{February 26, 2021}   652, 623, 618 Still Not Good Enough

Last year around November you may remember I checked on buying a house. They said I needed a 620 or better credit score. Well about a month ago I was going by the place where they sell new trailers and decided to stop in look around and ask all the questions.

I was surprised she said I should have no problem getting a place with my income and credit. They had some nice place. All they had on the lot were 3 bedrooms. I asked about bigger places she said 4 was about as big as you wanted to go. Because the rooms start to get small.

I came home and started looking them up and seen them with 5 bedroom 3 bathrooms living room and family room. The rooms were really good size still. I picked out 2 floor plans I liked. She told me that I should take my down payment pay cash for the land and use it as the down payment for the trailer. So I started looking at land. Then I had some questions so I went back the next weekend. This time I talked to a guy. Boy was I glad I stopped in before I bought property.

He answered my questions and showed me the plans I was looking at on the computer told me what 3 bedroom model they were on the lot. Then he said I needed to get everything done right then or very soon so they could get my order in. Because they are on back order until December!!

The women told me I could move in June if I got everything rolling in February. I can’t wait til December. He said if I Wanted to roll part or all the land into fencing I would need a 640. Needless to say I left feeling defeated.

So since my scores were over 620 I decided to call the mortgage guy. Who in November said get it over 620 you can get a house. He basically acts as if I am bothering him and says no I need a 640. I told him I just wanted to buy not build. He said I still needed 640. I didn’t have enough down. I have like $10k down. I hung up and decided I wasn’t going to deal with him. A few days later the guy at work gave me a number to someone who can get me the money and find the house. Do it all like my boss did when I bought my first house.

I called him he said since fucking covid they went up on what they want and I need a 640 for my middle score. I knew it was middle. Mine weren’t close to there. They updated and one shot to 652 the others went up but still 17 points from 640. Then something hit my credit and knocked my other score back to 580 something. Now I am waiting until Sunday when they update again to see if my 623 goes to 640 and my 652 stays. I was even looking for someone to add me as a user on their credit card. If they have had it for a while with no late payments and at around 10% usage it will bust my credit. I wouldn’t need access to the card, nothing would happen to their credit nothing. Once I close they can take me off. If my dad was here I would of had my new house for Christmas.

But with every thing happening around here and what happen Monday. I think I am going to call him I need him to just find me a house to rent. I am going to find out what happens if I get a rental then buy. If my score don’t go up then i can work on it a bit.

Rents are just so high and still going up. Why a trailer seemed good. I would have a bedroom for everyone. Girls would have a bathroom boys would and I would. We would have a family room that could be used for all kinds of things and even a 6th bedroom if we needed. Plus it would be brand new never lived in warranty on everything. I have land. I would have around $140,000 into it. I cant even get a 3 bedroom for that. It would be mine. I could have and do whatever I wanted.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I had found about 5 or 6 house’s I wanted to look at. The one I really liked was in a really nice area. They were all 4 bedroom 2 or more bath. I made my mind up if I buy it is going to be at least a 4\2. I can’t touch a 5\2. It surprised me what a jump in price for an extra bedroom. I found a 3 bed with a finished garage. It was a two car i could put a few walls and couple doors to make 2 more bedrooms. I liked it but liked the others better. But in the last 2 days all but two of them are gone. I am thinking maybe waiting to see what comes up the next few months too and if prices drop. I don’t know what to do at this point.

{February 26, 2021}   Not Safe Anymore

I get home Monday night and I see flashing lights on the street between me and the school. From where I was I thought they were closer to the stop, where JW’s best friend lives. As I got closer I could tell there was a lot of cops and they were about half way down the street but that was it.

I pull in park and go inside and said something about the police down the other street. They start telling me they called them. My oldest said her and 2nd oldest went to walk the dog and get clothes from the dryer.

She said they were standing in the yard talking and all of a sudden they heard something. Then they heard a car and it came flying by the house. She said she didn’t know how they made the 90 degree turn without wreck. Then they heard a women or girl screaming for help and someone to please help her coming from over where the car came from.

She said they were scared to call the police because of the DCF bullshit but the lady sounded so upset and they knew something was wrong she sounded so bad. So they called and a bunch of police came flying by.

