{February 6, 2020}   He Looks Like……..

My car has been acting up again so my Good Friend told me to take it over to his shop so his brother could check it out again. Of course it was fine when I got up yesterday. I picked up JW and we went over there for him to scan it and do a few things to it to see if he could figure it out. He did a few things drove it and everything else and it didn’t do anything.

In a bit my Good Friend showed up and we took it to drive it and again it hardly done anything. Nothing like what it does to me. We traded places and I drove him around it didn’t do it. I drive my car a little different that they do. I am a little hard on vehicles. It still did nothing. We were talking about it and I said it is way warmer now than it has been since it started messing up. I think that has to be something to do with it because it hardly wants to get out of it’s own way more often than not. He said it could be that and that they pulled a couple new codes that also would point to why my lights flash and it started when it got cold. They reset everything and I am going to take it back when it is cold again.

But why me and My Good Friend was out driving around he said something about JW. He came up some how. He says I hate to say it but I’m not the only one who thought it. But he looks like Father of the Year. I said no he don’t and he is nothing like him at all. Nothing at all like him. He said I don’t know him so I don’t know but I hope not. But he dose look like him. He said my old lady said when we seen you all in the pawn shop right before Christmas is that Father of The Year? What is she doing with him? He said but I knew it wasn’t.

I guess I can kind of see it and honestly had the same thought. But just this look they both get. Really father of the year has changed a lot and really don’t look anything like he use to at all. You know how some people get older and still look the same as they did 10 or more years ago and others age and it’s like wow what happen to them? He is on the wow what happen to him side of things. He has not aged well. It has been so long since I have been around that father of the year that I don’t really see it or notice it if that makes since.

I didn’t tell JW what he said. I don’t know how he would take that or react to that. I wounder if the kids thought that or think that when they see him? None of them said anything. But again it has been a while since he looked that way and so long since they seen him I don’t know if they would notice or not. Hell the other week me him and oldest were in the store and oldest went to find something or do something in a different part of the store on her own. In a few minutes she came back and said I didn’t find what I was looking for but I think I seen my dad over there. But it has been so long and he looks so different I am not sure if it is him or not. I went and looked it wasn’t him. I wasn’t sure at first and had to look twice to make sure it wasn’t. I had seen the guy when he came in the door and thought it was him then and turned back around and looked. Because I didn’t want to let oldest wonder around by herself if he was there and I wanted to let her know he was in there before she did just run into him so she would be prepared if she did. I told her when she said it I told her I seen a guy a little bit ago that I thought was him but want’s. But I still went and looked to make sure he didn’t come in I didn’t see him or what. It was the same guy I seen.

So I don’t think they probably think the two look a like really probably.

{August 15, 2019}   Worse Than We Thought

I told you all in my post Back To Mommy’s House and In To Deep Sleeping Beauty had went to his friends and was staying. Well he ended up coming back instead of getting his stuff out. He got nasty with her told her to file with the courts. Then he got all mad because she was going out and had a fit. He left when She said she was going out and left. The few nights he came home and she left he get mad and left. Then he called and wanted money and told her he wanted $30 for them talking. She said she went and met him and that he got nasty with her started hitting the dash of the truck and window and all that. She said he scared her.

She told me the other day how bad it has been and that the police would not help her get him out or tell him he couldn’t come back.

The last few days we have been talking. I told her to to tell him I would move in with them. I told her I would come over Wednesday when she was off or come stay for the weekend. Or all of it. She kept saying she had it under control she was going to get him out.

Then she told me how his friend the other guy that worked at the shop with us that he was staying with before he came to my house and stayed told her he is doing Meth. His mom stopped by the other day it was their birthday his and hers I guess and she told her that when he moved from her house a few months ago and she cleaned his room out she found a bunch of spoons in his room all burnt up and coke bottles all under the bed.

I said yeah because he is snorting the cocaine, smoking crack and then doing the meth and when they are on the meth tons of empty coke bottles around. She just looked at me we were out at breakfast yesterday morning when she was telling me this. She looked shocked she didn’t know what to say and she said I didn’t know all that. I said yeah it is said but true.

