Single___Parent___Life











{July 15, 2020}   A Mental Breakdown

I use to go for months without hitting an extreme low. It also would take a lot to push me to the point of an extreme low. And now I just feel like they are coming closer together and they are coming fast and strong. Since this “pandemic” started and I lost my job. It seems like I will have a few good days, an okay few days and then some dragging days before I fall into the black hole of no hope. I just want to cry and feel hopeless. I can’t even hold back the tears and keep myself from crying hardly. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Then I feel guilty about that because of the kids and JW.

I felt this so deep inside the week leading up to 4th of July all I did was cry. It was hard to hide from the kids and I couldn’t from JW. I would get there to see him just hug him and stand or sit there and cry. I felt bad he kept asking what was wrong. All I could say was I didn’t know.

I didn’t, it wasn’t any one thing or 20 things. Just having to be awake a function was enough to do it. Much less everything else on top of it. I know he was getting a little upset or aggravated with me. But I don’t even know how to explain any of it to him. If you don’t live it and haven’t studied it you just really don’t understand.

I want to explain it to him so he knows what it really is. I think if he understood or really knew he could help me more when I start to feel bad or start to get that way. I don’t know how to tell him. I just tell him my depression gets bad sometimes, sometimes I can’t help it. I don’t know if he could help so much as he wouldn’t say some thing’s he says maybe.

A few times I said I didn’t want to get up I just want to sleep all day. He say’s then do it, you need the rest, you deserve to. The other day I said I was laying here dreading the thought of getting up and functioning. It was already after 2pm maybe closer to 3 and I had not been up yet. He laughed, I just felt worse. I know he didn’t mean anything by it and just seen it as a joke or just off hand just feeling lazy and my way of saying.

But I really felt that way. I felt overwhelmed by the thought of having to get up and function. I felt like I hadn’t slept in 3 days just thinking about getting up. Him laughing made me feel some kind of way.

I need him to tell no I can’t stay in bed, i need him to tell me we have to get things done lets go get it taken care of. I need him to just tell me no get your ass up and get dressed get out of the house. I don’t need him to tell me everything is going to be alright, it’s okay stay in bed, I don’t need him to fix anything or make it better. I just need him to be there, be understanding, kick me in the ass and just hold me and let me cry once in awhile.

My mind goes straight to he didn’t sign up for this, he puts up with enough from you, when he figures out and understands what is going on he is going to leave you. I really don’t think so. But that is how my mind works and the things I think.

I felt so bad I went to my bed before dark and stayed for the 4th. I laid here and cried and felt guilty. I felt guilty for not taking the kids and do stuff. I felt guilty for not going with JW to his friends and taking the kids. I felt guilty because he was 2 doors away and I didn’t want to be with him. Wait I wanted to be with him I just wanted him to be here with me in my bed holding me let me just relax and calm down. I felt guilty for complaining about the fireworks 🎆. Because a good amount were from his friends who were putting them off. But I was just miserable.

I hadn’t felt that bad in an extremely long time. Like probably since I was young and first started dealing with panic attacks, anxiety and depression. It was scary. All I could think was I didn’t want to hurt myself but I wanted something to happen to me. Then I would think I wonder if something did happen how would I feel the last few seconds? Would I be happy because it would all be over? Or would I want to live and not really want to die? Would I even have enough time to think about it and feel anyway about it? Would I know that is what was happening or would I not even know until it happen it was over? Would I feel anyway?

Is that crazy to have such thoughts? I don’t remember ever having such thoughts. I have felt the way I felt and not wanted to function, not been able to get out of bed and things. But never felt it the way I did then. I even went twice looking for father of the year to start shit with him. I wanted him locked up, right now, i wanted him to get his ass beat. I wanted to go off on him for what he has done to my son and the fact my 9 year old son is dealing with a ton of anxiety over him leaving and cutting contact like he did. I wanted to give him hell for being such a sorry SOB. i wanted to go see his grandma. I don’t know why or what I wanted to accomplish or thought I would by doing that but I wanted to go.

I really did not like the way I felt or the thoughts I was having at all. I was even thinking about places to go that could help me or where I could go to get help. I was wondering what they would or could do for me. I was scared to even try or ask because I was scared what they may do or say. I was really scared they may put me in the psych ward. I could not do that. I have been there to visit someone and heard them talk about it. All that would of made it 100x worse. I can’t be locked in searched watched and all that. It would trigger me more than I was already. I was scared they would medicate me more than I really need and with stronger stuff than what I need.

I kept thinking I just needed away from everything. I just needed this and that. Maybe if they kept me I would at least get a break from everything. But knew it would be a bigger mess to deal with once I got out if they did keep me.

I feel better a lot better this week. I’m not real sure why or what snapped me out of it. Thinking about thing’s I don’t really remember last week at all and what went on or happened between the 4th and this past weekend. I just know between then and now is like a 360 degree turn. I hope I don’t go back there again anytime ever again.



et cetera
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