{June 4, 2018}   Therapy

When I left the water department I walked across the street to see if I could get an appointment to see my therapist this week. I haven’t been in a few weeks or so. The lady said she had something at 2 and it was after 130 so I told her I would just wait. I have never been able to get in the same day even before when I really needed to.

She asked me how things were going? I told her and that I just came from acrosd the street and what was going on. She pulled out a slip of paper there and started asking about places. I told her I called what they had said or that I couldn’t get anything but leave a message and things. She asked if I wanted her to try a few places. I told her sire if she could get me help or in to talk to someone faster or what. Because a lot of times if someone like that calls on your behalf they will help you more than if you just call or walk in.

She called I don’t know how many places and got no where like me. She was like wow I have never seen somewhere that it was so hard to get help when you try. She said its not like your asking them to pay all your bills or nothing your needing help one time to get through the month with one bill. You can make it on your own things are turning around. I said I know this is how it is. That is why when people say go here pr there and let them help I always just figure out make it happen but right now I can’t this time.

I told her how Mr. To Broken tried to go pay it and they wouldn’t let him. She asked if I could just borrow the money from him pay it back in a few payments like i was going to the water company. I told her I think I made him mad and that it would come with some big strings attached and that he been very pushy about us being together and mad when I say no amd how he tried to say we are basically together already and things. How I told him I am interested in someone else and had feelings for someone else amd everything and he still pushing.

She said oh oh um yeah that is not right, he has problems that is not normal. She said I think I would rather do without water. But you are not going to get rid of him that easy. Because I told her what happen last night (more on that in a bit) how he hasn’t talk to me since.

Not sure what I am going to do or how I am going to get it paid. I can’t do without water.

{May 18, 2017}   Still Makes No Since

I am still able to get on line come here apply for most jobs and do other things. But I can not get to my school site and I can’t get to the clerk of court site. Two sites I need to get on the most right now next to applying for jobs. I am down to $13 to last me until who knows when. I am really starting to worry and panic because I have never had this little. I need a few things around the house and I need it for gas for the truck. I don’t know what to do. I have no idea who to borrow from because I don’t know anyone to borrow any from. If I keep borrowing I am going to owe all I do get in the next week or to back to everyone. At this point I truly have no idea what we are going to do. I am trying not to borrow as well because I am going to need to borrow enough to pay the rent if the money don’t come that’s $125. He sits where ever he is buying things and blowing his money why I have spent all my money to keep things a float this long and he has no care in the world. I blocked Wanda last night as well so if he wants to get a hold of me he will have to do it himself. I am not going through someone that has nothing to do with this.

I am so close to giving up it isn’t even funny at this point. I want to message him tell him if he don’t come and pick his kids up tomorrow I will be bringing them to his job and dropping them off to him. of curse he will say he has no room for them in his truck and shit because he has it full of I don’t know what since he didn’t take any of his but it looked like a rolling dumpster when I seen it last. I bet he would drive away and leave them is what he would probably do he is that kind of an as hole. I have my meeting at legal aid to day more gas I don’t have to spend and time to run down there. I really don’t think they are going to help me they were so rude and didn’t seem interested when I was there last week. I don’t even have the gas to go turn them in at this point. I don’t know what I am going to do I really don’t.

How do you just walk away from your kids and not care what they have or don’t have and know that you left them in the worse way you could. How can you walk around with all that money in your pocket and not care what happens to them or that they want to see you or anything. I started to tell him about Little Guys kinder Graduation tonight but I didn’t he didn’t ask and I wasn’t dealing with him showing up there with her. If he was around and cared he would make it a point to know what is going on and show up and be at things for them and leave her out of it.

But who knows what he does, the internet or any of it don’t make no since to me.

{March 4, 2017}   Everything Is Out of Sorts

It has been a very off week to me, I am still sick of course, the weather has decided to get cold again for the weekend. I am sure that will prolong getting over this crap. On top of that I can tell the time is getting ready to change and it is causing problems for me already.

