{February 27, 2021}   Can’t Wait to Get Moved

I am so over this bitch I can not wait to get moved away from her. She started again tonight about if I found anything and what was she going to do? I am just going to leave her homeless after “all she has done for me”. Let’s talk about all she has done……

Had cps\dcf called on me.

Thrown away and or ruined my rugs furniture and everything else because it wasn’t “good enough” or what she wanted.

Brainwashed my kids trying to turn them against me

Has had code enforcement called several times I almost had to move.

Expectes everyone to do everything for her. Shop, laundry, driver everywhere, go the why she tells you do everything her way. If you get a drink do it this way use this glass not that one dont sit the cup here sit it there. This is no joke or stretching nothing. You can’t sit stuff on one end of the table because something off the ground was sat there 9 months ago. It has been bleached and cleaned. But it is still dirty.

We sleep in a death trap fire hazard every nigh. She has both doors blocked with stuff because you know someone is after us she needs to hear if they try to come in.

The list can go on and on but i can’t because I am already pissed and it just makes me madder thinking about it.

She says she has no way to do this and that. No way to look for a place no one to take her and now all the sick people. It’s no excuse. She could call one of these ride places one of her friends my sister. I am not missing work to help her. I did and she fucked around. Made me miss all day and drove me over the edge dealing with her. She needs committed or something. I dont know. But it is not my issue no more. Few months has been years you can’t help someone who don’t help themselves.

If I could move tomorrow i would and not think twice about it or feel the least bit bad.

{August 16, 2020}   Might Move To The Beach

As I told you in Falling A Part Around Us

I am over this house and still want to move even though I have a new lease I started in March. It is going to be hard to get in a place when they know I am leaving on a lease, the upfront money everywhere wants you to have and to show 3x the rent in income.

I thought of the owner at my job saying if she had something then she would rent it to me. So Monday I went and asked her if they had anything open or would anytime soon. She said no and then said her husband had this one. She said it was on the beach that they had owned it for 6 years he had done nothing with it. She said he was finally fixing it getting it ready to rent it should be done soon. She said it is a 3/2 older house but fixed up and nice and good size for me and the kids. She said she was going to talk to her husband about it let me know. I told her what all was going on at my house now and things. She said no we need to get you out of there.

Last week was a shit show at work. That ended with us having to call 911 for one of their son’s. So needless to say I haven’t heard from her about it yet. I did ask her about it Wednesday. She said no she hadn’t talk to him with everything going on. I don’t blame her really.

So now I wait and you know how hard that is for me. I am stuck because I don’t know anything about this house. I know the town or city it is in and it is pretty nice. It is right outside the gate of the military base. So a lot of them live right there. They get first preference to places to live in the area most the time. So a decent area. You don’t hear of things happening there to much. But i haven’t seen the house to know if it will work for us. She hasn’t given me an idea what rent will be nothing. I know she has to talk to him it’s just hard to wait for something you know nothing about or if it will work.

I told her me and the kids would be moving in then between now and the first of the year he would be. She didn’t care at all. I told her we both had bigger dogs and she didn’t care. She was just like I’m not worried about all that. Glade i met someone or was with someone. This is the place for us if size and rent wise it works. She isn’t worried about him or dogs and knows I am leaving on my lease. Understands why. She was shocked when I said I had been here in my house now since March 2014.

I told JW what she said about having one place that would be ready in a bit. The size that she didn’t mind him or the dogs or my lease and things. All about it but where it was. He asked finally. I said that is the thing where it is. He said why? What’s wrong with where it’s at? I said well it’s on X Beach. He didn’t know what to say. He was excited because he wants to move to the beach. But then was talking how far from work and having to get a car and things. It would take me half hour to drive him to work and then another 20 minutes to half hour to backtrack to work myself. Then I have to go get him we would have to backtrack home. Lot of driving. But hopefully we can get a car and things fairly quickly. And then he can get a better job. I don’t want him working 10/11 hours a day 6 days a week. I want to see him spend time with him and us to have time to do things with the kids. Him working like this won’t do it.