I said that is also probably why he has been so nasty lately like that. He is mixing all this together taking what he can get when. I told her the cocaine and, crack only last a few minutes at a time. I am not sure about the other. I said so that is why they are always trying to find it or get money to get it. I said just like asking you for $30 because you all talked. I said that isn’t right. I said and getting nasty over everything.

She told me he is staying at the apartment where the girl he calls his little brother was living her and her girlfriend moved out. He is staying there. He was telling her how he hadn’t eaten in days and how dirty it was, how he had no money and things.

She told me how the other guy told her that when they go in to get paid on Monday they can get their cash or they can get 3 grams. I said three grams is nothing gone in no time.

I told her she better do whatever she had to do to get him out of her house and that with school starting back she was going to come home to her house emptied of anything worth anything. She said oh she don’t have anything of value really her tv or something. I said you don’t understand, it don’t have to be of any value hardly at all but they will still take it because they know they can get something for it. I said I know people who traded the shoes off their feet. There friends car and food out of the freezer to get whatever couple of dollars they could get to try and get what they needed. I said so your tv, your computers, tablets, and anything else that he can pick up and walk away with. She again looked funny and just went on eating.

I said i am also at this point worried about your mom and sister over there by their selves. I said I would not put it past him as nasty as he is being to go in there on them or go over there all nice and get in and then do something to them to get money or take their stuff. I said he knows that she helps you when you need it and that she has some money of some kind there or somewhere. I said he may even tell someone else hey there is a older lady or old lady and her disabled daughter who live over there go see what you can get or what. Then he gets his cut.

I said normally I wouldn’t think that but he is staying over there like you say he is and that is not him he don’t want dirty or messy or anything like that and he is use to eating. I said and we know he is on this, she is telling you what she found and he told you what the girls are on and with all the bottles and things his mom found he probably is too and the fact he is staying with them and always wanting to be over there he probably on that too. I said at this point he is about as close to rock bottom as you can get and tell you how he is sick when he has no money and things. I said because he needs it and can’t get it.

She just sat there looking. She said something about my house. I said that was going to be my next thing, I said at this point he is so mad at me and blames so much of this on me and he is so bad off right now I wouldn’t put it past him to come to my house and do something. He knows I am working both job, I bought the cars, that I pay everything on my own and that I have a little bit of money most the time. Not a lot but some. I haven’t had lately but he don’t know that. He always thought I had more than I did anyway he make comments about what I had and things before. She said he knows where you hide your money in your truck. I said I don’t have it anymore and can’t hide it there in my new one. I told her I said he better remember he is scared of me and that I will not play with him. I said I don’t care if he tries to come in my house or mess with my car, I will shoot him and ask questions later. I said just like anyone else I am not going to let him take my things or mess them up and I am not going to fight with him the state he is in and it came down to that.

She had told him like Monday that me and the kids were going to be moving in and he freaked out. What and she would have to go to court if she wanted rid of him and things. He wasn’t getting his things and he didn’t have to leave and if she touched his stuff he would have her put in jail. He has been threatening her with this for month or more now.

Yesterday after we left breakfast she was going to have her car looked at she called me after that. She said she told  him he had to get his stuff out that day and he told her not to touch it he didn’t have a ride and things. She told him she would send it with his friend or drop it to him. he went off about not touching his stuff and calling her. I said stop, stop answering his calls make him message you if he wants to talk to you about his stuff or anything like that. I said this way you can show he has moved and is talking about getting his stuff but refuses to. But it also shows that he moved because why would he need to get it or a ride to get it if he hadn’t. I said then pack it up load it up and take it to him or have his buddy take it to him.

She said he is going to call the police. I said but you have the text showing he has moved. I said and besides the point he is not going to call the police. Crackheads do not want to be in contact with the police for any reason. I said look this is what it has come down to, He knows he isn’t coming back there, I said as long as he can keep his stuff there and keep the phone you bought and paying for he has control. I said it don’t matter what kind of control he has as long as he has it. He can threaten you and scare  you don’t touch my stuff I will call the police, he can tell you he wants money or he is going to do this or that or comes home and shows his ass. I said if he don’t have stuff there he can’t come back there, if he don’t have stuff there he can’t threaten you not to mess with it, if he don’t have stuff he he isn’t keeping you from using the room, he can’t push you into giving him money. I said it is all him needing the control and the money. She said she had to figure out something and get him out even her daughter said he needed to leave and the kids being scared of him and things.

