The last week or more I have walked around feeling nothing or dead inside. Knowing things are wrong or not right or even good and just not caring either way and not feeling anything either way. Then all of a sudden Wednesday night yesterday something shifted or swung in another direction and I am all over the place. One minute I’m angry and mad, the next I am in tears feel like everything is spiraling out of control and a mess or that I have dropped the ball and can’t catch it.

I know I am getting things caught up and better off than I was a couple years ago and even a few months ago. But like I said before it don’t get better it just changes. I have the job and money things down and some how making it work I guess.

But now I have the problem with the kids Little Bitty is really having problems with me not being there much. I have never had to leave my kids so much and work so much when my kids were that little. I feel horrible the summer is almost over I haven’t gotten to do anything with them. I have worked. I wanted to take a trip or two when I got this truck and now this shit happen. It is going to cost me more money that i really don’t have with all the work I have missed.

I have to go to the ssi office and deal with them because I haven’t and I know I should of by now. It is just one more thing to do. My to do list is just seems to keep piling up and up. I just don’t feel like it or have to take yet more time off work to take care of it. I haven’t taken myself back to the doctor like I need to, I haven’t gotten other things I need done taken care of. I just don’t know how to find that balance or if I will.

I feel like the closer I get to getting ahead and making things better I just making things worse in other ways. I sit here and think I just want to quit my jobs go home be with my babies. Figure everything out there. Then I tell myself I have to work so that they can have a roof over their head, electric, water, food, you know the basics that no one else cares if they have or not or offers to provide for them or help provide for them. of course that snowballs into thinking about all that and them and how they aren’t doing anything at all but that I am the one catching shit from everyone else because things aren’t up to their standards or because I am working to much and because I am not getting things back on track in the order or how they think I should be or taking care of the kids the way they should be. But no one bats and eye or says a word to the fucking deadbeats that do nothing. How about hunt them down tell them what a horrible parent they are, how they don’t love their kids, or care how they live or what they do or don’t have. How the only one there doing anything for them can’t spend time with them because of the way things are and they are working their ass off to cover it all make it all happen and doing the best they can because they aren’t doing their part or seeing them like they should. instead of just causing problems and making things worse for the one doing it and making them feel bad about everything.

I sit here and wonder why I am doing this, is life worth living? Why is it worth living, what makes it worth living. I know what I have to do, I want to do it but at the same time I just feel like why? Why are we all doing this? Is anyone happy? Is everyone happy and there is just something wrong with me and now I have drug my kids into this miserable unhappy world with me? I Are they going to want anything to do with me when they are older or are they going to leave and not come back around? They say they want to stay with me or live close and always be together and things but do they really mean it? I don’t remember every thinking that I wanted to stay at home or live close to my family or ever feeling close to my family. I never felt loved, don’t remember being happy or feeling happy. I still don’t feel loved, I haven’t felt loved in a very long time. I know the kids do and feel that some of them do. But it’s different everyone knows that. they can’t show or give what I need, in the way it is needed. It isn’t them it they aren’t supposed to. I wonder if they feel anything or if they are walking around like me and just miserable or is it to late have a really failed them or messed them up and are they just dead inside or empty like I have been feeling?

Just writing this I am all over the place up down and unsure of what to think or feel. I plaster on that fake smile and just keep working. There is a driver at my night job that comes in and talks before he goes on his runs or hen he gets back. He was coming in once a week but I hadn’t seen him in a while other than one night when I was leaving and he was. He stopped said hey that was about it. He was driving by as I was getting in the car.

Last night he came in it was his day off he had to talk to them about some time off. His mom has to have a heart thing done. We were sitting and talking and the other guy who works with me at night was on the phone. He said something about him talking in the background, so he said he was going to go outside and smoke, asked if I wanted to come out with him and if I smoked. I told him i didn’t but I walked out and talked to him for a bit. He asked if I wanted to go out grab something to eat and a drink. I told him I couldn’t I had to get home to the kids, I promised my little one I would watch a movie with her when I got home. We all talked some more there in the office until it was time to leave. We all walked out and we were standing there in the parking lot talking. He said well we better go before people start talking.

He keeps asking us if we want to go out after work or if I want to go out after work. He is a nice guy but he’s like 54 or 55 I think. He said his son is going to be 29 and he had him when he was 25. Besides that we work together, I don’t want to go there. Of course find one that is decent and he’s older and works with me. It’s like a cruel joke the world plays. Dangle it just out of reach.

I guess I should get off here, I’m at work, I been here an hour and half an been on here and watching a show. I need to take care of the things that need done here and go take care of this truck and deal with this guy that I really don’t feel like dealing with. I just want it all to go away. Someone twitch your nose, snap their figures and make it all go away or make it all better.

{April 6, 2015}   What A Miserable Easter

Everyone waited until the last minute to decide to plan anything for Easter even though I asked days or even a week before. I even said I would get a ham, beans, sweet potatoes rolls everything for dinner for everyone. I just couldn’t have it at my house. My mom said she wasn’t doing it at her house they wanted to go to the park. I told them the parks would be full lot of families go to the parks around here for holidays other than like Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Nothing do they wanted to go to the park then it was just order chicken and make sides instead of taking a big dinner out there. We decided on stuff and I was left to shop it all and cook it all. If not I would have had to go run everyone all over to get stuff and spend time and gas. My sister wanted X brand of beans so they cost more then she decided she wanted to get potato salad. I told her I was only able to chip in for what we already agree on. I was ok with the other beans they are better and we weren’t getting a lot of stuff. She tells me to get the other she would pay whatever it cost. Then she wanted to invite a friend and her 3 kids we already ordered the chicken it was just enough for all that was going to be there. So she tells me to get another box of it too. My brother was supposed to chip in when he got there yesterday and she was supposed to pay for her part and the extra stuff.

I get there yesterday and like I told them the parks are full and my sister who never dose anything refuses to let anyone come in her house and have it there. Her husbands doing I’m sure. He is so very rude and nasty to everyone treats her and the kid like crap and has her so brainwashed and stuck to him it is sick. She watch him do something that is wrong and still swear he did nothing wrong and it was all someone else and take up for him. We finally go over to this one park and find and place. It isn’t by the playground but room the kids could run and play.

We had a big fight before we even went because I got mad because they were supposed to be ready when I got there a hour before she said she just had to brush her hair. Then I get there and they are taking all day to leave why we sit in the truck and wait. Then she started showing her ass jumped out she was just going to walk with the baby and everything. My brother ended up leaving before we even got the park they were all mad.

Then we get home and something was said about the money I told her she owed me $60 she wanted to know how and everything. I start telling her and she says she only told me to spend $10 on this and that I didn’t call her when I was supposed to. I was walking in the store she said she had to go she was at the other store and they were going to close I tried to call back she didn’t answer. She said just get it whatever it cost she would pay it so I got it. Then she started yelling she didn’t get to eat and had to go inside order pizza because she was hungry. She was told to eat at the park over and over my mom offer to make her plate since she had the baby and everything else she refused. Ran around kissing her husbands ass waiting on him hand and foot. I told them to take the food in that was left and get some split it up for them and my mom because I didn’t want it they heated it in the microwave because it would kill them to eat it cold and it dried it out. Then her husband started about I just wanted them to pay it all and how I just needed the money and wanted to get it out of them and all kinds of bullshit.

I got out open the back of the truck for them to get the food out I’m standing there holding it open he get the stuff and everything he moves shoves the door into my back knowing good and well what he was doing. That door can’t close first and there was no way either door could have closed I was standing in the way. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I would have messed my truck up letting go of the gate and maybe broke my glass I would have knocked the hell out of him. I was done beyond pissed at that point. Then they trying to say she said she only wanted to spend $10 on this and that. The extra meat alone was $8 she was saying the other stuff was only this much and that much I kept telling her it was more. She don’t know her prices of stuff, I been shopping for family for years and I know what this stuff cost. She has too but she don’t look she just buys. It just turned into a huge fight.

I ended up telling them not to call me for a ride any more not to call me and want me to do this or that for them any more or anything else. She won’t get a licences or a car he says it cost to much. But then they pay $40 to go to and from the store and anywhere else they need to go. Or they take the kids and walk in the 100 degree heat and make them walk it. They come home soaked from sweat have to change clothes and take a shower. They have my moms old couch that is tore up because she can’t buy living room furniture. The bedroom set is one my mom gave me and my ex husband. Then when I wanted to sell it and get me something else it was well she gave it to us we should give it to them since they didn’t have one. Now I have none because I don’t have the money to replace it. I was going to sell it when I lost my place put the money a way and get me a new one because I couldn’t pay storage on it. I would have ended up paying more than it was worth in storage fees. If I hadn’t given them that they wouldn’t have that. Father of the year got their little girl a daybed from work for her bday last year so she have a nice bed. But every time they go to the store they are buying both the kids $20/$30 toys all the time ordering stuff off ebay or on line and spending money on junk. But they can’t get a car and get mad because they will call and say can you give us a ride to the store you say yeah when or in a little while or tomorrow I am busy today. they get pissed because they want to go right now with no warning ahead of time your supposed to drop everything and go. I told her last night I am done lot of times I would go get them drop them off or they get a cab and I would take them home to save them money if I wasn’t busy. So they didn’t have to pay $40. I live no kidding not even a mile from the store. They live at least 8 a way from me in the opposite direction. I have to go pick them up bring them back her to the store then pick them up take them back home and come back home. 99% of the time I wouldn’t even ask them for gas money or tell them to just give me like $5. If I was running really short once in a great while I may ask them for $10 but again even $10 a couple times a year is nothing compared to $40 one way every week. I am not only using my gas all the times I take them don’t charge them I takes me time as well when I take them. Then he has the balls to stand his ass there and say I just need money and try to pump them for money. Who the hell he thinks he is. That no one ever dose anything for them to get out of his house. All I can say is karma is a bitch and his is coming around. This isn’t Mexico and things are way different than there.

et cetera
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