As soon as we have a car and things for him to drive then I can change my hours as well. I can go in at 7/730 and be off by 330/4. Right now I can’t go in early because I have to have him to work by 9 so i can be there by 930. Puts me off the earliest is 6. But if he can get a car get his self there or get a job closer to home I can start going in early. That would be nice. Only reason i go in so late now was because of school for the kids. I stay til 630 so i get to him by 7 when he gets off. I see him a bit then go home. I don’t want to be home so it works. But I want to get off early come home to just my kids and do stuff with them.

We will be a mile or less to the beach probably. Walking distance. I told him I would be over there all the time at night walking. I could take the kids they could look for shells, crabs and all kinds of things. They would have a blast. He is already talking about being out there on Sunday a few hours. I just looked at him. He said what I’ll take all the kids we will have fun you can relax and have a break or go with us sometimes. He loves the beach. I just hope it works out.


I think I said it somewhere in the last week or so in another post but I don’t know what one or where. But I still can not justify not moving away in my mind. I have tried and tried and I thought okay when I find something and get into a better place and things I will be able to. But I am looking and there is nothing out there better that isn’t $1200+ a month. And even then it isn’t much better than where I am.

I just keep thinking I could move up by J and find a job making as much as or more than what I make at both my jobs put together right now and pay half what I am in rent for a nicer place. Or even if I paid as much as I am now I would have one job, decent hours, and a much nicer place. I would be out away from things not right on top of the person next to me. I would get to see my kids, spend time with them and do things. I wouldn’t be struggling. I would have help with things and the kids. I could have a break once in a while. The kids would have friends and family to do things with and spend time with and grow up with. We wouldn’t sit alone on the holidays and weekends all the time. We could have parties and do things again.

Yesterday on the way to my night job I seen a rent sign so after work I picked JW up we went to eat and I decided to drive by there. We found the house and it looked nice and was in a nice area. It didn’t say anything about the house just hat it was for rent and the name of the company to contact. I googled the address and pulled it up and they want over $1200 a month for it. It was three blocks from the school around the corner from a park and ball field. In a older quite little area.

This morning I picked him up and we were talking on the way to work and things. Something was said about being here and things I told him, I hate it here, I can’t stand it here I want away from here so bad it isn’t even funny. He asked me why I never left. I told him I was set up to when my dad got sick and I paid my money out to be here and take care of him and everything happen the way it did. That Father of the Year pulled the crap he did and I have struggled the last few years to get decent job or jobs and finally be able to again. He just said oh.

I said I have nothing here, I have no one here really. I don’t see my family hardly at all, I have bff but she can’t be counted on for anything. She is just someone to talk to and hangout with she can’t be counted on to help in anyway. Even when she says she will she don’t . He said you have me. I told him I know that isn’t what I meant and not the same.

He keeps saying that it is all going to be different things will be better when I get moved I am just stressed and things. That he is there to help.

But like I told him, okay but still I am way over paying to live in a dump or maybe a step up from a dump, working my ass off to keep it and struggling. I can’t have anything else because i am just getting by still and I still can’t see my kids and we still hardly get to see each other. Even if we are living together. He is working over 60 hours a week and I work 60. I haven’t been working my full 60 the last month or so I have been so depressed and stressed and the mess going on with my teeth. But I have to get back at it right a way. Then I am off the weekend for what he works 10 hours or more on Saturday then Sunday we have things to get done and the day is over.

I know life isn’t perfect we have to work we have to pay bills and things. But I also know that there are places where rents are not a million dollars a month and jobs pay more than $8 an hour. The cost of living isn’t going to be perfectly balanced but it isn’t going to be so far out of balance that you can’t drive a block down the rode without seeing 10 homeless people laying or sitting around on every corner sometimes 10 on two out of 4 of the corners all through the town. Or a junkie sitting on the bench looking like she is one hit away from ODing. It wasn’t like this when I was growing up. It really wasn’t. We had bad areas of town there was a few homeless that would pass through or what. But there wasn’t families begging for a place to live and sleeping in their cars and in the woods and begging for tents and food and things. Rents were normal price. The cost of living wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t so far out of sorts that you had no hope of finding anywhere to live either. There was always places at decent prices and people willing to work with you if you needed the extra to get in or what. You could rent a place and go in a fix it up yourself and not have to pay deposits and things. People helped people.