We went on with our night I checked to see if anyone around me was talking about it olives.on line because my friend lives across from JW’s and he post if he see’s things going on or messages me because he knows the kids are here when i work. But he hadn’t posted anything. I took my shower and ate dinner and kind of forgot about it. I was flipping channels and stopped on this one I never watch. I don’t know if I went to do something or why it was on there. Well in a little bit news comes on. The first thing they say is 17 year old shot in my area. Not putting 2 and 2 together for some reason. I look up as they flash a picture and show the street between me and the school. The street JW’s friend lives on. Who has a 17 year old son. I walked out in the living room the kids were freaking out.

Little bitty is pointing to the tv telling me thats at their school. It basically is the back yard butts up to the school its right on other side of the fence. Mr. 10 has his hands around his face\head and asking if that is really by us that close. He is my one with high anxiety. Mr.15 is pacing the kitchen asking if I found a place to move yet and when we can move. Oldest is telling me she should of got the car’s tag number and she seen it they could know who it was.

I told her it was fine she did the right thing. Told them it was a targeted shooting. Trying to calm them down some and hopefully keep them from worrying. Although it’s to to close to home and anything could of happened. But us mom’s we have to try to put our kids fears to rest even if we are sick from it all right? I was thinking they know my kids seen them leaving there what might they come back and do? I don’t think anything really but it’s something to worry about.

Soon as I got done with them I went back to my room and called JW to see if he seen the news. He said no and I told him what was going on. He said I have to go make a call I will call you back. He wanted to check on his friends kid. He couldn’t get him. The next morning all the cars were home. He still couldn’t get him. He finally got in touch with him later in the day. Something was wrong with his phone. But his kids were okay.

Then JW finds out it is the two guys he works with it is their cousin that was shot. I am a little pissed off about it for a few reasons. A while back officers seen a car that matched one they were looking for. It was over in an area about 5 minutes away. There was the driver he picked up a kid and there was one other in the car. Not sure if he was already in or got in too. They backed out started to go and the cops came out told them to stop had guns out. The drive did not stop they told him again. He still kept moving the car after telling him 3 times i think the cop shot it killed the 2 boys in the front seat. Everyone had a fit rallied in the streets everything else. Even boy in backseat of the car said he could hear the cop saying stop.

It was said they had been on tik toc waving guns around and pointing them at people just before this happened this why they were pulling them over.

Then at the funeral some 16 year old had a gun on him dropped it or something. Shot him and another girl at the funeral. Now this with 17 year old in my yard basically scaring my kids.

It pisses me of because 1) kids and parents need to look at who their kids are running with and what they are into. 2) teach them better to start with so they aren’t out here doing this stuff. 3) take it somewhere else not our decent nice areas. 4) I was already moving in the next few months now its asap because my kids don’t feel safe.

My area was a nice area I grew up here running all over. I would walk to the store’s work, shop or hung out. We would go play on the playground at the park. I have been here since 2014 my kids have never done these things. It sucks that now they could it isn’t safe. People like this guy call you friend why him and his family are part of the issue and bring it to your house like this.

This has been my week. Hope your is better. I will fill you in on the house hunting renting\buying mess in another post. Spoiler alert it isn’t going well. But of course not when dose it?

{December 8, 2020}   We Made A Plan

One day last week was when I was talking to Sleeping Beauty and figured out what was really wrong. I haven’t gotten to talk to JW about it as of yet. But we did get together Sunday. I went to get him so he could go shopping and things.

He was still sleeping when I got there so I laid down with him. In a little bit he woke up we spent some time together. We finally got up got ready and left. I went to this little out of the way store to check it out and when we left we wanted a drink. I stopped at a little store but then thought lets go get something to eat. I just wanted to sit down have a talk. I was either way didn’t matter to me if we ate or not. So I ask him if he wanted to go eat he said yes. So we didn’t even get a drink we headed down a few blocks to go eat. He seen a car show wanted to go. He wanted to eat first. So we went in to have breakfast.

I think he brought up trying to find a place to move together. He was talking local. I told him I didn’t want to do that anymore. That I didn’t feel it was best at this point. He looked funny and kind of worried.

I have been looking since the first of the year to find something with no luck. Now I am 3.5 months or so from my lease being up. Even if we found something by the first I am so close to my lease being up it don’t make since to have that fight with getting out of my lease. AND if we get into a lease right now we will be in it for a year. Meaning moving away is put on hold again. My big reason for not wanting to do it. If we didn’t we would be leaving on another lease that would be two back to back and that would not look good.

