me they want a girl or need a girl. I’m going to tell them the same. You need a woman not a girl, see what they say.

Am I wrong? Am I the only one who finds it odd? I don’t know why I have been thinking about it so much but I have.

Not Dumb, But Scared

Because we intimidate them. They don’t get what we see in them or why we want them. They feel as if they aren’t good enough. But if they weren’t they wouldn’t be there to start with. They don’t see what we see in them. They feel that they aren’t good enough and worry we are going to feel the same once we get finished bettering ourselves. They feel if we can do all this and making something for ourselves we are going to decide we need a man who is doing the samething for himself and them if they are going to be together. They feel they aren’t in step or on the same level anymore.

When the truth is they are most the time. I know a lot of guys that I have dated and talk to haven’t been to college or anything like that. But they all have decent jobs or careers. They have a trade or field they have picked up and just went with it. Some have more than one they can fall back on. They work hard and just your everyday person. That’s fine, there is nothing wrong with it. I am your average everyday person as well. I just happen to of decided to go back to school to do better for me and my kids. Because unlike these guys, I can’t just fall into these decent jobs and trades like most of them have. Only way I can do better is to go back to school. That don’t make me better than them or them not good enough. It just means I want to beable to help and do my part. If his job or anything was a problem I never got with them to start with. As long as he keeps working, continues to be the person he has always been then he is going to always be the one I want to be with. They just don’t see it that way.

I don’t think they are dumb as much as they are scared. I think men are more scared of change than women are honestly.

Don’t get me wrong I am know there are some who are just stupid and do stupid shit. But I think a lot of them are intimidated.

But I will get down off my soap box and hush now.

Just Want To Be Loved

I just want to feel loved I want to feel like someone cares about me for a change wants to be with me. I want to hold hands I want to be held I want to be touched. I don’t only want to be loved again I want to love again. I want to look forward to phone calls and random text I want to look forward to the end of the day when they get off work and come over to visit or come home. I want to have the little things and do the little things that you have and do in a relationship. I want to lay down in bed at night and have that person there holding me or them there to hold as I fall a sleep. I want to feel like I am not just giving giving giving all the time. I want to feel that I am being given too as well. That I’m not only building them and the kids up and taking care of them but that someone is taking care of me. I miss the holding hands as we walk along the random hugs and kisses just because or because it’s been a long day and you needed it. I miss being able to just walk over and give a quick kiss or hug when it feels like everything is just getting out of control. I miss really being a family.

Like right now I just want to be able to just walk up lay my head on his chest and have him put his arms around me and hold close and tight. I miss that everything is ok even if it is just for the time being feeling you get when they do. The feeling of not being alone and that we are in it together and we are going to be ok. The when you see them or they are around you can’t stop smiling and when they are gone you can’t stop thinking about them. the con ford and peace they bring you. I miss the stimulation mentally and physically from being with someone. Being able to talk about anything and everything. Being able to joke around and play around and just have fun. Not worry about being your self or doing crazy things. Being fully accepted for who you are and fully accepting the other person for who they are.

I am just rambling but it has really been bothering me more and more it seems. The sad thing is there isn’t even anywhere to go around here to meet someone decent. I have no one to go out and hang out with to try to meet someone. If I go out I am sitting there alone staring at the wall. I don’t care to go to the bars once in a while and have a drink play pool and watch everyone sing. But I don’t like to go and sit by myself and I don’t really care to go there to meet guys. Around here the odds are if they are there they live there and that isn’t what I’m looking for. I hardly ever go and don’t really want to go all that much. other than that though there isn’t anywhere. Even when I am places that are decent places and see someone who seems like someone I may be interested in talking to or if someone talks to me. They aren’t as decent as they seem or as ok as they seem. They have a habit or a record of some kind. I can’t have habits around I just went through that with RC and din’t even know what was going on til it was to late. I can’t do it again even knowing from the start. I am I am not mentally, physically, or spiritually in a place that I can help someone like that and be in that kind of  relationship with them. I also understand that people make mistakes and things but it isn’t a mistake when you keep doing it and you keep getting in trouble. I am almost 34 years old and have 4 kids to worry about and take care of. I can’t be dealing with their messes they make and bring on their self. I need someone who is responsible and ready to do what needs to be done. Someone who is ready to be an adult and have and do something with their life or who are. I can’t seem to find that around here, I always have the wrong kinds of guys trying to talk to me. As much as I want to meet someone I know it is going to be a while before I really do. I have to get out of the situation I am in and things first. Because even if I was to meet someone right now who is going to want to be with someone in this mess that I am in? I can’t really blame them either.

