{September 23, 2019}   Worried About My Boys

Last week bff called me and told me that she seen on R.C’s ex father in laws page that his wife died. I didn’t even know that she was sick or had been. I hadn’t really looked at their pages in a long time. I look once in a while and look at pictures and save them for my Little Bitty. She don’t know she has brothers or sisters but I want her to. I plan to tell her, but I don’t know when or how. It will probably be in the not to far future. She has made comments about her dad having other kids but hadn’t put the two together. I don’t know what will happen once we go to court once we get a date. But I am sure that things will probably come up.

I do not know how things are or have been with the boys and their mother. I don’t know if she has been doing okay or not. I know she had another baby around the time I had Little Bitty. That guy wasn’t in the picture and she was staying with her mom. I know they seem to be doing pretty good there. But I think at one point she had moved out and they may not have been talking by somethings that her mom had posted on her profile. But then someone told me that she had been staying there and helping with her mom since she been sick.

But I know that someone else passing away was when she started taking pills and ended up hooked on them. Even if she has been doing good all this time and things her being there taking care of her mom through this and then her passing I am worried this could push her over the edge. Her step dad is back over seas working like he has been the last 7 or 8 years. She passed on the 29 of August he got in town that day or night and left around the 17 of September. I don’t know if he has plans of coming home to stay at any point or not. I am guessing probably not if he didn’t all this time that his wife was here and sick and things. There isn’t really anything to come home to.

But at this point the boys really have no one to look out for them and take care of them if she don’t or gets back on something. I worry where they are going to go or what is going to happen with them. I kind of wish that I had reach out sooner and tried to let them have a relationship with them. Maybe it would have worked out and at least I would be seeing them and know if something was happening or going on. I don’t know at least give them someone to talk to come to for help if it happens.

I don’t know how the kids are doing or handling all this either because they were all so close to her. If she is in any state of mind to help them deal with it all either. I worry about that as well.

I don’t know if she is online or post much because I never see anything from her. Once in awhile he will post something but not often since he isn’t home. Most the time the things I got were from the moms page. I may watch and see when he is going to be home again and reach out to him about getting the kids together. See what he says. I honestly hadn’t up to this point because of the mother. I didn’t want to get involved with her and the way she is. I figured she would tell her not to. Just the way she was in the past.

{June 10, 2019}   My Letter Came

The letter from child support enforcement for the DNA test me and Little Bitty have to go take. I came home to it Friday. It is for the 20th of this month. But they told me as soon as I got it we could come in anytime between getting it and the date on the letter. Since the little ones are in Summer school last week and this week we are going this Friday since their last day is Thursday. Then it is just waiting for him to go to his local office and have his done. I hope he has went or goes soon and don’t wait until the last minute. It takes two or three weeks from the time of the last test. Then they will mail it to all of us.

Once we get the test back we should get a date to go in and figure everything out of a court date to do it. I think they will try to just sit down with each of us at our local offices and do the paperwork and start it as long as we both do everything we are supposed to or asked to. At this point the test is there all there is to figure out is how much ee each are responsible for. And they will go back two years to collect as well. But there really isn’t anything to fight or contest either.

The only thing we may run into problems with is the “parenting plan” as they call it. Because she don’t know him and he isn’t getting her for weeks or months at a time for now. I don’t know if he is going to push seeing her or that kind of thing. I am going to let him know she wants to know him and have a relationship and the ball is in his court if he wants to call her and come see her.

My thing now is how to explain everything to her? If he don’t want to see or talk to her how do I handle that with her. I need to get her back into therapy. It is going to be an eventful week/weekend after doing this test with her. Even more eventful next few months with all this going on.

{April 9, 2019}   A New Phone & Ramblings

Yesterday the one owner asked if the other ever got me and new phone or ordered the one I showed them. I told him no and he said he was going to the phone store to get one right then. He said he thought he could get one cheaper or even free probably. He asked what I was looking for or wanted. I said just something LG is fine. I asked him if he needed my phone to take with him he said no. He said they would put a new card and everything in. He said everything will start coming to that phone so I will bring it right back here as soon as I get it done. The one I wanted had sold out online anyway. I just needed a phone so I wasn’t to worried about it.

He brought it back and it was the other one I was looking at since the one I wanted was sold out. It was the same price so it worked out pretty good. I ordered a new phone case for it today, well two cases for it today and the glass screen protectors. The one case is supposed to be here tomorrow and the other and screen protectors Thursday. I just had them shipped here to work since this is where I am going to be and won’t be home until tomorrow night. It isn’t anyone’s business what I spent or ordered.

