As if the truck breaking down and finding out Father of the Year had a stroke wasn’t enough excitement it gets better. I think I told you all right before Thanksgiving about the bitch calling the police and freaking out telling them someone is after her. They have hacked her computer’s, our phones and messing around the house. She was so bad they were ready to baker act her but she didn’t say enough.

Will since then she has called them I don’t know how many times she has called them since. I am being told 21 but I do not think it has been that many unless they are calling when I am at work.

If someone walks by and looks at the house she is calling they are watching her trying to see her. If they pull up sit in the street or park on the side for something she is calling them. If they go flying by or around the house she is calling.

You have to know I sit on a corner lot with a stop on the side of my house and in front. I also live on one of the 3 ways to get in and out. It is off a busy street so a lot of people come and go.

Since I have moved in they will stop at the stop or just before it and text or make a phone call or check their gps or whatever. At least they are not driving and doing it they are stopping and waiting. They will fly down through here and around corners at 50 or 60 you think they are going to flip or roll. But this has all went on since I moved in, in 2014. She says it just started and it don’t matter when it started. The fact is there is nothing going on to call the police over. No one would call but her.

So I get home late Tuesday after they finally get the truck fixed eat and go to bed. About 11\1130 P.M. the dog starts freaking out some one is at my door. I figure she has called them again over something. Then they are calling me out there. A few weeks ago they woke me up called me out there and the cop insisted on me coming out and talking to him. I was already aggravated and tired and I did not want to go outside to talk to him. He kept on he needed to talk to me outside. I went out he was asking me what was going on that night or what. I said I didn’t know I was a sleep. He was asking about other stuff. I was just like I don’t know. You have to ask her. I was short and very annoyed he could tell. He ask me why I was mad or what. I said because I had to get up come out side in the cold and deal with him. That this has nothing to do with me. I don’t want in the middle of it. He said it did have to do with me it’s my house. I said she stays here too she called you not me. I don’t know what is going on I go to work come home eat go about my business, I don’t get into what she is doing. I just say yeah ok or whatever I don’t pay attention really. I don’t care i don’t want to be out here talking to you if I didn’t call you. She did take it up with her. No need to talk to me I have nothing to say. If I feel you need to come out here I will call myself and talk to you when you get here. I am not coming out here anymore if she calls. He said go ahead go in side.

So Tuesday night they are saying the police are here I need to come out there. Before I could say anything they say DCF is with them. Because I was about to tell them I wasn’t coming out. Until they said they were there too.

I go out there there is a social worker there wanting to talk to me. We go outside and she is telling they want to check on the safety of the kids the cops have been called x amount of times and all this. The cops said she seemed extremely upset and things when they first came out. They needed to make sure they were safe not scared there and all this. Ask all their noise questions. Ask where their dad was and all that.

I told her he the older 3 lived about 5 miles away was out of the picture. Had been for almost 4 years. He don’t call see them or pay child support. That little one’s dad seen here one time when she was 3 weeks old and he is in Tennessee somewhere. I told her I had just heard Earlier that morning Father of the year had a stroke and wasn’t in good health.

Then she asked if I had a boyfriend. I thought I just said no. She asked a bunch of other questions, if kids had any medical things, names ages birthdays. What their medical condition was. Had me sign papers to get their medical records and others for them. Then she wanted to talk to my oldest. I called her out there and went inside. They talked to her a bit and then sent her in. I went out she said she needed to talk to my oldest son.

I told her I needed to talk to her a minute about something she asked. She said okay what was wrong. I said you asked if I had a boyfriend. I said I do, but no one here knows at all about him we have been together for about a year. But that I was waiting to tell the kids. Then this covid crap started we just hadn’t told them. I said I didn’t date forever then did for a while. But that I tell the kids I am going with Bff. I said I do not bring men to my house or around my kids bring someone new home all the time. I told her I have known this one most our lives but I still wanted to see how things were going to go. I said I just didn’t want her to ask the kids about him or anything. Because they would be confused or what. She said no that was fine she completely understood.

She talk to the next two and I went out to talk to her see what was going on from there. She said she had to go back talk to her boss and figure out what needed to be done or what. I just looked at her the cops were standing there I said are you going to come back and take my kids or a chance of that? She said why would you say that? I said because you say you have to go talk to her figure out what to do. I said I told you this is what I was going to school for. I know you could walk away from here with them right now if you wanted to. I know you can come and do it tomorrow if she says to. If you can’t decide yourself tonight you must think there is a possibility that you are going to. I said my kids have been through a lot I already told you without their dads here and things. I said we are very close and they are never away from me. If you do that it is going to be detrimental to their mental health. If you walk in out of the blue and take them. I said if you do at all it is not going to be good on them but them not knowing ahead of time is going to be much worse. We talked a little more she went in talked to her.

She said she had to go out call her boss. It was after 2 am then. She was out there for a bit came back in. She said the boss said right now it was a civil matter she would be in touch not a lot they could do but the case is open case she would be back and she was going to talk to the people around me.

So now I am waiting to hear from her. I tried to get a hold of her the next day she has never called me back. I will try again Monday.