I also told her that she needed to do it right a way because right now he is at that apartment but that could fall through at anytime. The manager don’t know he is there. The girls moved out and just left him there he was staying the night with them or what. I said they can find out at anytime he is there and put him out. Then where is he going to go? Right back to her house and he can because his stuff is still there, and she hasn’t went to court. I said now he has no where to go but your house so he won’t even get mad and leave for the night or days. It will be even harder to get him out.

The police said if she could get his stuff out they would come make a report he moved and he wouldn’t be allowed to come back. I said hell pack his shit take it to him if he gets brave enough to call tell them you don’t know what he is talking about he came and got his stuff. It is your word against his and who knows if he did or not. I said I would just call them tell them he has left he has not been there for close to a month, that he is on all these drugs and how he has gotten nasty with her, how he hits things, screams yells calls her names and that she is scared of him. That he is threatening her to control her and get money out of her.

She called me yesterday when I was between jobs and told me she done it she got him out with a report made. She messaged him and told him they told her she could not only change her locks and set the alarm she could get rid of his stuff burn it if she wanted to. They told her to message him and tell him she had talk to them and they made a report and if he came there or tried to come in he would go to jail and she had the right to protect herself.

She told him he did not like it but did not say much about it. She took him his stuff and they talked some. He told her he didn’t know how she was able to get him out like that what did she say or do. She said I would rather not talk about it because I don’t want to fight I told them the truth and went on. He didn’t say anything. He hasn’t tried to call them to see if it was true or have her put in jail.

I told her he is done and moving on. You took his control away when you said that and dropped his stuff off. He knows now rather you really called or not you are done and not going to let him have the control and get over on you anymore. He knows it is useless to call the police because what all he was saying is not all true about having you arrested and that if he calls to much may come out about him.

I still worry he might try something at one of their house’s. Not so much worried about mine but like she said when we were talking he is close to you. He is about 2 minutes away driving. Like I told her I will not play with him and I will shoot him just like anyone else who may want to try something like that. But who knows if he gets desperate enough what he may do. He is about 5 minutes from work right now and has been going but that never last long.

We were having breakfast she was talking about when he hurt his arm and had to go to the er and they put him in the hospital for a few days or week. She said you should of seen them in there when he was in there. They treated him like a druggie. Was nasty to him and rude like he was just wanting pills or something. I said bff look because he is!!! I said they looked at him when he walked in they can see it they took his blood and seen everything he was on and taking. They knew he was not like he was. They knew it. Again she looked like oh my god she hadn’t thought of that. I said they are looking at you trying to figure out what your on or doing why your with him. She really did not know what to say then and looked mortified.

I think all we talked about and her already worried made her really see that yes this is bad and worse maybe than she even thought or realized. I am just glad she did it and got him out once and for all.

{August 27, 2018}   In Need of Advice

Little Bitty brought up her dad again the other day. I just don’t know what to tell her or do. I just let her talk and told her I did not find his number yet. I haven’t, I could message him but I don’t know. Not something I really want to message him.

I am torn between contacting him or not. I have so many mixed feelings over it all. I want nothing more than for them to have some kind of relationship. I feel the sooner it forms if it is going to the better. But then I worry if he comes to see her how things will end up. Because I don’t want him to bring his gf if they are still together. I don’t want him taking her around his mom and her boyfriend. I don’t want to fight over it. I fight enough as it is when it comes to dealing with things. I don’t want this to be one too.

Like I told my friend, if he came here to see here great I have no problem with it. I have no problem with him taking her on his own out if he wanted to and she wanted to go. Because when it comes down to it he is a good dad and she would be safe with him and I do not think he try to pull anything. If it was just him. But if he came with her or decided to go see his mom why he was here I do not trust them even with him there. They are not people I want her around.

