Why Bother?

I am slipping into that why bother mood where I just don’t want to do anything. This is different than where I was a few months ago, a few months ago I couldn’t function even though I wanted to and tried. All I could do was sleep no matter how much I had already slept and if I tried to get up and do something I felt like I was about to pass out.

Right now I am at the point that I know all the shit that is happening is temporary and I have to just keep pushing through. But right now I am pissed off and don’t really want to. I feel like no matter how hard I fight to get ahead and ho w far ahead I get 20 more things are falling in on me and knocking me back down. I am in one of them spots where I feel like I am never going to get ahead, nothing is going to ever change and no matter how hard I try I am going to be sitting right here doing the same old shit just another day while life passes me by, like it has for the last 10 years. I feel like I am never going to be able to have things I want that I will always just be surviving day to day, week to week, year to year until one day I just don’t wake up. I feel like I can’t provide the most basic things we want, that we can’t have a nice house or ever be able to just fix the truck if it something happens. I am just so done with life right now it isn’t even funny.

I say a nice house I am not even really talking about the house it’s self. I am happy with the house we have, it could be more functional but it works for us and at a good price. I am talking more on the inside I want things to be nice. We have been here three years it needs painted, but I don’t have the money to do it, it could use some curtains, area rugs, maybe a few pictures for the walls. You know the things that make it a home. We have lived here three years and have a house not really a home. I bought two rugs last month one was marked down to $45 I didn’t feel so bad about spending that. The other I ended up spending $90 on. Now I feel I shouldn’t have done it. But they are for the living room so that the kids can sit on the floor and play or lay there and watch tv. They like to sit on the floor and do most the time but we have tile all through the house it is cold, hard and never seems clean. I got two so they would cover most the floor in the living room I figured it would cut down on mopping, gives them somewhere to sit and play and makes the living room look nice as well. Before that it was just the couch and tv nothing on the walls or the floor. It makes it a little nicer and inviting, it don’t echo and feel as cold.

The dinning room and kitchen is done pretty good because I already had a lot of stuff for them from where I had picked stuff up here and there that I liked for a while to put in there that I had not used. I would pick up little things at thrift stores and yard sales for a few dollars and had put it away. But the cabinets need painted they are just old and the paint is dirty and coming off. They painted the house with flat paint and it wipes off instead of what you are trying to wipe off. Little Bitty has drew on so many of the walls it isn’t even funny. I never had a kid like her who would find anything and everything and write on the walls with it. I think I have everything up she has nothing and turn around and she is at it again. I have cleaned what I an off but the paint comes off, I don’t know what looks worse the drawling on the wall or where the paint comes off. I want to get a can to just touch up those spots but then I don’t know how it will look. I could paint most this house in a weekend rolling it all out making it look nice if I had the money for the paint and he would take the kids like he is supposed to. I have done a lot of house painting over the years.

The kids bedrooms are pretty okay they have all their new furniture and have hung up the things like like and made them their own. The back room I am not sure what I want to do back there. It has all our books and things back there right now I have thought about moving stuff around to put their toys in the other half but I don’t know if there is really room to do that. I still have to get that bed and living room set out of there before I can do anything.