Now everyone is struggling so much they can’t help if they wanted to because they can hardly help their self and working their self to death trying to just survive. There is so much I want to do and would love to do to get involved in my community and things and I can’t because I am working so much just to get by.

I broke today I told him but it isn’t going to be better when I move. I am going to still be struggling and working all the time. Even if we are living together we are still going to be working our asses off just to get by and still not have money to save in case something happens or have anything at the end of the day. That is if I can find a place at all. I am searching and begging for a place to live and somewhere that is decent and finding nothing. I’m going to pay the same as I am now or more to live in a worse area and in a house in as bad a shape as mine or worse.

I don’t understand why everyone is okay with this. I don’t understand why no has a desire to do better have better or want more. Why are they all just okay with working their asses off and not having anything and living in dumps in bad areas of town? Why are they not trying to have or do better. Why do they do things that just leaves them in the same spot they are already in instead of trying to do better?

Like Bff only has to pay $375 rent, lights and water. She went and got a truck payment, she wants to go get jet ski and a boat and all this other stuff. But she is always borrowing money from her mom and another friend of hers. She is two months or more behind on her rent. Then says but it is because….. Not it isn’t because. It is because she waste her money. All while she is complaining because her house is falling down around her. It needs a roof, floors and walls fixed because the roof has leaked so much. It needs the bathroom done because it never was and a few other things. She has someone that will help her get most of it done it will just cost supplies and she talks about how she don’t have the money to do it. but she has paid someone elses way for a year and making a truck payment and going away for fun for the weekend getting motel rooms and spending money out all the time. For her and this other person and the kids.

She had over $20,000 she got from a settlement and it was gone in less than a week. She didn’t catch bills up or anything like that. She could of fixed her house and bought a decent car or truck that she did not have to make payments on. But instead she is fine with living like she is and not having anything. Then cries because she works about 45 hours a week or so. That is to much but she don’t make enough and she is always taking off and missing work to go play around or just because.

I work my ass off and can’t catch a break. Like Jw well things will be better and when we are together and move in together. We still are not going to be that much better off if I quite one job we aren’t going to be any better off we are going to be right where we are now. That is my goal and what I want to do with in the next 8 months or so is be in a spot where I can carry everything and only work one job. Still be able to have things and do things. As long as I am here I dont’ see that ever happening and I hate it here. Honestly he is the only thing I have here and reason I have to stay and honestly it isn’t enough to make me do it this time. I care about him, I love him, I want us I want to see where this goes but I don’t want to struggle and live like this the rest of my life to have it. If living like this and struggling like this from now on not seeing my kids hardly is what it cost to have us it cost to much. I need peace of mind and happy for me and my kids. We are going to have to really talk because even if I stay the year to see how things go with us and give it a chance rather it is going good or not I still want out of here so we aren’t living like this.

It is only going to get worse because they are getting ready to build all these new apartments around us and houses and things and the space center is about to take off again and some other places coming in and a ton of people moving here makes the rents go up even more. And everyone thinks it brings jobs and things to the area but it really don’t. it brings highly qualified and special skilled and trained jobs to the area and most all of them are filled by people from other states coming here to transfer. It really don’t help our area out much at all.

Apartments here are going for $1400 and up. 1 bedrooms are going for $1000, rooms for rent in someone’s house with no kitchen access and things are going for $500 and up. I told him last night I am looking at houses for rent and sell. They are the same ones I looked at about 12 years ago for rent and sell. They were beautiful inside and out looked like new. They were getting almost half the price they are now then to rent them. The ones that are for sell are selling for just over what they were selling for then or doubled or more in price. But now they are trashed, they have not been kept up, they have not been taken care of painted or anything like that they are 12 plus years older with nothing done to them and they want all this extra money for them. When they looked like brand new I could rent them or buy them for next to nothing and they are in decent areas.

