{November 6, 2018}   Almost a Day and a Half

It has been over 24 hours since I sent that message to Sleeping Beauty. He hasn’t even read it yet. BFF keeps saying maybe his phone died, maybe something happen to it, maybe he is sick and making excuses for him. I kind of yelled at her told her to stop making excuses for him none of them would work anyway. Because if his phone isn’t working it will just show a text was sent not that it was delivered and unread or read once he does. She says she knows she thinks he just needs time that he is still trying to figure things out and that he don’t even know what I said in the message he isn’t avoiding that. If he reads it then don’t reply then get mad.

My other bff J says he isn’t ready to give me what I need and although he is interested knows he has work to do on himself right now. That he may never be ready or able to be the right person for me.

They both say he don’t have things together as much as I do and that is what intemadaites him. He is trying to figure out how he would fit into our lives. Because I have a house, a vehicle, my kids with me, work and everything. He is kind of starting crom the ground up. It isn’t like I don’t know it. I know where he is, I know what he has and don’t have. I honestly do not see either one of us really as being better off than the other. If I had to say one was I would say it would be him in way. Because I have these things and can’t even keep the basics paid on time and always behind. One slip up that I can’t beg or borrow my way out of and I am homeless on the street sleeping in my truck. He don’t have all the bills but he has a roof over his head he has a decent place to stay he can afford and family to help and support him.

I don’t have that it is me and my kids and that is it. I don’t have family to help or support me. I can’t get them to help with kids so I can work or go to school or nothing.

Like I told them I am trying and doing the best I can do right now. He is doing what he needs to do for him right now and to get his life where it needs to be and he wants it to be. He isn’t just sat down and given up. He is happy for the most part with his life even being single he isn’t like others who feel they have to have someone to do for and get approvals from in order to be happy and live life. He has goals ideas and things. Although he may not be bringing material things to the table he still brings a lot to the table. I may bring material things to the table but I also bring a lot of other things with it. Like 4 kids to be taken care of, in everyway shape and form. They need that male roll model, that father figure, that male authority person. They need clothes, food, a home. Yeah I am struggling and providing it but when someone comes into my life if/when we end up living together down the road they are taking on my kids as well.

He may not have the material things but he is that person who will help fix things around the house, fix the truck, he will jump in there and be that person the kids need in their life. He will help them get up their Christmas things and take them shopping, he go fishing with them for class and he will tell them when they are doing wrong and what they need to do. He will love them and have their best interest in mind. We will supoort eachother and make goals and work towards them and make the things we want to happen happen. He brings that balance we are missing in our lives. We would give him the family he wants.

I think that for him it is really just to good to be true in his eyes. Just like when I got with RC it was just to good to be true. It wasn’t but we both let things get between us. I knew we were having problems but he let her get to him because we stop communicating.

Like I told them if he read it and said why the fuck would you think I want more with you other than friends? That be fine if he said don’t talk to me again I don’t know where you get this idea from? That be fine and I would be okay with that. Him not reading it and not giving a reply is what gets to me. I hate waiting. I don’t want to be hit with it out of no where in a few days or week when I am least expecting it and not ready or able to talk at the time.

Then there is my friend juggernaut he kind of just chew me up over it all yesterday. I need to find better guys and why am I messing with him and there are guys infront of me that would give me anything and everything and I am just to blind to see it. And these guys I talk to and how they are what they are. I know he is interested but he is not someone I would even consider. He don’t work, he has a wife, he just cheated on her with some girl she is pregnant he says, he was leaving to go be with her she got mad at him. He all the time going out drinking and been bad into the drugs and things. Just not what I am looking for. He is about 6 years younger than me as well. No way what I am looking for I see no kind of anything with him. Not a future or building with him or anything like that. He isn’t even someone i want to just date or anything like that. He okay as a friend that is it.

I just would like him to read what I sent and get some kind of reply, then I know something at least. Because right now he is the only one that I am interested in and can see a future or anything with.

{December 27, 2014}   Don’t Know What I Was Thinking

I joined a dating site. I was looking at something on line the other week and this ad for one popped up I clicked on it. Just to click around and look at all the crazy profiles. You know people watch on line. And see how many people I seen that I know.

It wouldn’t let me look without making a profile myself. I started not to but I did and went from there. I just put a vag location and have not put up a profile picture at all. I have had a ton of people look at my profile and a handful of people contact me. Mostly wanting to know if I have a picture.

I feel funny putting up a picture and really don’t want to talk to someone right now the situation that I am in. I put a little about myself and that I was married but getting a divorce and not been together for 4 years or more. I didn’t put that I am stuck living with him and all that. I don’t need all that out there. I don’t want to put a picture up because I don’t want others I know seeing it and all my business. I am a very open but very private person at the same time. I share with who I want to know stuff not just everyone. Well aside from here not just everyone.

I think the biggest thing is the situation I am in and the not feeling like I can really have a life right now. I feel stuck, trapped or whatever you want to call it. I’m depressed and just don’t care most the time. I don’t want to meet someone and even just have things as friends and screw it up because of the way things are here and how I feel because of being here. I want them to get to know the real me and not the depressed annoyed me. I don’t want to be in this funk any more or when I am getting to know someone.

I guess we will just see. I have been debating on putting a picture up but just don’t know. I would have sent one to a couple buy it don’t give me a option to send one in a private message. I have rewritten my profile I don’t know how many times I have no clue what to say in it. I don’t think its a good time I think I will just sit back and watch for a while and decide what to do when the right time comes.

et cetera
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