So no I am not saying I need a bigger, nicer house or anything like that I just want to be able to make the one I have a home without feeling guilty about it or being short money somewhere else because I did. Then with the truck needing more work than just putting the light and bumper on I don’t know what I am going to do with it. I have to fix it and keep driving it I don’t have money to get another one and now I can’t send it through auction because it has all these other problems that have popped up. It isn’t that it’s the truck it’s all normal wear and tear things you have to fix once you put so many miles on a car. I should have money to fix it but I don’t because of picking up the slack from the other two who are not doing their parts. The kids are asking to go places and want to do things and get out of the house and I do as well. I hate sitting in the house all the time and not doing nothing but daily stuff we have to do. But I don’t even have money to say hey lets go to the movies. The air show is this weekend they were watching the plans practice when we were at the doctors. I pulled it up to see what it would cost to maybe go the show. It would cost me $70 if they didn’t charge me adult price for my 11 year old who looks older and that isn’t a drink, something to eat or anything else. It would end up costing me $150 to $200 easy by the time we got a drink something to eat and things. They wanted to see what it would cost to see the blue man group. It was $210 for us to get it to that, then we have tolls and gas and again food and things. My oldest wants to go to a big weekend concert for her birthday it would be $400 for two tickets for three days. All of these are not bad deals at all really if you think about it and are things that would be fun to go to as a family or just a few of us, but I don’t have the money to do it and it pisses me off. Because I am doing what I need to do and what I have to do to take care of my family and to be able to do things for them but others do not care and are not doing their part then they do not get to do things they would like to do and we sit in the house all the time. Then I am mad at myself for not doing better the last 15 years or so when me and father of the year was together and when me and RC were together. But when me and father of the year were together we had a ruff patch but then we had things worked out and we were doing pretty good. I could have went to school then but I was happy doing what I was doing and taking care of my family. We were doing ok so I didn’t need to. When me and RC were together I was going to go to school but put it on hold for a little bit to get us settled and on a routine so that everything wouldn’t be so crazy trying to move and all that. Then when everything happen there I was just trying to survive and get me and the kids out of a really bad situation I wasn’t allowed to work or go to school or anything really.

Now I am where I can do what I need and want to do and all I can still do is survive and I am to the point I just want to say fuck it whats the point. I am trying to get ahead and I do just to get knocked back down and still not be able to take care of the things I need to take care of much less do anything with the kids or for myself that I want to do. We can’t even make our house feel like a home or fix our car so that we aren’t walking or having to check it and do stuff to it every time we stop. I think maybe I should just quit school and get a job but if I do I will be lucky to make $8.15 an hour and get 30 hours. I will have less than I do now. I have been looking for a part time job but can’t find anything because I have to say I can only work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 930 to 230. No one wants to hire someone that is so set on hours. I can work nights and have my friend sit with them but then that isn’t very good because I have to pick her up, drop her off, pay her and everything so then there goes a big chunk of my money and time to make even less in the end. I have thought about placing an add on line to run errand for people but now with my truck messing up I can’t do that until I get it straighten out. I am ordering a scale to start selling on Ebay but I know that is only going to bring in a little extra money a month not what I need. I need to make a grand a month to make up for what Father of the Year isn’t paying and the extra my bills have gone up.

Right now I just want to throw in the towel say fuck it, but at the same time I want to figure this out and make it work because I know I have to I am the only one that is going to do it, I am the only one going to take care of my kids. That if I don’t do it where are the kids going to be because we all know their dad can’t and won’t do it. Lately I have had the thought of just let the older three go live with their dad however that maybe or turn out and take the little one since she isn’t his and just go figure out what to do for me and her. It would be easier to take care of the two of us vs the 5 of us. The thought keeps coming up but then I’m like I can’t do that and how could I just toss the kids out there to go though that. But then I think but it would make Father of the Year get off his ass and see how it is and how things are and just maybe he would man up. But we all know that isn’t going to happen, the kids would just be misreable. I think if I just done it long enough to get me and Little Bitty out of here and set up somewhere else then come back and get the others. That way I have time to get set up and they won’t miss school or anything like that. I would love to and if he wasn’t staying where he is I would probably consider it even more than I am now but it hasn’t been 100% done away with either. I have thought about just telling him to come here and stay with the kids pay the bills and do what he has to do while I take my money and start over somewhere else.