I go back and forth on if I like it when it gets dark later or earlier. I use to like it when it got dark earlier because I could get the kids in bed early and have time to myself. Now the kids are bigger it don’t work that way so much. I also would get to bed earlier because I would have that down time in the evening. But then I get to where even if i got to bed I wake up off and on all night and it seems that the nights drag on forever. I am starting to like when it gets dark later and did when I was working as well. I liked it because when I worked I didn’t get off until 5 then had to come home make dinner feed the kids and by the time I was done we still had time to do things after. Where as when it gets dark at 6 we didn’t have time to do anything outside after dinner. If we tried to do anything before dinner was supper late and they got to bed late. when it gets dark later we have time to eat dinner then do what we want to do and even if we are out later they still get to bed a decent time.

With it like it is now getting dark at 6 and now slowly getting darker a little later each night is throwing everything off. I was out with my friend and the kids the other night taking care of stuff and thought it was just getting to be maybe 6/630 because it really wasn’t that dark yet. When I looked it was almost 730. We didn’t get home until 8 because I had to go drop my friend off and go home. By the time we got dinner and everyone got showers and ready for the next day it was almost 1130. The next night didn’t go much better but that was just because of running around we had to do and things we had to get done but it still seemed much later than it was and then the night drug on forever for me.

My right side is killing me I can’t turn my head to the right, my shoulder back there is in so much pain I am about ready to cry. The bone is out of the socket and it is pinching everything and it feels like the end is shoving into the other bone and pinching everything in between when they do. And it is swollen huge all through my neck and shoulder almost my face. I have no idea what I did to make it this way. I didn’t feel good yesterday still I took the kids to school didn’t have anything to do so I came home and went to bed. I slept a while until I had to get up and take care of things and when I got up I was this way. I was fine before I laid down no pain or sign of anything at all wrong or hurting. I can even feel it up into my jaw. It hurts to sit, stand, lay or anything at this point. If I take something for it, it is going to knock my out and then I am going to get nothing done and have the kids here. Because we all know father of the year isn’t going to come over he can’t get sick. I like that he isn’t here and isn’t coming over don’t get me wrong. I just wish that he would come get the kids and take them like he is supposed to. Like now if he did I could take something that would probably help with my back, then I could sleep like it will make me and not have to worry. I would still have my work to get done but I could then have time tonight and tomorrow to get it done without having to worry about doing everything I need to for the kids and all that. I would be able to sit down work on it straight through until I was done. I would do better on it as well I am sure. As of right now they are in and out wanting stuff, asking stuff, fighting, or whatever else they want to do while I am trying to work on it and I miss things or what here and there.

Like right now I have one laying on my bed next to me telling me he wants to eat, while he lays here moving all around making me hurt worse and he is talking up a storm to me and telling me what he wants. This is the second time he has been in here because the older kids are not helping him like I ask them to do. So now instead of starting my work or taking something to get out of pain I have to go help him then start it and work in pain and with them running all around.

I have a huge project to get done by tomorrow evening and homework for all my other classes. Most the time I sit down today and tomorrow and knock it out but the way I am hurting I don’t know if I am going to get it done or not. This is no good at all.

{December 6, 2015}   Principle Of The Matter


I have pretty much been saying this all week and then last night we got chines food and this was in my fortune cookie. I told father of the year my cookie said to quit my job. I like my job but it is the most unorganized, poorly ran, train wreck of a mess I have ever seen or worked in. The first week and then ten day straight went pretty smooth. The last couple not the case, the reason for the ten day straight was so we could be on the phones the Thursday before thanksgiving. I ended up not being there Thursday or Friday because I wasn’t appointed. Then the week of Thanksgiving I went to work and sat all day everyday to do nothing. I got my Check the 20 th and it was short almost $300. I called up the guy over the floor who is now my new boss to talk to him about it. Of course I didn’t get him I got his voice-mail. I left him a message and told him who I was and that my check was short, that money was my daycare money and that if I didn’t pay my daycare I couldn’t come to work the next week. Friday my money was in the bank. They had not moved my pay up to what it should have been until the day before my check went in the bank and the last day I should have been making that amount of pay. They still have not moved me up to what I should be making and now we have gotten another check and it is short as well because of it.

Then they come off with they aren’t paying us the $13 until we are on the phone, so the week that I sat there waiting to get on the phone they are paying me a $1 less an hour. All the while I know that others around me was moved up to the $13 and got paid for the same time while waiting to get on the phone as well. They are saying we were still in “training”. I was not in no way shape or form in training still. The only reason I was not on the phone was because blue cross didn’t have their stuff together and get my log in fixed. If they had sent my information so I could log in I could have been on the phone. They never got me on the phone until this past Monday or Tuesday.

