{November 25, 2016}   Two Missed Pills

As I said in my last post me and my oldest were staying up to watch the new Gilmore Girls at midnight and then found out it was 3 am our time. We made it to 3 and through the first show. I maid it less than half way through the second show. I woke up turned it off and we went to bed.

It was already 5 something in the morning when I went to bed so needless to say I didn’t take my pill. What a horrible night it was, well if you can call it a night. I think I slept 4 hours and woke up a couple times. When I wasn’t awake I was dreaming until I would wake myself up. It was nightmares really, I kept dreaming about these red, yellow and black snakes all over my house and trying to get me. Then someone told me they were poisons, I already thought they were. It really didn’t matter because as I have said many times snakes are the one thing I am not going to have any part of. I would rather fight a person than deal with a snake. I take my chances with anything but a snake.

I also dreamed about a few other things but do not remember them like I remember the snake dreams. The snake dream was always the same one and in my head while I am dreaming I am saying to myself I just dreamed this the other night. Trying to figure out why I am dreaming it. Then I was even trying to figure out if I was awake or dreaming.

I know when I am really stressed I would dream about snakes and things like that, but I think that this is because of not taking my medication. It seems that both nights I had all these crazy dreams is when I miss my medication. I think that it is working but I don’t know if it is completely helping or not though. I feel better over all I still don’t feel like I have any motivation. I don’t know maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. Even though I feel better I still just don’t feel like I really care about the things I should. I want to do things, I do things and have fun but other than that I just don’t care about the things I should. I don’t know how to explain it, I keep telling myself not to stress over or that it isn’t that I don’t care it’s that everything will work out. I guess I should talk to counselor Tuesday and see what she has to say.

{February 11, 2016}   Have You Ever Had A Dream

That you woke from a sound sleep to wide awake and can’t go back to sleep. A dream so bad you wake up in physical pain and feel like your going to be sick?

Thats the kind of dream I just had. My heart hurts, i feel like I’m going to be sick and I feel like the wores person in the world because of what happen and I don’t even know what happen. Its just asuming from what I seen in a few second dream. All that keeps racing through my head is why I didn’t do this or that and what happend and this forever scared and broken person sitting in front of me and the things that most likely happen to them. The look on their face and refusal to speak of the horre they just endured.

The hunting thoughts I had as I open my eyes and for a minute second felt releafe that it was only a dream. The thought of the dream I had off and on for a year or more about my dad and step dad. For a little while I kept dreaming that my step dad died and I had to tell my sister. At the end of my dream it wasn’t really him it was my dad. I kept dreaming that something was going to happen to him. Then the thought of other dreams  and how things in them happend.

I lay here try my hardest to not think about it and to tell myself it was just a drram that was probably only seconds long and that everyone is fine. But it don’t work. I feel like I’m being lifted off the bed and taken away from it but I only get so far and brought back down. Because there is no getting away from it.

Instently thoughts of not doing this or allowing that any more flood my mind while at the same time telling myself I can’t let fear of what if take over and rule our lives. It was just a dream. I just wish I could shake the feeling that something bad is to come. I wish my heart didn’t hurt and I didn’t feel like I’m going to be sick. I’ve never felt such a way after waking up from a dream.

How do you just forget it and go on when you feel like your hearts been ripped out and sat in front of you? Its broken and mangealed and hurting. You just want to put your arms around it hold it tight and tell it everythings ok, everythings going to be ok and your going to protect it. All while knowing everything isn’t ok, everything isn’t going to be ok and you failed misreably at protecting it from this how can you say your going to protect it now? How do you touch it when you don’t even know if it’s ok to touch it, it may not want to be touched, touching it may be to much for it right now with all it just went through, it don’t want to talk. It don’t have to you can see it all over its face, the hurt, the broken, the shame, the guilt, the fear, the unsertinety of what happen. You can see it already trying to stuff it all down and forget it, stuff it all down and not have to ever talk about it or think about it. The thought of just wanting to forget it and if it couldjust be forgotten and not talked about it would go away and it never happen. Your own feelings of just wanting to cry but be strong for them, wanting to rage and be angry but just feeling numb and like the world has just stopped and come crashing down on you. You know what you have to do and need to do but your frozzen there in that second unable to do anything with all your thoughts and feelings running through your mind and over you.

I lay her now in disbelife that such a fragment of a dream could be so real and leave you feeling such a way with so many thoughts.

et cetera
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