Everyone I know is moving, I had a friend move a few months ago, another one moving in a couple weeks, others getting things in place to go. They all say you can’t live here it is to far gone and over priced. One is going to New York and has a nicer place and a much better paying job doing the same things they were doing here. They will have money to save and not struggle to get by. Everything is waiting for them when they get there. The others went to Georgia and are doing so much better they went from a trailer to a house and land and paying almost the same as they were here. The medical and things up there are much better as well. Like my friend J in south Carolina said she is getting all kinds of medical things she needed taken care of done up there because she can afford to pay for medical now and they have places that help you if you can’t or what you can’t cover.

{February 11, 2020}   No Luck Finding A Place

I have about 5 weeks to move and need to give my 30 day note next week so they know I am leaving. The only problem is I can not find a place to move to that isn’t hundreds out of my budget.

I need a 3+ bedroom place that takes pets that is no more than $1000 a month. Our 1 bedrooms are starting at $800+ a month. The only thing I have found is down by my night job and I really do not want to live in that area at all. I hate the traffic and the drive in the morning is going to be horrible to get to my day job. I do not know what to do. Plus JW job is over by where we live now he would have to get there and back.

He keeps showing me others at higher prices I keep telling him I can’t. He says but I’m going to be there to help. I finally told him the other day, nothing against him but when I do this I have to know that I can cover rent and all my bills 100% on my own. Yes he will at some point be there to help. But what about until then? What about if something happens and he can’t or don’t come? What if one of us loses a job or something? What if something happen to one of us the other is stuck paying it on their own. If it was me he would be okay he could move. It was him I’m stuck, I can’t move and down size.

Like I told him too, i would like to get to working one job. I would like for him to get to doing a normal 40 hour week. Not working 6 days a week. I would like for us to still be able to save and do things aas well not just get by or maintain. He said yes he understood, I was right, he just wanted to see me and the kids get moved and be somewhere decent and not stuck where we are. That he would help as much as he could even before he moved in and things. But we shouldn’t put us out for more than we really need too.

I have 3 places to call about tomorrow I hope one of them comes through.

{October 3, 2019}   Time to Make Plans & Take A Leap

I haven’t written a lot lately I have just been in a weird state of mind I guess you could call it. You ever been in one of those states where something just seems off or not right? Restless I have been feeling really restless lately that is the word I’m looking for.

I was worried about finding a 2nd job and then learning the job and keeping it. Getting everyone use to the changes and being there with them when I am off. I feel like I settled in and moved right to I’m missing my babies, I love my jobs but this isn’t working we need a change all in a meter of minutes. Because I look ahead and see no change in the future because everything is just going to go up and up and pay is staying the same. I was thinking even if I ended up at my night job full time for the money I am making now it isn’t going to last because it won’t be long before it isn’t enough and I still won’t be home with the kids at night it would be 2 or 3 pm until 12 like it is now and every other Saturday 4 hours.

I have had the conversation me and J had last in my head. When she called and told me she moved and has a place with property and at a decent price. Her saying how happy she is and how glad she is they made the move how much better life is and that they are living and having a life  not just existing like they did here.

I have been wanting to go see her and check it out. Been thinking about wanting to move and having the money and things. I have decided to start checking into the USDA loans and looking at property and houses. I have decided to start making plans and working on moving. I am going to apply for the loan, look up properties I would like to check out and I am going to check into building a house. I would rather build than buy but kind of decided that wasn’t going to happen. But since I have been thinking about doing all this I figured what the hell why half do it, if I can do it I may as well build what I want vs. buying one.

So I have been looking at tracks of land. It’s up in the air if I can get as much as I want but I think I can get maybe half of that. If I buy in the right area I could probably buy more over the years. but even with half I should still have enough for what I want to do. I still have to get an agent and talk to them see how much a can get a loan for, if I want to do owner finance or get the loan or another mortgage. Mostly see what options are out there the best route to go and then decide from there. I am trying to see where I want to be so I can go check the area out.

I have shot myself in the foot I dropped my credit score over 170 points in the last month. I messed up with my school loans and they hit my credit the other day. I could of cried. I went from a few points away from a 600 to under 500. I figured it out last night called and fixed it so they don’t hit again. So that will start showing good again. But I am sure it will take a while to get it back up there where it should be or needs to be. But I have a little bit so I hope they will work with me or someone will.