The first call I had I spent three hours on the phone with this women trying to find her a decent plan at a decent price to cover her family here and her daughter in California. She got a credit to help pay for it but all we found were crap plans. I wasn’t sure when it was showing the monthly premium if it took her credit off or not and the site went down why I was doing it, so I asked my TL if it had been taken off or if I needed to take it off. She told me it hadn’t been taken off so I needed to take it off. I took it off and it brought her plan down to $200 really not a plan that was worth it but it was better than almost $1000.

I go threw the rest of the application and just as I was getting ready to sign it and put everything threw it pops up and says your plan is X a month your credit is Y a month and your monthly payment is Z. Well Z was the almost $1000 a month amount. It had already taken off the credit. So now I have this women that needs this for her family and can’t afford it and can’t go with a lower plan and have all her family covered. I put her on hold and asked my TL what I was supposed to do now? She walks off and says nothing. In a minute she comes back and is standing at the desk of the person in front of me with her back to me. I asked her again what am I supposed to tell this women now that you gave me the wrong information to give her?

She tells me to call the marketplace and let them take care of it. I told her she wanted off the phone so she could go get her other kids, she didn’t have time to hang on the phone and wait for them to pick up and then go back threw this all again. She says well tell her you will call her back and I will call her.

Well it’s been a week or more and no one has called her back. I figured she would shop around and hopefully find something that works better for her family. It’s just the point of the matter and I know that if or when she called her back she is going to say well the person you talked to you were her first phone call and she messed up. Even though I asked her and she told me wrong.

This TL is more worried about what two people on her team are doing and getting to write them up than to do her job. Half the time you can’t find her and when you do ask her something she walks off. I asked her how to fix my computer the other day because I got locked out for the second time in a few hours. She said she was going to take care of it she be right back, walked about three desk down and told someone else to take over for her she was going on lunch. I was on the phone with a question she was no where around another boss or TL came over to help. He looks goes hmm yeah I have never come across that I really don’t know. Stands there looks at it some more and says hold on I will get someone to help you I’ll be right back and darts off. He goes to the other end of the building/room to where a bunch of people were standing around with the head guy over everything there, stands around and chats. Never came back never sent anyone to help me.

Last week in two days we had 4 people quit just from my team. They chased them down and begged them to come back. It is to late to hire more people train them get their state test and everything they need. By the time they had it this would be over. This guy from our team comes up to our tl and ask her who the main guy over everything was and what he looked like where his office was. She stopped dead and I can’t even describe the look on her face and she asked him why. He told her he needed to talk to him about paperwork. She looked so re-leafed and showed him where he was and where his office was.

I couldn’t help it I busted up laughing, looked at her and said your face oh my god it was priceless. She didn’t look happy at all and said well I have gotten a lot of complaints from you guys lately to him. I said oh well I don’t know anything about that I haven’t said more than hi and bye to him in passing. I thought good I’m glad at least I am not the only one who feels she isn’t doing her job. I already knew I wasn’t everyone talks about it all the time when we are sitting there unable to do our jobs or don’t have the right info because she gives us the wrong information.

My check was short again this Thursday when I got it and my little one was sick and needed to go to the doctor. I was going to go in and work most the day and take off a couple hours early and take her. I had worked a little overtime the days before to cover it. I seen that I was already mad and didn’t feel good myself I stayed home and called the leave line. I went in Friday and put my stuff at my desk and she was at the desk over from me helping one of the guys with something. I turned around and asked her when so and so was going to be in, she said this one or that one there a few people with the same first name. I said no this one. Guess what she froze and that look came across her face again. She stuttered and ask why or what was wrong. I told her my check was shorted I turned in a time card slip to correct things on it a week or more ago to her and it had never been done, I still wasn’t at the pay I should be getting and that I didn’t know if I was staying or not today or coming back at all. I felt bad but she dropped everything she was doing and said I will go talk to some other lady, I guess is over payroll. But I already seen the way she stood on the floor in front off everyone there and talk to one of the guys when he tried to ask her a question about his pay. If she talked to me like that I’m not sure what I would have said or done but I know I would have went from hot to boiling in a second and it would have gotten ugly. That’s why I figured I should just go talk to the other guy and he was the one I talk to last time and he fixed it for me. She came back and told me no I wouldn’t get paid x because I wasn’t on the phone until this week and blah blah. I told her no I was told I would get this much that was what I expected and that if they really wanted to start I had and email that said I should have made a $1 more the first day I walked in the place. But I knew what they had told me so I figured it was a mistake and didn’t say anything. But that I know they also told me I would be making this now and the week before as well and now they are trying to reign on that and that I wasn’t going to be done that way. I said yeah it might only be $40 extra for the week or whatever but it is the, she said the principle of the matter. I said that is right and if this is how they are going to do over that then what else are they going to do later on or try? I am not going to be done this way and if I put a stop to it now and they see I’m not going to sit back and take it then maybe they won’t try anything else later they will know it isn’t going to fly. She said I understand she is working on it I am waiting to hear back. She had made it a point to tell me she was going to be in a meeting all day from 10 to 7 and someone else would be taking over for her Then it came out later she had training all day to be in.

