4:30 A.M. Why am I Awake?

I fell a sleep around 10 and woke up about an hour and half ago. I was wide awake and still am. I been messing around reading old post and things.

Looking back reading old post from when I started this blog really in 2012 I can not believe how bad thing’s really were. I can not believe how bad the abuse really was. I know I posted not long ago talking about it. But man I don’t know something about reading those post after being completely out of the situation and him not being around anymore. Thinking about how life has been to what it was. It is mind blowing to think I lived that. That really was my life.

I think no wonder I feel the way I do when I see him. No wonder I got so sick and upset when he walked into court the first time after he had stepped out of the picture.

I was reading a post about a big fight we had in front of people. One of very few and the worse of them that anyone seen. I read this that I had written……….

“He knows he kind of has me in a corner because of my kids. I am not going to risk doing anything that would make them maybe give them to him when we go to court.”

I was saying in the post anyone else talked to me or treated me that way it would of been a hands on fight. But with him my kids are at risk. So I just took it and moved on all those years. This fight was just days before our court date for the divorce. When I filed he got super bad for awhile. Between that and being with someone else and happy just enraged him.

Reading all those I just felt my anxiety kick in overdrive in seconds. My heart racing and the fear, the fight or flight. My head hurts my heart hurts and I feel sick to my stomach. It amazes me the reaction I have just laying here in my bed under the covers so warm and comfortable. Knowing he isn’t around and that stuff isn’t going on anymore. I shouldn’t of read those because now who knows how long I will be awake. At least until I calm down some. I almost want to cry just thinking about it.

Anxiety Attack

Here I lay almost 4:30 am again. I went to sleep early slept pretty good. Then some reason I woke up. Now I can’t sleep, so I am laying here thinking about everything. Really thinking about it and my chest is hurting. My heart feels tight and restricted. Its hard to breath. Not use to that feeling, not one I get to offten. I don’t like it, I have sharp pain in my back when I breath. It hurts so bad on the right side.

I don’t know why Sleeping Baeuty has been on my mind heavey the last 30 mins or so. I feel like I should message him but we haven’t talk since the 6th. I messaged him he didn’t respond. But for whatever reason I feel I should right now but I know he is sleeping. Should be anyway. I don’t know what to say.

Wish this pain in my back would go away and my chest would stop feeling this way. Guess I am going to go listen to the thunder and try to sleep. Very busy at work tomorrow.

Not Sure What I am Feeling

Its one of those days where I have no idea what I am feeling or what to do or how to fix anything. I don’t feel stressed unless I sit and really start thinking about the bills and what is due how much I owe out. Then I feel my anxiety start to climb. Other than that if I just don’t think about it I don’t feel anything at all. I know I should be up doing something and that I need to be looking for a job but I can’t make myself get up and do it today. The thought of going and applying and interviews and being turned down not called back and the expectations of these jobs and the next to nothing pay the want for all that they want. It all stresses me makes my anxiety 100x worse, I feel like I am going to start having panic attacks again between trying to find a job and keep up with everything. I feel like it is a never ending battle I am to the point of everything is so far gone and such a mess why even try. Just lay here and do nothing and let whatever is going to happen happen. We have to move okay, if the lights go off or whatever. I feel like I have tried for 5 years and failed why keep trying. It does no good to ask for help because there is always an excuse or reason where ever i go whatever i try to get help with or for no matter how simple or big it is. I am okay with doing nothing and whatever happens just happens.

I have no idea what will happen if all that happens nor at this point do I care. I don’t want to be the responsible one all the time anymore i truely feel at this point I no longer can and it feels like a huge weight lifted to think that I wouldn’t have to be anymore. I feel like I could breath i don’t feel like I am dying a slow painful death.

Guess i better go get the kids at school.

