{December 4, 2019}   3:16 a.m.

I am laying her stretched out in my bed wrapped in my blanket. Wishing I could sleep. Thinking about my friend who is probably up growing to the hospital for her surgery about now. I am worried about her. It is going to take about 10 hours to do it. I feel like shit I was going to call her and got busy at work and it got to late. I talk to her a few nights ago. She is scared. I feel so bad for her. I so wish I could be there for her.

She wants me and the kids to come stay with her for a bit so we can move up there where they are. I just want to go see her even if just for a day. I miss her being here and hanging out.

I have other things on my mind as well and in one of those moods where I don’t really feel anything just a void or emptiness. I have been feeling lonely a lot lately. It sucks when you want to feel that closeness there isn’t anyone there.

{August 8, 2019}   Come Home Please

I have this pad I picked up from my night job I used to take notes and keep up with all I needed to learn. Now I use it in the evenings to take notes when drivers call in or someone tells me things to watch for take care of or what for the night. Just my catch all. When I am not at work it floats around in my car since I do not have a desk at work and use someone else.

Little Bitty will find something to write with and draw pictures in it when we are riding around. Of course she did this past weekend as well. I had just been using my top sheet and hadn’t needed to flip through it until last night. This is her picture and note she wrote me. It says……

Hi mommy I need to talk ok. I will miss you at work. Home please come 😭.

I was already in a depressed mood I almost cried. When I got home I told her I had found it we talked. Then we got in my bed snuggled up together and watched The Worst Witch until we were falling a sleep. Then we cuddled up and slept.

I hate working like this and was trying to figure out how to cut back some way. Then I went to the ssi office this morning to get a letter from them. They informed me they will be cutting my son’s check every month. They will take so much a mo th away biased on what ex is supposed to pay in child support. Even though he is not paying. Then I have to go in every three months and report that he isn’t making payments or that he did and it was less than he was supposed to. Then they will send me back pay for the 3 months. Its a mess they have never done this in the past I told them he wasn’t paying that was that. When he did I told them. Now they changed it all up. So now that is more I have to come up with every month to keep things paid. I use to make sure I had $100 the first to put with it to pay rent that way it was taken care of. Now I am going to need $200+ each month to go with it. Then they are going to cut it some because I am working two jobs and I don’t even know how much that is going to be. I think if I figured it right it is another $100+ they will cut it. So half my rent money just went out the window.

Now there is no way to cut hours I need to max them out get all I can. When school starts when will I ever see them during the week. Back to dropping them off in the morning and weekends. I feel like shit. Mom of the year passing me up again.

Look at my baby, isn’t she writhing and spelling good to just be starting 1st grade next week?

{November 20, 2018}   A Little Disappointed

I was going to go see my old friend today after I had the kids settled for the night. Then yesterday while I was at work he messaged and asked if I could hang out last night? I told him no because I really couldn’t he said he was leaving this afternoon to go to WV to his dads.

I thought he was leaving Wednesday to go. I had already planned to go this evening and see him before he went. Now I messed up and missed going. I guess I will just have to wait until he gets back now because he will be gone before I get off.

Don’t know why it bothers me I don’t get to see him before he leaves but it does. I was going to see him the other night but I thought he was busy so made other plans. I still had plan to go see him tonight as well. I had not told him just in case I wasn’t able to. Guess I should ask him when he is coming home. I know he told me the other night but I don’t remember. Probably better to go then anyway.

{October 24, 2016}   Happy Birthday Daddy

Today would be my dads 62nd birthday if he was still alive. It’s still hard to believe he is gone and that this is the 2nd birthday that has come since he passed. If he was still alive he would come over for dinner and cake, the kids would be so excited they would help cook and bake a cake. Once dinner was done and they had their cake they would drag out the big checker board and take turns playing checkers. That was always mine and my dads game and when he seen the one I had he always played with the kids when he was over. He would have my Little Bitty sitting right next to him or on his lap teaching her how to play already and letting her help him. They would be telling stories about their day and what they did at school and showing him their report cards they will be getting today. He give them a dollar for each of their A’s and B’s. They would be thrilled and tell him how they were going to put it with the rest of their money they have saved. My Big Boy would tell him all about the Tortoise he is saving for and my Little Guy would tell him how he is saving for guinea pigs.

He would stay the night and we would take the kids to school the next day and spend the day hanging out and doing whatever, probably shopping and going out to eat. My dad didn’t like to shop but if he found something he wanted for the kids he couldn’t wait to get it. He would probably want to do some kind of shopping for them even though they don’t need anything. Then to go out to eat because he liked eating out. Then we would pick the kids up and we would drop him off at home or I would drop him off before I picked the kids up depending on where we ended up going during the day.

It is still so hard to believe he is gone. It don’t really get better with time you just get number with time. I had a test and some other things I was going to do today then I seen what the date was and changed everything because I didn’t figure I would feel much like doing anything. I was probably right. I was sitting here doing stuff and started thinking about it about two hours ago and just started crying. Just thinking about how I miss seeing him all the time and his hugs and just spending time with him. Talking to him about things that are going on and having him around to help when I need it. I have branches on a tree out front blocking my driveway right now I need cut. If I can’t get it done myself I am going to have to call someone and pay them to do it. If my dad was here it be done in little bit. I have one of his saws out there he gave Father of The Year that I kept when he left. I knew he just pawn it and lose it, he talked about doing it before when he wanted money. It was my dad’s and he gave it to him to use for things we needed done not to pawn and get money. Besides Father of The Year knows nothing about a saw and would probably end up cutting something off trying to use it. He never been around them or used one.

I am going to try to get them down myself because I think I can stand on the ground and cut them all pretty easily. I won’t mess with them if I have to climb on something with the saw I don’t feel safe doing it, if it comes to that I will call my dads friend that he has known since I was a baby who use to work with my dad and has now open his own company. I know he won’t try to take advantage of me because I “don’t” know any better or something like that. I called him about some work I needed done before and he gave me a fair price. If he isn’t able to get to it then I will see if my yard guy is comfortable doing it, well maybe. I know he would but I don’t know if I am comfortable with him doing it because I have seen him with a saw and I would hate for him to get hurt out here. I probably wouldn’t want him to do it if he had to get up on a ladder or something either thinking about it. Oh well I am not worried about it I am sure I can get someone to do it for me and not try to rip me off. If I think they are god knows I have no problem telling them so and sending them on their way so no worries really.

I guess I am going to try and get some sleep and hope that I can.

{June 21, 2015}   Happy Fathers Day

I just want to say happy fathers day to all the dads who are truly there for their kids and make a difference in their life. You may not think see it now but it really dose make a huge difference in their life.

I didn’t think today was going to be a very good day at all. I figured it was going to be hard to get through with my dad not being here with me or for me to call. But so far it has been an ok day. I did’t go to church today I didn’t want to be in all the elaboration they were having for the dads. I don’t know I could have handled that yet or not. I have been avoiding facebook for the most part today as well. Everyone on their talking about their dads and things.

I think part of what helped today was the fact that with everything going on last week and the kids going to camp I thought it was last week. I was pretty down and upset on top of everything else that was going on. I don’t know if I’m doing good considering or if I’m doing ok because I already dealt with things last week. Whatever it is I am just going to go with it and be.

Happy Fathers Day in Heaven Daddy, I’m sure you and grandpa have a lot of catching up you been doing. Can you hunt in heave? lol I bet if you can that’s what y’all are doing today. I still think about you every day and always will. I love you. R.I.P

et cetera
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