Maybe It Isn’t The Stress

Maybe it isn’t the stress that has me feeling like I need to go talk to them right now and figureout where everyone stands on everything. Where I stand and if this is going to open a new chaper in my life or leave me wondering through on my own as always. Maybe it is just me who is wanting to get it done,because I am ready to get up and have a life again and not just live it like I have been. Maybe this isn’t a bad thing at all. Just maybe its all going to turn out good and that is why I feel the need to get it done. Yeah I have no idea what to say or how to start and scared of the reaction and the outcome. I also feel complete peace and am 100% okay with my decision to talk to him tell him how I feel and feel that everything is going to work out with everyone being happer and working toward things they want. Even if there is rejection I am okay with it.

It has been a while since I set goals and made plans and really worked toward them. I told you all a long time ago I had reached most of my goals had to post pon a few. It was time to set some more and make some plans. I think that was right before or right after Father of the Year pulled all this and its just been a whirlwind of trying to keep up with everything and survive get through. Now I am starting to feel stable, I don’t know why because I am carless, not making it on the job i have. But I feel I am in a better mind set than I have been in a long time. It is time to get things rolling again. Maybe because I think I can truely move up by my cousin and soon. That is going to be my main short term goal. That whatever happens we are going to be okay.

I just feel free in so many ways. It is hard to explain. But affter thinking about everything over all I don’t feel that it is stress behind it all at all. Yes I am stressed about some things but not overly. I think I just feel I need to get up and get things done vs. Just doing whatever to get through the day.

I Think Everyone Is Sleeping

It’s not even 1030 pm and I think everyone in my house is sleeping, I haven’t heard anything about of any of them in about 30 minutes. I a glad they all need the sleep, they all have school tomorrow. I am done for the day, I started with kids puking in the bathroom sink at like 4 am while the other rolled around and cried with her ear hurting, to be followed by hours long trip to the ER, a broken glass in the floor at one point, going to three stores to get medications filled and one kid without any until tomorrow, the toilet overflowing all over my bathroom when we got home and then milk being spilled in my floor tonight as I was trying to go to bed. I was just ready for them all to be in bed so that nothing else will happen hopefully. I have 5 minutes of peace before I decide to go to bed, but wouldn’t you know I am wide awake so who knows it may be more but that is okay too. I just had to share because it isn’t often that this happens. I know my girls are not feeling good so they of course went to bed early, I just told the boys it was bedtime but most the time they will stay up and talk until I get onto them a dozen times.

Around To Much

Father of the year had been hanging around way to much lately, I hadn’t said a lot because he with the kids and I been working like crazy on my school stuff and things. But he comes over and freaks out because of the way they do things or that they aren’t doing things. He had a fit because the dishwasher wasn’t loaded how he would load it or because of what they put in the wash. Just stupid stuff, and when he is here I put him to work as well take out the trash or go to the store whatever. Then he complains. I told him you know what who does all of it when your not here and who is paying everything why you don’t pay a dime? Your lucky I even let you see the kids. I mostly just tell him shut the hell up and if he don’t like it go home. Anymore I just look at him tell him oh well go home, it’s my house this is how things are done. He no longer has the right to say how things are done or complain about them. When or if he ever gets his own place he can have all the say he wants and complain all he wants. He gets all mad but never says anything and don’t leave forever.

I haven’t been letting him hang out as much and been trying to keep the time he is here low when he does come by. To night he hasn’t been here at all and it is so nice. I had a busy day today running around with all 4 kids. We dropped paper work at the little one’s school, dropped paperwork off at the childcare place and then I took all 4 to the doctor. I was in the ER with my little guy two nights ago because he got up crying in pain saying it was his ear. I didn’t want him to have to wait until today to be seen and get medication for it so I took him. I needed to get physical forms for all of them but him but wanted to get him checked. He was still saying last night it hurt band even with pain medication. They said the one was really bad the other was kind of red. Today the bad one was running and she said the other was pretty infected now too. She added ear drops to the other three things he is already taking.

On my way to get their medications and pick up bacon for dinner my mom called and said my grandma needed to go to the hospital. I was going to go take her but they weren’t ready and it was going to be a little bit. So Father of The Year was off and on his way home by then. I told him to just take her since he was already going to be there. It didn’t really matter who took her because my mom was going with her and staying. I couldn’t stay since I had all 4 kids and two of them are sick already. They were monsters at the doctors office. We went to the store got things we needed and their medications. We got home everyone went to work unloading and loading the dishwasher, dusting, getting everything together to cook and helping cook. I was shocked how good of a mood they were in after we had been riding around all day spent forever in at the doctors and went to the store. How helpful they were and wanting to help and asking to do things. We all cooked dinner and sat in the living-room and watched a movie together while we ate. After dinner and the move we ran up to the little store and ended up driving around talking for a while. We got home the older two took care of the dogs and they all went to bed with no problems or fights.

The mood and atmosphere is so different in the house when he isn’t around. Even though he don’t live here and he just comes over it is still so different when he is here and when he isn’t. Even when we know he is coming its different. It just seems full, thick, dark and dreadful, you feel like you can’t settle or there is no peace even if nothing is said or happens when he is here you feel like your not at peace. I feel restless inside, it’s so hard to explain. It’s like he shouldn’t be here or that something bad has come in when he is here, is really the only way to explain it. My soul is restless when he is here. I don’t know why and have not felt that way around him before. I get this feeling like he isn’t supposed to be here I shouldn’t let him come here and that he needs to leave. It just seems to get stronger every time he comes.

I don’t know what to think about it really. I just know that tonight was a really nice night for me and the kids.

Daddy’s Bad Day

Sunday I woke up to a call saying that my dad was having a bad day and had took a turn for the worse. They said they found him down in his room again and he was a mess. They called the hospice people they came out and helped get him cleaned up and called for a hospital bed, oxygen, a table and some other things for him. They said that it had gotten worse faster than they had thought it would and that they figured it only be a week to a few days probably only a few days. I got the kids dressed and ready and took them to my friends house to stay why I went over to see what was going on.

I got there he was on the couch and they were moving stuff in his room for the bed and waiting of it to be brought. The hospice nurse was there and doing paperwork showing them how to give him meds.

I went over tried talking to him he would look around and little and shake his head and then just close his eyes. The nurse started telling them how to give him the morphine and Ativan. I wanted to know why they were giving the Ativan he didn’t seem like he needed it. They said to calm him down because his blood presure was up. He wasn’t fighting or trying to move around I didn’t like the idea but didn’t say anything. When he was in the hospital a few years ago that is what they put him on and kept him out for days. Then when they took him off and he started coming to he was really grouchy and nasty they had to give him something else to sedate him. I think the morphine would have been enough. I figured they were going to want to give him more in a little bit and I was going to tell them no. But they didn’t.

My grandpa came up to see him for a little bit. I went and got my mom and my sister they wanted to go see him because no one knew how long he was going to still know who people were or anything like that. When they said a matter of days the way he was I really figured everyone should come now and see him if they wanted too. I finally had to go over get the kids from my friends house and tell them what was going on and that grandpa wasn’t going to get better. That it was probably only going to be a few days. They just knew he had been to the hospital and wasn’t feeling good. I had apoinment with the therapest to talk to her about it on Monday and talk with them about it. But I didn’t want to wait and not give them a chance to talk to him and tell them what they wanted to tell him why he still knew who they were and things. He shake his head and stuff but he wouldn’t talk. Seemed like he had a really hard time when he would try.

They went over and went in to see him. My little guy don’t really understand any of it right now. He went said hi and told him he loved him and then went out to play. My big girl understands and she is pretty upset. She sat down beside his bed in the chair and he reach out for her hand she sat there and held his hand for a while. She told him she loved him and thank you for all he had done for her and gave her. He shook his head when she said she loved him like to say is back. My baby girl don’t have a clue really what is going on but when I was sitting by his bed she came and wanted on his lap. She sit there and just chatter a way or look at him. She singing something. I said she is singing for you daddy you hear her he look. I could tell he wanted say something but couldn’t he kind of had this half smile. She didn’t want to get down off my lap for anything she kept sticking her feet in the bars and I couldn’t figure out what she was doing. I said grandpa don’t want to smell your stinky feet she laugh. I was watching her his hand was there no one was holding it but he had it close to the rail on the bed and it was resting against it. She was trying to put her foot in his hand. She always grabs her foot and plays with it or tickles her feet and plays with them when he is over. Most the time she is sitting in the truck in her seat and he will grab them. She use to hold them up tell him stinky feet and things. She wanted him to grab her foot and play with her. She got upset when he wasn’t. I guess she seen him holding everyone else hand and things. I stuck her foot up where he could hold it he rubbed it she just smiled. She sat there for a long time just watching him and things.

I don’t know what they were all doing but everyone went out of the room there for a little bit and he was laying there with his eyes closed I gave him a hug told him how much I loved him. I told him I was sorry he was sick and that I understood why he decided to do things the way he did. That I was glade he was ok with everything and at peace with what he decided and that it was hard but I was trying to be ok with it too. I told him that we were sure going to miss him either way. He pulled a way a little and turned to look at me. He looked at me. It was odd he looked at me really funny. I asked him if he was ok he said yeah. I asked him if he wanted me to go out and let him sleep he said no. He wanted me to stay with him. At this point he was talking some but not to many words and not real loud they were low. I sat him up and I had been looking for the blanket I got him for Christmas to put over him he shook his head earlier that he wanted it when I asked him. They hunted and hunted around looking for it couldn’t find it. They kept saying he left it at my house I told them no he had not. So when he started talking some I told him I was going to put it over him but we couldn’t find it. He told me it was at his friends house. I wasn’t happy but I didn’t say anything. I feed him some soup and gave him some water he ate pretty good and drank a good amount of water. He said he wanted to sleep some more he was tired. I sat with him til he went to sleep and went out.

Everyone was getting ready to leave I was going to go and go back up the next morning and someone said something about staying so I ended up staying up there for the night to help if he needed anything and to be there in case anything happen. He got up in the night and wanted to go to the bathroom they got him in there. The next morning they made him eggs I went in to see how he was and he seemed more alert and things. They brought his eggs in and asked him if he wanted me to feed them to him he said no he wanted to feed himself. We moved the table over in front of him and let him eat he did pretty good and ate most of them. I sat in his room talked to him for a while then he wanted to get up and go outside. We sat out there for a long time he had a cigarette and things.  They sent a hospice case worker and nurse out to check on him. They asked him if he had a bad fall the day before he said no. They said you didn’t fall down? He insisted he hadn’t. I said then what happen yesterday daddy? He said what do you mean? I said if you didn’t fall then what happen to you? He said well that wall and ceiling fell in on me again. That is what he has been telling me since he was able to talk again when you ask him. I said oh ok I just wondered. The hospice nurse and worker just said oh ok and looked at me. I wanted them to know how he was doing. They are setting up for a CNA and things to come out check on him 3 days a week the nurse is going to come out one day and the worker is going to come out once every few weeks.

We started talking about it I wonder if he didn’t have another seizure that is why they found him on the floor such a mess. It has been about two years they have never figured out why he had them. They did take him off the meds for them about a year ago or more. It wasn’t the first he had he had one years before that and one many years before. They did test after test and have never found out why. They told him at one point it was from drinking but he hasn’t drank in over two years. He stopped drinking when my grandpa died just before that. I’m just happy he is having much better days since and it isn’t a matter of days for him now. My brothers step daughter was set to be induced on Monday. I told them when I got there Sunday I bet he waited for her to have the baby and come home so not to be surprised or shocked. He was kind of excited about the baby coming. But then he was doing so much better that night and the next day. He is doing pretty good today too. He is a little confused about things and understanding things but he knows pretty much what is going on. I think the biggest problem is he can’t hear me on the phone since his hearing has gotten so bad. When I am in front of him he don’t seem bad at all. I guess he isn’t really confused or not understanding me he just isn’t able to really hear me on his phone to well. But his hearing has been bad for a while.

He also has been sick for a while because when they moved stuff out of his room they found where he gotten sick in bags and towels and things and not said anything to anyone and tried to hide it I guess.