At a Standstill

I feel like my whole life is at a standstill right now. I have no idea what to do or where to go to make anthing happen or what I should do first. I feel like I am just keeping myself from sinking and I am slowly losing that. I want to move, i want to date find someone to be with, i want to find a better job, i want my mother out of my house. I need to redue my house get new stuff for it. I have no idea where to start. I have no money for anything. I just want to run away from it all. I am so over dealing with it all. I just don’t want to anymore. I just want to go to sleep not wake up or go to sleep and things be better. I know none of that is going to happen. I just wake up and hate life and dread getting out of bed and then get back in it as soon as I get home. My biggest problem for me right now is my house. It should be the one place i can go get away and relax and it isn’t anymore. It is causing me as much stress as everything else. A huge reason is my mother being here and the other needing new beds and things. So we can live normal again. I can’t get her out and have no money to buy the things we need. I have let it get out of hand because of the stress of dealing with her. Hopes she would leave as well and because im tired or caring and doing and trying. If i was to get with my friend or Sleeping Beauty i wouldn’t want them to come over or move in until i could get everything in order here. I feel like i can’t do anything until i get her out.

I feel if I am going to start over here why waste my time, why not just go somewhere else. But then how? Where? I even thought if i got with one of them just moving if or once we decided to move in together. But that be crazy for us to do here because we will not find anything cheaper than where I am. Unless we move away.

I did not get money i expected to get the first so now i am further in the hole spending money i don’t have. Who knows how long it will take to get this fixed.

I am still laying in bed its after 12. I should be up taking care of stuff but my 5 yr old is snuggled beside me still as well. Makes it to easy to stay. I don’t work today so why not. I need a shower to fix my hair enroll kids in school fix the money thing and take care of the things i can and that have to be. But i still lay here.

Mr.To Broken is Really Broken

Bff told me the other day that she had talk to Mr. To Broken and that he is bad. She said he was of course telling her about these two different girls he is in love with. He is so stressed about what one to go with or what. She said that I am sure has changed it always does.

But he told her his parents stepped in took the kids away. He only has them 25% of the time he is supposed to have them and that is it. Because they said he needs to get some kind of help and that he has problems. The kids did not need to be around it.

I said I been saying it all for 6/7 months now and no one listen to me. He has some problems that are not just talk joke move on or what problems. We all get mad vent or what. But his are much worse than that and need more than that. He has been seeing someone but it is not working. He needs more. Really i feel he needs to be in an in somewhere for a bit where he can’t do anything but work with someone on all that is going on. If he don’t get over this obbssion of having to have someone in order to live and be happy it isn’t going to get any better.

I hope he gets the help he needs and can really be happy in life and be a good dad to his kids. I talk to him by messenger the other night told him i wanted to start making him payments on the money. He said whatever. He had the kids was busy. I saod okay. Let me know when you can meet. Haven’t heard from him since.

 

Separation and Abandonment Anxiety

I hope that Father of the Year is having himself a grand time living it up with his whore. Because why he is I am here trying to comfort my Big Guy Mr.6 through his anxiety attacks. He has been extra sensitive and tonight went into full blown attack. I don’t know if you remember back when my dad passed a few years ago we dealt with this. Well he been doing really good the last year, I hadn’t even thought about them. Between the dog and Father of the Year they are back and maybe worse than before. It really sucks because I don’t know what to do for him.

They are doing a deep cleaning of their room because they have let it get way out of hand thinking that someone else would come in there and clean it for them if they just didn’t do it long enough. Not happening I been telling them for to long to do it now it’s getting deep cleaned. Well he had a pair of old shoes that are wore out really laying there and the guine pigs dumped stuff all over them. I told them in passing to throw them away. Not worth trying to save and keep or give anyone. He has new Star wars shoes, I don’t even know the last time he wore them. Soon as I said it he went into full blown attack, no, no, please don’t get rid of them I have to keep them on his knees begging me to keep them not to get rid of them. I finally told him I would buy him a new pair of he would please just get rid of those they were really yucky. To that he agreed because then he will have them to help him remember them and to have.

