{October 23, 2019}   Sleepwalking

I feel like that is how I have been getting through life just sleepwalking through it. I have felt so sleep deprived lately I almost can’t function. I have had a hard time driving home more times than I will admit to the last month. I have just hit that burnt out point in the year. Where I have worked to the point I am over worked and need vacation somewhere cut off from the world and all human interaction. Okay I know I am dreaming but I need a break of some kind. We haven’t done our girls night out in a really long time either so I am just working, sleeping repeat, time with kids on the weekend and jump back into the week. Not having that break and things getting busier at both jobs and the time getting ready to change always throws everything off. I am trying to acclimate I think.

I think the time change has a lot to do with it. I don’t know why but it always throws me off I think it’s worse this year with the hours I am working. The fact that my dads birthday is tomorrow don’t help either. The guy at work said something about it would of been his dads birthday it hit me that my dads was coming up this month. It was one of them things you know but not thinking about or keeping track of. Now it has been there nagging me for the last few weeks. I am going to get one of them chines lantern things and do. I am debating on doing tomorrow on break at my night job or waiting until the weekend and doing it with the kids somewhere. I don’t know how they would feel about it or be interested in doing it.

A lot has been going on I have wanted to write but just can’t concentrate when I sit down and try. It has been busy at my day job even when it isn’t the guys have been around and in the office a lot lately too. My night job things are so strictly watched and looked at I don’t want them seeing all my stuff. I hardly use the computer for anything other than work or to watch things when there is nothing to do. My phone has no service I have to hook it to the wifi to get on line and that is blocked so things can’t be done.

This morning thought I am in a good place. I am starting to feel like all the struggle and work I have been through the last 4 years is paying off and I have made that turn. I just want to write today and catch everyone up on what has happened and all that is going on. But I have to work some. So I am going to get off here for now and make my calls. Then I will have a while to jump back on and catch you all up on everything or most everything at least.

{February 8, 2019}   Supposed To Be Working

I am sitting here at work supposed to be working and really need to be but I’m not. Instead I am on here and finding anything and everything else that I can to do because I don’t want to be here or to do anything really. Well I do want to do a few things. I want to drink, I want to drink really bad. I just want to start and not stop until whatever happens just happens. I also want to curl up and go to sleep. I want to be held, I want someone to care, to care about me for a change. I want to feel like I matter and not just a convince for everyone.

I am a wreck today. I didn’t get hardly any sleep last night. I worked 13+ hours yesterday. I did my day job then my night job and when I finally got out of there almost a half hour later than we are supposed to I had a repo to do. Mr. Auto and the police department made that take longer and more hassle then it had to be. I called to let them know I picked it up and they couldn’t even find the address that we were at in their records. how is the police department not going to know or be able to pull up an address? What if I needed help or them to send someone and I wasn’t able to talk to them anymore than to give them the address?

The women on the phone had no idea what she was doing. She said I am going to put it in for an officer to come meet you if they need they can call you. They at this point 10 minutes or more into the phone call had no idea what I was even calling for. Someone could be bleeding to death, I could be trapped in a trunk or anything. She wasn’t even going to ask just send someone to where I was at put it in to and hang up.

I finally said look I do not need you to send anyone out or want you to. I am calling to tell you I am getting ready to take this car it is a repo. I am sitting here by it. She started saying something. I said look I am getting in it now I just need you to document it and make the report. I am driving it away right now so don’t send anyone you don’t have to they never do. I will not be here, I am about to hit 95 south. She said okay that is fine what do you need from me then. I said just document it so that if it gets called as stolen or I get pulled over. I need the report number your name and call time. She said okay. She never did get all the information that she needed from me. She ask for the tag and if these were the people that was it and gave me the numbers that I needed. She never took the vin or anything else like that. Not my problem I had all mine and did everything legal. I had all my paperwork if they had stopped me. I just wanted her to put it in because the tag was dead I didn’t want to get pulled over on the road out there. If they run the tag and see it was just repo they know your taking it back to the lot your not just out running around or the one responsible for that part of things and it is a repo so not a lot more needs said if the people were doing what they were supposed to we wouldn’t have it.