I asked him did he still want to move up by his kids? He said yes he would like to. I told him I think I need to at this point suck it up stay where I am and when my lease is up at the end of March we need to get out of here. He wasn’t looking to sure about that. I told him I can have between $8,000 and $10,000 by then. Plus I have money every month coming in. We can go get a place pay rent up a few months what I have coming in monthly will pay bills. If he saves between now and then we will have that money as well. We talked about him moving in with me after the first that will save over $1000 right there. I am thinking about finding a 2nd job after Christmas until we go. I can put all that in the bank and not touch it. He already works all day everyday Monday-Saturday so no time for him to get another job.

I hope he don’t make an excuse or something when the time comes. I have made my mind up I am going with or without him. If he does me that way. I will just call my friend J and tell her get ready make room we are on our way and go to South Carolina instead of Georgia. It don’t matter to me where I go as long as I am out of here.

But I think he is onboard he even said he think it be best because we can’t afford to live here. He wanted to keep rent $1000 or under. Last few times we talked he was like I told so and so if he seen anything for $1300 or less. But really we are going to have to pay at least $1500 a month if we stay here. He is starting to see how it is because I have been looking at places to live up around where we are looking to go and i can still find decent stuff in the $800 range. New and a lot nicer than where we are right now. If we went for something in the $1000 range we can get a huge place. Enough room no one can complain. For $900 to $1000 I can get 5 bedroom. I would like for the kids to have their own rooms.

I feel good we have a plan because like I told him if we don’t decide this is what we want to do when we want to go how and when all we are ever going to do. Until we are stuck here with no money and homeless because we can’t afford anything. Rent has went up $500 since January. I can’t imagine what it will be here by March when my lease is up. They are getting $800 for a bedroom in someone’s house. It is unreal how bad it has gotten.

{January 29, 2020}   Questioning Everything Today

I don’t know what is up with me I have been in a mood all day pretty much. I started the day fighting with Little Bitty about getting up and going to school. Then I took them to school stayed to watch Mr. 9 Get his awards. I watched Little Bitty get hers yesterday. After that I walked home got the car and left. I went and got coffee and a sandwich, I got him a coffee and stopped at his job for a bit and drove around and talked to Bff for a while. I was just in a mood and venting by the time she called me.

I am wanting to move and thought I finally had things together enough to do that this year. Then everything happen with JW my childhood Friend and now I feel like I am putting everything on hold again. I can’t find anything decent around here for less than $1100 a month or more. I am getting really discouraged and really thinking about everything.

When me and father of the year was together we bought our house to flip and move. He lost his job didn’t work for years and everything went to shit. Then I got with RC and he was all about lets get things settled and move up to where he was from and we all know how that ended. In 2015 I had everything set down to renting a truck and my dad got sick. I paid everything up to be with him and weeks later i was left and stuck here. I know he had no control over that what so ever didn’t want that to happen, didn’t plan it or whatever don’t get me wrong and think that is how I mean it at all it really isn’t. I am just saying I do what I am supposed to and things and I always end up on the shit end of the stick. I lost my dad and got stuck here all at once.

Finally now I can probably make it happen and get out of here once and for all and now we reconnect and this happens. He don’t want to move and I’m just like okay lets try this see where it goes. I’ll stay. Me and oldest was talking about moving over the weekend I said maybe in couple years and she said I’ll be grown by then. I can go where I want do what I want. Not in a nasty way or what just a you been saying this kind of thing.

That has stuck with me because I did not want my kids to grow up here or to live here once they were. The jobs are shit, the cost of living is through the roof and its just not a good place.

Then today him saying to me do what is best for you and the kids and I understand has stuck with me. I keep thinking of it. It’s like how can he say I have such strong feeling, I want to be with you, I’m so happy, I want this and in the next breath say but if you move you move it is okay. I understand? I will be sad I don’t want you to go but if you do you do? All I keep thinking now is so how does he really feel? Is he just here because I had something to do with him? Just in it for here and now? If he cares no more than that then why am I putting my life and plans on hold for him? Why am I making my kids wait even longer?

Why does anyone want to live here and struggle all the time if they could go somewhere else and live cheaper and happier? I will pay almost twice as much in rent here than I would up around J. I could have things we want, a boat, 4 wheeler, trips or what. I could work one job and not work 24/7. I could live in my house not just come home go to bed, wake up go to work repeat all the time. I could spend time with my kids doing things. I could be happier. If I can make it and get ahead and save living somewhere like that working one job imgain what I could do if I lived somewhere like that and worked two for even 6 months or a year. I could buy a nice house and have a nice down payment. I could take the kids on trips I have wanted to take.