For him it is about remembering things and being close to things. He is a very hands on touching hugging loving on you kid. When he gets this way he can’t get rid of anything because he don’t want to forget it, so if he has it then he won’t forget it. When it was my dad it was easier to explain and help him than it is with this. With grandpa he was upset he hadn’t called him or wrote him a letter like he thought he would and we didn’t get to go see him. We explained that where grandpa was he couldn’t write letters or call and that grandpa didn’t want to leave him that he was really sick and the sickness wouldn’t go away and he died that he would much rather be here with him but he didn’t get to pick. We explained that grandpa wasn’t sick anymore and he felt good and we should be happy about that for grandpa. Because we wouldn’t want grandpa here just so he could be with us if he was sick and hurting and thing. Once we explained it to him and we talked about it he got a lot better. Like I said he wasn’t having them anymore.

But now how do you explain to a 6 year old that their daddy choose to not have anything to do with him? How do you explain that and make it okay? You can’t it is’t okay and there is no way to make it okay. It’s just not something that is going to ever be okay. He knows his daddy is choosing not to have anything to do with him. He knows that he could call and don’t, he knows he could come see him and don’t. He knows that he choose to change his phone number and not give it to use so we can’t call him when he wants to. They didn’t often but there were times they would call him for different things. He has a field trip coming up next week and kindergarten graduation coming up next week, I am sure he wants to tell him all about it and for him to come but he can’t. I can’t take my truck and go so I was going to borrow his to go with him now I can’t even go with him, I don’t even have the money now i had to use it for other things we needed. I let something else go to be able to pay for his trip so he could go. The big kids school paid for their trip I came up with enough money to pay for a small lunch for them.

I do not know what to do for him or how to help him, I know telling him I would get another pair of shoes wasn’t the right thing to do. But what was I supposed to do for him after all that he has been through and going through? I couldn’t sit there and watch him cry his eyes out like he was and beg on the floor. I know it isn’t over the shoes at all but he is holding on to all that he can he feels so lost and out of control I am sure. I am worried because next week is the last week we see their therapist that they go to. She is moving out of state, they will still see her through telehealth but I know that isn’t going to be the same for Big Guy. I hope it don’t make things worse for him.

I am so mad at Father of the Year right now over this more than any of it I think. Knowing how he is and knowing he already had problems with this in the past he cares about nothing but himself and sex. Because that is what it all boils down to. From what I can tell they are still sleeping in the truck and staying in the truck. Not sure if I said this the other day or not. But she is not on line all day so I am guessing he didn’t get her a phone, I am not sure if he got himself one or not. I think they are still staying in the car because she gets on line about the time he would be going into work and she is on all night until the time he gets off. It isn’t like he leaves for work and she gets on or he gets home from work and she gets off. Its with in minutes of when he should be in the lot at work she is on and with in minutes of the time he would be leaving work she is off and she is off at break time and then right back on soon as he goes back in. If they had a place or even a motel room she would be on more because they have wifi.

I just want to find them, they are lucky I don’t have extra money to spend right now. My friend keeps telling me to let it be there is a time and place and theirs will come around. But I am so angry about what he is doing to my kids. All that I have put up from him over the years to not do something like this to them, all the things he has done to me and I still bend over backwards to let him be in their life and let them have him around, and he goes and pulls some shit like this, it is done it is over it will come around.

Just Want A Normal Life

I just want to feel like I have a half way normal life. Not like everything is a mess and something else is about to fall apart any minute. Really right now everything is a mess and one thing after another keeps happening. I have been feeling a lot better since everything happen January and February. I feel I am able to move on a function again. But for the last few weeks I feel like I spend most days fighting back tears. Before I even realise it I’m in tears or about in tears. It just seems to happen randomly whatever I’m doing where ever I’m at. I noticed when I was working last weekend I was having trouble too. I had to go to a bunch of condo’s out on the beach to deliver flowers and they all had these little tiny elevators, it was all I could do to force myself to get in them and go up and then to come back down. I don’t like the little ones but will get one them. I really had to force myself to to get on them.