I just feel like I need out of here away from here I feel stuck and held down here. I don’t know why I just do. I feel like I can’t do anything without everyone causing problems or saying something and being so negative over everything when I am doing the best I can on my own with no help from them. They all have something to say but none help in anyway even though they are family and I have helped them plenty. Then to have Father of the Year stand up and say shit when he does nothing. I hate feeling like I am under a microscope and having everything I do picked apart and never having anything good said about anything. Then I go back to the whats the fucking point if it is never good enough for anyone. I am not looking for anyone to pat me on the back and tell me how great of a job I am doing or anything like that. But I also do not need everyone sitting around pointing out all that I am doing wrong or they feel I am doing wrong because it isn’t what they would do or how they want you to do it. I just want to be left alone to live my life and take care of my kids. I do not need a pat on the back I do not need a gold start or anything but I do not need the negative shit from everyone. Because no matter how much you know you are doing a fine job and it is them with the problem because you are not living your life to their specs it gets to you after a while and when everything starts hitting the fan and your having a ruff time it really gets to you. All of it together makes it very hard to do or want to do even the simplest of things. I should be working on my school stuff and going through this house and cleaning it out but I do not feel like it. I just want to lay here play on line take a nap and forget everything until it is time to feed the kids and get them ready for bed. I really don’t want to do that but if I don’t who will, so I get up and do it. The kids are building a cabin out of craft sticks, playing air hockey and watching tv. They are happy and entertained for a few minutes at least.

You know it’s odd I don’t even really feel depressed or hopeless just more of a why bother who cares just let it all be and work it’s self out I am done trying. I don’t feel down like a I do a lot of times. Just oh well who cares, if it gets done it gets done if it don’t it just don’t who cares.

She Liked It

I was logging off to go to bed and thought of something I was going to post about earlier and didn’t. I had not told my family or anyone but a few friends that I cut my hair all off. Father of the year came over the other night to drop off money and seen it. That was it, I hadn’t heard from anyone else I don’t know if he said anything to anyone else or not. I figured if he did I would have heard something from my mom or my sister.

Today I got a phone call it was him wanting me to come outside for a minute. I went to see what he wanted and why he was here. It was him and my mom she brought $20 over and gave me. I don’t know why I told her I had all that I needed here and that I had a little bit of money left. I don’t want to borrow anymore from anyone unless I have to for something. But she did, I figured oh well that is fine but come Friday she can look at him for it back because I don’t have it to give her back and I am not taking it out of whatever he decides to give me. I have a water bill this week that has to be paid, rent that will be due soon and gas to buy.

When I walked out and over to the truck the first thing my mom said was turn around let her see my hair. So I turned around and showed her the side and back of it. She said oh I like it, it looks really good. I was shocked because she never has anything good to say about anything. She always finds something negative to say about everything or why she wouldn’t have done this or that. When I have talked about cutting it short in the past she always says it is going to make you look fatter. It will make your face look fatter. I could tell by the way she said turn around and let her see the back Father of the Year must have told her that I cut it all off. I can only imagine that conversation. I was surprised he said he liked it when he was here but that was all he said and ask when I did it or something. I just said Tuesday I was bored and wanted something different. He said oh.

I still think that him or my sister has said something to her about what I said Christmas about not putting up with no crap and telling her like it is or leaving or they have said something to her about me saying all she ever has to say is something negative about everything. Because she has been to nice lately or just not saying anything at all. Seems very odd to me and I know it isn’t going to last. I just find it interesting.

Oh and I know it isn’t going to last and she is trying because the other day, she said she lost her school ID. I told her to go get a new one so she could use her book voucher and get in to take her test. She said something about the cost and not having it because it and her bankcard and some others are missing. I said it didn’t cost anything and that if it did they would put it on her account and take it out of her aid money she is getting. She said no they wouldn’t or something like that and how much it was. I said well when I changed my name and got a new one they never asked for any money or even said it would go on my account. They just gave me a new one.

She started yeah I don’t know why you did that anyway that was stupid and thats not my kids last names and something else she started to say. I said yes it’s Little Bitty’s last name. She started about that I just shut it down and got off the phone. It don’t last long and it kills her when she is being nice I know and you can just tell by the way she says things and acts.