This girl that took over is ok she is there to help and answer your questions all the way but she is a bitch. We have to keep track of how many calls we get how many were chance to sell and how many sales we get each hour. Well Friday I got a ton of calls that I should have never had, they should have been sent to customer service. I got one that wanted information and wants me to call her back Monday, she has to talk to her husband. Then I had one I was in the middle of doing a sale had a question so I put her on hold and put my hand up, she was no where to be found. This other girl I have no idea where she was from came and helped me. I go back to the phone my customer was gone. The phones went down off and on all day so I don’t know if that is why she was gone or if she hung up. She said when she called we could not call her back so I am not allowed to call her back. It was past my break time I logged off got up to go on my break. Here comes the other girl oh you got that sale. I said no lost the call some how not sure if she hung up or what. What how why are you not on the phone calling her right back right now, you need to sit back down get on the phone now and get her on there and finish that sale. I said because she opted out of us calling her back so I can’t by law call her back. She started about numbers and mumbled something to me about the calls I had today. I was lived, I walked out and went to my truck. I was ready to leave and not go back. I sat there for a while and then went and ate a few bites of my lunch before I had to go back on the phone. I don’t want to leave yet because We have a $350 bounce coming and I was told the other day they were being processed and when I asked the head boss over the floor about them a few weeks ago he said that he thought they were being put threw and people were getting them because he hadn’t heard any complaints about them. Why I went back in. Everyone keeps saying keep it just stick it out and do it until you find something else or it ends at least it is a job. Yes it is a job and I need a job, but I am not going to be shorted money and I am not going to be talked to and treated the way they have been talking to us and treating us. I come to work the hours and days they tell me to come to work, I take the breaks they want us to take, I wear the clothes they want me to wear and I do my job the best I can do considering the training I have had. everyone around me says that when we have no problems with the computer and I have calls who aren’t just customer service calls I do my job good. The one lady sat with me all day Friday to learn how to do this she started with me. She could sit with anyone there. I do all they ask me all I expect in return is to be paid on pay day the amount I am supposed to be getting paid, not shorted not paid at a lower rate and not told we will get it to you as soon as we can but don’t worry we will pay you. I account for every penny of my check and every bill I have. 9 times out of 10 my check is paid out to bills before it ever hits my bank, I can’t wait until next check or a month down the road.

I talk to my tl when she came threw on break right before I left she said she hadn’t heard anything back yet she was waiting to talk to her again but she been in this meeting. I kind of figured that I would have my money in the bank today but nothing came threw. So Monday I am going to go in and tell her look I gave you all day Friday to fix this here we are Monday I still don’t have my money now I am talking to the boss about it and I’m going to let him know that I am leaving and going to find another job. I am going to tell her I plan to tell him how poorly the support is when you get on the phone, how these people speak to us and act and that yeah it’s a job but I am a person just like everyone else and I expect to be treated with respect just like I give everyone else there. When we were going over my time card on the computer she started about well I couldn’t do this and that you weren’t put under me until the day after time went in and it was to late. I said well I worked and I am owed money if you couldn’t do it then you should have made sure that whoever could done it or let someone know or me know so I could get it fixed. The fact of the manner is I am owed money and I expect to get it or I am going to go home.

I guess we will see Monday if I still have a job or not. A few of the people who quit did come back by the end of the week but if I leave I am not coming back. Like me and one of the guys were talking about and he said the same as I did if he quits he isn’t coming back in a few days or whatever. It’s the point in the matter and as long as people keep letting the treat them this way and do them this way they will keep doing it. If others stand up and say no we aren’t putting up with it they would have to change.

My boss done told one of the ladies on my team who quit that this was the worse opening of a new center he had ever seen and this was horrible. He dose this all the time all over the country and had for many years. Like I told her it’s what they have to work with in this area and then they bring in more just like them. It is all who you know not what you know. Me and the girl sitting with me both have manager experience her way more than me with a much larger company than me. But we get hired and put on the phones when they know this, while they bring these people who have never managed anything and have no clue what they are doing and give them the job. A big reason they have so many problems.

{June 25, 2015}   Out Walking In The Night

The other day I posted about running out of gas with my friend and two little s (Your Not Going To Kill Me, Are You). I walked up to the station got gas and a ride back  to the van.

Well last night I left the kids with father of the year and went to church, I haven’t been in almost a month and missed bible study last month. I really felt I needed to go. We put about $15 in gas yesterday and he put in another $5 this morning. We have went hardly no where on that $20 at all. My big ass truck gets over 10 miles to a gallon I know this little mini van should get at least that if not more so on $20 I should have been able to go them places home and him back to work and home again.

I get half way home from bible study and break down right in front of my old job. I nearly make it off the road and into their lot before it wouldn’t go any more. I called all over to try and get someone to come help me and everyone was busy or working. I sat there a little bit and decided to go try and get gas.

I walked up to the little store and paid over $10 for a little tiny gas can and got $2.50 in gas. I went to walk back to the van this older guy come out of the store and called to me. I walked back over the guy working in the store came out he said he is ok really nice guy I have known him for a while he will take you back to your car if you want. I thought at that point may as well I rather fight than walk tonight. We got back to the van and put the gas in it still wouldn’t start. The guy finally left and I called farther of the year had him call work and have them send a tow truck.

I have no idea what is wrong with it sitting there doing nothing and it makes this grinding and growing sound. No key on or in it. I think it is possessed really I do. At this point I really don’t care. I just needed it to last until Friday because I didn’t get my money Tuesday. Went to the school they said it wouldn’t be there until the end of the week. At this point I have nothing to do, no where to go today, I will just find a way to go get my truck and forget it. It needs to much work and not worth it to me to put money into it to make it run again for a day or two when it needs so much other stuff that is going to be a problem soon. I told them the other day I think it is something besides the gas because I thought it should have had gas in it the other day when we got stuck too. Now they think it is something wrong with the fuel pump. Even though the gage didn’t work and read full one minute and empty the next once it got to low it would ding and once it started to ding you had to get gas right away. It hasn’t dinged the last two times it was supposedly out of gas. But if it is the fuel pump even if it isn’t out if it gets to low it would still keep it from pulling it up through there so it wouldn’t run.

Everyone says they can come take a look at it or wants to buy it but don’t want to pay anything for it. I told them at this point it is tagged until October I can leave it sit parked and nothing no one can do about it for now. I have to much other stuff to worry about to think about what to do with it. If I sell it I have to track my brother down get him to sign papers and then sit at the tag office for hours to get at title. No one wants to give me over $500 to $600 for it. It will cost me $100 to get a title so I am back down to $500 plus the hours sitting waiting to get a title with 4 kids. I went to just get my license the other day and sat for 2.5 hours. It is no different than sitting and waiting for a title. I can scrap it for $500 with no title why would I want to sell it for $600 or even $700 to still end up with only $500 by the time I sit wait and pay for a title. They don’t seem to understand that. My friend wants the tires if they are in good shape. I figure I will sell them the tires for it and get his old ones and put on it and still sell it for $500 for scrap and still be at $600 or more and not have to do all the running around putting out money and waiting. If he wants anything else off of it I can sell him that too and then scrap it.

Its pouring here so not like we would have been going anywhere today any how.

{June 17, 2015}   Determined Not to Move

When father of the year left I had my money worked out and had enough to pay my bills for a few month. I have since worked out to make sure they were taken care of until August. Well father of the year hasn’t given my anything since he moved out. Let me explain he did he gave me $200 once and then I “borrowed” around $100 once. Well then he needed money and I lent him some. He was supposed to get his vacation pay and give it back to me. Then he tells me he couldn’t get it. He paid a little on my light bill that is it. He is down to have given me less than $200 in all the time he has been gone.

I had money coming from school I was going to use to pay my rent. Well they explained it to me wrong and I didn’t get the money. I had to pay my rent late and the office is all over me now. I got a call from the owner of the office the other week he was really nasty. I had to pay late once before and it was no problem. They worked with me. Most the year that we have been here my rent has been paid up 3 or 4 months ahead. I figured I explain to them I didn’t have it but when I would have it and that when I paid it I planed to pay July and August rent as well. He didn’t care then tried to tell me I didn’t have a lease. I signed a lease the first of April or May when mine was up. I didn’t want them to just come in and tell me they were doing this or that and I needed to move or that they wanted to raise my rent. They lost their copy of it. Then he started trying to tell me that it wasn’t any good because they didn’t check my employment. Not they don’t’ check that when you sign a new one and they can’t not give me a new one because of my living situation. He wanted to know why I was late and if i lost my job. I told him no was honest with him told him i had never had one. That I was looking for one that father of the year had left and was not paying and that I had money coming but it didn’t come when it was supposed to and I was trying to figure out why. That’s when he got nasty and basicaly said we had to move. I said you know i been here a year this place sat empty for a year or more before for i moved in it. I have had my rent paid in advance most the time i lived here this one time I am having a problem and you can’t give me a little bit of time and work with me? He said we don’t care if your rent has been paid up the whole time you been here your late we are giving you 3 days notice to get out. If not we will file with the court Monday. Then wanting to know how I planed to pay it at the end of the month and keep it on time from here. I told him I had money coming and that I was looking for a job and that I had money I got every month. That this month I had this happen I didn’t know that I was trying to make it right. He said oh well you will be getting notice Tuesday or Wednesday. I was so mad I wanted to hang up on him long before when he started drilling me about why I was late my job and all that but I didn’t. I didn’t want to make matters worse. I finally just said ok I guess we will see what happens when he said he was posting the note and it had to be paid by Friday and he hung up.

I called the office and talked to the lady I normally deal with and talk to her. I just told her that I would have it Monday but I didn’t see a point in paying it if they were going to give me a three day notice to get out. It was Tuesday then. She said well if you bring it by Monday even with the notice you will be ok because it would be Thursday Friday and Monday. I said but if they send me a notice then I am going to have a fee for that on top of the late fee I already have and the fee you all are charging to do a new lease. I am going to be paying out my rent money for other months in fees. So if I am going to be in the same spot in a few weeks I may as well move. She said don’t worry I am going to try and take care of it just get the money and get it in here. I never got a notice. I think she is the one who is supposed to send it to the lawyer to be written up and posted. She probably just didn’t send it and didn’t say anything. She told me before if she didn’t do the stuff around there it didn’t get done. Just like my roof the owner of the company never called told me he did she had to a week later.

I am asking father of the year what am I supposed to do, where am I supposed to get money? I’m sitting here so sick from it all and the stress I can’t stand it. I was physically sick for days. He just acts like it is no big deal and says I don’t know like always. Then it was well we can sell the van. The one may dad left me. Right now it needs some stuff I wouldn’t get much if I sold it. I could scrap it and get hardly nothing because the price of metal is down. Even if I scrapped it I wouldn’t have enough to do anything or pay anything I needed to. I have maybe $250 when I needed $1100.

The kids were supposed to go to camp Sunday and they needed stuff. He said they just can’t go to camp. I said no that isn’t right the kids aren’t going to not go to camp because you fucked up again. I said it isn’t their fault you screwed up at work and got demoted to a lower paying hard to make money at position. I said we sit here why you pay for cars you hit, tool boxes you tore up and tickets you racked up at work and do with out. I said we don’t even mean enough that we can have a house to live in and bills paid. We can just be homeless.

