{September 24, 2013}   We Are The Outcast

I hate father of the year I really do and I had moved past having any feelings for him for so long. I hate that I hate him I liked not feeling anything toward him at all and just the indefrent feeling I had toward him. I felt better when I felt indifferent toward him. I think it is because my hate for him makes me not want to be around him and makes him being around unbearable. But he has done so much to me and my kids in the last year it is hard to feel anything other than hate. I don’t like the word hate I don’t allow my kids to use the word hate and wish there was some other word to use but that is just how I feel. Mostly for what he has done to my kids what my kids are going through and the problems he has caused. He will tell you different and tell you why it is everyone else fault but his and how he did nothing wrong.

My son wanted nothing more than to move here and make friends with kids in the the neighborhood. Not to much for a 8 year old little boy to expect to be able to do. Nothing he shouldn’t be able to do. Unless he has his father. One of the first nights we moved in we had a trailer we rented to get our beds here until we could bring other stuff. We just needed beds so that we could stop staying with other people the kids could be in school like they needed to be. The way my truck sits and the way the driveway is I couldn’t get the trailer backed up the drive way. I told him to just let me just pull in and park it but nothing do him it was going to be backed in. A task he can’t do if everything is perfect. He knows you have to turn the wheel the opposite way of where you are trying to put the trailer but when he is trying to do it and trying to back it in he just can’t get it together to do it. I won’t lie I have had problems a few times but nothing I couldn’t get out of. Well he was so hell bent that it was going to be where he wanted it and backed in how he wanted it. He unhooked it from the truck and started trying to push it in like he wanted it. Of course loaded and the size trailer it was to big to do that by himself. The guy across the street leaving to go somewhere seen him fighting with it to get it where he wanted it and offered to help. Him being in one of his moods refused and wasn’t very nice about it. So that set the tone from start with them.

They have been here for who knows how long and are friends with the other people around us up and down the street so I am sure they talked. Ad to that the fact that any time he gets mad he stomps around slams around and acts worse than a kid who don’t get their way. With who ever out there to see and hear. Then the time he was in the yard following me to my truck why I was leaving to get a way from him. He proceeded to scream yell and cuss me and tell me what I was. Every thing from a cunt bitch and whore. How I was and the things I did and then turn around and ask me for money before I left and go off again when I told him I wasn’t giving it to him after all that he just said to me. I know I wouldn’t want my kids going to anyone’s house I seen the father acting like that. But my poor son thinks it is him and the kids don’t want to play with him. They pick on him and things because of stuff he did. I know it isn’t because of anything he did he hasn’t been here and hasn’t done anything to anyone or for anyone to not like him. They pick on him because they hear their parents talk and they are told not to come over here and play with them and who knows what else about him or us because of what ex says and does in front of them. I don’t know how to explain it to him that it isn’t really him and things and that it is father of the year’s fault they act the way they do to us. I know if he wasn’t hear and that stuff didn’t happen he probably would have no problem making friends and having kids over. It just sucks that he is the cause of it and lets my son think it is him and swears he has done nothing wrong and that he is just fine. I really do think that his problems are getting worse as time goes on. I don’t know what to think or do. There really isn’t much you can do when they refuse to get help. I just pray that if my son ever finds himself in a spot where his wife and kids are saying there is a problem he listens and gets help before he loses everything like his dad and before he gets worse. I hope that we get things straight and can find somewhere to move so that we don’t have to stay here and there will be kids he will be able to make friends with. If we can’t that I can get ex out of here asap and maybe get on everyone around here’s good side and not have to worry about it. Maybe once they see that ex is gone things will be better since he is the one they see thoroughgoing the fits.

I can’t believe I just thought of what today was and it hadn’t crossed my mind all day. Today was our 10 year anniversary. We were supposed to have been divorced for a year now but he stopped it and I haven’t been able to fix it yet. It is so hard to believe where we were ten years ago and where we are now. It’s crazy too how fast things can change and how much in such a short time. I am surprised that he didn’t say anything about it he had been saying stuff about it off and on for the last month or so. How he wanted to get a baby sitter and take me out and things. I just said why we aren’t together and should be divorced already and you never wanted to take me out the last how many years when we were together. Why start now? The last two or three years we were together he didn’t want to take me out. Lied the last one told me for weeks about all these plans and then ignored it promised to make it up the next two weeks and never brought it up again after that. Then last year when I have thrown him out we haven’t lived together for 9 months and I am living with someone else he wants to start texting me and asking me if he could take me out and if we could talk and try to work things out. And again this year after all he has done and wants to talk about taking me out. He really has problems.

Last year I told him why would I do something like that I am with someone and happier than I have been in a really long time. I have given you chance after chance why would I even meet you to talk about anything or anything else and risk screwing things up. I have someone new and to many kids involved to even consider doing something like that and putting myself or any of us through that. I told him I didn’t need to go out with him talk to him or anything else with him because I already knew that there was nothing he could say that would change my mind or feelings to come back to him even if I wasn’t with someone else. He was so mad well we could just talk and work things out so we could get along better because of the kids and things he said. I wouldn’t do it I know he just wanted to cause problems between me and RC. I wasn’t going to let him do that. He got so mad it wasn’t even funny. I think shortly after that is when he tried to keep the kids and showed his ass so bad the one time I went to pick them up. Then I had to take a tow truck and cops to get my truck out of there.

Funny how I think of it and look at the time and it is one minute before mid night. Guess it was just one of them things I wasn’t supposed to think about or have on my mind today.

I am sure like me you have heard the age-old saying that women date guys like their fathers and guys look for women who remind them of their mothers or who are like them. I never paid it much mind until I read something along those lines on a blog the other day. When I read it this little light went on in my head. One of them aha moments.

