{September 18, 2020}   We Don’t Need Each Other

I was thinking while I was eating lunch about mine and JW’s relationship. All though we have our little issue other than that we are really good together and happy. I was thinking how different it is than being with Father of The Year, RC and other guy’s I have talked to or went out with in the past. How it isn’t stressful, there isn’t fighting or tension. That yes sometimes he gets mad or aggregated with me or pissy. But when he does it is because I won’t open up tell him what is wrong or bothering me. I just get quite with drawl some and go on my way. He wants to know what is wrong or bothering me. He will talk about it try to work it out, help or just be there for support. He gets aggregated I won’t tell him and let him. That I hold it in and just deal with it on my own or just stuff it. He really does care a lot about people and for sure the one’s he is close to like family, me, friends and even my kids. No one is going to do anything to us or mess with us. If something is wrong he wants to be there for you even if it is just to listen.

He isn’t the only one that has has said something about it. I seen a memory from the past pop up on Facebook, RC commented on it he was there for me and to help. I said I knew. He said you act like your alone in this and don’t let me in or let me help. It hit me then that I did. He was the same as JW he would sit and talk about things and try to help. Thinking about it as I write this I pushed him away. Because I did shut down and stop talking and held a lot in. But we had other issues that caused it. We had some issues between us with the kids and Father of The Year.

I want to open up and tell JW, let him be there and help. But it is so hard when I am so use to how things were. I couldn’t open up, if I did it was twisted turned around or I was told how horrible I was or what. Just beat down, belittled, and treated like dirt or ignored. They would get mad.

It is hard for me to say what I want to say and make it come out right. I have to really think about it before I say things. I don’t want the things I say to be taken wrong. Because even if you go back and explain it, it is always there. RC was like that when we got together, he take a while or not say some thing’s because he wasn’t sure how to say it or make it sound right. We came up with nothing said can be taken any which way. Once something was said then they could explain more now that the main point or problem was out. The other person could ask questions or what to clarify how they meant it if they took it this way or that way. You couldn’t just get mad or upset and react. It really did help and let us have more open conversations. Because we could just say what needed said.

Even though I know JW wants to know what is wrong and wants to talk about it or be there to help and support. I also know that he takes things very personally. I don’t want something to come out wrong. Because even if you say that came out wrong or it isn’t how I meant it, it is still hard to forget or feel there isn’t some truth to it.

Like when he made the can never please you comment to me a while back. He said he was sorry it came out wrong. Not right away but later when things calmed down and we were talking. He honestly didn’t remember saying it. I could tell when I said something about it. The look on his face he said I didn’t say that to you. I said yes you did when we were talking about x,y,z. He just looked at me like he screwed up or what. I know he is dealing with stuff from his past his ex’s did. But it has stuck with me. Even though I truly don’t think he meant to say it and didn’t mean me more as in this has been an issue for him and over all couldn’t or can’t.

I just know that it is nice without all the stress and fighting. I know my kids are not in the picture yet and things. But it is a whole different dynamic than it was with me and RC. And they both are 100% different than Father of The Year.

I deal with a few things from stuff that happen between me and RC. But really sitting down thinking about it and looking at the big picture. I can see that the abuse from Father of The Year was worse than I realized it was when I was in it. I knew when I was in it it was bad not right. I look back and tell someone about this or that and it hits wow that was really messed up. Or wow I never realized this or that or how bad that was. It was just life at the time you get use to it, you deal with it, you ignore it or make up excuses or try to fix it and the list goes on. You distract your self with all these lies or other things like trying to fix it just so you can get through it. It is sad to think we do these things. That we live our lives this way.

Then the one’s who get away, get out of it we live with the lasting effects it has on us. Now not only do we deal with it but it pours over into our relationships with our kids, friends, family and partners. I don’t know if one can ever truthfully say they 100% get past it and don’t have any issues pop up. I swear I have PTSD from the shit I went through with Father of The Year.

Part if the problem me and JW have with out issue in the bedroom is because of things Father of The Year done. I told JW what he did that it was many times. But no kind of details. But the other night I had to ask him would you please not do X unless I ask you or move you to? Right away he was worried he did something wrong. I had to tell him no but because of what happened when he does I am not longer into what we are doing. When it happens, that fight or flight shoots through my body. I have to stop myself from pushing him away and getting up. I can get it to go away quickly but then I’m done I am not into it and can’t get back into it. He has asked me more than once what is wrong because he can see the change. I just say I’m alright. Sometimes it is bad enough I can’t get past it he just stops lays there beside me holding me. I wanted to tell him before but I just couldn’t get it out and tell him. Even though he knew it happen I still felt it was going to change things between us. Or the way he looked at me reacted to me interacted with me. Or if he knew any details he wouldn’t want to be together anymore. I tell myself he is different things have been good all this time and everything I have told him and has happened. But in my head I am still in the it is just a matter of time or that one thing is going to come up that makes him say nope done. At the same time I don’t feel it will.

Our relationship is different. We really don’t need anything from each other. Like with Father of The Year he didn’t really have friends, he hadn’t really ever had a relationship or girlfriend. He wasn’t stable in life. As in a job that he made anything at or a place to stay or the friends, relationship and all. He was looking for someone to come in and be everything and for their life to revolve around him and include him all the time if he wasn’t at work. And you shouldn’t do things when he was working because it wasn’t fair he wasn’t there to go. You should never have time alone. You were his friend, girlfriend and the one to make everything was taken care of or make everything happen for him. Find him a job find a car find a place to live and on and on.

RC had a job, friends, a place could hold it together and was doing it. But he needed a mom for his kids. Or I should say someone to help him take care of his kids so he wasn’t doing it on his own. He had unrealistic ideas going into things. When you are going into a relationship that kids are involved in on either side it changes things. When they are involved from both sides it really changes things. You can’t expect someone to step in from day one and take over full care of yours and theirs all on their own and expect it to be done your way as well.

With JW things are completely different. He has a life, he has a job, he has a place. He is doing it on his own and fine with doing it on his own. He is looking for a relationship for the relationship its self. Not because he needs it. He wants the companionship, the support, the closeness. That having someone there you can count on and trust. The partner or team to take care of and handle things. Even though you can do it on your own it is always nice to have the support and to feel like someone cares about you. But knowing if something happens you can walk away without worrying about anything because you aren’t depending on them for anything. You are doing it as a team now instead of on your own. But you can go back to on your own just the same. Even if their are kids involved on either side as long as you don’t lose that being okay on your own or you don’t let yourself get depend on the other or get into a place of needing them it will be okay if something happens. It will be hard but you won’t be stuck.

When I was with Father of The Year I was stuck. I had gotten laid off and found out I was pregnant. I stayed home with the kids through my pregnancy. After I had the baby I had no one to watch the kids. He wouldn’t watch them. He wouldn’t even show up when I had interviews to watch them. When I did have money if he found it he took it or wouldn’t pay things until he knew it was gone. Then there was the disaster with RC. I wasn’t really depending on him I had money coming in and a place. I just started planing and he backed out.

I’m like JW, I am at that point in life I have everything else as squared a way as it can be. I may hit some bumps but we are making it and doing a little better than getting by even with one job. I am ready to take that next step and let someone else in again. I feel in taking my time and being picky has paid off I found someone that don’t need me but wants me. Just as much as I want him.


{August 14, 2019}   You Prefer People Like Me

Last Wednesday I had a interesting conversation with my good friend. The one I have known since we were kids who I traded my truck to for labor on my other cars if they break. I think I told you about that. If not theres a tidbit of what’s going down with my beast.

Anyway some how we got on the subject of Peter Pan and Wendy. He did not know who I was talking about when I said that. I was surprised but I guess normally he is the ass when I talk to him.

I was already in a mood. I told him I wanted to go out but needed to find someone to go out with me and keep me out of trouble. I told him when I go out alone I end up leaving guys in bathroom, going to bathroom not returning, picking up stalkers or finding things like father of the year.

He said to let him know when I was drunk and needed a ride home again. He wasn’t saying no this time ūüėĄ.

I told him I would for sure. He would be the first I called.

I told him I wanted to meet someone other than what I have been and told him about the guy at work. He said don’t shit where you eat. I told him I already knew that I wasn’t wanting to do that.

He said he just wanted to fuck now and then and we could still be friends nothing strange between us because of it.

I said all everyone seems to be looking for. He said it was all he was in the position to offer right now. He was being straight foward and honest.

I told him a little about my Swinging Conversation with My ‚ÄúFriend‚ÄĚ and how he blocked me.

I said we have been doing this for so long that I didn’t say no but not right from day one. He keeps pushing for more.

“See. And now he is butt hurt. Just a sign that he is not emotionally mature enough anyway”¬† ¬†“You spanked his ego”

I told him….Other than that he has tried and tried for years to have more. When I think okay maybe why not he shown things. He comes off with this.

First thing my friend said before I could say more was….”Financial help causes dependency, dependency allows control.”

Yep, I know he was talking about just all around be there and help.

He knows me and everything I been through to well. He says…..”Help is not something you are looking to get used to because it’s never dependable”

Then says…..”I think you prefer people like me. Someone you know you can count on when necessary but never pretends to be willing to do more than they are capable of or willing to do”¬† ¬† “I’m the same way. Don’t like depending on anyone. I think that may be why I’m with my wife. I know I can’t depend on her, so no surprises. lol”

He is right, like I say all the time I don’t want to depend on someone I don’t need to. Like he was talking about his wife and not being able to count on her or depend on him and things. Talking about how Father of the Year was like that and I couldn’t do it.

I can’t have someone there that I have to do everything for or can’t do for their selves. I am not looking do drag someone around or up.

But he is the problem, these guys rush in making all these promises and wanting to do everything and they can’t or won’t come through on it. I just want someone honest and real. Don’t say your going to do this or that if you don’t want to or you don’t plan to or you can’t. Tell me what your willing and able to do and do it.

Monday afternoon my friend messaged me and ask if I was ready to come over and take some xxx rated pictures for our sls profile.

I had no idea what he was talking about we don’t have a profile but had an idea. I said sis? He said yeah swingerslife style or something like that. Where couples go to meet other couples.

I made a joke about not h

Knowing about that or having time for it. He said I could make time if I wanted to. I joked and said I can’t find one he wants me to scare a room full off.

He said what guy? “I will find one for you. If you listen to me I’ll teach you what guys like ūüôā”

He asked again if he could find me one and what I was looking for. I told him not just a hook up.

Then I get

??… I mean I would be looking for more with you. but I have been trying to get you to show me you can give me what I want. You dont seem to be able to though.

At this point I was getting on the highway and did not respond. I been thinking about it and how to respond to it. This was Monday we were talking. This evening I am sitting here at work and was thinking about something and went to read it and maybe try and reply. I am in one of those very odd emotional states and I am all over.

When I open it the first thing I notice it says in blue and white you can not reply to this conversation. I thought no way, what. I went outside to get a connection and sure enough he blocked me.

Why would he do that? Why would he block me because I can’t do what he is asking. I have been upfront and honest with him.

I was going to tell him look I am interested in trying to be more. But there are a few things that have kept me from it. Tell him what they are go from there.

I am willing to try and do different things but he has to understand where I am coming from and how I feel. He needs to meet in the middle. Nothing wrong with swinging or what but I’m not into that. And the being able to see eachother and things with our hours.

I was going to tell him how he has been the one there for me and how I feel. Now I dont know what to think. Is he mad? He is upset and pulling away? I just seen him last week. I am so confused. Thought about texting him. Dont know.

{March 25, 2019}   SELF WORTH (Very Deep!!!)

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question: ‘What kind of man are you looking for?’ She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, ‘Do you really want to know?’ Reluctantly, he said, ‘Yes. She began to expound, ‘As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can’t do for myself? I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man… or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, ‘What can you bring to the table?’ The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought & stated, ‘I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life. He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain. She said, ‘I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple-minded man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked…believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don’t need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God. I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive…he just has to be worthy. And by the way, I am not looking for him…He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. Hey may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, ‘You are asking a lot. She replied, “I’m worth a lot”. Send this to every woman who’s worth a lot…. and every man who has the brains to understand!!!

I won’t say this don’t exist but it is very few and far between and impossible to find it seems.

Another from

This is so true and the monkey experiment is so sad. But I have to disagree when it says if you don’t have a partner find a friend, or how ever it put it. Nothing can replace the feelings you get from the touch of a partner. A boyfriend/husbands girlfriend/wife’s touch can’t be replaced by anyone eles touch if you are in love with them. It is very hard to go without having that other half and their touch.


We use our senses of vision and hearing more than we do our sense of touch, but humans may have a very real need for physical touch every day. Touch is a part of the physical closeness of two people that we cannot achieve at a distance. For this reason, touch gives us the sense of connectedness with people and with our environment.

Children require loving touch in order to develop socially and physically. Depriving a child of loving touch is seen as neglectful. Psychologist Harry Harlow famously studied baby monkeys who were deprived of both food and the touch of a mother and then had the choice of food or touch. The poor, lonely, baby monkeys chose touch over food. Humans are no different in our need for touch.

Technological advances have enabled even people at a distance to experience the touch of a loved one over the internet. This is possible through ‚Äėhaptic‚Äô feedback connections. The receiver wears a device that mimics sensations on the skin. When the message sender starts a haptic conversation, the receiver can feel the touch from the sender with the help of the device that they wear.

In the future, you might not need a touchy partner to get your fill of positive feelings from physical touch daily. But until haptic devices become more common, you need to find a willing friend to let you enjoy their physical touch. Here are 5 reasons you need to have physical touch every day.

Humans are social beings and touch is a natural part of how we communicate with each other. Touch is usually used to communicate a shared meaning between two people. Think about the last time you put a hand on someone’s arm or shoulder. Were you sharing a joke?

The use of touch communicates a mutual bond over your communication and it usually happens when you use language to mean something other than its intended use. When we use innuendo, tell a white lie, exaggerate or joke around, we use words as a symbol of a different meaning. These are the usual times, other than when we are showing affection, that we use touch.

Our sense of our physical being is what gives us emotions. That tightness in your gut is anxiety, the feeling of chills down your spine that you call fear, etc. The sensations we feel inside and on the surface of our own bodies help us to connect to people and the world around us.

Related article: 10 Reasons To Have Sex Daily

Think about a great date that you might go on. If you spent the entire time smiling and having a great conversation but there was absolutely zero attempt at touching your knee, hand, or more, you would feel pretty certain that they weren’t interested in you because they did not initiate touch. Touch tells us that you like us.

Researchers in the journal Virtual Reality studying the future of human touch say ‚ÄėA short touch by another person can elicit strong emotional experiences; from the comforting experience of being touched by one‚Äôs spouse, to the experience of anxiety when touched by a stranger. Indeed, human touch bears the capacity for very personal and very intimate interpersonal interaction, and can potentially evoke a sense of ‚ÄĚproximity and establish the human connection.‚ÄĚ

Touch is an effective tool to convince people to do what you need them to do. Touch communicates the importance of your words and commands the other person‚Äôs attention. You are basically saying ‚ÄėPay very close attention to me right now‚Äô as you touch someone‚Äôs arm and speak to them.

Your touch is powerful and it can be thought of as a way to transmit and receive energy from one person to another. When your touch conveys affection or happiness, you give positive energy to the person you touch. You can also feel the positive energy coming from another person who touches you when they give love and happiness to you.

Therapeutic touch has been used for centuries with acupressure, massage, chiropractic practices and such. These types of touch therapies focus on healing our bodies, but therapeutic touch can also be used to heal our minds.

Licensed psychologists can work with people to provide a variety of types of therapeutic touch. Therapists use touch to help de-condition people who have experienced physical abuse, to communicate caring and calm energy to people during a suicidal crisis, to guide partners during sex therapy, to facilitate bonding during group therapy sessions, and more.

{August 8, 2018}   Need Some One To Love You

I was talking to a friend last night. Well not really a friend, not sure what you would call him really. I have never met him he is a friend of Bff, her family has know him a long time. Some how we became friends on line back after me and RC broke up. Once in a while we will message and talk. Last night we got to talking some how.

He isn’t happy with his wife and they are living together in the same house but not together so he says. I don’t know I don’t care, I am not interested in him. We just talk he tries get me to go out or meet him here or there. I just tell him no. Not what I am looking for.

Yesterday I said you have an ol lady. He says his we aren’t together just here for my son and until I find the right one that I love and who loves me. I said no women wants to here I’m just with my wife or living here until I find someone else. Are you crazy? Well all relationships are different I try not to look to much into them. I said yeah not what I am looking for. Why why not blah blah.

I did not date for a long time because I truely was just stuck living like roommates with my ex and fighting him for divorce. Why would anyone want someone in that situation and how would you trust someone in that situation? I could not do it and after thinking about it, it was like why would I want a guy willing to date someone in that situation? Odds are they are not going to be on the up and up either. I just at that point decided to do what I needed to do for me and the kids and to get my divorce done.

But anyway we were talking in general about dating and relationships and things. He said your friend isn’t doing his job or a good job. You need a new one. I said no I need a man not a friend. I am over having a friend. Being a lone.

He said…You just haven’t had a man to love you before he fucks you and makes you feel loved always…..

I looked at it and it made me cry just about thinking about it. Because I don’t know if any of my ex’s really loved me or if they loved the idea of what I could do for them. Like take care of the house and kids and things. I do think that RC did but, I don’t know if any of tje other did and I know the ones I been talking to and getting to know don’t. I think Starfish cares, love I don’t know.

I just messaged him back no one loves me not good enough for that. He said I just need to give someone a chance let someone in. I can’t just give up.

How many am I supposed to let in and give a chance to? To just still be sitting here a lone. I feel like I put in all this time just getting to know them it goes no where. I feel like I am wasting my time.

I am still stuck between getting my shit together then trying again and maybe just finding someone and letting it all sort itself out like my friend said.

What one is better the one that walks in when everything is going great and wants to join in? Or the one that walks in when everything has went to hell and wants to help you clean up the mess and sticks around? I just don’t know.

My friend knows where I am and where I have been and gone through he still wants me knowing where I am now and that I am sinking. He offered even to just rent a room to help me out. I just can’t get past the other things. I still feel like I want to talk to him, but to say what? What is it going to accomplish if I do? Do I really want to be with him? Would I really be happy in the long run with him? I think I could be happy but always feel I settled.

{November 29, 2012}   Why Did Mommy Run Daddy Off

The other day when I was writing my post What Men & Women are Looking For & What They Should Be Looking For¬†I talked about how my mom and step dad ended up getting a divorce. I also talked about how I then didn’t understand why they got divorced because he seemed so good to us and her. I wondered why my mom always fought with him and ran him off. Then this thought hit me.

I wonder what my kids think about me and my ex. The fights we had the fact we split up and are getting a divorce. I wonder if like me they think it is all my fault and that I ran him off. I wonder what he was doing that made me not want to be with him anymore.

I tried to keep the fighting a way from them but things happen and things get said. You can’t always keep it from them.But they never really knew what the fights were about. I am sure from a kids point it didn’t make sense. Of course the fact that ex always said stuff to them and in front of them about me and what happen and me being with someone else to make me and him the bad guy hasn’t help whatever they were thinking. I don’t want my kids growing up thinking that I ran their daddy off and made him leave. But they are so little how do you explain things to them? They are already going through so much they shouldn’t have to be and they are already learning about things way beyond their years.

How do you explain that mommy and daddy are no longer going to live together and why without making it seem like someones fault. If it seems like it is one or the others fault already to them how do you make them understand it isn’t one or the others fault. Despite all that has happen I do not want them to think badly of him or me. That is their dad and I’m not going to talk badly about him or say things about him to make him look bad just to make myself look good or to try to make it not look like my fault. If that makes sense.

I do tell them the truth about things. Like when they didn’t go over the summer to spend half the summer with him. I told them that he couldn’t work things out to keep them like he needed to and that is why he didn’t have them. I also told them we didn’t get to move because since their dad didn’t take them for half the summer and I had all of them I wasn’t able to work and save money like I had planed so that we could move when we planed on moving. I was going to put money a way for daycare and to move on. That way when they came back I could afford to pay it, rent and have money to move on. If he don’t do what he says he is going to do I tell them why. I am not going to lie for him when he is dropping the ball and making them feel like they did something wrong is why he isn’t doing what he said. If I tell them I am going to do something and something happens I tell them the truth. I also tell them upfront, as soon as I know we are not going to be able to do it and I tell them myself. I don’t wait until last-minute to tell them and then just tell them we aren’t doing it end of it and wait for their dad or someone to tell them. I tell them myself. A lot of times I will find something else we can do instead if I can. Or I set it up for another time when we can go and do it. He¬†avoids¬†it or gets mad and tells them it’s just how it is get use to it and get over it or blame it on someone/something else.

But I know I always felt like my mom ran my step dad off. I could never really see why she didn’t want to be with him. I was really young when my mom and dad split up so I don’t remember too much about that. I do remember fights bad fights and the house being broken up and things when they were together. But I use to think she ran my step dad off he didn’t do anything wonder why she fought with my dad so much and made him leave. If she would do it to one she must have done something to make the other so mad and fight like that right.

Wow too much to think about. Makes me feel so bad now thinking that my kids think I ran their dad off for no real reason and that this is all my fault like everyone else around thinks and says. As if I needed more to feel bad about and think about.


I am sure like me you have heard the age-old saying that women date guys like their fathers and guys look for women who remind them of their mothers or who are like them. I never paid it much mind until I read something along those lines on a blog the other day. When I read it this little light went on in my head. One of them aha moments.

I didn’t marry a guy like my dad. My dad was a great dad when he was around. He is the one I am closest to out of all my family and who has always tried to help me and support me no matter what. I don’t know how to explain it but I just never really seen too much in guys like my dad. He is hard-working and things but he is a home body who don’t really do anything but work and go home. I want someone who wants to get out do things go places or whatever.

I did however marry a guy like my step dad. Not 100% like him but I would say 95% like him. That wasn’t really a good thing after all it seems. When you’re a kid you don’t notice a lot of things about people you mostly notice the good things unless there is just something really creepy or odd about them you get bad vibes I guess you would say. He wasn’t around much when I was older as him and my mom got a divorce and he was out of the picture for a while. But I always¬†remembered¬†him working, and spending time with us and taking us places and he always helped my mom do things that needed done around the house. He would try to cook sometimes you could even eat it. He went out but it didn’t seem like a lot to me back then and mostly him and my mom went out when us kids weren’t home on the weekends. Over all he was just your all around dad and husband.

When I got with ex he was like that always do little things for me we were always together doing things. When we moved in together we would cook together and clean up after. Whatever needed done around the house we did together to get it done and over with so that we could go do whatever with the rest of our day. If one of us went somewhere the other was always there. When we had our first baby he was kind of not sure what to do or expect he had never really been around kids and babies. But he was ready to learn and help and always spending time with her.

As the years went on you start to see little things and notice little things and at first they aren’t a big deal. But then after a while they grow from just little things to bigger things and then it becomes a problem. It got to where he would lie a lot and about stupid stuff that was pointless to lie about. He would do every thing he could to avoid any kind of conflict no matter what it was how bad it was or what anyone done. They could say or do just about anything they wanted to him or me and he would act like it was no big deal and go on. It didn’t matter if it was right or wrong. He would never tell people no or do anything he thought might make another person upset, mad, mad at him or to think something bad of him. If he told someone he couldn’t give them a ride they might think he was an ass or be mad at him. He couldn’t have that so he just done it. No matter how much he didn’t want to or how far out-of-the-way it was or how much they put him out.

It got to where they became big problems between us because he started¬†lying¬†to me about anything and everything. It didn’t matter if I already knew he would still try to lie to me. No matter what happen or who it was he let them treat me and talk about me any way they wanted too. Even if it was nothing to do with me and something he done. He would let them jump me for it. I would be trying to defend myself and explain it and he would just sit there and say nothing or run a way. Then tell me later he was sorry and that was supposed to fix everything. After a while sorry don’t cut it. I want a man who is going to stand up for me and take up for me. They damn sure better if I am getting jumped and shit for something I had no part of and it was all them.

Then I got with RC and he was nothing like my dad or my step dad. He was different all together. I don’t know how to explain it. He was a lot like me. Didn’t care who you were if you were wrong you were wrong and he wouldn’t mind telling you. If you asked something you better really want the answer because it isn’t going to be sugar-coated or beat around the bush good or bad your going to hear the truth. And if someone starts they better be ready to handle it because we aren’t going to back down. But he also if someone started with me messed with me or¬†disrespected¬†me he was quick to jump in and put a stop to it. I know I stepped on toes there some because somethings he would be handling that had nothing to do with me but I felt they weren’t treating him right or doing what they could be or something I would want to step in and say something or I would. I know he didn’t like it he would say he could handle his own stuff and he didn’t need me to take care of stuff for him. I knew he didn’t but I was just so use to always doing it for myself my kids and for my ex. If I didn’t do it or handle things they didn’t get done. It was hard to sit back and not say something or fix it. Plus it would make me mad if I felt he still wasn’t getting done right even if he did.

He use to say when we first got together that when we talked it was like talking to himself in the mirror, because we had pretty much the same view on most things. But it was nice to have someone who was more of and equal than the¬†experiences¬†I had with my ex and guys in the past. He at first helped with stuff and we did most stuff together and things too. If he was working on a the truck or had a side job to do I went with him and would help him or just go to keep him company. We would go out when we didn’t have the kids and things. He would help around the house with dinner and we had to go out to wash the clothes so he would go with me and help me when we didn’t have all the kids. It gave us time together and it got it done faster so we could do something we wanted to why we didn’t have them.

But after I moved it the helping around the house and with things pretty much stopped. The going places together did too. We use to talk every night we would sit outside or somewhere and just talk for an hour or two sometimes more. We talked about everything from what was going on anything that happen that day the other needed to know about and then just things between us and where we were going what we were doing and make plans to get moved and things like that. That slowly faded a way too. If we did sit and talk it was more him telling me what was wrong what I needed to do and what he wasn’t going to do and things like that. He talked at me not to me or with me.

When I read that tonight on that blog that aha moment hit me. I know what happen with me and ex and I know what happen with me and RC.

You see no my ex isn’t like my dad and too much like my step dad. My step dad lied a lot too and really looking back was very¬†passive¬†aggressive. To us it was just mom and RF are fighting again or whatever and many times I would try to figure out why my mom was so mad at him because he did so much and was always there. But looking back he treated her a lot like my ex treated me. As I was living threw it with my ex I seen a lot from when my mom and RF were together that you don’t notice when you’re a kid or don’t think about as something being wrong.

But I could see why it didn’t work out between them like it didn’t with my ex and me. I should haven’t had picked someone like my step dad to be with. Because I don’t want someone like that either. Their they have a lot of good about them but the few bad trump the good when they don’t try to fix it or just don’t want to fix things.

My ex messed up when we got together because he didn’t pick someone like his mom when looking for someone to be with. If he wants to be the way he is and not change things or work on things he needs someone like his mom who will put up with him and take his shit. Like his mom does with his dad. His dad drinks a lot and is a lot like him in ways all though I think his dad is more out spoken and things but he is still not a very nice person and not very good to him mom either. But she just keeps quiet does what he says and what he wants and lives with it what ever he does. Truth me known I am sure that he hits her too. I didn’t know it but ex told me a while back that his mom and dad almost split up and got a divorce right after I left him. I am sure he threaten her or scared her into¬†coming¬†home I don’t know. Supposedly they went to counselling¬†but it couldn’t have been for very long or very many times. Because when ex told me about it they hadn’t been talking about it for very long and then it was they were together and everything was fine again. He probably done like ex tried to do to me and went somewhere long enough to get her to stay and then stop going. But he really does need to find someone like his mom if he is going to have a relationship that is going to last.

RC messed up because he didn’t get with someone like his mom either. He didn’t find ¬†alcoholic¬†drunk who drank and smoked from the time she got up until the time she went to bed. Who was¬†jealous of him and anyone else who had their kids and was trying to take care of them and raise their family. Because she didn’t she was to busy drinking partying and drugging all the time to do it. Their grandparents raised them. His sister is scared of her. She came and seen us his mom lived 3 doors down from us she hid when she came out and went by to go to work and wouldn’t let any of the kids outside alone or close to her door. She said she might pull them inside and refuse to give them back try to kidnap them. The woman next door to me use to talk to his mom some she told me how she would talk about us and our kids and things. She said she can’t stand it you all have your kids and you all are doing it alone until you got together and was doing it. She didn’t like it because it was something she couldn’t do and she felt guilty. She had gotten a little better I guess now that they are grown and he had something to do with her. She did cook and clean and stuff and help him by cleaning and things. But for the most part she is just a stone cold alcoholic and he would even say that. Her liver was about shot she was going to the doctor and having problems with it when I was up there.

But when he was looking for someone he was looking for someone like June Cleaver. The parts that would come clean his house 2 or 3 days a week for him and keep his kids when ever he told her to so he could do what he wanted and who he could control by threatening to not talk to them, not taking them places, or whatever he thought of.

He too should have looked for someone like his mom because there are not do many people who are not drunks going to be treated that way and be¬†instant mommy to his kids. I loved his kids to death and treated and thought of them as my own. But when you are putting two families together like that and you are increasing the size of a family to that size there needs to be some help. One person should not be expected to do it all. Plus when they are¬†expected¬†to pay half the bills and paying yours too. Not like I moved in had no money coming in and¬†expected¬†him to work take care of me and my kids and to come home and help take care of stuff and think I shouldn’t have to work. It wasn’t like that at all. I helped with everything bill wise and kid wise around there and handled the kids 90% of the time because he was at work. But I didn’t feel it was to much to ask for a little help around the house with stuff that was to do with everyone. He told everyone I didn’t work or pay anything when I was there.

I think like me when we met and got together he liked that we were more equal than it had been with his ex’s and things in the past. I was more down to earth and could handle most things on my own and take care of myself. He didn’t have to worry about me like the others. He would tell me some of the stupid stuff they would do or get into he would have to take off work or drop what he was doing to go take care of what ever it was. Or he couldn’t trust them to do things and get them done and taken care of and they would complain because when he wasn’t working he wasn’t stuck to them like glue. Like me they could go where ever he went or do whatever he done but they didn’t want too. They didn’t like it he wasn’t always doing just what they wanted to do. I wasn’t like that. I didn’t mind going and doing what he wanted to do or needed to do. I was use to doing a lot of it already because I grew up around it and I hung out with guys most the time anyway so if I didn’t I was around it with them. I like hanging out why they work on the car or going out to the river and fishing, I use to fish all the time when I was little now I like to just sit by the water and talk or whatever why he fishes. Sometimes I would fish with him or just help the kids so he could fish if we had them because he didn’t get to go that often. But he would also go to the store with me if I needed to go shopping for something or get the kids stuff and if I just wanted to look around. I know he wasn’t crazy about it but he would go because just like when I went with him it is time we are getting to spend together. We did things we both liked to do too like go to the flea market thrift stores and actions and things too.

When I decide to get back into a relationship I don’t want someone like my dad or my step dad. I want someone who is more of an equal to me. I want someone who is like me. Someone who can take care of their self, someone who can handle their own and isn’t going to back down or worry about what other people think of them because they are standing up and doing what is right. Or because they are not bending over back wards to please everyone. Maybe if us women stop looking for a daddy and guys stop looking for a mommy and we start looking for an equal we would all be better off and the divorce rate would go down. Really if you think about it why do we want some one like our dad we are grown we don’t need daddy around all the time. Men you are grown you don’t need mommy’s apron strings to hang on to. We need a partner in a relationship. A father daughter or mother son is not a partner type relationship. There is a big in¬†balance¬†in power there and that just don’t work when you are trying to have a relationship. I know the term is a figure of speech or just a¬†general¬†idea of how you are supposed to want someone to treat you. But I think in today’s time people really are looking for that daddy figure or that mommy figure and it just isn’t going to work.

{November 21, 2012}   I Feel

Right now I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. I feel scared I don’t know of what just scared. I feel like running I feel like I need to get a way I feel like I just want to get in my truck and start driving. I don’t know to where I don’t even want to go anywhere. But I feel like I need to get a way. I don’t know what I need to get a way from there is nothing here nothing going on. Everyone is in bed have been for hours my big boy in watching tv being good not bothering anything. I am laying in my bed and I feel like just staying here and hiding under by blanket and not getting up even though I want to get a way like I need to get a way. The erge to just go is so over whelming. But that would take energy I feel I just don’t have. I feel I should just get under my blanket and go to sleep and I try but sleep just won’t come. So then I go back to leave just leave just get a way. But a way from what I cry I can’t help it I can’t stop it I just cry and cry. I feel like talking to someone but at the same time I really don’t want too. I feel like I need to get this all out and I don’t know what to say or where to start if I had someone sitting here in front of me to listen all night. I wouldn’t know what to say I wouldn’t be able to say anything I wouldn’t want them to know how I feel or that anything was wrong. I am not sure why I am writing then I just feel I need to do something anything. To try to busy my mind and get it off of everything running threw it. But it don’t matter what I do it just won’t stop it. Everything just keeps coming and flooding threw me I feel like I can’t breath at times like I am smothering. I just want it to go a way I want it to stop. I have thought about going to the hospital a lot the last day or so but why what are they going to do what do I tell them? I feel like it isn’t that big of a deal and that I will get threw it I always have before. But how long do I have to wait this time how bad does it have to get before it gets better. It seems to last longer and be worse and get worse every time. It seems to get worse every day lately. I don’t understand yesterday wasn’t to bad the day before wasn’t good it was drab cold and rainy the air was thick. yesterday I wasn’t happy but wasn’t sad I just felt in a funk. I don’t know what it is even when I am doing other stuff I keep having this thought to go to the hospital and I keep having this thought to go to church. I don’t have a church and like the hospital if I went to one what am I going to tell them? They are all just going to think that it is no big deal and that there is nothing wrong I just need to get up and do something and get happy or whatever. I want to so bad I want to be happy again like I was a few years ago. this is just not a good time of year and with everything that has happen and that is happening I just don’ t know. Thee is just so much going on so much I am worried about then I worry about the baby and the stress I am going threw and the effects it is having on it. I just feel like if I wasn’t here everyone would be better off. My kids would be better off because if I wasn’t in the picture they wouldn’t have to wonder why mommy never does anything or stays in her room all the time. If I wasn’t here they would just get use to it and have a new normal and go on with life and forget about it. All while having them thoughts I am thinking no they wouldn’t they need me here they need me to get better and be the mom I use to be. That I am the only one who really fights for them and makes sure they are ok safe and have the things they need. I am sure part of that is why I feel the way I do because I am pretty much the only one who dose for them. Ex does what he has to do for them to get by. He don’t fight for them or take care of them like they are use too. He gets over whelmed and throws fits and says things to them and in front of them. Even if that is how you feel you don’t say that or do that in front of them. They didn’t ask to be here they can’t help it they can’t do it them self and things. They don’t understand how hard it can be and how over whelmed you can feel because of everything going on. They don’t understand that yes sometimes we just need a break because of everything and that moms and dads just don’t get that break often enough. They don’t know none of that and they shouldn’t they are kids. They shouldn’t be made to feel bad because they need something want some thing or because something happens. I am the one who tries to hold it all together and keep everything from them and make sure that everything gets done. I heart hurts I feel feel sick I feel like I am going to be sick. My head is pounding from crying my jaw and neck hurt from being so¬†tense. My blanket and pillow are wet from all the crying since I laid down here to write this and my other post. As all this stuff runs or should I say flies threw my mind because I don’t know how anyone person and can have such thoughts and contradicting¬†thoughts to go with them all at the same time and so many so fast. It is like I took a cd or a move and put it on fast¬†forward¬†and am trying to watch it. That’s how it seems the thought are going threw my head a whole move and warp speed all in a matter of minutes and then it starts over or just keeps going like it has no ending ever. The last 3 days or so I can’t even sleep good when I do fall asleep. I keep having these dreams bad dreams I am just trying to get a way. I don’t know what I am trying to get a way from most the time there is just something after me and I am trying to get a way. Sometimes it is about the snakes lizards and reptiles all around and trying to get me I feel like they are trying to kill me. A new one the last couple of day I my ex is chasing me and trying to get me he is really mad at me for something. Not RC but father of the year ex. I don’t know why we are all right here in the same house together him in his room over there or at work and me in mine. We have had a few¬†arguments¬†but nothing big. He hasn’t said or done anything out of the way or even gotten mean or nasty in a while. We got into a argument Saturday night and he left to go see a friend he had plans to go out. I was upset and typed him a not so great email and I figured we would get into it about that but he has never really said anything about it. I know he got it and read it because he made a couple comments. But he wasn’t really mad then and didn’t really say anything about it. Everything is just as is doing our every day thing. I was kind of surprised about it and that he didn’t get really mad about it and say more. But I don’t feel like he would try to do anything to me or anything like that. I have had the thought the last couple of weeks that he may try to take the kids and things because of the way I have been and how bad I have been. I don’t know why but that has been bothering me for a week or so now it keeps going threw my head. That that he is going to use what I have went threw the last few months against me to try and keep them and not let them have them back. I feel i need to go and fix everything with them and make sure people know that I am with them and that I have them or have them back. But then I can’t show I have a place and things so that don’t look good when they ask. Even if I do he can still use the fact that we are still living here and things to try and keep them. But then I know it is all just my mind because at the same time I tell myself you know he don’t want them all the time and he can’t handle them all the time. He has done said it to many times and to many people have seen it. He has said it in text and letters to me all of witch i have. He says all the time in the same letters and things what a great mom I am and that he don’t want to take them a way from me and they need to be with me and they are better off being with me all the time and that he is ok with just having them on holidays weekends and when he is off and come and get them. He don’t want to not be in their life but he just knows that he can’t do it all on his own like I have been for so long. He couldn’t do it for a week with just two of them. i know part of it is being here with him again all the time too. It bothers me because it confuses the kids and they don’t understand and they are going to have to get use to us all living in different house and things again. I tell them all the time this isn’t going to be this way and it is just a temp thing and stuff but I don’t think they really get it. I have applied to job after job after job and don’t even get a call back. I have a 3 year gap in my employment history because I stayed home with my kids when I got laid off. I put that I worked for my friends store for a while. But there are gaps all in it where I worked until the places closed or I got laid off a lot of times and then if I didn’t have to I didn’t go right back to work I stayed home until I had the baby and stayed home for at least a year or so with them and things. So they still don’t call you back because they don’t feel you are looking for something full time all the time. they don’t think that things change and you may need to work full time now. I can’t do the things I use to do either. I hurt my neck and upper back when I got hit. Plus I got a report from two years ago they just done x rays and said that the bones in my back are deteriorating, there are flat spots in a few different places my back was turning in and like a¬†trapezoid¬†in a spot and that i had all this stuff forming all threw the spine. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not in some kind of pain most days from it. I have built up such I high pain tolerance¬†from it because I can’t walk around popping pills all the time. I know how to do stuff on the computers but I don’t know the office programs and things like that that everywhere once you to know. I am not a good speller and things either but I can do good and get by I always have with no problems. Then feeling the way I do if I had a job I can only imagain trying to drag my self threw the day and hold it together. I don’t like going out and being around a bunch of people and things. I use to be bad in big crowds I couldn’t do it. But I could go to the store and places and if I had to go into big crowds i knew what was going on and I would talk myself out of wanting to run or have an attack and things. Right now the thought of going into the store is just something I don’t even want to think about. i don’t know so much it is the fact of being around the crowds of people or if it is more the fact that it would take energy to get up get ready and even go threw the store to get the things I need and like everything else I feel I have none left to do anything with. I just don’t know anymore. I feel like a huge mess. I feel like I just want someone to hug me and love me like I do my kids and to tell me everything is going to be ok and that they are here to help take some of the stress off. I have never had that. I never really felt that much when I was a kid I always felt like a berden and like everyone just done what they had to to get by and get us grown on our own. I think that is one reason I fight so hard for my kids and care so much about my kids. I don’t want them to feel that way ever. I love my kids to death and I want them to know that and feel that. I want to be close to them and them to be close to me. That is another reason why this is so hard on me because I know even though they don’t say it and they don’t show it it is effecting them me being this way. I just got to get out of this and get over it and I just don’t know feel like I can this time. I feel like something has a hold of me that is way bigger than me that there is just no way out this time. I have never really felt like this even when I didn’t want to live before I didn’t feel this way. I want to live I want to get over this I want to be here for my kids I want to be that mom they use to know. I just don’t think I am going to ever get back there. Even when I am having really good days I feel like I am walking around in a haze or something. I feel like I have been sleeping the last two or three years. I feel so lost with everything and how to do even the most basic simple things at times. I just don’t know what is going to happen or what to do at this point i really don’t anymore. This has went on for way to long and it just seems there is no end in sight. At least for right now this few minutes now I am starting to calm down some. The wanting to run a way is going a way I feel like I can breath again and I am not crying my eyes out. I feel so exhausted¬†but yet still don’t feel sleepy. My body feels so heavy. I am going to go try to find something to watch and hope peaceful sleep comes soon. I am sure two out of three will be up by at least 8 if not before. I need to be at least a wake and know what is going on and feed them and things. Ex has to work. I really feel like i do just need to get a way for a little bit just me by myself for just a few days or week even to just relax and not have to worry or think about anyone but me for a change. I have not had a kid with me for more than a few hours in the last 4 years. Probably. I all most always have a kid with me or thinking about where they are and being there to pick them up in a little bit or something all the time for the last 3 to 4 years. I might get a break for a few hours once every 6 months. Even then I am still thinking about them what they need if they are ok getting done in time to get back and be there with them on time and on and on. if your a mom you know what I mean. but you probably don’t because you probably have people who help you and support you and your spouse. People who know it is important that that you have a night or two here and there every so often to not have to worry about the kids and just relax. I really don’t have that. I don’t have anyone who watches my kids or takes my kids for the night or weekend or even the day. I really don’t. They are all to busy with their own life or feel that you should be with your kids 24/7 and your a horrible person for not wanting to be.

{October 23, 2012}   Lonely And Missing Things

Been feeling pretty lonely lately, It’s hard when you go from having someone there every day and night for 9 years to having no one ever. We are born to crave and have human interaction and touch. Sure I have interaction with my kids and hugs and things. But it isn’t the same. It isn’t the same as the interaction and touch from the opposite sex. There is that depth there that isn’t there with a child or friend.

It’s funny because it isn’t like I miss anyone person from the past year. I miss different things from all of them really. Like my ex I miss how he use to give me massages just about every night if not at least when I really needed them. They weren’t long but just enough to make the pain go a way or bearable at least so I could sleep. Because I don’t take pain killers and the handfuls of pills they give you to get by. I am going to be messed up for the rest of my life. I have 3 kids to take care of and do for. It is hard enough at times the way I heart sometimes. The last thing I need to do is get addicted to pills on top of it. And I know it happens very easly even if you are taking them how they tell you. I may take something once or twice a year and then it is to the point that I am in tears and can’t move it hurts just to lay on the bed.

I miss the having someone in the evenings to watch tv or just talk after the kids go to bed. Some one for support and comfrot when things aren’t going so great. I miss being there for them to. To just listen and do what I can when they need it. i miss doing things together. Up until the last few years when we were fighting my ex use to go every where with me and the kids. We always did things as a family. No matter what it was. with RC we use to always to whatever needed to be done together or if one of us had to go somewhere we always went together just to hang out and spend time together. With my ex work and everyone and everything else became more importaint than us. With RC I think the kids over whelmed him. If it was just us or us and the two kids it was ok but if it was all of us I went or he went.

I miss the working together as a team and getting things that need to be done done so we can spend the rest of the time doing something we want to do or spend time with the kids.

I miss the sex and being close that way most. I am a bit of a nymphomaniac and it has really been getting to me lately. I have been a month with out any and the 6 months before that sucked. But I don’t want to go out and just find someone to hook up with. My friend I was seeing between me and ex braking up and RC getting to gather had messaged me a few times the last few months. He made some comments but I was still with RC. He hasn’t said anything the last month or so. Kind of disappointing. I wouldn’t mind hooking up with him again for a while. We got along pretty good. It’s been a year since we were together and were talking. In ways it seems like forever and in ways it seems like yesterday.

et cetera
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