The bitch will start. She is already starting that I owe her all this money. Telling me I owe her $750 that she paid me back she said she owed Father of The Year. Now she says no wait he owed me money I shouldn’t of given it to you you need to pay that back to me now. Says she had a stroke and didn’t know what she was doing I knew and took advantage of her. What the Fuck? No doctor has ever said she had a stroke she is google doctor herself and just wants everyone to feel sorry for her. She don’t have the money and now thinks someone else should give it to her. I don’t care if it gets her out of my house I will give it to her. I truly don’t care anything about the money she says now I owe her a ton more after not paying me for months and saying that she is taking it off what I owe her. But I owe her nothing because I haven’t borrowed what she says I have.

Even the kids say mom what is she talking about you had money or we didn’t money from her for that. Mom you had money we did this or that we didn’t even do that. I just tell them not to worry about it we know what is right let her say what she wants it’s just a matter of time she will be out we did the right thing the bigger person didn’t let her be homeless she the one that shit on everyone treated everyone like shit she is the one that is going to remember and pay in the end. Because my brother and my sister will not have anything to do with her. They don’t want her over or to take her places or help her. My sister will every once in a while. My brother talks to her on the phone when he has something going on in his life he wants everyone to know about that is it. She is already to the point she can’t do a lot so she says. She is going to need someone to take care of her and she is going to need help once she moves out until she needs someone all the time. I do not know what she is going to do because I am not helping her. I am blocking her from calling or being able to have any kind of contact with us at all. I will not put myself out there to help her again. I don’t care if she has to go to a home or find someone to live with her or what to take care of her. I just don’t care I can’t stand to have her around in the same room house or even talk to her on the phone. I just want her out of our lives once and for all. I have done and done for her no one else will or would and she has done nothing but make life miserable still time for her to be miserable for a change. I know they will be calling me if or when something goes wrong because I am the oldest and next of kin I am going to tell them do what you have to do want to do or ask the other two because I do not care and refuse to do anything or make any decisions for her let them. Whatever they decide and do is fine with me.

She has done nothing but call and message blowing up my phone over stupid shit trying to tell me how much extra money i have and how much I can afford to give her every week to get her paid back. She has no idea what i am making or how much I owe out and what is behind on the bills and things. She has no idea about anything.

Now she is blowing it up because she missed a call and when she calls it back it is child protective services. So now someone has called on me who would it be and now they are calling her to ask questions and everything. She has no idea anything she didn’t talk to them they didn’t leave a message. If someone called why would they be calling her? They don’t call you they just come out and talk to you. They don’t call others they contact the parent. They wouldn’t contact her anyway because they can see from back before when she called it all turned out to be false reports and that she kept calling and calling trying to talk to them tell them how to do their job and tell them more and more things because they didn’t do anything said it was unfounded and she got mad. They said they could see that she was just trying to get what she wanted and making things up and things. So why would they decide we haven’t talk to the kids or any of the parents lets talk to the one that tried to cause problems before and wouldn’t stop calling even after we told her to and then had other people calling to “report” things they “knew”.

I told her I didn’t care I wasn’t worried about it. If they really wanted something I guessed they would call me or come out. She said and maybe take the kids blah blah. I said I don’t know nothing I can do until they contact me or do what they are going to do can’t and won’t stress over something I have no clue about and don’t even know if they are trying to get me or not. She got all mad. You better you just don’t care blah blah. I said okay. Because we all know no one ever dials a wrong number or that they could be calling for any number of reasons. Not like she don’t know anyone else with kids or anything like that. Like I said they haven’t talked to me the kids or anything I really don’t think she would be the first they decided to contact if something really was going on.

Just her being her, if someone called it probably was her and they would be calling her back to follow up with whatever she reported once it went to someone. So telling me they called just incriminated herself if they have been called on me. It might just backfire because when they talk to my kids and they all say grandma this, grandma that, grandma does, grandma says, grandma threatens, they may just tell her she has to leave and can’t be in the house with them. Then what is she going to do because she has no where to go.

{December 2, 2018}   Just Keep Her Comfortable

This last week the one owner and his dad Pop’s have not been there. Pop’s wife was supposed to be taken to the cancer center or hospital over across the state this last week. I was glade the owner was with them because the dad is very confused about things.

Then the other owner came in a few times and helped or just to check in. From what I gathered she was still at the hospital in town not far from the shop. She went in the day before Thanksgiving. I am not 100% sure but what I am thinking.

Friday the guys came in one thats been there this week got there first he just went to work. The other one came in they talked back and forth a second the first one that came in said bye i said bye. The other said HI, BYE as he popped his head around the corner. I said good morning bye guys have a good day. They left and I didn’t hear from them the rest of the day.

Later it was just about time for me to leave and I thought I haven’t been paid, it’s Friday. I started to call one of them but figured I would just wait they were probably on their way and walk in any minute or call to make arrangements to pay me. In a little bit the one that hasn’t been there and a guy came in. They came into the shop before you get to my office. I had some questions and a few things to tell him. I waited until they weren’t really talking and called out to him got up to walk out there. I didn’t see him on tv I turned came around he was there handed me money. He said I’m so sorry I forgot it was Friday and forgot about paying you. I smiled said its alright I’m here until 5 either way. I figured you would be back or get a hold of me. He looked surprised I wasn’t mad. I needed it but could have worked it out until Monday or met them later when they got back in town. Its been a stressfull week a lot going on.

I asked him something about setting up their calls he said things should be closer or pretty much back to normal him there come Monday. He said they finally got his mom home the day before or that day.

I said oh good did they take it out or just do the biopsy so far? He said they can’t take it out at this point all they can do is make her comfortable.

I was floored, I didn’t know what to say to him. I said I’m so sorry, I said it is such a hard thing to go through and deal with. I said we went through it with my grandpa and seen a friend of the family go through it. He said really? I said yeah it’s hard and sad, I’m sorry. He was messing with something on the desk he put it down said have a good weekend see you Monday. I just said see you monday. He left, i locked up shut stuff down did my drop and left.

I feel so bad for them. I don’t know what to say or do. I don’t look for Pop’s to be back in for a while. Maybe at all, if so probably once in awhile here and there. This is hard really hard on him and if something happens it is going to devastate him. I don’t know if he be in any shape to come back. If so not for awhile.

{November 10, 2018}   Raising Hell Again

She has been at it again. I work up Thursday with her arguing with Big Boy. Then come in my room yelling at me that I better do something with him how he talks to her and blah, blah on and on. I just told her not to come in there and start with me and start yelling at me and she got all mad she wasn’t yelling him this and that. I said you started on him, your minding his business and yelling at him. No I’m not she screams, that she is going to call the police because of him yelling at her and slamming doors. I said there is nothing they are going to do. Yes there is he can’t just do that you need to teach him better. I said it’s funny your the only one he dose it with. Because you don’t make him do anything I am the only one that does. I said I don’t have to make him do anything I tell him and he does it or better yet I ask him then if he don’t I tell him. I don’t scream yell, and tell him what he better do and that he better do it right now this way and stand over him why he does it. I said you have no reason to be telling him to do anything or to be yelling at him and doing what you are doing and if you were at anyone else house you wouldn’t be with their kids either you aren’t here and if you do and he talks to you that way that is on you. You have no say. Then she starts about when she calls the police they will make me do something with him blah blah bullshit. I said whatever your crazy and you may just get to see who see’s what if you want to do that and try to cause problems here. I already told you I will bring down anyone and everyone if you even try to start shit for me. I am not worried because I know I have done nothing wrong and there is nothing anyone is going to do or say because there is nothing wrong. But I know that the rest can’t say that.

I get home after working both jobs and go to bed, with in hours I am woke up with her raising hell with my oldest. All over one of them cleaned up from the dog being sick hours earlier then they went out just then and put the clothes in the drier out of the washer. Mind  you they had washed probably a million times since they cleaned it up they used paper towels, they have been to the bathroom so had to wash their hands eaten dinner washed their hands before and after so their hands were more than clean. It had been HOURS. But she is freaking out they need put back in the washer and rinsed. What good is rinsing them going to do if they have something on them from when they did this I do not know. If they are dirty from this like you say then I would think they would need to be rewashed to get them cleaned. But she is raising hell she had better go take them out put them in the washer and rinse them right this minute. Again I tell her they are fine they don’t need done to leave her alone and stop raising hell in my house. She starts about how dirty it is and how she don’t want to catch something from what they just did because she has to wash her clothes out there too. How she has this horrible infection on her face now and can’t get rid of it. Looks like pimples to me and it comes and goes like pimples and it is so horrible she has never once tried to go to the doctor about it to see what it is. If it is something so horrible and she caught it from drying her clothes in the drier, touching things in the house or just being in the house like she says then why hasn’t some of the rest of us caught it? We are so filthy and dirty like she say, and how did she catch it when she washes her hands for 20 minutes every time she touches something? We wash like normal people and we are not sick and don’t have anything wrong.