I didn’t marry a guy like my dad. My dad was a great dad when he was around. He is the one I am closest to out of all my family and who has always tried to help me and support me no matter what. I don’t know how to explain it but I just never really seen too much in guys like my dad. He is hard-working and things but he is a home body who don’t really do anything but work and go home. I want someone who wants to get out do things go places or whatever.

I did however marry a guy like my step dad. Not 100% like him but I would say 95% like him. That wasn’t really a good thing after all it seems. When you’re a kid you don’t notice a lot of things about people you mostly notice the good things unless there is just something really creepy or odd about them you get bad vibes I guess you would say. He wasn’t around much when I was older as him and my mom got a divorce and he was out of the picture for a while. But I always remembered him working, and spending time with us and taking us places and he always helped my mom do things that needed done around the house. He would try to cook sometimes you could even eat it. He went out but it didn’t seem like a lot to me back then and mostly him and my mom went out when us kids weren’t home on the weekends. Over all he was just your all around dad and husband.

When I got with ex he was like that always do little things for me we were always together doing things. When we moved in together we would cook together and clean up after. Whatever needed done around the house we did together to get it done and over with so that we could go do whatever with the rest of our day. If one of us went somewhere the other was always there. When we had our first baby he was kind of not sure what to do or expect he had never really been around kids and babies. But he was ready to learn and help and always spending time with her.

As the years went on you start to see little things and notice little things and at first they aren’t a big deal. But then after a while they grow from just little things to bigger things and then it becomes a problem. It got to where he would lie a lot and about stupid stuff that was pointless to lie about. He would do every thing he could to avoid any kind of conflict no matter what it was how bad it was or what anyone done. They could say or do just about anything they wanted to him or me and he would act like it was no big deal and go on. It didn’t matter if it was right or wrong. He would never tell people no or do anything he thought might make another person upset, mad, mad at him or to think something bad of him. If he told someone he couldn’t give them a ride they might think he was an ass or be mad at him. He couldn’t have that so he just done it. No matter how much he didn’t want to or how far out-of-the-way it was or how much they put him out.

It got to where they became big problems between us because he started lying to me about anything and everything. It didn’t matter if I already knew he would still try to lie to me. No matter what happen or who it was he let them treat me and talk about me any way they wanted too. Even if it was nothing to do with me and something he done. He would let them jump me for it. I would be trying to defend myself and explain it and he would just sit there and say nothing or run a way. Then tell me later he was sorry and that was supposed to fix everything. After a while sorry don’t cut it. I want a man who is going to stand up for me and take up for me. They damn sure better if I am getting jumped and shit for something I had no part of and it was all them.

Then I got with RC and he was nothing like my dad or my step dad. He was different all together. I don’t know how to explain it. He was a lot like me. Didn’t care who you were if you were wrong you were wrong and he wouldn’t mind telling you. If you asked something you better really want the answer because it isn’t going to be sugar-coated or beat around the bush good or bad your going to hear the truth. And if someone starts they better be ready to handle it because we aren’t going to back down. But he also if someone started with me messed with me or disrespected me he was quick to jump in and put a stop to it. I know I stepped on toes there some because somethings he would be handling that had nothing to do with me but I felt they weren’t treating him right or doing what they could be or something I would want to step in and say something or I would. I know he didn’t like it he would say he could handle his own stuff and he didn’t need me to take care of stuff for him. I knew he didn’t but I was just so use to always doing it for myself my kids and for my ex. If I didn’t do it or handle things they didn’t get done. It was hard to sit back and not say something or fix it. Plus it would make me mad if I felt he still wasn’t getting done right even if he did.

He use to say when we first got together that when we talked it was like talking to himself in the mirror, because we had pretty much the same view on most things. But it was nice to have someone who was more of and equal than the experiences I had with my ex and guys in the past. He at first helped with stuff and we did most stuff together and things too. If he was working on a the truck or had a side job to do I went with him and would help him or just go to keep him company. We would go out when we didn’t have the kids and things. He would help around the house with dinner and we had to go out to wash the clothes so he would go with me and help me when we didn’t have all the kids. It gave us time together and it got it done faster so we could do something we wanted to why we didn’t have them.

But after I moved it the helping around the house and with things pretty much stopped. The going places together did too. We use to talk every night we would sit outside or somewhere and just talk for an hour or two sometimes more. We talked about everything from what was going on anything that happen that day the other needed to know about and then just things between us and where we were going what we were doing and make plans to get moved and things like that. That slowly faded a way too. If we did sit and talk it was more him telling me what was wrong what I needed to do and what he wasn’t going to do and things like that. He talked at me not to me or with me.

When I read that tonight on that blog that aha moment hit me. I know what happen with me and ex and I know what happen with me and RC.

You see no my ex isn’t like my dad and too much like my step dad. My step dad lied a lot too and really looking back was very passive aggressive. To us it was just mom and RF are fighting again or whatever and many times I would try to figure out why my mom was so mad at him because he did so much and was always there. But looking back he treated her a lot like my ex treated me. As I was living threw it with my ex I seen a lot from when my mom and RF were together that you don’t notice when you’re a kid or don’t think about as something being wrong.

But I could see why it didn’t work out between them like it didn’t with my ex and me. I should haven’t had picked someone like my step dad to be with. Because I don’t want someone like that either. Their they have a lot of good about them but the few bad trump the good when they don’t try to fix it or just don’t want to fix things.