I think it is harder for me right now to being in this situation because father of the year is here and I have to see and deal with him 24/7. We aren’t together and haven’t been for years I think about where we are now how he has done and still dose and how he acts like and says he cares so much to everyone and how he dose behind closed doors. I think about how things use to be and wonder why they went the way they did. To think he use to be the one I went to for everything and now I can’t go to him for anything. I could but it’s just not there. It just makes me so mad that the way things went and the way things are. In a time like this when I feel the way I do I should be able to go to him and I can’t and he don’t care and is fine living like this from now on. Why I feel like I am dying a slow painful death. I feel like a little bits of me die through out the day as I try to get things done and take care of things. I just don’t understand how some people can treat people the way they do and say they care about them. He tells me all the time how much he still loves me and wants to be with me and he wants his wife back. Mostly he tells me how bad he wants me. I really feel the love from that. I know things are a complete fucked up mess between us to the point we have not been together in I don’t know how many years and we have not only filed for a divorce and you have a baby by someone else but I really want you right now and wish you would just please be with me and let me show you how much I love you. That just makes me want to jump right in bed with him. NOT!!!! The other night he was asking me again if he could lay down with me and hold me and trying to be all touchy feel y, rubbing my feet then trying to rub up my leg and touch me. I say something and he gets mad. never dose he or has he said look I know things are the way they are and have went the way they have but I really do love you and want you back. Can we just talk and try to start over and give it another chance. With out putting in there how it is all my fault and I am the one who needs to change followed with how bad he wants me right now and what he would like to do. One is always followed by the other. If I called into where he is right now and said you know what lets try to work on things and see if we could get back together he would get around to telling me if I would change this or that and did this and then want to follow me to bed and have his hands all over me and try to do other stuff. To him working it out is lets just have sex and not talk about any of it pretend it never happened and go from here. If it is brought up tell me how it is my fault he is trying he wanted to but or make up something. I’m not that way and it isn’t going to happen. I don’t have feelings for him there are no getting feelings back. I still can’t stand the thought of him touching me. He was all trying to rub my back and put his arm around me and things again tonight. I keep telling him to stop or moving. I know he don’t like it but what dose he expect.

I have done more than enough rambling and going on’s for one night. I know it probably makes no it probably sounds crazy but I just need to have that connection with someone. I talk to the kids and play with them and we snuggle and hug and things. But it just isn’t the same. There is a contention that you get with a partner that you just won’t find with someone else be it a friend family member or the kids. There is a space they can’t fill or touch. No matter how hard they try.

I Think I’m Ready

I think I’m ready to start dating again. But defiantly doing things different this time around. This time around I’m going to take things way slower. Not getting into a relationship right a way. I’m going to explore my options more.

If/when I get into another relationship I’m still going to take things slow. They are just going to have to understand or move on. I have been through too much and put my kids through too much. I feel like my life has been on hold since I met RC. Right now it’s about getting my life back and achieving the things I want to before it’s to late.

I don’t expect them to just hang out and wait or just be there when I have time. That isn’t fair or right either. I plan to find a balance with everything and to be there for every one and thing as they need. But this time I have to keep things up and follow through with what I plan to do and need to do.

Things can’t be like they became when I got married to father of the year or with RC. I had plans to go back to school and things when I met father of the year and we ended up getting married. Once we did then I had my daughter and things just kind of got put on hold from there. I went and done my massage school but that wasn’t really what I wants to do and I heard about it the 7 months I was in there.

When I finally got a way from father of the year I decided I wanted to go back to school and work, I just wanted to get a job get the kids settled and things like that. Then I met RC. I still planed to do all that. But with things the way they were I was trying to wait for us to get a bigger place and kids settled. And we all know how that went.

This time no matter what happens my plans and things are coming first. I’m not going to put things on hold again to just maybe be screwed in the end when something “better” comes along.

Do Guys Really Think

I have been talking to this guy online he is a friend of friends. I thought he was someone else when I first started talking to him. But then figured out he wasn’t. But we have been talking anyway. He’s one of them I know of we have been the same places at the same time never really talked. We have here and there comments online that’s it really. When I figured out it wasn’t who I thought it was I didn’t want to be rude so we just been talking. His girlfriend is a teacher at the daycare my youngest went to for a little bit last year before I had the baby. But I really don’t know her either.

Anyways we have only been talking for a week and he has already made it very clear that he is not married. That he did that once and wasn’t doing it again. That this is only his girlfriend and that they have been together off and on for 8 years. Sometimes he just wants to give up and walk a way even though that is probably bad to say. I just said no not bad to say but there isn’t much you can’t work out if both people want it to last and really work at it. He said yeah he knows.

We were talking about the kids I said something about having three boys didn’t he want to try for a girl. He made some kind of comment. I asked him if he wanted more kids he says no. But from what friends say and looking on his girlfriends page she is pregnant and going to be finding out what she is having anytime now. So that would mean she is about half way through her pregnancy. But it also seen someone said something about them and it sounded as if they hadn’t been together and just got back together. I am trying to figure out if it is his or whats going on there. I haven’t said anything to him about it yet. I am going to though. Just waiting for the right time.