Last night she starts about eating she hasn’t eaten in days hardly. I don’t know how many days it has been but it is not my problem. She is a grown adult with a truck and knows other people besides me to do for her. I have been in and out of the house every day and to the store about everyday and she always says she don’t want anything or makes and excuse. Don’t know what it was the other night she didn’t get anything. Then last night she ask me to stop on my way home and get her something from the chicken place. This after I told her I was not going to go to the store for her anymore at all in the middle of the night when I was woke up because of her raising hell over the washer. I say okay but by the time I get there they are closed. I figure she should know this she sits at home on her computer looking these places up trying to decide what she wants and from where. Then she says well where else is there? I say such and such back across town where I just came from and that is about it that I know of. She says forget it she guess she don’t want anything. I ask if she wants something from there or not I am over there not going back. She won’t even get on the phone that is fine with me but it is aggravating. She tells oldest no tell me forget it she didn’t want anything it has been days now but she don’t know where there is to get as late as it is, something about me going to work and everything. Like I am supposed to be there at her call to get her something. She then waits until she knows I am over the bridges and about home to call me and say something. I told her just that I was already almost home now. She started about me saying something about it being back across town and not wanting to go. I said I also ask what you wanted before I got this far so I could go back then. You ask for stuff from places knowing what time it is and don’t bother to see if they are open or how late they are going to be open no I don’t want to run back and forth across town when you could check and I could go to one place and not backtrack ten times. Well whatever I guess I will go. I said okay bye and hung up. I was not going back across two towns to get her food and coming back again at that point. I picked oldest up to go to the store ask if she wanted something from there. They have cold subs and things if your hungry you will get something. but she can’t eat them they had a recall on something that is on them them months ago so they are contaminated. She can’t cook in the microwave because it is contaminated even though it has been bleached out a zillion times. The kitchen has been bleached down I don’t know how many times but it isn’t fit for her to cook in. Then I guess she will be hungry. It isn’t good enough for her because it isn’t bleached down every night. We cook we eat we use our kitchen we wipe it down every night to get the stuff up. Sometimes oldest don’t and I have to get her to when I get home but it isn’t like it is so dirty you can’t cook in it.

I got home talked with the kids a bit and went to bed. In a little while I hear her in there telling oldest something. Then I hear her say if I pass out and don’t come to before someone gets here to help tell them I haven’t been able to eat for days now or hardly eat in days my sugar levels are probably rock bottom low that is what is wrong with me. Something about drinking a soda or something to help keep it up there some. She was just like oh okay she stomped off went back to the bedroom. I didn’t say anything or even go out there. I’m not playing her game. I do not care if she sits there and don’t eat for a month if she gets sick and has to call them to come and get her and she can tell them all she wants that she hasn’t eaten. They are going to look at her and go is that your truck out there? Is that your phone? Have they been to the store and could of picked you something up? You are able to get up walk around. You could of gotten in your truck and went to get something, you could of called one of your other kids to come bring you something or to take you to get something. You really feel that you are being mistreated you could of called us before now. Just to much that she can try to say what she wants and try to get something started anyway she can there are to many holes in her her tries it is laughable. Plus every doctor she has been to has commented on her mental state or her mental health and she told me the other day they have in her records before that she denies an eating disorder so whatever she was to try and pull would just re enforce what they already think about her not reflect on me. It will probably help me get her out of my house as well.

I try not to fight with her and just ignore her but when she starts on the kids and things I can’t not say anything. If she don’t eat or whatever it isn’t my problem. But when it comes to them I have to step in at times. We all 5 have talked about it and how she has a mental illness and that unless she gets help for it she is going to be this way. That it is on her not us and that we can’t force her to get help but that we do have to sit back and let her treat us the way she is. Ignore her for the most part but when she gets like she does demanding, yelling and screaming you can’t just give in and do what she wants when there is no reason for it.

It is sad that people walk around this way and there is nothing that you can do to make them get help. But then there is that fine line of how much can you make someone do before it is taking their rights away. But if they are ill like this and not thinking right and living an unhappy life should we not step in? She knows something is wrong but she don’t think this not buying, cooking or eating food in the house is because of whatever is wrong, she don’t think that needing to rinse things because of germs is normal and we are all the one with the problem. She knows everything and all that. So I guess if she wants to live in a bubble and be unhappy the rest of her life she can do it because once she is out of my house I am not going to be around her anyway. I know I have mental health problems but mine don’t affect others I live unhappy and miserable and deal if I don’t or can’t take my meds. If or when it starts affecting others then I do something about it. She just looks at it as everyone else has the problem and she is fine nothing at all wrong with her. But she is the one that no one at all wants to or will help. The one that don’t really have friends and who don’t leave the house or have anything. She just can’t seem to see this. Oh well it is her life she just needs to get out of my house and forget who me and my kids are and leave us alone to live our lives and hope that her other kids step up and help her or she figures out how to do it herself since there is nothing wrong with her and it is everyone else. Guess I better go reset these rooms and get ready for these groups getting ready to come in.


