{December 14, 2020}   Abuse Is Love

In my last post I said I wasn’t sure what was worse in an abusive relationship, not feeling loved or feeling abuse was love? I think what is worse is when one feels that abuse is love.

I think that feeling abuse is just how one shows love or that it is normal is worse and more damaging. For the one’s who feel it is normal are the one’s who fall back into abusive relationship after another. Or stay to long or all together and don’t try to leave. For whatever reasons this is how their brain has been wired. Maybe they grew up in abusive household were they seen this between mom and dad. This was their normal. They for whatever reasons wasn’t shown love in life to know the difference. Maybe they didn’t grow up with seeing abuse or being around it and they just ended up with the wrong person and they have convinced them this is what love is.

Whatever the reason they find their self in this kind of situation or ending up in them repeatedly isn’t their fault. No matter what one has or hasn’t been through, being abused is not their fault. No one for any reason deserves to be abused. They weren’t asking for it nor did they do anything to cause it. The real problem lyes with in the abuser.

Then you have other’s who find their self in an abusive relationship, while they don’t feel love they know this is not right. They know they need to get out and away. They know that this is not what love is. They just have to figure out how to get out of it and away without making things worse. Once they do they shy away from relationships and pull out that microscope when they think maybe they are ready for one. It takes them awhile to let anyone get close or let anyone in.

But their down fall is they know what it is like to not feel loved and they don’t want others to feel that way. So they sometimes attract the wrong kind of people. They attract others who have been hurt and unloved. Some of them may be abusers too. While they may get close and feel the fire they also see a lot through that microscope and keep them at just enough distance. They have figured out how to set boundaries. So they play with the fire but don’t jump into it. While they still may get hurt it is more feelings and not abuse like in the past.

But when they finally find that one and they let them in they are all in. But they like I said before have their partner under the scope and looking to much into things. They hopefully realise it is more their self than their partner.

We have to know that we have our partner under that scope. When we see something that triggers us, we have to step back and ask ourselves why. Not move in for the kill and blow up on our partner. We have to ask ourselves are we triggered because of things from the past? If so we have to take the past out of it and look at here and now. Look at our partners as our partners. Not as our ex’s. Then we have to look at what it was that triggered us and ask ourselves the past aside in the here and now with this person. Is this really that big of a problem? If so why and work it out.

{September 3, 2020}   We Had A Talk

Finally had another talk with JW about a week ago about not being happy with sex still and nothing changing after our first talk. It was okay he wasn’t happy and on the defensive side. That really is understandable and to be expected.

We were laying in bed and he started and it wasn’t going well be finally stopped. He was going to go find the bottle of lube I told him not to bother. Of course he was wanting to know what was wrong and everything. I asked him if I could ask him something. He said yes was annoyed. I was trying to figure out how to ask make it sound right. He said something i said just forget it. He didn’t like that. Was asking what was wrong. I told him I wasn’t into it or enjoying it that I hardly do. He ask what was wrong. I told him I was trying to figure it out. He asked if it was from what happen in the past. I told him no he got all so it’s me? What are you trying to figure out? Why are trying to figure me out? Why haven’t you said something before now.

I said why would I you get all mad and act like I am attacking you. I said and you don’t listen and tell me story of your life you can never please me anyway.

He said when did I say that I haven’t said that to you. I said oh but yes you did the last time we were talking about this before work one morning. Instead of having a conversation you got all mad and attacked me. He just got quite. I said I’m not going to talk to you if your going to get all mad and attack me. I am not going to be done that way. I will just figure out how I am going to handle it and do. I said I am not mad at you, I am not attacking you, I’m not trying to fight. I just want to have a conversation about what is going on.

I said I’m not saying anything if your fault. I said I figure from thing’s you have said the way you do,talk and get defensive it’s because of how things were in your past. By this point I had ask him how sex was in the past for him. He said it was okay. I could tell by the way he said it he didn’t want to answer. He said with my last that is all it was about with her. It was okay I’m done hurry up get off me.

I said I can tell you are are always in such a rush or hurry. I told him I can tell he isn’t really into it that makes it hard for me. That I’m not ready and then to feel rushed makes it hard. That I don’t need to find lube I need him to not rush. I need him to slow down and really enjoy it not just do it to get off or because I want it.

