{April 15, 2019}   Is This A Test

I don’t know what to think about all this with Special K. I have not heard from since right before he got off Friday. But this isn’t unusual For him, like every other guy out there he just stops talking for days. But most the time not  if we are trying to get together. If I am wanting to come over or if he is wanting me to come over.

I keep going over and over everything that has been on my mind since last week. How do I really feel. what should I do about it, do I want to tell him, do I want to try to have more, why don’t I, why do I, what feelings are real, the ones I feel for him, the ones I felt or thought I felt for the other? What should I do where do I start, how do I get him to talk to me, see me?

I keep coming back to the through that he is seeing someone. I just had the thought did I say something? The other day when I said I could make it feel right. Should I have not said that? Did me telling him I was with someone make him think about things and change his mind? Or think about it and start to question why he keeps trying if he keeps getting turned down? Is he just going to say fuck you or to late?

What do I tell him? How do I tell him? Do I tell him I have been thinking and if he still would like to lets give it a try? Do I tell him why I have been pushing away so much or avoiding it and saying no? That he is my comfort or safe place and that I am scared of messing that up and being hurt more? Do I just see if he still wants to try more and just forget everything and go from there if he don’t ask or say anything?

I find myself looking at things different with him. I find myself thinking that if he isn’t interested in more, then just breaking it off and backing off like I had planed to start with. I find myself wanting to see him, wanting him to come pull me over to him, into him, I just want to hold each other and not let go. I want to know when we do that we are more than just “friends”. But don’t know that will happen.

I don’t know what to think about all that I have had running through my head the last 5 or 6 days. I don’t have anyone to bounce things off or or talk to things about and get a honest option about it all. I talked to Bff about it but she just says the same thing you two are so good together, he seems like a good guy, you should do it. I talked to her about all the thoughts I have had and was I avoiding him because of the way I felt? Was I more interested in the others because I was going in expecting that something might or would happen? But with him it seems more solid more real and more of a it will work out and I am scared of all that? She just says yeah it makes since.

I don’t want someone who is just going to agree or say the same thing no matter who I am talking about or with. I know she isn’t I know she means well. But she just hasn’t been there or get into it so in depth. I guess, she has really never had a relationship other than her hubby. They have been together since she was 16 and they only got together because she got in trouble and he was the only one she was allowed to see or talk to. Her dad was very controlling. It was kind of an arranged kind of thing if you really look at it and how she was raised and controlled.

I can’t go to my Good Friend that I haven’t talked to in so long because he don’t like Special K. He has made comments about us talking and things before. Special K is his ex wife’s boyfriend. Like I said here way back she tried to tell me all kinds of things about him until she knew how well I knew him. Who knows what she has said to him and he just like that. He don’t see why I am interested in Special K and not him. Plus we have not talked in a long time. I am kind of sad about that too but I am doing what I can hope we start talking again soon but he still isn’t the one to talk to about this. Although if it was someone different and we were talking he would probably be the best to talk to about it.

I have thought about contacting Special K and asking him if he would stop by and see me at work when he gets off today. He gets off at 4, I don’t get off until 5 and then have to run right to my other job. I don’t have time to stop and see him and talk. If he was to stop here we could have some time to talk. But I don’t know if this is a conversation I want to have or start and maybe have to leave before it is done. I just don’t know. I just want to get it out there and figure out and see where we are going to go from here or how we feel. I hate being in situations like this. Him not answering and not having time to go see him and things like that. If he was going to be up late I could stop by after work but if not then I couldn’t really see him until Thursday or Friday and I can’t see waiting that long. If I have to wait that long I have more time than I should have because I will figure out reasons to talk myself out of it and I don’t want to do that. I am moving forward in so many areas or most areas of life, I feel that I need to move forward in this area and that this needs worked out.

At times I feel like I am rushing into it, but I’m really not we have been doing this for how long now and he has tried how many times. I feel like how can I jump from one to the other. But I think like I said last week, what I really want wasn’t going to come from Sleeping Beauty I knew that but was hoping for something more than it could be. Because he is a good person and great with kids. But he has to many issues that I was over looking or in denial about because I figured if it didn’t work out it was okay because I knew he had issues it might not. That the real feelings I have or had are for Special K but I was projecting them on him because he was safer I wouldn’t get hurt or as hurt when it didn’t work out. I wouldn’t lose my friend. I have said all this. I guess I just need to get out of my head. Maybe I can find someone that will help or listen be sounding board give good advice.

Bff said Wednesday night I was going to give it up to him and tell him how much I love him when Sleeping Beauty asked what we were talking about. I had no idea that was what she was going to say. He said why are you crazy he stood you up tonight and your going to do that. I just said I knew why he didn’t come I understood. He asked why. I said because he didn’t have money to pay and didn’t want me paying for him. He asked why he didn’t have money. I said probably because has a car payment and just got into a house and has the bills for it. I haven’t talked to him in a month or two so who knows what else has been going on or what may have came up or happen. He just said oh. But really he didn’t stand me up he already told me he wasn’t coming or couldn’t come. I just was trying to get him to come.

