{September 10, 2019}   Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Everyday I get into my car since running around with the kids over the weekend all I can think is, this is why we can’t have nice things.

There is tea spilled in my floor and lemon aid in my passenger seat. It smells like sour tea and my jacket needs washed. It isn’t as simple of cleaning the floor and the seat because the seat has a ton of things in it. Well I maybe exaggerating a little, but it seems like it. Seeing as my box of change is dumped in the floor from where something was spilled in it before. The best I could tell it was a bottle of water that was left in there and the lid came off. The bottom of the box got wet and the bottom fell out of it so it is now everywhere. On top of all the other things that they have left down there.

Don’t get me wrong they are great kids they really are, they could be doing so much worse at their ages. None of it was done on purpose. We went to the burger place to eat and they gave everyone to go cups. Mine was sat in the cup holder that had something in it so it didn’t sit like it should of. I thought the cut was one of the kids and they had picked it up when we got back in the car. I guess they didn’t and when we got where we were going I asked for my drink and figured out it was mine that they stuck there and it was now in the floor spilled everywhere.

Then we went inside and since we don’t have that many cup holders Mr. 13 sat his cup in the seat when he got out. Once we came back his seat was soaked. This I found he had split the bottom of his cup some how and it had leaked why we were in the two stores all over the seat. Since the car is so small there was no where else for him to ride, he needed something to sit on. You guessed it that is where my jacket came into play. He folded it up and sat on it. I forgot to  get it inside and toss it in the wash that night with my work things. I don’t get home early enough to do any when I get off. I grabbed a sweat shirt and just noticed it has something on it once I put it on at work. I guess it is stained it don’t normally wear it but around the house to bed or when it is cool. I cook and clean in it. Who knows what I got on it. It is almost 15 years old now that I think about it. I got this when we left for a hurricane when my oldest was less than a year old.

But I can’t help but think this is why we can’t have nice things when I get in the car. I keep having the thought of keeping my truck to run around in and to go to and from work in. Then use the car when me and the kids go places on the weekend and things. Instead of letting them mess it up too. But I got the truck because it is nice and would be a nice, decent, good lasting vehicle for us all. Isn’t that what we get things for or nice things for to use and enjoy? Isn’t that what happens to things when you use them and enjoy them, they get used, damaged, wore out or messed up? That is why we have to replace things after so long right?

{August 26, 2018}   A Throw Everything Out Mood

I have been fighting the erge to rip through my house and get rid of everything and move things around. I don’t know why because I have been sick for days now. But I wanted to before I felt sick too. I guess the clutter is finally getting to me and the fact I am praying she will be out in just over a month and we can have our lives back. I figure I can get a start on getting things the way I want them instead of waiting. And that things are about to change for her if she dont get out soon. But she is one way or another because I will file if she is not out in the next month to two months.

I just want our lives back to normal. My bff says gather a bag of stuff every day to get rid off start working on it until she leaves. But it isn’t how I do things. I just want to go in open the house up and toss everything out all at once and be done. I feel like I am getting somewhere and got something done. Where as one bag or two a day feels like I am getting no where and it is taking forever.

I have to get somethings in my room done because I need to get everyones junk out of my room. It is taking over. I guess we will go from there I will decide what I am going to do from there.

{December 26, 2017}   Sleeping Beauty Is Gone

A lot has happened the last 3 weeks I guess going on 4 weeks now. When he first came here he was not doing good at all, he had not been taking his medication for his sugar problems and it was starting to effect him. I think it was the night he came and stayed he told me he had not taken them or eaten anything hardly in days. He had dinner with us and then I took him back to his house to get them. He told me no he wasn’t worried about it and I went anyway and he got them and took them. We went to the beach after that and he said something about it. I said just to get out for a little bit let the kids go to bed. We went over the walk and down to the beach and walked a little bit down the way, he said we are stopping here tonight we are not walking that far down there. He stopped and sat down. The other nights we had walked way the hell down the beach, when we figured out about where we were and where we started we had walked at least a mile or more down the beach. That night we didn’t go out of site of the walk where we had come down at. I was okay with that, I just wanted to relax for a little bit. A few times sitting there he said something about not feeling good and things. I asked him if he wanted me to take him home he said no. In a little bit he said we needed to go or something like that. I ask what he said he said we need to go lets go do you think the kids will be in bed at your house? Could we go back there? I said yes and we left, I could tell he really wasn’t doing good at all at that point and may end up in the emergency room, I figured I better bring him home instead of dropping him off. If I dropped him off he go in go to his room say nothing go to bed and no one would know if something happen until it was to late maybe. Even if he did say something they probably would’t take him to the er and he would’t call anyone or get a way. He was depressed and going through all the crap with work and things as well.

