Single___Parent___Life











{January 30, 2020}   The Night Went Well

Last night I was talking to bff on my way home from work. She told me not to go see JW to just go home. She was in a bad mood and going to screw things up. She says I am just trying to run away from love and someone who cares about me. She says I’m scared.

I don’t think so, I think I am tired of putting my life on hold. But maybe i am I don’t know anymore. This week is a really hard week for me as it is with it being the week I lost my dad. Add in the rent shit going on and now looking at finding a place in a month and now a new relationship. I will go from fine to pissed in seconds for no reason and i know it. That is how i was yeaterday and it lasted all day.

I try to keep to myself not mess with anyone because I know it is me not whoever. I don’t want to say or do something because I’m mad or in a bad mood that has nothing to do with them. But last night i was going there to break up with him and to confront him about what he said about going doing what is best for me and the kids and about if he ever wanted to move or would consider it and why am I the one putting my life on hold for him? I knew I was dwelling on it and it would not be a civil conversation.

When I got there he was in a bad mood too. He had been into it with a guy at work.

I just decoded to tell bff to come get us lets go out just to get us both out of the house and not have an argument.

I seen him this morning and he was in a better mood i sure was. But we haven’t talked. We have only seen each other a few minutes. I do want to sit down talk with him about it all. Maybe this evening or one day next week.



{January 2, 2020}   New Years Eve

How was your New Year’s eve? Mine was alright I guess. I went out with J.W., he was at his friends house that is two houses away from mine. I can stand in their yard and see mine. It was alright, I was feeling very torn and guilty. I got the whole I shouldn’t be going out blah blah bad mom and all that went along with it. I got over there and there were a ton of teens hanging out and running around, didn’t make things any better. I hate to hangout with others kids on nights like that and when I don’t have mine with me. Being with a house full of people I don’t know didn’t help. By the time I got out of the house and went to meet him I was already not in a good mood and not in the mood to drink. I knew if I did I wouldn’t stop and it wouldn’t be good and I didn’t want to be stuck at these peoples house or to go home and I didn’t want to drink like that just meeting these people. But I wanted to drink. I just hung out and once midnight hit I left. I had told J.W I wanted to leave before midnight but he didn’t want me to go. He wanted to go but wanted to hangout there until midnight. It was like 10:30. We stood outside and talked for a long time. Once it got close to midnight we went inside and watched the ball drop and left shortly after that.

I wanted one of those lantern things that you light and it floats away to take to the beach. I went to about three stores and couldn’t find one. We ended up just going out to the beach and walking down the beach and talking. We walked a lot further down than we had the other night. But the other night it started raining. The kids started calling new years and I told them I would be home in a while. We looked and seen how far we had made it and decided to turn around and go back. He wanted to stop and get something to eat on the way home so we did that. I did not think it would take near as long as it did but it took forever even though they weren’t busy. I didn’t get home until after 3.

Over all it was a decent night. I just wish things hadn’t worked out the way they did and I was able to be in a better mood. I messaged him later and told him again I was sorry I just had a lot going on torn and then dealing with things. This time of the year is a really hard time and then to have the holidays and trying to do all that it don’t help.

How was your New Years Eve?



The last week or more I have walked around feeling nothing or dead inside. Knowing things are wrong or not right or even good and just not caring either way and not feeling anything either way. Then all of a sudden Wednesday night yesterday something shifted or swung in another direction and I am all over the place. One minute I’m angry and mad, the next I am in tears feel like everything is spiraling out of control and a mess or that I have dropped the ball and can’t catch it.

I know I am getting things caught up and better off than I was a couple years ago and even a few months ago. But like I said before it don’t get better it just changes. I have the job and money things down and some how making it work I guess.

But now I have the problem with the kids Little Bitty is really having problems with me not being there much. I have never had to leave my kids so much and work so much when my kids were that little. I feel horrible the summer is almost over I haven’t gotten to do anything with them. I have worked. I wanted to take a trip or two when I got this truck and now this shit happen. It is going to cost me more money that i really don’t have with all the work I have missed.

I have to go to the ssi office and deal with them because I haven’t and I know I should of by now. It is just one more thing to do. My to do list is just seems to keep piling up and up. I just don’t feel like it or have to take yet more time off work to take care of it. I haven’t taken myself back to the doctor like I need to, I haven’t gotten other things I need done taken care of. I just don’t know how to find that balance or if I will.