I was talking to my mom about it we were laughing and things. She hates them she will take the stares before she will get on one. I was almost in tears just talking to her about it. Thinking about having to go back the next day and deliver more.

I been thinking about it the last few days and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before or know what was wrong but I am starting to have panic and anxiety attacks again. When everything is going on there are some things that I don’t like or care for that I just do and don’t bother me to much, but when I have them some of the same things set me off. Like the day after my dad passed we had to take my son to get his cast off and we got inside had to get on the elevator I couldn’t get on. I had to wait for father of the year to come inside and go up with us. I had a problem on one when we were going down to surgery they got us in and hit the button and after a few minutes we weren’t moving. It got to me. I think it bothers me more then because I don’t like being locked in and closed in but then when my like this it just feeds it.

I don’t know why I have started having them lately. It’s been a really long time since I had them. I use to have them all day everyday and just cry and cry. I think because I can’t find a job, trying to get everything straight and get in school. Then father of the year being such a ass fighting me on the divorce and pushing trying to take the kids and not helping take care of them. I got the rent covered and some paid on the bills but it is all going to run out in a few weeks and then I have no clue what to do from there. My mom wants me to move in with them I can’t do that. I can’t live with father of the year again for any reason. Not just because of me but because of my kids as well. My little guy keeps asking when daddy is coming home it would just confuse him more than to move again, it isn’t right to any of them. He shouldn’t be going through this now. If everything hadn’t happen the way it did it wouldn’t be odd that he isn’t here.

I just feel everything is out of control and I can’t get any of it under control. The house got messy through December when we were trying to get things done for the holidays. Mostly there at the end the last few weeks, days. Then we went right into New Years and found all this out about my dad New years day. To say the least from that point on the house was the least of my worries. So it slowly went from being messy or stuff being out of places disorganised to full blown wreck everything is out of place and turned upside down. Least for the most part it is clean. Other than the floors really need to be mopped right now. I have been avoiding it because even as soon as your done mopping them they don’t look clean I hate mopping. It’s all tile from one end of the house to the other, I think tile is one of the worse things you can put in a house. Other than the floors everything just needs gone through and gotten rid of and moved to it’s right place since we have moved stuff all around as well.

But I feel like I can’t even get a grip on the house much less everything else. I feel like I can’t get past the cooking, mopping, washing clothes, bathrooms, and over all picking up everyday stuff to tackle the rest of the stuff that needs to be done. We got the outside picked up for the most part there are still little things out there to be done but not much. I just wish I could have a few days without the kids and other things to do and someone to help me just once and for all go through this and get it done.

Even the kids I feel I have lost control of them and can’t get it back. They have chores we set up a while back they are supposed to do. Some every daily some weekly. They just refuse to do them. No mater what I say, do, take away, give, don’t give they just act as if I didn’t say anything and do nothing. Then they complain to father of the year they have to do chores they have to clean the house and do it all. Their chores consist of……

Washing drying folding and putting away their own clothes once a week or as needed, washing their sheets and blankets once a week, one dose the dishes each day through out the day the other vacuums they house once a day, they have to help pick up the stuff around the house that gets laid around, pick up dry up the bathroom when they get out of shower, keep their rooms picked up, feed the dogs take them out, do their school work.

Most of this is pretty simple common since pick up keep up after yourself. The other is your part of a family it’s a lot to keep up with a house and no one person should have to do it on their own so everyone chips in and helps. They agreed to the chores and helped decide who did what with some of them because they didn’t want to take turns doing them.