{December 8, 2020}   Someone Flipped The Switch

As I said my meds are not working and I have been a mess. One extreme to the next. Mostly very emotional and depressed. And of course anyone who deals with mental illness knows we take things personal we shouldn’t, we look to far into things and question everything. The one’s of us who have been through abusive relationships are even worse when it comes to this. It is hard enough dealing with the whispers of the what if’s, did you hear what he said and many more from the back of our minds. We ignore them, tell them it isn’t true, and all the good we see in the other person. The good they have brought into our lives and how happy we are. But they are always looking for something to cause us to over think and worry about. When we are already in an emotional depressive state we spiral on every thought.

That is how I was with JW for since I got this way. Everything he he did I was looking at it under a microscope and digging through it with a fine tooth comb because he don’t really want this. He don’t want me look at the mess I am. Look at all the baggage I come with, mental the depression, the abuse I have been through and trying to work through. My situation at home oh and 4 kids why would he want us? He can be free to do whatever whenever and he could find someone who could as well?

Even though I am thinking this and holding on to his ever word and action to prove it something wasn’t right. Something was wrong as I replayed it all over and over. It hit me, even though I was thinking it and my mind was trying to convince me and trying to prove it. I didn’t feel it, I did not feel that way at all. When I really stopped and took everything in I felt a calm peaceful everything was okay.

But when I thought about telling the kids, the future and our lives I felt sick. I felt my anxiety on high, and just couldn’t do anything. The other night I was sitting here messaging with sleeping Beauty about it.

He said he didn’t think I was ready to tell the kids or move in together. That I needed to really do some hard thinking about things before I made any big decisions.

We talked a little more and I was thinking about what he was saying. It was like he flipped that switch the light came on. It wasn’t him I was worried about it is me. I am worried about doing something to mess things up and he is going to leave. Not because he don’t really want this or us. But because I pushed him away. I put my wall up and keep him at arms length. Or I do look at everything he does under that microscope when he really isn’t doing anything. He gets tired of it. I couldn’t blame him.

So the last few day’s I have been trying to back-up give him some space and myself some. To just kind of deal with this and work through it. It isn’t going to happen overnight. But now I know what’s wrong I can move forward with things and seeing everything is okay hopefully will help to work through it.

{November 10, 2018}   Raising Hell Again

She has been at it again. I work up Thursday with her arguing with Big Boy. Then come in my room yelling at me that I better do something with him how he talks to her and blah, blah on and on. I just told her not to come in there and start with me and start yelling at me and she got all mad she wasn’t yelling him this and that. I said you started on him, your minding his business and yelling at him. No I’m not she screams, that she is going to call the police because of him yelling at her and slamming doors. I said there is nothing they are going to do. Yes there is he can’t just do that you need to teach him better. I said it’s funny your the only one he dose it with. Because you don’t make him do anything I am the only one that does. I said I don’t have to make him do anything I tell him and he does it or better yet I ask him then if he don’t I tell him. I don’t scream yell, and tell him what he better do and that he better do it right now this way and stand over him why he does it. I said you have no reason to be telling him to do anything or to be yelling at him and doing what you are doing and if you were at anyone else house you wouldn’t be with their kids either you aren’t here and if you do and he talks to you that way that is on you. You have no say. Then she starts about when she calls the police they will make me do something with him blah blah bullshit. I said whatever your crazy and you may just get to see who see’s what if you want to do that and try to cause problems here. I already told you I will bring down anyone and everyone if you even try to start shit for me. I am not worried because I know I have done nothing wrong and there is nothing anyone is going to do or say because there is nothing wrong. But I know that the rest can’t say that.

I get home after working both jobs and go to bed, with in hours I am woke up with her raising hell with my oldest. All over one of them cleaned up from the dog being sick hours earlier then they went out just then and put the clothes in the drier out of the washer. Mind  you they had washed probably a million times since they cleaned it up they used paper towels, they have been to the bathroom so had to wash their hands eaten dinner washed their hands before and after so their hands were more than clean. It had been HOURS. But she is freaking out they need put back in the washer and rinsed. What good is rinsing them going to do if they have something on them from when they did this I do not know. If they are dirty from this like you say then I would think they would need to be rewashed to get them cleaned. But she is raising hell she had better go take them out put them in the washer and rinse them right this minute. Again I tell her they are fine they don’t need done to leave her alone and stop raising hell in my house. She starts about how dirty it is and how she don’t want to catch something from what they just did because she has to wash her clothes out there too. How she has this horrible infection on her face now and can’t get rid of it. Looks like pimples to me and it comes and goes like pimples and it is so horrible she has never once tried to go to the doctor about it to see what it is. If it is something so horrible and she caught it from drying her clothes in the drier, touching things in the house or just being in the house like she says then why hasn’t some of the rest of us caught it? We are so filthy and dirty like she say, and how did she catch it when she washes her hands for 20 minutes every time she touches something? We wash like normal people and we are not sick and don’t have anything wrong.

