Single___Parent___Life











{March 26, 2019}   To Contact or Not Contact

I am really on the fence about trying to contact RC and see if he will have some kind of relationship with Little Bitty. I feel that the sooner the better for her, than waiting until she is a lot older. But then if he says no or gets nasty then what am I supposed to say or do? I could tell her I haven’t talked to him or wasn’t able to get a hold of him. But I don’t want to lie to her. I would rather not try to contact him than to have to tell her he don’t want to talk to her or lie that I didn’t get a hold of him.

I am debating if I should wait until child support contacts him and see if he tries to contact me or what they say about visitation. I am sure they will do a paternity test as well since he is not on the birth certificate and my divorce had not been granted. I had to send a letter in it asked who I had been with if I was married or gotten married in x time frame and all that. I had to put RC on there and Father of the Year. I know 100% without a shadow of a doubt that RC is the father. He knows as well and told Bff and her husband that he knew that he was as soon as we found out a was pregnant.

But this way he can’t say she isn’t his or anything like that. Then it will just be up to him, is he or is he not going to have a relationship with his daughter. Even if just for right now it is by phone for now.

Another part wants to just call him up or message him and be like hey look this is your daughter, you know this, she is asking about you, wants to know about you and to get to know you. Are you going to step up or just keep being a deadbeat like you have been?

I know I can’t say it just like that and that I have to be careful what I say and how I say it.

Then I worry about how it will effect the other kids and their dad not being in the picture. I wonder how things are going to play out come May when me and him go to court and go over the child support and visitation for the three of them. I don’t know if how that will go over because they do not want to go to his house or have anything to do with his new wife. I know the court isn’t really going to care about that and tell me that I have told them this or that. But you know what they know who has been there and who hasn’t. Oldest knows he has told her what he was going to do and he hasn’t bothered to. I also have their writings from school that their teacher wanted to make sure that I got because of what they wrote. About how mom is always here and mom don’t run away and mom is all they have. I wasn’t there when that was written, I didn’t even know anything about the writing project that they were working on much less know what they wrote until I went to their holiday dinner with them. They were hanging on the wall and I found them and read them. You can read what they wrote here What They Are Thankful For if you haven’t seen it before. This was a dinner he could of came to as well but he had already been gone for months at that time and knew nothing that was going on in their lives.

But I can’t not let her have contact with her dad just because their’s isn’t in the picture. Theirs was for a while when hers wasn’t.

I am going to have to really think about it and figure out what to do. I just feel if I wait it could be another year or more before they get to us and really do anything and we get the test, results, court date and all that. I don’t want to wait years if I am going to do it.



All last week all I wanted to do was eat and I did. I ate anything and everything. I gained 5 lbs. This week has been the same so far and I am not even going to step on the scale again anytime soon. I have been in a funk up and down mood swings lately. I think it is just the time of the year. We are coming up on 4 years my dad has been gone. The first two months of the year are when everything happened. I know I have never fully dealt with it and subconsiully its there even when he isn’t on my mind. Lately he is on my mind all the time.

I have decided I am just going to get through the rest of this month and next month. Then I will worry about where I am and how much I need to lose from there. I have been doing really good this far with little effort it it takes a little to get back on track it’s okay.



{September 14, 2018}   Dads Bring Your Kids To School Day

I get the news letter from the little kids school and it says this month is Dads bring your kids to school day and have breakfast. I am a little confused as to why this is even a thing?

Why are we going to tell dads to bring their kids to school and then bribe them with breakfast to get them there? Why is a dad doing something a parent is supposed to do and that millions of parents everwhere do everyday such a big deal. I get up every morning and walk my two little ones to school along with a bunch of other moms and dads too. I have to say there are just about as many dads who walk or drive their kids to school as there is moms. So why are we having a bring your dad to school day and making such a big deal of it? I never seen them have a moms bring your kids to school day. I know a lot of schools that do the bring dad to school. Bff’s kids school did it last year.

Then the paper goes on to say you can bring gandpa, uncle, big brother, step dad or another important male in your life. So then why call it dads bring your dad to school day? Is this a way for all the single women at the school to try and meet men? Come on is there anything one wouldn’t do to meet a man? Okay okay just kidding. But really I just do not understand what this random day is all about or for.