My ex messed up when we got together because he didn’t pick someone like his mom when looking for someone to be with. If he wants to be the way he is and not change things or work on things he needs someone like his mom who will put up with him and take his shit. Like his mom does with his dad. His dad drinks a lot and is a lot like him in ways all though I think his dad is more out spoken and things but he is still not a very nice person and not very good to him mom either. But she just keeps quiet does what he says and what he wants and lives with it what ever he does. Truth me known I am sure that he hits her too. I didn’t know it but ex told me a while back that his mom and dad almost split up and got a divorce right after I left him. I am sure he threaten her or scared her into coming home I don’t know. Supposedly they went to counselling but it couldn’t have been for very long or very many times. Because when ex told me about it they hadn’t been talking about it for very long and then it was they were together and everything was fine again. He probably done like ex tried to do to me and went somewhere long enough to get her to stay and then stop going. But he really does need to find someone like his mom if he is going to have a relationship that is going to last.

RC messed up because he didn’t get with someone like his mom either. He didn’t find  alcoholic drunk who drank and smoked from the time she got up until the time she went to bed. Who was jealous of him and anyone else who had their kids and was trying to take care of them and raise their family. Because she didn’t she was to busy drinking partying and drugging all the time to do it. Their grandparents raised them. His sister is scared of her. She came and seen us his mom lived 3 doors down from us she hid when she came out and went by to go to work and wouldn’t let any of the kids outside alone or close to her door. She said she might pull them inside and refuse to give them back try to kidnap them. The woman next door to me use to talk to his mom some she told me how she would talk about us and our kids and things. She said she can’t stand it you all have your kids and you all are doing it alone until you got together and was doing it. She didn’t like it because it was something she couldn’t do and she felt guilty. She had gotten a little better I guess now that they are grown and he had something to do with her. She did cook and clean and stuff and help him by cleaning and things. But for the most part she is just a stone cold alcoholic and he would even say that. Her liver was about shot she was going to the doctor and having problems with it when I was up there.

But when he was looking for someone he was looking for someone like June Cleaver. The parts that would come clean his house 2 or 3 days a week for him and keep his kids when ever he told her to so he could do what he wanted and who he could control by threatening to not talk to them, not taking them places, or whatever he thought of.

He too should have looked for someone like his mom because there are not do many people who are not drunks going to be treated that way and be instant mommy to his kids. I loved his kids to death and treated and thought of them as my own. But when you are putting two families together like that and you are increasing the size of a family to that size there needs to be some help. One person should not be expected to do it all. Plus when they are expected to pay half the bills and paying yours too. Not like I moved in had no money coming in and expected him to work take care of me and my kids and to come home and help take care of stuff and think I shouldn’t have to work. It wasn’t like that at all. I helped with everything bill wise and kid wise around there and handled the kids 90% of the time because he was at work. But I didn’t feel it was to much to ask for a little help around the house with stuff that was to do with everyone. He told everyone I didn’t work or pay anything when I was there.

I think like me when we met and got together he liked that we were more equal than it had been with his ex’s and things in the past. I was more down to earth and could handle most things on my own and take care of myself. He didn’t have to worry about me like the others. He would tell me some of the stupid stuff they would do or get into he would have to take off work or drop what he was doing to go take care of what ever it was. Or he couldn’t trust them to do things and get them done and taken care of and they would complain because when he wasn’t working he wasn’t stuck to them like glue. Like me they could go where ever he went or do whatever he done but they didn’t want too. They didn’t like it he wasn’t always doing just what they wanted to do. I wasn’t like that. I didn’t mind going and doing what he wanted to do or needed to do. I was use to doing a lot of it already because I grew up around it and I hung out with guys most the time anyway so if I didn’t I was around it with them. I like hanging out why they work on the car or going out to the river and fishing, I use to fish all the time when I was little now I like to just sit by the water and talk or whatever why he fishes. Sometimes I would fish with him or just help the kids so he could fish if we had them because he didn’t get to go that often. But he would also go to the store with me if I needed to go shopping for something or get the kids stuff and if I just wanted to look around. I know he wasn’t crazy about it but he would go because just like when I went with him it is time we are getting to spend together. We did things we both liked to do too like go to the flea market thrift stores and actions and things too.

When I decide to get back into a relationship I don’t want someone like my dad or my step dad. I want someone who is more of an equal to me. I want someone who is like me. Someone who can take care of their self, someone who can handle their own and isn’t going to back down or worry about what other people think of them because they are standing up and doing what is right. Or because they are not bending over back wards to please everyone. Maybe if us women stop looking for a daddy and guys stop looking for a mommy and we start looking for an equal we would all be better off and the divorce rate would go down. Really if you think about it why do we want some one like our dad we are grown we don’t need daddy around all the time. Men you are grown you don’t need mommy’s apron strings to hang on to. We need a partner in a relationship. A father daughter or mother son is not a partner type relationship. There is a big in balance in power there and that just don’t work when you are trying to have a relationship. I know the term is a figure of speech or just a general idea of how you are supposed to want someone to treat you. But I think in today’s time people really are looking for that daddy figure or that mommy figure and it just isn’t going to work.

{November 24, 2012}   Truly At A Loss

I have to say that I am at a point in my life that I have no clue what to do or where to go or where we are going to end up at the end of the week. I have never been in this position in life. I have to figure something out. I have been trying to for a month or so now. But when you are on a very limited budget it is very hard to do. I have nothing of value to sell or trade. I have my one truck out there but it isn’t running and people aren’t looking to buy cars right now. Everyone I know is just getting by and making it right now. My dad use to help us if we got into trouble once in a while because work got slow or something like that. But he isn’t able to help us anymore either. He isn’t working anymore and is sick. He is on much smaller budget too now. He can hardly pay his stuff on what he gets he is trying to find somewhere cheaper. He is moving in a few days to a smaller place that don’t need work and has heat because the guy isn’t fixing things and hasn’t fixed the heat.

My mom and her husband don’t have room and it isn’t a good spot to be staying with them. They aren’t getting along as it is and he acts like he don’t like us even being there just to visit most the time. I don’t even want to think about what it would be like if we had to stay there. With my son being in private school for special needs kids he gets money to help pay for it they have already been paid so he wouldn’t be able to transfer. If I put him back in regular school then he loses his money and spot at the other school and he is doing so much better there than he did at the public school.