If he does want to have anything to do with her is he going to stick around or is it just going to be in and out and worse on her than not finding him? If he wants nothing to do with her how do I handle that and tell her? How am I going to feel and react to talking to him and having him in our lives in whatever form that maybe? And seeing him if it comes to that? How am I going to react if he gets nasty and don’t want anything to do with her? Way to much to consider all the way around. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t really had anyone to talk to and bounce things off of or get any advice from. Everyone to busy with their own crap or just say don’t do it tell her you can’t find him right now. I can I don’t want to lie to her. Then she finds out later I could of all along. That would not be good.

I think I am going to ask Sleeping Beauty if we can get together and talk. Tell him I just need advice. We always talk about the kids and things going on he thinks of things i don’t or points things out. Gives good advice.

{May 13, 2015}   Divorce Me Please

The last few weeks have been less than pleasant to say the lest with father of the year. We have gotten into it over the kids and him not paying more times than I can count. The other day we got into it over money again. I had this thing with the school I needed to pay, gas to work over the weekend, and any minute my phone will go off until whenever I get the money to pay it.

He is telling me he don’t have any, he has bills blah blah cry me a river his sad story.

I just kept telling him I have things that I need to pay as well. I have school I’m trying to get into and this job I am trying to do. That we don’t live for free or get by for free until he decides he has it to pay or he wants to pay it.

He had the nerve to pop off with well if I do give you money it is for the kids not whatever you want to spend it on or stuff that you need or for yourself.

I was so pissed, I told him that I had money for the things I needed or wanted for myself. But that since he decided to not give me anything to help with the kids I had spent all mine on bills, rent, food, gas to go to doctors and appointments, clothing and things they needed for camp. There for no I may not need money for bills for them right now but that I had already paid them and now needed my money I used to pay what he should have been back to now cover the things I was trying to cover. He then proceeded to tell me no that wasn’t how it worked and went on and on. How when we went to court the judge would tell me it wasn’t to pay for my phone, gas or things for school.

He keeps saying we don’t even have an amount that he is supposed to give me and that he wants split custody.

I told him right now we don’t have split custody he gets them whenever he feels like it and don’t when he don’t. That right now we have when it is convenient for him visitation that’s about it. That I have the papers here to fill out that says what we each should be covering and it will tell him how much he needs to pay a month. That his check wasn’t as much as it should be or he had a short week or whatever was not an excuse. I told him he needs to budge his money like everyone else. Say ok I got extra this week I have x bills to pay and support to pay so let me put this much up because next week may be short. Like this week he bounced his checking account so he had a bunch of fees. Then where he hit the pole at work they took out $200 on top of the $100 they been taking out. So all together they got $300 off the top. Then the fees he had almost no check. Well guess what that is not my fault. I did not go to work and have accidents that I have to pay for. I didn’t screw my checking account up and have to pay fees either. If I did my kids still have to have to have lights water food and a roof over their heads. But he don’t see it that way. To him it is just oh well I don’t have it they will get by she will figure it out. If or when I have it if i feel like giving her some then I will.

Then he informed me that he wasn’t going to come over and go over this paper work and fill it out. That if I wanted the divorce then I needed to do it and to file contested because he is going to fight it. He is going to fight the support he is going to fight the custody. That I just want his money to spend on myself not take care of the kids.

I told him it was pretty pathetic that he won’t just come sit down and fill out the papers and come to a agreement together without fighting. All because he was trying to force someone to stay married to him. I blows my mind that instead of moving on you want to make someone else life miserable. I told him there was no hope what so ever of us ever getting back together. That I wouldn’t get back with him for any reason at all.

He said oh he still had hope and all this. Then he said something I couldn’t understand, about looking for a man or running around with other men. Then he said you have a real man right here if you open your eyes and treat him right. I was like what he wouldn’t say the first part over just went on and on about having a real man.

I said no that’s the problem a real man is the farthest thing from what I got when I got with you. I don’t know what I was thinking. I said I give you that you put on a pretty good show. You just couldn’t keep it up for very long. I should have waited a little longer before I married you. That pissed him off even more than he already was.

He started telling me what a whore I am and slut. I’m nothing but a nasty bitch and smelly cunt or something like that. He just went into a rage. All at work I should add.) Sleeping with other people why we were together and he don’t know if I was ever really faithful to him. He don’t know how he ever trusted me. I’m the lowest of the low and just jump in bed with this one and that one at the drop of a hat. He started yelling about how I was with my friend a while back he wasn’t stupid. How he has a girlfriend and kids at home and she thinks he was at work and he was over here.

First off let me just say I have only ever been with THREE people ever. I don’t care who knows it, I have nothing to hide. Two the other night he is talking about is the night not long before my dad passed a way. I wasn’t doing good and I had some drinks. The night I wrote about having A Good Friend. Yes he has a girlfriend and two kids with her and he has one with a ex. Yes he was at work and came over at work. She didn’t think he was at work she knows what time they close and what time it was. I am sure he told her where he was at or she would have been calling looking for him. I know her. If she thought anything was up she would have been on the phone. She knows me and she knows what was going on at the time. I am sure she would want someone to do the same for her or him if it needed to be done. He is like my brother we grew up together since we were like 7. I am not interested in him like that at all. Besides how much could I really do with my head hung in the toilet really. But because we were sitting on the couch together and I laid my head on his shoulder and he gave me a hug. We are screwing. Besides that we were on the couch in the living room and my oldest son was wide a wake. But this is the shit he come up with in his head.

Just like about a week before he said all this it was I just want to divorce him because I want to take the kids and run off to South Carolina so I can be with my friend J’s son. I have no clue where he got that one from. Her son is like 23. 11 year younger than me. I met him once about two years ago when me and J first started to really talk and hang out. Both her sons came down and she had a cook out. Me and my dad went and hung out for a little bit. My little bitty was barely 2 months old. Then I talk to him once after that when I was talking about moving up that way. I was asking him what different areas were like and how the bills where there. I was told electric is high. To be honest I don’t even know what one of her sons I was even talking to. It could have been the one who is single or it could have been the one that is married and has kids. I didn’t ask. Never crossed my mine too because that wasn’t what I was trying to find out. I just wanted to know what the areas there were like. Besides married not married kids no kids none of it matters because they are kids. I’m not interested.

I said you know you say your a real man but I don’t know any real man that would stand up and say these kinds of things to his wife. And I sure don’t know one that would stand there and scream them at her over the phone in front of everyone at work. I said no your not a real man because I real man wouldn’t talk about his wife or girlfriend like that or say that kind of stuff to her and he sure wouldn’t do it in front of a bunch of people. And a real man would take care of his kids and give the support for his kids regardless of where or how he thought the money was being spent because he would want to do his part to make sure his kids were taken care of and had what they needed. If he really thought the money wasn’t being spent right and that the kids weren’t being taken care of or have what they needed, he wouldn’t sit back and let them do without or be neglected. He would have them every chance he could and be there to get them when he was supposed to be not call up last minute and say he wasn’t coming and he would be going to court to find out what was going on with the money and make sure his kids where being taken care of. If they weren’t he would be doing everything in his power to get them. So if you think the things you are doing is what a real man dose then you better find someone else to look at for an example of what a real man is. I said just because it makes you feel like a real man to stand up and spew all these lies in front of everyone because you think oh your going to show them and you are going to put me in my place or whatever your wrong. I said it just makes you look like the ass that you are.

I said so I’m a whore, a cunt a nasty bitch I treat you so bad and just want your money to spend on myself, then why are you so hell bent on not divorcing me? Why do you want to stay married to someone who is so horrible and who dose such things? Why would you fight the divorce? Anyone else would be down there filing their-self and wanting rid of someone who treated them so bad. But not you. You say this is how I am and how I do and then turn around and say I’m not giving you a divorce. I will fight you, I don’t want it, I still have hope we will get back together I always will, I love you blah blah blah. You feel this is how I am and what is going on then just give me the divorce and let me go be the nasty whore you feel I am and move on with your life.

No I’m not dong that I don’t want it if you want it your going to have to file it and you may as well file it contested because I am going to fight it. I can do what I want I don’t want to make no agreement with you and do the papers and get the divorce over.

I said well then how’s all that make you look when you say all this stuff about me then refuse to divorce me? I said people are looking at you thinking one of two things. 1. If she is all this that you say and don’t take care of the kids why would you not divorce her? Your stupid or 2. Wow what kind of person is he to stand here and say all this, he must be making it up or a lot of it up or why else would he stay with her. Right? That’s the things I think when I hear someone talking about someone they are with or want to be with and they are saying stuff about them that isn’t right or good. About that time he started playing the I’m two I’m going to hang up on you and then ignore your calls and text game.

I guess he didn’t like it because I didn’t bother to call him back or text him. I went on about my day. He called me he hung up on me.I said what I had to say, he knew it was truth what else could he say. Then later that night when he was off work he remembered who I was again. He started calling and sending me text just trying to get me to talk to him. I answer give the phone to the kids. They get done hand it back I hung it up. He text ask about the kids I just answer short simple ignore anything else that didn’t have to do with the kids. This way he  can’t say later I wouldn’t let him know this or that about the kids or I wouldn’t answer and let him talk to the kids or what.

Then he text what’s wrong with you why won’t you talk to me. I text him back told him I was and he hung up on me that he didn’t care to hear what I had to say then after I listen to all he had to say, that I didn’t have anything to say to him. He called kept trying to get me to talk I just said I got to go I have stuff to do. He started texting me same old how he still had hope and blah blah. I said well hold on to that hope and hold your breath let me know how it works for you ignored him after that we haven’t talked much since.

I was talking to the therapist today told her what he was saying about wanting joint custody and things. She laughed. She said how is he going to handle that? He can’t take care of them. Even she knows he can’t do it. She knows when he wasn’t working and I was and going to school that that I still took care of everything. She was there she seen and we talked. She also knows all the stuff my son has told her and how he is when I’m not around. How it gets worse when things are like this and we aren’t together.

She said the same thing I did, I need to get a lawyer and whatever he is leagly obligated to take care of let them make him do it. Since he has drug it out this long and fighting it and making it have to be filed contested. She even said he has kept me from being able to work he is keeping me from having money by not paying his part still keeping me from being able to apply for jobs and school by not picking them up when he is supposed too. I can’t tell someone ok you sit here and don’t plan anything for the day because he might not show up and if he don’t I need a sitter. I can’t call someone last minute and say ok he didn’t show up I need you to come right over so I can go to work or school whatever it may be. She knows she has been around long enough that it is just me and my kids. I really don’t have friends I can call on to do that kind of thing. That even if you have sitter they know they have x days off they make plans like any other normal person or even if they don’t they wan their days off to relax like everyone else. Not to be called in last minute. Once in a while thing is one thing but all the time is another.

It just makes me so mad he plays these games. I’m going to show you and I have this control and there is nothing you can do about it. I’m going to keep you right where I want you and your going to do just what I say. If not I’m going to make whatever you do as hard as I can because I’m not going to do my part or the things a father should. Everyone knows it has nothing to do with the kids. It is all to do with number one he wants me back and number two he don’t budget his money so he never has any. He thinks it’s ok to just put his kids on the back burner until he decides he has it or wants to give it. Like he has said so many times before how will I pay you and live too? The money he makes he should be able to pay for his kids and his bills and still have a little left in his pocket at the end of the day. It just if i don’t give you money you have to come ask or beg me. I’m about to show him how wrong he is over all this. I just might get enough on my long to not only pay the rent but also a lawyer. I will never understand why anyone wants to be with someone who don’t want them.