I feel like the closer I get to getting ahead and making things better I just making things worse in other ways. I sit here and think I just want to quit my jobs go home be with my babies. Figure everything out there. Then I tell myself I have to work so that they can have a roof over their head, electric, water, food, you know the basics that no one else cares if they have or not or offers to provide for them or help provide for them. of course that snowballs into thinking about all that and them and how they aren’t doing anything at all but that I am the one catching shit from everyone else because things aren’t up to their standards or because I am working to much and because I am not getting things back on track in the order or how they think I should be or taking care of the kids the way they should be. But no one bats and eye or says a word to the fucking deadbeats that do nothing. How about hunt them down tell them what a horrible parent they are, how they don’t love their kids, or care how they live or what they do or don’t have. How the only one there doing anything for them can’t spend time with them because of the way things are and they are working their ass off to cover it all make it all happen and doing the best they can because they aren’t doing their part or seeing them like they should. instead of just causing problems and making things worse for the one doing it and making them feel bad about everything.

I sit here and wonder why I am doing this, is life worth living? Why is it worth living, what makes it worth living. I know what I have to do, I want to do it but at the same time I just feel like why? Why are we all doing this? Is anyone happy? Is everyone happy and there is just something wrong with me and now I have drug my kids into this miserable unhappy world with me? I Are they going to want anything to do with me when they are older or are they going to leave and not come back around? They say they want to stay with me or live close and always be together and things but do they really mean it? I don’t remember every thinking that I wanted to stay at home or live close to my family or ever feeling close to my family. I never felt loved, don’t remember being happy or feeling happy. I still don’t feel loved, I haven’t felt loved in a very long time. I know the kids do and feel that some of them do. But it’s different everyone knows that. they can’t show or give what I need, in the way it is needed. It isn’t them it they aren’t supposed to. I wonder if they feel anything or if they are walking around like me and just miserable or is it to late have a really failed them or messed them up and are they just dead inside or empty like I have been feeling?

Just writing this I am all over the place up down and unsure of what to think or feel. I plaster on that fake smile and just keep working. There is a driver at my night job that comes in and talks before he goes on his runs or hen he gets back. He was coming in once a week but I hadn’t seen him in a while other than one night when I was leaving and he was. He stopped said hey that was about it. He was driving by as I was getting in the car.

Last night he came in it was his day off he had to talk to them about some time off. His mom has to have a heart thing done. We were sitting and talking and the other guy who works with me at night was on the phone. He said something about him talking in the background, so he said he was going to go outside and smoke, asked if I wanted to come out with him and if I smoked. I told him i didn’t but I walked out and talked to him for a bit. He asked if I wanted to go out grab something to eat and a drink. I told him I couldn’t I had to get home to the kids, I promised my little one I would watch a movie with her when I got home. We all talked some more there in the office until it was time to leave. We all walked out and we were standing there in the parking lot talking. He said well we better go before people start talking.

He keeps asking us if we want to go out after work or if I want to go out after work. He is a nice guy but he’s like 54 or 55 I think. He said his son is going to be 29 and he had him when he was 25. Besides that we work together, I don’t want to go there. Of course find one that is decent and he’s older and works with me. It’s like a cruel joke the world plays. Dangle it just out of reach.

I guess I should get off here, I’m at work, I been here an hour and half an been on here and watching a show. I need to take care of the things that need done here and go take care of this truck and deal with this guy that I really don’t feel like dealing with. I just want it all to go away. Someone twitch your nose, snap their figures and make it all go away or make it all better.



{May 6, 2019}   Looking Healthy and Drugs

Last night me and the girls took a cab to the store to make sure they had what they needed for the week. Then took one home.

On the way home my Good Friend messaged me and said something about being on the phone and fighting with someone on the phone. Always on it fighting with someone I think he said. I asked what he was talking about? I didn’t see him he said he just walked by me at the store I was on the phone looked mad. I said I was just in a mood and not fighting on the phone.

He replied your always in a bad mood or something like that. I said no not really, I been doing really good for a long time until the last week here. We started talking about the truck and everything why it isn’t done it is only a 30 min job and all that.

Then he says where did half of you go? I was confused at first because we were talking about the truck and everything. I ask what he was talking about because I also kind of took it a different way with what all we were talking about between moods and the truck.

He said you have lost a lot of weight.

I told him eating a lot less, cutting out all Cole’s long time ago, cut out tea.

Then he says you look Healthy, no drugs?

I put in capital letters really? No!!

He says I just had to ask you know enough people on them. I said as does most everyone around here we are in X county.

I can not believe that he asked me that or even felt he needed to ask. But then again I guess maybe because there are some I thought no never who can’t stop now. It is sad but seems to be the norm around here at some point or time in your life.

Then he said he is going to need new pictures. Like he has any now other than ones I have posted and put on line that everyone has seen.