It should of never taken as long as it did to do. Between her and Mr. Auto telling me to do it all ass backwards It took about 30 to 45 minutes longer than it should have. So on top of working 13 plus hours it didn’t leave much time for sleep last night. I was crying before I could even fall a sleep. Today being the day my dad passed. I did really good all week. But after I was able to sit down and just try and relax and sleep it hit me like a brick.

I have worked but not like I should be. I found things to keep me busy but didn’t get things I really needed to done. I have to play catch up today to be on track for the guys next week and them to have work. I have kept my self detracted and just not done a lot. But over all I had felt pretty good not depressed or upset. But last night today has more than made up for it.

Pops came in a little bit ago and sat down he don’t want to be here either. He is still having a hard time with his wife passing. We just sitting here looking at the walls and each other talking about we need to get busy. Then we just talk about whatever to keep from doing anything. He is in there now working on a few things and trying to get into doing something and I am finishing this. I hope the day gets better some way. Bff was supposed to come have lunch with me but she cancelled I knew she was going to. She has no idea what today is. No one does I can’t even talk about it.

Guess I better get off here get this stuff done if they have no work next week I’m probably be in trouble for sure because I can’t even say I tried and couldn’t get it. I haven’t even tried. I maybe back later.

{May 28, 2018}   An Accident

My right arm is so sore and seems swollen to me. Its just an annoying soreness in my arm from down in my thumb to my elbow almost and all around.

I don’t know if I told you all that on Thursday I was almost in an accident. I almost broke my arm and just about hit a mailbox and other cars.

I did something I never do and know better than to ever do. I was reaching for something on my dash. I stuck my hand and arm through the steering wheel instead of around it. Then I had to turn and things and without thinking about what I was doing where my arm was I did. My arm got all twisted up in the wheel and snatched all around. I ran off the road because not only was my arm stuck I couldn’t steer the truck. I almost hit a mailbox other cars and the ditch.

Now it hurts up to my elbow still hurts to grip anything or carry anything. Just sore all the time no matter how I turn it, hold it or lay it. It isn’t bruised that I can see on the outside. My thumb hurts as well down into my arm. I can use it but it all hurts pretty bad.

Still can not believe I did that. I never do stuff like that. I am just so wore out and stressed over bills. I feel like I am sleepwalking through my days and nights. Just go go go all the time and then dealing with her on top of it.

{May 14, 2018}   Happy Belated Mothers Day

I truly hope your day was much better than mine was. I started my day with Little Bitty being sick. Fever, stomach upset and head hurting. I had to be at work at 1. We just snuggled in my bed until 11, until I had to get up get ready and do a few things. I felt so bad she was still laying down when I left.

I get to work and the other girl leaves so it was just me for the night. Not a big deal normally, but it was starting to look like it was going to be busy. I sat down looked at the bookings and times and figured out it wouldn’t be as bad as it looked. I had some down time between to get the rooms reset for the next guest. All should be good.

So I thought, until people started showing up late and not wanting to be together and walk in start coming whil others were calling to book rooms. Then I had rooms going that were calling me and at times had three at a time going and calling.

It was like all hell broke lose in a matter of minutes and just when I thought it was under control more people would call or show up. I finally said I have to get the boss in here for an hour even just to get caught up. I messaged him while trying to do everything else. I said really busy need help. I never heard back from him. After I got a little more done everyone infront of me started I tried to call. I thought ok if he can just take the phone feild calls and call people back. Nope no answer when I called either. He is supposed to be my 911 back up if I get slammed, he lives a few blocks away. Everyone else it would of taken forever to get there. I not needed them by time they did.

Finally at 820 pm I had the place empty. I had a few more bookings for 830 I could of taken. I forwarded the phones to the boss, locked the doors and put the closed sign up. I had all 9 rooms to put back together, both bathrooms to clean, my money drop to make, all the tables and chairs to bring in before I could leave. I hadn’t eaten or even gotten to go to the bathroom since one when I got there. I am sick on top of it all.

I knew I still had an hours worth of work to get done. I went to the bathroom and cleaned it while I was there. Then I went sat down because I was wore out. I did my money picked up the front counter and poured myself a drink. That took all of 10 minutes and I was up and going again. I brought everything from outside, turned the air off and the music before I started on the rooms. I finished 3 of the rooms and was started on the next two. By now it was almost 9. My boss finally calls back and says he just seen I had messaged and called him earlier. It been 4 or 5 hours since I did that. He ask what I was doing I told him I did all this and was starting x y and still had z and this that and the other to do. That I just got everyone out not long ago.

I starts telling me how sorry he was he just seen my message and that I called. It shouldn’t of happened, blah blah blah. He tells me just to leave whatever wasn’t done and he would take care of it this morning he was the first to come in. He didn’t have to tell me twice I got my stuff and left. I was done. I came home about 11 laid down and woke up at 845 this morning. I was so exhausted. I had to go to the store before I could come home. I had to pull over check my tires because something didn’t feel right. Then I had to pull over for a bit because I was raining so hard I could not see or stop very well. Once I got in the store it started raining again for about 30 minutes I was stuck there.

None of my kids told me happy mothers day or gave me the things they had made at school. My oldest finally said something when I got home at 10 last night. My mom said she told her to get me flowers or something for me at the store but they didn’t bother. I’m not mad at them or upset with them. I know they are upset I am hardly ever here. But I am doing the best I can. I have to work what I can to keep bills paid.

I feel horrible I am not here and it makes life more stressfull the effects it is having on them. But them not having a ride I have to get threw the next few weeks before I can figure out something different. Even then I do not know what I will do again once school starts back.

{April 3, 2017}   Feeling Behind

I feel that I am so far behind on posting and reading on here. I just posted stuff that happen last Wednesday I guess yesterday because it is now after midnight. I have just been so tired lately and then with everything that has been going on for the last week or more. I have a challenge that I haven’t done yet I am going to get to it I promise. Today I thought about a couple post I started writing back in February and didn’t finish and it is already April. I don’t know if or when I will get to them, maybe when the right mood hits.

I am still sore and swollen from the last three days. I thought it would go down some since I slept almost 12 hours straight and everyone else in the house slept 12 or more hours straight last night. I woke up at 1030 and everyone was still sleeping. I went to bed at 11 or a little before and was out in no time. The girls where in bed before that and the boys went to bed when I did. They slept another 20 or so minutes and then started getting up. Little Bitty had came in and got in my bed again sometime in the night or this morning I don’t even know when because I didn’t hear or feel her. I did feel her get up a few times get a drink from her cup by the bed and get back in bed and go to sleep. I was surprised because most time once she wakes up and it is day light forget it she isn’t laying back down.

Father of the year decided to show up tonight, he showed up at 950 PM!, go figure. I wanted to tell him to go home it was to late but I needed to go pay the rent so I let him stay since the kids had slept so late today and were watching a movie. I took his truck and paid the rent since I still need a light for mine.

When I got home I maid everyone go to bed about 11, he finally left. He asked me why my legs and feet where so swollen. I told him from what happen at the school Thursday, going hiking with the school on Friday and standing/walking around the 4h fair all day yesterday. He just said oh your at the school a lot now aren’t you? I said when they need me and I can be. Not like I have anywhere else to be or place to go.

I haven’t talk to my poor friend in days I have been so busy she is probably wondering if I am mad at her. I am going to have to go see her tomorrow when I get out of school. I have to go food shopping too. I am going to be so tired because it is 2 am and I am still not sleepy. I have class tomorrow. Guess I will get caught up on some post.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: