{July 4, 2020}   So Far Gone

I have been dealing with a lot and blind sided by a lot the last month. Dealing with my depression on top of it I haven’t wanted to do anything but stay in my bed. I pretty much have. Other than going to work by to see J.W and that is about it. I have to force myself up and then physically hurt and feel sick all day and like I can’t keep my eyes open. By the time I go to bed at night I lay there toss, turn and dream all night and hardly sleep. I have tried going to bed earlier, later and even hooking the tv up. Nothing helps.

As bad as I have wanted to get on here and write I haven’t even been able to force myself. To do that. It’s just something else on my list of stuff to do. Yesterday I was so exhausted and overwhelm with everything, I just started crying on my drive home after work. I got to J.W’s job he was out front. He came over to talk for a minute. He open the door and was like what is wrong? All worried. Then we talked once he got off and we got to his house. I felt some better after we talked. Not better like everything is fine now or going to be alright. But just a release I guess of everything I have been dealing with and not dealing with that has been adding up. I did finally sleep last night. I woke up and was woken up a few times and dreamed some. But for the most part i slept and slept hard.

I didn’t get to see him or talk to him this morning. I had an 8 a.m at the clinic. It is closer to work than home and him. I could of stop on my way but it would of only been for seconds and that is it.  Not worth waking him up to come to the door and say hi and bye. Because that is all it would of been. That was a waste of time going to the clinic because I was the 2nd person there and signed in. They said computers were down but that was it. I figured they could give me my 9 months of pills anyway since they are filled and laying there. They do a test no computer needed just a cup pee and a stick. Then hand you the bag of pills. Well they start calling people to do their test. They took the one girl who was in front of me and then 3 who came after me. Then a lady comes out and says did they tell you the computers are down? I said so can they do anything or are we just waiting for them to come back up? She said no they couldn’t do anything they had to wait because all records are kept on the computer and not being able to see everything from before they can’t do anything. I waited until around 830 and left. I had to be at work in an hour I could of waited 30 more minutes or so. But even if I had they had not done anything for me and those other 4 were in front of me. So I would of been there well past time for me to be at work. I got to work about 45 minutes early and clocked in. That was that.

I called later to set up a new time told them I had left earlier and why. She said oh we got computers back about 9:15. So 15 minutes before I had to be at work. I am glad I hadn’t waited and left when I did. I am going late next Tuesday to work because I have to be at the place to get my eyes checked at 11:15. It is on the other end of the county from work and closer to home. It would make no since to go to just have to leave.

It has taken me 2 or 3 days just to write this. Friday was another shit show dealing with my “boss” i was so mad I left without even getting my purse. All I have done for days is cry or fight crying. I feel so alone and i dont even know what. Jw don’t get it. I don’t know how to explain it to him. I say I want to go to bed not get up he says go i need to rest. I say im dreading having to get up and function he laughs. I just want to lay down go to sleep and not wake up. I feel so far gone. I don’t even know if or how I can or will come through it or come out. I don’t really want to. I just want to be done. He says sorry. I just want to yell at him shut up you don’t fucking get it. But i know it isn’t his fault he is only trying to help.

I am so bad I don’t even want to go around him or talk to him. I have thought about telling him maybe we need to take a break. Or just forget it. At the same time i just want him to hold me and make me feel better.

I am so over this bitch in my house still have not gotten rid of here. Wish something would just happen or she would leave.  She brainwash the kids they are going to get sick die if they walk out of the house. I Don’t care im going to bring it home give it to them. Everything else. They are scared to get close to me. I don’t know how to get rid of her. I’ve tried everything. This virus bullshit don’t help.



{August 9, 2018}   Birthday Debate

I talk to Sleeping Beauty a little tonight while I was delivering pizzas. I had to deliver one a few doors away from where he was staying before he came here. I said I am in your old hood. He said really? I said yep at 6. He said thats right by x. I said yeah I know. I got busy didn’t say anything else. He was on his way home figured he was going to get cleaned up and eat relaxe.

