{December 24, 2020}   40 In TWO Day’s

I can not believe I am going to be 40 in a few days. I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t really feel any kind of way about it. I just try to figure out where those 40 years went. Hell mostly where the last 20 went and the things I let go on for far to long. Now life is half over or more.

{October 8, 2019}   Almost 40

So the fact that I am going to be 40 in a little over a year punched me in the face the other day. I still can’t Figure out what the hell I have done so far the last 38. All I can think is this is it? This is really it? Wth? Life is over. Okay okay not over but this part or a big part of it. I look at so much that hasn’t been done and so much still to be done. I look at my kids and two almost grown, one half way and one just getting started. That makes things a little of as well. I been in this weird frame of mind since it really hit the other day.

Who would of thought one simple little picture could set off such a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. I was looking at someone’s picture I don’t even know on line and thinking how they looked older. Then I looked and they are around my age. It got me to thinking about how we feel vs. how we look and how we don’t see ourselves the way others see us at times. How it don’t feel as much time has went by that really has. One day you wake up and it hits you. By then is it to late to live the life you wanted or live the life we want? Is it to late to make the changes? Are we to old? I feel like to much time has passed for a lot of things I just need to figure out what life I’m going to live at this point and forget the past. But there are still things I want that maybe aren’t so to far fetched just yet maybe. Maybe they are maybe I need to change them some. Then there is a part of me that says I want it or just forget it change everything.

{April 1, 2019}   A Wasted Life

Do you ever just think about how old you are and look at your life and wonder how you are at this point? Or what you did with your life? I know that birthday’s are a big point in a lot of peoples lives and they really stop and think about this kind of things when different ones hit. Like wow I’m 21 I can do everything now, or I’m about to be 25 maybe I need to slow down and make some plans. The next thing you know your turning 30 or 36. This I think is the point that a lot of people start to really question life and what they are doing and have done.

I don’t know why but maybe because of when my birthday is and not really celebrating it at all hardly since I have gotten older I just never really put much thought into my birthday or really looked at the big picture I guess you could say. But for some reason lately I have really been thinking about being 38 and how close 40 is. Maybe it is the guys and the comments they have been making about being older or getting older and things that has me thinking about it. Talking to Mr. Responsible and Sleeping Beauty lately and them talking about getting old or being old. They are only 43 and 45. Then talking to my cousin the other night about meeting someone and having kids and all that. He said he wants another baby and things. We were talking about not wanting to have them to late in life. I said I as done but that he was still young and things. I think just a big mix of it all really has had it on my mind the last week or so and a lot the last few days.

Thinking about it all, I think I feel the way I do because of shutting down and being in that survivor mode for so long. You feel you just have to get through this or that and that you will have time when everything calms down to live life and do the things you want, meet that person, move, enjoy your kids, get that job or whatever it is that at the time seems like a little thing that can be put off because it isn’t as important as what you are doing or have to do right now. When in reality they are the big things that should be taken care of now and not put off until later.

Like my friend said do this and that and let the rest work it’s self out. You have to live life. I wasn’t I was just surviving because I felt that if I didn’t keep going and I tried to do anything other than get by everything was going to crash down on me. It was but I felt that I had a little control if I just kept pushing through and put everything on the back burner. Even if I did crash and burn miserably no one could say I didn’t try or give it my all. It was because of anything I didn’t do.

But now I think about meeting someone and all the time it takes to put into getting to know someone and then trying to have and build a relationship and I think by the time I find someone and get the to the getting to know and trying to build how old am I going to be? What if it don’t work out? Then I’m even older to start over again. I wonder is it even worth it? That I should of been doing this before now not sitting and trying to get my life straight and get me set first. But then if I didn’t where would I be and how many relationships down would I be, because i messed things up or what. I look at the guys that I have met and the ones that try to talk to me and things I wonder if I will ever meet someone and be happy. If I will ever get the things and have the things I want in life.

I wonder how do I teach my kids to live their lives and not worry about what others think of them, how to live life and not just get though their day or worry about surviving rather than living? I don’t want my kids waking up on the cusp of 40 and feel that they have wasted their lives.

I know that 40 isn’t that old, 45 isn’t either but it just seems like the reality of a new chapter and phase of life is starting. your not having kids and all that anymore. Your kids are about grown or well on the way and your starting to send kids to college and prepare for them to start families and all that. Your on your way to having that empty nest and being on your own. Why unlike Bff who would like more kids and others who want more. That isn’t what I am  looking for and I am happy my kids are getting older and independent. I don’t want to start over. But I guess it’s the being alone and not having that other half there to share things with and grow “old” with and the magnitude of the effects of putting life on hold all that time is really setting in.

