Single___Parent___Life











{October 28, 2019}   Was I Stupid For Thinking

That things had finally turned around and I was going to get things paid up and do a little more than struggle for a while? For being so happy and excited the other day when paying things up? I am starting to feel like I was. Now that I am $600 + under water already less than a week later. I honestly did not see this coming. I thought we were good on making payment and I was getting somewhere. I wasn’t to worried about the $20 extra on the car insurance I was going to swing it and still be okay. But now with the other and Halloween and everything else all hitting I feel like I was slammed back to reality of we aren’t meant to do anymore than struggle to get by or have anything more.

I am short for this week coming up don’t know how I am supposed to pay things or take care of things now. I can’t take another advance to make up for the amount they are pulling out until next Wednesday. That is to late because this is my rent money I need it will be late they will add a late fee and the cycle just keeps going. I know I can get out of it I just can’t figure out how.

I have even looked at trying to get another job to do in the day that pays more but I can’t find anything. Everything pays $10 an hour or less or requires a lot more hours than I have and still don’t pay enough to only work one job. I have even looked for a different night job that would let me just work one job but can’t find anything that pays good enough there either.



{October 24, 2019}   I Almost Cried

Yesterday after the awards at the school I left and I went and paid the water bill and the internet bill. I paid them both down to $0. I still have the light bill to pay on next week but when I do it will also be paid down to $0 balance.  The water bill was late the light bill will be on time. On time and paid in full!

I know that probably don’t sound like a lot to you all or your saying yeah so lots of people do that all the time or what. But for me that is a big deal and to know that I did it on my own, without having to borrow, or use my tax money, or money I got from here or there it huge.

In the last 7 years me and the kids were homeless two years in a row for Christmas. We got into this place March of 2014. Although we have had a place it has been a struggle to keep it and keep bills paid. Much less other things we need. I have worked two and three jobs at a time and just staying a step ahead from sinking. Get a step or so ahead or think I was and get knocked back down.

I don’t think I have had a $0 balance on my bills since I started services there 4.5 years ago. Other than if I got my tax money and was able to pay them up and then they were up there again in a month or two because I wan’t making enough to pay them off each month. I would shuffle money around to keep things going. Final notices got paid and everything else got shuffled until the magic letter came in the mail. Then I would have to borrow to get keep them going at times or we would do without other things or scrape by.

I was so happy and excited I almost cried when I paid the water bill it showed a $0 balance. It is so discouraging to pay it have them hand you the receipt and it have a balance on it over $100 and you just handed them $200 or more.

Needless to say my excitement quickly faded when I got to work and oldest messaged me and said oh did you get the note that was on the door yesterday?

I had no idea what she was talking about she sent me a picture it is a three day notice to pay or get out. I owe them $400 for “repairs” Because I have to pay $75 every time they have to send someone out. 99% of the time it is for the plumbing that they have been told over and over has a busted pipe. But they will not pay someone to check it out. They say I have to do that. I don’t have the money. So when it won’t drain at all I have to do something I call them they send their man he cleans the line and it drains for a bit and we do it over. If I have the money i pay it and when I don’t it sits there. Rent is paid on time every month has been for a while because it is the one thing I have no play with when it gets paid why everything else gets shuffled around. They can’t put me out over anything other than rent but they I guess took my rent money and put it on my fee’s so it shows I am behind on my rent. Since I paid by their card not a check or money order there isn’t much I can do about it. If I pay by check or money order and write for rent they can’t use it for anything else. Since it is on the card they can do what they want because it isn’t marked. But I have always done it like that and if it was paid on the first they just took it as rent. I have been paying $75, $25 a $100 extra a month but I don’t have it all I talked to them and that was fine because I gave them a chunk upfront. But then I had to call them since and they have a hair in their ass about something they did this and didn’t even say they were changing things up or nothing just come stick a note on the door. Now i am trying to figure out how to pay it before TOMORROW. If I had known I could of probably waited to pay those bills had a chunk of it now I paid them I don’t have any of it. If I get paid tomorrow that is food money and lights. I was going to ask my boss at my night job but he is out of town until Tuesday so that don’t help. I can probably get by until Monday but after that I will be in Trouble they will be back Monday if I don’t pay it that morning. Then it will cost more they add fee every time they have to come out there or what. I don’t know what I am going to do. Even if I worked doing pizza’s this weekend I won’t make near that much. I don’t know who else to ask to borrow it.