It’s No Secret

Everyone knows I’m on a very fixed income with 4 kids and going to school. I am having to use student loans to help get us by until I finish school. Not the best situation but it is what it is. I can finish quicker and hopfully get a better job than I can now when I am done. If I work now I would have to cut my classes to two a term so I can work and take care of the kids too and still have to take out loans. Doing it that way it would take me more than two years to finish a two year degree and I would be racking up all those loans. Where if I just go to school and take 4 or 5 classes at a time and use loans i can be done in a year to year and a half. Probably end up with less in loans to pay back probably not anymore.

Knowing that this is how things are and the amounts of money I have coming in and the fact that some of it comes in large sums months apart I have to plan accordingly. This makes sure that everything gets paid, it may not all get paid and it may not be on time but it makes sure that it don’t go off or we don’t get thrown out of our house. Then when I get my big sums I pay everything down to a $0 balance and keep them paid on time until money gets tight that two or three months where I am not getting as much.

My friend keeps saying she don’t know how I do it and how I have 4 kids and I keep everything going, it’s just her and her husband and they are behind on everything. I know he didn’t have a job for a little bit but she had one that paid little and he refused to check on some he could have gotten and been working. He got some unemployment and I know family helped them. He is working now and trying to get caught up and seem to just keep going in a cirlce and not getting anything caught up or paid off.

He took a job almost an hour from home so he has the expense of the extra gas and tolls. Then this job they only work a week on and a week off. Sure you are making $24 an hour but then divide that by two weeks because you are off a week and not making money so that money is for two weeks really not one. Your not really making anymore than if you worked every week over here at a little less and din’t pay all the extras. Then their car died beyond fixing died. They have two other cars but they are not here because even when he was working before they didn’t pay the money to get the one that was given to them here from out of state and then the other they bought from family and are letting them drive it still for a little bit before they get it. Once family goes home they will get the car. Instead of sucking it up and having the other car shipped they went out and rented a car for over a months that put them that much farther behind. They sent as much or more than what it would have cost them to get the car here. They had borrowed a van that they could have used until it got here if they would have just shipped it. I even told them look find a $300 to $500 beater buy it put your tag on it they be out $600 or less. I found some for under $500 that would have worked. When they were done with it they could have turned around and sold it for what they paid and got that money back. But because he didn’t come up with the idea and didn’t find the cars it was a bad idea.

They are months behind in rent I can’t believe they haven’t gotten thrown out yet but they have been there for about 10 years so the lady is working with them. But they keep getting farther behind not catching up. Then she tells me today that they owe half his check or more to the bank because they over drew it trying to pay rent, bills and put gas in the car.

She said they were trying so hard to get ahead and it was going to be tight for a while until they do and she don’t want to take the over draft off the account because what if something happens they need money.

I told her she isn’t getting ahead, she isn’t getting close to even thinking about being ahead, all she is doing is digging her hole bigger and bigger and she is pretty soon not going to be able to get out of it. She didn’t understand why I said that. I said because your costing yourself more money every month in over draft fee’s and that is money you could use to pay on of your bills your behind. She said we are maintaining. I said no because you don’t have the money to maintain or you wouldn’t be over drafting. All she is doing in going more in debt every month and soon she is going to be homeless and have to start from the ground up if she don’t get on a budget and work it out.

She said again I don’t know how you do it and how you don’t stress about it all the time. You never seem to stress about money and you probably live on less than anyone I know. She said something about budget and not having money to do anything or go anywhere. I said that’s part of being an adult and making sure stuff gets done.

Like I told her I know that my rent is $X a month, I know that I have $100 less than that a month coming in, so I know when I get money I have to figure out the next time I will get a lump sum of money again and make sure I put $100 for each month up and not touch it so that rent gets paid every month. Then I pay all my bills down to $0 and I pay them off as soon as I get them as many months as I can. Once money starts to get tight the last month or so before I get money again I pay on the one that is due soonest and pay only what I have to. Then I do the same with the next and on down the line and just rota them like that until I get my lump sum again and then I pay them all down to $0 but for the most part they are paid on time and in full but a month or two here and there.