I still just want to find something until about Feb or March and then move a way to somewhere else. But my mom don’t want us too. We were all going to try to go together and get places but now with her needing all these test and things and maybe sick she can’t just move. It is going to take a big chunk of money to just find out what is wrong. Probably more than what she would need to move on.

We were talking the other day she keeps asking me if we are moving and where to and what we are going to do until then and where we are going to go. She don’t want us to go that far a way. But then she says now that she they can’t leave our state because of her husbands job. He can move anywhere in the state and work but not out of it. If he moves out he has to take more test and things to keep his license to work. He had a really hard time getting it here he is afraid to go somewhere else and try to get it.

I want to move out of the state. Even if they moved farther north a few of the places I was looking at going isn’t that far into the next state or just in the next state so it wouldn’t be to far a way. But if I moved there now before they move I am going to be a good distance a way. I don’t want to leave if she is sick.

But if I wait then I will have to spend the money I was going to move on to stay here. If I was able to stay here and save it I would risk being taken to court by either my three kids now’s farther and made to stay here or the babies dad coming back around and making me let him take it and see it and keeping me here. Everyone has been telling me again they can see what went on and that what I said about him was true and that they don’t think I have anything to worry about because he still don’t even have his kids he had when we were together. They don’t think he is going to even come around if I am here when i have it. But it is a risk I am taking if I wait to leave. If I stay here the money I would move on I would need to hold onto in case he did because then I would need to spend it on a lawyer. I really don’t have it to spend on that right now and if I end up staying here even for a few months I will probably need part of it to live on.

Me and my mom don’t always get along and she is the way she is but she is still my mom and I don’t want to just leave her if she finds out she is sick. the kids are close to her and things I want them to be able to spend as much time with her as she can. My sister and her little girl are here she don’t have anyone else here but my mom and us. I don’t want her to get stuck here alone. If we all move she says she wants to go. But if I go by myself she would stay here with my mom.

If my mom isn’t sick I would still go. She will do what she is going to do. I had planed to go with out them to start with. Then they wanted to all go together they want to move too. I told them I didn’t care but that I was going for sure the first of the year with or with out them. Then we found out all this with my mom. I wish she could get the test and find out what is going on and what she needs to do so I have a better idea where I am going to be. If I knew I was going to be here longer at the first of the year I would try to find something more long term so that I didn’t have to move again at the first of the year.

I am done and over being around ex he is doing nothing but getting on my nerves. We were going to get a place together him stay in a different room until the first so we could split things and we could get something easier. But he has done nothing to save or try to find a new place he has done nothing to try and save this place. When I came back he told me he was in the middle of a work out with them and was turning papers in and things and they were pretty sure he was going t be able to keep it so we could just stay here. We have three bedrooms and area we can make a 4th. Then less than a month ago I find out he hasn’t turned the papers in that were supposed to have been in long ago. So now they have the sale date set for the house. He still stomps around here and acts like and mad man and talks to everyone like dirt. I am over it. He just goes and spends the money how ever. Knowing we have stuff to pay Christmas is coming and we need to pay bills and buy food and now move. He don’t budget he just spends and then when I ask if this or that needs paid or how much he needs for it he says oh well I don’t have it so it is going to have to wait. I told him the other night I was over being around him and seeing him all the time and the way he acts and does and that I thought he needed to find his own place to go by the end of the week and I would find somewhere for me and the kids. He needs to start paying child support again. He hasn’t since I been here the last few months and still behind on everything and not paying stuff. He is mad about that but hasn’t really said anything he just still walks around here like he thinks we are still going to be getting a place together. He is in for a rude awakening. I know he hasn’t been working as many hours at work as he was but even when he has the chance to get more he don’t get up and go so it is his fault that he isn’t. He would have more money if he would. Most all of what I get gets paid out as soon as I get it the first. By the time I pay my car insurance, phone, the bus for school, the truck payment I now have and gas for the month it isn’t much left. If he was paying me again I would be a lot better off. Then I would be in control of the the bills and the money I would know everything was getting paid and things. I wish I could find somewhere big enough to have a roommate for a short time. That would be a big help but I think I would end up paying more. A roommate better than my ex one who works when they can and pays their bills.

{November 12, 2012}   Can’t Help But Wonder

I posted awhile back about my middle son My Big Boy and all that we have been threw with him trying to get him the help that he needs and things. Everyone talks about my soon to be ex and how he is and the things he does. RC and everyone says I’m to nice to him and things. I guess in some ways I am but I just want to make sure my kids get to see their dad and spend time with him. I know he is an ass and he has treated me like dirt and talks to me the way he does. It isn’t easy for me to do that and it took along time for me to be able to forget it. He will say and do stuff to me and I won’t lie I get mad and things about it. But then by the next day or so I am over it and could careless. There is no point in staying mad at him or anyone else who dose something to you. They don’t care and it is giving them control over you.

My soon to be ex had a lot of problems in school and things growing up. He was in special classes and things like that up until High School. Then he fought and worked really hard to get out of them. He wanted to graduate not get a completion diploma. He was able to do that. But I see a lot of the same things in him that I see in my son. When he gets mad and things. The outburst he has the way he gets so angry and stomps and slams things around. The way he talks to me and the kids. All like a little kid having a fit or something. Then turns around and acts like nothing ever happen swears he didn’t do or say something he just did 5 minutes before.

