{March 18, 2019}   I Let go of The Baggage

I don’t know what happen that night we all drank (Moonshine Is Not My Friend) but it is like something just snapped in the three of us. Me and Bff probably more than her aunt I think.

Bff didn’t drink the moonshine she drank while we were out, she had I don’t know how many drinks and then some of a few others who gave her theirs. Then she stopped and didn’t drink anymore once we got to her friends house. Me and her aunt had one or two before we got there but then when she brought the moonshine out is when we really started drinking. We found out later the blue 140 proof one she brought back to bff’s house and was slipping and drinking it outside once we got back to Bff’s house and I got inside. She would go out to smoke and drink it. Why she was lit the next morning at 9 something in the morning. We couldn’t figure it out because no one seen her bring the jar home or drinking. Later bff found it and last week she told us she brought it done there in her purse and sat it outside on the deck when they were trying to bring me inside.

After that night I just felt different, a way I had really never felt before. I was hungover for like two days. It was Saturday before I felt I could even really think about eating a normal meal and function almost normally. But aside from that it was like something just changed or was different. Almost like everything I had been thinking about, bothered by and why I was drinking just disappeared. I guess maybe I just let it all go that night. That is it I just felt this huge release like everything that had been weighing me down, depressing me, holding me back or was in my way the last few years since RC, the divorce, my dad passing and all of it, I just let it all go that night. I haven’t picked it back up since then. I feel like a whole different person. I feel stronger and more empowered. I feel ready to really live my life and be happy.

As I write this and really think about it I owned a lot of shit that was not mine to own and to carry around. A lot of guilt for the way things are and a lot of guilt for the way my kids have been done by their dads. I felt it was my fault and I couldn’t fix it. All though I did leave father of the year, I left because of the abuse, and I tried my hardest for over a year to get him to see what was going on and what was going to happen. Although I left him and I asked for the divorce I did not do anything WRONG. I stood up for myself. I also did nothing wrong toward my children or cause anything that is or has happened with them. I have never told them they can not see or talk to their dad. I have never told him he can not see or talk to his children. I have always told him it was their relationship how they go about that is on them. HE is the one that chose to step out and not be a part of their lives. HE is the one that cut off contact and support. HE is the one missing out. HE is the only one that can decide to come back in the picture and try to make things right with them.

The same with RC. although we may have had our disagreements, our problems were no where near anything that we could not have worked out, learned from and grew from. HE decided to leave, HE decided to cut off contact, HE decided to not know his daughter. Again HE is the only one that can decide to come back around and build that relationship with her.

I CAN NOT CONTROL them and make them be the men they should be and I CAN NOT make them be the dads I so wish my children had and want.

I also CAN NOT carry around the burden of their wrong doings as my own. What they are doing is NOT MY FAULT, I DID NOTHING WRONG. All I done was get me and my kids out of a very abusive relationship that I should of never gotten myself into. Then I helped a man raise his children and find his daughter that he had no relationship with. I DID NOT ask to be ABUSED. I DID NOT stand in the way of a father and their child, like a lot of women would of done and are doing. I have had the best interested of all the children involved in mind from the start in both situations. Rather they were mine or otherwise. I know I am doing right by my children and all that were involved and that I continue to do right by mine and provide and there for mine that is all that matters at this point. As long as I carry around what they did o are doing and own their wrong doings I will always feel this doom or gloom and weight of the world on my shoulders.

I told Bff about a week after that something was different, something happen that night. She said YES she said you too? I feel so different since that night I don’t know what it is. She said she felt very angry after that night. Angry at herself. Then she was angry with different people she had been talking to. She started standing up to them and not backing down and telling them no they were wrong and this isn’t right. She started really standing up to old boss her hubby from the transmission shop. He started about somethings she did the last couple weeks and not telling him first or asking him what to do or if she could or if it was okay and things. She just told him look it’s not like that anymore and I am on my own and I have to decide things around here, I can’t call you every few minutes or be worried about what you like or what. This effects me and the kids your not here.

The other day we were talking about it and she said since that night I just don’t care what anyone thinks anymore, if they get mad or don’t like it or what. She said I’m just like fuck it, it’s my life and I am taking control of it. I am deciding what goes on and what I do and how things are done.

She said I think there was something shown or revealed to everyone that night. I said I don’t know but I know I loss a lot that night and I fucked up with Sleeping Beauty that night but, I gained so much that night, it took a bit to see it and figure it all out but I do now. As bad as that night seemed at first it really wasn’t.

{February 28, 2019}   Moonshine Is Not My Friend

Last night was our night to go to Applebee’s but things didn’t go as planed. I got off my first job and called into my second job before that. I will explain more about that later. Since I wasn’t going to my second job I went and took the drive to pick up Sleeping Beauty.

We had all planed to go to get something to eat and then go to Applebee’s for a while. After I picked him up we went to Bff’s house to get her and help her with something quick. Why we were there getting ready to leave a friend of theirs came up. Sleeping Beauty use to stay with him and left because of everything going on. He is bad news, not someone he really needs to hanging out with. But anyway, we went out and was talking to him and he decides he wants to go that is fine but then he wants to go to the pool hall for a bit first. Okay fine we decide we will go there for a bit. Well Sleeping Beauty jumps in the truck and goes with him. Tells bff to ride with me and for us to go pick up her aunt. I was like just ride with me he wouldn’t. Then when we left the pool hall we went over to Applebee’s and this friend decides that he is ready to go right away and lets go back to his house and drink. We were all like no no lets just stay we are supposed to see if this guy shows up.