No no that isn’t how it is at all. I have to keep my job and I give you money when I have it or I can. I have to pay bills too and rent. I said well rather you have it or not our bills still need paid as well. I had my part of things for months here and should still have money to have paid the rent even if that school money didn’t come. But I have been picking up your slack for what you are not paying since you moved out and now I don’t have it. If I hadn’t been paying everything and doing it all and he had been helping even with half of what he is supposed to give me when my money didn’t come I should have been able to go down pay my rent and not had to worry about it one bit. But I couldn’t because I have less than $250. Then he says to me I am so tried of everyone looking at me, talking about me and acting like I am a deadbeat dad that don’t help take care of my kids. I said then stop being one because right now that is what you are. You don’t pay your part to help support them, you can’t even buy them food when they come to your house, I am paying everything here for them and buying the food they eat why they are at your house and now because you lied yet again I lent you money to help you so your not homeless and now we are going to be because again you didn’t do what you said you were going to do and again you act like it is no big deal and poor you and what everyone thinks of you. When it comes down to it and we are down to being out any day and your asked for help what do you say? Well you could sell the van, you could sell this and that. Sell my stuff give them my money again not I could sell this or I could try to get money for that. Just sell my stuff where is this of mine where did this money go. Screamed at me because I took less than $100 and took my kids on the trip to the light house and things that one day. We packed lunch and snacks hardly spent any money other than gas money. I had $1000’s at the time and had a little extra to do something nice for them and it still wouldn’t have put me short had he been doing his part. Told everyone I blew my money and didn’t pay bills and not getting thrown out and mad at him for not giving me more money when he is already giving me money. He stupid my best friends husband works with him and knows how it is. Why he sits and tells everyone all this. I guess he thinks we don’t talk just me and her talk but he knows because his wife was with me when I took every last dime i had and paid bills with it.

I ended up taking my truck and pawning it until I get money next week to pay my bills. I can’t believe I had to do something like that. I have never had to go so far as selling or pawning my vehicle when I really don’t have anything else to drive. I have the van but the door i have to get the kids in and out of sticks closed most the time it isn’t safe, there are no back widows to get air and the air is broke they get sick riding around in it, something is wrong with the oil sending unit or something not really sure it has no pressure when you step on the break. I have to now drive it almost 100 miles two hours a way to pick my kids up at camp.

I called around last week and there was hardly anywhere that even took trucks or cars and the only one close to me said they were full. The closes one I could find to even take it was 40 miles away. Between that and wanting to make sure the kids got to camp I waited until Monday to pawn it. I am glad I did I went over to the shop around the corner from me and the lady said she didn’t think they had room she went and talk to some guy there he came over and talk to me. He wanted to know what I had and how much I wanted and everything. He said the same thing he didn’t think he had room for something that big. I said look I only need to leave it here until Thursday/Friday at the latest and if everything comes through like it is supposed to I will be back here Tuesday to get it. If you could just fit it in somewhere. I said I don’t care if you leave it sitting out front out of the fence, I don’t have but one key for it your going to have it. He looked at it and everything and said he would take it. So I borrowed $1100 on it to pay the rent and the bills that were going to needed paid if my money didn’t come before next Friday. The guy was really nice I told him what was going on why I needed it, he wanted to give me more I told him no I just need this much for this reason I don’t want to borrow more because I am coming to get it back and if i borrow more I will short myself in the long run. He lowered the interest rate so I wouldn’t have to pay back as much. I was going to have to pay back right at $300 but now I have to pay back little less than $200.

I feel a lot better but still worried about going to pick up the kids at camp Sunday. We took the van in October but it didn’t have as many problems. I guess we shall see.

{August 19, 2014}   One Long Day

Last night was the first night I had went to bed before 4 am. It was 1:30 am even then. When I do I don’t sleep good and am awake off and on all night. Last night I went to bed and was for the first time sleeping good. My son came in about an hour after I went to bed and woke me up and after that I didn’t sleep good and was up and down. I am so tired and just wore out. I just want to go to bed go to sleep and sleep with out having to worry about when the kids are going to get up or having to be somewhere or anything else. I just want to go to bed and know that I can go to sleep and sleep as long as I need to  so I don’t feel this way.

Half the time I have no clue what day it is or if I am coming or going. Now with father of the year changing jobs it worse. I am up later. I use to stay up late but I was still in bed most nights by 1 or 2 nothing to horrible. Then with job change and trying to get ready for the kids schooling it has gotten to be 4-6 before I am going to bed. Then I am up with kids by 8 most days. If I am lucky I get a couple hours sleep with out waking up for something or being woke up. most the time not so even the 2 to 4 hours I may get is broken up and not a good few hours of sleep. I am use to being up late and only getting 4 hours of sleep or so. But I am not use to not being able to sleep or it being so broken up once I get to go to bed. I feel like I just take a bunch of little naps through the week and that I don’t ever really sleep. I am to the point I feel like it is just one long day that never seems to end. Everything is starting to fall apart and that is stressing me out even more. I have no motivation to do anything about it. I’m just so tired I drag to get the things that have to be done around here done.

I need furniture and things moved around and different stuff done. Father of the year isn’t home in between calls any more through out the day and is out until late most nights so he has dropped the ball on the things he is supposed to be taking care of and left it for me to pick up and do like always. A lot of it is stuff that has to be done to be able to take care of other things around the house that has to be done so if I don’t do it then important things can’t be done.  I tell him and tell him I need stuff moved that I can’t left and move or the stuff he is supposed to do needs to be done so that we can do the things we need to do. I hear I’m tired now that he has moved job’s I hear how tired he is and how he don’t have time he is never here and when he is it’s so late. He don’t get weekends off any more. He works 6 days on 24/7 and gets 2 days off. He isn’t just in town here going to the little cities or what he is going all over the state and counties a way. When he gets back he is sent out of county again or farther a way than what he normely went so any free time he would have is spent driving to get to where he needs to be and then back. Where before he ran a few miles done the job and was free to come home or do whatever til the next job comes up. Now he is driving to drop on or driving to come back from a drop and there are calls waiting for him when he gets back.

Don’t get me wrong I love that he is gone most the time now for days at a time other than a hour here or there. But it aggravates me that he isn’t doing his part and keeping up with it. That it is all being dumped on me to take care of. When I was gone 50/60 hours a week I was still coming home cleaning and doing stuff around the house and staying up all night with a kid who didn’t sleep. All while he didn’t work and could sleep after the kids got to school or could be cleaning up during the day. I just want to move. I just want to find a place and get a way from him. Even if we do take care of it all he comes in and trashes shit and leaves it all he dose when he is here is bitch about why this is this way and that is that way and the kids not doing anything. When he has no clue the kids have really started stepping up and helping and doing more stuff around. But because when he comes in what he feels should be done or what he wants done I should say isn’t he gets all pissed off but he isn’t here doing anything. On his two days off the last two days he did nothing but make dinner and has left the kitchen trashed for someone else to take care of. No help doing anything else around the house. Make excuses why we don’t need to move it and why he don’t want it that way. I don’t see where he should have any say he isn’t here doing anything. Just like bitching and having a fit that this or that isn’t done how he things it should be or not at all. Where dose he have room to come in here and talk and bitch when he isn’t doing anything? We are doing it we should have things the way we want them and the way it works best for all of us if we are the one keeping up with everything and doing it. There are 5 of us who are here 24/7 now and have to do school here and everything. He isn’t her he shouldn’t worry about how anything is but his room and his stuff in it. The rest of the stuff is mine and the kids anyway not like it is his.

We are trying to see what the checks are going to be like since he gets paid every two weeks. He just got paid Friday but either all or part of that check for for when he was in the other job. By the next check we should know pretty much what he is going to make every two weeks and I now he has days off during the week so he can’t make excuses that he can’t get time off. We are going to finish this divorce. I seen a sign yesterday that said divorce for $99 I told him he needed to just go get a new pack of papers and pay them to fill it out and turn it in make sure it is all done right then we should be able to get a court date with no problems. He said ok so we will see. He said it would probably be more I told him not if he wasn’t going to fight it. He says that is what we will do. I hope he dose we should have no problem with the money and doing it then either. This new position we are one step closer to moving and being out of this mess once and for all thank god.

Some how I got behind on my blog Challenge. I think what happen was I sat down and posted one then started the next days because it was so late. When I was done it was the next day so I went ahead and posted it too. Then with not sleeping and everything running together I got confused what day it was and what day I really posted and thought I was covered for all but yesterdays. I sat down late last night to do it and noticed I needed two not one. I started trying to put it together and was passing out so I went to bed and figured it was already so late I would just figure it out today and get back on track. After I feed the kids and get some things picked up I will be back to figure out where I messed and how I am going to fix it.

et cetera
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