I talked to him about it before. I wasn’t sure about bringing it up how he would respond with things the way they were. But I decided to one time. We talked about it and he said he thought he did have something like Elisha and that something was wrong maybe like what he had. I told him he needed to go and talk to someone about it and see what they said he is that way they can get him some help and things. He said he thought he needed too but it didn’t really go any farther than that. He has never really talked to anyone about it. If he did they could help him to learn to deal with things like they do our son. Him being a ware of it even if he didn’t go talk to someone he knows that when someone is sitting there telling you this or that isn’t right or your doing this or that again you need to think about it and we need to work this out or talk and he has no interested in working it out thinking about it or trying to stop what he is doing. You can’t help those who don’t want to be helped no matter  how much you want to or try to nothing is going to be changed.

I think the passive aggression stuff stems from what is going on also. He don’t know how to deal with people he don’t want to make anyone mad at him or upset anyone so what ever they want he will do. Even if he don’t want to and then he gets mad about it and takes it out on others or he gets mad and just don’t do it or does something different. I always talked to him about things and always asked for his input on things and we most the time came up with something we were both supposedly happy with. But he would still not do it so something else whatever. He see’s nothing wrong with doing that. He don’t feel it is lien because he just changed his mind. We are his family I am his wife I should understand and have no problem with him changing stuff all the time or doing stuff to make everyone happy no matter what he told me he was going to do. He should just be able to tell me he is sorry and go on his way or do stuff for me and I should just forget about it. That isn’t how it works. You can only do something so many times and say sorry so many times before it means nothing when it happens all the time. He says I messed up sometimes I am not perfect. No no one is but isn’t just a I messed up kind of thing when it happens every time you tell me you are going to do something or we are going to go out together.

I think about the way he is and the way things worked out between us. I think about how he has such a hard time meeting people talking to people meeting friends or having a relationship. Then I think about my son and how he is and how they are so much a like and I wonder if he is going to end up the same way? Is he going to have a hard time meeting people talking to people having relationships if he does talk to them and things. Is he going to be able to get a job and keep it? Will he be able to have a carrer not just jobs in his life. My ex has a very hard time getting and keeping jobs.

I think he has a hard time getting them because he isn’t good at talking to people so he bombs the interviews. Keeping them is a different story. He works he works great when he is there. All his employers have always told me they don’t worry about him they know if he is there he is working they don’t have to stay on him. But he is very slow at his work what ever it is he feels he has all the time in the world to get it done it. He has slow and slower for his speeds. There is no speeding him up. He also feels like he starts when ever. When he gets there he gets there it don’t. He is always late most the time only 5 or 10 minutes but there are times much later. When you have a job 5 or 10 minutes is a big deal. It isn’t just work it is anything he has to do he takes his time getting there and he is slow doing it. It isn’t like he tries to be slow or late he is late because he is slow most the time. In the 9 years that we have been together he has had 3 jobs and he got them all because of people knowing people. The first one I helped him get I had knew the people all my life and he had it for 5 years. The only thing that saved him there was that he worked and I would take him to work so I would do stuff to make sure he wasn’t late. I at one point set all the clocks up a half hour just to get him out of the house on time. Then he figured it out after a month or so. The others he got because of friends of mine the 2nd only lasted two years and I don’t know how that is again I think because when he gets there and he is there he works so hard an the fact that he will come in anytime they want him to even if he was supposed to be off. If they said jump he jumped so they kind of over looked the being late. Now the one he has he got threw a friend we met at church. He is hanging on there by a thread. I am really not sure why they have kept him this long. I have not been around to try and make sure he gets there and all that.

My son is very talkative and social right now he will talk to anyone and every one who will talk to him. He loves the girls and the ladies. He always talks to them and is always telling them how pretty they are or how beautiful they are. He tells them he likes their eye, outfit hair or whatever he see’s he likes. I think it is great because he is out spoken and not afraid to tell people what he thinks of them or how he feels about them.

But telling them and talking to them are way different and there are is more to a relationship than just those things. I worry about what if he can’t cope and handle a relationship? Is he going to end up being so lonely and unhappy? Is his girlfriend or wife going to understand what is going on and be nice to him for the most part if they split and have a family? I don’t hate my ex anymore. I really don’t I did at one point but I got threw that before we ever stopped living together. I get really mad at him at times for not doing right by the kids and things. But even with them I can tell he don’t really know how to talk to them and interact with them and take care of them. He gets mad and says things over the least little things. It bothers me and I say stuff to him about it and then he tells me how I’m wrong and he is fine. At one point in our marriage he was getting to be really bad with the kids and I told him he needed to go somewhere and take some parenting classes or we were going to have to figure out what we were going to do because things were coming to a stop. I was surprised because he did it. He didn’t go to classes but he tool some online classes he found. I wasn’t sure how that was going to work out but we agreed if I didn’t think they were working he would go and take classes somewhere. He took the parenting classes and some other classes they offered on there. He did really good for a while but everything slowly went back to the way they were. Then things between us just started to get bad and I never pushed it anymore. I know this is all going to be something he deals with all the time. I think about him how he is and how things are for him and then I think about my son and how he is and how it could so easily be him one day. Even if it don’t work out I would hope that whoever it is he is with is as understanding and is as nice to him and help him if he really needs it as I have for my ex.

I guess because I know he has something wrong like my son too makes it hard to just bash him put him down or walk a way from and treat him like shit or act as if he is dead. He is also my kids dad. If it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t talk to him as much as I do but I do it for the kids. I don’t want a bunch of fighting and even if you fight what are you going to say I picked on/beat up. Just like when RC kept wanting to go fight him and stuff I said no it isn’t right and when he would talk about him and things. You may as well be talking about my son. He is pretty much just like him and they can’t help the way they are.

{November 2, 2012}   A Long Night

I went to bed early last night. I always go to bed early 3 or 3:30 am is early right? Well I went to bed about 2. I was so sleepy for some reason I had already fell a sleep once why looking online. I was just getting to sleep good and ex came in and woke me up. He wanted to talk. He sits down on the foot of the bed and started rubbing my feet. I asked him what he was doing he said he just needed to talk. He starts telling me how he bad he wants sex and how he wasn’t over us and he wanted to get back together. Going on about how he couldn’t find anyone else. He tells me he can’t find anyone else because he picks them apart he is trying to find someone to replace me someone like me. I am laying here just thinking I can’t help you and we aren’t getting back together. I just told him that he wasn’t going to find someone else and that he wasn’t going to have a relationship because he can’t go from a relationship to another with out being done and moving on from the one you left. He says but I do then I get with someone and I start feeling so guilty. He says I think I just need a friend right now I think that’s all I want is just a friend. It’s been so long and I really don’t know what I want or what I’m doing other than that.  He started about how he didn’t know how I could just do what I did and that I must have had feeling for dk and that he knows that I like him have feelings for him and that we were together not just friends. We wouldn’t have done what we did if we were only friends. How I was when I wasn’t talking to him. How he gets a second chance but he can’t.

Number one we weren’t together we were just friends and we did what we did. I wasn’t mad at him when we stopped hanging out. I was going threw a really hard time I was mad at ex I was upset about my grandma and stressed. He made a comment and I snapped and went off. I shouldn’t have and like I said before it was one of them things he just happen to be the next one who said something that bothered me. If ex had said something or someone else had said something it would have been them I went off on. I was mad at myself for being so mean and so nasty to someone who really didn’t do anything at all. Yeah that is who I am going to see it isn’t a big deal we are both adults we aren’t seeing anyone we are friends we have known each other forever. What we do or don’t do when we hang out is no ones business. He started about how he hated him and how he hated RC and this and that. I said you have no reason to hate him you have never met him you don’t know him you don’t know anything about him you have no reason to hate him or RC because he has never done anything to you either. Well I don’t care they have they talked to you and were with  you and that isn’t right blah blah blah. I said we weren’t together we weren’t going to ever get back together and your the one that wouldn’t go threw with the divorce. Well it don’t matter. It is now their fault we aren’t together even tough I didn’t talk to either until he had moved out. Me and dk started hanging out not to long after but we weren’t before. Me and RC never got together until 5 months after we had split up.

We went around for like 2 hours or more. I finally just said look we are never going to get back together I never planed to get back together with you when I left you just need to get over it and move on. He started say well you don’t know if 5 years what might happen and they did this and that. I said so what you think I am never going to move on and talk to anyone or go out with anyone because you have it in your head that we might get back together? Well no but I said well then like I said you have no reason to say the things you have or feel the way you do. No one stole me from you you pushed me a way.

He tried to say I was putting what I wanted and going out over the kids and how I shouldn’t be going out Saturday night. Because the kids might want to spend time with me that night. I said I am here with my kids all the time. I have them for two weeks straight and don’t go out or do anything. The only time I go out is when they are with you. I don’t get a sitter and dump them when I only get them two weekends out of the month and if something comes up and I have them I cancelled my plans to be there with/for them. He says well you act like I have all this time in the world to do what I want and to see people and things. I have them all the time and I work all the time when I don’t. I said no you have them 2 weekends a month and maybe just maybe one or two other days for a few hours. Well I work I get up go to work and come home and I’m wore out I work til dark or after. I said that’s your doing you could find another job that you have a set 9 to 5 or whatever. You could go out after work and on the weekends you don’t have them. Well he is to tired and has other things to do. I said well just like when it was me and you and now you and your kids or you wanting to go out and do things. You have to make time and decide what your priority’s are. Right now you still haven’t figured that out or don’t have them in order like they should be. He don’t think so he thinks it is fine to drop his kids with a sitter and go out because he might get some when he only had them two weekends a month.

I told him lets go talk to his concealer and that I wanted to go with him because I didn’t think she would be telling him all this stuff he is doing is fine either. He got mad well lets go because I know I’m right I want her to tell you. I am sure he won’t ever do it because he don’t want to be told he needs to spend the time he has with his kids not with some girl. I can’t even think of half the stuff he said I just sat here looking at him like he was crazy why he ranted on and on about everything. I finally said it’s late I am going to bed you can sit here and stew or whatever you want but I am done talking about this and going threw it again. I got up and went to bed. He just got home from work he just acts like everything is fine and nothing happened. Jekyll and Hide I tell you.

{October 13, 2012}   I Tried Really Hard But

I tried really hard to just bite my tongue and not say anything. First I tried to get him to stay home but he wasn’t having that. Then he waits until I’m walking out the door to talk about he needs to change and get a shower. We finally got there and I couldn’t move with out him in my ass just standing there. No one was really talking to him or anything  but he had to be right there. I walked out side with a friend to talk why she smoked and in 2 mins he was standing there by me. When we got ready to leave we were standing there and my girl wanted one of the other girls to come spend the night. Most the time with things the way they are I would say no but me and Angela are close and she knows what is going on. She said she could but then the little girl didn’t want to because her sister was having a sleep over and things tonight. She was all upset and talking about how she hasn’t been able to have friends over and things for a long time. I was fed up because if her dad had took her over the summer I wouldn’t be in this mess. I would have been able to do what I was supposed to and we would have a place of our own not with him not with RC or anyone else our own place. Plus if her dad had not stopped the divorce June 13th I would have my child support coming in and documented threw the court and I could have went and gotten me and them a place when I left up there a month ago almost. I have enough money to get a place on my own coming in every month job or no job. But since part of it is not court ordered no where will count it. He has swore up and down he was going to fix it and take care of it and get it done every since we left the court room that day. 4 months later he hasn’t done the first thing to get it taken care of. I could but like he said he is going to tie it up as much and as long as he can because he don’t want the divorce. I have checked to see what I needed to do to get it back in court but I have to type up some paper I have never heard of never seen they don’t have any kind of copy template or anything else to go by. I don’t have a way to type it up or anything. I don’t have the money to pay someone to do it for me. The judge said he wants all the paper work in order and this other done before it goes back to court. I am so tired of going behind him and fixing the screw ups after I done took care of it and had it in order. I’m tired of putting out time money and everything else for him to screw it up. At this point I have to wait until I can pay a lawyer so that everything is in order and they can try and make sure everything is done so he can’t stop it.

