{May 14, 2018}   Worn Out

I haven’t been sick in a while that I can think of. The last few day’s I have felt like shit. My head is stopped up, but one side of my nose wants to keep running. My ear on one side feels clogged. My head hurts same side. It’s all on the right side, the same side I have problems with that lymph node they wanted to take out a year or two back because it is so big and still hasn’t gone down. I wish they would just take it out figure out what is wrong with it.

I just want someone to crawl into bed and cuddle with as they rub my back and hold me. I just want someone to take care of me for a change. Not like I even want that much. Am I horrible for feeling that way?

Little Bitty is upset I would not lay just how she wanted me to and cuddle her how she likes. My body hurts, I just want to lay so I feel some what good tonight. So I did and she is all mad and now a sleep laying on top of me. So I’m still hurting anyway.

I took Little Bitty to the doctor today. They said she is very backed up and they want an extra. I have to figure out how to do that now since their insurance isn’t fixed. They gave her something for it but they are both things we have used in the past and they don’t work. I ask the pharmacy what we could use he said we needed to talk to the doctor. I told her she said use something over the counter. He saying no the only thing we should use is what she said to start with. I don’t know what to do for her at this point. I am going to give her the meds for a few days go get the x-ray Wednesday and take her back Thursday if it isn’t working see what she says from there. I still think there is something wrong inside. She has dealt with this since she was little.

Still researching what I could give her beside what the doctor said. See what I can find.

{September 19, 2017}   Unwanted House Guest

As you all may remember my mom moved in with us a few months ago, it has been nothing but hell and fighting since. We have had a few bad fights and one again tonight. She has her truck here she won’t drive it, she didn’t pay the insurance on it so it just sits there. She expects me to run to the store every time she needs smokes, drinks, food, or anything else that she wants. She complains all she does is sit in her room on the computer or lays in her bed because she will not sit on the couch, a chair or even a kitchen chair. Most the time she will not eat whatever I cook or make for any meal. She has to buy her own lunch meat bread and everything else. She won’t drink out of a cup she buys little bottles of coke, bottles of water or drinks out in a cup, because everything is so dirty. The dishes go through the dishwasher so they are clean and sanitized. She can’t use the one bathroom because the kids cleaned the guinea pig cage and went in there and washed their hands. She can’t touch the knob to turn it on, she can’t touch the door knob to open the door because it has the mess from the cage on it. No the cage is not cleaned daily like it should be (my standards) but about once a week and it is a 4 ft x 2 ft cage so it isn’t like it is a little tiny cage. It gets cleaned daily or every few days most the time but not sine she has been here because they shouldn’t clean it why I am making dinner they shouldn’t clean it this time or that time then its to late to clean it. They take it outside to the water house clean it out good clean everything in it good. She can’t touch the front door knob because one of the kids went out it with the trash bag from the kitchen trash and touched it. You would think that my door knobs were sticky, dripping with nasty stuff, had stuff all over them or something and that everything in my house did and you can’t see anything anywhere.

I have bleached down the kitchen and both bathrooms I don’t know how many times. I paid my oldest to do them just the other day because I didn’t feel like doing it and we had bleached the kitchen down why she was gone. That wasn’t good enough for her because we didn’t take a pan of water with bleach in it wipe everything down and then get clean water and wipe the bleach off everything. I told her it was done how it was done it was fine that I would not be bleaching it down so that was that. Then she was complaining because she had a dish pan here that we used for something and that she didn’t have that she wanted to go bleach everything down in the kitchen. If you wash your hands in the bathroom they are not clean you need to wash them in the kitchen before you go to get her food, smokes or a drink, but if you just skip washing them in the bathroom then the kitchen handles are dirty because you didn’t wash before you went in there and washed. I am so over it. Then telling me how my house is so nasty and so dirty and everything else again how I make the kids do everything do nothing, how Father of the Year (my husband) she keeps saying. I said he isn’t my fucking husband anymore. Said how I did and things were here and how this one and that one in the family say it is here. Again they are hardly ever here really they are never ever here maybe once a year if that. I said and funny how they all talk about you behind your back and how you are and everyone knows how she is, oh no they don’t they talk about you they didn’t say this and that when I told her what they said. I said that’s funny get them on the phone I will call them out right here and if they been talking about me, my kids, my house and how it is or not and I will call them out and tell you just what they said and say about you at the same time. I don’t care I have nothing to lose or gain from any of it. She shut up for a minute then.

She started again about something, I said funny you couldn’t wait to come over her then sit down and wait for someone to do everything for you that needs done. No I don’t she starts again. I said yes go the store for this go for that and then go get this or that for food and things. Well you don’t do nothing else, I said oh but yes I do and I don’t need anyone else to take care of. I have enough to take care of. It don’t hurt you you never help anyone blah blah I said yes just not people like you who do nothing for their self, or do nothing but cause problems for everyone else. I said it’s so bad you couldn’t wait to get here. No I had no where to go, I said so your just using and causing problems. I will show you I am getting out of here just as soon as I can and when I do I am calling someone to take care of how things are here it is illegal blah blah bull crap. I said go ahead there is nothing illegal going on here I am not worried about it I will let a cop, dcf worker or anyone else in my house anytime they want to walk up in my house no matter how it looks clean or “dirty” I said make sure it is as filthy as it can get when you call them, and when you call someone and try to start problems because that is all your going to do is try nothing will come of it yet again you better make sure you remember it because you will never see or hear from me or anyone in my house again. I mean it, I will cut her, my sister, grandma, everyone that has anything at all to do with her and not speak to any of them again. I will move when I get ready and everything else and no tell them we did or where we went. We will go ghost and there is nothing she will be able to do about it. She keeps talking about lets go lets go get our stuff take our money and leave. I got news for her I do not plan to move anywhere close to where she wants to go, plans to go or ends up going if she goes before me. I do not and will not take her where I go either. She will not come stay with me when I move so that she can find a place and get settled, if she moves close to me I will not do the first thing to help her get moved there or to help her once she gets there. She is 100% on her own once she moves out of my house.

I have even went so far as to call dcf myself anonymous say I know kids living in x house with x people and this person is causing a problem, the kids are always talking about them and complaining about them and the problems there are there all the time since they came there and they feel that they need to go out and check it out to see what is going on. That they know the family that they do not feel there is abuse to the kids by mom that mom is taking care of the kids but she took in a family member that is causing problems and they feel it needs to be checked into. When they come out and talk to my kids my kids tell them yes this is true this is what grandma does this is how things are and how they have been this is what she says to us what she says to mom and the things she threatens to do, they can tell her that she is the one being abusive and causing problems. They may even tell her that she needs to find somewhere else to go and can’t stay here. But at least then they will have been out know what is going on and what to expect if she does try to call later and when she starts about calling and everything else I just tell her look they been to my house twice now in 7 years over you and it hasn’t worked so no need to call again. I don’t know what else to do.

I have talked to my sister about taking her back to her house until she is done doing this to her face she said she needs 6 weeks to do and can’t because of how dirty it is and how bad it is here she is going to catch some kind of horrible infection and die from it. That I don’t care about her if I did I would have cleaned the house up so she could do this to her face she is going to die because it is going to spread and cause problems if she don’t do it and my dads started on his face and look what happen. Well if you might catch an infection and die if you do it but the odds are you aren’t going to or your going to die because you don’t do it then wouldn’t you go ahead and do it and hope not to catch an infection than not do it and let it spread and cause you more problems? I mean it might be horrible to say but if this is how she is looking at it then if I was her I would at least do what I could to make it better and hope for the best than just not do anything. She just drives me up the wall. She wants to go to her friends house out of state says she would go there until February but she can’t because she has to do this to her face. She has been here more than enough time to do it but won’t because there is always and excuse. She has needed to do it for years and has come up with some excuse and not done it so now its my turn to be her excuse and blamed and just something else to show how horrible of a mom I am. I don’t care I know the truth everyone knows the truth and that is that. I could careless whatever one is saying or isn’t saying about me behind my back. If she is so hell bent that they are talking about me behind my back then why would she not think they were here behind hers. They don’t talk behind one and not the others. Tell me I’m just a pig and I can see it everywhere I look when I turn around and how bad my house is and what I am saying about her is all lies. That her house what fine until (my husband) father of the year came there. I said not true there was the stuff from the body that was in that one apartment where the guy died in there that you went to look at. I said you couldn’t keep your clothes, shoe’s, purse or anything else that you had with you. Grandma and Father of the year had to get rid of their clothes, jackets she had to get rid of her purse they had to get rid of their shoes and then a ton of other stuff had to be gotten rid of because your feet were in the floor of your truck it hadn’t gotten cleaned after you walked around in there and had your shoes in the truck. She don’t know why, how, where the man died in the apartment, she don’t know if anything was on the floor or anything else in there or how it was cleaned. But he died there and he was probably sick and that is in there and he was there long enough that stuff ran from his body and was in there. Then it was something that father of the year done it wasn’t clean in the house they bleached it and bleached it down and the truck and threw stuff away again. But then something that was in that apartment will be found she forgot about or something that had something to do with whatever father of the year did will show up and it starts again. Then they hit a dead animal on the side of the road and that was on her tire and then it probably got on the running board and then it got on her pant leg and his pant leg so they again needed to throw away their pants and shoes and then it was on their hands they touched this and that so now it was dirty and needed to be tossed or bleached. Then that was “cleaned” up and the yard guys blew something under her door from the parking lot with the blower when they were cutting the yards so now whatever that was is in her house and she had to throw away another rug and this or that bleach everything down and throw away stuff and then it be clean and something else would come of it again when she thought of it. She ended up throwing away almost everything in her house, couch, recliner, rugs, lamps pots pans shoes clothing beds anything and everything you can think of. And it couldn’t be given to anyone else because then they may get sick and she would get in trouble because she knew it had this or that on it or wrong with it and gave it to them so now she would go to jail or what. This isn’t something that oh one thing happen then a few months down the road something happen or a year. This is something would happen and she would fix on it for a year or months until something happen then fix on it and some times it and the other thing or it and the things from three times ago. She has been this way for a long time and it just goes in a circle.

I am rambling and bitching I know I am sorry and your a saint if you made it this far. I am just so aggravated and frustrated with everything that is going on that she has done. I have told her over and over to get her stuff and get out that i was going to the court house and filing papers to get her out that I would move and leave her here and let the owner deal with getting her out and everything else. The thing is if I file against her to get her out she will not be able to get anywhere at all because once you have been filed against here they will not rent to you. I know I shouldn’t care what happens or where she goes I don’t but I don’t want to see her out in the street either. I just don’t want her in my house.

{November 29, 2016}   Baby Boy

Sunday my sister text and said to pray for a friend she was in ICU and they didn’t know if she would make it. I called her to see what happen.

She said that our friend had lifted or moved furniture and started bleeding. She is pregnant with her 4 baby, so really bad. I guess it took her a little bit before she went to the hospital I don’t know why she was scared or what. She has bad anxiety when it’s time to have the baby and things.

When they finally got her to the hospital they said she turned white and started getting sick. They got her right back and said if she had waited any longer to come in she would have died. They put her to sleep and took her in for an emergency c section. When they got her open they said her uterus was transparent. They delivered the baby and ended up having to work on her for 5 hours. They had to shock her and everything else why they were working on her. They came out and told her family and little girls that they did not think she was going to make it. They ended up taking her uterus and one of her tubes out. They had to give her 7 bags of blood, 3 bags of platelets and 3 bags of plasma. They she made it through the surgery and was put in ICU to control her blood pressure and things like that. They wanted to let her wake up for a bit then put her into a coma to keep everything down and let her body rest. She was ok when she came to and they decided I guess not to do the drug induced coma. They had to let her come to so she could sign papers for someone to take care of the baby, see the baby and make decisions I guess about the baby as they had taken him from that hospital to the big children’s hospital in the other county. They said she has to stay there at least a week because they have to monitor her blood and make sure it straitens out.

My sister told me Sunday she thought she was over 30 weeks but not 31 yet. We were talking about the baby, I said he had a good chance at making it if she was that far along. I didn’t know how much but probably  little better than 50% but I could be wrong. He was 2lbs when she had him, I know they will send them home at 3 lbs now if everything else is ok.

Yesterday I took my friends boyfriend to a meeting and the hospital, when he got out we went and picked him up and took them to wal mart. I had to take the kids to the bathroom and I got a text that said the baby was only 27 weeks and they were taking him off the ventilator. I started to cry right there in the bathroom all these kids around in there. I called her and was asking her why and why they thought he wasn’t going to make it did he have other things wrong or was he just not developed enough? She said no that he was ok that they took it out of his mouth earlier that day and put it in his nose and that they said he was doing good enough they felt he did not need it and would breath fine on his own. I was re leaved to hear that. All I could think was she needed to be over there with him and that he was over there by himself and why would they do that with no one there and things. I was thinking I should try and go over there if I could but I didn’t know how I would do that when I didn’t have anyone to watch the kids or gas to get there.

They moved the mom out of ICU yesterday said she was doing better but still had to stay. They had to give her two more bags of blood yesterday and said they would need to giver her more before she left so she still could’t go.

Please pray for baby boy and his mommy that they both continue to get stronger the next few days and are able to be back together soon.

{November 14, 2016}   Counselling Tuesday

I didn’t go talk to the counselor last week, she didn’t have any appointments to get me in so I was set up to go tomorrow. Then Thursday I was talking to my mom and she told me that her test she didn’t get up and go to the week before was set for Tuesday. We got in a big argument about it, I had told her to set it up for last week because every day this week I was going to be busy with her or the kids. She first tried to say I told her it was last week I would be busy. I told her no I said that then put her on hold and came back and told her I was wrong it was this week set it for last week and she had never told me when she set it for this was the first I was hearing. I told her I was busy. She wanted to know what and what time because her appointment was at 10 or 11. I just told her I had an appointment that day she started about and I guess it is at the same time right. I said with in that hour yes. I set everything for in the morning between 930 and 130 so that I know I can be there to pick the kids up by 3. I take whatever time they have in between there and most times the earliest so that I can drop them and go straight there. But this time was the only time they had so I took it. Not that it is any of her business anyway I am helping her and she has three days a week that she can make appointments on that I can take her other than this week. She always sets or tries to set them when she knows I have something to do. I push until she changes it. This she couldn’t because she has so many times already. She wanted to know what I had to do and I could pick her up and go do mine then take her or we could do mine on the way back if it was later.

I knew that with it being so close in time we did not have time to get from one place to the other. Plus I just told her I had to go get the test on my thyroid. I didn’t tell her they were doing all the test on my breast. Really I had to go to my therapist appointment. I didn’t want her to know I was going to the counselor if she did she would start about that and go on and on about it all the time. It is none of her business. I didn’t want her to know I was having my breast checked either for the same reason she would hound me about it from now on and the doctors don’t know the test don’t know they need to do this and I need to do that. She knows I was supposed to have the thyroid checked the fist of the year and hadn’t. They think when I went about my breast and got my medication that I was getting something for an infected tooth. Because the store called Father of the Year instead of me when my medication was ready. I have to call and fix that still as well. I just don’t need to hear all her bullshit about all her OCD, she knows better than everyone else, whatever. I just don’t feel like dealing with it anymore. Keeping the peace, trying to not make waves and dealing with her is a big part of why I have been the way I have. I truly feel if I didn’t have to hear all her crap about every thing that she finds out about no matter how big or small over and over I wouldn’t be as bad as I am. I really don’t care, let it go in one ear and out the other but just listening to it hearing it and dealing with her is exhausting.

But now that my truck is to contaminated for her to ride in and she is making him take her it will let me be able to go to my therapy appointment and then my other test on Wednesday like I had set up to start with. I won’t have to try and rearrange Tuesday to another day. If I had to I most likely wouldn’t get in until after the holiday.

She just really grates my nerves with this crap even with my medication.

{August 30, 2016}   Your Probably A….

