{August 6, 2018}   Ready To Cry

Just got home from work about an hour ago and have done nothing but fight and listen to bitching. Over a bunch of shit that is nothing but her fucking problems. I am so done with my mother being here I am ready to risk being homeless just to get rid of her. I know your not supposed to hate people but i do. I cant stand her, I can’t stand her presents seeing her, talking to her or her being in the same house muchless same room.

She swears she has some mite things in her bed she got from the dog. That the dog was losing its hair when she came here and now they are in her room. It has been almost a year she has been here. The dog would be eaten a live if that was the case because I have never treated them. They would have no hair and everyone would have them biting them. No one does but her. She has been to my sisters and stayed and a friend of hers to stay a while. Both with dogs and one with questionable people staying with them who could have who knows what. No one has seen them but her as well. Yes she has something broke out on her face but I have no idea what it is. No one else has a problem but her.

It make since because she never comes out of her room other than to go to the bathroom, get something from the fridge or put something in the trash or bitch. She refuses to touch the dogs if they are out, the dogs are never in her room or bed ever and no one is ever in there other than oldest when she goes in to go to bed in her bed. They have bunk beds so how she has something in her bed and oldest don’t beats the hell out of me as well. Oldest has no bites no where but she swears she see’s her scratching all night. She says she got them from the washer and drier because the dogs blankets were washed in them. But the dogs have nothing. She swears the drier is broken it not getting hot. And has been for months. It started not working right the other day and is not drying. But now she swears its been that way all along. I just gotten it and it was scolding hot when clothes were taken out. I figure she has done something to it or its gotten lent backed up needs cleaned out. She has been demanding for months I buy a new drier because it isn’t hot enough to kill whatever this made up whatever is when she washes her blankets and sheets.

Friends and others have heard her raising hell when they have been on the phone and stopped by. They all say she has problems and that she needs something. Every doctor she has been to has put in her chart she needs meds for her mental state but she refuses to take them or go see the right person about it. She has nothing wrong with her of course. But then tell you she knows she does but why it is everyone else fault she dont need anything just whatever. But she has been this way all my life everyone can tell you. Even my sisters dad said it is why he left the way she is and does and wont get help. My dad say same thing.

I know I have things I need meds for and I need talk to people about. But even they have said mine is situational if I can get settled where we are not struggling all the time and dealing with the bs from her. I would be okay and function a lot better. I wouldn’t need medication all the time. When things are going good I am great 98% of the time even when things go wrong or something happens. I handle it and keep rolling. Once in awhile I hit a patch a deal with the depression or anxiety but pull myself out pretty quickly and easily. But that right now I have so much to take care of worry about and handle and everything keeps happening we keep just hanging on by a thread that it is no wonder I am the way I am right now.

That is not what they say about her at all. It is not that kind of thing. She is impossible to live with. I am stuck and can not get her out. I do not have the money to file if I go to the owners for help i am going to have to move. I have no money to move on. And she knows all this thinks its funny sits and says she isn’t going no where don’t have to and won’t until she is ready. All the while bitching how bad it is here how horrible i am how dirty it is and on and on. I am so done and over it with her. She keeps talking about all her “health” problems and she could die blah, blah, bullshit its my fault too of course. I just think your not fast enough and okay your point who is supposed to care? What do you want me to say, do, think or feel? Because I don’t. I know I know you all probably think I am the worse person in the world to think or write such a thing. But if you read my blog long enough you know I don’t say that kind of thing about people and that I am the first to help in just about anyway I can whoever it is if I can. But her like father of the year have pushed me to that point that whatever happens to them couldn’t happen fast enough and I wouldn’t think twice about it. They do not care how they made me or my kids feel or how they treated us. I can not waste time caring about them.

I feel so aggervated and hopeless right now that I don’t even want to be here and deal with anything anymore. If she not leaving something happening to get her out of our lives once and for all then let it me so I can be done with her and everything else once and for all.

{August 4, 2018}   The Yard Guy

So last night when he messaged me he said I needed to get out. I said I knew. It was late he was already off line. A few hours later he ask if I would let him take me. I never replied until later this morning after I got to work and finished up some things. I just sent a little face kind of thinking. He asked what? I said nothing just thinking.

He said: Look I’m not trying to be wierd or anything I just want to see you have a smile on your face hun.

At this point I am thinking he is like probably 26 give or take a year. I was thinking he was probably around 20/21 years back when he was around and cut the yard. I was going to bring it up and let him know just as friends nothing else.

So I said alright. He was like what? I said I’ll go. He ask when? I told him I worked Sat,Sun,Tues and Wednesday nights for him to tell me.

What do you do ? And I mean who’s all going ? Is it me and you or no?

I sent him a picture of our logo with the name and things on it. He ask what that was. I told him he didn’t know what it was. I told him we lock you in a room and you have one hour to figure out puzzles and get the code to get out the door.

He said that sounds like fun my job. I said it can be interesting at times. That I liked handcuffing some and locking them in. Is it supposed to be like a kinky job? He said. I laughed my boss looked at me like i was crazy. I told him he was laughing.

Then he is asking me can I tell you something without you getting mad or exposing me on facebook?

I said yeah what’s that?

He said I like you.

I just said yeah. Thinking nope this is not going to happen. He is to young.

He said yeah like I want to take you on a date. I like you and want to hang out with you.

Ok .. so can I tell you a secret then. He says

I wanted to kiss you.. you’re so beautiful to me!