I wasn’t going to say anything about it then Mr. 8 came home with a paper all about it and came to me all upset that Mr. 13 told him be would not go to school with him that day. Because he don’t get up that early. So we had a talk and be agreed to go with them that day. I will be there too so I am sure I will get looks but I don’t care. I am not going for anything but to watch from the sides. Make sure kids get to school and class.

Even if it is to get dads more involved with school how well does it really work? I know most dads who do not already come may come for this and won’t be back again once it is over. Besides parents can bring their kids to school and sit with them why they have breakfast any day of the week they would like. So again really why do we need a special day to tell dads or a male figure in your childs life to bring them to school and offer brealfast? For that matter you can do this anytime why have a bring anyone to breakfast day?

Even if RC and Father of the Year were in the picture I would find this to be a crazy idea still. Because when Father of The Year took the kids to school or picked them up when he lived close and didn’t have to work. When I lived with RC he always took kids to school be it mine or his. Most of the time he took mine and I took his because mine were so far away and he went right by there on his way go work. And they had to be there earlier than his. He would be late if he had to take his.

Guys bringing their kids to school is not such a uncommon thing that we need to bribe them to get them to do it.

Anyone a teacher or staff at a school who can maybe explain this to me? Because it seems so bazaar that the schools have this. Am I missing something or is it just as bazaar as I do?

 



{September 8, 2018}   Guess Who Never Called

Thats right you guessed it Father Of The Year never called to meet and see the kids. I gave him a time and day. He just had to call confirm it and what park. Did he no didn’t even bother to try. We know he has a phone because boss was trying to message and call him on it. So can’t use that as an excuse. If he didn’t when boss told him he could of used his. He would of let him.



{July 26, 2018}   I Would Get Married Again

I have been thinking about what I want in life, where I want to go, what I want to have, who I want to be with, how I want that relationship to look and work, what I want from it, what I am willing to give.

The thought of so many guys wanting to get married and have kids this late in life. It just still blows my mind. Marriage and having kids are no go for me. They have been deal breakers and no budging on them.

Now thinking about this I can 100% see where RC was coming from with somethings. Back to that later but it just hit like bricks.

I was thinking a lot about what and how much am I willing to put into a relationship. How do I make someone see why I feel that way? Make them see it is not anything to do with them but me and things I been thorough.

Like with these two and others wanting to get married and have a baby. Well one says no now but actions speak louder than words. But I have been thinking about this because it seems to be what guys want. Thinking about the baby and the one. I know how much kids mean to him and he didn’t get to be there for his when they were little. I know how much that bothers him. But I can not give him a baby. And the reasons are along the same lines as to why he wants more. I don’t because of the way my kids have been done by their fathers. Not saying he would do that but I don’t want to put another child through a break up amd broken home. I am not “looking” for a “daddy” for my kids never have been never will be. But one thing regardless is that whomever I end up with is going to have to like my kids and be a part of the family. My kids are to little for me to be the go between for the next 13 years. I want someone it isn’t forced or awkward. That is one thing I liked about Sleeping Beauty he got along with the kids and wanted to do things and talk with them be there for them. You could tell he cared about them. They took to him and liked having him around. I can’t give him a baby but I can give him 4 great kids who care about him and like having him around. That need a strong male roll model in their lives. I can promise him that I am not going to just up and decide that this is not what I want or that he did something to piss me off or find someone else and leave. That if we have a problem I am going to come to him and work it out. They just have to be willing to talk and work it out not run or avoid it. I don’t want to fight I just want to sit down and work it out. I have fought to much in my life I just want to be happy and work things out. So if being a part of a family who is going to truely care about him and wants to have him I can offer that. But I can’t give him a baby.

Now the marriage part I never wanted to do it the first time muchless do I want to do it a second time. But when thinking about all this yesterday it kind of hit me that either one of them could step in and really be there for my kids and be close to my kids. And if it really worked out and things do not improve with their dad they would have them to fill that and that would be fine as long as it came about on its own between them and not forced or pushed. It wouldn’t be, just like when I was with RC. The kids were given their space to decide how and what kind of relationships they had with us. Some warmed up faster than others. But if it came down to it and we really became a tight knitt close family and they took him in as dad and he took them in as his I would consider marrying again. And really making us a family. If their dads didn’t come back into the picture even letting them adopt them. But that would be the only way I would consider getting married again.

Now I can see what RC was talking about getting married and adopting his boys. But we not been together near long enough to consider that at that point. I had to much other stuff to worry about and take care of before we could of gotten to that point. But i see wanting to do that if things are good everyone is close and the other parent isn’t in the picture.  If the kids wanted it.

I am sure it probably would never come to that. But just thinking about things in a different state of mind really lets you see things that maybe you didn’t before or understand them better. Thinking about it does seem that he did really care and wanted more but that his problem did get in the way and her coming in the picture when she did wasn’t a good idea. But everything happens for a reason and maybe like this and other things I will figure it out and where I am supposed to be now.



{February 11, 2018}   Not My Best Week Ever

This past Thursday was 3 years that I lost my daddy to cancer and it wasn’t any easier than the day it happen. I don’t know why I was thinking it was Friday not Thursday and I was kind of mentally trying to prepare myself. It seemed to be working, until I figured out it was Thursday I was wrong. Wednesday was a ruff day, I’m not sure why, I went did my prints for my background check, for my internship and then to my therapy appointment at 1. I went with a friend to lunch in between then went to the shop. I was just not in a good mood just really down feeling as the day went on. I went right in at the shop and started pulling everything apart and cleaning. I did all the rugs and pulled them up tossed them outside and did the floors all around, then brought the rugs back in laid them out and did them again and put everything up and away. After that I just sat there listening to music and looking for jobs on youtube. I had text her about the job I interviewed for.

In a little while the boss came in said he was leaving I started to get up to get my stuff together and go he said the other guy was going to lock up about 4:30 and left. I thought he was going to lock the office up before he left but he was just telling me he was leaving for the day. I just sat there thinking about things and not really doing much of anything. By the time I left I was in tears. In a little bit he came in said he was locking up ask if I was ready and set the alarm. I grabbed my bag and went out. I stopped outside the door to close my bag he seen I was upset. He was asking me what was wrong? He was calling me he said you know I love you? Do you need to talk? I said no I love you too x I’m okay. He hugged me and we started walking out to the fence to lock it up and go to where the cars are all parked. He was saying is it this, that, boyfriend? Kids? If you need to talk I am here. I said it’s okay just stuff from the past. He said okay and we went on. I figured the bosses wife would be calling me to see what was wrong she is my BFF and he lives with them. He is one of the kids and he gets worried about everyone or if something is wrong. I figured he say something to her. He just turned 21, he been in trouble in the past and don’t have a family. They have known him for a little while and he is trying to get on the right track and get his little boy back since his mom lost him and signed up her rights to him. They are helping him, so we know each other out side work and things.

That night my friend the one that my my BFF introduced me to and was trying to get me to go out with before we knew how broken he really was and his problems. He messaged me and was trying to talk I did a little but not a lot. He said something about needed to talk. I told him if he needed to talk he could call me. He called me in a little bit and said no I was asking if you needed to talk something is wrong and we talked for a little while but I didn’t tell him what was wrong either. I just didn’t really want to talk about it.

Then next day I just was not in a good mood very down and depressed, I been fighting the urge to drink since the day before. I messaged my friend ask her if she wanted to go to lunch I was hiding at the time. She said she could’t she had things to do. I told her I wanted to go to lunch I needed some drinks she said no we would go later that night. I told her I couldn’t go that night but it was okay. I was talking to my Good friend that I talk to all the time and he was getting ready to go to work. I stopped by his house for a little bit. Sat there talking to him some. He said come here I know what you need he pulled me up and gave me a hug. He said your doing it all on your own and it’s hard I been there. I just burst into tears. I am, I am tired, it is part of what is wrong on top of everything else.

My friend called me in a little bit I answered she said lets go to lunch. She said she talked to her aunt and they had things to do but they were going to go to lunch first because they knew something war wrong. I told her lets go to the pizza place in the village and to meet me at the shop and pick me up. The shop is on her way to her aunts and the pizza place and wasn’t far from where I was. I told her I wanted to have some drinks that I was going to park my truck at the shop then go back there for a while before I had to go home. That way by then I would be okay to drive. She said okay. I dropped my truck off and we went to lunch. I only had one drink a Jack and Coke.

  boy it was strong, I told them I don’t think they gave me any Coke with my Jack. I wanted something else but by the time I was ready for something else we were done eating we were in a hurry to get other things done. I ended up going to storage with them and helping them get that sorted out and somewhat organized so it can be gone through more later.

She said at one point that her husband, my boss asked if I was okay and what was going on I guess he could tell I was upset when he left and then the kid told him I was crying when we left. But she has been dealing with some things with one of her older girls so I hadn’t said anything to her. She still don’t know what all is going on or wrong. I just been trying to be there for her and her daughter as much as I can because I would never want to go through what they are going through and I can’t say I would trade what I was upset about with what is going on.

But I did make it through the day and feeling a little better now that it is Sunday. I had plans for things to do Friday but didn’t get to do them and didn’t really feel like it since it wasn’t the day I thought it was and couldn’t really do them Thursday. I may do them at a later time I don’t know yet. I am still a little aggravated but from other things now I think more than being upset about the day.

 



{December 2, 2017}   Truth Bomb Mom, Don’t Settle

Loved this video when I seen it yesterday.



{November 11, 2017}   Paying For Dinner

My friend messaged me last night and said that her and her husband seen Father of the Year and her at dinner at the BBQ place. Said he came by their table and kind of said hi and kept walking. She said she didn’t say or do anything just let him go. Today my other friend said her and her husband seen them coming out of the fast food place. Said they seen them and took off darting in and out of streets to keep them from getting a tag number. They know I am trying to figure out where to send papers too. Well they think I am, I am not even sure I am going to mess with it like I said before. He owes about $4000 to $5000 right now. It would be great it would get me through until next year when I get my taxes and things. I wouldn’t have to rent my room and every thing would be fine. But I know the most I may get is a few $100 and then have to wait forever to get that as well. I need to sit down and figure out what he owes and everything since he left and hasn’t paid.

I told my other friend if I had known he was there I should of taken the kids up there walked in sat them down at the table with them and said since my kids money is buying you breakfast out every morning, your drugs and everything else you want including this meal tonight you can get them something too. Sat them down with him and walked off. Went outside and waited for them to get done and took them home. Let the kids sit there and tell him how what he is doing is wrong how she is a backstabbing friend and how he has not say in their lives and things like they tell me.

I want to go after him but like I said I don’t want to fight with him all the time for it. But I think I will go after him at least once. Let them lock him up and suspend his license. Cost him some money since he likes to spend it so much. If I can get them to take it out of his check then get it until he stops. I have time right now since I don’t have a job right now. maybe if he see’s I am really going to do something he will start paying. I am going to also let his employer know that i know he has been working there all this time and that I plan to let the IRS and workman comp and everyone else know as well about his company and how he runs it and don’t carry any insurance and things he is supposed to or turn in any 1099’s or anything else for these guys. I think I will just start making phone calls not even say anything just send him some Christmas visitors. Talk to me and act like he cares or is a friend. nope nope not playing games.



{September 19, 2017}   Unwanted House Guest

As you all may remember my mom moved in with us a few months ago, it has been nothing but hell and fighting since. We have had a few bad fights and one again tonight. She has her truck here she won’t drive it, she didn’t pay the insurance on it so it just sits there. She expects me to run to the store every time she needs smokes, drinks, food, or anything else that she wants. She complains all she does is sit in her room on the computer or lays in her bed because she will not sit on the couch, a chair or even a kitchen chair. Most the time she will not eat whatever I cook or make for any meal. She has to buy her own lunch meat bread and everything else. She won’t drink out of a cup she buys little bottles of coke, bottles of water or drinks out in a cup, because everything is so dirty. The dishes go through the dishwasher so they are clean and sanitized. She can’t use the one bathroom because the kids cleaned the guinea pig cage and went in there and washed their hands. She can’t touch the knob to turn it on, she can’t touch the door knob to open the door because it has the mess from the cage on it. No the cage is not cleaned daily like it should be (my standards) but about once a week and it is a 4 ft x 2 ft cage so it isn’t like it is a little tiny cage. It gets cleaned daily or every few days most the time but not sine she has been here because they shouldn’t clean it why I am making dinner they shouldn’t clean it this time or that time then its to late to clean it. They take it outside to the water house clean it out good clean everything in it good. She can’t touch the front door knob because one of the kids went out it with the trash bag from the kitchen trash and touched it. You would think that my door knobs were sticky, dripping with nasty stuff, had stuff all over them or something and that everything in my house did and you can’t see anything anywhere.

I have bleached down the kitchen and both bathrooms I don’t know how many times. I paid my oldest to do them just the other day because I didn’t feel like doing it and we had bleached the kitchen down why she was gone. That wasn’t good enough for her because we didn’t take a pan of water with bleach in it wipe everything down and then get clean water and wipe the bleach off everything. I told her it was done how it was done it was fine that I would not be bleaching it down so that was that. Then she was complaining because she had a dish pan here that we used for something and that she didn’t have that she wanted to go bleach everything down in the kitchen. If you wash your hands in the bathroom they are not clean you need to wash them in the kitchen before you go to get her food, smokes or a drink, but if you just skip washing them in the bathroom then the kitchen handles are dirty because you didn’t wash before you went in there and washed. I am so over it. Then telling me how my house is so nasty and so dirty and everything else again how I make the kids do everything do nothing, how Father of the Year (my husband) she keeps saying. I said he isn’t my fucking husband anymore. Said how I did and things were here and how this one and that one in the family say it is here. Again they are hardly ever here really they are never ever here maybe once a year if that. I said and funny how they all talk about you behind your back and how you are and everyone knows how she is, oh no they don’t they talk about you they didn’t say this and that when I told her what they said. I said that’s funny get them on the phone I will call them out right here and if they been talking about me, my kids, my house and how it is or not and I will call them out and tell you just what they said and say about you at the same time. I don’t care I have nothing to lose or gain from any of it. She shut up for a minute then.

She started again about something, I said funny you couldn’t wait to come over her then sit down and wait for someone to do everything for you that needs done. No I don’t she starts again. I said yes go the store for this go for that and then go get this or that for food and things. Well you don’t do nothing else, I said oh but yes I do and I don’t need anyone else to take care of. I have enough to take care of. It don’t hurt you you never help anyone blah blah I said yes just not people like you who do nothing for their self, or do nothing but cause problems for everyone else. I said it’s so bad you couldn’t wait to get here. No I had no where to go, I said so your just using and causing problems. I will show you I am getting out of here just as soon as I can and when I do I am calling someone to take care of how things are here it is illegal blah blah bull crap. I said go ahead there is nothing illegal going on here I am not worried about it I will let a cop, dcf worker or anyone else in my house anytime they want to walk up in my house no matter how it looks clean or “dirty” I said make sure it is as filthy as it can get when you call them, and when you call someone and try to start problems because that is all your going to do is try nothing will come of it yet again you better make sure you remember it because you will never see or hear from me or anyone in my house again. I mean it, I will cut her, my sister, grandma, everyone that has anything at all to do with her and not speak to any of them again. I will move when I get ready and everything else and no tell them we did or where we went. We will go ghost and there is nothing she will be able to do about it. She keeps talking about lets go lets go get our stuff take our money and leave. I got news for her I do not plan to move anywhere close to where she wants to go, plans to go or ends up going if she goes before me. I do not and will not take her where I go either. She will not come stay with me when I move so that she can find a place and get settled, if she moves close to me I will not do the first thing to help her get moved there or to help her once she gets there. She is 100% on her own once she moves out of my house.

I have even went so far as to call dcf myself anonymous say I know kids living in x house with x people and this person is causing a problem, the kids are always talking about them and complaining about them and the problems there are there all the time since they came there and they feel that they need to go out and check it out to see what is going on. That they know the family that they do not feel there is abuse to the kids by mom that mom is taking care of the kids but she took in a family member that is causing problems and they feel it needs to be checked into. When they come out and talk to my kids my kids tell them yes this is true this is what grandma does this is how things are and how they have been this is what she says to us what she says to mom and the things she threatens to do, they can tell her that she is the one being abusive and causing problems. They may even tell her that she needs to find somewhere else to go and can’t stay here. But at least then they will have been out know what is going on and what to expect if she does try to call later and when she starts about calling and everything else I just tell her look they been to my house twice now in 7 years over you and it hasn’t worked so no need to call again. I don’t know what else to do.

I have talked to my sister about taking her back to her house until she is done doing this to her face she said she needs 6 weeks to do and can’t because of how dirty it is and how bad it is here she is going to catch some kind of horrible infection and die from it. That I don’t care about her if I did I would have cleaned the house up so she could do this to her face she is going to die because it is going to spread and cause problems if she don’t do it and my dads started on his face and look what happen. Well if you might catch an infection and die if you do it but the odds are you aren’t going to or your going to die because you don’t do it then wouldn’t you go ahead and do it and hope not to catch an infection than not do it and let it spread and cause you more problems? I mean it might be horrible to say but if this is how she is looking at it then if I was her I would at least do what I could to make it better and hope for the best than just not do anything. She just drives me up the wall. She wants to go to her friends house out of state says she would go there until February but she can’t because she has to do this to her face. She has been here more than enough time to do it but won’t because there is always and excuse. She has needed to do it for years and has come up with some excuse and not done it so now its my turn to be her excuse and blamed and just something else to show how horrible of a mom I am. I don’t care I know the truth everyone knows the truth and that is that. I could careless whatever one is saying or isn’t saying about me behind my back. If she is so hell bent that they are talking about me behind my back then why would she not think they were here behind hers. They don’t talk behind one and not the others. Tell me I’m just a pig and I can see it everywhere I look when I turn around and how bad my house is and what I am saying about her is all lies. That her house what fine until (my husband) father of the year came there. I said not true there was the stuff from the body that was in that one apartment where the guy died in there that you went to look at. I said you couldn’t keep your clothes, shoe’s, purse or anything else that you had with you. Grandma and Father of the year had to get rid of their clothes, jackets she had to get rid of her purse they had to get rid of their shoes and then a ton of other stuff had to be gotten rid of because your feet were in the floor of your truck it hadn’t gotten cleaned after you walked around in there and had your shoes in the truck. She don’t know why, how, where the man died in the apartment, she don’t know if anything was on the floor or anything else in there or how it was cleaned. But he died there and he was probably sick and that is in there and he was there long enough that stuff ran from his body and was in there. Then it was something that father of the year done it wasn’t clean in the house they bleached it and bleached it down and the truck and threw stuff away again. But then something that was in that apartment will be found she forgot about or something that had something to do with whatever father of the year did will show up and it starts again. Then they hit a dead animal on the side of the road and that was on her tire and then it probably got on the running board and then it got on her pant leg and his pant leg so they again needed to throw away their pants and shoes and then it was on their hands they touched this and that so now it was dirty and needed to be tossed or bleached. Then that was “cleaned” up and the yard guys blew something under her door from the parking lot with the blower when they were cutting the yards so now whatever that was is in her house and she had to throw away another rug and this or that bleach everything down and throw away stuff and then it be clean and something else would come of it again when she thought of it. She ended up throwing away almost everything in her house, couch, recliner, rugs, lamps pots pans shoes clothing beds anything and everything you can think of. And it couldn’t be given to anyone else because then they may get sick and she would get in trouble because she knew it had this or that on it or wrong with it and gave it to them so now she would go to jail or what. This isn’t something that oh one thing happen then a few months down the road something happen or a year. This is something would happen and she would fix on it for a year or months until something happen then fix on it and some times it and the other thing or it and the things from three times ago. She has been this way for a long time and it just goes in a circle.

I am rambling and bitching I know I am sorry and your a saint if you made it this far. I am just so aggravated and frustrated with everything that is going on that she has done. I have told her over and over to get her stuff and get out that i was going to the court house and filing papers to get her out that I would move and leave her here and let the owner deal with getting her out and everything else. The thing is if I file against her to get her out she will not be able to get anywhere at all because once you have been filed against here they will not rent to you. I know I shouldn’t care what happens or where she goes I don’t but I don’t want to see her out in the street either. I just don’t want her in my house.



I hope that Father of the Year is having himself a grand time living it up with his whore. Because why he is I am here trying to comfort my Big Guy Mr.6 through his anxiety attacks. He has been extra sensitive and tonight went into full blown attack. I don’t know if you remember back when my dad passed a few years ago we dealt with this. Well he been doing really good the last year, I hadn’t even thought about them. Between the dog and Father of the Year they are back and maybe worse than before. It really sucks because I don’t know what to do for him.

They are doing a deep cleaning of their room because they have let it get way out of hand thinking that someone else would come in there and clean it for them if they just didn’t do it long enough. Not happening I been telling them for to long to do it now it’s getting deep cleaned. Well he had a pair of old shoes that are wore out really laying there and the guine pigs dumped stuff all over them. I told them in passing to throw them away. Not worth trying to save and keep or give anyone. He has new Star wars shoes, I don’t even know the last time he wore them. Soon as I said it he went into full blown attack, no, no, please don’t get rid of them I have to keep them on his knees begging me to keep them not to get rid of them. I finally told him I would buy him a new pair of he would please just get rid of those they were really yucky. To that he agreed because then he will have them to help him remember them and to have.

For him it is about remembering things and being close to things. He is a very hands on touching hugging loving on you kid. When he gets this way he can’t get rid of anything because he don’t want to forget it, so if he has it then he won’t forget it. When it was my dad it was easier to explain and help him than it is with this. With grandpa he was upset he hadn’t called him or wrote him a letter like he thought he would and we didn’t get to go see him. We explained that where grandpa was he couldn’t write letters or call and that grandpa didn’t want to leave him that he was really sick and the sickness wouldn’t go away and he died that he would much rather be here with him but he didn’t get to pick. We explained that grandpa wasn’t sick anymore and he felt good and we should be happy about that for grandpa. Because we wouldn’t want grandpa here just so he could be with us if he was sick and hurting and thing. Once we explained it to him and we talked about it he got a lot better. Like I said he wasn’t having them anymore.

But now how do you explain to a 6 year old that their daddy choose to not have anything to do with him? How do you explain that and make it okay? You can’t it is’t okay and there is no way to make it okay. It’s just not something that is going to ever be okay. He knows his daddy is choosing not to have anything to do with him. He knows that he could call and don’t, he knows he could come see him and don’t. He knows that he choose to change his phone number and not give it to use so we can’t call him when he wants to. They didn’t often but there were times they would call him for different things. He has a field trip coming up next week and kindergarten graduation coming up next week, I am sure he wants to tell him all about it and for him to come but he can’t. I can’t take my truck and go so I was going to borrow his to go with him now I can’t even go with him, I don’t even have the money now i had to use it for other things we needed. I let something else go to be able to pay for his trip so he could go. The big kids school paid for their trip I came up with enough money to pay for a small lunch for them.

I do not know what to do for him or how to help him, I know telling him I would get another pair of shoes wasn’t the right thing to do. But what was I supposed to do for him after all that he has been through and going through? I couldn’t sit there and watch him cry his eyes out like he was and beg on the floor. I know it isn’t over the shoes at all but he is holding on to all that he can he feels so lost and out of control I am sure. I am worried because next week is the last week we see their therapist that they go to. She is moving out of state, they will still see her through telehealth but I know that isn’t going to be the same for Big Guy. I hope it don’t make things worse for him.

I am so mad at Father of the Year right now over this more than any of it I think. Knowing how he is and knowing he already had problems with this in the past he cares about nothing but himself and sex. Because that is what it all boils down to. From what I can tell they are still sleeping in the truck and staying in the truck. Not sure if I said this the other day or not. But she is not on line all day so I am guessing he didn’t get her a phone, I am not sure if he got himself one or not. I think they are still staying in the car because she gets on line about the time he would be going into work and she is on all night until the time he gets off. It isn’t like he leaves for work and she gets on or he gets home from work and she gets off. Its with in minutes of when he should be in the lot at work she is on and with in minutes of the time he would be leaving work she is off and she is off at break time and then right back on soon as he goes back in. If they had a place or even a motel room she would be on more because they have wifi.

I just want to find them, they are lucky I don’t have extra money to spend right now. My friend keeps telling me to let it be there is a time and place and theirs will come around. But I am so angry about what he is doing to my kids. All that I have put up from him over the years to not do something like this to them, all the things he has done to me and I still bend over backwards to let him be in their life and let them have him around, and he goes and pulls some shit like this, it is done it is over it will come around.



et cetera
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