I went to secret conversation since we were on messenger and I edited one picture I had good and sent it to him so it would delet in like 10 seconds. Why I was trying to send it he was all why secret and what so…I sent that. He said I need to see that again do you have more? He says I am guessing your more comfortable with your appearance? I just said yeah wasn’t getting all into it with him right then.

Then he said you never answered my question? I didn’t see one so I asked what? He said you never talk to me anymore why? I said well you don’t talk to me either and I figured you were pissed off at me. He said no not at all. We talked a little more he had to go. He wanted catch an hour nap before work.

I was glad he messaged and we talked I miss talking to him and glad he didn’t stop me at the store. I was fighting tears then and just wanted to get home. Had he come over talked to me and hugged me I would of lost it. I always do with him.



{November 14, 2017}   Why Do We Spend Money

When we don’t have it and are worried how to pay everything and when we are going to get more? It seems like the more I think about not having money the more I want to spend. I hadn’t really spent any on stuff we didn’t need but could of waited on some I am sure. Then last night I went to the store with a friend to get milk, juice and that kind of stuff. I ended up spending $30, I don’t even know what I spent it all on, I know I bought make up and a $1 dress up dress for Little Bitty. I figured it to be about $35 but it came to $30 so that was good at least. I don’t know why I wanted make up I hardly ever wear it and have not had any decent make up since me and R.C broke up. The make up I had when we were together I had, had for years it is no wonder it all broke up and was a mess. I bought some a year or so ago and took it back because it was horrible. I been wanting some for a while I just got basic eye-liner, mascara, eye-shadow and a nail polish. I wanted to do my make up a way and take some pictures in the outfit I was in last night and today but never got to do either one. I want to do my nails and make up for tomorrow but don’t know if I will get to or not. I should have time, I have to take my little one to school then go back in a few hours and have lunch for the holiday with her. I should have time after I drop her off to come home and do it. After lunch I have to go to the shop and work.

I don’t know why I even wanted to take the pictures much less do the make up too. I have no one to take the pictures either other than my oldest and who knows if she will even take good pictures.

I am at a stand still on my weight loss, hoping to get back on track in the next few days. I have been at the same weight for about a month or two now. But I didn’t want to do anything to push myself to start losing again because I had lost so much so fast. Most the time if I lose it that fast I will not maintain I will gain it back. I wanted to just maintain for a little bit let my body get over the shock of losing so much and get use to a new normal. Now I think that I am ready to really go at it and try to lose some more. I have 44 pounds more to lose and I will be happy. I need to check I may have already threw my body into shock and be losing again. I have not checked in a week or so. But over the last three days up until tonight I had been cooking nice meals again not just whatever I could throw together and get over with. Boy I know I ate way to much. I may have gain after the night of pork chops. I was pretty good and didn’t eat as much of the roast last night and only three slices of pizza tonight. I know part of the eating is the mood I am in as well but oh my it was so good too.

Now I am rambling I got to get off here, I should be going to bed it is almost 11:30 and I am wanting to play with the make up I bought last night and I want to leave it in the bag and take it back all at the same time. I also just had the thought of doing a picture for Christmas cards and wanting to look up so cute ideas for that. I just jump from one thing to another to another like flipping through the pages of a book.



{March 18, 2017}   Praise Fest 2017

When I was taking the kids to therapy this week I seen a sign saying that our downtown area is holding a praise fest today. They have a bunch of bands from the local churches who come out and sing at the big outdoor amphitheater in the park by the river. It’s free to get in and they are also going to have a bunch of things for the kids to do like bounce house, rock wall, face painting and things like that. It is from 11 to 7 tonight. I think we are going to go down there for a while and hang out, listen to the bands and let the kids play. I wanted to go when it started but we slept in. We are doing laundry and the kids are doing their chores. I am starting to think that maybe later in the afternoon early evening will be better. There is a guy at the end I want to see anyway I know all day will be to much for my little ones. I think we will do what needs to be done around here then eat dinner early and then go. I think we are just going to have left overs from the last couple nights to get them out of there and make it fast and easy. They can eat some more or a sandwich when we get back if they want something else.

I am hoping that this will put me in a better mood and get me out of this pissed off/depressed mood I have been in the last few days. I don’t know haven’t been taking my medication either I have to start it again. I don’t know what it is I just forget or get busy and don’t think about it. I have to get better about taking it. I don’t know why I find it so hard to remember to take it but I do. I need to take it in the morning when I get up and in the evening when I got to bed. I don’t remember it half the time until I am already gone out of the house or about to fall a sleep if I remember it at all. But I don’t even know if it can get me out of this mood I am in.



et cetera
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