{February 10, 2020}   Finally Another Beach Night

Saturday Bff called and said she was going out so I went with her. We picked up JW and went to a pool hall over on the Island. We got there it was packed and none of us really wanted to stay. We left and was going to go to Apple bee’s or this other little place I go sometimes. I wasn’t really in the mood to be out around people. I said lets go to the beach. We can get some drinks and take out there walk or just sit and talk. We decided to do that.

Then she was talking to a friend she hadn’t seen in a while and he decides to go with us. We went back and picked him up and got stuff to drink. We went to the pier where I always go and some lady told her they were closed. I tried to tell her we park their all the time it did not matter she was scared and left. We ended up about 6 blocks or more down and parked. We all walked out there started walking down the beach. Next thing I know we look behind us they aren’t there. They had sat down somewhere. We kept walking for a ways and decided we were ready so we turned around to find them.

We sat and talked for a while once we found them then in a bit they got up and started walking again. I was like wait I want to go back to the truck give us the keys. She wouldn’t said we would leave her or what we would do in her truck or something. I said I am tipsy I am not driving and he can’t either. By then they were away from us.

I had to go to the bathroom and decided we were going to walk up this walk off the beach to see if there was a store or something around. We got over the walk and there was the bar. I said we found a bar and a nice big truck. JW laughed said you and your big trucks. I said yep like my trucks. Lets take that one for a ride joking.

The way the bar is set up it different since it is right there by the beach. Its long two sides then all open on the end you walk the length you come in the front walk straight out the back or vs versa. Most of it you are sitting outside. I said lets walk around to the front and come in because it was crawled in the back and all through the place. I really had to go and did not see the bathroom from where we were. We walked around he had one of the beers we had with is open drinking it. I said they are going to make you get rid of that.

We got to the front there were bikes parked there a group of bikers and the bouncer standing around. I knew they were going to stop him I stepped through them walked in amd straight to the bathroom that was right there by the door. As I walked into the bathroom I heard the bouncer say something to him about his drink. I thought yep knew it. He going to be standing outside or arguing with this bouncer when I get back out there. I come out look around he is standing in the bar watching the fight no drink. He come over we walked out. I said what happen? What did he say about your drink? JW said he told me no drinks outside the bar I had to stay inside with it, I said yes I understand walked in with it and finished it so we could leave. He thought we had just come around the building from outback drinking.

After that we walked back down to the beach and started walking back toward where we had parked. Anyone that has been to the beach knows that if you park walk down the beach it is hard enough to find where you came down at if you walk to far down but if you come up on the street and try to walk back you may never find your car. In the dark you may as well forget it. That is why I park at the pier and walk down. I know when I get back to the pier I am where I need to be. Anyway Saturday when we first got down on the beach I stopped was looking back at the walk, the buildings everything around. He said what are you doing? I said looking around. I was looking to see something that would make me remember where we came down and parked. Off we went down the beach. We got back to where we came down and walked up the boardwalk, he was asking if I was sure that was where we came up. We walked up on the walk stood there talking for a bit and he walked down to see if the truck was there. It was he came back. I thought we were going back to the tuck. I started walking toward the truck and thought he was behind me. I guess he went to tell them we found the truck I started walking because I figured they were who knows how far down and I was just in my moods to walk. I walked up to the street and started walking. About the time I got down to the pier he was calling me asking where I was at. I told him and I kept walking. He said they were coming to get me I told them I was walking up to my old job to go to the bathroom again. They were telling me no stay there everything. I told them I crossed A1A and was almost at my old job but they were closed. By that time they were there. We went up to the little store and then to get something to eat. Her and her friend took us to his place and dropped us off. I stayed there for the night.

Saturday was 5 years since my dad passed and I was already not in the greatest moods. Feeling really depressed and then the kids decided that they were going to fight like hell all day. I Tried to take them out and got pissed off and took them home and gave them dinner and got them ready for bed. I took Little Bitty to bed and made her go to sleep before I left because she was the main cause of all the fighting. Then I left. Bff was going to pick me up and I decided to leave take my car. I called her and told her to meet me at his house instead. If I wanted then I could stay there and would have my car. The mood I was in I was not going to drink at all because I knew it would turn out bad.

I ended up laying in the back seat in his lap and crying. Bff said I was telling them they knew not to let me drink. That when we got back to his place she thought I made him man and he was going to leave me and I was going to have to go home with her that night. I guess me and her friend was talking about relationships, sex, and things like that. Her friend said something about going in and being with him, I guess I said I didn’t want to do him. I didn’t mean it that way, I just meant that we had talked about it and wasn’t rushing into things and the mood I was in I didn’t want to be with him like that. I want that to be when I am in a better mood we are both into it. She said at some point around there he kind of put his hands up and walked away to the house. I told her I didn’t think he was mad that everything seemed find when I had left that morning.