He started taking his medication everyday and was doing a lot better that first week he ended up staying here. He wasn’t working and I wasn’t either we took care of things here and picked up a few cars to get a little money. I could tell by the end of the week he was starting to calm down a lot and starting to smile and joke around more. He just seemed relaxed and like a weight had been moved. The following Monday he went to work at a car lot that he use to work at before. I just didn’t feel it was a good idea but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know anything about it or anything like that and I know he wanted to get back to work and needed the money. He had no money for anything not even to pay me. Well then He told me about working there for 9 years and things like that. I knew then that I was right this was not a place he needed to be or should be at all. I still didn’t say anything. He stayed out late a few different nights and come Saturday his first payday last Saturday the guys wanted him to go out with them. I didn’t say anything it wasn’t my business what he wanted to do that was fine. He came home bought clothes and things paid me and left about 9. We didn’t see or hear from him again until lunch time Sunday. I was out shopping with a friend and lunch. We just sat down to eat and he text saying he was on his way home. I said okay and left it at that. He said he was walking from the street up here in front of the are I live 6 or 7 blocks or more away. I didn’t say anything. I figured he was waiting for me to ask him if he wanted a ride I didn’t. He got to the house and said something about being home then text me and ask if he could take a nap in my bed. The kids were all here and up. I told him yes I be home in a few hours or so. I got home he was passed out. I did something around the house and then me and oldest went in the bedroom and folded clothes and things and he never woke up. We decided to put the tree up after dinner so I made dinner and he was still sleeping. I came in and woke him up and ask if he was getting up and told him I needed him to help me. He open his eyes and looked around funny. It was pretty much dark in the room it was 7 or close to it. I said it is such and such time it’s dark already he was surprised. He got up ate, helped get the stuff out of the attic, helped me put strings on the decorations so the kids cold hang them and then him and the kids made gingerbread houses why I went to storage or somewhere with a friend to put stuff in there and see what all I had and needed to get.

Well from like that night on his phone started blowing up again all the time all the time someone texting or messaging him. I thought it was funny because when we were out a few times it did and for a day or two after he started staying here it did then it stopped hardly ever did it go off. I knew why I didn’t say anything but was glad it wasn’t and he seemed happier and doing better. But then when it started I wasn’t happy and it just made me feel more uneasy about the job. Monday I was supposed to work and then was told not to. I took him to work and came home. We were texting and he said I could clean out the back room that was supposed to be his. I told him that wouldn’t make me money. He said he knew but he needed it. I told him I knew but I needed help a lot to be moved I could’t do on my own and it would take more than a day. He came home about normal time that day I picked him up.

That night my friend came over and picked me up to go to the store with her. I did’t want to go and she told me I had to go with her she wasn’t going to be long just go with her please. I said fine but come pick me up I don’t feel like driving and I was hoping she wouldn’t because I wanted to talk to him but she did. I wanted to talk to him for a little bit and had plan to Saturday until he told me he was going out. She came over and she came in we all joked around and talked for a little bit and we left. As soon as we got outside she told me she had to tell me something. I told her no I didn’t want to hear it whatever it was to keep it to herself. Because the guys had told her something the week before I think just trying to start shit and we found out it was a lie. I said I don’t want to know if it is bad news I really don’t want to know. I could tell by the way she said it it wasn’t going to be good. I figured it was just the guys starting shit again or trying to. She said no I have to tell you this just get in the truck.

