Single___Parent___Life











{February 1, 2021}   Catching Up To Do

I am so disappointed in myself, I was doing good at getting back on truck and posting more often. I derailed again. It has been an extremely bad year for me mentally. I am just starting to feel “normal” again if you can call it that. But as you all know just because thing’s are ruff mentally don’t mean life stops happening. Wouldn’t that be nice if we could just say hey whoa wait a minute life. My heads a little off so just stop and let me catch up straighten things out? But we can’t so we trip and fall along and hope to many people don’t notice. That has been life this year and unfortunately more have noticed than didn’t. I have been trying to put out those fires on top of everything else.

I have to see where we left off and work on getting you all caught up again. I just wanted to let you all know I am here and trying to get back into the swing of things. I need to go back and get caught up on my reading too. I have slacked all around. Sorry guys but you know how that mental rollercoaster ride is. Well a lot of you do. For the ones who don’t know you don’t know how luck you are that you don’t.

I am going to go and figure out where I need to start. I will be back soon.



{December 7, 2020}   Still Here Just Dealing With Life

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving and are getting into Christmas.
Sorry I haven’t been around for over a month now. Man did not know it was that long. I started working 50 hours a week for a bit again. Doing 6 days. I would drop him off at work go to work, get off work pick him up and go home. As soon as we ran around doing what we had to do we get home and I would make dinner and clean up. By then it would be after 9. I just wanted to shower and fall into bed and that is what I did most nights.
I have had to rent a car for 8 days why my truck was in the shop and all of a sudden while trying to get it back and return the car I get a call police are at my house.
My mother had called them and she was such a mess they wanted to Baker act her but didn’t have enough to do it. She said she would go then refused. I had to deal with that then go drop the car get the truck. From there go get my things at his house where I been staying the last few months go home. I have been home since the week before Thanksgiving dealing with her and all the bs that is her and goes with her.
To top it off my meds I got on in September stopped working in anyway shape or form. I was a mess, crying over everything, mad or angry over the least little thing. Very moody. Very depressed. I couldn’t see the docker until the Monday after Thanksgiving. I spent Thanksgiving in bed and crying feeling so low and depressed. I wasn’t sleeping and tired all the time. They up me to 300 instead of 150. Today I thought about it and think it is working. I noticed i have slept the last few nights and feel better in the day. Not 100% but huge difference.
My page on here all of a sudden changed the way I have to write my post and things I really don’t care for it. It seems harder on my phone now.

Hopefully I will be around more often again. I did really good keeping up on here then slipped a little. Got back at it and just fell down the rabbit hole of life. I really need to be on here more. It helps me feel better to write and get things out.
So that is the bigger pain in the ass taking up my time things I have been dealing with. There is other news to come in the next few post. I will let you all in on one of those light bulb moments I had the other day, my trip away for the day, and big plans for the new year.



{April 6, 2020}   How are You Doing?

With this quarantine? Are you under a quarantine? To what point? We are on a stay at home order until the end of the month. Kids are out of school until May 4th. I am not working my day job and working 8 hours a day at my night job. Because at my night job we are essential employee’s since we are a trucking company and we have to bring supplies into places. Thank God because I can’t be without no job.

Other than that most everything is closed down as of last Friday. No kind of entertainment is open. Restruants are drive through, curb side pick up, drive through or delivery. The beaches are open but you can’t park at them. You can’t park on the streets around them so you just have to park in parking lots and hope not to get towed if you go. Unless you know someone who lives out there or you live close enough to walk. I only go at night there isn’t really anywhere for me to park so I haven’t been in a while. You can still go fishing for now and swimming. I seen today they closed some parks or wetland area’s where people go to hike because they were being to crowed. Stores are open 8 to 8 here if you are lucky and now a lot are starting to only let x number of people in at a time. Wal Mart was doing that over the weekend but then it started raining and they gave that up. I don’t know if they are doing it today or not. I know they are supposed to and I hear they are going to only have the food and things like that for you to buy. They are going to block other things off so you can’t buy them. I don’t think that is going to go over well. I have been going once a week to the store and to get my coffee in the mornings. Sometimes I will stop on the way home to grab a drink. Other than that I will go through the drive through or do curb side pick up for lunch or dinner on the weekend for me and the kids.

But I am not mentally doing well with this whole thing at all. I have been hardly sleeping for days at a time. I fall a sleep and just as I get into that deep sleep I will jump and be wide awake. My heart pounding out of my chest and hurting at times. I will do that all night as soon as I start to get in that deep sleep. Or I just don’t sleep at all, I will go to bed think I been laying there and hour or less and it has been 4. Then the next thing I know it i time to get up.