I am probably going to have to pawn my guns and then I am going to be in that cycle that I can’t get out of for a while end up costing me a ton of money in the end. I was feeling so good and so accomplished. That I was making progress, real progress I was going to have all the bills paid up and then be able to pay that $400 up. But it was costing me more to not pay the bills up first vs paying the rent up and I had made arrangments and was making payments. I was going to start paying extra to pay it up faster since I had bills paid up and wasn’t paying so much on them and late fee’s. I will work it out but I don’t know how and it feel knocked down and defeated again and like all my work was for nothing if I can’t come up with this last little $400.



{December 26, 2017}   Sleeping Beauty Is Gone

A lot has happened the last 3 weeks I guess going on 4 weeks now. When he first came here he was not doing good at all, he had not been taking his medication for his sugar problems and it was starting to effect him. I think it was the night he came and stayed he told me he had not taken them or eaten anything hardly in days. He had dinner with us and then I took him back to his house to get them. He told me no he wasn’t worried about it and I went anyway and he got them and took them. We went to the beach after that and he said something about it. I said just to get out for a little bit let the kids go to bed. We went over the walk and down to the beach and walked a little bit down the way, he said we are stopping here tonight we are not walking that far down there. He stopped and sat down. The other nights we had walked way the hell down the beach, when we figured out about where we were and where we started we had walked at least a mile or more down the beach. That night we didn’t go out of site of the walk where we had come down at. I was okay with that, I just wanted to relax for a little bit. A few times sitting there he said something about not feeling good and things. I asked him if he wanted me to take him home he said no. In a little bit he said we needed to go or something like that. I ask what he said he said we need to go lets go do you think the kids will be in bed at your house? Could we go back there? I said yes and we left, I could tell he really wasn’t doing good at all at that point and may end up in the emergency room, I figured I better bring him home instead of dropping him off. If I dropped him off he go in go to his room say nothing go to bed and no one would know if something happen until it was to late maybe. Even if he did say something they probably would’t take him to the er and he would’t call anyone or get a way. He was depressed and going through all the crap with work and things as well.

He started taking his medication everyday and was doing a lot better that first week he ended up staying here. He wasn’t working and I wasn’t either we took care of things here and picked up a few cars to get a little money. I could tell by the end of the week he was starting to calm down a lot and starting to smile and joke around more. He just seemed relaxed and like a weight had been moved. The following Monday he went to work at a car lot that he use to work at before. I just didn’t feel it was a good idea but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know anything about it or anything like that and I know he wanted to get back to work and needed the money. He had no money for anything not even to pay me. Well then He told me about working there for 9 years and things like that. I knew then that I was right this was not a place he needed to be or should be at all. I still didn’t say anything. He stayed out late a few different nights and come Saturday his first payday last Saturday the guys wanted him to go out with them. I didn’t say anything it wasn’t my business what he wanted to do that was fine. He came home bought clothes and things paid me and left about 9. We didn’t see or hear from him again until lunch time Sunday. I was out shopping with a friend and lunch. We just sat down to eat and he text saying he was on his way home. I said okay and left it at that. He said he was walking from the street up here in front of the are I live 6 or 7 blocks or more away. I didn’t say anything. I figured he was waiting for me to ask him if he wanted a ride I didn’t. He got to the house and said something about being home then text me and ask if he could take a nap in my bed. The kids were all here and up. I told him yes I be home in a few hours or so. I got home he was passed out. I did something around the house and then me and oldest went in the bedroom and folded clothes and things and he never woke up. We decided to put the tree up after dinner so I made dinner and he was still sleeping. I came in and woke him up and ask if he was getting up and told him I needed him to help me. He open his eyes and looked around funny. It was pretty much dark in the room it was 7 or close to it. I said it is such and such time it’s dark already he was surprised. He got up ate, helped get the stuff out of the attic, helped me put strings on the decorations so the kids cold hang them and then him and the kids made gingerbread houses why I went to storage or somewhere with a friend to put stuff in there and see what all I had and needed to get.

Well from like that night on his phone started blowing up again all the time all the time someone texting or messaging him. I thought it was funny because when we were out a few times it did and for a day or two after he started staying here it did then it stopped hardly ever did it go off. I knew why I didn’t say anything but was glad it wasn’t and he seemed happier and doing better. But then when it started I wasn’t happy and it just made me feel more uneasy about the job. Monday I was supposed to work and then was told not to. I took him to work and came home. We were texting and he said I could clean out the back room that was supposed to be his. I told him that wouldn’t make me money. He said he knew but he needed it. I told him I knew but I needed help a lot to be moved I could’t do on my own and it would take more than a day. He came home about normal time that day I picked him up.