Worse case I will just rent or buy something with a trailer on it and live in it for a little bit then have a house built or sell and move somewhere else and have one built or have one built and rent that out. That is a bridge to cross if we come to that not worried about it right now.

I have also been looking at jobs in the areas too. I want to start applying for jobs in the area we are looking at about a month before we are ready to move. That way I can hopefully go with a job. But if I can get something as cheap as my friend I can just about pay my bills with what I will have coming in. I can stay with my friend for a month or two if I need to. If I end up being able to build I will probably have that started and done before we go or maybe see if I can get a camper or something and put in her yard for a few months and just pay her. It will help her and save me money. She has room we could stay inside but I want us to have somewhere we can go give them a break and us not be right on top of each other all the time if it is going to be a few months or put it on our property if we are having something built. Would just rather the kids be by them if I am working until we in a house or something more than a camper.

But like I said things are still in the be gaining stages and pretty much just thoughts right now. I am just starting to put thoughts into motion to see what becomes of them. Other than that I have just been busier than normal at both jobs lately. I am going to try and be around more this coming week.

{January 27, 2019}   Re: Not Sure What To Think

I talked to my friend this morning. He said he had a lot going on this week he was moving and things. He moved from his place because they wanted way more than it was worth and was upping the rent. He went to stay with someone he knew but it was about 40 miles or so from work and it really was just a room. He couldn’t have people over or do anything. He spent most the evening driving around just to not be there after work. He couldn’t even have someone over just to watch tv, cookout nothing like that.

He said he moved in with his brother. Its a lot closer to work he has use of the house as if it was his. He seemed a lot happier. He asked if I could come over. I told him maybe this week i could get away and over for a bit.

He still didn’t say anything about the other but I think like me he knew I wasn’t and that if I thought I was or maybe that I wouldn’t of just put it out there like that. That he will probably say something about it when we get together again. It don’t bother me after thinking about it more because I think if he really thought I was or I put it to him like I thought I was and not the way I did he would of responded different.

{June 12, 2018}   Trying Not To Get To Excited

Because nothing is set in stone, but my mom said something today about going to stay with her friend awhile and that her lawyer has her a court date again. I am hoping she will be out by the weekend. I am telling her she needs to go there and stay take her stuff with her. I am going to have her mail forwarded to her as well. Because I want her gone.

Oldest said she said something about moving over there. I don’t know wanting pictures of the place and said something about maybe having me take her by there or having her pick her up to see the place.

She started on me about the money I owe her. When I was going to get it. She owes me $200 more and for months she not paid now. I still need to get it filed asap. I need to get everyone paid off once and for all. I just don’t know I just get tired of dealing with her. I shut down do nothing. I just got to get her out of here.

I have not said anything to her about going over there. She just told me today. I don’t want to seem excited or she won’t go. I have to figure out get her that money. Just to get rid of her. I cant stand having her here.

She is mad she wants to buy a fridge, washer, drier and table for the kitchen. I told her no table no washer or drier. Because the only reason she wants to is because she wants to dictate when and how they are used. She don’t want dog blankets or whatever else washed or dried in them. Right now if it needs washed and fits it gets put in the washer and drier. If she buys them even though she says she is buying them for me or us the kids and us they will not be ours until she leaves. Until then it will be they are hers she paid for them so don’t wash this and that in them. She said before she buy a nice set if we didn’t. I told her no i have a washer drier at home so I do not have to go somewhere else and wash stuff. That I have enough to do without adding that to the list. She got pissed off. Guess she thought asking later I would forget and just say yes.