I asked him a couple times what happen to his wife and who she was. He didn’t answer. Then he said he had a question so I said ok and answered him. I said now I have one why you keep ignoring mine? He finally answered me and said that he caught her cheating on him 5 times. I said oh 1 would have been enough for me. He said I guess I was stupid. He still never told me who she was.

He made it clear he was interested and wants to meet me and hang out. I told him we aren’t hanging out or anything you have a girlfriend. He says it be all right. I said no it won’t I’m sure she wouldn’t like it. He says she won’t care besides we are going through a rough patch right now anyway. I said not happening. He just keeps talking. He told me how it had been a while since he got any. Talking about sex, I said well stop making her mad and everything be alright. He said why is it always the guys fault? How we could help each other out no strings attached. I said yeah not happening. Besides I have a friend and a couple standing offers if I really wanted to.

But really do guys really not think before they talk to women? What women is going to want you when you are sitting here talking to her and trying to get with her behind your girlfriends back? And she knows you have a girlfriend and are doing this behind her back. You don’t even hide the fact that your with someone. Who wants to rush right out and sleep with you when they don’t even know you? Just makes his self sound desperate and a pig.

I don’t remember having lying cheating unemployed guy who’s in trouble and almost twice my age at the top of my list or even on it when I was thinking about someone I might like to be with.

I really just don’t get guys sometimes. They clearly are thinking with the wrong head most of the time I think.

Just A FYI

If it is your child and you are taking care of them it is NOT called BABYSITTING. Its called BEING a PARENT.

All Makes Since Now

I have been talking to my friend J more the last few weeks. I hadn’t talk to her much we talked here and there but not a lot. I met her and her husband through RC they were friends of his. She has contacted me a few times off and on the last year on Facebook and her husband offered to let me stay with them when I was pregnant. She asked me the other day if I could give her a ride to have a procedure done. She wasn’t allowed to drive after. Then another day we went some places. We got to talking about RC and the way he was. She said that he drank a lot when they met him. She said he was always drunk. That they had tried to talk to him about it and things but he just kept doing it.

I was kind of surprised because he hardly drank at all when we were together. He would have one to two at night when he came home and most the time he never even finished the second one. He would dump it out. I would have a drink here and there. We went out a few times and we both drank but he still didn’t really drink that much. I only ever seen him with even a good buzz once. He was never drunk. My one friend said before I was drinking a lot when I was with him. But I really wasn’t. Her a lot is different than most peoples I would say because she don’t drink. Maybe once or twice a year. So a drink a few times a week or a drink a night is a lot to her.

But with RC I think what happen was he had a problem with the pills and he was trying to get away from it so he started drinking. A lot of times that is what people will do they will do one to get a way from the other and vise versa. So that they can keep something in their systems. I think he wanted a way from the pills so he started drinking and it got out of hand. Then he started going to church and things with the kids and in laws so he probably started trying to not drink so much. Then we got together and I don’t drink like that all the time. So he was trying to keep it to just one or two an evening. I was ok with that he wasn’t sitting there getting drunk every night he wasn’t taking money out of the house.

Well then before I moved he was sitting on the step at my house. HIs little boy came running up behind him to grab him and hug him from behind. Well he hit him harder than he expected to and his knee caught him right in the back. Well he did something to his back he hurt him pretty bad. He got to where he was having a hard time when he got up in the morning and things. He went and got a relaxer and pain pill from his mom a few times. I knew it he didn’t try to hide it from me. But I don’t know how many he was getting when he went down there. I know what I found in the drew when I left was a lot. I don’t know if he was really getting them from his mom or someone else around there even at this point. I didn’t watch him or go with him. I didn’t speak to his mom we didn’t talk the whole time I was there. She stopped talking to me before I moved in and I didn’t try to find out why. I hadn’t done nothing if that is how she wanted to be then I was fine with that. I didn’t have time to be bothered with her.

I think when all that happen he got hooked back on the pills then we were talking about his daughter and I encouraged him look for her find her. So he did. Her mom is the same shape he is in and maybe worse because I know her boyfriend was a coke addict. Im sorry her husband. You don’t just stay with someone who dose that and not have some kind of problem yourself.

I think he got hooked back on the pills and was afraid to tell me and was probably trying to figure out what to do how to tell me. I think he was afraid that I wouldn’t have that around our kids and I would say oh no and leave. I think that when he found her and she was the same way it was easier to get out and go be with her who was the same way than to tell me and risk me leaving. I think it was get out before he got hurt if i left. I believe he really did love me I believe he really did want our family and the baby but he was so afraid that I was going to be so upset and mad that I would take my kids and the baby and leave. When really if he had just come to me told me everything I would have stayed if he was willing to get help and get off of them.