If you have went through the little store grabbing things to pack your kids lunch, and trying to make it look healthy and not snatched up in a mad rush at the little store….Your probably a college mom

If you have sat 14.5 hours straight doing school work that is due that night and the next morning, because you had, puking, shitting, feverish kids all week…….Your probably a college mom

If you over sleep and your kids are a half hour and a hour late for school because you were doing homework for 14.5 hours……Your probably a college mom

Oh and if your texting your best friend at 12 am praying that they are working so they can bring you a cold 2 liter of Coke because not only have you been doing homework for hours straight but also drinking kool–aid for the last two days……You might be a college mom

{June 1, 2015}   Nothing Good To Say

As you all know I got the tattoo I wanted in memory of my dad in March, you can see it here My New Tattoo. I hadn’t shown it to my mom but I hadn’t hidden it from her either. It’s on the top of my foot and I wear sandals of some kind all the time. I been over there I figured she seen it.

Well Memorial day weekend we went over to my sisters for her little boy’s first birthday. The kids were all playing in the little pool she had. I brought my little one in and sat down on the floor with her to change her clothes and things. I had taken my shoes off because they were wet. I stretched my leg out in front of me and my sister looked over and said what’s that when did you get it? She hadn’t seen it but I hadn’t really been around her. I showed her and everything. My mom was sitting there and she not even got close enough to see it really she is sitting on the other end of the couch behind where I am sitting. She starts it looks like a green blob or smeared mess all ran together. Why would you get that? Why on the top of your foot? It’s something else I don’t even know what she said at that point because I am trying to not say anything and start at the babies birthday party. She said something else i said you haven’t even looked at it you can’t see as it is then you sit across the room and try to see what it is or what it looks like. In a little bit she got up to do something and came over there and looked at it she started about how big it was and on my foot and all this again. I said it had to be bigger to make the letters and numbers readable and that I needed to go back and have it touched up because they needed to be a little darker but that when they do it they can only do so much at one time and working with something so tiny you can only do so much work on it.

She started about how it was on my foot and when you get a tattoo to remember someone you don’t put it on your foot blah blah. I said I had wanted it on the inside of my arm but that it had to be bigger than I had planed so I decided on my foot. She just kept on about how it shouldn’t be on my foot and why would you want a tattoo on your foot. I said just because that is where I wanted it and that i seen nothing wrong with it on my foot.

She says how she likes something simple like mom on the arm. I said yeah that is nice but I didn’t really like that for myself I felt what she was talking about would be something you see more on a guy. Then she starts if you ever get one for me or feel like getting one for me don’t put it on your foot. I don’t want to be in your smelly shoe. By this point I had enough and said oh don’t worry I won’t. I’m going to put your picture on my left ass cheek. She just laughed and everyone just laughed like I was joking. But I really wasn’t I was mad.

I don’t know maybe I was wrong for letting it get to me but it did. It hasn’t been that long since my dad passed and it is really none of her business what I get or do, but she always has to say something about anything I do and she never has anything nice to say at all. She always so negative or has 20 reasons why you should do something else and not what you did or are doing. Just like when I told her I was going back to school, she said well if that is what you really want to go for like it was the end of the world then on and on about why I need to go for this or that or something else. Then almost every time i talk to her she ask if I have decided what I am going to go for. I tell her yeah I did I told her to start with she knows I did. She says I just think you are making a mistake and I would never do that you have this responsibility and people do this or that and there is this risk. No matter what job you have you have some kind of responsibility and people are going to do things and there is some kind of risk. I don’t care if you work in a office, store or a flower shop or portrait studio. I have done it and you have people who are going to be rude and nasty, you risk getting robbed, and a ton of other things. Maybe not all the same risk as other jobs but they all have some kind.

She hasn’t said anything else about my tattoo but I am sure the next time she thinks of it or I’m there and she see’s it she will again. I am surprised she didn’t start about how much it cost and that I shouldn’t have spent the money on it that I should have spent it on something else.

{November 28, 2014}   Thankful It’s Over

It’s been a very long day, who am I kidding it’s been a long week. I spend a big part of if dreading today. I feel so wore out when I have hardly done anything today. Just dealing with my mom dose it to me in a manner of minutes every time. Knowing that I have to in itself takes a lot out of me. The kids being sick for two weeks, dealing with the child support stuff, and trying to decide if and where to move don’t help. I haven’t told my family I am trying to move or that I am going after RC for support.

They don’t think I should just leave him alone. They don’t think he should be in her life. They feel if I go after him then he is going to want to see her and that he shouldn’t. They think he will try to take her. I’m sure the way they are they feel he could win and get her. I don’t think it is even a option. If he wants to be in her life I wouldn’t ever stop it. He needs to be in her life she needs to know him. There will be a order in place for her. I don’t think he would try to take her from me. He told me he wouldn’t and I’m probably stupid but I believe him. But at the same time I am not stupid and know that from now on whatever I do I have to protect her and me from possibly going though more bs with him.

I haven’t told them I am moving or even considering moving because all I will hear is how I can’t do that. That I can’t make it there with just me and the kids, that I cant take them and leave the state because of father of the year being here and on and on they will go. I also don’t want them to know until I have the divorce done and what I want in it and it set so that I am able to take them out of state. Because if I tell them first they will go to father of the year and be telling him how he has to stop it and how he can’t let me leave and take the kids. They will tell him well you can take her to court you can get it put in the divorce that she has to stay here. He is the kind that would go and try to stop it to keep everyone from being pissed off at him. Because them being mad at him or not is more important than what is best for him kids. His kids will get over it and he will always be daddy. But someone else may not get over it and he may lose a friend.

My mom just aggravates me so much. I have never called him daddy to my daughter at all. He has always been called by his name. She call him daddy to her. I said something a few times when we were having to stay there. My daughter never has really called him daddy, when she did I tell her no it’s ___ and now that is what she says. The last two times my we were at her house she said something about daddy I said no it’s __. She started about since when she always called him daddy. I told her no and she didn’t say anything. Then tonight she said something about daddy. I was in the other room I didn’t say anything because my daughter wasn’t in there and didn’t hear her. Everyone there I didn’t want to get into it. I wasn’t feeling good I just wanted to get out of there and go home.

The dog had her puppies and if you talk to her we need to give them a way as soon as they are big enough. If she had it her way they would be gone already. All because they are part pit. I didn’t pick the dog that got her pregnant I didn’t want her to have puppies at all. But she did and we were talking about getting another dog since our other passed a way last year. I want something that will grow up with my younger two like the momma dog has with my older two. Why try to find homes for these and hope they go to a good one when we want a puppy already? That be stupid to me. I told the kids we would keep one. Well then father of the year decided that since they won’t be ready till a few days before Christmas or after even and one of us will be moving by the end of February then he wanted to keep one. Well the home for the 3 rd fell through so he decided he would keep the two so they would have a play mate why he was working since he will be working so much. Tonight the kids were talking about them and she was like I wouldn’t keep any of them I can’t believe your going to keep them you need to get rid of them all. I ignored her because she wasn’t talking to me her and my oldest were talking. But she was directing it at me. I just kept doing what I was and acted as if I didn’t hear her. Then she says to me your keeping all them dogs why? Going on and on about it. I said I am keeping one he is going to take two with him when he moves. She says oh these kids will be grown he isn’t going no where. I was pissed and my brother and his family sitting there. I said no he is leaving the first of the year one of us will be moving I’m not living like this any longer. She started about how we need to get rid of them all blah blah shit again. I just went on and finished what I was doing.

She just gets on my nerves and pisses me off so fucking much. She can’t ever keep her opinions or thoughts to herself ever. It’s one thing to give your opinion when asked but to always be telling people what they need to do or basically telling them and trying to push it is another. I truly just want a way from her and father of the year. She never has anything positive to say and trying to push into what and how she wants it to be done.

I try really hard to ignore her and I try really hard to not let her get to me but I can’t help it. It just stresses me out so much. I think the main reason is because of the influence that she has over my kids. they see this stuff they hear her then they second guess their self or feel they need to do what she says to make her happy and not upset her. I try to keep the contact minimum but they want to see her and to go for holidays and see the rest of the family and things.

I know I’m venting I guess I am just a little more adjudicated with everything with the way everything has been the last few weeks. I feel like this week has been a loss with nothing getting done because of everyone being sick the dreading going over there on top of everyone being sick, not feeling good myself. I am just in a mood tonight I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin.

So I am very thankful for a lot of things, my kids, friends, family, a home, and the things I need. Tonight I think I am most thankful its all just over.

{November 20, 2012}   To Biopsy or Not

My mom went to the doctor today and she needs 4 biopsies done on her breast. This is going to cost $4000. They are trying to figure out what to do now. They told her that they could do a MRI for around $1000 but it won’t tell them for sure if it is or isn’t cancer. They look for different things to see if they think it is. If they think it is then she still needs the biopsy. She has the 3 places in one side and a different looking place in the other she has had for years. But they didn’t think the one place was really anything to worry about and didn’t think she needed the biopsy done on it. The other 3 on the other side all just came up the last year or so and right a way when they seen them they felt she needed them done. But now she says the side they told her not to worry about all this time is really sore and painful all the time the 3 they are really worried about aren’t. They think they should go ahead and do all 4 at one time.

I asked her why they didn’t just do one of the breast that has 3 places and see what it showed since they all look the same. She said they don’t do it that way because even if they all look the same one might be cancer and the others may not. If they don’t get the right one then they say it is nothing when the one is. But I would think that if they are that close to and they are that worried about them that if one is cancer and the others would be too. With the blood work all messed up also it seems that it is pretty likely to be cancer. She says the doctor didn’t seem as worried as the first one and the person who read the test but he still wants her to get something done to check them farther.

I don’t know what she is going to do. We are going to check into some places around who help women who have things like this to get the test they need and things and hope that they can help in some way. Even if they have a doctor that will do it at a lesser rate or something. Maybe they can come up with part of it at least. I just wish they would get it done so that she knows and can get something done about it if it is. The longer they wait the worse it is going to be. She said they are a little bit bigger than a pea. They take like 6 places off of each one and test them. It seems like no bigger than they are that would be the whole thing but I guess it isn’t. Wish they could just take them out like that why they are in there since they are so small.

{November 6, 2012}   The big C word Cancer

This is not the news I wanted to come back with after having an uneventful few days. But I guess it is what life has decided should be thrown my way next. My mom called tonight to see if I had the money I borrowed the other week and why I hadn’t brought it by to her. Then tells me how she hasn’t been there and she has been like 50 miles a way. How would I have brought it to her I am thinking but didn’t say anything. I just told her I been dealing with sick kids and that ex forgot to take it to work with him to drop off after work. He goes right by their house every day so instead of spending gas to go down there.

Then she starts telling me how she has went to the doctor the last few days and that she had a mama graham. She says they called her right a way to come in about it and told her that she has 3 spots the size of marbles or bigger that she needs to get taken care of right a way. They said they are very consistent with a certain kind of breast cancer and that she should not wait to be seen. She has no insurance she worked for a small apartment complex for years that only had two employees. Since then she got married and has helped her new husband run his business and it is just the two of them so they don’t have any. It is way to much for just the two of them.

They told her she could go to the health department here and they maybe able to help her but that it would take her months to go threw them and get sent somewhere to get it looked at and tested and that she didn’t have months to wait. They did blood work and said that there is something wrong with it and it either has something to do with the liver or the bones. If this is cancer it could be bad enough it has spread. They don’t know I guess why the test show the way they are. That is yet more test to get done to figure that out. They are calling around tomorrow to see what it will cost to get a doctor and have the lumps tested. But I don’t think she is going to find one to do it because most the doctors around here will not take cash patients they want some form of insurance or they won’t see you. I have no clue what she is going to do. I am so worried, scared and upset.

All that I am going threw with the baby and me and RC not being together, trying to find a job and figure out how/where we are going to move at the end of the month and my grandpa being sick. God must think I am like the strongest women there is out there or something. Because the things he keeps throwing at me and he isn’t even letting me get one figured out before he is throwing the next.

{June 18, 2012}   A Nice Fathers Day

Today was a pretty good day over all. I took the kids Friday and gave them each a little money to spend to get their dad something. As much as I didn’t want to I did it for the kids. I remember when I was their age and my mom and dad were split up and divorced when holidays came around my mom never took us to get anything for my dad or gave us money to get him something so most the time we didn’t have anything. I know my dad knew why and what was going on but I still felt so bad because I didn’t have anything and he didn’t get something. We don’t have family on that side that are close and they aren’t close any way they hardly ever talk. He has done a lot of things and said a lot of things but I’m not going to let my kids feel bad over something like that. I gave the two oldest ones $5 each and told them to get something and that it was from them and their brother.

My big boy got him a coke glass because he knows he likes coke stuff. He also got a balloon, dice, checkers and a gift bag. My baby girl got a balloon, cards, chest,  card, a book and gift bag. They thought that was the greatest thing in the world. They said they would have stuff they could play and do with daddy when they were there. He would have his book to read when they weren’t and his glass to drink out of all the time.

I took RC’s two boys after mine left Friday to go to their dad’s. I was already thinking about picking them up early from daycare but then it got late so I din’t. Then he called me an said he wasn’t sure if he was going to get off work on time or not and asked me to go pick them up if I wasn’t busy or to call the school and let them know he was going to be late picking them up. I told him it was fine I would pick them up and meet him at home. He didn’t know I had thought about picking them up even.

The boy’s put their money together and bought him a watch. It took them a few minutes to agree on what one to get and what color to get but they ended up with the one I thought was the better of the two. It looks like a clip and it has a watch and compass on it. You just clip it to your belt look instead of putting it in your pocket or on your arm. Then the little one told him after we got home what we got him. He didn’t mean too they were talking about something and he said something about it. But they still waited to give it to him until today. I was supposed to help them make dinner tonight. Well they were supposed to help me I should say. RC wanted me to make my oven fried pork chops the other night. I told him I didn’t have time but I would make them for him today. Boy I didn’t know what today would bring or I wouldn’t have made that promise.

We got up had to go a couple places then came home had lunch after we picked the boys up from church and went fishing. RC said he wanted to just relax and go fishing today so thats what we did for a little bit. I spent most the day running around getting my baby girl ready for her trip. I had to meet with them at 7 they were picking her up. I had to fix her stuffed animal that she has had most her life find her clothes and everything else. I wanted her to be able to take pictures and have her phone and ds and things she asked to bring. I think I found it all and sent. I had to run all over the place to get a check cashed so I could give her some money why she was there. She ended up with $60 to take with her. I gave her $2o and told her dad to give her $20. I figured that should be more than enough. Then my sister gave her $20 when she seen her over the weekend. Now I know she has way more than enough. but I know her and she will probably want to buy the boys all something and bring them back when she comes. She is really good with money so I know she won’t blow it all on junk. Plus they wouldn’t let her just take it and waste it. This is the kid that saved her money to get a bike. She got up to $50 and then took it and bought a set of  books to read instead. Then she ended up with like $80 for her bday and she bought a few whatever things with it. But most of it she spent on pretty nice decent stuff.

I didn’t get there until late since we didn’t get out to fish until late and back late. So we ended up having a pretty late dinner. But the kids all ate early so it was ok. I am wore out and so sleepy I can’t hold my eyes open. It has been a busy weekend even though I didn’t get anything done I needed too. I’m still not happy about that and I told RC today a couple times when we were talking and he said a few things that I wasn’t happy still and that I was a little mad. He asked me why the last time but I had to get out of here and go see my baby girl before she left. I told him I don’t have the time to talk to you about all this right now we will talk about it later. He hasn’t said anything else and is now sleeping. I know he get up early so i didn’t say. anything. I will tomorrow or the next day that is for sure. Until later today or sometime tonight I am going to go and get some sleep before my computer falls in the floor. I may have to cry if that happen. Hope everyone has a great day and happy reading.

et cetera
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