When I am dividing money up Rent comes off to the top because most people are not like them and can get months behind and not get thrown out. Two rent is the biggest bills in most houses, if it gets behind and all you are able to do is maintain and keep things going it becomes in possible to catch up and if other stuff is behind you can just about forget catching it up. Where if the others get behind there is most times a set amount you can pay and keep it on or make payment arrangements to pay it. As far as going out or doing anything if I do not have it then we don’t go simple as that. Does it suck living on a tight budget of course but does it keep a ruff over our heads, lights, water and rent paid so we aren’t homeless yes. I will take having bills paid over being homeless any day. You can always find little ways here and there to fit small things a dinner out or something like that once in a while.

She called me later and said she talked to her husband and he is talking to the bank about making payment arrangements with them and paying a months rent out of this check and on some bills. I hope they stick to it because they should be able to get it paid off pretty quick if they do. But if they don’t then they are going to end up homeless and have a hard time finding a place, once they do they aren’t going to be able to get water and things because they will have big bills with the companies. He makes ok money but not great money like they want everyone to think and there is only two of them so I don’t know what they can’t get on a budget and stick to it. They pretty much just have daily/monthly cost that is it if they don’t spend on a ton of extras. I know with 5 of us I could live on what he is bringing in and keep my bills paid and probably have money left at the end of the month. I told her bring me her bills and things and I could help her set up a budget and help her start getting things paid down. I don’t know what they are going to do.

No Respect

I’m beyond hurt and angry right now. I am going to post this all just as I write it to someone else earlier. I still feel upset hurt and in disbelief. But I really guess I shouldn’t considering the past. I guess it makes it harder that she is really all I have left since my dad past a way. I feel as if I really don’t have any family any more. I thought she had changed some and things would be different this time but I guess not. When she was told no and she couldn’t do what she wanted or as she please with my kids and take over it was to much for her. I really do just wish I had the money to pack up leave and not look back because I wouldn’t not one bit. I feel as if it is jut me and my kids that’s it. Father of the years side of the family has nothing to do with them, they see them maybe twice a year they do for one and not the rest. My mom this is the kind of shit she dose. I think tonight is the worse she has been or said at one time to me. I don’t know if things can ever be the same or even on speaking seeing terms for holidays or anything. I really don’t know what I am supposed to say to something like that. There really isn’t nothing you can because nothing is going to make someone like that think any different or see things any different. It’s all about them.

Feeling so upset hurt. I got in a huge fight with my mom a little bit ago. She said I can’t home school my kids I don’t have the education I need to do it. How I can’t spell and all kinds of really hurtful things. I graduated high school, have been a licensed massaged therapist passed the class with an A or B over all. I have taken a class to do income tax for the big tax company here and passed it with a A over all. I have taken classes to be a bail bondsman and had my license and to be a duola. I just started this summer with two classes at our local collage to get my AA so that I can go on to get my masters. I am taking Comp 1 all writing and personal finance. I am 4 points from an A in my comp class, only reason I don’t have an A is because I didn’t do one reply on a board. I didn’t pass the college placement for math but did for the writing. But I haven’t been in “school” in 15 years and didn’t do a lot of the algebra and things back then. I did struggle with spelling for a long time but have really worked on it and I may not be 100% spot on with every word out there but for the most part I do fine. If I didn’t I couldn’t be getting an A in my comp class. It’s all writing and they take off for spelling and everything. All I get told on my work is great job. I am single mom trying to go back to work and then she is telling me well your not going to have time to do it around work your own schooling, keeping up the house and things. I told her I could do it on my days off and in the evening. They are 9 and 11 they could do what they can on their own and I could work with them on days off after work before work with things they don’t understand and to make sure they are doing it and things. She tells me if I can give it to them and they can work with it on their own then they aren’t learning anything and they already know it. That they aren’t going to get an education and no college is going to take them that they are never going to pass the test to get in. How they have no friends and don’t go anywhere. They didn’t have friends in school they were always upset with being bullied my dd to the point of not eating hiding food and losing weight over it at one time. With my ex moving out money has been tight lately and we haven’t done a lot of filed trips or outings. We do have a home school group that we are a part of and try to do things with when I can and they have a park day that we go to when they want to go. She say’s they tell her they want to go back to school and they are just afraid to tell me. We talk about it all the time and they don’t want to go back. They just go along with her when they are there and she is saying this that and the other and I am not around because that’s just how she is if you don’t agree then its’ why your wrong and all this. My dd begged to go to camp for months then few days before time to go she is with my mom and on the phone telling me she don’t want to go and all upset. My mom says because she seen all these kids and people who drawn because they didn’t know how to swim and she can’t swim and they are going in paddle boats with life jackets and swimming in the pool so she probably will drawn too. They have to take a swim test before they can go in the pool and it is on her paperwork that she can’t swim. I was horrible for sending them to camp at all to start with because they wouldn’t be at home where I knew what was going on every minute and someone could do something to them if they didn’t drawn. She would never send her kids off like that or never let them do that. She wouldn’t we were not allowed to do girl scouts, camp with church sleep overs play dates nothing. We were either with her or my grandma at all times or my dad 24/7 if we were not at school. So since I don’t do things the way she says then its all wrong. I am just so frustrated we got in huge argument over the phone she called me to finish telling me all this stuff at after saying most of it to me at her house in front of my kids. talking about how I am going to go to jail if I don’t keep every paper they ever do and if they don’t do every lesson in every chapter then yeah my kids probably do want to go back to school if they are afraid I’m going to go to jail. Who wouldn’t to keep their mom out of trouble. I just feel so bad and so angry I’ve just sat and cried that is my mom of all people.

I just feel like I have done all this with no help or support from her and then she sits and basically calls me stupid when she has no clue. Then wonders why my brother has nothing to do with her and me and my sister have very little to do with her. She been better lately and I thought she was starting to realise but I guess it was all just because she needed help and because she thought she was going to dictate how things were going to be and she could take over and do it all, since I am so stupid in her opinion. If it was anyone else I would have nothing to do with them and cut them off a long time ago. I had been having very little to do with her for a while talk here and there on the phone stop in once in a while. Then with my dad passing so unexpected and things and all the should of wish I’s I and we had a really close relationship I felt I should try again to be closer and to at least try and talk to her go see her more or what. But then this. I don’t understand how any one can treat someone like she treats people and see nothing wrong with it or as it is them who is wrong or has a problem. My dad may not agreed with some of the things I did but he never talk to me that way or treated me that way or make me feel bad. If it came up he say well just be careful or make sure your doing what you need to or I don’t know if I would do that but it sounds like you have thought about it planed it out and know what your getting into if you can handle it. not blow up and freak out because you didn’t do it just how he thought you should and because you thought different than him. If it worked great if not then ok you tried now figure out what to do. He was that way about everything and would help any way he could even if it wasn’t something he would do or how he would do it.

My oldest was home with us for a few days after the camp thing and did end up going to camp. I didn’t make her I told her if she really didn’t want to go then not to go but not to let all that grandma was saying scare her, that just because grandma wouldn’t xy and z didn’t mean that it was wrong to do. I told her even if she didn’t want to go to pack her stuff and bring it because camp was two hours away from home. That way if she got there and decided at last minute she did want to go she would have her stuff. She said no she wanted to go she wanted to try it at least once. She went wrote me a letter and said she was glad she listen to me and went because she was having fun. even with a minor issue she still wants to go back next year. she came home started telling grandma about zip lining and going up the pole and walking across the rope she told her she shouldn’t have done that and about some guy died a few months back doing something like that. I said yeah and some people get in a car accident and die going up the road to the store or see grandma. And there are way more car accidents than ropes course accidents or zip line accents. Things happen if your doing everything to be safe not doing something foolish or that you are not supposed to be you should be fine. But accidents happen we can’t live in fear of what if and never do anything. You just have to know that you are right with god and know that if something was to happen where you are going. I am a true believer that if it is your time to go you are going to go no matter where you are or what you are doing and if it isn’t your time your not going to. People of lived through some amazing things. Some have died doing some really simple ones you would never thin they would die doing. Its life I don’t want to see anything happen to my kids but I am not going to keep them in a bubble or teach them to live in fear and never try new things because of the what if’s. I lived my life that way growing up because even if I wanted to do something I was never allowed because of what if. I never force my kids to try something but I don’t stop them I tell them the good, bad worst case or whatever and the odds of that happening or what. They decide for their self.