He relaxed some and calmed down. He wasn’t as defensive. We talked for a bit. He really listened and gave feedback and input. I think he seen I really wasn’t trying to attack him or say he was wrong or what he was doing was wrong he was just wrong. That like with me he has dealt with things in the past that he has adapted to and he is just use to doing. He has to realize it and take steps to do things differently until it just because his new normal. I understand that and okay with that and know that it takes time. But he also has to be open to talking and know if I say hey I’ve notice this or that lately that I’m just trying to help. I think he will be more open to talking in the future.

Things have been so nice since we have talked. He seems to be enjoying things much more now. I feel like I can actually do something without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.

I hope thing’s keep going well. That we can keep having conversations without feeling attacked or getting defensive.

{October 16, 2017}   Sleeping Beauty

So, you know I have been talking to someone from work at the shop and he stood me up the other week. finally when I got a hold of him the next day he said he was sorry and that he was laying on the bed talking texting me and fell a sleep when we stopped talking. I now call him Sleeping Beauty. He was like I am so sorry I didn’t mean to fall a sleep, I was so tired was up late after working all day then repoed all day. I figure he must have because I know others that were trying to get a hold of him and couldn’t, they were asking me because they knew he was supposed to be with me. I just laughed told him he got scared, he says he isn’t scared. We have been talking still. I hadn’t been able to get out until this past Friday but then he had to work that night. I am not sure what to think about him. I wonder if he isn’t kind of scared, because we might get more on the subject of him and he isn’t wanting to, thinks that I may back away then. We talk and he has told me somethings but not a lot about his self or why he is where he is or anything like that. I know he has 5 kids that he says he can’t see and a grand-baby that isn’t that old. He told me about the baby the other weekend when I picked him up that morning and took him home. How his oldest had this baby and her mom or him either one didn’t know she was pregnant and she had it pretty early. She is in her teens. I said something about not hearing the boys laughing and giggling in the other room I thought they must of finally went to sleep. He made the comment he missed that. I ask how many kids he had, that is when he told me 5 but couldn’t see them. I ask why he said long story. We were texting and I didn’t push. I rather talk face to face about things like that. I did look him up and I wasn’t impressed with what I seen, I have not told him that I have looked him up. I just figured I wait until we were out and we were talking to see what he had to say about his past, kids, ex wife and things. He did tell me he was married I don’t know if he said once or twice now. But just little things here and there he tells or lets out when we will be talking about things. Like some how we got to talking something about weight and he said I use to be a big teddy bear. I said really, he said yeah and something about he wish he still was or liked it better when he was. I ask why he said he just feels strange now at the size he is. I said I was always small until I had kids and health problems and that although I didn’t care about how I looked or what others thought, that i was just very uncomfortable being bigger and don’t feel good when I am bigger. I feel so much better and more energy when I am smaller.

The things I seen when I looked him up I just don’t know about. My friend says she heard this and that about him and things. I said yes but he been in trouble x,y, and z times for the same thing. Not like it was a one time thing. I understand shit happens okay but a year or more apart and three times. I don’t know about that. He knows a lot about my past and what I went through with Father of The Year. And what I went through with RC, what I am going to school for, where I am doing my internship and all that. I wonder if he isn’t worried that when his past comes up I’m not going to stop talking to him and just act like he is a horrible person. I wouldn’t act like he was a horrible person or stop talking to him. But like I said in my other post, I am not sure where or if this is going anywhere or if I want it to. I won’t lie part of it is because of his past.