I have been really irritable with the kids and everyone else as well with things. My moods have just been swinging all over the place. I feel clingy and needy and I feel like I have been dumping on J.W.   We aren’t getting to see each other as much either because his hours have changed as well, but mostly because of mine.

I was starting to feel good about us and that maybe things were really going to be alright, this might be it. Then all this has been going on and I feel like maybe we aren’t, maybe he is going to get tired of waiting for me, waiting on me to tell the kids, waiting on me to have time to come over or us to do things together.

I am worried that I am going to run him off with my dumping/venting to him. My just being stressed and down and aggravated. Or being to clingy/needy. I keep telling him I am sorry and that I am not trying to vent or dump on him. He keeps saying I’m not and that I have a lot going on, he understands, wishes he could do more. I told him last night I really wasn’t trying to bitch and be a pain in the ass. I am just so stressed and don’t know what to do. I told him a week or so ago I need something to take and have been trying to figure out what to get. He told me he missed me he wished he was here with me. To stop saying sorry I hadn’t done anything wrong.

He comments about staying the night and doing different things that he knows I can’t do right now. I tell him he knows I can’t do that right now. He says I know I am just messing with you. Or he knows one day soon and things. I am scared, I am scared that he is going to get tired of me not being able to do things because of the kids and find someone that isn’t tied to kids and can do things he wants to do without having to make arrangements or who can make them and has someone to watch them. I am jealous as well that he can just get up and do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to and has his nights free after work and his day off free to do what he wants to do and don’t have to worry about anything. It isn’t his fault it is what it is. I am pissed off, I am pissed off that I never have a break. I am pissed off that the other two walk around and do anything and everything they want to do and never once have to or think about their kids why I do it all and never get a second to do anything at all that I don’t have to have my phone on me and worry about kids. I am tired, I am tired of being the only one who does it all, not having a break and not sleeping. I am just a huge ball of emotions. Like I told J.W last night I don’t even want to be around myself, I am sorry for being so bitchy and a pain in the ass. That is when he told me he missed me and wanted to be around me and I was fine.

You know I am not stressed about having to work, or worried that I might catch this or that I might give it to someone else. The verus don’t bother me at all. I am stressed about not getting to work. I am stressed my hours have been cut from 62 to 40. I am stressed because I am stuck in this house all the time when I am off and we can’t do anything. I am stressed because there is no end to this in sight. I am stressed because I am tired and want a break. I am stressed because I feel this whole thing was handled horribly and there are going to be so much bad come of this once things open up. I am just stressed because I don’t know what to do with myself. I work that is just what I do and I can’t work. I can’t make the money I need to make to do the things I need to do. I can’t go anywhere or do anything to get a break from the house. I was going to J.W’s at night to see him but now he don’t get off until two hours or more after I get off most days. Then by the time we get to see each other or spend time together it is midnight/1 am. What am I supposed to do for hours until he gets off and that is time I could be home with the kids really get to see them spend time with them. As much as I want to, I don’t want to either. Because every little thing they do drives me up the wall. They really aren’t doing anything just being kids. I know it is me.

I went to the store last night and found something to take. It is all natural. It says to take it three times day or every 15 minutes if you have panic attack not to go over 6 dose. I took it last night when I got it and once this morning on my way to work. I was going to take it later and I didn’t end up taking it. I am going to take it three times tomorrow like it says, see if I notice a change in how I feel the next few days. Or if I just need to take it when I am feeling some kind of way and like I need something. But I am thinking taking it three times like it says will get it built up in my system. If not I will move on to something else.

We have a naturalist in the area I was going to go by and talk to them but they are closed only pick up or mail order. If what I got don’t work I am going to call or message them and see what they recommend. I was going to try this stuff that Bff gets her daughter but it is only 20 pills one for day one for night. It will only last a little over two weeks. I am also going to try to get our medical covrage back in case i need to go in and get something.

Comment let us know how you are doing and lets support each other.



{August 5, 2019}   Workin’ Moms

I know I am late to the game once again probably but that is okay. I hardly ever watch tv at all unless a few minutes here and there with the kids. Then I don’t really watch it because who can hear or follow anything with 4 kids fighting and talking and doing whatever in the middle of it.

I signed up for a free Netflix trial the other day week when me and Little Bitty were laying in bed one night looking for something to watch. I have been watching it at work.