The table is the samething, i need chairs for mine we have two the others broke. She wants to toss the table and buy a different one. I do not want a table had gotten rid of mine she just had to have a table. I got this one i liked the guy behind me gave me when he moved. She dont want this that and the other sat on it. She gets mad. Well its a table thTs what it is for. She don’t like that it is glass top. The last 3 or 4 I have had are. I love them glass top with kids. So easy to clean and we can do anything on it wips it right off. Paint, draw, glue, playdogh, cook, anything it just comes right up. Don’t worry about stains and things like wood or other things. If she bought one it be wood it be don’t sit this or that on it don’t play at it don’t do arts or crafts on it blah blah. So I told her no i would get one or chairs to go with mine when I got money. It is not a big deal we can make due with what we have. But to hear her tell i am abusing my kids. Because we do not have a nice new washer and drier and we do not have a nice new table. None of we can afford right now. But that don’t matter i should just go get one anyway. Nope not going to happen. Then be shourt on other bills. No life dont work that way. But in her world it does. She should not pay me but buy me all this stuff. If we really need it and i can do without the money and can use it to get all this and it is for me and the kids, then why is she not saying here go find what yall like want? Instead its i found this table and this washer drier set. Why is she picking it out? Because its going to be hers until she moves. Then she going to tell everyone how we had nothing she had to rush in spend all her money to buy this stuff for me because i cant even take care of my kids. My washer things work. Just got them from a friend not long ago a year maybe. My table we only use for counter space or what. So we dont need chairs. When she leaves we are probably going to toss it make an office there.

I just want her gone for good once and for all. She yelled at me the other day had huge fit me and oldest left and left the boys here. She not slept all night and then couldn’t sleep all day because they were here and about having to babysit not to leave them like that again. Got mad I laughed at her. Like i told her I never asked her to babysit or assumed she was. I left them on their own to take care of theirselves. The same as I would of done and have done when she is not there. She could of left went to sleep taken a shower or anything. She didn’t because she didn’t want to. I take a nap with them here no one else here. I let the boys stay home alone why we go out. There is no set age to stay home alone here so if I wanted to I could leave my 7 year old alone. But i do not i leave him and the 12 year old together. They know not to answer the door or cook or leave the house and can call me. They know what houses to go to if they need help. She just crazy as hell and has issues.

{December 12, 2017}   When To Move

I have been thinking about moving a lot lately. Really if I could I would pack my stuff and go now and be done with it. I am so done and ready to be out of here. I told my friend the other day if she had a place I would pack me and the kids up and be at her house in a day or two. She said they are looking for a place and should have one soon that we are more than welcome to come. I would love to go the first of the year like March. My lease is up in March and I will have to sign a new one, if I don’t my rent will go up to $1000 or close to it. I don’t want to pay all that money out even for just a few months. It’s to much and will take a chunk of money I need to move on.

But if I take the classes that need to be taken at the school instead of on line then I will be stuck here until May. I am to the point that I don’t even really want to or care if I finish school or not. If it comes to having to stay here longer or moving I will pick moving any day even if I don’t get to finish at all. I will just have to figure out how to take them on line and make it work I guess if I do want to finish. Right now I am signed up for two classes that would make me stuck here but the more I work things out the more it looks like I am going to drop them two classes and do others.

Right now even if I drop them two classes and don’t take any others for now I have two certificates in May. I should have, had two at the end of this one but I messed up and dropped the wrong class. Even though I will not have my degree like I wanted by the summer, I will have all three certificates under the degree that I am working on. You can get it for Domestic Violence, aging affairs or community Health worker. Right now I have the one for Domestic Violence I will get it in the mail this month. Then I will have the other two by Summer, I can get them rather I move or not because I am taking all the classes on line. If I move in the middle I can still do them and just take my exams through a testing site so I don’t have to go to the school. Worse case I think it is about a day drive, I could always drive down take them and drive back. But that is worse case, I really don’t think I will have to do that.

I have been talking to my friend and I am really thinking that I am going to go up by where she is. At least there I will have help and things. She says that I can get a place the size of mine for what I am paying or hundreds less in nice areas. I can always go there get a place for 6 months to a year and see how I like it. If I don’t then I can branch out and find something a county or city over somewhere.

{April 9, 2017}   Clean Break

The kids last day of school was yesterday and they are out for Spring Break. I told them it is going to be Cleaning Break for them because I am tired of the way the house is and always having to fight with them to clean it. It’s mostly just clutter and I am over it we need to do away with a lot and make the house more functional for us at this stage. We have been here going on 4 years we have changed things around once since then. That was to take the play room out make room for desk and bookcases. The kids all have gotten bigger their needs have changed and we need more room. Not so much more room as we need to make the space we have functional not just cluttered space or a dumping ground for things we don’t know what to do with or where to put it.