By this point I am laughing, I looked like hell when he was here. I wanted to ask him if he wanted to borrow my glasses get another look. All the while I am still trying to figure out how old he really is. I am thinking he looks young but he talking to me maybe he is older than he looks but im still thinking can’t be he looks to young.

Then I get…Would you let me ? If I come over there . Would u give me one as a birthday present? That would be the best present ever.

BAM!! Now I can bring up age see how old he is. I’m like oh it’s your birthday? So how old are you?

I get 20

I sent back…..20!!!???

He laughed said is that bad?

I asked him how old he thought I was?

He says……In the 40’s but is that a problem? Is my age a problem?

Now I’m like 40s REALY???!!!

I said I am 37.

See younger than I thiug I was think 42 -45 so that’s good .. would you let me ?

I did not say it to him but I am thinking WTF 42-45? I knew I looked like hell but I did not think I looked that bad.

I said can I ask you a question? He never answered until later in the evening. I figured he was working. He asked what.

Why are you interested in me? At your age? A single mom with 4 kids almost twice your age?

Well your just very nice . And that your very pretty. He started about how he just wanted to kiss me out there the other day. How he still does and everything. I’m like dying over here.

We joked and talked a little more he was asking to come see me today before or after work. About wanting to kiss again. I said i don’t know wht your so stuck on that and me I am nothing special.

He said because it make him happy.

I said why you could go find anyone?

He said why not? I just said I don’t get it. He I think got mad he said I’m going to bed. I said okay goodnight.

He kept talking and talking to me when he was here and getting close to me. I don’t know I really don’t get it.

I told my friend I either get these that are way to young (they keep getting younger) or the ones my age or older want a baby to start over or i scare them. Its like what the hell. Can I catch a break find a decent one close to my age that isn’t just looking for sex, i don’t scare and who don’t want a baby or to get married? For real isn’t there anyone out there?

I was at my friends hair place when he come out with being 20. She like he is just a baby!! I said I know he way to young. I said he can’t even drink this is never going to work. Joking but he really can’t. Someone said you have a driver. Nope not happening. He is only 5.5 years older than my oldest. If she was 18 and legal they could date. They could date in 3.5 years if they wanted to. That I would be okay with he seems like a decent kid he working hard doing his own thing. Has been working for years. But he is to young for me.

He see’s nothing wrong with our ages. I know some really feel age don’t matter if both are legal and want it. But really don’t it at some point still just seem wrong or become a problem? Or is it just me and my thinking? I mean I could really be his mother. I could have kids his age. Someone said you are talking to guys that are 8 or 9 years older. I am but they are not old enough to be my dad. I wouldn’t date a guy that much younger than me even though i would date one that much older.

I’m not trying to be no cougar lol

I guess to I just thought of writing that. He isn’t looking for a relationship either probably being so young. He just looking for a good time or whatever. I am looking for the relationship. Im past the good time or if it works ok if not oh well. I don’t know.

He says same as the rest your so nice, your so easy to talk to, i like being around you, talking to you. But then its you make me nervous, you scare me.

I told my friend the older ones know I am all that they say it. But they know I also don’t have to put up with their crap and i am not scared to say something or drop them in a second. The younger ones are to young and don’t get it all understand it all. They to stupid to it all to be scared. 😂. I can’t find one that is in the middle that i am on the same page with.

Now I see why this one kept saying you need to go out relaxe you need a break. You need to go out to eat. He kept making it a point to say somewhere to eat. Because he can’t drink. Wow. I knew he was way to young give benefit to doubt i shouldn’t have.

{July 26, 2018}   I Would Get Married Again

I have been thinking about what I want in life, where I want to go, what I want to have, who I want to be with, how I want that relationship to look and work, what I want from it, what I am willing to give.

The thought of so many guys wanting to get married and have kids this late in life. It just still blows my mind. Marriage and having kids are no go for me. They have been deal breakers and no budging on them.

Now thinking about this I can 100% see where RC was coming from with somethings. Back to that later but it just hit like bricks.

I was thinking a lot about what and how much am I willing to put into a relationship. How do I make someone see why I feel that way? Make them see it is not anything to do with them but me and things I been thorough.

Like with these two and others wanting to get married and have a baby. Well one says no now but actions speak louder than words. But I have been thinking about this because it seems to be what guys want. Thinking about the baby and the one. I know how much kids mean to him and he didn’t get to be there for his when they were little. I know how much that bothers him. But I can not give him a baby. And the reasons are along the same lines as to why he wants more. I don’t because of the way my kids have been done by their fathers. Not saying he would do that but I don’t want to put another child through a break up amd broken home. I am not “looking” for a “daddy” for my kids never have been never will be. But one thing regardless is that whomever I end up with is going to have to like my kids and be a part of the family. My kids are to little for me to be the go between for the next 13 years. I want someone it isn’t forced or awkward. That is one thing I liked about Sleeping Beauty he got along with the kids and wanted to do things and talk with them be there for them. You could tell he cared about them. They took to him and liked having him around. I can’t give him a baby but I can give him 4 great kids who care about him and like having him around. That need a strong male roll model in their lives. I can promise him that I am not going to just up and decide that this is not what I want or that he did something to piss me off or find someone else and leave. That if we have a problem I am going to come to him and work it out. They just have to be willing to talk and work it out not run or avoid it. I don’t want to fight I just want to sit down and work it out. I have fought to much in my life I just want to be happy and work things out. So if being a part of a family who is going to truely care about him and wants to have him I can offer that. But I can’t give him a baby.