I also been thinking about the friends I had before and all that I use to do with and for the kids and with friends and things and the fact that I isolated myself so much back when everything happen with me and ex and how I don’t have those relationships anymore and I want those kinds of relationships again.

{September 20, 2018}   Ramblings

Here we are another day unable to do anything I need to do, from look for a job to paying bills to trying to get my house straight and halfway how back to living not existing. I am right now sitting in the truck sweating to death waiting on her to get out of the lawyers office. Because now after her hearing she has decided to hold the case up even longer because she don’t think she is going to win. I don’t care what she does I just want her out of my house where ever how ever she has to do it and go. I don’t care. Again the last two days I have heard nothing but how I need to do this I need do that and all up in my business that has nothing to do with her. Then talking about figuring money and bills and different things and sit there tell me I know you don’t know how to figure it smart enough to do all that and how it all works. But I have studied this that and the other and on and on. I know what she is talking about there is nothing to know it is basic math add, subtract. Tell me how I can’t just live off someone else all the time she never did that. First off I am not living off no one or anywhere. Im not stupid I know how to do my bills. Then tell me you get this, this and this there is no reason you can’t make it without this or that and shouldn’t need this. I have 800 a month coming in I can pay allmost half that to rent another half just about to bills and then still have money to buy food, gas and pay bills up so that they are not behind. How does she thing this is really going to work?

I need to make at least $3500 to $4000 for a few months just to get caught up and fix what is left on my truck that needs done, get things straight at home and the house back together. We really need everything from towels and sheets to furniture and dishes. Once I get things cought up, fixed, straight with the house oh and the kids money back to them then I need to really make $2500 to $3000 a month to keep everything caught up and maintained and get no help from no where. No help from ssi for my son no help from the state for anything and the child support could be spent on just things for the kids. I could have a little bit in savings. Not a huge amount but even $1000 to fall back on once in a while if needed. But there is nothing around here going to pay that or even close to that without working 2 or 3 jobs. Even if I had three degrees and all the training in the world there are just not jobs paying that here. Or work here. I know people that were working at good jobs making good money who are working next to me doing these piddly jobs because they can’t find anything. Or they have decent jobs and should be making the money but they money isn’t there they are working this as their second job. No jobs pay here no jobs give hours here. Other than the labor jobs and things these guys go out and get and here they won’t hire women at a lot of these places. I feel my age plays into it a lot too. When I was younger any job I interviewed for I got. Now I can’t beg and get one. I am meeting more and more people my age and a little older saying the same thing. Because they hire someone younger they can pay less. Or like a few younger who “have the look” because “the look” sells and gets people in. So if your not 20 and a size 2 with your ass and tits half covered and 10 lbs of make up caked on you aren’t of value to them. It pisses me off. I was told by my manager now that the other girl is young has the looks she would keep her job if it came down to one of us losing our job. I apply for other places it is send a resume send a picture. Or go in they are looking at you go have a conversation come out say its been filled we have take the add down. I go in dressed nice hair done slacks heels nice blouse. Everywhere else I go around town before and after i get looks and talk to and comments. But because I’m not billboard knockout 20 something I don’t have a chance in hell.

{September 10, 2018}   I Figured It Out

I feel kind of stupid it took me this long, but I really never messed with it before. When I tried and it wouldn’t work I just skipped it and went on. But something today made me stop and mess with it and with in minutes or less I had it. I can now link my old post into my new post or some others that I like. I am so happy because a lot of times I want to link to things and can’t.

Yesterday I was looking at my time line at things from the past. Something popped up from 3 or 4 years ago.

My oldest son was trying to tell me how this person he seen was a lot older than they looked. He thought they were a kid but they weren’t. He said they were born back in like 1989 or 1998, you know back before they had electricity.

All I could do was laugh when reading that.

Today I pull up to drop the older 3 off and Mr. 7 hallers from the 3rd seat in the back up to me in the front. He says hey mom how old are you? I said 37 hun. He says wow your kind of old then aren’t you? Yes kid I am kind of old thanks.

I told my friend at least he didn’t tell me I’m fat today. Size will come up and he will say its okay your fat i still love you just the way you are..

He isn’t trying to be mean or rude or degrading or anything like that. He says just what he see’s and he see’s nothing wrong with being bigger or older it just is what it is to him. He is the sweetest kindest most soft harded little boy ever.

{August 16, 2016}   Seem’s to be Getting Worse

A while back I told you all I thought something was wrong in my post Don’t Know What is Wrong With Me. I still have not been to the doctor yet, the kids are all just getting back in school tomorrow and on a normal time frame instead of short days. I am really thinking that I need to call in the morning and get in to be seen as soon as I can. I know that the way things are is not right, I know that this in not normal for me and I know it is a lot worse than people think. I know they think it isn’t as bad as I am saying or laugh oh your getting old, forgetful or something like that. It isn’t that I am just forgetting things.

Like I said before I can sit here and read my class stuff two or three times before I know what I read. If I write something or type something I go back and read it to make sure it is right and half the time I have left out words all through it. I had to send an email to one my professors toward the end of my class about work I missed. There was no reason I should have missed it, the night it was due I went to do my work and turn it in. I knew I had not done it, but when I got to the class and looked it up all my work showed done. I was like no I didn’t do the work this week. I looked and looked at the date checked to see if there was something I needed to go back and fix or what, nothing. I said well that’s good I forgot I turned it in already I can have a break tonight watch the movie with the kids.

Later I am looking at grades when they are posted and it shows 0’s for two or three things I didn’t turn in that week. I looked and I had not done them, hadn’t even clicked in and looked at them. I had the wrongs weeks worked pulled up and even with looking at the dates didn’t see that I was on the wrong date. I should have known as soon as I looked at it that it was the wrong week. I went to email her and ask if I could still do them and turn them in even if she took credit off. I put the subject in and then typed my message and sent. Later I looked at it and had to read it for something. I was so shocked and embarrassed, it wasn’t even readable what I was trying to say or ask just about. I am truly not sure how she knew what I was saying or trying to ask her. I have never sent an email like that and not to a teacher for one of my classes.

The other night when cleaning I was looking on line to see when they were going to have the local kids sale. I thought I might take some stuff and try to sell it there if my yard sale didn’t work out. I looked and looked on line and found it and seen that it said it was that week and I missed it. It was the one that was farther away from me and I wanted information about the one that is closer to me as well. I decided to ask on my page on facebook. I ask if anyone knew when the Fall sale over close to me would be or if they had it already. I then said how I looked up and only see information for the one that was farther away from me and that I had missed it since they had it this week. I tagged a lady I know that works at them a lot of times and helps out. I even said to the kids and Father of the Year that I was upset I missed it because I wanted to list some things and I probably could have found some clothes for the kids. In a little bit the lady I tagged, tagged me in a post for the sale. The same one I had read 3 or 4 times and was upset over missing. I started to say to her it had already passed. Then I read it again and figured out that it had not pasted it is almost a month away. I read it wrong and was reading it as being this month. I read it over and over to start with because I was trying to figure out how I hadn’t heard anything about it and missed it.

I know on him sometimes things are missed spelled, left our or not perfect but this is way different and worse than that. Most times when I am on here it is the middle of the night and I am trying to get things off my mind so I can sleep. Then I start to fall a sleep in the middle of some of them and wake up and try to pick up where I left off. But it is different than that kind of thing.

Just like not liking my planer for school because it is different I can’t even tell you what is different but I just remember it being different. I am all the time trying to say one work and another comes out, tonight I was stuttering when me and my oldest went to the store. I have never stuttered in my life. I could not get what I wanted to say out I kept stuttering and trying to find the words I wanted to use.

Now I am scarred I don’t know why it happen or it happen just now when it did, because the thought has never crossed my mind before. But I was just sitting here thinking about it and thinking I really want to go to the doctor about it and things. All of a sudden this chill came over me and the thought it sounds like brain cancer went through my mind. Never ever once since this started happening did I think it was something like that. I just thought it was from the accident. I don’t know why I want to go to the doctor but I just have this overwhelming feeling that I need to go to the doctor about it right away lately. Even though I really don’t think it is anything that anything can be done about, I have just felt I needed to go and talk to them about it find out what was damaged or what when we were in the accident and if that would be why I am this way. I never thought I would find out it could be something worse. Now I want to go but I don’t want to go. I don’t know what to do or think. It brings up a lot of thoughts and questions and decisions and thoughts of how it would affect me and the kids and everything. The question of do I really want to know now or do I just want o forget about it and keep moving forward.

I feel kind of sick or ill. The thought about my post Moody and Shifting just popped in my head and that maybe that is why I feel such a big change is happening or going to happen. Because if they said I had something like that it would change a lot of things and a lot of people would be affected and it would be really bad for my kids.

Why did I have to have that thought and think of my post along with all the rest of my thoughts? I wasn’t even going to write this post and couldn’t decided if I had or hadn’t all ready. Then I found my other and still felt I needed to write something and wrote this one. I was going to write it when I sat down the write the first one I posted and wrote something else. Then I decided to do it the second time and didn’t. I was going to bed after the second one and just couldn’t I had to write more and now this is what I get from it all. I just don’t know what to think.


et cetera
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