I got off I messaged and ask what exciting plans he had for his birthday? He said nothing yet, but he was beat he had to get some sleep. I said okay told him goodnight. He was probably already laying down it was about 10. I know he goes between 9/10 when he is there. Sometimes he is up later but he been working a lot to and out in the heat.

I am thinking about asking him if he wants to go do something for his birthday. It is my one day I will be off if I keep doing pizzas. I just say I got called in to the other job. They know I do and that I don’t get off until late. It would not be that late anyways because he has to work the next day.

I don’t know what to suggest, niether of us drink really and there isn’t a lot of things around here to do. Ask him if he wants to go to the beach like he said the other night. He probably say get the hell out of here with the beach lol. Where we went all time before.

I just figured it be nice to offer to do something if no one has. I know he has mixed feelings about it and with all that is going on off and on.

I think I will ask him tomorrow see what he says. I’m tell him stay out of trouble this weekend too being his bday weekend. Not to go do anyrhing stupid or getting all depressed. His mom and them may have plans too he don’t know about. Guess we will findout.

Maybe it will give us a chance to talk and things too.

{November 20, 2017}   A Nice Time Out

Yesterday I text Sleeping Beauty from the shop and ask what he was up to, how the day was going? I didn’t hear back for a while then he text at said things were going shitty. He had been working and just got home. I asked him if he would like to come over he said yeah he was getting in the shower. He let me know when he got out was ready. I told him I was thinking about taking the kids to dinner, he said okay. I think he thought I wasn’t going to come, I told him he could come if he wanted too. I think he thought I wasn’t going to pick him up since we were going. I talked to the kids about going out and they all wanted something different, I tried to get them all to pick one place they all wanted to go our could agree on but they all still wanted something different and couldn’t decide on one place. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with them fighting or the ones that didn’t get to go where they wanted to pouting. I finally told them they could all have whatever they wanted but I was picking it up bringing it back here and they could eat it here. They were all happy with that idea. I went picked him up he came back here for a little bit why I did somethings. Then jumped in the shower, they were starting to get hungry so I left and went to get what they wanted. One wanted Stake and Shake, one wanted MC Donald’s and the other two agreed to chines. He was like wait what are you doing? Where are you going? I said her for this one over there for that one and then here on the way home for the older two. He said everyone gets something different? I said not normally but sometimes as a treat I will let them. I said it has been a while since we have been out everyone wants something different and this point they are agree it is fine to pick it all up and eat at home so I am good with it. He laughed and ask what I was eating? I said I don’t know I am getting them settled and then decide.

Little Bitty went with us when we left she has this thing about me leaving and thinking I am not coming back now. She been this way since before we had the talk about not having a daddy at home and things. I keep telling her I promise I will come home I will not leave her. We were in line getting the last of the food and she said something, I told her I was talking her and all the food home and going to go out. She got upset I told her I had to go get me something to eat that trying to hurry and get their food because she was so hungry I hadn’t gotten anything yet. He told her that she couldn’t go this time but next time she could go. She told him two he said what we have two hours? I think we could be home in two hours should be time to eat. I said she just says two it could be two hours, two day or two weeks she has no idea yet she just says stuff. He laughed. We got home she was saying something, he told her again to go in be good that she could go next time anywhere that she wanted they all could go. He said want to go to chuckie cheese we can all go there next time. I am shaking my head no because once you tell her something she will ask from now on every time she thinks of it not just him when he she see’s him but me all the time as well. He said what you don’t like there? I said it is fine she don’t know what it is she hasn’t been. He said oh we will fix that. I got them settled with their food and we left.

We went out sat down and had something to eat and talked some. It seemed like it took forever getting something to eat. They waiter despaired and didn’t come back I finally after 30 or 40 minutes maybe more of not seeing him and not having a check I had to ask for one and they still couldn’t find him and someone else finally had to get it. I didn’t talk much mostly just listen to him. And his roommate was blowing up his phone mad about money and things because part of the problem is he is waiting to be paid for a job he help the roommate do months ago and he will not pay him so he just didn’t pay the money he owed for rent this week and told him to take it out of that. He hit the roof and was mad and kept blowing up his phone wanting to know where he was and who he was with everything. I said oh well I don’t care if he knows I have nothing to hide and it is none of anyone’s business. If they say something to me about us being out or whatever I have no problem telling them it is none of their business if and what I feel is theirs I will let them know but not to hold their breath waiting because I do not see anything ever being anything they need to know.

I drove up to the dock where I use to go sit by the water and when we got there it is all fenced off and we couldn’t get to it. I guess from the storm it got damaged and they have to fix it. It went way out in the water and had a bunch of little docks or what off to the sides that you could go out on and sit or fish so everyone wasn’t lined up in the way. We walked around there by the water for a little bit and talked and joked around and then drove around for a while. I finally dropped him off about 10:50. I got a few miles up the road and go pulled over for swerving. The truck is messed up and pulls to that side then I looked down to see something on my phone. I thought it was a cop behind me and was trying to tell and couldn’t then thought it wasn’t but then about the time I decided it wasn’t I was wrong it was. I text him said I got pulled over. He was like really where oh no let me know what happens.

I figured they were going to make me to test and all that to see if I was drunk, the guy walked up I was getting my license out he ask me if I knew why he pulled me over I told him yes. He ask me why I told him I looked down at my phone I was trying to check on my kids see what they needed. He said something else and ask me about my address where I lived he had me off the other direction. I told him he ask me where I was coming from? I told him I dropped him off at his house and was on my way home. He then ask me what was wrong I told him nothing. He wanted to know how much I had, had to drink? I said I haven’t had anything to drink at all. He took my stuff went back to his car and in no time he was back with a paper. I just knew he was going to tell me he was giving me a ticket or had to test me. He said here is a warning now watch the road not your phone and get on your way.

I was going to go to the store but after that I just went home. I was tired too and having a hard time seeing, I didn’t want to get pulled again. It was nice to just get out and relax have someone to talk to go somewhere with other than just shopping or with my friend and her kids or all the kids.

When we were riding around I asked him what he was doing next weekend? He said he was going to go to one of the stores to get a pair of boots but he didn’t know if he was now because of different things. He ask why? I told him the kids wanted to put up their Christmas stuff and that I need that wood put together because I could probably do it but, it wouldn’t be good it was one of them things that I just rather not do because it turn into a mess. He laughed he said yeah he could come help with that and I said I need to get the lights on the roof too. He said that was fine. He said let him know when I got home so I did and we were texting. I said I was disappointing that the dock was closed I liked going out there and sitting it was so relaxing. He said that was okay we could find one to sit on this weekend. He said I have to hang Christmas lights you know. I said yes and don’t forget build a manger too. He laughed said yes he would do that too.

The kids said something about him, I said he works at the shop with me he is just a friend, he is going through somethings and having problems with his roommate so he just wanted to get out of the house and talk for a bit. I said he just like My other friend and some others they know. They said oh okay. I said he isn’t busy he said he would help with the Christmas stuff too. They weren’t sure what to think about that. I think they wanted to be excited but then had the thought that there dad wasn’t going to be here to do it with them or bother to come do it with them. NOt that I want him to or probably would let him at this point because I don’t want him around. I said if things don’t change he is supposed to come this weekend but he may have to work of if something comes up he may not be able to. Because what he says now and what he does I never know. But I figure he probably do it. He loves kids and doing things with them and for them so unless something really happens he probably will.

{January 17, 2016}   Already Started

Father of the year has decided to start already, he hasn’t said anything about it all day and talked to me a few different time and could have called at anytime but hasn’t. He just calls and wants to know what I’m doing and then says your going to work tomorrow? Like he is shocked or something. I said yeah I have to I can’t keep not going. He says well I got to go I can’t lose this job I won’t be able to pay rent or any of my bills and things. I said oh so I’m supposed to lose mine and not be able to pay any of mine? Your not going to help me you haven’t given me a dime to pay anything here since you left. But I’m supposed to worry about if you have a place or can pay your bills and no one worries about me or mine. Thats what you want I lose mine then me and the kids have to come there and we can all then go get a big house together like you all want. Not going to happen. My mom again last night telling me just go take your rent money and get your teeth pulled and tell them your going to be late. Knowing good and well they are not going to sign me a new lease if I am late. If they tell you to move you can just come over there and we can get a house it’s the only way your ever going to have anything blah blah. I’m not doing it she just can’t pay it if he can’t and she don’t want to have to come here. Well sorry about her luck but I am not going over there.

She has her house tore about for weeks now because of some bullshit about being in this apartment where some guy died and they didn’t find him for days. She has thrown the carpet away out of her living room shoes and who knows what else because they touched it after they were in there. She has father of the year over there now rented a machian to clean the carpets that she can’t throw away and to wash all the seats in her truck and detail it because they rode in it after being in there. I went and picked up my spare key and she is telling me wash your hands really good wash them three or four times he has been cleaning this stuff and touched that money we had that night and now touching your keys. She is so ocd and obsessed over this kind of thing. She is so obsessed about germs no one can live with her. She had my grandma all upset over there tonight he said because she is going on and on about this and getting rid of everything and cleaning everything over and over. Now because the kids are sick they haven’t had antibiotics for days she won’t watch them tomorrow and I have no one else. If I had anyone else I would have already gotten them to watch them but I just don’t.

Father of the year knew all the kids had meds but the one and that he needed to go somewhere and get some. I could not take him or do anything he knew that too. He spent the weekend screwing around with the computer and running around for them and doing stuff. Not my fault he didn’t take him to get something. I forgot he wasn’t complaining about not feeling good but I wasn’t around him much either because I have been so sick I have been in my bed all day every day but an hour or two a day most days. Today is the first day I have felt good enough to be up and do anything and not had to take something for the pain that knocks me out cold for hours. But I am like the doctor I don’t know that meds are going to get rid of this as mine don’t seem to be getting better all that much with all the strong meds I am on. He has known my goal all this time was to get over this as fast as I could and get back to work. I wanted to work Friday and Saturday but was just so sick I couldn’t. Then today I had to take care of the kids for him to run around and do for them and he wasn’t here to be with the kids so I could go. I really wasn’t feeling good enough to go this morning anyway. I started feeling better this after noon. It was after 4 before I even started to think about going out or going anywhere.

I don’t know why he applied at this company any way because he never would before in all the years he has wanted a new job or needed a new job and as bad as he wanted to get back into doing this. He has always said they hire people work them a few weeks maybe a month or two and fire them or lay them off. So then I stay home another day most likely lose my job and them him only have one for a week or two maybe few months and I have no way to pay my bills or rent. He will not help me and isn’t going to have the money to help me like he says all the time.

I borrowed money from him to pay the light bill last week because I ran out of money because I had to pay back money I had to borrow because he didn’t give me money he was supposed to give me last month. Then he was saying something about paying him back. I figured he got a check from his last job will be getting a check from unemployment and this other job all with in the next few weeks since he will get paid weekly from this new job and unemployment owes him a couple weeks from him not working before he found this one. I figured the least he could do was pay it and not worry about it. Nope he ask me today when are you giving me that money back for the light bill? I said I will get it but I need the money for your part of the car insurance so it can be paid it is going to be late in a day or two if we don’t pay it. He starts he don’t have money he had to pay this that and the other and needed money for all this stuff. I said then I guess I will take that and pay it. He got all mad. I said why should I pay your part and mine your going to have all these checks in the next few weeks and you have over $300 right now? I missed three and half days of work and going to be short and your truck is on the insurance and you have been here with the kids all day every day since you stopped working adding more to my bill that normally wouldn’t be on there because they would be over there. You don’t pay anything else and you could at lest do that. He just started mumbling and going on like he dose. I just said well I have to pay car insurance and I can’t pay it all so I guess if you don’t have it to give me I have to pay it out of that because I don’t have it either and went on.

I can just hear them all over there now going on and on about how horrible I am I’m going to go to work and make him miss this job, and didn’t take the kids to the doctor. HE keeps saying well I have to go back to work I can’t just not work. But all that is about is he don’t want to watch the kids he can’t handle it. Before he didn’t care he didn’t work for two years. He dose nothing when he has them at all the house is trashed and everything else when I get home it don’t matter how late I work if it is 8 at night they haven’t had dinner he has no idea what to even give them. Plus he thinks like I said I will lose mine and then I will have to let him come back or go over there with all of them because they will all need somewhere to go and my mom won’t want to come here so I will go over there and then we can all go get this house. It is not going to happen. I don’t know what his plan is now he said he had to go make some calls. I said who are you going to call? Then he started I don’t know I don’t have anyone to call I don’t know what to do I can’t lose my job, I have to call you back. He is sitting there stuck in their ass listening to them. He has no one to call but his mommy and his mommy isn’t watching my kids or coming to my house to watch my kids. My house is a mess because I have been sick and he let them trash it and hasn’t done anything, and his mommy didn’t do a very good job of watching them the one time I let her watch my older two when they were little and left someone else to do it why she went to work why they told me she was off and would be the one doing. Plus she lives almost 40 miles away and I am not driving down there to her and I am sure she isn’t going to drive up here to him to do it and he has no where to have her do it. I don’t trust her to watch my kids and keep them from getting out and wondering off if she came here to watch them. She dose not watch them very well at all when we are there and she takes them outside even I had to go with them she let them wonder off. He knows this and has said the same thing but would turn around and ask her anyway.

I don’t think I am wrong at all when I am the only one working and providing for me and the kids and keeping a roof over our heads. I figure I will not get the job I wanted or the promotion if I go tomorrow but I figure I should still have my job. I don’t even know that for sure and 100% but figure if I at least show up tomorrow and don’t take anymore time off I will probably have a job still. I tried to call and talk to my boss a couple days but she hasn’t called me back so who knows what is going on. They were supposed to let us know by this Wednesday or Thursday what we got moved to and if we had a job if they didn’t let them know last week. I can’t even find out if they have done that yet or not. I know my boss said before I had an offer to stay on but that was before I missed all these days and I have missed all these days since our manager had this meeting and stressed to everyone being there the days your supposed to be there and being on time were a huge factor in if you kept your job and got the jobs you wanted when they came up. If they haven’t picked and haven’t gotten rid of people already and they see I missed all this time right after we just had this talk I will probably be one of the ten percent who go. I don’t even know if I am on the same job when I go in tomorrow or if I am supposed to be training on another one. I don’t know if they did shift bids and if they did what I got or if we have new jobs now if I got the hours and days I put on my paper I would like to have or what is going on at all. I am walking blind pretty much. I could be on the same job with same days and hours or I could be one of the one that no longer has a job. But I think I need to go in and find out what is going on and if I still have one. I know a few people they got rid of because they missed two or three days in a row and if they had just come back a day earlier than they did they would still have a job but because they missed another day or so they let them go. It isn’t a great job but it is a easy job and it is set hours, days, pay, it isn’t nights, weekends or major holidays and for the most part this new manager seems to be trying to be fair and weed everyone out and have a decent place to work. And it is not only over $8 an hour it is also full time unlike most ever other job I find to apply for. Plus if I make it and get a new job with them after 30 days I can have medical, vacation pay, sick pay and holiday pay.

et cetera
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