That night my friend came over and picked me up to go to the store with her. I did’t want to go and she told me I had to go with her she wasn’t going to be long just go with her please. I said fine but come pick me up I don’t feel like driving and I was hoping she wouldn’t because I wanted to talk to him but she did. I wanted to talk to him for a little bit and had plan to Saturday until he told me he was going out. She came over and she came in we all joked around and talked for a little bit and we left. As soon as we got outside she told me she had to tell me something. I told her no I didn’t want to hear it whatever it was to keep it to herself. Because the guys had told her something the week before I think just trying to start shit and we found out it was a lie. I said I don’t want to know if it is bad news I really don’t want to know. I could tell by the way she said it it wasn’t going to be good. I figured it was just the guys starting shit again or trying to. She said no I have to tell you this just get in the truck.

I got in and she started telling me where he had been the night he went out. Then she told me he got something from this guy and only gave him half the money and the guy was looking for him and was going to come to my house this weekend if he didn’t get his money. I said that would explain why his phone is blowing up or part of it. I still didn’t know if I wanted to believe it or not but had to figure out if it was true or what because I couldn’t have people coming to my house looking for him. I said I am not going to say anything I am going to go to the office tomorrow first thing meet me there. If the guys are saying this then they need to show me proof. I went to the office first thing after I dropped my little one off at school and the guys were in there and she was there already. I told her to be there so no one could turn anything around and say I said this or that or started asking questions or talking shit. The one guy his old roommate started talking to me I said do you have the text show them to me I want to see them. He said he didn’t but wait a minute. He picked the phone up and done something and in a minute it started going off. He turned it around and showed me. He text and ask when he was going to have the guys money told him he was mad and looking for him. He was saying he have it he would have it. They went back and forth and things he showed me all the text he was sitting here in my house sending him no clue what was going on and that I was sitting there seeing it all. I was not happy. The ex roommate said the guy is pissed he called me looking for him I told him I get a hold of him but that he didn’t live with me anymore and wasn’t really talking to me much. He said the guy said oh we know he is staying over off X street with a girl in this house with this truck. We are going over there Saturday. He told him no not to come here and start that I had kids and things here please just not do that. He told him no he was coming if he didn’t get a hold of him with the money right away. He told him he would pay it just not to come over here. Of course it wasn’t the money it was the fact of the matter that he did him this way and wasn’t answering him and things he was still coming. I do not blame him at all. He kept telling him please not to do it because of the kids. He said if it was just him or him and her would be one thing but she don’t even know what is going on and she has kids there. I said here is the deal get a hold of him tell him to meet me here I will give him the money just don’t bring this to my house I do not want it at my house. I will pay him I will take care of what is in my house and he can still do what he would like to him just not at my house meet him somewhere else, catch him walking or whatever. He said no he was going to take care of it he knew I didn’t have the money to pay it and things. I said no I don’t but I can’t have this going on so just let me talk to him and pay it. I said fine I am going home I will take care of this.