I said to bff the other day when he said are you crazy or why when he has stood you up? I should of said I guess because I am stupid and didn’t learn my lesson when you done it to me. Your right thanks for pointing that out and where that leads to in the end no matter how much you are there for someone. But like I said he didn’t really stand me up and our relationship is different we have been doing whatever we are doing for years and he has made it clear he wants more 3 or 4 times. He gets after me for not letting him help me and things.

On the topic of helping me another reason I don’t know about or resist getting with him. He is a take charge, take care of things, handle it kind of person like RC and it is so hard for me to step back and let someone do that and even harder with the way things ended with me and RC after I did step back and let him take charge or handle things. I know he don’t want to rush in and make everything right or “take care” of me but just stepping back and letting someone else take control or the lead or having to work with someone and answer to someone, consider someone else when I decide to do things. I hadn’t even really thought about that part of things. I mean I have but not really. I haven’t thought about what that would really look like with him. I mean I have thought about it with others and some it never crossed my mind with him I am in the middle. It is just one of them things that you know you’er going to have to do but haven’t really put thought into what that looks like with them. With him I know like with RC it is going to be a lot of effort or thought that is going to have to go into how things are done and said. That isn’t a bad thing just something I have to work on more because I am not use to that. It is hard for me to do and to let go and let someone else or to think how is this person going to feel about that or are they going to be okay with this or I should talk to him first.

Why is there never anyone to talk to when you need them? Ugh well if you all have an opion or thoughts you would like to toss out there I would love to hear them. A lot of you have been here for this long crazy ride and I am sure probably have some thoughts on it all or that I am just crazy over all. That is okay too, I welcome any and all feedback.


{April 10, 2019}   Maybe He Is The One

Today when thinking about Special K I had the fleeting thought of why not just get together and give it a try. What is the worse that could happen? The thought left as quick as it came and I went on with the thought of I can’t do that.

Then I was writing my last post a few things I wrote made me stop and really think. Now I don’t know what to think or feel or why I want to call him but don’t want to call him.

He is my “safe” person, my comfort without getting to close or involved. I typed that and it was like a light bulb went on kind of moment. Am I resisting so much because he is “safe” and because the odds are it could work out and we could be happy? Is the reason I keep going after or more interested in these others because subconsciously I know it isn’t going to work out? That is okay with me because I am scared to get to close and end up hurt? With the others I’m looking at things different and going in with a different perspective than I am with him because of the way things are or have been?

With the others like Sleeping Beauty I know he has a problem and there could be issues and things but I was willing to give it a try and see if we could help each other out and go from there. But realistically knew that we may not end up being together long term even though I would like to be.

With Mr. Responsible I went and seen him interested but not really sure how I felt about him or more with him. Figured I just see where it went. No expectation of it working out.

Then others that I have talked to I knew pretty much upfront if I was interested in seeing if it went anywhere or just to be strictly nothing more than just friends that is it.

But with Special K we have built a relationship of sorts, and here we are all these years later and he has tried how many times to get me to be more so there is something there. I never thought we would be doing what we are all these years later. But here we are and he is still trying to get me to be more and he is working on things in his life more and trying to have more or do better. Am I pushing him away and making excuses because I am afraid of losing my “safe” person, my comfort person? Because if it didn’t work for some reason it would effect me and hurt me because of the relationship we have.

Have I put to much thought into it and come up with so many reasons or excuses because I am afraid of how things may turn out and getting hurt. Because again being very honest sitting there talking and hanging out and laying there with him at different times I have had to stop myself from telling him I love him. I just sit there or lay there and think and why are we doing what we are doing? Why aren’t we together? Why do you keep telling him no and pushing him away? Then my brain says because of this and because of that and don’t you remember he said this or that before? He is just like the rest just telling you what you want to hear. But is he really because we been doing this for so long now. Really think about it he has the best set up right now. He gets it when he wants it or we can get together and has not responsibility or obligation or anything else, free to see others get in a relationship with someone else if he wants or whatever. But he still keeps asking to have more. Now I write all that and there goes my brain over thinking it looking to much into it. It’s saying why dose he want more? He does have a good set up right now why does he want you? Why does he want more with you. Has it all been self sabotaging all along? Am I really that messed up and jaded from all I have been through? Have I not made any progress at all from where I was when I got out of it all and where I am today? Is this normal? This isn’t normal? It can’t be normal right?

{September 13, 2018}   I Work To Much For Him

After thinking of what I came here to post to start with last night I fell a sleep before I could write the post. I made sure to write down the title before I did so that I would at least know what I planed to wright about.

