Single___Parent___Life











{October 8, 2019}   Almost 40

So the fact that I am going to be 40 in a little over a year punched me in the face the other day. I still can’t Figure out what the hell I have done so far the last 38. All I can think is this is it? This is really it? Wth? Life is over. Okay okay not over but this part or a big part of it. I look at so much that hasn’t been done and so much still to be done. I look at my kids and two almost grown, one half way and one just getting started. That makes things a little of as well. I been in this weird frame of mind since it really hit the other day.

Who would of thought one simple little picture could set off such a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. I was looking at someone’s picture I don’t even know on line and thinking how they looked older. Then I looked and they are around my age. It got me to thinking about how we feel vs. how we look and how we don’t see ourselves the way others see us at times. How it don’t feel as much time has went by that really has. One day you wake up and it hits you. By then is it to late to live the life you wanted or live the life we want? Is it to late to make the changes? Are we to old? I feel like to much time has passed for a lot of things I just need to figure out what life I’m going to live at this point and forget the past. But there are still things I want that maybe aren’t so to far fetched just yet maybe. Maybe they are maybe I need to change them some. Then there is a part of me that says I want it or just forget it change everything.



{June 7, 2019}   Where Has This Year Gone

I had to stop and look for the date today for something I was doing. It is not anything that I do not do everyday but I had to really think about what month it was and when I had last talk to or responded to a client we are trying to set an account up for. It had been the end of March start of April when I talk to them last. I thought oh it has been a month. Then it hit me no we are half way into June just about.

I do not know where this last few months has went. As I write this and think about it, since I have started this job it seems as if I have lost a chunk of time. I think because get up go to work, leave go to job 2 and then go home and pretty much walk in and go to bed. Just to do it all over the next day and the next until the weekend gets here.

My day’s, week’s and months are just ran together. Even if you deal with the date everyday until you really stop and think about it you do not notice how much of it is gone.



{September 19, 2018}   Not Sure What I am Feeling

Its one of those days where I have no idea what I am feeling or what to do or how to fix anything. I don’t feel stressed unless I sit and really start thinking about the bills and what is due how much I owe out. Then I feel my anxiety start to climb. Other than that if I just don’t think about it I don’t feel anything at all. I know I should be up doing something and that I need to be looking for a job but I can’t make myself get up and do it today. The thought of going and applying and interviews and being turned down not called back and the expectations of these jobs and the next to nothing pay the want for all that they want. It all stresses me makes my anxiety 100x worse, I feel like I am going to start having panic attacks again between trying to find a job and keep up with everything. I feel like it is a never ending battle I am to the point of everything is so far gone and such a mess why even try. Just lay here and do nothing and let whatever is going to happen happen. We have to move okay, if the lights go off or whatever. I feel like I have tried for 5 years and failed why keep trying. It does no good to ask for help because there is always an excuse or reason where ever i go whatever i try to get help with or for no matter how simple or big it is. I am okay with doing nothing and whatever happens just happens.

I have no idea what will happen if all that happens nor at this point do I care. I don’t want to be the responsible one all the time anymore i truely feel at this point I no longer can and it feels like a huge weight lifted to think that I wouldn’t have to be anymore. I feel like I could breath i don’t feel like I am dying a slow painful death.

Guess i better go get the kids at school.



{May 22, 2018}   Random Thought 6

You know once you jump you cant save yourself if you can’t swim. So if you just get to that point your good. Its all over in a few.



et cetera
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