I got home he was about to make breakfast. I waked in he said you look pissed what is wrong? I said nothing I am not mad. I said what is up with you? What have you done or doing? What happen this weekend? But before I said something and he said you look mad he said oh it’s already gotten back to you? I said what? What are you talking about? He said nothing or something. I asked him that he said nothing what are you talking about nothing wrong with me, I’m not doing anything. I said well that isn’t what I heard and now I guess I am supposed to have company or visitors at my door Saturday over whatever you did Sunday. No I don’t know what you are talking about. I said you went and got x paid for half and now avoiding the guy and he is coming here to find you. I don’t tell anyone where you live no one knows where I am. Second I did not get anything from anyone or do anything. I said I seen the text I was at the office when you were texting your ex roommate and he showed them all to me. I said so who are you talking about paying if you don’t owe anyone and you didn’t do anything? He is talking about his wife I owe her money I told him I was bring him money then didn’t I need to save to pay my fee blah blah and I don’t have any now after I went out the other night. I said no he wasn’t talking about his wife and you know it and weren’t either. Yes it was they are mad and starting shit. He got pissed off and went outside. I walked out there he was on the phone. I ask who he was calling he said the roommate. He came in sat on the couch and just sat there, he looked like he was going to cry, wouldn’t look at me wouldn’t say anything, wouldn’t even open his eyes at first. I said so what is going on this needs to be taken care of. I don’t know he is lying he is talking about what I own him. I said fine get him on the phone lets sort this all out once and for all. I called he won’t answer. I said give me his number I will call he will answer he won’t know it is me. I said better yet lets go up there face to face once and for all and get this all taken care of all 4 of us there together at one time figure out whatever one is taking about and who is lying. I got to go to work. I said not until 10 it’s only 830 we have plenty of time. Not because the boss will have his friend come pick me up because if I go up there, there will be a fight. I said no there won’t lets just go. I said something about talk to me just tell me what was going on, he got up and left. Started walking to work. I said what are you doing? Walking I got to get out of here I said I will give you a ride. No I don’t want a ride just let me walk. I left went to go to my friends house were I was supposed to work that day and we were texting he said something about his life being over and everything. I ask where he was because i didn’t see him when I left and he shouldn’t have been that far. I was worried he might do something because he made comments a few times about it when shit was going on. I also could not remember if the stove was turned off or what. I turned around came back to the house and check the stove it was off. He text me said he got picked up by one of the guys from work. Then said he was hungry. I ask if he wanted me to bring him something he said no he be fine. I said okay fine then be that way. He said something about walking, I said you had a ride so I don’t want to hear that. In a little bit he text what would you bring me to eat? I said I don’t know I don’t have time to make anything so something cheap we are broke. He told me what to get him. I said okay I go get it and bring it.

Then he text me says when you get here I don’t want to talk about it so don’t bring it up and start. I said okay and went got what he asked for. there is not where to park I have to pull over on the edge of the road on the road part way. In my big truck it makes it hard for cars coming behind me to get around and things. I didn’t see him buses and things were coming I pulled in the parking lot of the store across the street. In a minute he told me to follow him. I didn’t see him leave or see him when I looked up. He told me where he was I went back there. He came over to the truck and talk to me a little bit. He kept saying don’t look at me that way. Why are you looking at me that way, why are you looking that way. I said I am not looking no way. But I was upset and I wasn’t probably giving him some kind of look but wasn’t trying to. He said look I just had to get out I get mad I just have to walk away and cool down but we can talk later.

My boss at the shop was saying when I was there she can’t go home and say anything to him or tell him she knows because if he gets pissed off he will put his hand on her. I said oh I am not worried about that I think he knows better than to try that with me. They said he has been in trouble for it already a few times. I said oh I know I am not stupid I know. I am nothing special and he could knock the hell out of me or choke me or whatever like he has done in the past from what they say. I don’t know them I don’t know what was going on at the time or why any of it happen. But he also knows that I will fight back anyway I have to or can and that I will not put up with it I will shoot as soon as I get away and get to my gun. He said or did something one day here and I said something or flinched he said something about what is wrong with you I wouldn’t put my hands on you or hit you, something like that. I said nothing I don’t think that you would and do I look like I am worried or scared because it only be one time. He was like I would never I said okay. They all say that I am sure.

A little later when I got to my friends I sent him a message and said look sorry to start your day off shitty but I needed to know what is going on and take care of this. I am not mad I you just need to talk to me let me know what is going on we need to pay it and then figure out from there. I hope you have a better rest of the day. Well then he kept texting me and texting me after telling me he didn’t want to talk about it and things we talked some more about whatever then finally he said i am at work I got to go. I said I just text that one thing you kept on, I didn’t expect and answer back or for you to go on and on, I just said hope your day got better.

That night he came home put on a Christmas move for the kids and done some things with them and by the time they finally went to bed he was still doing stuff and let the oldest stay up later. I finally went to bed. Then Wednesday him and the oldest backed cookies for school half the night. Thursday he worked late and then he came home and laid down went to sleep as soon as he was done doing what he needed to do and the kids went to bed.