Instead I am going to stay here work 12 to 14 hour days, never see my kids, still struggle to get by, have him here to work in trying to see and do things with on top of all I already do and take care of. Just be unhappy and miserable. So I find a house at $900 to $1000 to rent right now, in a year rent goes up and now how am I going to afford it? Because god knows you don’t get raises around here and the cost of living is already over what it should be compared to the pay. What next year I end up homeless again? Who knows if he even wants to move or would consider it in a year or two if things are going good. He says he is home don’t want to go anywhere. Then what I move and leave him then? Then what is the point in doing all this and prolonging the inevitable then. Why not just leave and leave him here now than when we have a year or two invested?

Bff just says oh your in love, stop, things will get better, they will be okay and work out. No they aren’t. How can you be happy when you are putting your life on hold?  Why am I the one putting my life on hold? Why is it always me that says okay I can wait? When is it my turn to have something that would make me happy for a change and someone else put their life on hold or change their plans for me?

Like I told her I think I am meant to be single. I think I am happier single. Yeah it is lonely sometimes but it passes and I can do what I need to do for me and my kids and feel is right for us without worrying about someone else.


{January 13, 2020}   Thinking Ahead

There are a lot of decisions to be made in the next few months. Some will not happen until 5 or 6 months down the road but need to have a good idea and grasp on things now as to what we are going to do. This way we can get things set in motion in order for it to all play out with as little interruptions as possible. Few major things to think about and plan for such as………

The truck I got screwed on. Fix it with new motor then sell? Buy brand new truck that will last me forever? Fix it and keep it? Fix it give it to my oldest?

I have no idea but have to decide and do something now or soon. Because I can’t leave it sitting much longer and need the extra seating soon now more than when I bought it.

To move away this year or stay another year? If I move when? If I stay here then I have to decide do I want to stay where I am or move somewhere different? House wise that is. I have the best set up with the kids school being right there. But the house isnt great and I am tired of dealing with the managment team. It isnt worth what I am paying rent is going to go up again. But will I find anywhere cheaper the same size in better shape? How will the school set up be?

If i move away or here where am I going to move to? Stay in the same area here or make a big change? If I move away do I go where my friend is or other family or somewhere all together different?

How is that going to effect the huge change I just made last week? How do I handle it and all that goes along with it in between all that is coming up and going on?

I have no idea what I am going to do or how to move ahead at this point. Most the time I am full force straight ahead.

I am going to really have to think about it all and figure it all out. I need to look back at my goals I set last year see what I have done and what still needs to be done. Set some new ones and fix some old ones.

{October 29, 2019}   Has Anyone Heard From

This is one of if not the very first blog I started following when I started my blog years ago. Passive Aggressive Abuse it was a really big ah ha moment reading her blog and all the information she put on it about passive aggressive abuse. For once in my life I didn’t feel like I as crazy, over reacting or many of the other things that everyone said at the time when they found out me and ex were getting a divorce. I followed her blog and we interacted often on it. But she just disappeared a few years ago, haven’t seen anything from her. I often wonder about her and how she is and what happen once she moved out.

As you can see her last blog post was that she had done it she finally moved it was her first night in her new place. I wonder and worry if something bad happen between her and her husband if that is why she hasn’t been back. I know that some family knew of her blog and that at one time he had found it too. I don’t know if that is maybe why and if she did a new blog under a different name or what. If so I would love to follow or at least know an update as to what happen if she is alright. When one leaves they can be at so much more of a risk of the abuser getting worse and doing much worse things to them even death. I don’t know if I have asked on her before or not but it don’t hurt to reach out and try again.

So if anyone knows anythings please let me know.

{November 11, 2018}   Life Changes

I am having a lot of very conflicting feelings about a lot of things right now in life, with everything going on. I am feeling very restless with this new job and the new year approaching. With the new year coming up fast it brings with it decisions to be made. The biggest one being moving or renewing my lease. That brings up the question of if we move are we moving away or just to a different house in the area? If we aren’t going to move away do we really want to put effort into just moving to a different house? Is it worth moving to another house if we are not going to leave the area? What are the pros and cons of moving to a different house if we stay. Why are we going to stay and not move away? What are the pros and cons for that?

As much as I want to move away I feel that life is finally coming together and somewhat settling down for us for once. I have this new job and even though it isn’t enough to cover everything I have my other job and it is what it is for now. Most are working two jobs or have a roommate or something to get by it is what life is for most people right now and I am happy with both jobs I have right now if this is the way it has to be. I feel that maybe this is what I have been waiting for in order to get things together and be able to move on the terms I want to move on. Having money to go, being able to save money to go on and all that. That this is my time to get everything and everyone paid off, my truck gone through and the things big and small fixed on it or to just sell and get something else. To research and visit some places and check them out not go blind. These are all things I wanted to do but haven’t been able to do because I haven’t had the job or jobs to do it.

Then comes the fact that okay if we stay my lease is up do I stay in this house or do I try to find something different if I stay here? Pros for this house are it is under $1000 a month, it is 4 bedroom, it has a big yard, it is 3 doors down from the little kids school, I can have the dogs, it isn’t a horrible area, I am only 5 miles from one job and 10 from the other. Cons are the rent is going to go up at least $25 to $50 maybe more but I hope not. I will still be under $1000 but not to much under and could be at $1000 if they raise it more. They fix things but not everything since this new person has taken over. The yard is not fenced in at all so I have to have a pin for the dogs and they don’t have much room to get out since they have to be in it. The guy across the street that has been seen messing around my house and been in trouble. I am ready for a change.

I have found some houses that are 3 bedroom that are nicer and under a $1000 or right at it. But the kids would have to change schools and they wouldn’t be so close to walk. Them being able to walk is a big one so that the older kids can get them to and from school so I can work. I will be further from both jobs. As for rent I will be paying about the same in rent as I will if I stay where I am and rent goes up, maybe a little more but not much. I feel that if I am going to be working my ass off and paying almost the same then I should get us a nicer place and maybe have more room and I would not move if the yard was not fenced in. So the dogs would be able to get out like they should and the kids could go out even if I wasn’t home. I don’t like them going out now when I am not there because of people that walk and drive around there and the fact that they are always running off the road into to peoples yards into their cars, fences and everything else. The little ones are just that little and don’t always think or will run after the dog or a ball or something if it went out into the street. I don’t want the dogs getting away when I am not there.

At the same time I feel like would it really be worth it? Even if it was nicer, fenced in and close to schools and met all we wanted it to or close to it. Is the hassle of packing moving and all that really worth it? If this works why not just stay and keep plugging along. I just feel it is time to move on from here one way or another be it move off or just move to another house in the area. I have felt this for a while, that we are not supposed to stay here anymore. That we need to get out as soon as we can. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like this chapter is done whatever it is or was and it is time to start a new one and it wasn’t meant to be here. I have even thought about trying to buy something here if I stay to get my payments down lower and to get into something else. Then if or when I decide to move sell it or rent it out. I would give my sister first option at moving in it if she wanted to with her family. If not then I would consider renting it out if I could find a good renter that wanted to sign a lease for a few years. I let BFF rent it if she wanted to and my sister didn’t. Other than that I wouldn’t probably rent to anyone I knew. I would have someone local that would keep and eye on the place go over check it out do a walk through every so often and things like that. Just to make sure it isn’t being messed up. Because I know when people know or think the owners are not in town they feel they can get away with more than if they are in town.

I just need to decide because I need to figure out and let them know something at my house if I plan to move and I need to start getting ready and start looking for places or checking with agents to try and find something. If I am really looking to buy I need to start that process now because anyone that has done that knows it can take months. I think maybe I will talk to an agent and see if there is a chance at buying or if that is something I should just forget right now. Then decide from there.

I don’t want to move away either because I just started this new job and love it and they love me and it is what I have been looking for and I hate to in a few months go oh sorry I’m leaving. Leave them stuck looking to hire someone new again and train them and things.

I don’t know I just feel that at this point in life if they keep me and I keep my other job and things that this is where I am supposed to be and this is what I been trying to get so that I can get everything in order to move away like I wanted to. I just have to really feel the time is right and not like I am just jumping and going with little to no resources and things. I feel like that I have not hit that point yet. This is going to give me the time to do that. Think I am going to go look at houses for sale and rent see what is out there.

{October 11, 2018}   This Bitch Has To Go

I can’t keep living like this with her the kids are misreable and unhappy. I was to a point that I felt nothing toward her no love really no hate, but right now it is to the point I can’t say I feel anything for her but hate and discuss and that I want her gone and that I do not care how or why. I don’t care if something happens to her or she leaves because she wants to. Either one would be 100% fine with me. I hate her being here, I hate and despise everything to do with her. I can’t stand to even have to see her, speak two words to her or even just her presence in the house without even having to see her gets to me. Even when no one is home me all the kids are out just knowing she is in my house bothers me. It feels like I am sharing my house with Satan himself anymore. When she is out I will be blocking her from my phone and the kids phone, I will block her from contacting everyone in everyway possible down to social media. If she shows up at my house no one will be answering the door to her, if she don’t go away or cause a problem I will call the police and have her truspassed, after that I will get a restraining order if I have to. You can not be nice to someone like her or help her it is her way or no way and I am done.

You all know how I told you she didn’t pay me for months and months because I “owed” her money. Then when it was all said and done and figured out she owed me and then still needed $300 from me. Now tonight she says that never happen and she never got the $300 from me. Now how I owe her $1200. Funny back when this was all figured it was like $123? Something or $126? Something she owed me. So I had the $1200 she owed the rest and then got $300 on top of that. But now she swears I owe her $1200 I have supposedly borrowed just since August/Sepetember. I know I “owed” her maybe $100 where a few times we took the kids out to dinner and I should owe that because we would not of went if she had not threw a huge fit and started a big fight. Then it was I could give it back to her after the first of the year. Then there was a couple times they have gotten stuff out or went out her treat and now she is charging me for it. Other stuff she has taken upon herself to buy when we did not need it I already had it it just wasn’t good enough or clean enough or not what she wanted. So she bought what she wanted now thinks I should pay for it. So she has started not paying rent again. Says she is “paid” up until past time she thinks she will be moving out. I have never wished bad on anyone but I wish something would happen that would get her out of my house and it don’t seem that it is very likely it is going to be good but hey whatever it takes at this point it takes.

Just like they were talking about this storm hitting she like I don’t know if I should call and hold a few motel rooms for us or not. I said not for us because we are not going anywhere, its hitting on the other coast and more north in the pan handle. Right in on your stupid you don’t care about these kids and to stupid to know what it could do here how bad the outer winds are going to be. Blah blah blah on and on and she thought she was going to call somewhere hold a couple. She would of lost her money and wanted me to pay for that even knowing I said we were not going.

She kept asking what I was going to do about the rent what was I going to do about it where was I going to go. I finally told her my truck I did not have it and had no where to go left it at that. I did not tell her I was trying to leave state it was none of her business number one and number two I still had no where to go there either so I still be in my truck. She said she guess she was going to be in hers too. I just said okay. She started something about me not caring about her or the kids and things. I said look I am doing best I can I have me and them to worry about I can’t do for anyone else. While she pulls I have to stay in my truck bs it was all a lie. She done told me earlier I better see if I could stay with bff and she was going to my sisters but she didn’t have room for us how she was going to have to sleep on the couch as it was. It was fine by me because I would not of went there anyway I would of went somewhere and stayed in my truck. But her having to sleep in her truck just a poor her I should figure something out. I didn’t and it pissed her off big time. Well the 3rd rolled around I still wasn’t trying to do anything acording to her. All of a sudden it was here is the $200 for rent give it back to her Friday. I don’t care I give it back to her I pay everyone back one reason I can’t get ahead. I told her I had $100 that it. Now lights going off because I gave her the $100 now she pays it but give her it and the other back when I get paid this week. Knowing I need pay other bills. But it her way have control and she can tell others see she can’t pay her bills i paid them and forget to say how she hasn’t paid rent in months and had she I could of.

Why do the good people, the helpful people, the people who care and do love get taken so soon while people like her get to live and make everyone miserable? The only one who will help you and take you in this is how she does. She already made comment about i don’t need to pay my phone the money needs to go on the bills. How i should not have paid on my guns. When i paid on them as far as I knew i had the money for the bills. She made the comment how she was going to make sure I did not have money to pay my phone I didn’t need it and they did not need theirs. I could take theirs and use. That is just so that they have no way to get a hold of me when I am not here and she can do what she wants or make them they have no way to call anyone if they need to. That isn’t going to happen. She told my oldest again the other day she was going to smack her over something. I told her before put a hand on one of them I will press charges. I told oldest if she puts a hand on one of them to call the police then me. I will press charges so fast her head will spin and I will not drop them and she already has battery charges from the past on her while she tries to act like she so good anyone who has anything is the worse of the worse and shouldn’t be allowed to walk amongst us.

I am going to see about housing tomorrow and going to ask them how can I get her out ASAP.

She come in here yelling having a fit like a little kid that I had better turn my celling fan off right now or “she” is not paying anymore bills here this is why the light bill is close to $200. My lights run about $125 give or take a few dollars when she is not here. Kids are kids they leave lights on all over all the time when we are up. I keep the air on 77 at night and 79/8 0 in the day. She has done nothing but bitch about the air settings since she been here. To high in the day to cool at night. Anyone else comes in my house stays the night says air is to high at night they are hot. They also say they are hot in the day. So day maybe little warm for her but I can not afford to run it at 77 all day and when you do it don’t shut off ever. It can go lower than 79 if it gets to warm they put it on 78. But most times below 79/80 more than a few minutes we are cold and turning it up. At night we are fine with 77 sometimes we go to 76. We all run a fan at night so helps with not having to turn air lower it keeps it cool. My bill is still $125. We also turn every light inside and outside of my house off at night. It is pitch black dark in and out nothing on.

She is always turning air down lower day and night. Screams 77 is to cold but all week we have woke up freezing and soar throats to find the air on 75/74. Never do we have it that low. 74 in winter i turn heat on. She has the front porch light on from time it gets dark, carport light and the light in the back yard until someone remembers to turn them off if I do. I get in a hurry i don’t go out that area i don’t think of it. Then she will wash one load of clothes 2 to 3 times then dry it 3 or 4 times. Sits up night and day on her computer with the light on. But my fan and the boys fan and light being on over night is what all of a sudden caused my light bill to go to $200. Because don’t we all know that those two things started using 10x the power all of a sudden and none of that other stuff has anything to do with it. Oh i even have a deep freeze in the laoundry room plugged in all the time and never have bills that high. I guess they made my water bill go up to not her washing the same load of clothes 20x or washing her hands 30x in a row. We got in a big fight about it to night its all two fans and one lights fault. But there is nothing at all mentally wrong with her and everyone else has the problem.

I just want to go ripped her stuff out of the bedroom sling it all out in the street and tell her to get out with it. But she won’t go she knows the laws and all so I would just get in trouble cause more problems for myself. I am just so aggervated. Tonight I said I was turning in an app for housing. She had a fit about that. When was I going to tell her like I am supposed to tell her everything i do like i am 5. She better be told about this stuff. Where was she going to go? I said i hadnt talk to the people i told her as soon as i knew if or when we were going to be moving but i had no idea if i would even get something. That i would probably go on a list for who knows how long.

Then she telling me how I’m not going to get help from them, this place don’t do that, I don’t know what I am talking about, they only help for a few days or weeks then where am i going to go on and on. Then how she just looked it up. I said show me. She pulls some site up shows me that is not there site it is just talking about one of many services they offer not the one i am applying for. I show her she is not on their site it is a different service then she has to keep trying to prove her point keeps digging finds their site see’s it says what I said such and such housing. She like oh there that maybe. Now she been shown she is wrong she has to have something to find wrong with it or prove me wrong. So it was back to i don’t care about my kids the places they give you isn’t safe to live or leave the kids alone at. I walked off and went to bed didn’t say a word to her. Then in a minute she telling me how I am wrong again I have to be homeless or they will not help me and I have to be sent by somewhere else or they won’t. Wrong again I seen that too somewhere on their site but it was not talking about the program i am trying to get into.

I am trying to get into a program that my rent and bills will be lower because it is affordable housing for struggling people like me. To help them get on their feet. I just want it long enough to finish school so I can get a decent job and get off of all help. A year maybe year and a half. I can’t work full time two or three jobs and go to school and do internships. If my rent was less and included my water and lights then maybe I could work part time and go to school or even if I worked full time and went one job should cover it all. Not like now where one full time job don’t cover everything in a month so I am having to work two jobs 7 days a week. That don’t work and going to school and all school needs.

I just hope something works they say they can help and the list is not to long. But like I told the lady Tuesday even if they can not help now and don’t have anything open maybe if the have to put me on a list they will be to me by the time i have to sign a new lease if i can keep scrapping by here until then. Because when I sign a new one my rent will go up $50 to $100. There is no way I can pay that at this rate. She said because I have a child with a disability and I am a single mom with 4 kids I would get bumped up on the list some if i meet income requirements for them to help me. I think the amount of income vs. the amount of your monthly cost to live bumps you to if your income is so low or to low. The fact i have a job and trying to do better helps too. She said a lot of times when they get to people on the list they no longer meet the guidelines, they do not have good contact information for them or they have moved out of the state or county so you move up faster that way. She said they had a 3 bedroom they just had to make people get out of and are reduing that I could maybe get it if I hurry and get in there and they have not called someone on the list and given it to them all ready and i met the requirements. I was to sick earlier to go but am going in the morning as soon as i come from taking kids to school.

Wow did not plan to wright all that but I am so mad i had to get it out some where. If it had not been here who knows what would of happen here at home tonight because i am just about in one of those I don’t care moods. If she got this far cross your fingers that this place can help me tomorrow and that it is sooner than later. She also ask me where I wanted to live in the county? I told her one city south of me or as far north of me as they covered I would be fine with. I just really did not want to go south and if I had to not any further than that city but north anywhere was fine. She said she did not blame me she would not want to go south either and that they pretty much only cover my area and north. That a lot of people do not want to move from x area that they are in if what they have open is not in their area they skip them on the list as well the fact I was willing to go wherever helped my placement on the list as well. I said my area is not great and if they are willing to help me I need the help to bad and grateful for what they can do and if moving areas is what it takes it is the least i can do to have a chance to be able to get on my own feet and do for myself and my kids. Moving area is nothing for what they are offering what we would get.

{October 1, 2018}   Where To Move To

I am thinking more that maybe I should just go to GA. It is a closer trip than NC. I am worried about my truck making it plus the money to get there. I will have around $700 to go on all together. I don’t know how I am going to get anything with that. My cousin in NC said they are in a one bedroom so they don’t have room. My one in GA said she may beable to have me a job lined up when I get there. She is checking on places to rent. She said she knows someone who owns a trailer park she is going to check with them. I told her even a 2 bedroom for now i will put girls in one boys in one and sleep in the livingroom. Heck Little Bitty sleeps with me i can put two two beds in girls room sleep in there. One for me & her, one for oldest. Told her if they work with me on upfront cost let me pay extra monthly i be okay. Once i got deposites paid was working then move over to something bigger.

She said she was going to check into somethings and see what help she could find me and what looked best between her and where her sister is. I think I would like it with the one in GA more. I’m just not sure.

Its exciting but nerve racking too. But Llike I told her, as long as I know I have a place to stay someone is going to work with me we are golden. We don’t care how big or small as long as we have a place to sleep cook bath. The rest will come from there. I will get a job and we will work on getting furniture and things we need. Getting a bigger place even. If i have a place to go i would not think twice about going. The not knowing stresses me out and causes panic. But so does being here and no where to go. All I can do is see what she finds out tomorrow. If someone says tell her we will take them work with them i will start packing tomorrow.

{September 1, 2018}   Feeling Stagnet

I am feeling so stagnet and confined right now. I feel like the atmosphere is just so thick and suffocating. Maybe toxic is the word I’m looking for, I don’t know really.

After I have struggled so long or so much has happen somewhere I just feel that I need to get away and have a brand new start. I feel like we have grown and done all we can there and there is just to much bad than good to want to stay around. I don’t know if that is the depression talking or just because I am not use to being in one place long term. Growing up we moved at least once a year if not every 6 months. Since I been on my own 10/11 years out of 14 have been spent living in one of two house. The others were a little ruff and bounced. But for the most part we been stable in that area. Maybe my brain can handle same for a while but then needs change.

I went and looked at furniture a little bit ago. Seen a few things I liked not much. What I did I do not think will fit in my livingroom. I can’t get anything right now anyway. Just wanted to see what the two stores had that I may want to keep an eye on for future sells.

But I bounce between moving away and just getting new here. I have thought about moving somewhere here if I could swing it but I know I can’t. That here in this house is the best place for us if we are not moving away. Its 3 doors from the school, it’s cheaper than anywhere else I will get, i been here so long I am good with the owners. I can pretty much stay here as long as I want and not worry about having to move and things. I feel that when I move I am supposed to be moving out of state not around here. I think I am going to sage the house really good when I get her and everything out and start over.

et cetera
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