Last night she starts about eating she hasn’t eaten in days hardly. I don’t know how many days it has been but it is not my problem. She is a grown adult with a truck and knows other people besides me to do for her. I have been in and out of the house every day and to the store about everyday and she always says she don’t want anything or makes and excuse. Don’t know what it was the other night she didn’t get anything. Then last night she ask me to stop on my way home and get her something from the chicken place. This after I told her I was not going to go to the store for her anymore at all in the middle of the night when I was woke up because of her raising hell over the washer. I say okay but by the time I get there they are closed. I figure she should know this she sits at home on her computer looking these places up trying to decide what she wants and from where. Then she says well where else is there? I say such and such back across town where I just came from and that is about it that I know of. She says forget it she guess she don’t want anything. I ask if she wants something from there or not I am over there not going back. She won’t even get on the phone that is fine with me but it is aggravating. She tells oldest no tell me forget it she didn’t want anything it has been days now but she don’t know where there is to get as late as it is, something about me going to work and everything. Like I am supposed to be there at her call to get her something. She then waits until she knows I am over the bridges and about home to call me and say something. I told her just that I was already almost home now. She started about me saying something about it being back across town and not wanting to go. I said I also ask what you wanted before I got this far so I could go back then. You ask for stuff from places knowing what time it is and don’t bother to see if they are open or how late they are going to be open no I don’t want to run back and forth across town when you could check and I could go to one place and not backtrack ten times. Well whatever I guess I will go. I said okay bye and hung up. I was not going back across two towns to get her food and coming back again at that point. I picked oldest up to go to the store ask if she wanted something from there. They have cold subs and things if your hungry you will get something. but she can’t eat them they had a recall on something that is on them them months ago so they are contaminated. She can’t cook in the microwave because it is contaminated even though it has been bleached out a zillion times. The kitchen has been bleached down I don’t know how many times but it isn’t fit for her to cook in. Then I guess she will be hungry. It isn’t good enough for her because it isn’t bleached down every night. We cook we eat we use our kitchen we wipe it down every night to get the stuff up. Sometimes oldest don’t and I have to get her to when I get home but it isn’t like it is so dirty you can’t cook in it.

I got home talked with the kids a bit and went to bed. In a little while I hear her in there telling oldest something. Then I hear her say if I pass out and don’t come to before someone gets here to help tell them I haven’t been able to eat for days now or hardly eat in days my sugar levels are probably rock bottom low that is what is wrong with me. Something about drinking a soda or something to help keep it up there some. She was just like oh okay she stomped off went back to the bedroom. I didn’t say anything or even go out there. I’m not playing her game. I do not care if she sits there and don’t eat for a month if she gets sick and has to call them to come and get her and she can tell them all she wants that she hasn’t eaten. They are going to look at her and go is that your truck out there? Is that your phone? Have they been to the store and could of picked you something up? You are able to get up walk around. You could of gotten in your truck and went to get something, you could of called one of your other kids to come bring you something or to take you to get something. You really feel that you are being mistreated you could of called us before now. Just to much that she can try to say what she wants and try to get something started anyway she can there are to many holes in her her tries it is laughable. Plus every doctor she has been to has commented on her mental state or her mental health and she told me the other day they have in her records before that she denies an eating disorder so whatever she was to try and pull would just re enforce what they already think about her not reflect on me. It will probably help me get her out of my house as well.

I try not to fight with her and just ignore her but when she starts on the kids and things I can’t not say anything. If she don’t eat or whatever it isn’t my problem. But when it comes to them I have to step in at times. We all 5 have talked about it and how she has a mental illness and that unless she gets help for it she is going to be this way. That it is on her not us and that we can’t force her to get help but that we do have to sit back and let her treat us the way she is. Ignore her for the most part but when she gets like she does demanding, yelling and screaming you can’t just give in and do what she wants when there is no reason for it.

It is sad that people walk around this way and there is nothing that you can do to make them get help. But then there is that fine line of how much can you make someone do before it is taking their rights away. But if they are ill like this and not thinking right and living an unhappy life should we not step in? She knows something is wrong but she don’t think this not buying, cooking or eating food in the house is because of whatever is wrong, she don’t think that needing to rinse things because of germs is normal and we are all the one with the problem. She knows everything and all that. So I guess if she wants to live in a bubble and be unhappy the rest of her life she can do it because once she is out of my house I am not going to be around her anyway. I know I have mental health problems but mine don’t affect others I live unhappy and miserable and deal if I don’t or can’t take my meds. If or when it starts affecting others then I do something about it. She just looks at it as everyone else has the problem and she is fine nothing at all wrong with her. But she is the one that no one at all wants to or will help. The one that don’t really have friends and who don’t leave the house or have anything. She just can’t seem to see this. Oh well it is her life she just needs to get out of my house and forget who me and my kids are and leave us alone to live our lives and hope that her other kids step up and help her or she figures out how to do it herself since there is nothing wrong with her and it is everyone else. Guess I better go reset these rooms and get ready for these groups getting ready to come in.


{August 6, 2018}   Ready To Cry

Just got home from work about an hour ago and have done nothing but fight and listen to bitching. Over a bunch of shit that is nothing but her fucking problems. I am so done with my mother being here I am ready to risk being homeless just to get rid of her. I know your not supposed to hate people but i do. I cant stand her, I can’t stand her presents seeing her, talking to her or her being in the same house muchless same room.

She swears she has some mite things in her bed she got from the dog. That the dog was losing its hair when she came here and now they are in her room. It has been almost a year she has been here. The dog would be eaten a live if that was the case because I have never treated them. They would have no hair and everyone would have them biting them. No one does but her. She has been to my sisters and stayed and a friend of hers to stay a while. Both with dogs and one with questionable people staying with them who could have who knows what. No one has seen them but her as well. Yes she has something broke out on her face but I have no idea what it is. No one else has a problem but her.

It make since because she never comes out of her room other than to go to the bathroom, get something from the fridge or put something in the trash or bitch. She refuses to touch the dogs if they are out, the dogs are never in her room or bed ever and no one is ever in there other than oldest when she goes in to go to bed in her bed. They have bunk beds so how she has something in her bed and oldest don’t beats the hell out of me as well. Oldest has no bites no where but she swears she see’s her scratching all night. She says she got them from the washer and drier because the dogs blankets were washed in them. But the dogs have nothing. She swears the drier is broken it not getting hot. And has been for months. It started not working right the other day and is not drying. But now she swears its been that way all along. I just gotten it and it was scolding hot when clothes were taken out. I figure she has done something to it or its gotten lent backed up needs cleaned out. She has been demanding for months I buy a new drier because it isn’t hot enough to kill whatever this made up whatever is when she washes her blankets and sheets.

Friends and others have heard her raising hell when they have been on the phone and stopped by. They all say she has problems and that she needs something. Every doctor she has been to has put in her chart she needs meds for her mental state but she refuses to take them or go see the right person about it. She has nothing wrong with her of course. But then tell you she knows she does but why it is everyone else fault she dont need anything just whatever. But she has been this way all my life everyone can tell you. Even my sisters dad said it is why he left the way she is and does and wont get help. My dad say same thing.

I know I have things I need meds for and I need talk to people about. But even they have said mine is situational if I can get settled where we are not struggling all the time and dealing with the bs from her. I would be okay and function a lot better. I wouldn’t need medication all the time. When things are going good I am great 98% of the time even when things go wrong or something happens. I handle it and keep rolling. Once in awhile I hit a patch a deal with the depression or anxiety but pull myself out pretty quickly and easily. But that right now I have so much to take care of worry about and handle and everything keeps happening we keep just hanging on by a thread that it is no wonder I am the way I am right now.

That is not what they say about her at all. It is not that kind of thing. She is impossible to live with. I am stuck and can not get her out. I do not have the money to file if I go to the owners for help i am going to have to move. I have no money to move on. And she knows all this thinks its funny sits and says she isn’t going no where don’t have to and won’t until she is ready. All the while bitching how bad it is here how horrible i am how dirty it is and on and on. I am so done and over it with her. She keeps talking about all her “health” problems and she could die blah, blah, bullshit its my fault too of course. I just think your not fast enough and okay your point who is supposed to care? What do you want me to say, do, think or feel? Because I don’t. I know I know you all probably think I am the worse person in the world to think or write such a thing. But if you read my blog long enough you know I don’t say that kind of thing about people and that I am the first to help in just about anyway I can whoever it is if I can. But her like father of the year have pushed me to that point that whatever happens to them couldn’t happen fast enough and I wouldn’t think twice about it. They do not care how they made me or my kids feel or how they treated us. I can not waste time caring about them.

I feel so aggervated and hopeless right now that I don’t even want to be here and deal with anything anymore. If she not leaving something happening to get her out of our lives once and for all then let it me so I can be done with her and everything else once and for all.

{May 3, 2018}   Love People

Just seemed fitting after my last post. Love then where they are and watch what happens.

Father of the year calls me on his lunch break and starts telling me how him and my mom were into it last night after he left here. She is telling him he needs to MAKE me keep the house clean, get the kids their shots, and all this other bullshit stuff she has in  her head because she won’t deal with her issues. She told him part of the reason she is the way she is, is because she worries about the kids all the time and how horrible they are living over here and how I don’t take care of them. I don’t take care of them, I am the only one here making sure they eat, have clean clothes, a place to live, go to school, go to the doctor, have the things they need for school, going to the school with them to help when it is needed, I am the one that makes sure they get to do extra stuff not just go to school and come home and sit. She don’t she never has and we all know he is next to never here maybe once or twice every few months for a few hours. He isn’t going to school to help, he isn’t making sure they get there, he isn’t making sure they do their work and talking to the teachers to make sure there is no problems, he don’t bother to find clubs or things for them to do, he can’t even come and take them so they can do them if I can’t, they miss. But I am not taking care of them right because my floors are not mopped every day, my kitchen table is covered up with clutter (we don’t eat at it kids have table in the other room), there are a few dirty dishes in the sink because we had something to eat and they hadn’t been put in the dishwasher yet, I have animals (that are in cages, cages cleaned daily) I have kids toys all over my car port and there is a load or two of dirty clothes waiting to be washed and most times a load or two on one in of the couch that is clean waiting to be folded. Therefor my house is filthy my kids are going to get sick and probably die because they don’t have shots and we all know shots keep us safe from everything (eye roll) This is all the things that are wrong and show that I do not take care of them or care about them. Because of I cared about them they wouldn’t live this way. Oh and I don’t feed them but my cabinets, freezer and fridge all have food in them (remember the dirty dishes, Where did they come from?) my 11 year old is 145 lbs and my 6 year old is 50 lb. no they don’t eat at all.

I am so fucking livid right now it isn’t even funny. She told him because he isn’t going to MAKE me do these things and take the kids to get the shots she feels they should have or make me take them she just needs to “call” someone because we are not taking care of them properly. I told him if she does that I will be making phone calls of my own and that I would not ever speak to her again she would not ever know anything that was going on with us or where we were and that if he told her or took them around her there would be problems. I told him that I am not playing games I am not giving in to her and doing what she wants out of threats and fear. She can’t control and manipulate people. I told him not to bring her back to my house again at all. As of right now if she wants to see them then she can see them when he has them for his weekends. If she don’t want them there for the weekend that is fine then guess she will not see them at all. I told him that if or when they start coming over there they had better not be drilled about how things are at home what gets done when, who does what, or anything else like that, if they are then a stop to them coming over will be made. He said he knew. I said as far as you making me do something or coming over starting or thinking you are going to make me do something or come over here trying to tell me what to do if that happens then you will not come here anymore. If you do you can pull up out front pick kids up for the weekend and take them home for the weekend. If you can not take them home for the weekend then I guess you just won’t be seeing them then. Because like I said before I do not have to let you come over here and hang out like you do to see them and I only have to let you have them see them what the court papers say and if you are not going to do what they say and you don’t come to get them and keep them for the weekend and don’t get to see them because you don’t that is on you. There is nothing you can do about it because I am not keeping you from seeing them you are choosing not to see them by not coming and getting them. He said I know I know I’m not trying to start anything I am just trying to tell you how she is what is going on. I said well I am just tell you before you decide it’s easier to just agree with her on this shit and do what she wants than listen to her I have more say than she ever has or ever will have when it comes to my kids and I will go back to court if it comes to you and her trying to start shit and cause problems when it comes to my kids.

He said there is something really wrong with her one minute she is fine we are talking and the next she is jumping all over me for not doing this or that or what I am doing and I haven’t done anything. One minute she is happy and okay the next she is all upset and freaking out crying or having a fit pissed off. Nothing changed I think she has a personality disorder. I have always thought something was wrong more than just depression or anxiety. It’s just gotten worse as she has gotten older and the other stuff she has dealt with and been through. All my life I just lived with it, put up with it, it was her house and it wasn’t worth fighting over the stupid shit she would start about. It has slowly gotten worse and the worse it gets the more we butt heads now because I am an adult now, I am in my own house taking care of my own family and everything isn’t wrong the wrong way just because it is not her way. I think the biggest thing that has happen is she has no control over anyone or anything anymore. My brother cut her pretty much off they may talk a few times a year see each other once or twice. My sister see’s her and talks to her most out of the three of us but she has always just told her like it is living with her or not. I have always just ignored it and let her ramble most the time until she starts trying to tell me how to do things and what I am doing wrong and how nothing is ever good enough and things. Even then I mostly just say yeah whatever and go on. Now she has gotten so bad about trying to control everything and everyone and over the top with the germ thing that I don’t go over there or talk to her no more than I have to and that is not often at all. She can’t drive, no she can she just won’t so she can’t come over here unless Father of the Year brings her and I just tell her I’m not going to be home or whatever and avid it as much as I can. I think that the fact she has no control over anyone and can not make anyone do what she wants anymore has really just made this much worse. I try not get into it with her but at the same time I am not going to let her come in and do what she wants. I am not going to sit and agree with her when she is wrong I am not going to go along with her just to make her happy. And she knows there is something wrong this isn’t right but will not get help or she will say I don’t know what is wrong with me or why I am like this but won’t get help. That is mostly over the germ thing the control thing she see’s nothing at all wrong with it she is in the right and there is not changing her mind about that one. I can’t be pulled into it all and deal with it all no more than I have to. And if she starts or say to much more I will cut her out be done for good. I hate to be that way but I don’t know what else to do with her. The only way I can make her get help is if she is a threat to herself or others and right now she isn’t. But I think if she ever says anything again I will do whatever it is that needs to be done to get her somewhere and evaluated. But she will lie to them too I figure and they still won’t get anywhere with her. So that will probably be a waste of time as well. But maybe we will see.

It drives me crazy because Father of the year says you don’t know you can’t not agree with her and it is okay to agree with her that isn’t doing anything. She tells me when I tell her the things she is saying, doing, and the way she is acting isn’t right, you just don’t know and you don’t know anything about getting help and what they can or can’t do for you and there is nothing wrong with me. I’m like no I have no clue because this kind of thing isn’t what I have been studying for the last year in school. Crisis intervention, psychology, abnormal psychology, and developmental psychology teaches nothing at all about any of this. And the things your doing, saying and the way your acting in no way relates to any of these subjects. Your right I couldn’t possibly know what I am talking about. Then she just gets pissed off and tries to explain how it is all someone else fault or she is this way because of this or that happening and if this or that would happen she would be better. I tell her no because that was taken care of then it was this that was the problem that was taken care of it was something else, every time something is taken care of it is something else. No it’s not that isn’t how it is at all ya’ll are just trying to make it seem that way. I said then what about all these different times and all these different things that have been problems? Again she is pissed off she has to go her phone is dying or she has to get this or that done or she has to leave. It is just so frustrating because we have been doing this for two years now and if she just go get help then it wouldn’t be this way. She would be much happier to and not so upset and things all the time. I want to have normal family holidays not dread it for weeks before it happens because I have to go see her and see what drama is going to start next.

I can not make her do anything I know this and leave her alone but she will not leave me alone. If she calls anyone or has anyone called or starts shit between me and Father of the Year over the kids it is going to get ugly really quickly.

{March 20, 2017}   Don’t Have To Live With Her

Father of the year showed up like he told the kids he was going to do. I was shocked because I really didn’t think he was going to show. Me and the kids got up and went to church this morning then went to lunch and stopped at the craft store after lunch. We just went in to look around get out of the house a little longer before I had to come home and get my school stuff done. We weren’t in the store very long at all and my Big Boy said he felt like he was going to be sick and his right side hurt. I ask him if he wanted to sit in the truck a few minutes while I looked at a couple things quick and we would go. He wanted my oldest to come with him but she wanted to look too. My Big Guy said would go but Big Boy wasn’t up for that he said he would be okay for a little bit while we looked. Well in just a minute he was feeling really sick so we left and came home. Not long after that Father of the year called and said he was coming to see the kids. I told him he better bring me the money he owed me if he was coming or not to bother coming and not to give me no excuses. He said okay.

He showed up and brought the money. uI thought it was pretty petty I asked him to bring a two litter bottle of coke when he came since he had to stop at the store and he said okay. When he got here he handed me the money he was supposed to bring me and a handful of change. I ask what that was? He told me it was the change from the two litter he bought at the store. I thought really you come over here drink whatever you want and eat at least one meal with the kids when you are here but you couldn’t even buy a bottle of coke? It may not have thought anything of it but he made it a point to tell me they charged him twice for it and he had to get them to take it off the second time. I ask how he said he paid for it then paid for the stuff he got and they added it to the stuff he got after he already paid. So not like he was just getting that and took it out of my money he had it in his hand from getting it. He held the line up to do two transactions to make sure he didn’t have to pay for it. I said something about it and he was like oh you wanted me to pay for it? I guess I can give it back to you if you want it. I said nope I don’t want it back I’m really not that petty, just thought it was interesting you hardly ever pay when your supposed to so much behind and you eat and drink here all the time but you made it a point to pay twice instead of just buying it and going on. Well this that and the other like all the time he is broke blah blah. I said I don’t care whatever was just saying. I do it all the time if I am picking something like that up for someone I just get it if it is only a couple dollars and just give it to them or if they ask me to bring something on my way.

He hung out with the kids and helped them with aI few of their chores and played with the guinea pigs with them. I had him move the furniture around in the living room and put the rugs down. Then he started talking about my mom and how bad she is and how he can’t stand it and he is ready to leave and no one helping her or doing anything for her it’s left to him.

I told him that no one can help her if she don’t want to go get help herself. That him agreeing with her about everything is just enabling her and making it worse not better and that no matter what me and my sister say to her as long as he agrees that it will never matter. He said I didn’t need someone coming over there and starting about all that she is doing either and you all don’t have to live with her if you don’t agree with her she gets all mad and has a fit and…..I said well your going to have to keep living with her because you keep agreeing with her so she thinks what she is saying and doing is fine. Not my problem not anyone else. I am ready to sleep in my truck and forget it but then she will be homeless and that will be my fault.

I told him no then she will have to come live with me or my sister and it will be me because my sister and her husband will not let her come there because of the way she is. I told him she won’t come here or last here long because she is scared to be here by herself even in the daytime she already told me. Well I am not going to never be able to walk out of my house without her day and night and do anything with out her because she don’t want to be here alone. There is no reason not to stay here alone me and 4 kids do day and not every day sometimes with no one coming over or us going anywhere for days we are fine. Plus my cleaning isn’t up to her standards, she can’t hardly clean and do things anymore because of her back and knees. So then she is going to expect that me or the kids are going to drop everything and clean everything all the time to her standards every day and that is not going to happen. Nor is she going to come in here and take over and say what goes or don’t go or anything of the sort or are we going to get rid of the dog because she is scared of it to be out of the cage if she is here it isn’t staying in the cage. Like I told him she comes here I am going to tell her like it is I am not going to agree with her about everything and clean my house top to bottom every day to meet her inspection or whatever. I will tell her she is living in my house this is how it is she can have x space room or whatever she is free to clean it whenever and how ever she wants and do it every day if she wants but no one will be doing it for her or doing the rest of the house that way. These are my friends they will be coming over they will be going places with me. She has a problem with that too. If she decides not to stay that is fine I have no problem what so ever with her not staying here and leaving. If she decides to be homeless or whatever because of it then that is fine. This is my house it is ran the way I want it, it is clean and taken care of it is cluttered not dirty big difference. If she don’t want to live in it the way it is and would rather leave that is fine. That is her choice to make.

He says she is sick she needs help. Yes she is but she don’t get help when she does go somewhere and they give her something she will not take it and have every excuse in the book not to take it. She already has and they haven’t even given her anything yet. Like I told him it is just like addiction, I am not going to go let someone on drugs live me and rule my house say how things go. I am not going to go to their house and clean it when it is spotless just because what they think is wrong or happen. They decide to be that way they decide not to go get help getting off of them then I am not going to be there helping them do them along the way. Because even lending them money for rent or bills is basically buying their drugs for them because that is letting them have their money free to do just that. Just like agreeing with her is telling her what she is doing is ok and normal and that what me and my sister say is wrong and we are stupid and don’t know nothing like she says and implies all the time. No one knows anything but her and then him agreeing with her makes her worse. He finally got pissed off and left, I don’t really care who gets pissed off he can, she can or my sister but the truth is the truth and if the truth hurts then figure out why and fix it. I know my sister isn’t going to get mad because she was the one over there telling her the other night about how she is doing and calling me pissed off because he sat their and agreed with her instead of saying yeah everyone is right she needs help.

Like her coffee table is wood and finished she wiped it with bleach or something and now it is kind of sticky to the touch she says. Therefor if you touch it you now have the finish on your hands and if it gets in your mouth you are sure to get deathly ill or die from it. I do not feel anything sticky and do not think her worry over it is anything to even think twice about. Even if it was sticky I would not think twice about touching it or sitting something on it. The kids are not allowed to touch it nothing can be sat on it, if it is it is now contaminated and needs washed a millon times or thrown away. My nephew is 2 she expects him to sit on my sisters lap and not touch it or anything else because there is some reason and not get down and run around why he is there if it is 5 minutes or an hour. If he does then my sister can’t control him is the problem and she needs to make him listen. I am telling you this table is not an issue for anyone but her. I would not be afraid to go over there and lick every square inch of the top. ( I know your welcome for the visual, but I am just pissed and trying to get my point across to him) Because I don’t think anything would happen. I could understand if he picked the bottle of stain to finish it up and drink some of it but he ins’t and I do not think it is going to hurt him or anyone else for that matter unless they did something like that. When my sister brought it up and said something about it the other night my mom said he knows he can tell you and he said yes or he didn’t know maybe it could hurt him if he touched it. I said do you really think that him touching that table is going to hurt him or cause a problem? He said no I think it is fine but I don’t know for sure. I said would you touch it and worry? Would you even think twice about it if you touched it and it hadn’t been made such a big deal by her? Would you think you need to rush and wash your hands a 100 x any other time. He said no. I said ok then saying I don’t think it will or I don’t know it might is just the same as agreeing with her. If it is something you would never think twice about and know that 99.99999% of the rest of the world wouldn’t think twice about then saying other wise you are agreeing with her. When I said this and about the drug addict thing is when he got pissed off and left. I also told him that people die every day of the most bazaar once in a life time kind of things but just because it happen to one person 20 years ago and 5,000,000,000 people have used whatever before and since and it didn’t happen don’t mean that your going to be that one in that it is going to happen to. If you talk to my mom everyone is that one in a 100 that anything bad that could go wrong or happen to them it will. Then she wonders why no one comes around and no one wants to talk to her or help her with anything. Hum I wonder why?

He just keeps saying you don’t have to live with her she gets mad goes off on me blah blah. Telling me what rooms he is and isn’t allowed to use in the house and how he isn’t allowed to sit on her new couch that she is getting tomorrow. He isn’t allowed to cook or use the kitchen because he is dirty the way he does things because he don’t do just what she wants and how. I said see that would not fly I am living there paying rent and bills I do what I wanted and tell her if she don’t like it then I can leave I am not paying to live somewhere and not be able to live there and use the place. He can’t wash his clothes in her washer he has to take them to the laundry mat and pay to wash but still pays the water bill too. But whatever she says goes because he is a push over and will not stand up for his self. Not my problem she my mom I love her but I do not have to be pulled into her mental illness that she refuses to do anything about knowing that it isn’t right and how she is but still does nothing.

{November 20, 2016}   Bipolar

I am starting to think that I maybe Bipolar and when my friend stayed with me the couple days she ask if the counselor had said anything about it. I had kind of thought maybe I was for a little while now and after learning more about depression, anxiety, mood disorders and the likes.

I notice I will be fine one minute and then pissed off the next. Not just mad but ready to fight mad. Sometimes over simple little things other times over bigger things. I wonder sometimes why am I so mad about whatever it is because it didn’t bother me that much before, it isn’t that big of a deal or it isn’t a surprise it was expected.

I kind of felt bad tonight me and my Big Girl went to the store for laundry soap. I had coupons for those pod things buy one get one. I am low on funds so I figured I would give them a try. I could only use one coupon so I gave her one to use as well and some cash to pay with. We go to the counter I paid for mine and they rung hers up. She didn’t have the coupon, I was so mad I ask her where she lost it what she did with it and she swear she never had it I never gave it to her. I swear I seen her walking around with it and with it in the truck. I had to put the stuff back because I didn’t want to pay twice as much for it. We got home I found an extra coupon we had and went back to the store. Tonight I find the other coupon laying on my table with my stuff I don’t know if I laid it down there and really didn’t give it to her, if I had her holding the one I was going to use and just thought I gave her the other one or what. But how mad and how fast I got that way I felt bad for later and even worse when I found the coupon laying here.

The other night we were all laughing and carrying on despite getting broke down and it being so late and having to go to the store and do dinner. As soon as my friend text and said she had been to my house after I told her to wait and they had gotten the stuff I was so mad I wanted to fight. When they got back I was wanting her to say something and start just to let her have it and tell her what I thought and how I felt about it all and the way she does. When they finally left it took me a little bit to finally calm down and get back to laughing and carrying on with the rest of them. Then when she called me a few hours later and wanted to know if I was mad and why and saying she didn’t understand why I was instant ready to fight again, she knew I was mad when she was here and she knew I was on the phone when she called to ask and didn’t say anything and then hung up. I felt like she knew I was pissed when she was here and didn’t say anything and then called later to just start again and piss me off again.

Before I would just blow it off, let it slide, not say anything to keep the peace and not fight. Now it is first thing I jump to is fight. It don’t have to be a knock down drag out fight but even just a heated argument. Although if it turned into a knock down drag out fight that wouldn’t bother me any either and I have never been that way. It took a lot to get my to the point I was ready to physically fight. Not now more I rather just go out at.

My friend says that is how she is when she isn’t on her medications. Someone does something simple she is the same way. She said she thinks they need to add another medication to what I am taking. The therapist did say she wanted to work on stabilizing my moods a little more. I am not sure what all she meant by that.

I am thinking that if it don’t work itself out in the next few weeks on this medication I may ask them about it. I have been on this one for about two weeks. I missed my pill last night but took it a about an hour ago. I am starting to feel it and feel tired right now. I really want to go to church in the morning but I don’t know if I really have gas and money to run all the way up there. It is supposed to be super cold tomorrow and my Little Guy went to bed super early and said he didn’t feel good after only eating a little bite. I am going to try and call them and see what they say and see what I can do to help them.

{January 8, 2014}   So Much Respect For

People who work in the medical field especially the RN’s, CNA’s, Tech’s and caregivers. The people who have the most hands on with the patients. It has been on my mind the last few days. They are jobs I couldn’t do.

My grandma is living with us she just came back my birthday. She hasn’t taken her meds since the first week of November or so and it is starting to really show. She of course thinks she don’t need it so she won’t take it. It has been very stressful. She thinks everyone is out to get her, they are trying to do stuff to her, watching her following her. She accuses us all of not wanting her here and doing stuff. She says it is all gang related. The other day she started on ex yelled at him that she closed her vent in her room. She swears that something is coming out of it and burning her skin. Other people sleep in the same room and under the same vent they are fine and there is nothing on her skin. But implied he open it over her bed and put something in it to burn her skin. Thats why she yelled it at him. She was accusing me of I don’t even remember what now she has a few times the last few days. All the while the kids are all sitting right there why this is all going on. It is driving me crazy. I don’t even want to be here and around her. She has been this way for a few years now. I have hardly went around her. They keep telling me how she is doing and how she is coming up with something this one or that one done all the time how she didn’t want no one to come over I just stayed away. I know she is sick and she needs the meds but I still can’t handle dealing with her when she won’t take them. Last night she was yelling and going on about something and just wouldn’t stop. My mom finally told her to hush and go to bed. She went up and laid down. If she hadn’t she wouldn’t have stopped she would have kept on.

She has od’d twice and threatening to leave now. We took all her meds the ones she takes she has to ask for and we give them to her when she needs them. It is such a mess. I think it is worse because my mom tries to tell her that what she is saying isn’t true and how it is and it becomes a argument. I just ignore her and let her ramble say what she wants and go on. The second time she od d they put her up there for a couple weeks or more. She keeps telling her that if she don’t take her meds like she is supposed to they are going to have to put her back in there.  Know arguing with her isn’t going to get anywhere rather she is right or wrong she thinks it is true and your aren’t going to change her mind. We are trying to see what we can do to make her take it but I know there really isn’t anything you can do if they don’t want to take it you can’t make her.

When she was at my house and taking it she was doing so good. She would play with the baby get on the floor and sit with her pick her up and do stuff with her for her. Now she don’t want to touch her afraid someone is going to say she hurt her or gave her something. she won’t hug or touch the other kids or play with them. She comes down stairs sits on this one kitchen chair and sits there all day. Have to tell  her to go eat and things. I go out of here right by or to the store everyday. She can get in the truck and go anytime she wants to or tell me what she wants and have me pick it up. I ask her everytime before I leave if she wants something or if she needs anything. Ask her every day what she wants for breakfast what she would like to have for dinner or any ideas for dinner. She says no no no or she don’t know or don’t care. Then telling us the other day she needs fruit and veggies and things to eat once in a while. Number one I make a veggie with dinner every night. There was fruit on the table and fruit in the fridge and there is stuff here to make two or three big saldes with all kinds of fresh veggies that she can eat anytime she wants. But then acts like we don’t keep food here or that what we do have she can’t eat because of this or that. She can cook she was cooking for everyone the last few months when she was at her house. So she could make herself something else if she didn’t like what we were having or if she told someone we could through it on cook it why we cooked everything else for everyone.

I hope she decides to start taking her meds again like she is supposed to here soon. If not I hope we find someone to talk to her and see if they can do something with her. Once she gets on the meds she will take it everyday and won’t argue with you if you give it to her and tell her to take it since she has to be given all her meds. She says she isn’t going to take meds the rest of her life. But she takes blood pressure pills and aspirin everyday. If she takes this one it will let her feel better and help her function not just sit around scared there is stuff wrong with her and that everyone is out to get her. My mom even told her how lucky she was that she could just take that pill and be happy how others can’t even take a pill and be ok they won’t ever be ok because they are just to far gone. She just looks at us. I don’t know please just pray something turns around soon. between that and the clicking and sounds my son is making all the time I feel so stressed. I know he is very stressed or he wouldn’t be making the sounds so loud and so much. he would be able to control it better when he isn’t.

et cetera
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