He gets up to go and Sleeping Beauty up and goes too. Now I am done. I am pissed he not said hardly two words to me since he showed up we played a game of pool that was it. I called him said something about he forgot to pay for his drink. He said something about not having it and shit. I said well I don’t know you need come take care of it and he said sorry we we are gone. I hung up and in a few minutes he text me and said you knew I didn’t have any money. I said what so I am your free ride? I shouldn’t of but I was upset. he said wtf you mean I told you I hadn’t seen him in a long time and hung out.

I said I come get you want to see you spend time with you and you practically ignore me. He said we are all talking and having fun. I said we have hardly seen each other hung out either. You couldn’t hand out he says and you jump. He is ready so everyone suppose to jump and go.

Then he says to me you need to calm down you are doing the same shit you did last time. I said last time? He said when we tried to date. I said I didn’t know we did. I sent him a voice clip because I was driving and I knew he would have to play it and everyone standing there. I said I don’t know what you mean about last time because we weren’t together and I told everyone that they were asking. Then in the end I got my ass chewed because I told everyone we were together. He didn’t respond to that at all.

Well then we were at this guys house the girls wanted to go over there I wanted to talk to him in person. He didn’t say two words to me hug me nothing. He wouldn’t even look at me hardly to start with. I just looked at him he knew I was pissed and right and I think he thought I was going to start shit right there. I didn’t, I don’t want everyone in it.

Well bff went to her house and got a jar of moonshine and they were passing it around. I said no because I needed to drive home I have never drank it and I wasn’t in the mood to drink at that point. I was ready to leave really. Bff’s aunt said just sip it try it. So I did it wasn’t good at all. They ended up going back to her house for something and bringing another jar back. She handed it to me and told me to try it. She said it was much better than the other. I tried it and it was good. They passed it back and forth a few times and then me and her started passing it between us and the rest were doing whatever. There was hardly anything gone out of the jar and I ended up drinking the whole jar. I was sitting there thinking about everything that was going on with me and him and that we are only a week in and is it worth it. I was thinking about my dad and this guy was talking about kids and being there for them and taking care of them and things. Sleeping beauty was talking about not getting to see his and how he wants to and they don’t want anything to do with him and things. I thinking about mine and how their dads are such assholes and won’t have anything to do with them and he is around the corner. I just drank it.

I have never in my life been so drunk I did not know what I was doing or what I did. Let me tell you don’t remember much of last night. They said I got mean and nasty with Sleeping Beauty and Bff. I was telling her aunt all kinds of things about my ex and the shit he use to do to me. I ended up puking over and over all of a sudden by where we were sitting. I guess everyone got up and ran. They said I was trying to stay the night with Sleeping Beauty and do things. He was telling me no he wasn’t doing that with me tonight I was drunk. She says while I was trying to get him to go in the house with me where he was going to stay someone said something about getting pregnant. As drunk as I was I told them hell no go get my purse I had something in there to keep that from happening. That should tell you how done I am that I really don’t want more kids.

Bff said she drove my truck around the block and to her house and I open the door because I was going to be sick and fell out. When we got to her house I was out sitting on the ground beside the truck with the door open leaning on it. They said the guy who’s house we were at came down and got me up and was trying to put me in the house. I guess I sat on the steps out front and sat there for like an hour. She said I was yelling at them not to touch me. I was texting Sleeping Beauty telling him to help me. He was telling me to go in the house. To let them help me. I told him I couldn’t move my body wouldn’t move. I couldn’t move, I wanted to and couldn’t. I guess once I got inside the fun continued for a bit. I woke up on a mattress in the kitchen wrapped in a blanket. Bff said she came in looked and my clothes were all around the mattress. She said she brought it out for me to sleep on she was worried I was going to get sick more so she stuck it there so she could clean it and not have it on her carpet. All I could do is laugh.

Never ever again will I ever drink that. I was feeling okay this morning she washed my clothes and I took a shower so I could come to work. Sleeping Beauty called her and ask her if she could run him to work about the time I got out of the shower. I told her tell him I was going right by there I would take him. He came down and sat while I was getting ready. We were all joking around with him.

We left I said what the hell did I do, he said it was bad. I said are you mad about me? He said no. I said yes you are, I just kept telling him I was sorry. He said your fine. I said no I feel so bad, I am so sorry. I stopped at the store and got a bottle of coffee I couldn’t even make my coffee this morning. I got a big bottle of water. I took him across the street to his job to drop him off. I told him come around to my side of the truck he did. He said I’m not kissing you, you something. I said what why? He said you got puke breath or mouth something like that. I said I have brushed my teeth washed my mouth out and everything else. He said oh no I don’t care it’s not been that long ago. I laughed. I said you don’t have to. I said are we alright? I said I’m sorry start over I’m really sorry. He said yeah gave me a hug and told me to get to work I was already late. I was because the truck wouldn’t start and we had to get it to start and then I still had to go to the store and drop him off. I was about 20 minutes late. Once we got the truck started and got going I had him message my boss just say the truck wouldn’t start I was on my way. They just said okay.

I guess while all this was going on my mother called had a fit I had to talk to her. They said I didn’t say anything bad. I have not been home since yesterday morning. Oldest had to take kids to school today. I feel horrible I never do shit like that not be there to take care of things like that.

et cetera
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