Nothing Good To Say

As you all know I got the tattoo I wanted in memory of my dad in March, you can see it here My New Tattoo. I hadn’t shown it to my mom but I hadn’t hidden it from her either. It’s on the top of my foot and I wear sandals of some kind all the time. I been over there I figured she seen it.

Well Memorial day weekend we went over to my sisters for her little boy’s first birthday. The kids were all playing in the little pool she had. I brought my little one in and sat down on the floor with her to change her clothes and things. I had taken my shoes off because they were wet. I stretched my leg out in front of me and my sister looked over and said what’s that when did you get it? She hadn’t seen it but I hadn’t really been around her. I showed her and everything. My mom was sitting there and she not even got close enough to see it really she is sitting on the other end of the couch behind where I am sitting. She starts it looks like a green blob or smeared mess all ran together. Why would you get that? Why on the top of your foot? It’s something else I don’t even know what she said at that point because I am trying to not say anything and start at the babies birthday party. She said something else i said you haven’t even looked at it you can’t see as it is then you sit across the room and try to see what it is or what it looks like. In a little bit she got up to do something and came over there and looked at it she started about how big it was and on my foot and all this again. I said it had to be bigger to make the letters and numbers readable and that I needed to go back and have it touched up because they needed to be a little darker but that when they do it they can only do so much at one time and working with something so tiny you can only do so much work on it.

She started about how it was on my foot and when you get a tattoo to remember someone you don’t put it on your foot blah blah. I said I had wanted it on the inside of my arm but that it had to be bigger than I had planed so I decided on my foot. She just kept on about how it shouldn’t be on my foot and why would you want a tattoo on your foot. I said just because that is where I wanted it and that i seen nothing wrong with it on my foot.

She says how she likes something simple like mom on the arm. I said yeah that is nice but I didn’t really like that for myself I felt what she was talking about would be something you see more on a guy. Then she starts if you ever get one for me or feel like getting one for me don’t put it on your foot. I don’t want to be in your smelly shoe. By this point I had enough and said oh don’t worry I won’t. I’m going to put your picture on my left ass cheek. She just laughed and everyone just laughed like I was joking. But I really wasn’t I was mad.

I don’t know maybe I was wrong for letting it get to me but it did. It hasn’t been that long since my dad passed and it is really none of her business what I get or do, but she always has to say something about anything I do and she never has anything nice to say at all. She always so negative or has 20 reasons why you should do something else and not what you did or are doing. Just like when I told her I was going back to school, she said well if that is what you really want to go for like it was the end of the world then on and on about why I need to go for this or that or something else. Then almost every time i talk to her she ask if I have decided what I am going to go for. I tell her yeah I did I told her to start with she knows I did. She says I just think you are making a mistake and I would never do that you have this responsibility and people do this or that and there is this risk. No matter what job you have you have some kind of responsibility and people are going to do things and there is some kind of risk. I don’t care if you work in a office, store or a flower shop or portrait studio. I have done it and you have people who are going to be rude and nasty, you risk getting robbed, and a ton of other things. Maybe not all the same risk as other jobs but they all have some kind.

She hasn’t said anything else about my tattoo but I am sure the next time she thinks of it or I’m there and she see’s it she will again. I am surprised she didn’t start about how much it cost and that I shouldn’t have spent the money on it that I should have spent it on something else.

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