I was thinking about work and finding a new job and trying to find something that I am not there all the time day and night like I have been with this one. How the kids always want to know if I am going to be there to spend time with them, do something with them or what. How I never have free time for myself. How am I ever going to meet someone when all I do is work and don’t even have time for my kids? Then things Sleeping Beauty has said to me started popping into my head. And there was that ah ha moment.

Sure he has been working on himself and trying to get his life straight. But he has still been making comments and things as well.

When we first started talking I just started the job selling health insurance the second time and was working 14 days straight and going to school and working the shop. I remeber talking to him one evening from the insurance job and something being said about finding him a women. He said he had but she was busy working hard right now or something along those lines. Other times after that he said things about how much I work or when I work. Then the last few weeks we have been talking and things he started making comments about how much I work again. He ask what I was doing this or that night. Then said let me guess working? Then another night. I said I work x,y,z days and then fill in a lot of the others. He said lazy ass. Joking and said call in and take a night off we can go do something.

He is lucky at the shop he worked 8 to 5 Monday-Friday and once in a while over time on Saturday and most the time it was half days. He was off holidays. This job he works 10 to 6 Monday-Friday and right now he is working 9 to 3 Monday-Friday. Again off weekends and Holidays. I don’t have that option right now. I have to take what I can get and make it work. Unfortunately most the time when he is off I am working. I go in at 1 or 2 and work until anywhere from 9:30pm and 2am. So we really don’t have time to get together hardly and with the distance between right now and him not driving makes it even harder.

But he should know that I make time if I have a reason to or need to. He should also know that at some point once I meet someone and we decide it is going to work and we end up living together that I can be a little more picky about what jobs I take and what kind of hours I work. Because then there will be two of us in the house to help take care of bills and needs. I could work less hours maybe.

I think between how far apart we are and my hours vs his has a lot to do with things. Honestly it is one reason I had kind of just forgot about it for a while. I didn’t have time to run back and forth. I did but really did not feel like it. But would of because if you want something you just make it work. I can’t say I blame him but it just sucks. I had pretty much just given up on meeting anyone for the time being. But now I am not working as much maybe things will change I will meet someone or something will happen. That maybe I can find something with decent hours and days.  I don’t think he is looking at it as a bad thing he knows I do what I have to and just trying to get by. But like me looking at it relisticly and figures why add the stress on either side. I figure if it happens it happens if iwe are supposed to be together we will end up that way. If not we will still be friends.

With not being around the last few days and then dumping a few post back to back just about. I do not remember if I told you all that as of Monday I have lost 7 lbs in just over a week. I maybe down more today but I have not checked. I don’t check often. But I know I checked last week and then Monday at my friends her scale was sitting there so I figured why not?

I am now below 160 lbs. I am very happy. I want to be back at 120/130lbs. I will probably wait until Froday or the weekend to check again. I really haven’t been trying to lose it and had gained some back. But being back at work and back to eating more normal for me has made a huge difference. Because when I am working I eat once a day. And not as much as I do when I am home.

{June 10, 2018}   Need a Man

Last night while I was finally looking at the truck trying to check the headlights Starfish messaged asked what I was doing. I told him changing the bulbs and trying to see if we could aim them.

We finished and I headed home. It hadn’t taken us long so I messaged him on my way home. I was aggravated not having help with my truck, being alone, just wanting the closeness and support. I said I need a man! He sent back I need a women. I said I’ve just about given up. He asked why.

I said because all these guys just want to be “friends” or hang out see where it goes. None are into more. He said so are you ladies. I said no. He like yes.

I said okay so maybe some but these guys act like its all a game or something. Or they come in wanting to take care of everything, pay everything buy you things and your supposed to be impressed and fall all over them. I’m not into all that.

He never responded. We have talked a little bit since then but none of that came up after I said that.

I said it too because I wanted to see what he would say. I figured he get quiet like he did the other night when I said I was looking for more. But I’m sure he is thinking about it all too.


{January 31, 2015}   I have Decided

I have decided I don’t really care at this point and time what my friend may or may not want. Does it really matter we are both adults so what ever we do don’t really matter. We both know what we are doing and no one is forcing anyone to do anything so I’m not really going to think about it or worry about it.

I tried to stop by his place the other night I went out for a little bit. I had to pick up the kids meds and was going to run to the store. He had given me his address and told me to stop by if I wanted to. But I couldn’t find his place. I went up and down the street 3 times. I seen the numbers before his and after but not his. It was hard for me to see the addresses in the dark. By the way the addresses were going I tried to figure out what one was his but couldn’t. The one or two I thought might be his had a bunch of cars parked around it. The others didn’t look like anyone was home or up and I knew he was up and there. He told me he be home the night. I started to stop at this one now I am glad I didn’t because it was wrong place.

I might go by tomorrow evening depending on how tomorrow turns out.

et cetera
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