{May 1, 2017}   Mixed Emotions

I don’t know why I am having such mixed emotions. I feel like one minute I am pissed off in a rage, the next I don’t know what I feel numb maybe, then I am fighting to not just bust out crying. I think I am feeling sorry for myself and having a pity party, but that isn’t how it feels. I did not think I would still be bothered so much by this at this point. Most the time I just be mad for the day then move on. But I can’t seem to move on from this, I just don’t understand why. I think a lot is because everyone keeps talking about it, I’m worried about it because I have to figure out what to do for the summer now so I can go to work. How to get everything paid because he just wrote me a note to turn in to some places saying he was going to pay me every week now and things. That is cutting any help I get down about $200 now. I just don’t know what to do, I have to fix all that if I can. I have to go to all these places and get things taken care of.

I hate this feeling I am so mad at her about all this. I feel so betrayed and violated her knowing so much and now with him telling him everything. I feel like anything and everything in my head has been dumped in the street for everyone to see that I have nothing that is personal anymore. I feel like I don’t want to talk to anyone or tell anyone anything again. I feel so isolated and alone, and that I can’t trust anyone again. I can’t even explain it, it’s so confusing to me even. I feel angry at her at the same time I feel like i don’t even care about her anymore and it seems like how can I feel both or nothing at all. But I guess because I truly don’t care about her anymore, I could walk past her laying on the street an not think twice about her or offer to help. I still feel angry at her for what she did and being used.

My Big Boy keeps asking me mommy what’s wrong? Mommy why are you crying? I told him I wasn’t I was okay. He says but you look like your about to cry, I love you mommy. I know he does but I don’t feel loved by anyone, I don’t feel I matter to anyone, I don’t feel anyone cares. I just wish I could get over these feelings and go on with life. I want to go to the court house or child support and get this ball rolling but I had my test today and they are here now putting in my new door. Tomorrow I have two test and then therapy. I was thinking about not going back to therapy but I think maybe I should. Wednesday is half day at the school so I will not have time to get everything done I need to get done down there between the drive time there and back and the time I drop the kids off and pick them up. Thursday we have therapy and I have to be at the kids school all day. I guess I get to have another shitty Friday and deal with all this shit. I should know by then if he is going to show up and bring money this week or not. It don’t really matter if he does or not I am still going to go and have them take it right from his check and look at it to raise it to what he should have been paying all along. The only thing with that is it will cut everything else even lower but that is okay even if I just break even he will be doing his part and paying up. He won’t have all that extra money to blow on his whore.

I would love to take the kids drop them off and tell him it is his turn for a while and see how that goes over. He has no control over them and they will not listen to her after everything she has done. She will be losing her mind. See how long it is before she is leaving or he is bringing them back saying he can’t handle it.

I must get off here and finish my paper for school I just took my final in the class this morning I should have had it in last Monday and din’t. The teacher is cool and didn’t mind, I have just been so aggravated with everything, I almost don’t care about school anymore but I just keep telling myself it’s my way out just 12 more classes to go.

{October 24, 2016}   Happy Birthday Daddy

Today would be my dads 62nd birthday if he was still alive. It’s still hard to believe he is gone and that this is the 2nd birthday that has come since he passed. If he was still alive he would come over for dinner and cake, the kids would be so excited they would help cook and bake a cake. Once dinner was done and they had their cake they would drag out the big checker board and take turns playing checkers. That was always mine and my dads game and when he seen the one I had he always played with the kids when he was over. He would have my Little Bitty sitting right next to him or on his lap teaching her how to play already and letting her help him. They would be telling stories about their day and what they did at school and showing him their report cards they will be getting today. He give them a dollar for each of their A’s and B’s. They would be thrilled and tell him how they were going to put it with the rest of their money they have saved. My Big Boy would tell him all about the Tortoise he is saving for and my Little Guy would tell him how he is saving for guinea pigs.

He would stay the night and we would take the kids to school the next day and spend the day hanging out and doing whatever, probably shopping and going out to eat. My dad didn’t like to shop but if he found something he wanted for the kids he couldn’t wait to get it. He would probably want to do some kind of shopping for them even though they don’t need anything. Then to go out to eat because he liked eating out. Then we would pick the kids up and we would drop him off at home or I would drop him off before I picked the kids up depending on where we ended up going during the day.

It is still so hard to believe he is gone. It don’t really get better with time you just get number with time. I had a test and some other things I was going to do today then I seen what the date was and changed everything because I didn’t figure I would feel much like doing anything. I was probably right. I was sitting here doing stuff and started thinking about it about two hours ago and just started crying. Just thinking about how I miss seeing him all the time and his hugs and just spending time with him. Talking to him about things that are going on and having him around to help when I need it. I have branches on a tree out front blocking my driveway right now I need cut. If I can’t get it done myself I am going to have to call someone and pay them to do it. If my dad was here it be done in little bit. I have one of his saws out there he gave Father of The Year that I kept when he left. I knew he just pawn it and lose it, he talked about doing it before when he wanted money. It was my dad’s and he gave it to him to use for things we needed done not to pawn and get money. Besides Father of The Year knows nothing about a saw and would probably end up cutting something off trying to use it. He never been around them or used one.

I am going to try to get them down myself because I think I can stand on the ground and cut them all pretty easily. I won’t mess with them if I have to climb on something with the saw I don’t feel safe doing it, if it comes to that I will call my dads friend that he has known since I was a baby who use to work with my dad and has now open his own company. I know he won’t try to take advantage of me because I “don’t” know any better or something like that. I called him about some work I needed done before and he gave me a fair price. If he isn’t able to get to it then I will see if my yard guy is comfortable doing it, well maybe. I know he would but I don’t know if I am comfortable with him doing it because I have seen him with a saw and I would hate for him to get hurt out here. I probably wouldn’t want him to do it if he had to get up on a ladder or something either thinking about it. Oh well I am not worried about it I am sure I can get someone to do it for me and not try to rip me off. If I think they are god knows I have no problem telling them so and sending them on their way so no worries really.

I guess I am going to try and get some sleep and hope that I can.

{February 5, 2015}   Fighting The Urges

I have to say today has been a really trying day. I have had every thought that could go through your mind go through it. I just want to stop feeing so miserable and depressed. I have been fighting the urge to drink since around 11 am. I’m sitting here now thinking how good a drink and a cigarettes would be right now.

I can fight my demons and keep them under control most the time but lately it is hard because I just don’t want to feel any more. I just don’t want to care, or worry. It isn’t even so much that I don’t want to care of course I care. I just don’t want to feel any more. It would be so much easier to care without feeling. IMG_19953580902343It isn’t the caring that goes a way if I do drink or eat because I have wanted to do that too. But I feel so sick when I do. It’s the feelings that go a way or become  tolerable. But I know it isn’t going to do anything because everything is still here and I’ll be sober in a few hours and everything will come flooding back. But I am starting not to care even the temporary fix is better than none.

I think this is going to be very hard and I am going to go through a lot and shown a lot the next year or so. I had gone through life avoiding a lot of things that others I know have went through. But it seems that it comes back to haunt me and make sure I go through it as well just at a later time in life than everyone else. I feel this is going to be one of them moments. I really don’t know why life has been this way, like I said before I don’t know what I have done but I’m paying dearly and looks as if I will keep paying for sometime to come.

et cetera
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