I started watching Grace and Frankie when it first came out, then got rid of Netflix and didn’t keep up with it. So I went back and started at the be-gaining and watched all of them. Now I have moved on to Workin’ Moms. I just finished season one and started season two a few minutes ago. Sadly I think this is the last season and I am not sure but I don’t think they are making anymore. I will have to check but I think this one came out a year or two ago so I would say they aren’t.

But while watching this I just laugh and then sit there and go wow I can so relate. Most of all I can relate to Frankie in the first season of the show. All I can think is who followed me around to record my life and tell her how to act.

Everything from the do you ever think about the plane just crashing, to the just tossing everything out or selling it. Her putting her face in the pool and the people pulling her out and her looking at them like nothing is wrong. You know your not going to do it but just don’t want to be here either.

Then the whole feeling guilty over the kids and not doing enough and not being there enough, the who is going to do everything for them and feeling overwhelmed at the same time. The other moms were dealing with what I feel everyday. the one mom feeling that she just needs the change or a change and piercing her nipple in the bathroom why they are out and wanting to leave her husband. Feeling that she is doing nothing but work work work for everyone and getting nothing in return from anyone but shit about what a horrible job your doing or why you shouldn’t be doing it or what you should be doing or doing different.

Imagine feeling that all on top of how Frankie was feeling and dealing with. That would me. I don’t know how I am getting by or functioning right now or the last month or more. I got one yes one hour of sleep last night. Then a huge fight with the Bitch this morning. I didn’t get to bed until 2 and watched a show with Little Bitty because I promised her and she is having a horrible time right now with all this. Then I laid there awake with my mind reminding me of every ball I have dropped, all that I have not cleaned up after, what a horrible job of being a person and/or parent I am, what is going to happen when all these balls that have been dropped and not dealt with come to a head. Then the thinking of oh well then maybe I will get a break and the drop of  a ton of breaks of feeling guilty for feeling that way when it deals with the kids. Then the circle of horrible mommy, poor kids slides back around and it just keeps going on and on like the song that never ends. I tell myself over and over that one person can’t get in my head not to let them get to me but I can’t help it. I know i have dropped the ball I need help but I don’t have it and don’t have anywhere to turn to get help. If I try then it just gives others more room and reason to pounce and cause life to be 1000x worse and keep pounding me down more and more and my kids to be unhappy more and more.

At the end of the fist season Frankie told her wife she was going to a treatment program to get help and I thought that would be so nice to be able to get help somewhere for the way I feel. But that isn’t an option for me like a lot of things aren’t an option for me. To have someone there that supports her and wants to still be with her. Who somewhat understands and wants to see her better.



{July 4, 2018}   Not Less At All



{December 2, 2017}   A Horrible Thursday

Let me tell you Thursday was a really bad day for me, I spent most the day crying from about the time I got up until late evening. Wednesday night wasn’t much better. I do not even know what started it. I just had that thick, heavy, being smothered feeling all day. I was supposed to go do my hours I decided to go later in the morning because all I could do was cry. I dropped Little Bitty at school called my friend to see if she wanted to go to breakfast. She said yes but she had to go take a shower first, so I met her at her house and hung out there why she got ready. As we were getting ready to leave my friend who moved a way a few months ago called me. We were taking our own cars because we all had stuff to do after so I left and talked to her on the way. I was in tears on the phone with her. I got there and they all got there at the same time. I got out and went to go in side they stopped me and wanted to know what was wrong and everything. I told them it was fine. My one friend is like no, no it isn’t I don’t like seeing you like this. She knows I don’t think she has ever seen me like that but maybe one time ever has she seen me cry. when I cry like that others see they get scared because they know that is not me and they most likely have never seen me do that before.

We went in and sat down, I didn’t even order breakfast I had bacon and bread. I was to sick to eat and didn’t want to eat, I just needed out of the house. I didn’t know what I wanted or where I wanted to go. We sat there for a while and talked after we had our food and things. My other friend started text me, my good friend as I call him. Then Starfish was texting me, I messaged them back and forth why we were all talking and that kind of helped to take my mind off things some.

But I still broke down and cried when I got to the place to do my hours. I talked to them a little and then we got to work. I don’t know what it is I know part of it was dreading going there to start with but I don’t know why because I am not even dealing with clients just data entry. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I hate that feeling. I just want to leave and get away from everything. I don’t even want to drive or anything. I just want to open the door walk away and just keep walking. I don’t know where I want to walk to or why but I just feel like I need to get away. I know that is all it is but I don’t know why walking is better than driving. I just wish I could feel better. I hate feeling that way. I am going to also have to go get my medications fixed and get back on something because I can’t do this on my own I don’t think. It is so hard I can tell that the medication helps a lot. I am just so tired of fighting and that is just something else i am having to fight over right now and it is the last thing I should have to fight over at this point. That is one thing I kept thinking and saying to them too Thursday, I’m tired, so very tired of fighting over everything and for everything. I just want some things to be easy for a change. But I don’t think I am going to ever have easy in my life in any shape or form.