I have the 4th bedroom or the back room as we call it that we are going to move around and change up. It is the size of of one and half bedrooms and it has a closet. Right now it has 6 tall bookcases and two short ones, three school desk a regular desk, toddler bed, couch, love seat, queen size mattress/box spring and other junk that has collected back there. I forgot about the three desk until I was writing this just now. One has the printer it will have to stay the other two I am not sure what is even in or on them. The big desk I hope my Big Boy will agree to get rid of because we don’t really need it. But someone gave it to him and he is funny about it. Oh and there is a rocking chair back there forgot it too. The other two school desk I am not sure if I will have room for them or not or if I will use them I will have to wait and see how things go once I move everything around.

Right now I know that I am selling the dinning room table, taking the fish tank and stand out of there as well. I am putting the frogs back in the five gallon tank and taking the big one down. That stand will go in the trash or given away that it is sitting on. It is an old night stand I redone and spray painted to sit it on. The five will sit on my end table nicely in the living room and the frogs will get more interaction. They love when you are at the tank watching them and swim around and things.

I have a dinning room table that use to be bar high with two stools it is a few feet long and couple wide. I cut the legs down shorter so the kids could put their chairs up to it and use it. I think I am going to put it in the dinning area and put the computer on it. Then take a few of the bookcases out of the back and put in there to free up some room in the back room. Make and office area in that area. Maybe put the little desk with the printer in there or one of those little desk out there for the little kids to draw and play out. I have the rug I put in my room it is to big most of it will be under my bed so kind of a waste I am going to put that in there as well. Kind of tie everything together make it look nice.

Then in the back room I am thinking move all the book shelves over to one side of the room and then use the other half for either a family closet like area or a play room. I love the idea of putting all the dressers and clothes out of the bedrooms out there. I think it would make it easier when folding and putting everything away and easier when looking for clothes for everyone. It would also keep the kids from taking things out not wearing them and them getting tossed around their rooms and back into the dirty clothes when they were never wore.

But I also like the idea of having all the toys back there and not having them all over the bedrooms. If it isn’t spotless all the time it is in the back where no one goes but them and it isnt’ all over the floors where they are sleeping and everyone is walking around. I tell them all the time if there was a fire how would they get out there is so much stuff all over their floors. I am also getting rid of a bunch of toys and packing others away for a while so there will not be near as many as there are now so it shouldn’t be as big of a deal. The kids want the play area in the back instead of putting the dressers in there. They said they would rather have a play room than more room in their rooms without the dressers and things in there. I am thinking maybe we will try it this way for a little bit and see how it goes. If it isn’t working then I will move the toys back to their rooms and put clothes back there.

But for now first things are first they are going through all their toys deciding what to get rid of and what to keep. I have to get all the crap back there that I don’t need sold and the table sold so that I can move everything around. I just hope it all sells and sells quick because I want it all gone. I think it will be odd at first with not having a table in the dinning room but I think it will be a lot nicer. We do not use the table at all hardly. It sits a cluttered mess that you can’t even sit down at 99.99% of the time. I we eat in the living room, the little kids have a table and we sit on the couch. Me and the older kids were talking about it and when we were with RC we didn’t have a table big enough for all of us and most the time we went outside and sat at the tables out there and had dinner. The kids loved it they would eat and then run around and play we would sit and talk or whatever. We all ate at the table together more then than we do now with it right in the house with us. We liked sitting outside and eating like that more than at the table in the house. Even now if one of my friends stops over or comes over the kids sit in the living room and eat and me and them go outside and sit and eat and talk. I like being outside in the evenings.

Even when the table inside is cleaned off the kids always want to sit in the living room and watch something why we eat. We don’t end up watching whatever it is with them all talking but everyone is comfortable and they do talk and things. When they are the table they rush to get done and get down.

If everything goes good I hope that we can have everything gone through by the end of the day today now that it is Sunday. Then I hope that it all sells by Tuesday or Wednesday because it is so packed in there right now I can’t do anything until some of the stuff is gone out of there. Right now I have to do homework, I have said for hours now I was going to do it but haven’t yet. I need to get all of it done for the week and then really start going through everything. I started in december then everything happen with sending my couch and things back and using the old one and everything. I have just been to busy since to mess with it all. I think I will go now and start listing stuff and hope to have people coming to look at it tomorrow.