Now when I tell them to do them they just walk off, whine complain or ignore me. Like they shouldn’t have to do anything. I get so mad but whatever I try to get them to do them don’t work they could careless. I almost feel like I am still living with father of the year because they are starting to act just like him. Of course they have learned from the best what else should I expect. I get to the point that if they don’t care and want to live in a mess then why should I care and pick it all up and do it all after them? But I can’t stand the mess and it just makes me mad. I end up just going to my room.

I just don’t know how to get any of it back under control. Between that and the stress of everything else it is no wonder I would start having them again.

 

The Joys Of Family

I wrote the other night about my grandma moving back in with us and how she is. Well today my mom calls me in there and tells me that my grandma has decided she is going to go home but isn’t saying when. First off I told her I am not spending time packing her stuff and taking down there. We brought it up here when they moved in and then it went back now we brought it up here again and this time she is going to have to have some of them come get it. She isn’t going to stay and I’m over this back and forth and no one doing anything.

But that means that come the first of March our rent goes to $800 it was supposed to be $400 and light bill. We been paying $500 all the lights and water plus buying anything and everything else that came in the house including food. Now we will be paying $800 plus all that if she leaves. I’m not happy about it. I let them stay with me they paid hardly anything. But also they call their self helping us out. They aren’t helping us out because if they were we wouldn’t be paying so much. I don’t mind helping out but the rent don’t go up or down because we are here. I wouldn’t mind paying the lights and water. But when we are paying everything and then can’t have anything and was lied to from the start it pisses me off.

After she told me this I didn’t say much I told her I had to get a place she wants us to stay here a couple more months if she leaves to help her and so she can work on renting her room. I don’t think we will find anything before sometime in March by the time we get our tax money. I guess we will see. But I didn’t think about it until we went to our storage today I can’t pay all that and pay for my room. There is no room here to bring stuff and I refuse to lose anymore of my stuff I have lost enough. I called and told her I can not pay everything and my storage and that the first of the month I was taking the rent part of my money and paying my storage up with it so that it will be paid the months we are there paying everything. She didn’t like it but like i told her if I move I won’t have to pay that and will have a bigger place my own place and things. If I don’t I will have the room and have to pay it and won’t be able to. She just said she knew.

I figure now it will be that she is going to stay and all this. I am still taking my money for February and paying it up. Because she could leave at anytime. I will tell her that if she don’t leave then I will give her and extra $100 to pay toward it or I may must tell her that I will give her $400 when I move if she don’t go and is still here and we don’t end up paying all of everything. But I can’t pay her because she is here and then her up and leave.

My mom has been sick and hurt her back now she needs both knees replaced from where she fell down so she hasn’t been able to work. If she hadn’t lied and we hadn’t come over here when we did she wouldn’t have been able to keep this place. If we all leave now she won’t. She don’t want to go stay with us where ever we go because she don’t like the area where I want to move. I don’t know what she is going to do but they better figure it out I hope to have something by the middle of March still anyway. If I can work it how I want I will be able to get me and the kids something with out anyone staying with me. Then father of the year can stay here with her and I can be done with it. It may sound harsh but after all the shit she has done and the way she dose I can’t help it anymore.

Another Long Talk

The older two kids went to VBS Monday night so it was just me and ex home with the baby and my boy. Ex was acting funny I could tell he had something he wanted to say or talk to me about. I can just tell with him. I fianily asked him what he wanted to say or talk about. He said nothing at first. Then he told me he had been thinking about us and what happen and how he put work and everything before me and things we were supposed to do. He said he see’s now that even though he didn’t cheat on me with someone else it was like cheating because he was spending time he should have been spending with me working for other people or working because they needed extra help. He said that he seen how just because other people he knew went through worse things then us and stayed together that what is worse to one person may not be to another and that it isn’t about what he did it was about how it hurt me and how it made me feel. Then he wanted to still know if there was any way I would give him another chance and things. I told him no that there had been things done that should have never been done and that I can’t just forget about them even if I forgive. He wanted to know what I was talking about so I told him. It was very hard to talk about and I could tell he didn’t take it very well. A few times he tried to make excuses. I just told him that he could say what he wanted but he knew what he was doing and he knew how I felt about it at the time and he didn’t care. That even if he really didn’t and really felt he hadn’t done nothing wrong intentional it was still done it still had a very large effect on me and that I could not take him back and give him any more chance.

Like I told him you spend 7/8 years with someone you build a relationship with them you build a bond and a trust that you have with no one else. This is the one person in your life that you should be able to go to with anything and everything no matter what. This is the one person who should be there and protect you you should never have to worry about them hurting you. And that when they do the things he did that it completely shatters that trust that bond that relationship that you can’t just move on pick up and move on or anything like that. I told him how what he did has effected me since splitting up and how it is always there and always on my mind. That I don’t know if I really ever want to have a relationship again between what he done and then what RC did on top of it. But mostly what I was dealing with that he had done. I don’t know that I want to ever let someone that close to be able to hurt me like that again. I don’t know if I could ever let someone in and that close again even if I wanted to.  I told him that’s why I flinch if he touches me. I’m not doing it I don’t even notice that I do it until he says something. That’s part of why I want out of here so bad and why I don’t want to be around him. I just have a very uneasy felling when I am around him. I am always on edge when around him anymore. It is a very hard feeling to explain

I told him if it was just the him and work thing I may have stayed longer and tried to work it out but with the other I could never do that again.

I would have posted this sooner but something is wrong with my net and I can only get on sometimes. Other times all I can get on  facebook. I did a lot of this from my phone but had to wait until I logged in to fix it and do everything before I posted it. This was last Monday evening 7/15/2013

 

So Much Going On

So I sold my truck today. Got way less than what it was worth or what I could have gotten out of it if it had been running. But I need the money for the kids for Christmas and to pay a bill. Not much left to work with for Christmas but at least I can get them something. I could cry I guess I have I have done nothing but cry just about all after noon. I really liked that truck and wanted to keep it. I like it way better than mine and would have sold mine if I had the money to get the other one running and the things it needed fixed on it. It is a better truck over all I feel but I had to do what I had to do. I sit back and look at where I am right now and all that I have been threw this year and just can’t believe that I am where I am. But can see why and see that it is all my fault and that I made a really big mistake and boy am I paying for it now. I will be paying for it for a very long time but this is probably the worse it could get. All though I say that and it only gets worse. My friend keeps saying it can only get better from here right but I truly don’t feel that way. I sure can’t think that way because it never does it just gets worse every time I think it is looking up. I keep coming here and writing and probably pretty much just rambling but I don’t know what else to do. All I can do is think about everything and try to figure out what to do and where to go from here. I am so tired and so wore out so exhausted from all this. All I want is a home for my kids I feel so bad that they are suffering for mistakes I have made the last few month. It isn’t fair to them and all because I thought someone cared. I thought that we were going to be together and have a place and family. If things had worked out like they were supposed to then we wouldn’t be in this mess and we would have a home. I have been looking for a job but it is hard to do not having a place to stay and the kids settled down. I have no where for them to be watched at and they would pretty much need to be watched in my home the hours I need someone. I need to call the man about my other house he says he can get us help moving and money to help us move. I’m supposed to call him by tomorrow and see what he can do. I don’t know what he can do or how much he can give us. I have heard anywhere from $1000 to $5000 and around $3000 if we stay in the area we are in more if we go out of state. But right now it isn’t the money down and all that we are having problems with. Now we are having problems showing enough income coming in a month. But maybe if I had more to work with right now I could pay a few months more rent upfront and get into something easier. I could tell them I could pay two or three months upfront and then still pay every month and be paid ahead. Then when I get ready to move I can let them know and be ahead a few months and save that money I would pay my rent with for them months to help move on. I am ready to tell this guy to help me move out of state. You get more if you move out of state.