{November 19, 2017}   A Long Day and Night

I just woke up in a horrible funk today, feeling very depressed and down. I woke up at 9 am something and by 10 I was already thinking about starting to drink for the day. I have not drunk in a long time but I wanted to and I wanted to right then and there and to just drink for the day. I cried and cried I put somethings on line people were asking what was wrong and then one of the teachers from Little Bitty’s school messaged me. I talked to her a little bit about the mess and what was going on and things. She did bring up a decent job that I maybe able to get. She said her husband had helped a few people from the school or parents get on. She was going to talk to him about it. I am waiting to hear from her about that because I think it would be a pretty decent job. I am pretty sure it is considered a government job as well. I could transfer it out of here to somewhere else if I wanted to move. I may not be able to move as soon as I wanted too and it has nothing to do with the field I am looking into going into, but if it is a decent job and good pay I would stay here until I could transferred so that I would know I had a job when I got ready to move and it would make the move easier and getting a place and things. I could work it until I was settled and found something else that was as good. I hope he is able to get me on and I can start soon. Even if I start now it is going to be a bit before I get pay coming in but I could work it out and make it happen.

I tore my room apart and cleaned it somewhat. I took the broom to the fans and cleaned the dust and things off. I wiped down the walls they were a mess. Moved all that could be moved and cleaned and mopped the floors good. I had my oldest help me told her I would pay her when I started working again so if she would just help me get it done.

I was still in a funk and spent most the day crying and trying to hold it together and just not care or feel anything like the last week or so but it didn’t work. I had so much built up inside I could’t stop crying even when I tried. Now I am sitting here and it is one thirty am and I am wide a wake, my head is hurting and I am supposed to be doing homework so that I can do some things tomorrow and not be sitting her in the house all day. I don’t have any money but would like to get out and do something for a while get the kids out of the house.

I can really tell that I need to go back on some kind of medication. I just can’t find time to go to the doctor to get it and don’t feel like doing anything. I need to go back and talk to the therapist as well I think.



{November 14, 2017}   Everything’s Going To Be Alright

I am still in a funk, mood, I don’t know what you would call it. I keep thinking about all the bills and everything I owe out right now but I just like oh well it will work out. I will figure it out, although I haven’t really been figuring it out and have not idea what to do. I don’t know what made me think of this song but for some reason it has been on my mind lately. R.C use to play this all the time. I remember cooking or cleaning and listening to it playing in the background as the kids all ran around and played and we talked an did things. I really had not even thought of him in a long time even. My friend brought him up the other night. First time I thought of him in a while. She was just saying wouldn’t it be something if he showed back up. I said well he could see her and spend time with her if she wanted to, but he can’t leave with her and it be a long time before he would be allowed to take her off by himself and we would have to have court papers drew up first. He could not take her around his girlfriend. He could bring her around his daughter and the boys or whatever kids of his he wanted to but not his mother or girlfriend. But as I have always said I will not keep her from having whatever kind of relationship they ever decide to have if they do. I just have to make sure she is protected at the same time and until I know she is they would have to do it supervised by myself or someone I trusted.

I have my check I have not cashed but it all goes to the school, I have my pay from the last two weeks at the shop that is still owed to me. I left early week before last to take care of something didn’t make it back before they closed. I just hadn’t gotten it. I was going to get it all last Friday but forgot it was a holiday weekend and things were going to be closed. I was going to go in and work get my two days in but he was closed Friday and I didn’t get up there Thursday because I didn’t know he wasn’t going to be open the next day. I am going up there tomorrow and work and again Friday. I will get that but it isn’t a lot. Gas, lights and that is probably it. I need to start buying something for Christmas for the kids even if it is just little stuff and get it put up so I have something for them. I wanted to get them their lap tops and a power wheel but that isn’t going to happen now I guess. I think I will still have enough to get them 3 to 5 things each and decent things if I start shopping now and get some deals.

I just don’t know how to get over this feeling, I don’t know if I want to get over this feeling. Right now I feel pretty relaxed and stress free just about. It feels good but at the same time something keeps going this isn’t normal, why do I feel this way, how long is it going to last, don’t jinks it, just ride it out, what’s going to come next, is this what it feels like to not be stressed by someone or something all the time, is this what it is like to be happy, is this what happy feels like, it don’t feel like I thought it would, what am I missing, what bad is going to happen, oh i need to get on that room and get it rented out, i want to but i don’t want to hear everyone’s input on it, who cares what they say, is this what it is like to live and not have to answer to anyone? All this goes through my head about a million times a day at about 100 miles per hour, just like that. Then I go to I don’t really feel anything, not happy not sad not mad not anything. Thats what I am feeling how do you feel nothing? If you are feeling nothing then you are feeling something right? This goes racing through my mind with it. It just plays over and over and over again like a cd on repeat. Why do I feel this way, is it normal to like feeling this way or not care that you feel this way? Are the thoughts I have when I sit and think about it. Why am I so moody and get so mad at things at the drop of a hate and ready to fight when I feel nothing the rest of the time?

I am sleeping but not good, if I fall a sleep early I am waking up in a few hours or I am up most the night and only sleeping a few hours. I feel all out of order but perfectly normal and fine at the same time. Even though it isn’t normal I guess it is my normal that I have gotten use to over the years. Then I think about all this and it just makes no since. I keep telling myself I need to make and appointment and go to therapy again since I haven’t been in a while. But then I think do I really need to go when I feel nothing at all right now? What am I going to tell her? I don’t feel anything? I like it but is it normal or it’s my normal.



{March 31, 2017}   Very draining Day

Just wanted to say I never use a persons real name when posting.

Today was my day to help at the older kids school and it started out in a crazy rush to get there. I woke the kids up at 7 as always and then I fell back to sleep because I had not went to sleep until after 3. I get up between 745 and 815 depending on what I have to do that day. Something woke me up at around 8 or a little after this morning I called the kids to see what they were doing and they were sleeping. They had not dried their clothes or anything else. We were a couple minutes late but not much. The teacher and one of the other parents were out front talking still. I walked up talked with them for a bit, she left we went inside. We did the morning pledge and thing got the kids caught up on the field trip tomorrow what we were going to be doing and the rules. They got to work I started working on writing the stuff on the back of the rocks they painted the other day. I don’t know if you all have a group around you but it is such and such county rocks. whoever wants to paints rocks then hides them around town for people to fine. We are going to put some in our down town area and take some on our field trip tomorrow. The kids painted them Tuesday and we were going to write the stuff on the back and then seal them. Well most the rocks were black so I had to paint over them with white paint then write on them. I finished painting and was in the middle of writing on them when we had a problem with one of the students that snow balled into a 3 hour or more ordeal.

The teacher walked by ask her to sit in the chair properly and put her legs down. It’s a girl in a dress siting across from a boy with her legs up in the air and all. She started she was sitting right and she wasn’t doing anything wrong and started to go into a melt down. She told her lets go in the other room and talk about it not where everyone is doing work, test ad studying. I started to go with her but I can see in the other room and hear if something happens. They have three class rooms all in a row that have a door in between and a window in between two of them as well. The teacher came back out and sat down and said now she has locked herself in the bathroom and won’t come out. The bathroom is in this little hall like area between the 2nd and 3 rd room. There is a counter on one side where the teachers have their coffee pot and microwave the other side is the bathroom. As soon as she said it I just had this thought and this feeling go over my whole body that she was going to do something I felt she may try to do something to someone or herself but I knew there was nothing in the bathroom she could do anything to herself with. I figured she stopped the toilet up and have it running over everywhere.

The teacher said I am going to give her 5 minutes to get herself together and come out. In a few minutes the kids started saying what was that? Then we hear her yelling or screaming. She got up and went to go in there I got up and went with her. I figured she probably should have a witness being she has to open this bathroom door and go in and still trying to talk to her and get her out. This is a newer child, and she puts me in mind of the type that would say someone done this or that to her and/or to just start swinging if the right mood hit. She knocked a few times she wouldn’t say anything wasn’t making a sound at all. She told her she was going to open the door if she did not come out. She still didn’t say anything so she open the door. The girl got up against it was trying to push it shut and hold it shut so she could’t get in. We talked to her a few minutes told her lets sit talk but she had to come out of the bathroom. She screaming yelling leave her a lone. She told her we were going to be calling grandma if she didn’t come out this went on long enough. She didn’t care she wasn’t coming out. Teacher ask me to go get her binder with phone numbers in it so she could call mom or grandma. The girl molly let go over the door a little like she was going to come out or let her open then turned right back around and slammed it, slamming it into the teacher and slamming the teacher Mrs. C’s back into the door frame. She is having trouble with her back already. I went got the book with numbers we went and called grandma. She said she wasn’t far she be there fast as she could.

We were standing there in the third room talking and she open the door looked around and when she seen us she went back in locked the door. Now we have kids that need to use the bathroom because this has been going on for about 35 minutes or so and it is the only bathroom we have. we open the door again she is sitting back on the toilet with it open and her clothes on. We just told her not to do that when the door was open the first time she was going to get her dress wet. We open it this time she says my dress fell in there and go wet. We said we told you that was going to happen, grandma is coming to take you home anyway but you need to come out others need to use the bathroom. No leave me alone screaming and yelling. At this point Mrs. C has the door open all the way leaning on it with her back against it and her heel on it to keep her from closing it again. She started trying to shove it closed over her she told her she was hurting her she say oh sorry, I didn’t mean to. Then do it agian, she said yes you mean to or you would not keep doing it then say sorry, you know if you do it, it is going to hurt she has told you three times. She starts yelling shut up you know your lying you can’t read my mind you don’t know if I am doing it or not.

We ended up sending one of the older boys with the other to take him to one of the churches bathrooms because we could’t get her to come out and we didn’t want to leave either of us there alone with her. In a minute she stood up walked out into the middle room. I was in a funny position the way we ended up standing there. I think I had walked away int that room but close where I could see and hear what was going on to talk to one of the kids. she came out. The teacher was right there behind if she turned to go back into the bathroom she have to get around her to get in there. I seen her looking I knew she was about to bold not to the bathroom but out the door. I looked at Mrs. C behind her back and said I said she looking to leave, as I was saying she is she bolted into the class where the kids were and out the door. I went after her and Mrs. C ran out the door she was next to. By the time we got to the grass and parking lot maybe three to five foot out the door grandma was there. She came walking up to us. Molly kept going she was telling her just get in the van they would go home and things she just kept going. She ran almost to the end of the little side street in front of the church. Grandma was still calling her telling her not to do this come back they could go home. Well there is a little wall there and she jumped over the wall and headed to the busy road in front of the church. I knew I couldn’t get to her going straight down and across like she did so I went to the side where I was standing to get up to the road to see where she was going and where she was at even if I wasn’t close to her. She was about half block or less away from me. She was standing on the corner looking at the cars flying by. I was calling her she was ignoring me. She ripped her shoes off and tossed them down and started lunging toward the road and the cars that were coming. I have ran across the yard at the church and now I am running down the parking lot on the side of this busy road. I was trying to call 911 why I was trying to run then trying to stop traffic on this busy road cars flying by because she is trying to run out in the road with car coming at her. I shoved my phone back in my pocket because I could’t look at dialing it, trying to stop traffic and trying to watch her all at the same time. I felt they needed to be called but in order for me to keep me and her as safe as I could and do everything I could to keep her safe I needed to focus on me and her and figured someone was calling the police.

I am trying to stop the traffic and they just ignore me and fly right on by. I am hollering for her to not go in the road to get back and she keeps acting like she is about to run in the road at any second. I stepped out in the middle of the road so traffic would hopefully stop and it did. But I could not see traffic coming from the other direction up by where she was because it was around a bin. I couldn’t stop them because they would have to pass her or be on top of her before they would see me. She looked seen there was no traffic coming I had stopped it and thank God there was none coming at that time her direction she took off running down the street again. I got on the sidewalk and went after her trying to at least just get caught up to her see where she was going so we didn’t lose her. Mrs. C couldn’t follow because we could’t leave the kids in class alone. I have no idea where grandma was because I figured when I stopped traffic grandma would be there in a minute maybe she could grab her or something she never came. she got ahead of me because we ere so far apart she rounded a corner and went down another little side street. I got to the corner there and I seen grandma in the van pulled up by her talking to her she wasn’t running or anything she was walking so I didn’t go any closer I figured she calming down she is talking to grandma she isn’t running I am don’t want to get closer and make her mad or upset her make her run again. I figured she get in they would come back around to the school, I turned around and walked back the way we came back to the school. As I was running by the corner where she tossed her shoes and left them a lady from one of the offices says those are her shoes as I ran by them. I knew they were she just seen everything that happen me trying to get her to stay out of the road and things. Did I really look like I had time to stop and make sure her shoes got picked up and weren’t in the road? I said yeah I don’t care about her shoes right now I have to get her before she hurts herself or gets lost as I ran by her. I was really annoyed that she even said it to me. I shouldn’t have been but it was just the stress of the moment and she meant well I am sure too. I went back by and they had picked them up out of the road and sat them on the sidewalk outside their business there so they would be seen. I picked them up and tried the door but they were locked. I went to go on back to the school and a lady came out. I said I am sorry I wasn’t trying to be rude we just have a situation with a student I am trying to make sure she is safe and things. She said no I understand was telling me she knew we were over there and they use to see us walk the kids down to the library all the time and the park last year and things she thought it was such a nice school. How good it seemed for the kids. I said yeah it really is we have a good group of kids but when you have kids like ours and sometimes things happen. I got back the school the teacher was all upset I was I felt like I was able to calm down stop worrying everything was okay then she asked me where they were and mom was there. I told her they were a couple streets over I thought grandma had her it seem like she was calming down. Mom drove over to them. We waited no one came back I went drove around about three streets sign of them. I think I missed them they took a side street they are at school. I get back there ask her she said no didn’t you find them? I said no I they are no where to be seen I thought they came back here. She said no. She tried to call mom she didn’t answer she tried a few times the last time she told her we had to report it to the police because we did not know if they had her or not if they did not call back in 5 minutes we had to report it because it had been so long no one came back to talk with us or anything. They didn’t call back. We called the police told them we had a student run from campus and that mom and grandma where looking for her but that we didn’t know now if they had her like we thought because no one would call us back or came back to take care of things. They ask the school name and address and said that the police were with grandma. I guess they didn’t have her either. They were still trying to get her or find her.

They sent a cop over to talk to use ask if she hurt anyone she said yes she hit her with the door and hurt her. They asked if she had threaten to hurt herself we told him no she didn’t say she was going to, but that when she ran she went straight for the road and what she had done and that once there were not cars coming at her or around then she went on running but before that she taken off her shoes and was going toward the road and acting as if she was going to go out in front of the cars until I had stopped the cars. He said that’s enough for me thank you and left. I said that’s odd they didn’t ask us to fill out reports or nothing. The kids all seen the cop come up and was already asking where she was when we came back in without her. All we could tell them was that the police were with grandma and they were trying to get her and give her the help she needed that they would let us know something in a little bit. Our one poor boy he is about 15 I think was so upset and sick. I felt so bad for him he was saying my day was going so good it was just going so good then this happen and I jut don’t feel good and I need to do something I didn’t know what to tell him to do or how to help him. I said draw, read, work on work, whatever you want to do here in the class is fine what will help you feel better? He said I don’t know I am sure you can think of something. I finally came him paper and told him get whatever he wanted to draw with and draw. He went back and put his head down for a while.

In a little bit Mollies mom came back to the door and said that the cops were back out front they wanted to talk to her to fill out the report and hopefully baker act her. She said I don’t know they said I can take her or they could or I could take her home, she said I can’t take her home like this she already ran on them yesterday or the day before. She said I don’t know what good taking her home will do. Mrs. C told her I be the one that needed to talk to the cop because I was the one that had the information that would let them backer act her because I was the one to go after her and things. We went out the cop ask me what happen I told him he asked if I felt she was trying to harm herself or take her life. I said yes I did because she kept lunging like she was just waiting for the right time to jump out in the middle of the street. She told them she just wanted to cross the street she was tying to go somewhere on that side. I said no sir she didn’t just want to cross the street, I said if that was the case and she wanted over there so bad why didn’t she then cross when I stopped traffic and she was standing there? I said once I stopped traffic and there were no cars coming she wasn’t interested in that street no more she headed for the other one. He said okay if you feel that’s what she was trying to do and that she was about to run in front of a car you will have to give me a sworn statement and write out a detailed report of what happen so I can take her or I have to give her back to mom. I said that is no problem at all I can do that if it means her getting help she needs. He gave it to me and I wrote it out and everything for him. He then wanted my idea and I gave him that and they went on. He told mom that he was taking her straight to the in patient hospital down south of us to go down in an hour or two and talk to them it would take him time to get her there and them to book her or whatever they want to call it and get her admitted.

They said she has been getting worse and worse at school and they have been having more and more problems from her at home as well. That they changed her medications and it don’t seem to be helping and things only seem to be getting worse. Mom said she didn’t know if she would be back once she got out or what they would be doing with her at that point. Mrs. C talked to the principal of the school finally after it was all over and she said she would be sending her a letter letting her know that she could not come back. She said they have had a lot of behavioral problems out of her prier to this as well and that they are not a school for kids with behavioral problems. The fact that she hit the teacher with the door and she ran was enough with everything else that has been going on to say she couldn’t let her come back. She said she is worried about others safety as well if she would do that wit the teacher. I kind of feel bad for her and think maybe they are jumping to soon to say she can’t come back at all but then at the same time I don’t know. Because part of it is the I’m spoiled I am going to do it just because I can and you can’t do anything about it or everyone look at me I am going to throw a fit because someone said something to me. Mom even said some of it she thinks she is just doing as well. Then some she can’t control. Maybe finding a school that deals with problem kids would be better for now for her.

I don’t know when the last time I ran so far, so fast, and in the heat. My head was pounding, my chest was burning and my heart was hurting. Here they started construction on the church today so there are these workers all out there watching, the people from the office across the street and the poor new people right on the corner we all drive by watching this. I almost fell down in the grass coming across the yard of the church trying to head her off and meet her on the road to make sure she didn’t’ get hit. This wasn’t just something that happen it was a big blow up but was under control in a few minutes the day went on. This all took place over a 3 hour or more time frame. The kids have lunch at like 1130 and it started about 30 minutes or more before that. We were not done dealing with it until just about two.

I guess when I decided to go back to the school just let grandma talk to her figured she could deal with her better without us involved she darted to the big main high way then back and forth up and down the side street and ended up back up to the road me and her was on and grandma had same kind of experience I did with her. She ended up calling 911 at that point.

After mom got her things and everyone left Mrs. C told the kids to clean up and they were going to start working. I said you may as well just let them play or something there is only an hour of school left and they are not going to be focused on work after everything that just went on. I said it ins’t like they are going to miss much anyway any no one here’s parents going to complain because their kid. She said yeah I am glad you said that I am still not with it they can just have move time until time to go home. So that is what we done popped in a move for them and tried to calm down and relax ourselves.



{October 1, 2016}   Going to talk to Someone

I have been thinking and I think I should find a counselor or someone to talk to myself. I know some of you are probably thinking finally. I finally for once in a really long time feel that things in life are falling into place and for once I don’t feel like I am just waiting for the rug to be pulled from under me and everything to fall apart again. I feel like I am living life and not just getting through life. But I feel like there is just something there that isn’t right, I don’t know what it is just this nagging weird feeling that I just can’t figure out.

I have noticed too that no matter how much I sleep, how good I feel, what is going on good or bad I just want to stay in bed and sleep. I can sleep 10 hours or 2 and feel the same way. The other night I turned everything off sat down to watch a movie with the kids about 8 pm. By 8:30 I was a sleep and slept for an hour. Once I woke up I finished the move with the kids got everyone to bed and went to my bed and went right to sleep. I sleep until 7 and got up took the kids to school came home and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I laid back down for 4 more hours or more. I feel like I am in a mental fog or just unmotivated. I just don’t feel right mentally still even though I feel calm, relaxed and things are going good and I am happy.

I am thinking maybe if I talk to someone figure this out then I will do better. Right now even though things are going good I am not keeping track of things like I need to. I forgot the kids got out early the last three days this week, that the other kids were out of school Friday. I set my test of to take Friday morning right after I dropped them at school then had no one to watch them and couldn’t take it another day that was the last day to take it. I ended up taking them with me and letting them sit and read in the hall why I took my test. It only took 30 minutes.

I still feel like everything I do I have to put 100% of my thought and attention into what it is I am doing to get it done and I don’t think of other things that might need to be considered. Then later I think of it and am like oh great I forgot I have this that day or that to do and now I set this up too.

I don’t know how many times I have went to go somewhere and just forget where I was going and be headed somewhere else like auto pilot just going. I don’t feel busy or over whelmed I am happy and feel good. If I could just figure out what is going on and figure out why there is unfinished business that needs to be taken care of.

I also just have this feeling like I need to or I am supposed to go and talk to someone for some reason. I figure between it all maybe I should. I have only went three times to talk to anyone. The first two were when I was young and to the same person both times. I went the one time then for a follow up. I didn’t like him and didn’t talk to him. Then right after I had my oldest I went and talk to a lady once but we talked for hours and I felt so much better and feel I really worked through a lot at the time.

I don’t know if I want to go to a guy or a women or if I can really pick or if I should just go to whoever can see me first vs waiting longer. I don’t know who I would feel more comfortable with talking to. I feel like it don’t matter because either way I am not going to be comfortable talking to anyone, I’m going to feel like I am being judged either way. I still feel like even though this is what I want to do and really feel like I need to do, I don’t know if it is really what I should do.

I guess I just have to figure out where to go to talk to someone or if there is somewhere that I can go, then go and try it at least once and decide from there. I am not sure where the lady I talked to before went I think she moved or I would maybe go talk to her. I met her at church and went in to her office to see her. I really felt comfortable talking to her and was able to.



et cetera
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