Father of the year has been so over bearing the last few weeks I don’t know what his problem is. It started a month or so ago when the kid from a few house down came over. He isn’t a kid he is 28 I think. But me and father of the year have known him since he was about 9 him maybe even longer. He still seems odd when I see him now he is “grown up”. I forget what it was he needed or wanted but he stopped by and father of the year wasn’t here. We talked and I got whatever it was he wanted or answered his question. The kids like to hang out and talk to him. He comes over and we rent him movies and things. If we need help moving something he will come over help him move it. He borrows the lawn mower and things. Just whatever if he needs something we can help we do if we need something he can help he dose. But father of the year don’t like it if he stops by and he isn’t here. I haven’t said anything but I can tell he gets in a mood. He thinks if I talk to a guy I want them or want to get together. I don’t know why I have never been that way and am really picky about who I date and things. Anyone that knows me will tell you before I was married I was single way more than in a relationship and I wasn’t out bed hopping and hooking up with just anyone. But that is how he acts. I don’t know why he thinks he even has room to get mad if I talk to or date anyone we aren’t together and haven’t been for years. But he dose.

I have not been out of the house without the kids in months. The other night when I went out with my friend J for a couple hours and then he text and text wanting to know when I was coming home. I was clothes shopping. Not like we went out to the bar or club. Saturday I got up and left about 9 before anyone got up. He woke up why I was sitting on the couch getting ready to leave. He wanted to know where I was going. I told him to pick up J and find something to do. We had plans Friday but she got really sick. I also picked a friend up and took him to work but I didn’t tell him that I was doing that. I could have it is no big deal his old lady knew I was taking him and everything. But he already makes comments about him and me because we talk. He is the one I have known forever I wrote about before. I didn’t feel like hearing him start about it and bitching. Because he again has no say in who I talk to or what I do. I don’t not tell him because I don’t want him to know or because I am sneaking around. I don’t tell him because he can’t be an adult and say oh ok and go on. He start being really rude and nasty and wants to argue and fight about it.

He keeps asking me who I’m seeing and what’s his name and why don’t I just tell him the truth and stop lieing he isn’t stupid and all this. I am not seeing or talking to anyone at all. I have not been any where to meet anyone I never have more than 5 minutes a way that I don’t have the kids with me. I won’t take my kids around someone I just met. I don’t know when he thinks I have time to meet or talk to someone. He keeps making nasty comments and things. I have bought a few dresses the last couple weeks. I hardly ever wear dresses never really have wore them. But I have one longer one I got when I was pregnant and I were it sometimes and I found a nice one at when I was out shopping with J the other day at the thrift store. It isn’t nothing great it is just a simple white coten longer dress. I like the maxie dresses Iguess they call them. They come down to your feet or about. I don’t like my legs is why I wear pants most the time. I use to have a bunch of long dresses and skirts I would wear. But they wore our or got to small. I have a hard time finding them now that fit right that I like so I don’t buy them. since I have gotten bigger I feel like they just don’t look good. J had been trying to get me to dress sexier and nicer. I really wear nothing but jeans and whatever t shirt I grab and my fli flops all the time. Year round. I use to dress better before I gained so much. When you are depressed you really don’t care what you look like. I  needed new clothes bad I still have a lot I want to lose. I figured if I found a few dresses that looked good I could wear them for a while even after I started losing. Plus it has been really hot and pants are just to hot but I don’t like the way I look in shorts so dresses are better. But he has been in a piss mood and wanting to rub and touch on me. When I push him a way or move it just makes it worse.

I would love to have a relationship like I said in my other post. Not because of sex and things. But as bad as I would like to have one I don’t want one right now. Who is going to want to talk to and be with someone in the situation I am in? If they do they aren’t going to be someone who really cares and wants to stick around or in for anything more than some temporary whatever. If they really were interested in something long term it isn’t fair to them to be in the middle of this all and things the way they are. If they didn’t mind it is wearing and it is only a matter of time before they are gone to. Not that I want to stay in this situation I am working on getting out of it. But until then. I am not looking to get with anyone and moving in with them either. I right now just want to be alone until I am out on my own at least. I really don’t want to live with anyone again maybe ever. If I am in a relationship it would be a really long time before I would consider living together. I like having my space and I need to just have my own place for me and the kids for a while after all that we have been through with living with people moving and everything else the last few years. I need to feel in control for a change not like everything is just up side down and in the air. I need to make my own decisions about things with out having to ask or worry about what someone else is going to say or do. If someone can’t understand that and be ok with it and trust me then I guess they will have to find someone else other than me. Because I have been through to much to make the same mistakes again.

et cetera
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