We got into it on the way home then again when we got home. He got all mad and threw his computer across the room and everything else. Then stomped out of here throwing a fit like a 2 year old. He thinks I shouldn’t say anything and that I should just for get that he stopped it and that he hasn’t taken care of it. That it shouldn’t bother me that I have money coming in to do stuff with but can’t use it because he hasn’t done this and is tying everything up. I shouldn’t have a problem with the fact that he wants to sit here with me from the time he gets off work until he goes to bed at night or go every where I go when I walk out of the house. If he walks in the room and I’m on the computer and I laugh or am smiling he wants to know why. If I just say nothing or whatever he keeps on something what why won’t you tell me why don’t you want to talk to me. It just aggravated me putting up with him. it aggravated me that I can’t have the kids over and do the things for the kids I use to do with them and for them and their friends. He won’t even help with daycare now like he said he would so I can go to work. He said when I came here oh we will get them in daycare next week and get things going so you can get to work and get out of here. He hasn’t done anything but complain how he don’t have money and he needs to get more hours back at work and things. If he helped get daycare he could do that. It’s like always tell you one thing do something else.

I felt bad because I said something when we were at my friends house and this all started and another friend of ours was standing right there. She is the one that came up to the apartment when all the shit was happening with RC and help me that night. She was the one in the bedroom with me when I was changing and his mother came in there and started. I told her I said I’m so sorry seems every time we get together something happens. She just laughed. She knows how it is to she is going threw it with and ex and things too.

{August 8, 2012}   Love My Friends

Boy has it been a day, My soon to be ex posted something on his facebook things about someone stealing his women!! Bahahaha how did he steal something from him that he didn’t have at the time? Of course the first one to comment was the one who I done said something to before about getting into the middle of things between us. Up until we finally split and he moved out she didn’t talk to either of us anymore. She told him not to worry about it and that he done him a favor and that I am his nightmare now referring to RC. I have said very little when he post things and try not to get all into things on there. All though there has been a few times I did say something because it was lies or whatever he was telling. She said that I couldn’t not say something. I let her have it and told him that I wasn’t with him when we got together so he didn’t steal anything from him. I wasn’t real nice about it. I said more than a few 4 letter words. I know it probably wasn’t right but I’m over the poor him and this one running her mouth about stuff that has nothing to do with her. She told him when we were still together that he could do better and things. Called herself  trying to help. I told her about her and her old man and how she told me this and that about him and how unhappy she really was and all kinds of stuff. She then come back and told me I wasn’t a christian and I split my family up and that I was going to hell and all kinds of stuff. Then she said something about she knew that I cheated on my ex with my boyfriend now and that we were seen together so she knew it for a fact that I was talking to people before he ever moved out and before we ever split up. I don’t know how all this happen unless it was in her freaken dreams because me and RC didn’t even know each other until March. Me and ex split in October. We had split before that but he didn’t move out until the night before Halloween. But she say two or three times that she knows for fact I was with him well before we split up. I said I don’t know who seen us together but I would like for them to come tell me they seen us together before we split up because I will tell them to their face they didn’t see us and it is a lie because it is and they are. I asked her a few times and she never said anything. Tried to say the stuff I said about her wasn’t true and I was spreading rumors and shit. Then I said it isn’t rumors when it came straight from you. She still tried to say it didn’t until I told her I still have the text saved in my phone if she would like me to post them for every one. She has never said a word since then to anyone.

Before that why she was saying all this shit to me two friends of mine got on there with out me even knowing it and started telling her she was wrong and the stuff she was saying was a lie and that they knew we hadn’t been together until at least march. They were telling her she needed to stop and that the things she was saying about being a christian and stuff wasn’t right if she really was she shouldn’t be gossiping and tearing people down and talking about the things she was when she didn’t know what went on behind closed doors and things.  She came back and said a lot of stuff but they both came back and stood up to her and let her know she was wrong.

Not that I wanted what happen to happen or to happen the way that it did but in a way I have to say I am glad it did. I am really happy that they both came out and said something to her and set things straight rather people believe them or her I don’t know and really don’t care. But it is about time that someone stood up and said no this isn’t right and you shouldn’t be doing this. Because 100% of the time from the time we split he has posted shit and everyone has poor him poor him and acted like I was the worse thing ever and I did something so horrible. Others will say that isn’t right and we are tired of seeing it and stuff but we don’t want to get in the middle of things. I under stand 10o% not wanting to get in the middle of things or not take sides. I am not asking anyone to take sides and the two girls today who said something didn’t take sides. They both said many times they felt bad for what happen but this was between me and him and if he put something no one should respond the way they did and that no one should be dogging the other even if they did take sides and that they were both our friends and was there for either one of us but that it wasn’t right for her to say the things she said and really not right for her to be saying things that were not true at all. If more people would do that then he wouldn’t keep posting the whoa is me poor me my life is so horrible stuff. He would see that everyone knows it isn’t me or just me who messed things up and that he needs to grow up and move on and stop trying to cause drama.

Them doing that and my cuz calling to see if I was ok and checking in when he seen what was going on it’s been a pretty good day. I have talked to the three of them most the day.