I got in and she started telling me where he had been the night he went out. Then she told me he got something from this guy and only gave him half the money and the guy was looking for him and was going to come to my house this weekend if he didn’t get his money. I said that would explain why his phone is blowing up or part of it. I still didn’t know if I wanted to believe it or not but had to figure out if it was true or what because I couldn’t have people coming to my house looking for him. I said I am not going to say anything I am going to go to the office tomorrow first thing meet me there. If the guys are saying this then they need to show me proof. I went to the office first thing after I dropped my little one off at school and the guys were in there and she was there already. I told her to be there so no one could turn anything around and say I said this or that or started asking questions or talking shit. The one guy his old roommate started talking to me I said do you have the text show them to me I want to see them. He said he didn’t but wait a minute. He picked the phone up and done something and in a minute it started going off. He turned it around and showed me. He text and ask when he was going to have the guys money told him he was mad and looking for him. He was saying he have it he would have it. They went back and forth and things he showed me all the text he was sitting here in my house sending him no clue what was going on and that I was sitting there seeing it all. I was not happy. The ex roommate said the guy is pissed he called me looking for him I told him I get a hold of him but that he didn’t live with me anymore and wasn’t really talking to me much. He said the guy said oh we know he is staying over off X street with a girl in this house with this truck. We are going over there Saturday. He told him no not to come here and start that I had kids and things here please just not do that. He told him no he was coming if he didn’t get a hold of him with the money right away. He told him he would pay it just not to come over here. Of course it wasn’t the money it was the fact of the matter that he did him this way and wasn’t answering him and things he was still coming. I do not blame him at all. He kept telling him please not to do it because of the kids. He said if it was just him or him and her would be one thing but she don’t even know what is going on and she has kids there. I said here is the deal get a hold of him tell him to meet me here I will give him the money just don’t bring this to my house I do not want it at my house. I will pay him I will take care of what is in my house and he can still do what he would like to him just not at my house meet him somewhere else, catch him walking or whatever. He said no he was going to take care of it he knew I didn’t have the money to pay it and things. I said no I don’t but I can’t have this going on so just let me talk to him and pay it. I said fine I am going home I will take care of this.

I got home he was about to make breakfast. I waked in he said you look pissed what is wrong? I said nothing I am not mad. I said what is up with you? What have you done or doing? What happen this weekend? But before I said something and he said you look mad he said oh it’s already gotten back to you? I said what? What are you talking about? He said nothing or something. I asked him that he said nothing what are you talking about nothing wrong with me, I’m not doing anything. I said well that isn’t what I heard and now I guess I am supposed to have company or visitors at my door Saturday over whatever you did Sunday. No I don’t know what you are talking about. I said you went and got x paid for half and now avoiding the guy and he is coming here to find you. I don’t tell anyone where you live no one knows where I am. Second I did not get anything from anyone or do anything. I said I seen the text I was at the office when you were texting your ex roommate and he showed them all to me. I said so who are you talking about paying if you don’t owe anyone and you didn’t do anything? He is talking about his wife I owe her money I told him I was bring him money then didn’t I need to save to pay my fee blah blah and I don’t have any now after I went out the other night. I said no he wasn’t talking about his wife and you know it and weren’t either. Yes it was they are mad and starting shit. He got pissed off and went outside. I walked out there he was on the phone. I ask who he was calling he said the roommate. He came in sat on the couch and just sat there, he looked like he was going to cry, wouldn’t look at me wouldn’t say anything, wouldn’t even open his eyes at first. I said so what is going on this needs to be taken care of. I don’t know he is lying he is talking about what I own him. I said fine get him on the phone lets sort this all out once and for all. I called he won’t answer. I said give me his number I will call he will answer he won’t know it is me. I said better yet lets go up there face to face once and for all and get this all taken care of all 4 of us there together at one time figure out whatever one is taking about and who is lying. I got to go to work. I said not until 10 it’s only 830 we have plenty of time. Not because the boss will have his friend come pick me up because if I go up there, there will be a fight. I said no there won’t lets just go. I said something about talk to me just tell me what was going on, he got up and left. Started walking to work. I said what are you doing? Walking I got to get out of here I said I will give you a ride. No I don’t want a ride just let me walk. I left went to go to my friends house were I was supposed to work that day and we were texting he said something about his life being over and everything. I ask where he was because i didn’t see him when I left and he shouldn’t have been that far. I was worried he might do something because he made comments a few times about it when shit was going on. I also could not remember if the stove was turned off or what. I turned around came back to the house and check the stove it was off. He text me said he got picked up by one of the guys from work. Then said he was hungry. I ask if he wanted me to bring him something he said no he be fine. I said okay fine then be that way. He said something about walking, I said you had a ride so I don’t want to hear that. In a little bit he text what would you bring me to eat? I said I don’t know I don’t have time to make anything so something cheap we are broke. He told me what to get him. I said okay I go get it and bring it.

Then he text me says when you get here I don’t want to talk about it so don’t bring it up and start. I said okay and went got what he asked for. there is not where to park I have to pull over on the edge of the road on the road part way. In my big truck it makes it hard for cars coming behind me to get around and things. I didn’t see him buses and things were coming I pulled in the parking lot of the store across the street. In a minute he told me to follow him. I didn’t see him leave or see him when I looked up. He told me where he was I went back there. He came over to the truck and talk to me a little bit. He kept saying don’t look at me that way. Why are you looking at me that way, why are you looking that way. I said I am not looking no way. But I was upset and I wasn’t probably giving him some kind of look but wasn’t trying to. He said look I just had to get out I get mad I just have to walk away and cool down but we can talk later.

My boss at the shop was saying when I was there she can’t go home and say anything to him or tell him she knows because if he gets pissed off he will put his hand on her. I said oh I am not worried about that I think he knows better than to try that with me. They said he has been in trouble for it already a few times. I said oh I know I am not stupid I know. I am nothing special and he could knock the hell out of me or choke me or whatever like he has done in the past from what they say. I don’t know them I don’t know what was going on at the time or why any of it happen. But he also knows that I will fight back anyway I have to or can and that I will not put up with it I will shoot as soon as I get away and get to my gun. He said or did something one day here and I said something or flinched he said something about what is wrong with you I wouldn’t put my hands on you or hit you, something like that. I said nothing I don’t think that you would and do I look like I am worried or scared because it only be one time. He was like I would never I said okay. They all say that I am sure.

A little later when I got to my friends I sent him a message and said look sorry to start your day off shitty but I needed to know what is going on and take care of this. I am not mad I you just need to talk to me let me know what is going on we need to pay it and then figure out from there. I hope you have a better rest of the day. Well then he kept texting me and texting me after telling me he didn’t want to talk about it and things we talked some more about whatever then finally he said i am at work I got to go. I said I just text that one thing you kept on, I didn’t expect and answer back or for you to go on and on, I just said hope your day got better.

That night he came home put on a Christmas move for the kids and done some things with them and by the time they finally went to bed he was still doing stuff and let the oldest stay up later. I finally went to bed. Then Wednesday him and the oldest backed cookies for school half the night. Thursday he worked late and then he came home and laid down went to sleep as soon as he was done doing what he needed to do and the kids went to bed.

Friday Morning rolls around and I took him to work and went to work. Ex roommate walks in and sits down at the other desk. He said hey I’m sorry I didn’t mean to cause a bunch of problems for ya’ll Tuesday, I just had to tell you and let you know what is about to happen at your house and I guess he got pissed off about it. He said he called me told me I was dead to him and all kinds of things he didn’t have a place to stay probably now. I said nope never told him he didn’t have a place to stay he hasn’t even talked to me about it other than to tell me that isn’t what you are talking about, your talking about money he owes you. He said he does but that isnt’ it. I said I know. I said but he still won’t admit it. He said he dose owe my wife $400. I said see he keeps telling me that you owe him $400 you both say the other owes the same. He said no he been paid for that he had gotten that money. I said I don’t know it isn’t my business I just know I hear from both the other owes the same amount of money I wasn’t there it has nothing to do with me I don’t care. I just said it wanting him to hush and go on. Figured it turned on him he go on. Well I guess he couldn’t wait to get out the door to call and tell him I said this or that. I get a text why did I go to him and start about him owing money and he said I came to him and started. I said nope he came in here and he started I said that figuring it would get him to shut up go on. Keep my name and business out of things up there I don’t work there i don’t talk to them blah blah. You should of never said anything. NOw I have to deal with this while i’m at work. I said sorry your right I screwed up I shouldn’t have said anything you ask me not to. I wasn’t thinking dealing with my own shit right now. I said I was going to tell you but after work when i picked you up instead of while you are at work. But I guess just like I said if anything got said it would be I said this or that or done this or that turn it around on me. You told me come keep my mouth shut ignore him and work to get the money until I find something else. Yes go and keep your mouth shut you can’t do that. I said whatever i screwed up but I am owning it and telling you i have always told you anything that was said kept nothing from you and been upfront honest with you but go ahead listen to him over me I went and started with him. Tell boss to pull the cameras you will see where it took place what was said and how it all came up because I have nothing to hide. We stopped talking.

I think it was 20 minutes later I get a text, I still need to come up with $50 by 6 tonight. I said For? Playing stupid because he told me he didn’t own anyone anything didn’t do anything. If he didn’t why dose he need $50. He said to pay that guy. I said okay will you be off when I get off at 5 he said no 6. I figured he could get off when I did go pay it take care of it by 6. I said okay I will be there at 6 he said just drop it at 5 when you get off I need to do this by myself. I said I will be there at 6. He said okay but I have to go do this by myself is that okay. I didn’t answer. Well shit happen I didn’t get there until almost 630. We went to get change he had one of the guys from work waiting. I told him let me go take him get it over I know it was taken care of. No no I need to go do this he is going to take me, I don’t know what is going to happen I don’t want you in the middle of it you did nothing wrong. I said no I am in the middle of it they are talking about coming to my house over it all. I want to make sure it gets taken care of. I told you I am going to take care of it. I don’t want you to see whatever happens. I said I am not worried about what happens. Just let him take me I will be home when I am done. I finally said okay.

I never heard from him until like 5 am told me he was on his way home never showed up. He told me later that evening he was on his way home to get dropped off. He shows up starts packing his stuff and whoever dropped him off turned around to park and came back. I said something. He said he was going to his moms. I knew he had talked about going so not surprised but was that he was going right then. He was still in Fridays work clothes and everything. I said why don’t you let me take you to her house in a little bit? He said she is waiting on me out there now she wants to go to dinner and she is taking me to get my check. I ask him if he was coming back because I am figuring he isn’t at this point. He said yeah I’m coming back. He said I don’t know when I am not sure when I am going to work again or when I am coming back but I will be back. He said earlier or the night before he thought he needed to get away work some things out and clear his head. I said I wish I knew you were going now I was counting on the money you were supposed to give me to get by the next month here. He said I am gong to bring the money I owe you in a little bit. I said no for the next few weeks but I will work it out I know you are giving me that. He looked funny when I said no for the next few weeks. Like he had not thought of that.

He left I have not seen him since. I noticed late Saturday he has me blocked I can’t see his stuff or message him. But I have not been able to message him for a while now something is wrong with it but if it was working I could’t. I figured he blocked me from calling or testing him too but he didn’t. I messaged him that night ask where my money was why he hadn’t come back. Then I said something about him blocking me he never answered any of it. The next morning I called it went to voice mail. In a few minutes I got a text stop calling me. I said I need to talk to you. I don’t want to talk. I ask about the money no answer and things he didn’t answer. I sent him another text.

I said, I did nothing to you but try to help you and let you come here stay, cook, take you to work, whatever you needed make sure you were okay with all that was going on. this is how your going to do me let me and my kids get tossed out because you won’t give me $200 you owe me. I said I have no where to go no where to get the money and no one that helps me or gives me a place to stay. All because I did what I could or thought was right to help you? I said the kids are waiting on you to come by too they have something for you for Christmas. I said oldest was up when I got home late last night and was disappointing, you hadn’t showed back up like you said you were going to. I said the first thing she said to me was he never came back we didn’t get to give him what we got him. I just told her that they could give it to you a different time. He got mad said this is what I am talking about you text so much. I said what that supposed to mean. I said you won’t answer your phone, sit down and talk to me or anything else. will not tell em when you are bringing me money. He said and I told you I am not talking. I ask again about the money. never answered or brings up the money just he isn’t talking how much I text and things.

I was done by this point. I sent him one last text. I didn’t want to piss him off but I also had something to say and I was going to say it and was hoping it make him think and maybe do the right thing. I said

Yes I know avoid everything, instead of talking, that’s really keeping it real being straight upfront isn’t it? Maybe if you would sit and talk be upfront about things you would be surprised instead of just hiding, assuming and leaving.

Because you know what like everyone says your a great person, your funny, fun to be around, great with the kids and a good friend.

I know your dealing with a lot and that when your dealing with depression everything is 2000x harder to deal with. People don’t know they don’t get it. They just see all your fuck ups and think you should just stop doing this or that and everything would be okay. thy are not looking at the bigger problem, what is really wrong. I have dealt with depression most my life. I know how the little things can push you into a down ward spiral that can take forever to pull out of. I know the childish bullshit is not easy to ignore that you know that you it shouldn’t get to you but it does, because all the shit you have dealt with in the past all the shit that has been drilled in your head. Its just one more person doing, saying, thinking, so I know it isn’t true but they are saying it so it must be. All I head from my mom growing up is how I was never good enough, nothing I did was good enough. All I hear from her now is how horrible I am how bad I am then that’s all I heard from my ex for years. Yeah I get it more than you probably know.

Yeah maybe you screwed up last weekend or whatever happened. Why I said lets sit down talk figure it out. You say you don’t want to go back to your old ways, help keep you out of trouble. I was willing to do that, you need that person willing to not judge be there and help. But I can’t do that when you won’t let me, won’t tell me what is going on.

I think you going up there getting away was a good idea, if your mom is willing to help you get things straight. I do not think that job was a good idea at all. I seen a big difference from the time you were here not working and when you went to work over there. just in that little bit of time. But I know you need the job and the money. But I think you would be better off finding something else.

sorry yeah maybe I text to much but since you will not talk I can’t say it to you and I feel it needs to be said. So here it is take it how you will do with it what you want. But some people really are not like the rest some really do care and just try to help. Nothing more nothing less. They just know what it is like being there doing that and just needing that one person like I said. Also know how even though you need them you push them away because you figure if they really knew or they are going to see….and then they will walk away, so it is easier to push them away before they do. I’m not like that I don’t walk away that easy.

You say your coming back I have no idea and assume nothing. If you get things figured out decide to great if you decide not to okay. I just hope that you really do get things on the right track for you so that your happy in your life. Because this shit is misreabe and no way for anyone to live. Your a good person and should be happy in life.

I know things are not perfect here, I know I am not an have not been the best mom, or at keeping up with things here. But I am trying, Thank you for all that you helped with here. For helping me get my self in gear and motivated to make things better here. Thank you for helping me with the kids and getting things back on the right track. Yeah I screw up once in a while or what but I wasn’t trying to go against you.

I sent that and then sent one that said, I will leave you alone but I do need to get with you by Tuesday to gt that money. I have to get my tag it will be dead and get rent paid.

This morning I sent a test saying merry Christmas to everyone and sent it to him. I still have not heard anything from him.

I did find out yesterday as well that as soon as he left here and told me he was going to get his check he went right over to the store and gave the boss $200 for his phone bill. He already had his check. I wasn’t happy about that. He didn’t have money to pay both of us I don’t think. I figure he paid that then went Christmas shopping for his family because he maid a few comments about needing to do that. I don’t know but I need my money like I told him before it is my rent money, gas money, and tag money. All that have to be paid the next few days here. I need pay other things as well and need to figure out how to do that. I wish I knew where his mom lived I would take a ride to her house. I would also tell her everything that has happened. I know he is lying all around and doing shit if he really wants to get away and get straight then he needs to get it all out and do it right. I know he left as well because he don’t want this guy coming to look for him even if he paid it and he knows he has really messed up and like he keeps saying I don’t want you in the middle of things I don’t want you in this I don’t want you dealing with this it has nothing to do with you it’s on me. He don’t want them knowing anything about me or who I am either and he wants them to know or think he isn’t here any more.

I think he was doing really good for a while but I think with all the shit that happen at the shop and then getting over here into this job with old friends all in a mess it was just to easy to fall back into. It is sad because he really is a good person and fun to be around. But I can’t have this stuff around me and my kids. I do not want it brought to my house. If he really wants to straighten out and wants help I am all for helping him. But he is also going to have to understand that things are going to change and he is going to have to tell me a lot more than he has been and he is going to have to show me his phone and things and talk to me. Not just avoid things.

I don’t think he is going to pay me and I don’t think he is going to come back. He left a few things here but nothing important. Like I told him if he does fine if not that is okay I understand why he went and why he went like he is and it is good he did the sooner he gets away from that job the better. but it sucks that he is in such a mind set that he see’s nothing wrong with screwing me. My boss said he gave him $200 and if he don’t pay me he is going to give me the money and tell him if he wants his phone paid he is going to have to bring him more money. That my bills are more important than his phone right now. I just want them out of it. I don’t want them in it at all but I have to pay my stuff and I have no one to help me but them right now. He don’t like we are so close because then I am going to find out the lies. Like they said before he is in over his head and don’t know what to do. But if he just talk to me I could of helped him.

I got to get to bed I have written a book. But I am just blown away by all this. I always seem to pick the winners. I was talking to two or three different new guys and a few I know and stop talking to them to talk to him. For what we didn’t really have a relationship. I wouldn’t call it that. Everyone says he just lied he lied all around about everything. He just looking for this or that. I really don’t think he lied about everything. I think that he was interested or maybe interested why he keeps saying what he does about not wanting me around not wanting me to see and things. But I think he really is nerves or scared because he knows what he has fallen back into and he knows that he can’t do it here. He don’t know what to do. He has said to me a few times he needed to get away and clear his head figure things out work on some things a few times but that he be back or he was going to go ghost for a little bit but he be back. I never said anything about if he was coming back or what about us or anything like it bothered me. I only ask the other night because I needed to know what to expect or what but still didn’t get a answer. I think he wants to or wanted to have a relationship but don’t want to mess it up with all that is going on. who knows.

{January 16, 2017}   Random Thought of The Day

Days like today I look at my three-year-old and am thankful she runs around in nothing but her underwear. She just brought me a bottle of nail polish she got and painted her own nail. As she walks away I see blue paint from where she got into the paint a while back. I know this probably sounds like I do not watch my kid but trust me I do. She is very sneaky and into everything. I went to the bathroom and came out to her handing me the nail polish. She will do whatever she must do to get what she wants. She is very independent and just does what she wants to do when she gets ready to do it. This isn’t a bad thing but she doesn’t understand why she needs to ask or must have help doing things. She knows how to do it so she just does it.

I can’t get mad at her because I am the same way I will not ask someone else or wait for someone else to do something I can do. I just want to get it done and over with not wait for someone else. It’s just with her she gets into messy things and it ends up on her most the time. So for this reason I am glad she runs around in her underwear all the time. It has saved a lot of clothes from being ruined and un able to be wore or sent to be play clothes. At least underwear no one see’s and I can buy a big pack for a few dollars compared to having to buy new outfits.

{January 11, 2017}   Made It Through My Second day

I made it through my second day of my in person class. I got there 15 minutes early and still had to park out across campus from where my class is and walk. I was hoping to get a little closer today. Figured I would brave it and try parking closer. I got to class a little early the door was locked the teacher hadn’t gotten there yet. He did a power point on self awareness. I understood and knew what he was talking about because I have had the other classes and took this one last term. About 4 of the others seemed to understand and get it as well. I don’t know what classes they had before this. I know we were supposed to take psychology before we took it. But over all most of it I understood and had an idea of what it was even before I took this class or the others.

To me it is just kind of common since stuff. Self awareness and biases I thought were kind of self explanatory but I guess not. One of the other people in the class I guess she is maybe in her 40’s probably stopped me after class and ask me if what he was saying made since and if I understood it. The way he went over it was a little off. He is trying to have a class discussion about things and people give examples of different situations we have been in when it comes to things we are talking about or there thoughts, understanding and view of it and people are not really jumping in and doing that. So he is just kind of up there talking and I guess not doing a great job of explaining it so that people understand. He is kind of all over the place as well but he is new at this and trying to figure out what works and trying to like I said make it a group conversation but the group for the most part I guess don’t know what this stuff is so don’t know what to say or to talk about. He isn’t put together and prepared to well it seems. He don’t have handouts of the stuff but says he is going to send links with the power points and maybe have print outs.

The most I really got out of the class was to go home do this assignment, read this chapter and email him with the email we use the most. Other than that it was about 30 minutes of confusing all over the place rambling. If I did not know what this stuff was I would probably be lost sitting in class I’m just trying to figure out what point he is trying to make or where he is going with stuff and then it goes off track to something else. I hope that it gets better, I try to figure out what he is getting at and jump in but when you can’t even figure out what his point is or what he is getting out then you can’t really jump in with input. When he goes from one random thought to another then it just impossible. Like I said he is new at this I think this is the second class he has taught that is it. I can’t even say and pin point one or two things that he needs to fix or do different it is like everything is just off and a jumbled mess. It seems like it is going to be like a train wreck that just happens over and over again for the next 28 classes if something don’t happen and he don’t start getting it together. I can read it and do it figure it out but some of these people are going to have problems when it comes time to take test and things like that because it isn’t gone over enough. Hopefully they will read their book and be able to understand it from there.

{December 17, 2016}   Canceling Christmas

I am so tired of the kids being lazy and not doing their chores. I understand this week we have not been home a lot and busy. But they always complain and always half doing them. They slept in today because there was no school, I didn’t mind I needed sleep too after being up for two days. They got up and watched tv or whatever for a little bit. I then got them all together and told them they needed to get their chores done. I told them they needed to be done by 1pm. It was 10:10. They started about wanting to eat and a drink, nothing new always their go to when they don’t want to do something or have to do chores. I told them we would call it 10:30 chores needed to be done by 1 they had the extra time they could use to clean or eat whatever they wanted but they needed to be done by 1. It is 1:15 and the kitchen is still half picked up the floors have not been mopped. my little one still has stuff everywhere. She just feels she don’t need to pick it up.

I keep telling them we will not put a tree up if this stuff is not done and that we will not do Christmas. They get all mad at me like it is my fault. They have had time to work on them through the week. Maybe not a lot but some time and they have all the time I have given them today. Like I said it isn’t just today this week or what it is all the time everyday. I am just so over it.

I have ran for the last few weeks ragged trying to make sure they have all they need for school and been at the schools for them to see their show drive for their field trip and go with them make food for their parties all while trying to figure out where their Christmas is going to come from if they are going to have a Christmas and everything else. They don’t seem to care about anything but being lazy. They don’t care how the house looks that they made most the mess because they are to lazy to put their stuff away take their dishes to the kitchen, pick their trash up off the table, clean up if they spill something or pick up their rooms. They don’t seem to care what all I am doing or do for them. But then if I don’t do it they get mad or upset. They just act like it is no big deal, mom can kill herself doing for us and making sure everything is great for us but we can’t even have enough respect for mom to not trash the house or to do or chores to help mom out. When she ask we are going to cry and complain.

I just want to leave, pick up my car keys walk out and leave them all here. I don’t know where I would go, what I would do or when I would come back. Because frankly right now I do not want to be around them much less in the same house as them. The don’t give a shit, no respect all that mom does don’t matter attitude just pisses me off to no end. I know they are kids but my older two are old enough to know better and know not to act that way or be that way. My little two may not understand fully but they also know to listen and do what they are asked or told to do and they are just looking for things to do get into and trouble to cause. I feel like putting the tree up and putting the Christmas stuff out but I can’t in their mess. I so want to just cancel Christmas and give them nothing and not let anyone give them anything and pick up all this stuff and throw it away.

I am just so tired of doing and running my self to death and no one thinks twice or cares unless it don’t get done. I never have 5 minutes to do anything for myself or that I want to do or free time. I just feel like calling Father of the Year and telling him he has to come get them and keep them for a week or two since it is Christmas break but I know he won’t or telling him he needs to get a sitter for the time he should have them if he isn’t but he won’t do that either.

I just want a break for a few days I just want someone to do things with and to talk to someone to care about me for a change. I am tired of no one ever doing what they are supposed to or caring and leaving it all to me to do. I am tired of no one doing what they are supposed to do and doing it all and then still having to deal with them and have them in the picture. I am just feeling very aggravated, pissed off and angry today. Anyone around is just making it worse.

{November 13, 2016}   Hostage Negation

I am tired of the kids trashing the house and not caring about things or that someone has to clean it. They all have chores that are basic things like cleaning up after yourself and helping because you live here and it’s what you do. Then they had chores they could get paid money for. They never get past the normal day to day things they need to do to get to the paid ones. They have to do the day to day ones to be able to do the ones they get paid for, and they must do them without being reminded a thousand times, fighting about it or taking forever. This keeps them from just doing the chores to make money and not the others.

They do not care they will leave the day to day chores for weeks if I do not raise my voice and terrify them and even that don’t seem to bother them. They do things like help make dinner and take out the trash but that is about it.

We just cleaned everything off the floors and mopped them Wednesday afternoon and today there is trash, toys and everything else under and around stuff. I am so tired of every time I look around seeing mess every where and the floors needing to be mopped every day. The two older ones no better and I think they are worse than the younger ones. Then they cry about cleaning it up.

Today I am holding all their favorite stuffed animals that they sleep with hostage until they get this house in order, the floors cleaned up and the dogs bathed. If they don’t do it they don’t have their stuffed animal or watch tv. I am still having to stay on them to do it.

I know part of it is because I have been feeling so bad that I have been to lax on them lately. But my older two are old enough to know better and to want to live better than this. They need to set an example for the little two. Even not feeling good and being lax I have not been letting things go. I have still been cleaning and trying to keep up with things. They may have been let go longer between being done but they been being done. Most things get done every few days I been letting things go and just doing them weekly or as needed when we had time. Some of it just seems like no matter how much we work on and do it never ends, like mopping the floors and washing laundry or keeping the kitchen clean.

I feel like I am after them to do the things they are supposed to do that I don’t get other stuff done. If they would just do the things they are supposed to do then we would have time to spend to get the rest caught up and it wouldn’t seem like we never get a break between stuff or it is never done. I get so aggravated with them for not doing the simple things they need to do that I don’t feel like doing anything because why do it if no one cares and is just as happy living in a pig pen? I know I can’t think that way but it is how I feel anymore.

I know it isn’t to much or things they can’t do or shouldn’t be doing. We have talked about it with the therapist and she has even told them all that the things that I ask of them is nothing compared to what some of the kids she see’s are asked to do and that with all I do for them and clubs and things that they are lucky. Most kids do way more than they do in chores and cleaning and don’t do any of the kinds of things they get to do or go the places they get to go. They still don’t care.

They clean a little then come and want to know if they can have their stuff back or not. I keep telling them not until the job is done and that it would take less time if they stop coming to ask for their stuff every few minutes. Now they are running around playing instead of doing it because mom isn’t on their butt and standing over them to make them do it. Mom is doing something else so we should have a free for all through the house instead. Then cry when we can’t have our stuff back. I am going to go find a bag for the vacuum so the floors can be vacuumed and mopped.

And now I guess deal with a “broken” foot that needs a band aid.

et cetera
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