We talked a while before I left and I told him I was sorry and things. That I knew it was a bad time that I shouldn’t have drank. He was just like no big deal, it was fine, I didn’t do anything wrong, they been there, he understood. That I wasn’t going to get rid of him that easy. I had a lot on my plate and to deal with and he just wanted to help me with that and that we all need a break sometimes, that it wasn’t that much of one but he hoped it was something. That is was so nice to fall a sleep together and wake up together and that he was happy.

I love him I feel bad that things turned out the way they did. I was going to get one drank and drink that was it. Then they didn’t have it and we ended up with a 6 pack. I ended up drinking most of it. I drank it to fast as well. It hit me hard.

I told Bff that last year about this time was my bad moonshine night. But that at least Saturday wasn’t near as bad as last year when all that happen. That hey I didn’t scare this one off. Maybe he is a keeper and plans to stick around.

I swear at this point no more drinking this time of the year at all. I know when I should drink and when I shouldn’t just like I didn’t drink New Years eve because I knew I wasn’t in the right place mentally and that it would end up pretty bad. I was already depressed and mad that night too. I told her we needed another night like my birthday a few years ago. When we are all in a good mood and just have a good time.

I have been talking to him for the past few days. Today he ask where I was working at I told him. He said he was in my area doing a roof. I got off work and messaged him to see if he was still there or gone. He said gone back at the lot then on his way home now. I guess his ride got there. I said oh I am at x store. He said he wish I had told him I was going there. I really had not planed to things just happened that way.

Later I was at work we were still messaging. I told him I was going with bff. He said something. I said we go hang out and vent nothing big. He said he like to do that. I said then come. He said no ride and no money. I said i spend $2 and change on a tea that is it. He said would I bring him home? I told him yes. I ask if he had a ride this way he said it i thought maybe he could get this way just not  back. He said no they were in for the night.

I had already called bff and ask if she would pick him up if i took him home she said yeah. I told him she was going to pick him up and I would take him home. He said okay. I was surprised. I said okay address. I wanted it before he backed out. Say nope she is on her way. He sent it said he was going to get a shower and ready. After that we talked the rest of the night until she got there to get him.

I met them at her aunts house me and him took my truck and met them. We all hung out laughed and carried on all night. I didn’t get home until after 2. I ended up dropping him off around the corner from my house at a guy he works with house. He can just go to work in the morning, i didn’t have to make the hour trip there and back just for someone to have to make it again in a few hours.

As I was pulling in my driveway my phone was going off. He messaged said he had a good time. I said I did too we talked a little.


{July 19, 2018}   Thinking Out Loud

Bff and her aunt picked me up from work tonight. We decided to stop for our girls night since we haven’t seen eachother in weeks really.

We sat and talked a while and joked around. I was talking about needing to get my truck fixed and wanting to move and things. I said if I don’t get it fixed I would just put me and the kids on a bus and go with no truck. Bff said what about the dogs? I said I have do what I had to do.  We got to  talking about one of her girls and working at the truck stop. When I said it, it hit me. My friends husband is a truck driver. I said shit i ask him take us give him some money and be done.

Later on the way home one of them said something about my truck and selling it if I go and things. I said if I can’t get it fixed I will scrap it take what I can get. One said wouldn’t I get more selling it? I said probably but I am not getting ripped off by these people that is all I am getting. I said I will give it away first to someone who needs it. It hit me, he drives a rig. I am not taking a lot if he would take me the kids, dogs and the little bit of crap we want to take, I would give him and his son my truck for doing it for me. They can do all the work theirself if they were willing to do that for me then they could have it for sure. I can put the $230 in it and get it back on the road but it needs other work before I can take a trip like that in it. But then when I get there I have inspections and things to pass. I am not sure what they look for and think it should pass but if it don’t im in trouble. This maybe a better idea all around.

I have to get a hold of the one talk to him and go from there. But this is most likely what I will do if i go and if her husband would be willing to do that. He owns his rig and everything so he has flexibility. If he can’t take us. If be would take our stuff and animals i would still do it.

{May 17, 2018}   A Much Needed Break

After work tonight I went out with my bff and her friend for a much needed break. I love my kids, but with Little Bitty being sick all it has been hell. Well between me and her being sick at the sametime I should say.

She already having a hard time with me being gone so much at night. Now with her sick all she wants to do is be stuck to me like glue if I am home. We lay down she wants me to cuddle her and hold her just so. Or sitting on my lap or against me. I do it most nights I cuddle her just how she wants.

But with me being sick and her wanting to be on me anytime I am around, by the time we go to bed at night, I just want to lay how ever I want so I am comfortable. I don’t want to cuddle and lay how she wants me to. I try to explain and compromise but she just gets upset and cries because she don’t feel good either. I am trying so hard but there been nights I just say this is how Im laying figure out where your laying or how this is it. I just hurt so bad and feel so bad. I feel bad she gets upset but I can’t help it. Again I am giving, giving, giving and not getting what I need in returne.

I am just touched out with her right now, I just need space. I just need cared for. There no one to do that, then I just need that time away to destress and do what I can to make myself feel as better as I can.

I haven’t been out with them in awhile, because lately she been up when I get off. I have to come home take care of her get her to sleep and it is to late. Tonight she was a sleep so I stopped on my way home for a while. We hardly talked or anything we just sat listen to everyone sing and went home. I ordered a tea that was it. I didn’t even eat tonight.

But I still had a good time. My bff kept asking me what was wrong? Really wasn’t anything just had a few things on my mind. Nothing really wrong. Just things I have not talk to her about yet. Didn’t really want to get into with our other friend there. She a friend I guess but not someone I am close to or want to get into somethings with right now. I don’t know that I want to talk to my bff about it yet either. She is going through a lot right now. I think I just need to decide somethings on my own for now. Then depending on what I decide or what happens will decide if I even tell her.

I am just happy I got some time to relax and destress.

{November 11, 2016}   You either Trust or You Don’t

How can you be in a relationship with someone that you do not trust? I don’t know for everyone else but for me trust is like one of the biggest things to me if not the biggest. I can’t just trust you in some areas and not others. I have to trust you 100% or I can’t have a relationship more than friends with you.

I have friends who do not trust their other half to do things without them. Like the other weekend when me and my friend went out, I asked another friend to go with us. She told me she couldn’t because it would break her “rule” and she didn’t want to break it or then her husband would or could.

I was a little confused, she said that she don’t want him going out alone or with his friends because she is scared he will cheat on her. So she has a rule that if they go out they have to go out together.

Me and her can go out to lunch, shopping, or anything else. But we can’t have a girls night out and go have drinks or go to a bar or two like me and my other friend did. Because if he did he might cheat.

I understand that he cheated in the past and it was when he went out and left her at home. But that has been forever ago and they were both into a lot of things and different people back then. Their life then is nothing like it is now. They both have over come a lot and have done a 180 in life.

I could never stay with someone who cheated on me, it is a deal breaker. For me trust is hard for me to give to that degree and very few people get it. If I have chosen to trust you to that extent and you break it then it can’t be regained.

That is the main thing that happen with me and Father of the Year. He broke the trust and since he did that no matter what I did or tried I do not feel I can trust him again. Not to the degree to have a intimate relationship. Really not much of any kind of relationship other than being civil to each other for the sake of the kids. It was like an instant thing when he did it and hit happen.

I understand her hubby cheated but to me if you agree to stay together then you have forgiven and trust again. Maybe not right away but 10 years later if you do not trust them have you really forgiven? Do you really have a relationship? If you only trust them to go work and come home?

He goes fishing sometimes but then she gets upset if he don’t answer his phone or a few times he has come home and left his phone at work and she was mad. Why he needed to leave his phone at work, what was he hiding and things. Really he just forgot it because he can’t keep it in his pocket all the time.

I really don’t know what to say to her when she says she can’t break her rule and go because then he can if he wants and she don’t want him to. Or she gets all mad because he forgot his phone at work, or can’t get a hold of him for a few minutes why he is fishing or at the store. Because I could not live that way. I have made the comment that if I don’t know how she lives like that if I don’t trust who I’m with I’m not with them. She just say’s your single or if you were married you would understand. I told her I went out when I was married it didn’t stop me. Because we both knew who we were with and were happy and weren’t worried about the other looking for someone else. He went out if he wanted to, I didn’t care. Neither one of us went out very often with friends without the other because we liked going together and spending the time together. But if we wanted to go with friends wasn’t a big deal.

I understand wanting to go with the other and spend the time together or liking to go together, but when the other isn’t around to go because of work or what then that isn’t an excuse. Like the other week when we went out she said if her hubby was off to go they would love to go out with us but he had to work. I didn’t say anything. She knows that I don’t get out often at all so I have to go when I can. I didn’t say it to her but sometimes I want to go out with just the girls and not have the guys tag alone. It gives us a chance to talk and just relax.

Me and my friend stopped by her house at like 2 am when things closed, before we went home. She was so thrilled we stopped by and had been sitting there depressed all night because everyone she knew was out or at parties and she was sitting home alone all night, while he worked. He didn’t get home until after 5 am. She would have been home long before he got home so that wasn’t a problem either. Just that she don’t trust him and she would rather sit there depressed and miserable all night alone.

I just couldn’t live that way. It’s like if you do not have full trust in someone then how can you have a relationship if you want to. You have to stop and think about everything you want to do or they might want to do and decide if you trust them to do it or not then give them permission to do it or lay down rules like a parent. I don’t want to feel like someone’s parent I want to feel like an equal.

In relationships in the past it has never been one asking the other if they could do something or telling them they can’t. If we wanted to go out with friends we would check with the other to make sure there wasn’t something else going on and it worked for both of us. If we didn’t like something the other done then we talked about it with them and let them know why. Sometimes the other would agree not to do what ever it was again, other times they may say well I understand how you feel but I can’t say I won’t do it again because of this that and the other and then a happy middle would be found or the other would just have to understand that this is how it was. But most times a happy middle was found or it just wasn’t done again.

That is how a relationship should be not a rules and permission kind of thing.

et cetera
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