{July 8, 2012}   Can’t Win Or Catch Break

Not sure how I feel today, It started off pretty good me and RC went to my church and then headed south to spend the day. We were supposed to go give a friend an estimate on doing some work to her daughters car and then go to the things with my family. Why we were getting lunch I called my sister to see if she needed a ride and she told me no she was going to be riding with my soon to be ex. She called him since he had the kids and asked him if he was bringing them and if he would give them a ride. I had planed on picking my kids up and taking them with me. I told her that I would just go by and see my mom and my grandparents before or after they were done and went home.

We went looked at the car hung out there a while and talked. When I left I called to see where they were and my sister said they had just gotten to where they were going to eat. They were supposed to have been there a hour or more before. I just told her to tell them I would see them next weekend because we are going to go back down and do the job on the car. Then my mom calls and says oh she don’t know why we don’t come and as long as RC don’t say anything he won’t and we have to understand why he is mad and has said stuff and I could do this for my grandma and all this stuff. I just told her we weren’t coming and that I would see her next weekend. Sure we could sit at a different table and things but it still the point that RC shouldn’t have to be put in that position and neither should I. If I wanted to spend every family function and get together with him I would still be married to him. Guess I can’t say that I am he made sure of that. But I would still be with him not someone else. My kids shouldn’t have to be put in that situation either. They are confused enough with out that. I didn’t go Easter because he was there they should have known I wouldn’t come today if he was there. I feel bad because I really wanted to go and I wanted to see my grandparents because I haven’t seen them in almost a year and my grandma is sick and things. But at the same time I was over 50 miles from home it wasn’t like I was just going to run him home and go back and I shouldn’t have too. He should be able to go with me.

He just came and dropped them off I got the kids let them say goodbye and sent them in the house. I said something to him about going every time there is a get together and me not being able to go or whatever. He said well they are my family to and family is always family and all this bullshit. Then he says well you can come it don’t matter what I said about anyone or how I feel. He tells me I should have come and told him to leave if I didn’t want him there. Yeah that just makes it look like me starting shit in front of everyone or causing a problem. I’m not going to do that.

My poor girl come home all upset because she wants to spend more than just the weekends with him. He told her he didn’t have money to pay for someone to watch them why he was at work. She said mommy I think I could watch my brothers why daddy works and grandpa would be there. She is 8 she is to young and shouldn’t even have to think about watching them and taking care of them. Yeah my dad is there but he isn’t able to keep up with them all day every day.

I am so aggervated and upset. RC just wants to go beat his ass. He is mad about the way he talks to me and treats me he is mad about him saying stuff to and in front of the kids and upsetting them and he is mad about the stuff he has said about him. I don’t blame him but it isn’t going to help anything and it isn’t going to make anything better. I am so sick of trying to be the peace keeper and keep every one a way from each other. I’m over it all I’m just going to go to bed and try to forget it all. But I know I am so stressed I will just be up and down all night or have all kinds of crazy dreams. I have for weeks now.

Oh and he told me I can go to any of the get to gethers his family has he don’t care. I told him I don’t want to and I have enough respect to let him go and spend time with his family with out sitting there in the middle of all of them. He don’t see it that way.

{July 6, 2012}   I Should Have Known

That when I texted him back yesterday morning that wouldn’t be the end of it even though he didn’t respond back. Later that evening around 6:30pm I got a text from him again out of the blue. Saying how he still cares about me and he wants to know if there was any way we could give it another try and he knew it would take time and counseling for both of us and blah blah blah.

I told him that I had went to counseling with him. That when we went he lied to the guy attacked me and let the guy tell me how I didn’t need to be there. I also told him that he never went back to him or anywhere else but once or twice since then like he had said he was going to. He said he has been going and that he would have to go for a while that he see’s things differently now. He said we both said somethings and did somethings. I told him I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true or that I didn’t mean. I haven’t I meant and felt everything I said to him or about him and I have never lied to or about him about any of this. No matter how hurtful or upsetting it may have been. If I felt it needed to be said or he needed to know I said it. Him on the other hand has told a lot of lies to people about me and said a lot of things to me just to try and hurt me. He will say it and I can say to him that isn’t true or why are you saying that. He would get mad and say I just wanted to hurt you or just wanted to make you mad. Why play games kids do shit like that not grown adults or supposed to be grown adults.

He said we were both stuborne and needed to work on that and a bunch of other stuff. I asked him why I would leave someone that I was happy with and go back to someone making me the same promises I had heard and waited on for years. He didn’t like that he said like I said to start with I know there isn’t a chance there but I had to try one more time sorry I bothered you and wasted your time. I reminded him of the stuff he started with the last guy I was talking to and how he sat at work and talked to and about me to the guys and things. Of course he said the other person lied and said more than what he said. Oh and when I said something about the guys at work and things is when he said we both done somethings and said somethings. He still don’t know that me and my mom talked and that she knows most the stuff he has told her is a lie. So he is still doing it.

Then today I took all the kids to McDonald’s to eat and play. I went to the one by my old house because I was going to meet a friend. He met me there when he got off work and picked the kids up. As he was putting the baby in his seat he said something about yesterday. I didn’t understand what he said. Then he said you didn’t want to do something for yesterday did you? I said no why would I? He just looked at me and said he was just making sure. Last year this time I was told not to make any plans and that he had a surprise for me he was going to take me out and show me something and show me how much he cared and wanted things to change. The day came and went and he never said a word. That after noon he got up and said get ready I said where are we going and he said to my moms house. Then we got in a fight and he made a 101 excuses. Then promised we would go the next and begged me to go with them to his mommies house. I told him the only way I would go with them was if he packed all his shit in the back of my truck and stayed there when we got there. He wouldn’t and I didn’t go. The next weekend was excuses and we would go the following one. the following one came and went I never said anything about it and he didn’t either. He was at the house 3 more months 3 months longer than I had given him and never tried to show me anything. So that is why we are where we are today.


et cetera
%d bloggers like this: