{August 30, 2018}   What Could Of Been

Tonight I was looking through a friends photos, at all the picture’s of him and his family. How happy he is and his family the love between him and his wife. Then I went and looked at a few others and thought about my “friend” and my good friend and things they have said and the guy’s I have been talking to lately along with the the guys I dated back then.

It got me to thinking about what could of been and where I could be today. Why I dated the guys I did and not others and what my good friend said about standard’s and raising them.

In high school I was interest in my good friend. But we were just friends and not even super close back then. I didn’t figure he be interested in me. I wasn’t anything like him or the girls he “dated”. We were friends with a lot of the same people and things. He never told me until much later when we started talking and became close that he was interested in me even after high school. But I was married he was too. I never really wondered about it until tonight and I was thinking about it all because even if we were both single now or ended up single that we would end up together now.

My one friend who’s pictures started this think fest tonight we were pretty good friends in school. We hung out and things once we were out of school, he lived close he come into my job. I met his mom and dad, they were really nice people his dad alway talk to me and things when he come by work. His mom was really sick so she did not get out as much. I ask how she was and things. They ended up with this other kid that went to school with us live with them. I knew him but not well, we didn’t talk much when we were in school. We got to talking we ended up dating for a very short time. Before long my friend and his dad came in one evening at work I not seen them in a little bit. They asked if I had a few minutes to talk. It was late and slow so I took a break and walked outside with them. They told me about the other guy what was up with him. By this point we weren’t talking anyway.

Then the dad went on to tell me a bunch of stuff he told them about me, things I said and done. I said wait a minute I never done any of that we weren’t even together that long. I never said anything about my friend or his family. I liked them they did me too. The son my friend I could tell was a little uncomfortable with the conversation and topic at hand. But was more okay as we talked some more. The dad said at first they were shocked and taken back, but then the more they watched, seen and heard from this guy they started to think a lot wasn’t true. They decided to come talk to me and wanted me to know what he was saying behind my back. They figured out it was all lies. They could tell I was mad. They put him out told him he needed to go somewhere else he could not be there anymore.

My friend we talked and things and it come around to us being more but it never really went anywhere. I just didn’t my family didn’t like him or his family always talk about them. But knew nothing about them or talked to them just what a friend of theirs who knew them said. I didn’t figure it last long he see my life and forget it, it be done. I was very controlled and things at that time. But had I given him a chance things may have ended up being a lot different for me back then and now. Thinking about it now someone like that is what I needed back then. Now I can say had I given him a chance I think the odds of us still being together would be pretty high. I knew him but not really well I thought he was a lot different than he really is. Why I figured he not want to stick around once he knew me and seen how things were back then. Like his wife now is way different than what i figured he end up with. They have been together for a really long time. I am sure things aren’t perfect no relationship is but they seem to be happy it don’t seem to be a show.

I look at trying to date now and you know what I have found out of 7 or 8 guys I have talk to in the last year really only two would I consider a relationship with. One is a no go because of the things he is looking for. The other I don’t know about. I am interested and have feelings for him but I don’t know what to think about where he is or what he is thinking anymore.

I’m not looking or thinking about better in terms of what they have or what. I am looking at better in terms of over all person and how they are and things better. I guess how they treat me what they are looking for relationship wise how they go about it if that makes since. But I don’t even know where to look. When guys do say something or flirt its wkward. I don’t feel like they really mean it or looking for it to go anywhere. Like my ex use to say I flirt with everyone, i had no clue why he say that because I wasn’t or wasn’t trying to. I was just being nice and talking having a conversation. He say you don’t even try you just do it you don’t even know you are. I had other people tell me the same thing. So then I feel like its just them i am reading to much into it they aren’t really flirting or don’t mean anything by it. It has been so long since I have really talk to anyone or dated I feel stupid don’t know what to say.

Dating sure isn’t like riding a bicycle thats for sure.

My friend says you just waiting on that perfect one to sweep you off your feet and have that fairytale. Really I’m not, I just want someone decent who is interested in a relationship and a future together. I’m not trying to make it work with everyone I talk to or go on one or two dates with. But I also don’t want to be just hooking up with everyone and see if or where it goes. Or to just jump into something with someone right off the bat not knowing that we are looking for the samethings or close or not knowing if they are just looking for here and now not planing or looking toward the future.

Just looking at ex’s pages and friends pages i wonder if only I made other decisions back then would I be happier now?

{June 10, 2018}   Need a Man

Last night while I was finally looking at the truck trying to check the headlights Starfish messaged asked what I was doing. I told him changing the bulbs and trying to see if we could aim them.

We finished and I headed home. It hadn’t taken us long so I messaged him on my way home. I was aggravated not having help with my truck, being alone, just wanting the closeness and support. I said I need a man! He sent back I need a women. I said I’ve just about given up. He asked why.

I said because all these guys just want to be “friends” or hang out see where it goes. None are into more. He said so are you ladies. I said no. He like yes.

I said okay so maybe some but these guys act like its all a game or something. Or they come in wanting to take care of everything, pay everything buy you things and your supposed to be impressed and fall all over them. I’m not into all that.

He never responded. We have talked a little bit since then but none of that came up after I said that.

I said it too because I wanted to see what he would say. I figured he get quiet like he did the other night when I said I was looking for more. But I’m sure he is thinking about it all too.


{November 18, 2016}   The Past isn’t Always The Past

I seen the therapist last week but since this coming week is Thanksgiving she couldn’t get me in. I am set to go back the week after Thanksgiving. So far I think I have been two or three times it was two weeks in between this week and the last time as well. I am not worried about the time between it’s fine.

My thing is that I feel like all we talk about is what has went on the last week or two since I seen her last and how I am feeling. I feel like we need to talk the past and what happen. I don’t know why I just feel like there is something there, I don’t know how to explain it. We went over the basics of what has went on the last 4 years or so but just the getting a divorce, fighting for it, RC leaving, going to school things like that.

I don’t know if it is what all went on as much as how fast it all happened. As far as how fast mine and Father of the years relationship started and then how fast mine and RC’s was. If I meet someone else is it going to be the same? I seem to go from one extreme to the other and not much in between. I really don’t want to meet someone and end up like before. I also don’t want to end up putting all my plans and wants on the back burner. I do that is why I am just now in school, I’m living where I am. If I hadn’t put my plans on the back burner then I would have moved a way from here long ago.

But I don’t know I feel like that isn’t really what she is in to. It really isn’t she is more into fixing what is wrong now. I’m not with anyone now so all that isn’t a problem right now. I don’t know maybe I am talking to the wrong person but who would I talk to I have no clue. I guess I will keep going back and see how things go.

et cetera
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