Oh and it was so funny we were talking about going out this weekend and he says to me, if we don’t go out this weekend don’t say anything to boss because he was pissed off at me last week. I said what? Why? Why does it matter what he knows? Thinking maybe the boss said something about us talking. I didn’t think so because when I was talking to my friend she said she asked him if he thought that he would be a decent guy or a good guy for me to go out with, and he said yes. He told her he was decent, good with kids, loved kids and how good he was with their son when he is at the shop and things. I couldn’t figure out why he would say that. I ask him what and why he still hasn’t said. I ask my friend or said something to her and she said she didn’t know what all was said. Just that she knew he said something to him about not doing me that way and standing me up and me and her being friends. I don’t know what was really said because he don’t tell her everything and he didn’t say he just said I will tell you later. I wonder if maybe he is worried about boss saying something if we did go out and something happen or we decided not to anymore. But if it is I don’t know why and would like to know if something was said. Because he shouldn’t be worried about boss saying anything about anything between us. I wouldn’t expect him to or think he should just because we are all friends. Whatever happens or don’t happen is between me and him outside work nothing to do with work. Other than everyone knows we are talking. But that is a given, I am not even sure how they all know unless he has said something to them about it or in front of them other than the one he lives with he has probably talked to him and I know he did talk to boss but that is it. But the other one lives with the boss so he has probably heard if him and my friend were talking about it or what. Who knows everyone knows everyone’s business around here. I really don’t care anymore. I also wonder if part of it is because he has said something about coming back here and watching a move or having some drinks and I have basically told him he can’t. Whatever we do has to be away from my house because of the kids, I made the comment to my friend that I didn’t want him meeting my kids anytime soon or them knowing about him. I know she said something to her husband about it. It came up later when she was telling me that she ask him what he thought about the guy from work and me and if he be okay. She told him I didn’t want anyone meeting the kids and things and he said yeah but all that might change or will change if I meet someone that I really cared about or was interested in and things. I said no it wouldn’t because my kids have been through enough with their dad, and RC. They don’t need to be brought into something that I have no idea where it is going or if it is going anywhere. He has told me he would come and help me do things around the house and she has said I should ask him about helping with a few things. But then the kids would be here. I said that is fine, he can come over to the house to help with stuff, he can meet my kids even. But that is it, he is there as a friend from work that is helping get something taken care of around the house nothing more. They do not have to know we are talking or if we are anything more than friends. My “friend” that I have had for years and baby sat his kid and everything else for has been to my house, I have taken him places given him rides to work and everything else. My kids or his kid has no clue we are anything more than friends. We don’t have to be all over each other or holding hands, kissing, hugging or anything like that if he is he fixing things or even if he came over for dinner or to watch a movie or something. They know that I have friends that come help with things or to just hangout sometimes. I use to have friends over to do things all the time for me I would cook them dinner for helping or fixing whatever it was or buy smokes for them. Sometimes they would hang out and play cards or watch a move. It would be nothing new to them and I wasn’t talking to or seeing any of them. Just like my little one telling me he was looking for a new daddy or that we needed a new daddy. I don’t need to bring someone around from the first time we go out not knowing if or where it is going to go when they are in that frame of mind. It just cause more problems if it don’t work out or what. Why I say 8 months or so down the road things are good we may talk bout telling the kids.

I better get off here it is after 130 in the morning I have to be up and at work by 9 and get little one to school before hand. It is going to be a long day.

{November 18, 2016}   The Past isn’t Always The Past

I seen the therapist last week but since this coming week is Thanksgiving she couldn’t get me in. I am set to go back the week after Thanksgiving. So far I think I have been two or three times it was two weeks in between this week and the last time as well. I am not worried about the time between it’s fine.

My thing is that I feel like all we talk about is what has went on the last week or two since I seen her last and how I am feeling. I feel like we need to talk the past and what happen. I don’t know why I just feel like there is something there, I don’t know how to explain it. We went over the basics of what has went on the last 4 years or so but just the getting a divorce, fighting for it, RC leaving, going to school things like that.

I don’t know if it is what all went on as much as how fast it all happened. As far as how fast mine and Father of the years relationship started and then how fast mine and RC’s was. If I meet someone else is it going to be the same? I seem to go from one extreme to the other and not much in between. I really don’t want to meet someone and end up like before. I also don’t want to end up putting all my plans and wants on the back burner. I do that is why I am just now in school, I’m living where I am. If I hadn’t put my plans on the back burner then I would have moved a way from here long ago.

But I don’t know I feel like that isn’t really what she is in to. It really isn’t she is more into fixing what is wrong now. I’m not with anyone now so all that isn’t a problem right now. I don’t know maybe I am talking to the wrong person but who would I talk to I have no clue. I guess I will keep going back and see how things go.

et cetera
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