{September 6, 2016}   Trying To Stay Focused

I don’t know what it is but I have been feeling so lonely again lately. I keep thinking it be nice to maybe meet someone just to talk to hang out with or what. At the same time I just want to stay focused on school and getting done, so that we can move. I don’t want to meet someone here and it turn into something and then not be able to move or leave them to move, because that is probably what it would come down to me calling it off to move. After the A Night I Won’t Forget I want my kids out of here more than ever. Everyone who knows says move you got to move. But that is much easier said than done. The people across the street are paying $75 more than I am and was talking about how you can’t find anything in a decent area or even close to decent area for less than $1500. He said his sister I think it was got a house smaller than ours and in an area that isn’t very good at all for $1100. Then I was talking to my aunt and she was talking about moving out of state and how it was so much cheaper and nicer than here. I could have my house for like $500 to $600 a month in a nice area.

I also don’t want to get with someone and mess things up with school or end up putting my plans and school on the back burner. I did that when I met Father of The Year and I did that when me and RC got together. I have wasted to much time working on relationships that are one sided and not going anywhere but to and end. Putting everything on hold for the better of everyone else or until we get in a situation that allows for me to do what I want to do. I am not doing it again. I am going to be selfish this time and do what is best for me and my kids and whoever I may end up with if I end up with someone will have to come along for the ride. They can deal with me going to school and the things that I am doing and work things around it. Whatever happens or don’t happen will have to be worked out so that we both can do what we are doing or something else will have to be figured out or it will have to be forgotten about. If they do not like that and do not want to come along for the ride that is fine I understand and am fine with that. I don’t blame them and wish I hadn’t put the things I wanted on hold for ever one else.

I guess it’s probably because Father of The Year isn’t coming around as much anymore. We haven’t seen him since Wednesday, it’s been just me and the kids. We are so much happier, and the house is much more relaxed and laid back.

I think to before I just wanted to get my divorce over and didn’t really want to meet anyone or think about meeting anyone until it was done. How many going to believe we aren’t together he here all the time and everything else. Just like my friend who said all that stuff about wanting to get together but questioned it and things. It’s annoying because I know what I was doing and I know that I wasn’t having anything to do with him and don’t want it. I was just letting him hang out until I could get my shit in court and over with and him agreeing to it. I figured he wants to hang out and do this that or the other more power to him. Not like he was doing anything else with or for the kids. But like I have said before I don’t blame him for the way he felt thought or whatever. I know I would not be talking to a guy in that kind of situation. I have to question what a guy’s intentions really are if he is willing to date a girl in that situation. Probably nothing long term.

Again it’s not even about the sex, it’s having that person there to talk to, do things with, just be with the support you give each other. Someone I can lay on the couch talk or watch a movie with. That adult contact that you don’t get from the kids or friends.

I haven’t dated in almost 4 years. Well the 15 of this month will be 4 years. As much as I want to focused on school and getting moved and keep telling myself to wait until I move it be better. I feel like I have wasted all this time on Father of The Year, R.C then the last 4 years as well. Thinking about being alone for another 2 years I can’t imagine not having them things for the next two year.

I keep coming back to the I just need someone who isn’t just there to see each other when we can and if we see or talk to others that is fine too. I just want to fast forward through this year be at next year and be done with school have the money and move.  I have training this weekend in the day time. I think after that I am going to get a couple friends and go out find something to do. I already told Father of the Year he has to have the kids. He hasn’t had them once yet since the divorce like he is supposed to. If he decides he isn’t getting them then he has to get a sitter for them. I have to go to this training and it is his time to have them so he needs to pay a sitter if he isn’t going to. I just have to figure out what I am going to do with my Little Bitty. But I have a friend that I am sure will take her and watch her for the night. Her husband works 12 hour shifts and is hardly ever home she is there alone most nights. I would ask her if she wants to go out with me but she isn’t allowed to go out. Little Bitty will love it she really likes her and they will pain their nails and watch tv or whatever.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: