{February 27, 2021}   A Good Month

As some of you know I lost my dad unexpectedly February 8 2015. That was the worst thing ever. I did not take it well and still have a hard time. If you have been around you probably know I am not a big drinker. I had one drink between last February and now.

A few day’s before he passed I started drinking in the morning and drink until that night. I never drink in the morning or even the afternoon for that matter. But I did that day. I was feeling bad about everything and wanted a drink. A drink I had. Jack and coke and whatever else i found. I couldn’t drink anymore by the time my friend came to check on me.

I wish I could say that was the first and only time something like this happened but it wasn’t. It seem to happen every February sins he passed. I can be doing good trying to keep my mind on other things. But it seems to never fail i hit a low low point that month and I binge drink. I go to work go home get ready and go out with friends. I drink until I can’t drink anymore and drink some more after I get sick. I have drink so much I hardly knew what was going on. The couple of years were the worst slowly just got worse.

I thought of it the other day and it is the end of the month and I haven’t drink or even wanted to drink. I haven’t had that major depressed feeling come over me and slowly get worse until I feel like it is consuming me. Until I just don’t care and drink to not feel or think about it.

I have had a ruff week with everything that happen Monday. Between that and the stress of trying to move and dealing with the Bitch. I hardly slept this last week. Few hours here and there and that is interrupted. I have had horrible dreams, nightmares, and just wake up off and on all night. Last night was a hard night. But it was just pure exhaustion from not sleeping. I sit here and just wanted to cry over everything. But I still didn’t want to drink. I finally just turned everything off and cried myself to sleep. I slept a little but still not a lot. Was still up and down all night and a wake at 6am.

I am just happy it has been a much better February than the last 5.

{January 27, 2020}   Tooth Infection

I have not been around much the last week or two because I ended up causing my mouth to get extremely infected. I had a sore spot in the back of my mouth and I thought it was because I had a nerve exposed. I went and bought some of that temporary filling stuff and put where the problem was. I figured that if the nerve isn’t exposed it would stop hurting. I woke up the next day with one side of my mouth swelled up, hurting horribly and infected. I went to go to the doctor and they were not open. They were supposed to be open on Saturday but no one was there anywhere. I started to hold out until Monday but decided not to. I went to the er, to get something for infection. Once I was there they said something about the three day weekend. That is why the doctors weren’t open most likely and would be closed Monday too. Glade I went when I did.

The doctor came in and we figured out that I probably had an abscess and it was draining and I blocked it from draining. It was horrible. They gave me super strong medication and was really worried about it. Said if anything changed to come back take the medications every 4 hours. I did that for days and was so sick from them I stopped taking them. They swelling went down the pain was gone. But then in a couple days it started hurting again. Now it is a mess again and I am trying to get the infection out again.

This morning it was so bad I got a needle and lighter and tried popping the big spot in the roof of my mouth. It was tight and sore that I couldn’t even feel the needle touching it. I stuck it a few times but it didn’t work. I was just about to give up and then decided to give it one last try. All of a sudden I felt it let go and it felt so much better. I am taking the medication and washing my mouth out with mouthwash now to hopefully get the infection under control. I feel a lot better but feel a spot coming up on the outside of my gums in the back. I have never had my mouth this bad before. I can’t stand it. The acid flux has messed my teeth up so bad, I am so embarrassed. I just want to get them all pulled and get dentures but I don’t have the money right now. I would do anything to get this pain and swelling to go away at the moment.

It feels like the spot I made this morning isn’t draining anymore the one on the outside of my gums feels harder and sore. I am at work just tried to pop it again but it didn’t seem to work to well. All I am getting from the one inside my mouth is blood. Not much of that. The other is hard to see and get to I don’t think I did anything to it. The guy here at work asked if I was getting sick. I told him no I have this infection I am trying to get rid of and that I was trying to pop it. He said is it making throw up? I said no just trying to drain it get rid of it. Hope that it will get better soon or I may have to miss work go to get it checked again. I am not going anywhere until I run out of medication. Then I have to because I can’t keep this like it is. I have to get rid of the infection because it is really bad for the heart to have infection in your mouth.

This is the last thing I want to be dealing with right now with all that I have to worry about and get taken care of. I should of just taken the medication like they said but I took it an extra day after I felt better and figured I would be okay it was gone. Most the time I take a few big doses and then I am fine. I have the rest if I need it later. I guess even with this being stronger I can’t do it that way or the infection is stronger than I am use to dealing with. I think that is probably it the infection is worse than I am use to dealing with really that is kind of scary. I have even thought about picking this filling stuff I put in there out to try and get it to drain and go away but I am scared of the pain it may cause and if I can’t get rid of that pain. I think regardless I am going to go Saturday and see if they can send me to the dentist and see if they can get something done. Right now it is my back teeth bothering me so if they can pull them and get this to go away I will let them. I just don’t want my front ones pulled before I can do something about getting some.

But with that I have not been on much I have not felt like doing anything and had to work this whole time dealing with this. I wanted to write the other day and it took me days to get that one post written and posted. I would just about go back to the er if I knew they could do something for me but I know most they can’t because they need pulled. I have taken so much for pain the last couple weeks it is scary. More than I have in years I am sure. I know it isn’t good but I can’t function without it at this point the pain gets so bad just out of no where. I will be fine all day or all night, hours at a time and then all of a sudden it is so bad I am in tears. I hope that something gives soon. I am taking the medication around the clock until it is done no matter how sick it makes me.

{August 22, 2019}   Will Be Back Soon

I have been missing the last week, my mouth/face has been bothering me. I at first thought it was my tooth, but now wondering if it isn’t this place that I was supposed to have removed causing me problems again. I don’t know if you were following then or remember but back the end of 2015 start of 2016 I had some problems and was going to have surgery. You can read about it here Surgery Next Week, Why Not.

At first I thought it was an impacted tooth I have that only half came in. But the last few days I think it is this thing that is causing me problems again. It hurts down in that area and up into my jaw by my ear. I can hardly open my mouth to eat even and it hurts on my cheek below my eye but not as bad as in my jaw and under it. I have TMJ but this is a different kind of pain. It feels like the tissue hurts not the bone or anything like that.

Not a lot going on looking into a new day job and still fighting with the guy over my truck. I will catch you all up on that soon. Hopefully I will be back tomorrow or Monday. Depends how things go.

{March 2, 2019}   An ER Trip

It’s 7:30 am and me and Little Bitty are sitting in a room at the hospital Er waiting to be seen. We have been here since 6 and just now seeing a nurse. Says they have about 15 people in front of us. And of course once we get here she seems fine so we are bumped to the bottom of the list.

The doctor just came in said they are doing bloodwork, x ray, urine and strep test. So we will be here hours more probably. I am supposed to be at work tomorrow to do my 10 hour day there. They are not going to be happy with me. I will tell them i can come in this afternoon and close if they need me to but I need to take care of her and get some sleep. I can hardly hold my eyes open. I just want to pick her up and go home. She is upset she is going to need bloodwork wants to go home.


{September 21, 2018}   Anxiety Attack

Here I lay almost 4:30 am again. I went to sleep early slept pretty good. Then some reason I woke up. Now I can’t sleep, so I am laying here thinking about everything. Really thinking about it and my chest is hurting. My heart feels tight and restricted. Its hard to breath. Not use to that feeling, not one I get to offten. I don’t like it, I have sharp pain in my back when I breath. It hurts so bad on the right side.

I don’t know why Sleeping Baeuty has been on my mind heavey the last 30 mins or so. I feel like I should message him but we haven’t talk since the 6th. I messaged him he didn’t respond. But for whatever reason I feel I should right now but I know he is sleeping. Should be anyway. I don’t know what to say.

Wish this pain in my back would go away and my chest would stop feeling this way. Guess I am going to go listen to the thunder and try to sleep. Very busy at work tomorrow.

{June 9, 2018}   ER With Little Bitty Again

Sitting in the ER again with Little Bitty. She woke me up at 3:45/4am rolling in pain telling me her stomach hurt really bad something was wrong. She tried to go back to sleep and couldn’t. Then she started puking. It wasn’t like I ever seen before, it was very thick and no water or anything. She was having a hard time getting it out. She still laid down tried to sleep again had to get up in no time to be sick. We decided to come to the hospital because this is the 2nd time in a month or so that she has been in pain and sick like this. She was sick on the way here and again since we got here. They just finally gave her something to keep her from getting sick again and did an x ray.

They seem to act as if it is just no big deal or a stomach bug. But something isn’t right, she shouldn’t keep doing this and now when she is getting sick its dinner from last night still coming back and its been about 12 hours since she had dinner. Never has she been sick in the night like that and it be like that. That late this early in the morning it is just liquid. I told the nurse she seem think it was a little off but said some peoples is just slower. But not her she is never that way.

I am so tired of being ran around not getting amswers.

We are both so tired and just want to sleep. I am supposed to be at work in 6 hours and I have a sick kid and a few hours of sleep. By the time we get to go home it will be time to get things done to go to work. If she isn’t puking and resting I am okay to go to work. But if she is still in pain or puking I can’t. I am so tired I don’t know if I will make it by noon.  I am waiting for it to get a little later I am going to get a hold of the other girl who goes in at 5 and see if she can go in at 12 and I can go at 5, just trade shifts. It is about the same hours. I am switching with her next week so she can be with her dad for fathers day. I pray she does or that they will be slow enough that the girl who comes at 1 can cover on her own. Then I can go in later and take over for her and let her go home early if she wants. She is supposed to close. But may like to go early then I could still get some hours at least. The boss don’t care as long as everything is covered and we have enough people if it is busy. I need a few more hours of sleep that is for sure.

{February 4, 2017}   Guess I am Headed to The ER

I was woke up out of a dead sleep in pain and sick this morning around 830. I ran to the bathroom and had to go and started getting sick. I had a horrible pain in my side around my gallbladder. It has been hurting for a few weeks or more now but I haven’t been sick or anything like that. Just a constant dual hurting. I figured maybe the stone is moving around in there. This morning it has been stabbing smashing pains that come and go with it and when I get them I have to run to the bathroom. I ate late last night but no food is coming up just dry heaves like or whatever they call it as just green, yellow and clear stuff was coming up. I was in and out of the bathroom about 5 times in 30 minutes or less. I finally was able to just lay down and go back to sleep for a little bit but then the kids kept coming in and bothering me and shaking my bed. I had the people coming to drop the furniture off and my friend who was supposed to come over this morning. I was just trying to wait for her to get here. I figured maybe she could watch the kids why I rested. I got sick a few more times and then they called said they were almost here to drop the furniture and she wasn’t here yet.

The kids moved everything but the tv and the table it sits on. I told the guy it needed to go there and it needed to be moved. They didn’t offer to move it I figured maybe he was going to get the other guy to help him. They come back wanting to put part of the couch down. I said could you all moved the table and tv to the other side of the room just where ever? I told them I woke up this morning with a horrible gallbladder attack and couldn’t not be picking up on it if they wanted to just sit the tv in the floor over there and sit the table over there would be fine. I didn’t need them to hook it all up. They just moved the tv and table all at once. I about freaked I don’t know how they didn’t drop the tv off the table. I they moved it nothing happen so I didn’t say anything. I figured well they are moving it they drop it they can replace it or I will just send the stuff back. I know they do more than move a little table and a tv when they go to peoples houses to drop stuff off it wasn’t like it was a big deal. Me and my oldest could have moved it with no problems I just couldn’t pick it up because of being sick.

I finally called my friend she wasn’t even ready to head this way and was talking about having to hurry home because of stuff she had to do so I just told her I was sick and to come tomorrow or something. I text Father of The Year to see what he was doing so he could sit with the kids or what. I ask what he was doing he said he had to clean, his go to anytime you ask him something. Then said he was laying there getting ready to get up. I told him I was hurting and sick he didn’t say anything. I told him I needed to go to the ER and he just didn’t say anything. My mom tried to call me 3 or 4 times while I was trying to text him and I felt like I was going to have to run to the bathroom. I told her I call her in a little bit then he is telling me she really needs to talk to me and wants me to call her. I said look I just told you I am fucking sick and need to go to the hospital not that anyone cares I will call her when I can. I had to run to the bathroom again. I finally called she was wanting to know about money I owe my Grandma. I know I do I have it taken care of I’m sick but this is what they are worried about. I told him he needed to come take care of the kids I had to figure out how to get to the hospital because I can’t drive myself getting sick like I am. In a while he says ok he can come get them he needs to run to the store he can drop me off at the hospital.

It’s been hours I am hurting and been sick I don’t know how many times since he just called and said he is on his way home from about 20 miles south of me, he is headed home for a minute and then he will be here. He lives 8 miles or so away from me but went where ever first. He said he had to take my mom to get something to eat and dropping her off the other stores there was some problem with so they ended up at the one 100 miles away from home.

They keep talking about if this is the stomach bug going around and all this. I told her it is not the stomach bug that is going around my stomach don’t hurt at all I don’t feel sick like anything is wrong at all. I just have this pain in my side and it’s causing me to get sick. I want to eat and think I would be fine to eat but I keep getting sick when I get this pain. I don’t want to eat and then have it all come back. I drank some tea about 15 minutes ago and it hasn’t come back and my stomach isn’t bothering me since I drank it. But it wasn’t before it is whatever this is in my side. I think gallbladder since they said I had a stone before. As long as I lay down and don’t get up and move around to much it don’t hurt as bad and I don’t feel like I am going to be sick to much. The more I am up and moving around the more it hurts and then I start feeling sick. The only one who would have been here as soon as I called and taken me and sat with the kids is my friend R and she don’t have a car and been sick too but she would have came. I would have had to go out of my way to pick her up bring her back and then go to the hospital. I don’t know what they may do to me there so I don’t know if I could drive myself when I leave there if I took myself. If I can make it without getting sick or being in to much pain to drive. I just want to sleep I sleep pretty good last night. Sitting here now writing this I feel it pushing on my side the way I am sitting and it is starting to hurt bad again. I am going to get off here find something to put on so that I can go when he gets here. I will update when I can. Praying it isn’t something they have to operate on but worried it is since the stone didn’t pass before like they thought. I don’t know how I feel about it all right now I am just a little numb to it all and aggravated with everything. I take everyone everywhere lend them money everything and I need to go be seen and can’t get there to be seen or someone to even sit with the kids. I just don’t know what to think or feel or anything else at this point.

{February 5, 2016}   Still No Doctor

They told me two weeks ago I needed to get in and get this lymph nod and whatever is on it taken out. They said to get in to see a doctor right away and get a referral. They even said if I got a referral to this doctor she would see me and do the surgery right a way. Well I went that day even after not sleeping hardly and got the referral. Then I call the office to see when I could go in and they tell me no they can’t see me. I called and called around looking for a doctor to see me that went to one of the hospitals I wanted to go to and couldn’t find one. The only one I found would not see me in office only if they admit me and the insurance will not let them do that. I finally found one that will see me it took them a while to get a new referral because they can’t use the one I have they have to have one sent right from the doctor. Then they asked if I had xrays. I told her I had the CT and blood work in the hospital. She had to send to get them from the doctors office. They called told me the soonest they could get me in was the 18th. Great whats 2 to 4 more weeks of pain. Then they call me back yesterday and tell me the doctor looked at the test it’s self not just the report and feels that I need to go to an ENT not there so they are not going to see me. They said to call my doctor back and have them find me and ENT or find one and then call and have them send yet another referral and my test to them and wait for them to get in and decide what to do.

I was out with my grandma while she was getting test and things yesterday and did not get home in time to call around. I did get a few minutes to call one and they will  not see me either. I just tried to call the one that my oldest seen and they are not open today past 12. So now I have to wait until Monday and call. I hope they take it I am not crazy about him he don’t have the best bedside manner but he knows his stuff and is really good. He is just very straight forward blunt and do the point with things. I like that but at the same time with a doctor I don’t know there is just something about it.

This thing feels like it is swollen bigger to me. My mom says my neck looks swollen all the way around. but there is only the place on the right side still. I think the other is the thyroid is enlarged more, I think it was before and went down because I was swollen a lot the first time I went in and they didn’t listen to me. But they are more worried about the lymph nod right now because they said the thyroid wouldn’t make the lymph nod do this and they feel it is bothering the thyroid not the other way around. I have the paperwork I am supposed to go get the thyroid tested again in a month or two. But they thought I would have this out and be healed up by then. It looks like I will just be getting this taken care of.

I just wish the pain would go away. My mom telling me well the pain is going to come back if you don’t take the meds like they told you. I keep telling her the meds did not make the pain go away I walk around in pain everyday from it. Some days are worse than others and a lot of days by the time night rolls around I am in bad pain again. She even went so far as to say I was making it up and  not in as much pain as I claimed to be the other week. I think I haven’t been in as much pain as I was to start with because some of the swelling around it has went down. But now that it is starting to swell more it is starting to hurt more and worse. Even the therapist said yesterday when I took my son in that you can still see it but I look a lot better than I did the week before that I looked really ruff the week before. She laughed she said not saying anything but that you could really tell you were miserable and it was bad.

I still hate the idea of being cut open and having this thing cut out but. the pain trumps it all.

{January 2, 2015}   Not Feeling Good

As you all know from past post such as (Depression Has Come To Stay) I have dealt with depression for about half my life from the time I was about 14 years old. Sometimes it is way worse than others. Most the time I can keep it at bay enough that I can live and function and feel pretty good. If I stay a way from triggers. My biggest trigger is feeling trapped in a situation and not having the help from the people who are around who should be shouldering some of the weight and doing their part.

Like all this with father of the year has really been setting it off the last few months I keep pushing and fighting against it telling myself it is only for a couple more months. But it is getting harder and harder to keep living like this when I can’t do anything right now to work on getting out of it. I have to wait until I get money in a few months and do it all at once time. I feel like I am not doing anything to get myself out of it. I think about not being able to do anything get help going after RC until I get this here taken care of and everything it just makes it worse.

Now with all the news and things the last few days I don’t know how long I can keep it at bay. I am sitting on the couch writing this and haven’t been here very long. I had to make myself get out of bed and come out here with the kids. Everything seems to be grating on my nerves. My back and things have been really bothering me I have just felt tired the last few weeks but the last few days I have been feeling so fatigued my whole body feels so heavy when I move. I feel like I am carrying around a load of blocks. I’m always burning up and hot my air has never sat at 76. Most the time it is around 79/80 and higher. My heart hurts my a lot today. I feel the squeezing tightness around it like it is being mashed. In turn makes my head hurt and feel even more tired than I already do. I already just wanted to roll over and go back to sleep when I open my eyes and it was a fight to keep them open.

I have so much I need to get done I need to go to the meat market and the store for something I don’t even remember what now. I was just talking to the kids about it today. oh well. I guess when I think of it I will do it if I can or feel like it.

It different just talking to everyone now because they all want to know how I am doing if I’m ok and waiting for some major reaction or something I don’t know. They know I am so very close to my dad and that this is going to be hard. My mom keeps calling me and telling me I can come over, my friend keeps texting me and asking how I am doing. Father of the years keeps making comments and saying he is sorry and things. He trying to get “close” like I am going to change my mind about him or something. He keeps calling me Hun and act like he was going to hug me last night. I just went to bed. He just don’t get it.

He did at least talk to them at work today so he says. I am still not sure if he did. But he text me this morning when he was there and was talking to me. said he was waiting to talk to them then. He asked me if I had ask him to fight it. I told him he isn’t treatable what is he going to fight? I also told him that he knows this isn’t going to be easy for me and that I am dealing with a lot and it is going to be worse when something happens. That if he don’t talk to them at work or it becomes a problem when something happens that I am going to have a lot to say to everyone. I’m not going to put up with no bs game they try to play. So he better handle it up front.

He said he did they said to just keep them updated how things were going and things. That it wouldn’t be a problem taking time off when he needed to and things. We will see.

et cetera
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