Now the marriage part I never wanted to do it the first time muchless do I want to do it a second time. But when thinking about all this yesterday it kind of hit me that either one of them could step in and really be there for my kids and be close to my kids. And if it really worked out and things do not improve with their dad they would have them to fill that and that would be fine as long as it came about on its own between them and not forced or pushed. It wouldn’t be, just like when I was with RC. The kids were given their space to decide how and what kind of relationships they had with us. Some warmed up faster than others. But if it came down to it and we really became a tight knitt close family and they took him in as dad and he took them in as his I would consider marrying again. And really making us a family. If their dads didn’t come back into the picture even letting them adopt them. But that would be the only way I would consider getting married again.

Now I can see what RC was talking about getting married and adopting his boys. But we not been together near long enough to consider that at that point. I had to much other stuff to worry about and take care of before we could of gotten to that point. But i see wanting to do that if things are good everyone is close and the other parent isn’t in the picture.  If the kids wanted it.

I am sure it probably would never come to that. But just thinking about things in a different state of mind really lets you see things that maybe you didn’t before or understand them better. Thinking about it does seem that he did really care and wanted more but that his problem did get in the way and her coming in the picture when she did wasn’t a good idea. But everything happens for a reason and maybe like this and other things I will figure it out and where I am supposed to be now.

{June 27, 2018}   Fighting with My Mother

Monday night we had a huge fight, to the point the police were almost called. I am not even sure how or what it started over. She started her shit about something. Then started about calling this place and that place to come out here and the place to come get the dogs. Had my kids all upset and scared they were going to take them away from me or they were going to lose their dogs.

She went to her room and just kept on and on and on. Yelling through the house and about money and everything. I finally had enough and told her how it was. I told her I would never help her again, have contact with her or anything else after this. That she needed to get out of here that even the kids did not want her here and ask all the time when she was leaving. Of course it was all lies she says. They just love her.

I also told her to go ahead and call anyone and everyone that she wanted to call I did not care but when she did I would be calling on her as well. Start shit for her. Your fucking stupid she said I don’t have any kids for you to call on me for. I said well I will be calling someone finding out why everything happen with my younger sister that did amd why she did nothing at all about it? How things are now. She swears she didn’t none of it happen she didn’t let it keep going on and right in her own house. Telling me I was lying. I said no I am not everyone knows it. Then she ran back in her room and started yelling at me to shut up like a little kid. And spelling it and crap like she was 5. I said no you had your say and who your going to call and why, now I am telling you when you call and try to start trouble for me that is going to go no where. I will call and start some for you that will go somewhere. Shut up shut up leave me alone, I’m going to call the police on you. I said that is fine call them too I don’t care one bit. I am in my house done nothing wrong.

Then she come stomping out telling me how I was and why my husband left me. I laughed so hard. I said he left me that is why he cried over and over begging me to take him back and not to leave in the first place. How i was fucking my “friend” and my good friend and what I was and how nasty. I said no I wasn’t and haven’t. She saying i went out party all time not stay home when me and him were together not true at all. I said yeah look where its coming from the one picking up women on craigslist and everything else. No it isn’t it came right from your friends. I said yeah I can promise you they aren’t talking to you. Any that have met you one time knows how you are talk about it. That isn’t true she freaked out more. I said whatever go to your whole and knock your shit off.

I said that is why if you weren’t here you would be homeless. Becaause the other two don’t want you or any thing to do with you. They won’t let you come there. The few days you were you showed your ass and had something to say about it there it wasn’t good enough for you everywhere you go. Nothing is ever good enough.

She was at my sisters there was something wrong she couldnt eat cook or do anytjing there. It wasn’t clean enough. Her froemds it wasn’t clean enough there was a problem there. She was at my aunts and my grandma’s a night or two and came home telling me how dirty it was and nasty. How she was. When she was able to go see my brother she talk about how dirty their house was and how they live. I told her no where was ever going to be clean enough for her unless it was her own little bubble that no one ever walked into. Thats not true she about lost her mind.

I don’t know what finally made her shut up go on. Then a few minutes later it was as if nothing ever happened she never said any of it or anything else. Nothing has been said since. She needs mental help. She has problems. She is trying to get social security and every doctor she has been to has noted her mental state even if she was there for something that had nothing to do with that.

I also told her to move where ever she was going to move when she got her money because I was not going with her. I was not moving close to her. When i got ready i was going to move where me and the kids wanted to go. That I will not help her get where we are that I would not be helping her or taking care of her if or when she couldn’t do it herself i was not getting stuck with her and having to do it. She better hope one of these other two will. Oh I was horrible for that I should be ashamed of myself and what I was teaching me kids.

I said nope teaching them not to be treated like you treat people and then turn around and do everything for them .

It went on for a while. Finally she shut up went on. That is the night i talked to my “friend” for 5 hours. He messaged me right after we stopped fighting. I started talking to him I just felt such a calm come over me. It was just so nice to have someone to talk to who cared. Who really cared tried to help or what. I felt better than I have on a long time. Not because of what he said about getting together or anything like that. I felt it long before that.

{June 16, 2018}   Cancer Sucks

About the time I got home from working on the truck and crawled into bed my phone started dinging. I thought it was going to be Mr. To Broken. It wasn’t it was Starfish. I not heard from him in a few days i ask why he was quiet if something was wrong earlier or night before.

He said he was he been working and taking care of stuff at home. I told him i talked to him about my truck and was going to come get him the other day, but he never got a hold of me. He said it was okay. I told him I finally got my truck fixed I just came in from getting it done. We talked about that a little.

Then he told me he had a lot coming up to deal with and take care of. He said his moms husband needs surgery for cancer but they can not do it because he won’t come out of it. Said the doctor said he wants to see him back in 6 months if he makes it.

I ask how his mom was because he had said hers came back. He said no he misunderstood it was his that did not hers.

I don’t what to say. I just said sorry to hear. I know they aren’t close he isn’t crazy about him. But its still hard watch your mom deal with it go through it. She lost his dad in 14 or 16. Just before or after I lost my dad. I remember us talking about it before.

I ask if they put him on hospice or anything he said no. I don’t know health wise how he is doing. I know he is getting around and doing things still. So he may be okay for now, but who knows for how long.

Just pray for him that he isn’t in pain and don’t suffer. Pray for his mom who is going through this with him and dealing with all that comes with that. Pray for him why he helps them both through this. That he is able to stay strong and handle it. That he reaches out for help and to talk if he needs to instead of turning to other things. I told him if he needs to talk or needs anythung i am here.

{June 12, 2018}   Trying Not To Get To Excited

Because nothing is set in stone, but my mom said something today about going to stay with her friend awhile and that her lawyer has her a court date again. I am hoping she will be out by the weekend. I am telling her she needs to go there and stay take her stuff with her. I am going to have her mail forwarded to her as well. Because I want her gone.

Oldest said she said something about moving over there. I don’t know wanting pictures of the place and said something about maybe having me take her by there or having her pick her up to see the place.

She started on me about the money I owe her. When I was going to get it. She owes me $200 more and for months she not paid now. I still need to get it filed asap. I need to get everyone paid off once and for all. I just don’t know I just get tired of dealing with her. I shut down do nothing. I just got to get her out of here.

I have not said anything to her about going over there. She just told me today. I don’t want to seem excited or she won’t go. I have to figure out get her that money. Just to get rid of her. I cant stand having her here.

She is mad she wants to buy a fridge, washer, drier and table for the kitchen. I told her no table no washer or drier. Because the only reason she wants to is because she wants to dictate when and how they are used. She don’t want dog blankets or whatever else washed or dried in them. Right now if it needs washed and fits it gets put in the washer and drier. If she buys them even though she says she is buying them for me or us the kids and us they will not be ours until she leaves. Until then it will be they are hers she paid for them so don’t wash this and that in them. She said before she buy a nice set if we didn’t. I told her no i have a washer drier at home so I do not have to go somewhere else and wash stuff. That I have enough to do without adding that to the list. She got pissed off. Guess she thought asking later I would forget and just say yes.

The table is the samething, i need chairs for mine we have two the others broke. She wants to toss the table and buy a different one. I do not want a table had gotten rid of mine she just had to have a table. I got this one i liked the guy behind me gave me when he moved. She dont want this that and the other sat on it. She gets mad. Well its a table thTs what it is for. She don’t like that it is glass top. The last 3 or 4 I have had are. I love them glass top with kids. So easy to clean and we can do anything on it wips it right off. Paint, draw, glue, playdogh, cook, anything it just comes right up. Don’t worry about stains and things like wood or other things. If she bought one it be wood it be don’t sit this or that on it don’t play at it don’t do arts or crafts on it blah blah. So I told her no i would get one or chairs to go with mine when I got money. It is not a big deal we can make due with what we have. But to hear her tell i am abusing my kids. Because we do not have a nice new washer and drier and we do not have a nice new table. None of we can afford right now. But that don’t matter i should just go get one anyway. Nope not going to happen. Then be shourt on other bills. No life dont work that way. But in her world it does. She should not pay me but buy me all this stuff. If we really need it and i can do without the money and can use it to get all this and it is for me and the kids, then why is she not saying here go find what yall like want? Instead its i found this table and this washer drier set. Why is she picking it out? Because its going to be hers until she moves. Then she going to tell everyone how we had nothing she had to rush in spend all her money to buy this stuff for me because i cant even take care of my kids. My washer things work. Just got them from a friend not long ago a year maybe. My table we only use for counter space or what. So we dont need chairs. When she leaves we are probably going to toss it make an office there.

I just want her gone for good once and for all. She yelled at me the other day had huge fit me and oldest left and left the boys here. She not slept all night and then couldn’t sleep all day because they were here and about having to babysit not to leave them like that again. Got mad I laughed at her. Like i told her I never asked her to babysit or assumed she was. I left them on their own to take care of theirselves. The same as I would of done and have done when she is not there. She could of left went to sleep taken a shower or anything. She didn’t because she didn’t want to. I take a nap with them here no one else here. I let the boys stay home alone why we go out. There is no set age to stay home alone here so if I wanted to I could leave my 7 year old alone. But i do not i leave him and the 12 year old together. They know not to answer the door or cook or leave the house and can call me. They know what houses to go to if they need help. She just crazy as hell and has issues.

{April 19, 2018}   Want My House Back

I know what I am about to say is going to probably sound really bad to some, but for the ones who have been around and know how things are and have been they will understand.

I am so done with my mother right now, I want her out and my house back she only been back a few weeks. She had her hearing Tuesday and post ponded it. She did nothing to get ready for it or even try and get the test for it until a few days and the night before.

When I let her come here the agrement was I would let her stay until her hearing. I would help her until then so she could get her stuff she needed. Now she put it off and thinks she can just stay until whenever. When I say something I am going to be the bad guy.

She went and had her eyes checked last Friday and they said she is legagly blind but they can fix it with glasses I guess. Don’t make since but it never does when she tells you things because she adds amd omits what she wants. The doctor told her she has some autoemun disorder. We already knew that it was just getting someone to do it. They found something on her lung when they were doing x rays for something else. She had a lot of medical issues that she has not had taken care of or what but then wants to panic and worry about them and go on and on about things that has nothing to do with what she is there for at the time or has nothing to do with it so they all just look at her like she is crazy and just get her out the door so they do not have to deal with her. I do not blame them no one wants to deal with her home or anywhere. When they tell her to do this or that or take this for it she comes up with 1000 reasons why she can’t do it or take it. She likes doctor google to much.

I just want to tell her to get out of my house. She still making life misreable I can’t walk out of the house without being interagated, where I’m going, why, I should be doing. What time do I get off. Last week I went out for a couple hours after work and she had something to say about that. Kids were in bed before i got off and I was at applebee’s with friends. Mind you she is not babysitting or doing anything. My oldest still is because she don’t come out of her room but to try to bark orders where she has no place to and to use the bathroom. I come and go juat the same as I would if she wasn’t here. Well no that’s a lie I come and go less than when she isn’t here but no different that if she wasn’t. Not like I stopped just because she was here. I would of stop even if she wasn’t here.

I just want to tell her to get the fuck out, no one is happy with her here. We can’t do nothing without her in it or having something to say. Listen to her bitch about everything, the house, the truck, me how I am. I am just so over it all. When I say something I am going to be the bad guy. Making her leave when she has no where to go, she has all this wrong amd just foundout more is wrong. How I don’t care about her blah blah.

I do care to a point, but I can not stress over it all, I can’t sit around being upset about it or whatever when she does how she does about it all. I have 5 people to take care of. I refuse to take her on to take care of whatever is or is not wrong with her. Because she is never going to change and all it will be is her trying to dictate everything and complain. I am not going to do it.

I want us to be happy in our house, I want to have people over, and just live a normal life. With her here you can not do that she sits and complains and talks about all that is wrong with her, how things are here, how bad everything is, watches everything everyone talks about them and what is wrong with them how she can’t believe I would be frkemds with them or let them around my kids. You think they all have records and go to jail or in trouble every other day or some thing. It’s just because of something they said she don’t agree with or what they drive or the way they dress or something she thinks about them for whatever reason that she has made up in her head. I am not making this up. She been to I don’t know how many doctors and everyone points out her mental state or whatever they call it. Even when that isn’t what she is there for and it isn’t brought up. It is noted in her records. She is queen of has to be better than everyone, never anything nice to say. Me and my kids, friends, house, car or whatever she can think of get the brunt of it. For whatever reason. I guess because I am the only one around my brother and sister refuse to have anything to do with her let her stay or help her. I know she has the problem but she also refuses to get anything for it and try to get better. Its bad when everyone wishes their parent, partner or someone would stop drinking and I always wished mine would start again she was easier to get along with.

It’s about to all hit the roof here by the weekend I am sure. I don’t feel like having the fight. She say what she wants Ireally do not care what she says how she feels. It’s just that it is something else for me to deal with.

{January 9, 2018}   Failed My Daughter

As I sat here tonight messing with one of those mindless apps that my oldest showed me and my mind started to wonder. I have a lot of things from the past on my mind the last few days.

I started thinking about her and somethings that have happen the last few months and days. But first let me say when I decided to get a divorce there were a lot of reasons why, but one of my biggest reasons was all the abuse and different forms of abuse my children were witnessing just about daily.

I did not want my boys growing up thinking this was how you treated your girlfriend, wife or any other women in their life. I also did not want my daughter (only had one at the time) to grow up thinking this is how her boyfriend, husband, or any other guy was supposed to treat her.

Tonight I realized that when I left it was to late I had already failed my daughter and her view of how a guy should treat her was already formed.

Last year she came home and with a lot of prompting finally told me that this new boy in her class twisted her arm behind her back and wouldn’t let go. She was telling him he was hurting her and to let go and he wouldn’t stop. He was not playing he was pissed off because she wasn’t doing what he wanted or wouldn’t give him what he wanted while they were playing ball.

I ask her what she did and she said nothing he finally let her go and she went on and played something else. I ask if she told anyone or what teaches or other kids said? She said teachers didn’t say anything she didn’t know if they seen it and the other kids just told him he needed to let her go and that was about it. I ask her what she did to defend herself and she said nothing. She didn’t want to get in trouble. I ask her if she told the teachers or did anything about it when he finally let her go and she said no. When asked why she made excuses mostly for him and how she didn’t want to get him in anymore trouble since he was already in a ton and it was only his first day and he let her go it wasn’t that bad. But she was almost in tears at the time and was upset when she was telling me about it. I was so mad I hit the roof. I told her I didn’t care where she was or who it was or what she thought may or may not happen that if a boy ever put his hands on her again she had better stand up for herself and fight back anyway she could. Once she got away she had better find whoever was there to handle things and make them aware of it as well. That she was not to let anyone put their hands on her and for sure not a boy/guy/man.

Fast forward to last week when she started talking to a friend online. He is a sweet kid and looks at her as a best friend. He was asking if they could do things this Summer. He told her that if they were out somewhere together he would keep her safe. He told her if they were in public she needed to go back to the car or to get something he would go with her to make sure nothing happen to her. He had talk to me and told me the same thing. He told me he thought of her as a best friend and just wanted to make sure she was safe and that nothing happen to her look out for her because that is what best friends do. I thought it was sweet and impressed to hear such a thing.

Well when he said this to her she came and showed me and felt that it was odd or creepy. She didn’t know what to say to it or how to take it. I could tell it really bothered her she came right to tell me and show me what was said. I told her he was just being nice and cared that she was safe because she was a friend and there was nothing odd or creepy about it. And went on.

Tonight for some reason both of these things came back to me and all of a sudden it struck me as funny how when the guy was being abusive she thought nothing of it tried to protect him and make excuses for him and didn’t want to say anything or for me to say anything about it the next day. But when a guy is being decent and wants to treat her good and make sure others do and nothing happens to her, her first thought is that it isn’t right and something is wrong. It hit me that as young as she was and getting her out of it didn’t stop it from effecting her and forming her thought of normal. And now I am left to undo all that she seen and learned. To make her understand that yest this is how things were but this is not how it was supposed to be and this is why I got out. To make her see that yes what he is saying is great and what she should be looking for in friendships and relationships. And make her believe it and pray that she does it and what has been done can be undone and she don’t end up in a relationship like I did and that if she does that she is strong enough to get out and to ask for help if she needs it and knows from the be-gaining that it is not her and there is nothing wrong with her.

When I said I don’t want my boys to think this is how to treat their girlfriends, friends, wives and other women in their lives and I don’t want my daughter to think this is how guy friends, boyfriends, or a husband is supposed to treat her. Everyone laughed and said it was an excuse, it wasn’t that bad and I could say because they wouldn’t think that or learn that. No one looks at things that way that is just me and my way of making it okay to leave. I didn’t have to make it okay in my mind for me to leave because I knew that I should of never been treated that way from the start. I didn’t have to make it okay for anyone else because it is mine and my kids lives and were the ones living in the abuse not anyone else. I said it because it was true and everyone talks about breaking the cycle of abuse we have this cycle because so many do not think about the kids and how it effects them or what they are picking up, learning and seeing. They think they are to little to be effaced or that they would never do that because they seen how it hurt their mom or they see how it hurt them. No they learn that this is how we handle things, even if they didn’t like it, it is just normal in their mind and the way things are done. Few will change and not follow in the same path but the sad fact is many will. I grew up in a home with abuse I hated it and did everything I could to stay away from it and I still ended up in the situation. Guess what my ex grew up in a home with his mother was abused and he was by his father.

So if you are in an abusive relationship if you don’t get out for yourself get out for your kids. Because rather you want to believe or not they are being effected and most likely will go on to abuse or be abused later in life. And if this isn’t true then why is abuse so prevalent? Why do we need battered women’s shelters and women’s centers? These guys are learning it from somewhere and these girls are learning its okay from somewhere.

I know it is long but I felt it is something that needs to be said and maybe seeing it from someone that has been there done that and seeing the effects will convince someone to get out. There is help out there. If you need it ask, you can in box me and ask, I can give you numbers and names of places to call and help as much as I can even if it is just for support.

{November 5, 2017}   Don’t Want to Be Your Friend

This morning I wake up to messages from a lady that I have been ignoring for years. Yes you read that right years I have been ignoring and avoiding her. I do not reply or even act like I know she messaged me and if I see her in the store I go to the other side of the store and do not let her see me there. I do not want to get stuck talking to her or explaining myself in why I do not want anything to with her or her on my page. You know how they say if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all? Well I have nothing nice to say to her at all and it would not turn out very well.

It is not even like I was ever close with this women or her family at all. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times we have really even spoke to each other. I met her years ago when me and father of the year first got together at a church we started going to. Her sons went there and her daughter and grand daughter as well. The one son seemed okay and we talked to him and things. The other son that had the wife and little girl I never cared for from the first time I met him. I talked to the wife some and always talked to the little girl played with her and she played with the kids. She was really little at that time a few years old. I told Father of the Year when I met him that I bet he was controlling and abusive to his wife. Sure enough it wasn’t long that it came out that he was. Then one day I got a phone call from the wife I thought was odd because we didn’t hang out, outside of church or anything like that. I had never talk to her outside of church but maybe once or twice. I wasn’t home and there was no message. Later I found out that dcf had been to her house and taken the little girl away. They were looking for someone to take her in. I was never contacted about it again after that one phone call and stayed out of it.

Well she was in state care for a couple at least a couple years. It came out the dad had been doing things to the little girl and abusing her when the mom was at work. The brother of this guy had gotten with a close friend of the families daughter and they were together and she use to take her and take care of her and do things with her all the time and she told the girls mother one night when she was at there house.

Later the brother that married into the our friends family ended up getting a divorce and later going to jail for being with a girl that was 16 and he was almost 30. So now both boys have been in trouble for this and with two different people one being his own kid and at one time it was rumored that the brother may have been in on it with the daughter as well.

The mother of the boys still has them in her home living, still does everything for them and even has kids at her house around them knowing all this and see’s nothing wrong with him going out with women with kids. Despite what he done to his own child. Lets them live with her as well. I am sorry if that was my child they would be cut off and on their own. Everyone screws up and does stupid shit or what. People should get a second chance, but when it comes to doing things like that and hurting children no you do not get a second chance at hurting a child and you are not thought of the same again.

Over the years I have become closer to and pretty good friends with the ones daughter and her mother. We talk all the time and I have had her stay at my house or come after school and stay until her mom can pick her up come to birthday and holiday parts. For all of these reasons I do not want anything to do with this women or her sons and find it very odd that she keeps contacting me and trying to get me to talk to her and be friends with her when she really don’t know me and we have not seen each other in years or talked. We don’t even go to church together anymore. I am not going to go be friends with them both and I would not do that to this little girl and her mother because even though the mom has had her ups and downs she has been through a lot and really is a good person and has done a lot for her and her daughter to improve their lives. Either way I do not mess with or have people like that around me or my kids.

I posted something on my facebook about why do you keep wasting your time trying to talk to me for years when I never talk to you or answer you and tagged it stalker. Few hours later I get a text from Sleeping Beauty asking if I was okay? I told him yes why? I had no idea why he would be asking that when I have not talked to him in weeks, maybe a month almost. He said what is that about a stalker or your stalker problem? I told him what I was talking about and how this is what her kids did and things. He thought it was crazy too.

{September 19, 2017}   Unwanted House Guest

As you all may remember my mom moved in with us a few months ago, it has been nothing but hell and fighting since. We have had a few bad fights and one again tonight. She has her truck here she won’t drive it, she didn’t pay the insurance on it so it just sits there. She expects me to run to the store every time she needs smokes, drinks, food, or anything else that she wants. She complains all she does is sit in her room on the computer or lays in her bed because she will not sit on the couch, a chair or even a kitchen chair. Most the time she will not eat whatever I cook or make for any meal. She has to buy her own lunch meat bread and everything else. She won’t drink out of a cup she buys little bottles of coke, bottles of water or drinks out in a cup, because everything is so dirty. The dishes go through the dishwasher so they are clean and sanitized. She can’t use the one bathroom because the kids cleaned the guinea pig cage and went in there and washed their hands. She can’t touch the knob to turn it on, she can’t touch the door knob to open the door because it has the mess from the cage on it. No the cage is not cleaned daily like it should be (my standards) but about once a week and it is a 4 ft x 2 ft cage so it isn’t like it is a little tiny cage. It gets cleaned daily or every few days most the time but not sine she has been here because they shouldn’t clean it why I am making dinner they shouldn’t clean it this time or that time then its to late to clean it. They take it outside to the water house clean it out good clean everything in it good. She can’t touch the front door knob because one of the kids went out it with the trash bag from the kitchen trash and touched it. You would think that my door knobs were sticky, dripping with nasty stuff, had stuff all over them or something and that everything in my house did and you can’t see anything anywhere.

I have bleached down the kitchen and both bathrooms I don’t know how many times. I paid my oldest to do them just the other day because I didn’t feel like doing it and we had bleached the kitchen down why she was gone. That wasn’t good enough for her because we didn’t take a pan of water with bleach in it wipe everything down and then get clean water and wipe the bleach off everything. I told her it was done how it was done it was fine that I would not be bleaching it down so that was that. Then she was complaining because she had a dish pan here that we used for something and that she didn’t have that she wanted to go bleach everything down in the kitchen. If you wash your hands in the bathroom they are not clean you need to wash them in the kitchen before you go to get her food, smokes or a drink, but if you just skip washing them in the bathroom then the kitchen handles are dirty because you didn’t wash before you went in there and washed. I am so over it. Then telling me how my house is so nasty and so dirty and everything else again how I make the kids do everything do nothing, how Father of the Year (my husband) she keeps saying. I said he isn’t my fucking husband anymore. Said how I did and things were here and how this one and that one in the family say it is here. Again they are hardly ever here really they are never ever here maybe once a year if that. I said and funny how they all talk about you behind your back and how you are and everyone knows how she is, oh no they don’t they talk about you they didn’t say this and that when I told her what they said. I said that’s funny get them on the phone I will call them out right here and if they been talking about me, my kids, my house and how it is or not and I will call them out and tell you just what they said and say about you at the same time. I don’t care I have nothing to lose or gain from any of it. She shut up for a minute then.

She started again about something, I said funny you couldn’t wait to come over her then sit down and wait for someone to do everything for you that needs done. No I don’t she starts again. I said yes go the store for this go for that and then go get this or that for food and things. Well you don’t do nothing else, I said oh but yes I do and I don’t need anyone else to take care of. I have enough to take care of. It don’t hurt you you never help anyone blah blah I said yes just not people like you who do nothing for their self, or do nothing but cause problems for everyone else. I said it’s so bad you couldn’t wait to get here. No I had no where to go, I said so your just using and causing problems. I will show you I am getting out of here just as soon as I can and when I do I am calling someone to take care of how things are here it is illegal blah blah bull crap. I said go ahead there is nothing illegal going on here I am not worried about it I will let a cop, dcf worker or anyone else in my house anytime they want to walk up in my house no matter how it looks clean or “dirty” I said make sure it is as filthy as it can get when you call them, and when you call someone and try to start problems because that is all your going to do is try nothing will come of it yet again you better make sure you remember it because you will never see or hear from me or anyone in my house again. I mean it, I will cut her, my sister, grandma, everyone that has anything at all to do with her and not speak to any of them again. I will move when I get ready and everything else and no tell them we did or where we went. We will go ghost and there is nothing she will be able to do about it. She keeps talking about lets go lets go get our stuff take our money and leave. I got news for her I do not plan to move anywhere close to where she wants to go, plans to go or ends up going if she goes before me. I do not and will not take her where I go either. She will not come stay with me when I move so that she can find a place and get settled, if she moves close to me I will not do the first thing to help her get moved there or to help her once she gets there. She is 100% on her own once she moves out of my house.

I have even went so far as to call dcf myself anonymous say I know kids living in x house with x people and this person is causing a problem, the kids are always talking about them and complaining about them and the problems there are there all the time since they came there and they feel that they need to go out and check it out to see what is going on. That they know the family that they do not feel there is abuse to the kids by mom that mom is taking care of the kids but she took in a family member that is causing problems and they feel it needs to be checked into. When they come out and talk to my kids my kids tell them yes this is true this is what grandma does this is how things are and how they have been this is what she says to us what she says to mom and the things she threatens to do, they can tell her that she is the one being abusive and causing problems. They may even tell her that she needs to find somewhere else to go and can’t stay here. But at least then they will have been out know what is going on and what to expect if she does try to call later and when she starts about calling and everything else I just tell her look they been to my house twice now in 7 years over you and it hasn’t worked so no need to call again. I don’t know what else to do.

I have talked to my sister about taking her back to her house until she is done doing this to her face she said she needs 6 weeks to do and can’t because of how dirty it is and how bad it is here she is going to catch some kind of horrible infection and die from it. That I don’t care about her if I did I would have cleaned the house up so she could do this to her face she is going to die because it is going to spread and cause problems if she don’t do it and my dads started on his face and look what happen. Well if you might catch an infection and die if you do it but the odds are you aren’t going to or your going to die because you don’t do it then wouldn’t you go ahead and do it and hope not to catch an infection than not do it and let it spread and cause you more problems? I mean it might be horrible to say but if this is how she is looking at it then if I was her I would at least do what I could to make it better and hope for the best than just not do anything. She just drives me up the wall. She wants to go to her friends house out of state says she would go there until February but she can’t because she has to do this to her face. She has been here more than enough time to do it but won’t because there is always and excuse. She has needed to do it for years and has come up with some excuse and not done it so now its my turn to be her excuse and blamed and just something else to show how horrible of a mom I am. I don’t care I know the truth everyone knows the truth and that is that. I could careless whatever one is saying or isn’t saying about me behind my back. If she is so hell bent that they are talking about me behind my back then why would she not think they were here behind hers. They don’t talk behind one and not the others. Tell me I’m just a pig and I can see it everywhere I look when I turn around and how bad my house is and what I am saying about her is all lies. That her house what fine until (my husband) father of the year came there. I said not true there was the stuff from the body that was in that one apartment where the guy died in there that you went to look at. I said you couldn’t keep your clothes, shoe’s, purse or anything else that you had with you. Grandma and Father of the year had to get rid of their clothes, jackets she had to get rid of her purse they had to get rid of their shoes and then a ton of other stuff had to be gotten rid of because your feet were in the floor of your truck it hadn’t gotten cleaned after you walked around in there and had your shoes in the truck. She don’t know why, how, where the man died in the apartment, she don’t know if anything was on the floor or anything else in there or how it was cleaned. But he died there and he was probably sick and that is in there and he was there long enough that stuff ran from his body and was in there. Then it was something that father of the year done it wasn’t clean in the house they bleached it and bleached it down and the truck and threw stuff away again. But then something that was in that apartment will be found she forgot about or something that had something to do with whatever father of the year did will show up and it starts again. Then they hit a dead animal on the side of the road and that was on her tire and then it probably got on the running board and then it got on her pant leg and his pant leg so they again needed to throw away their pants and shoes and then it was on their hands they touched this and that so now it was dirty and needed to be tossed or bleached. Then that was “cleaned” up and the yard guys blew something under her door from the parking lot with the blower when they were cutting the yards so now whatever that was is in her house and she had to throw away another rug and this or that bleach everything down and throw away stuff and then it be clean and something else would come of it again when she thought of it. She ended up throwing away almost everything in her house, couch, recliner, rugs, lamps pots pans shoes clothing beds anything and everything you can think of. And it couldn’t be given to anyone else because then they may get sick and she would get in trouble because she knew it had this or that on it or wrong with it and gave it to them so now she would go to jail or what. This isn’t something that oh one thing happen then a few months down the road something happen or a year. This is something would happen and she would fix on it for a year or months until something happen then fix on it and some times it and the other thing or it and the things from three times ago. She has been this way for a long time and it just goes in a circle.

I am rambling and bitching I know I am sorry and your a saint if you made it this far. I am just so aggravated and frustrated with everything that is going on that she has done. I have told her over and over to get her stuff and get out that i was going to the court house and filing papers to get her out that I would move and leave her here and let the owner deal with getting her out and everything else. The thing is if I file against her to get her out she will not be able to get anywhere at all because once you have been filed against here they will not rent to you. I know I shouldn’t care what happens or where she goes I don’t but I don’t want to see her out in the street either. I just don’t want her in my house.

et cetera
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