{October 11, 2018}   This Bitch Has To Go

I can’t keep living like this with her the kids are misreable and unhappy. I was to a point that I felt nothing toward her no love really no hate, but right now it is to the point I can’t say I feel anything for her but hate and discuss and that I want her gone and that I do not care how or why. I don’t care if something happens to her or she leaves because she wants to. Either one would be 100% fine with me. I hate her being here, I hate and despise everything to do with her. I can’t stand to even have to see her, speak two words to her or even just her presence in the house without even having to see her gets to me. Even when no one is home me all the kids are out just knowing she is in my house bothers me. It feels like I am sharing my house with Satan himself anymore. When she is out I will be blocking her from my phone and the kids phone, I will block her from contacting everyone in everyway possible down to social media. If she shows up at my house no one will be answering the door to her, if she don’t go away or cause a problem I will call the police and have her truspassed, after that I will get a restraining order if I have to. You can not be nice to someone like her or help her it is her way or no way and I am done.

You all know how I told you she didn’t pay me for months and months because I “owed” her money. Then when it was all said and done and figured out she owed me and then still needed $300 from me. Now tonight she says that never happen and she never got the $300 from me. Now how I owe her $1200. Funny back when this was all figured it was like $123? Something or $126? Something she owed me. So I had the $1200 she owed the rest and then got $300 on top of that. But now she swears I owe her $1200 I have supposedly borrowed just since August/Sepetember. I know I “owed” her maybe $100 where a few times we took the kids out to dinner and I should owe that because we would not of went if she had not threw a huge fit and started a big fight. Then it was I could give it back to her after the first of the year. Then there was a couple times they have gotten stuff out or went out her treat and now she is charging me for it. Other stuff she has taken upon herself to buy when we did not need it I already had it it just wasn’t good enough or clean enough or not what she wanted. So she bought what she wanted now thinks I should pay for it. So she has started not paying rent again. Says she is “paid” up until past time she thinks she will be moving out. I have never wished bad on anyone but I wish something would happen that would get her out of my house and it don’t seem that it is very likely it is going to be good but hey whatever it takes at this point it takes.

Just like they were talking about this storm hitting she like I don’t know if I should call and hold a few motel rooms for us or not. I said not for us because we are not going anywhere, its hitting on the other coast and more north in the pan handle. Right in on your stupid you don’t care about these kids and to stupid to know what it could do here how bad the outer winds are going to be. Blah blah blah on and on and she thought she was going to call somewhere hold a couple. She would of lost her money and wanted me to pay for that even knowing I said we were not going.

She kept asking what I was going to do about the rent what was I going to do about it where was I going to go. I finally told her my truck I did not have it and had no where to go left it at that. I did not tell her I was trying to leave state it was none of her business number one and number two I still had no where to go there either so I still be in my truck. She said she guess she was going to be in hers too. I just said okay. She started something about me not caring about her or the kids and things. I said look I am doing best I can I have me and them to worry about I can’t do for anyone else. While she pulls I have to stay in my truck bs it was all a lie. She done told me earlier I better see if I could stay with bff and she was going to my sisters but she didn’t have room for us how she was going to have to sleep on the couch as it was. It was fine by me because I would not of went there anyway I would of went somewhere and stayed in my truck. But her having to sleep in her truck just a poor her I should figure something out. I didn’t and it pissed her off big time. Well the 3rd rolled around I still wasn’t trying to do anything acording to her. All of a sudden it was here is the $200 for rent give it back to her Friday. I don’t care I give it back to her I pay everyone back one reason I can’t get ahead. I told her I had $100 that it. Now lights going off because I gave her the $100 now she pays it but give her it and the other back when I get paid this week. Knowing I need pay other bills. But it her way have control and she can tell others see she can’t pay her bills i paid them and forget to say how she hasn’t paid rent in months and had she I could of.

Why do the good people, the helpful people, the people who care and do love get taken so soon while people like her get to live and make everyone miserable? The only one who will help you and take you in this is how she does. She already made comment about i don’t need to pay my phone the money needs to go on the bills. How i should not have paid on my guns. When i paid on them as far as I knew i had the money for the bills. She made the comment how she was going to make sure I did not have money to pay my phone I didn’t need it and they did not need theirs. I could take theirs and use. That is just so that they have no way to get a hold of me when I am not here and she can do what she wants or make them they have no way to call anyone if they need to. That isn’t going to happen. She told my oldest again the other day she was going to smack her over something. I told her before put a hand on one of them I will press charges. I told oldest if she puts a hand on one of them to call the police then me. I will press charges so fast her head will spin and I will not drop them and she already has battery charges from the past on her while she tries to act like she so good anyone who has anything is the worse of the worse and shouldn’t be allowed to walk amongst us.

I am going to see about housing tomorrow and going to ask them how can I get her out ASAP.

She come in here yelling having a fit like a little kid that I had better turn my celling fan off right now or “she” is not paying anymore bills here this is why the light bill is close to $200. My lights run about $125 give or take a few dollars when she is not here. Kids are kids they leave lights on all over all the time when we are up. I keep the air on 77 at night and 79/8 0 in the day. She has done nothing but bitch about the air settings since she been here. To high in the day to cool at night. Anyone else comes in my house stays the night says air is to high at night they are hot. They also say they are hot in the day. So day maybe little warm for her but I can not afford to run it at 77 all day and when you do it don’t shut off ever. It can go lower than 79 if it gets to warm they put it on 78. But most times below 79/80 more than a few minutes we are cold and turning it up. At night we are fine with 77 sometimes we go to 76. We all run a fan at night so helps with not having to turn air lower it keeps it cool. My bill is still $125. We also turn every light inside and outside of my house off at night. It is pitch black dark in and out nothing on.

She is always turning air down lower day and night. Screams 77 is to cold but all week we have woke up freezing and soar throats to find the air on 75/74. Never do we have it that low. 74 in winter i turn heat on. She has the front porch light on from time it gets dark, carport light and the light in the back yard until someone remembers to turn them off if I do. I get in a hurry i don’t go out that area i don’t think of it. Then she will wash one load of clothes 2 to 3 times then dry it 3 or 4 times. Sits up night and day on her computer with the light on. But my fan and the boys fan and light being on over night is what all of a sudden caused my light bill to go to $200. Because don’t we all know that those two things started using 10x the power all of a sudden and none of that other stuff has anything to do with it. Oh i even have a deep freeze in the laoundry room plugged in all the time and never have bills that high. I guess they made my water bill go up to not her washing the same load of clothes 20x or washing her hands 30x in a row. We got in a big fight about it to night its all two fans and one lights fault. But there is nothing at all mentally wrong with her and everyone else has the problem.

I just want to go ripped her stuff out of the bedroom sling it all out in the street and tell her to get out with it. But she won’t go she knows the laws and all so I would just get in trouble cause more problems for myself. I am just so aggervated. Tonight I said I was turning in an app for housing. She had a fit about that. When was I going to tell her like I am supposed to tell her everything i do like i am 5. She better be told about this stuff. Where was she going to go? I said i hadnt talk to the people i told her as soon as i knew if or when we were going to be moving but i had no idea if i would even get something. That i would probably go on a list for who knows how long.

Then she telling me how I’m not going to get help from them, this place don’t do that, I don’t know what I am talking about, they only help for a few days or weeks then where am i going to go on and on. Then how she just looked it up. I said show me. She pulls some site up shows me that is not there site it is just talking about one of many services they offer not the one i am applying for. I show her she is not on their site it is a different service then she has to keep trying to prove her point keeps digging finds their site see’s it says what I said such and such housing. She like oh there that maybe. Now she been shown she is wrong she has to have something to find wrong with it or prove me wrong. So it was back to i don’t care about my kids the places they give you isn’t safe to live or leave the kids alone at. I walked off and went to bed didn’t say a word to her. Then in a minute she telling me how I am wrong again I have to be homeless or they will not help me and I have to be sent by somewhere else or they won’t. Wrong again I seen that too somewhere on their site but it was not talking about the program i am trying to get into.

I am trying to get into a program that my rent and bills will be lower because it is affordable housing for struggling people like me. To help them get on their feet. I just want it long enough to finish school so I can get a decent job and get off of all help. A year maybe year and a half. I can’t work full time two or three jobs and go to school and do internships. If my rent was less and included my water and lights then maybe I could work part time and go to school or even if I worked full time and went one job should cover it all. Not like now where one full time job don’t cover everything in a month so I am having to work two jobs 7 days a week. That don’t work and going to school and all school needs.

I just hope something works they say they can help and the list is not to long. But like I told the lady Tuesday even if they can not help now and don’t have anything open maybe if the have to put me on a list they will be to me by the time i have to sign a new lease if i can keep scrapping by here until then. Because when I sign a new one my rent will go up $50 to $100. There is no way I can pay that at this rate. She said because I have a child with a disability and I am a single mom with 4 kids I would get bumped up on the list some if i meet income requirements for them to help me. I think the amount of income vs. the amount of your monthly cost to live bumps you to if your income is so low or to low. The fact i have a job and trying to do better helps too. She said a lot of times when they get to people on the list they no longer meet the guidelines, they do not have good contact information for them or they have moved out of the state or county so you move up faster that way. She said they had a 3 bedroom they just had to make people get out of and are reduing that I could maybe get it if I hurry and get in there and they have not called someone on the list and given it to them all ready and i met the requirements. I was to sick earlier to go but am going in the morning as soon as i come from taking kids to school.

Wow did not plan to wright all that but I am so mad i had to get it out some where. If it had not been here who knows what would of happen here at home tonight because i am just about in one of those I don’t care moods. If she got this far cross your fingers that this place can help me tomorrow and that it is sooner than later. She also ask me where I wanted to live in the county? I told her one city south of me or as far north of me as they covered I would be fine with. I just really did not want to go south and if I had to not any further than that city but north anywhere was fine. She said she did not blame me she would not want to go south either and that they pretty much only cover my area and north. That a lot of people do not want to move from x area that they are in if what they have open is not in their area they skip them on the list as well the fact I was willing to go wherever helped my placement on the list as well. I said my area is not great and if they are willing to help me I need the help to bad and grateful for what they can do and if moving areas is what it takes it is the least i can do to have a chance to be able to get on my own feet and do for myself and my kids. Moving area is nothing for what they are offering what we would get.

{September 6, 2018}   Can’t Sleep

I didn’t sleep all day, then took a 2 hour nap when the kids got home from school. I wasn’t planing to but laid on the bed a minute waiting for oldest to do something. That was it.

Now It is 11pm and I am still awake. I am tired but can’t fall a sleep. To much on my mind I think. Stress with dealing with my mother. Stress of not working and waiting to hear back from jobs, stress from my house being turned upside down and not being able to do anything about it. I have a lot I need and want to do but you can’t make a move without her telling you what and how to do everything and it turning into a huge fight. Stress of wanting to meet up and talk to my friend and not being able to. I hope we do Saturday but I wasn’t able to talk to him today to make plans. Stressed about how thats going to go if we will finally talk about things or what he is really thinking and how that will turn out if we do get to talk. And there is a huge amount of stress still from dealing with Father of the Year. I feel like I stay amped up anytime he is back in the picture any way shape or form.

I feel like my thoughts and heart are racing a 100mph or more that I can’t make it stop. I feel like my body is moving almost and I am laying still. I feel like I should be doing something. I don’t know what but something. I guess all I need to do but I haven’t been. A huge weight would be lifted if she would get out and I could redue the house. Pray she gets out soon.

{August 31, 2018}   Went To Bed Early

By 7:43pm me and the little ones were climbing into bed. By about 8:10 we all had went to sleep. I slept until about midnight and woke up. But went right back to sleep in a few minutes. It is now a little after 3 and I have been up an hour. The bitch woke me up again. She really has to go really soon. I can’t have her here no more. I just want her gone I don’t care how or what has to happen as long as she gets out. We got in an argument today I got mad i finally told her just forget it she wasn’t worth fighting with over it. She got mad then but oh well I don’t care.

I don’t know why I can’t sleep probably because I am mad at her and because my chest hurts. My heart hurts, I know it is stress and anxiety. I also have starfish on my mind for some reason. I haven’t talk to him since Monday or Tuesday. Hadn’t really thought about it but for whatever reason he been right there since I woke up this time. I noticed it been awhile since I talk to him. Oh well I hope he is okay. I am going to call him tomorrow when I get off. I want him to check my truck out if he has a minute. Think it needs transmission fluid. I hate messing with that in this truck, the way it is set up I have a hard time. I figured I ask him check it out and see.

Guess I should try to get these last 4 hours sleep before I have to start my day.

{August 28, 2018}   10:30 pm Fight Begains

I can not wait until she is out of my house, it seems so close yet so far away. She better not stop it or put it off and she better have everything she needs done and in because it is going to get very ugly here once the 13th passes. I am telling her whatever happens no matter what it is good bad or other wise she has to get out by the 13 of October. That will give her a month from her date to figure something out. I plan to tell her before then so she has over a month. After tonight she will probably be told tomorrow before work.

Her and my 13 year old the one with autism just had a huge fight. She demanding and pushing telling him to do stuff when how she says what. He was ignoring her and got back on the computer then was telling her to shut up. None of it is her business to tell him or have a say in. Then she comes in here having a fit how he is talking to her and show her some respect and everything. I called him in here he is melting down freaking out to throw her out make her leave and everything telling her no one wants her here .

I did tell him to go to bed but because its late he is to worked up. She told him he can’t play the game for x days. Thats going to be another fight tomorrow. I dont care if he plays. Its not her house her rules or say. So she flip out over that all hell will breakout I am sure probably why I am at work.

I can’t wait for her to be out we can all get life back to normal. I can pick my house up rearrange it get it back to the way it should be. We have let so much go with her here because no one cares but her no one cares what she thinks or how she wants things. You cant touch anything to do anything without her trying to dictate how you do it and trying to fight if you don’t. So we just not been doing more than what has to be done forget the rest let her deal with living in it. Because really its nothing to normal person but her its the end of the world.

Not looking foward to the next 40 some days at all.

{August 6, 2018}   Ready To Cry

Just got home from work about an hour ago and have done nothing but fight and listen to bitching. Over a bunch of shit that is nothing but her fucking problems. I am so done with my mother being here I am ready to risk being homeless just to get rid of her. I know your not supposed to hate people but i do. I cant stand her, I can’t stand her presents seeing her, talking to her or her being in the same house muchless same room.

She swears she has some mite things in her bed she got from the dog. That the dog was losing its hair when she came here and now they are in her room. It has been almost a year she has been here. The dog would be eaten a live if that was the case because I have never treated them. They would have no hair and everyone would have them biting them. No one does but her. She has been to my sisters and stayed and a friend of hers to stay a while. Both with dogs and one with questionable people staying with them who could have who knows what. No one has seen them but her as well. Yes she has something broke out on her face but I have no idea what it is. No one else has a problem but her.

It make since because she never comes out of her room other than to go to the bathroom, get something from the fridge or put something in the trash or bitch. She refuses to touch the dogs if they are out, the dogs are never in her room or bed ever and no one is ever in there other than oldest when she goes in to go to bed in her bed. They have bunk beds so how she has something in her bed and oldest don’t beats the hell out of me as well. Oldest has no bites no where but she swears she see’s her scratching all night. She says she got them from the washer and drier because the dogs blankets were washed in them. But the dogs have nothing. She swears the drier is broken it not getting hot. And has been for months. It started not working right the other day and is not drying. But now she swears its been that way all along. I just gotten it and it was scolding hot when clothes were taken out. I figure she has done something to it or its gotten lent backed up needs cleaned out. She has been demanding for months I buy a new drier because it isn’t hot enough to kill whatever this made up whatever is when she washes her blankets and sheets.

Friends and others have heard her raising hell when they have been on the phone and stopped by. They all say she has problems and that she needs something. Every doctor she has been to has put in her chart she needs meds for her mental state but she refuses to take them or go see the right person about it. She has nothing wrong with her of course. But then tell you she knows she does but why it is everyone else fault she dont need anything just whatever. But she has been this way all my life everyone can tell you. Even my sisters dad said it is why he left the way she is and does and wont get help. My dad say same thing.

I know I have things I need meds for and I need talk to people about. But even they have said mine is situational if I can get settled where we are not struggling all the time and dealing with the bs from her. I would be okay and function a lot better. I wouldn’t need medication all the time. When things are going good I am great 98% of the time even when things go wrong or something happens. I handle it and keep rolling. Once in awhile I hit a patch a deal with the depression or anxiety but pull myself out pretty quickly and easily. But that right now I have so much to take care of worry about and handle and everything keeps happening we keep just hanging on by a thread that it is no wonder I am the way I am right now.

That is not what they say about her at all. It is not that kind of thing. She is impossible to live with. I am stuck and can not get her out. I do not have the money to file if I go to the owners for help i am going to have to move. I have no money to move on. And she knows all this thinks its funny sits and says she isn’t going no where don’t have to and won’t until she is ready. All the while bitching how bad it is here how horrible i am how dirty it is and on and on. I am so done and over it with her. She keeps talking about all her “health” problems and she could die blah, blah, bullshit its my fault too of course. I just think your not fast enough and okay your point who is supposed to care? What do you want me to say, do, think or feel? Because I don’t. I know I know you all probably think I am the worse person in the world to think or write such a thing. But if you read my blog long enough you know I don’t say that kind of thing about people and that I am the first to help in just about anyway I can whoever it is if I can. But her like father of the year have pushed me to that point that whatever happens to them couldn’t happen fast enough and I wouldn’t think twice about it. They do not care how they made me or my kids feel or how they treated us. I can not waste time caring about them.

I feel so aggervated and hopeless right now that I don’t even want to be here and deal with anything anymore. If she not leaving something happening to get her out of our lives once and for all then let it me so I can be done with her and everything else once and for all.

et cetera
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