Friday Morning rolls around and I took him to work and went to work. Ex roommate walks in and sits down at the other desk. He said hey I’m sorry I didn’t mean to cause a bunch of problems for ya’ll Tuesday, I just had to tell you and let you know what is about to happen at your house and I guess he got pissed off about it. He said he called me told me I was dead to him and all kinds of things he didn’t have a place to stay probably now. I said nope never told him he didn’t have a place to stay he hasn’t even talked to me about it other than to tell me that isn’t what you are talking about, your talking about money he owes you. He said he does but that isnt’ it. I said I know. I said but he still won’t admit it. He said he dose owe my wife $400. I said see he keeps telling me that you owe him $400 you both say the other owes the same. He said no he been paid for that he had gotten that money. I said I don’t know it isn’t my business I just know I hear from both the other owes the same amount of money I wasn’t there it has nothing to do with me I don’t care. I just said it wanting him to hush and go on. Figured it turned on him he go on. Well I guess he couldn’t wait to get out the door to call and tell him I said this or that. I get a text why did I go to him and start about him owing money and he said I came to him and started. I said nope he came in here and he started I said that figuring it would get him to shut up go on. Keep my name and business out of things up there I don’t work there i don’t talk to them blah blah. You should of never said anything. NOw I have to deal with this while i’m at work. I said sorry your right I screwed up I shouldn’t have said anything you ask me not to. I wasn’t thinking dealing with my own shit right now. I said I was going to tell you but after work when i picked you up instead of while you are at work. But I guess just like I said if anything got said it would be I said this or that or done this or that turn it around on me. You told me come keep my mouth shut ignore him and work to get the money until I find something else. Yes go and keep your mouth shut you can’t do that. I said whatever i screwed up but I am owning it and telling you i have always told you anything that was said kept nothing from you and been upfront honest with you but go ahead listen to him over me I went and started with him. Tell boss to pull the cameras you will see where it took place what was said and how it all came up because I have nothing to hide. We stopped talking.

I think it was 20 minutes later I get a text, I still need to come up with $50 by 6 tonight. I said For? Playing stupid because he told me he didn’t own anyone anything didn’t do anything. If he didn’t why dose he need $50. He said to pay that guy. I said okay will you be off when I get off at 5 he said no 6. I figured he could get off when I did go pay it take care of it by 6. I said okay I will be there at 6 he said just drop it at 5 when you get off I need to do this by myself. I said I will be there at 6. He said okay but I have to go do this by myself is that okay. I didn’t answer. Well shit happen I didn’t get there until almost 630. We went to get change he had one of the guys from work waiting. I told him let me go take him get it over I know it was taken care of. No no I need to go do this he is going to take me, I don’t know what is going to happen I don’t want you in the middle of it you did nothing wrong. I said no I am in the middle of it they are talking about coming to my house over it all. I want to make sure it gets taken care of. I told you I am going to take care of it. I don’t want you to see whatever happens. I said I am not worried about what happens. Just let him take me I will be home when I am done. I finally said okay.

I never heard from him until like 5 am told me he was on his way home never showed up. He told me later that evening he was on his way home to get dropped off. He shows up starts packing his stuff and whoever dropped him off turned around to park and came back. I said something. He said he was going to his moms. I knew he had talked about going so not surprised but was that he was going right then. He was still in Fridays work clothes and everything. I said why don’t you let me take you to her house in a little bit? He said she is waiting on me out there now she wants to go to dinner and she is taking me to get my check. I ask him if he was coming back because I am figuring he isn’t at this point. He said yeah I’m coming back. He said I don’t know when I am not sure when I am going to work again or when I am coming back but I will be back. He said earlier or the night before he thought he needed to get away work some things out and clear his head. I said I wish I knew you were going now I was counting on the money you were supposed to give me to get by the next month here. He said I am gong to bring the money I owe you in a little bit. I said no for the next few weeks but I will work it out I know you are giving me that. He looked funny when I said no for the next few weeks. Like he had not thought of that.

He left I have not seen him since. I noticed late Saturday he has me blocked I can’t see his stuff or message him. But I have not been able to message him for a while now something is wrong with it but if it was working I could’t. I figured he blocked me from calling or testing him too but he didn’t. I messaged him that night ask where my money was why he hadn’t come back. Then I said something about him blocking me he never answered any of it. The next morning I called it went to voice mail. In a few minutes I got a text stop calling me. I said I need to talk to you. I don’t want to talk. I ask about the money no answer and things he didn’t answer. I sent him another text.

I said, I did nothing to you but try to help you and let you come here stay, cook, take you to work, whatever you needed make sure you were okay with all that was going on. this is how your going to do me let me and my kids get tossed out because you won’t give me $200 you owe me. I said I have no where to go no where to get the money and no one that helps me or gives me a place to stay. All because I did what I could or thought was right to help you? I said the kids are waiting on you to come by too they have something for you for Christmas. I said oldest was up when I got home late last night and was disappointing, you hadn’t showed back up like you said you were going to. I said the first thing she said to me was he never came back we didn’t get to give him what we got him. I just told her that they could give it to you a different time. He got mad said this is what I am talking about you text so much. I said what that supposed to mean. I said you won’t answer your phone, sit down and talk to me or anything else. will not tell em when you are bringing me money. He said and I told you I am not talking. I ask again about the money. never answered or brings up the money just he isn’t talking how much I text and things.

I was done by this point. I sent him one last text. I didn’t want to piss him off but I also had something to say and I was going to say it and was hoping it make him think and maybe do the right thing. I said

Yes I know avoid everything, instead of talking, that’s really keeping it real being straight upfront isn’t it? Maybe if you would sit and talk be upfront about things you would be surprised instead of just hiding, assuming and leaving.

Because you know what like everyone says your a great person, your funny, fun to be around, great with the kids and a good friend.

I know your dealing with a lot and that when your dealing with depression everything is 2000x harder to deal with. People don’t know they don’t get it. They just see all your fuck ups and think you should just stop doing this or that and everything would be okay. thy are not looking at the bigger problem, what is really wrong. I have dealt with depression most my life. I know how the little things can push you into a down ward spiral that can take forever to pull out of. I know the childish bullshit is not easy to ignore that you know that you it shouldn’t get to you but it does, because all the shit you have dealt with in the past all the shit that has been drilled in your head. Its just one more person doing, saying, thinking, so I know it isn’t true but they are saying it so it must be. All I head from my mom growing up is how I was never good enough, nothing I did was good enough. All I hear from her now is how horrible I am how bad I am then that’s all I heard from my ex for years. Yeah I get it more than you probably know.

Yeah maybe you screwed up last weekend or whatever happened. Why I said lets sit down talk figure it out. You say you don’t want to go back to your old ways, help keep you out of trouble. I was willing to do that, you need that person willing to not judge be there and help. But I can’t do that when you won’t let me, won’t tell me what is going on.

I think you going up there getting away was a good idea, if your mom is willing to help you get things straight. I do not think that job was a good idea at all. I seen a big difference from the time you were here not working and when you went to work over there. just in that little bit of time. But I know you need the job and the money. But I think you would be better off finding something else.

sorry yeah maybe I text to much but since you will not talk I can’t say it to you and I feel it needs to be said. So here it is take it how you will do with it what you want. But some people really are not like the rest some really do care and just try to help. Nothing more nothing less. They just know what it is like being there doing that and just needing that one person like I said. Also know how even though you need them you push them away because you figure if they really knew or they are going to see….and then they will walk away, so it is easier to push them away before they do. I’m not like that I don’t walk away that easy.

You say your coming back I have no idea and assume nothing. If you get things figured out decide to great if you decide not to okay. I just hope that you really do get things on the right track for you so that your happy in your life. Because this shit is misreabe and no way for anyone to live. Your a good person and should be happy in life.

I know things are not perfect here, I know I am not an have not been the best mom, or at keeping up with things here. But I am trying, Thank you for all that you helped with here. For helping me get my self in gear and motivated to make things better here. Thank you for helping me with the kids and getting things back on the right track. Yeah I screw up once in a while or what but I wasn’t trying to go against you.

I sent that and then sent one that said, I will leave you alone but I do need to get with you by Tuesday to gt that money. I have to get my tag it will be dead and get rent paid.

This morning I sent a test saying merry Christmas to everyone and sent it to him. I still have not heard anything from him.

I did find out yesterday as well that as soon as he left here and told me he was going to get his check he went right over to the store and gave the boss $200 for his phone bill. He already had his check. I wasn’t happy about that. He didn’t have money to pay both of us I don’t think. I figure he paid that then went Christmas shopping for his family because he maid a few comments about needing to do that. I don’t know but I need my money like I told him before it is my rent money, gas money, and tag money. All that have to be paid the next few days here. I need pay other things as well and need to figure out how to do that. I wish I knew where his mom lived I would take a ride to her house. I would also tell her everything that has happened. I know he is lying all around and doing shit if he really wants to get away and get straight then he needs to get it all out and do it right. I know he left as well because he don’t want this guy coming to look for him even if he paid it and he knows he has really messed up and like he keeps saying I don’t want you in the middle of things I don’t want you in this I don’t want you dealing with this it has nothing to do with you it’s on me. He don’t want them knowing anything about me or who I am either and he wants them to know or think he isn’t here any more.

I think he was doing really good for a while but I think with all the shit that happen at the shop and then getting over here into this job with old friends all in a mess it was just to easy to fall back into. It is sad because he really is a good person and fun to be around. But I can’t have this stuff around me and my kids. I do not want it brought to my house. If he really wants to straighten out and wants help I am all for helping him. But he is also going to have to understand that things are going to change and he is going to have to tell me a lot more than he has been and he is going to have to show me his phone and things and talk to me. Not just avoid things.

I don’t think he is going to pay me and I don’t think he is going to come back. He left a few things here but nothing important. Like I told him if he does fine if not that is okay I understand why he went and why he went like he is and it is good he did the sooner he gets away from that job the better. but it sucks that he is in such a mind set that he see’s nothing wrong with screwing me. My boss said he gave him $200 and if he don’t pay me he is going to give me the money and tell him if he wants his phone paid he is going to have to bring him more money. That my bills are more important than his phone right now. I just want them out of it. I don’t want them in it at all but I have to pay my stuff and I have no one to help me but them right now. He don’t like we are so close because then I am going to find out the lies. Like they said before he is in over his head and don’t know what to do. But if he just talk to me I could of helped him.

I got to get to bed I have written a book. But I am just blown away by all this. I always seem to pick the winners. I was talking to two or three different new guys and a few I know and stop talking to them to talk to him. For what we didn’t really have a relationship. I wouldn’t call it that. Everyone says he just lied he lied all around about everything. He just looking for this or that. I really don’t think he lied about everything. I think that he was interested or maybe interested why he keeps saying what he does about not wanting me around not wanting me to see and things. But I think he really is nerves or scared because he knows what he has fallen back into and he knows that he can’t do it here. He don’t know what to do. He has said to me a few times he needed to get away and clear his head figure things out work on some things a few times but that he be back or he was going to go ghost for a little bit but he be back. I never said anything about if he was coming back or what about us or anything like it bothered me. I only ask the other night because I needed to know what to expect or what but still didn’t get a answer. I think he wants to or wanted to have a relationship but don’t want to mess it up with all that is going on. who knows.



{May 23, 2017}   3 Miles To Empty

I picked all the kids up from school today and pulled in my driveway with 3 miles until empty. Today was last day for one of them and the older two have two more days left and their awards on Thursday as well. I told them they probably would not get to go the next two days because I have a dollar I found in the truck and that was it. One of them said that Big Boy had money in his bank could we use it? I told them I thought it was mostly pennies they said no he had mostly quarters and things. He said we could use it if I gave it back when I started working or what. I told him of course I would. We got home and he looked he had a $20 in there that he found months ago in the parking lot. I thought he had spent all his money he had like that. I have it to get gas to get everyone to school a few days now. Maybe a little to get where ever else we may need to go. I have to go work tomorrow and Friday I hope but probably won’t get paid from that since my water got paid. Maybe I will be able to make some money now and pay that back when I get to working full time, or get part of it in cash to get gas and a few things and put the rest to what I owe. They said they wanted to help and not to worry about it but I want to pay it back. I don’t want to hear from anyone how they had to do this or that for me and I didn’t pay it back or whatever. I always pay it back in some way.

I got a call about an hour ago, it was my friend J she said that her husband wanted to talk to me. He got on the phone and was asking me how much I needed for my rent and when I needed it by? I told him he said he gets paid Friday and that he will make sure it gets to me as soon as he gets paid so that I can pay the rent. Thank God that and the water is paid. Now I just have to worry about my car insurance and other little things like internet and things. Hopefully I get a call back from this women at McDonald’s and get that. I will take anything and work for my friends husband on the side if I can.

I still need to get my truck fixed it is like a $400 fix but my friend said he do it for cost of the part and $50 for his time. Then I have to get a 3rd tire because it keeps messing up the tire on that side I noticed yesterday the tire is starting to look bad again. It is also making some really bad sounds when I turn and things it shouldn’t make and hadn’t been making. I am going to talk to my friends husband at the shop see if he can get the parts cheaper and if he can order it when I have the money if he can.

There was something else that happen I was going to tell you all about but I have no clue what it was now. I guess I will be back later if I think of it.



et cetera
%d bloggers like this: