{August 13, 2019}   A Camping We Shall Go

My Little Guy’s birthday is in a month. He wants nothing more than to go camping for his birthday. I am looking all over to try and find somewhere to go for a weekend Friday night to Sunday and everything is booked. All I can find is Sunday night to when ever during the week. I can’t take off work and he can’t take off school. I already have to take off work Friday in order to go but I can’t take off two or three days. We are coming into months where I will be missing a lot of work.

I was already looking at the calendar today trying to figure out if I could afford to take off the week of Christmas or even 3 days that week.  We will be closed the day before the day of, then my birthday is the day after. That is Tuesday through Thursday. Meaning I would work Monday and Friday. Or Monday, Thursday, Friday.

He wants to go camping in the woods in tents, no phones, electric or anything else. Cut tress to have a fire to cook on and logs to sit on. I hate to burst his bubble but I can’t do that. We will have to have air mattress because I can’t sleep on the ground.

At this point I am thinking about trying to find someone we know with property that we can pitch a tent and have a fire. Be able to take the dogs as well maybe to make things a little easier or harder I don’t know. Easier in the way I won’t have to board them harder in the way of they just are a pain and have to be on chains and everything and can get off them.

I am going to have to see what I can figure out he has been talking about this camping trip for months now. I don’t want to disappoint him over something so simple.


{May 1, 2018}   It’s Starfish Call Me

I had to run around take care of somethings this morning. Now I am sitting by the pound in the truck just thinking and destressing.

On my way here from taking care of things I received a call but didn’t know the number so I didn’t answer it. I pulled in here and parked looked at my phine I just received a message. It said hey its Starfish call me.

I called him back he said so he turned my phone off. I said yeah I know I foundout yesterday afternoon. He said I wanted to let you know what happen in case you hadn’t heard and let you know I’m alright. I told him what happen and how I found out. He said how is he getting my messages? I told him he did say the phone was stolen and not only got a new phone but had his number put on the new phone so he is getting everything. He was not happy at all. I told him how he hadn’t even told me it was him when I messaged him and then text me back like it was him. He said great now how many people is he going to act like it’s me and what is he going to say or do or try to pull? I said I don’t know but that is how it is. He said he did get my message Saturday morning. That he used his phone all day Saturday. I said well he turned it off Friday night and got the new phone so they had something crossed because he got the text as well and probably got any that you sent that day. He said you told me back when I was going to get this phone not to do it. I said I know, I know he is shady I told you.

I know he is two faced and does shit over the last year I am finding it is more than I even knew he was in. I don’t have much to do with him. I go in do my job thats it and his wife is my best friend she is seeing what he is doing now too. I am not going to stop talking to her because of him.

He asked what I was doing I said hiding in my spot for a little bit just came back from X. He said your in X? I said no I just came back from there. He said oh okay. X is not far from where he is. Think he was going to say come get him. He said some thing already about being bored and things. I had said I was killing time I didn’t have to be to work until 1.

We talked about what happen with the guy at work he heard. He said you know he is gone right? I said yeah I know this morning early he passed. He said yeah he called his wife already this morning talked to her. I told him what the doctor said about Little Bitty and sending her for heart test. He got really quiet didn’t really say anything. Few things were said after that he still didn’t say much and said I got to go, I have to get ready run to the store with them to get sheetrock and things. I’ll call you later. I said okay we hung up.

I said something a few times when talking about her heart test and what the doctor said. He never said anything just quiet. Don’t know what that was all about or why he didn’t respond.

Don’t know what he is going to do about a phone. Guess he is going to have to wait until he is working gets some money. I figure his mom might help him get one why they are out today, I don’t know. She is funny about things, things you think she wouldn’t do she does and things you would think she do she won’t.

We were also talking I said I bet know he will be calling you wanting you to go back to work when we were talking about the boss. He said yeah I know I was thinking the same thing or had the same thought. I said but then he turns your phone off he can’t get you. I said he be trying to get a hold of you I bet once the shop moves. With closing the shop today and who knows about tomorrow and the next few day and I am sure they will for the service he is going to be behind. He maybe calling before that to try and get him to come back. Starfish is pissed about everything but he didn’t say he wouldn’t go back. He just said yeah I know.

I hate it around here its sucks, there are no decent jobs, places to live or anything else. I want to get my shit and get out. I am just waiting for my mother to get out of my house so I can get things straight. I do not want to get stuck taking her with me. She has to be out on her own somewhere else.

{December 12, 2017}   He Needs To Go Home Now

I think I told you all my friend starfish moved in already if not he did last week or the week before sometime. Everything seems to run together and be one big blur right now. He been sleeping on the couch until we get the room cleaned out for him and things moved around.

Since he has been here he has been helping get things around the house done and helping get the kids back under control. They are not happy but it is getting better. They don’t like it that mom is enforcing the rules and restrictions. He has been helping. He told them he seen how they been walking over me taking advantage of me and not listening or doing what they were supposed to. That it wasn’t right and it was going to stop.

The boys have been in their room for days because they do not want to clean it, they talk, play, throw fits and have melt downs. Today it is finally done and they can have the phone, tv and computer back tomorrow since they didn’t have any fits and got it done.

Little Bitty is more than unhappy with him. She thinks because he is here is why she can’t sleep in my bed or use the phone. I picked her up from school yesterday and she was egale eyeing the truck and looking to see if he was in it. She asked if he was and I told her no. She said good she didn’t want me to go get him and she didn’t want me to bring him back to our house anymore. She said he needed to stay at his house now. I ask her why she said he was mean and she didn’t like him. Finally it come out she wanted to use the phone and sleep in my bed. I told her it didn’t matter who was or wasn’t here she was not doing either one. That she had to go to bed in her bed and that as long as she threw a fit for two hours before she went to sleep she would not be using the phone or tv when the next day. She kept on most the evening and after he got home that she wanted me to take him to his house and she didn’t want him here he needed to leave and everything. I told her he was renting the room this was his house she said he needed to find a new one. Then she told me I could take him home and stay there with him if I wanted her sister would take care of them she didn’t want him here. Mind you this is the same child that has told me daily for days now that she hates me, that she don’t want me to tell her I love her, she hates that I love her. She is no holds bars when it comes to what she wants and what she thinks will get it for her.

Well her saying she didn’t want him here and that he was mean really got to him. He made a deal with her that she could use the phone for a little bit before dinner and for thirty minutes before bed. I said um hum she got to you, you gave in and gave her what she wants. He said no I am just trying something, I said okay but when I was doing x earlier I was babying and giving in. I said you just got worked and now she knows how to work you it’s only going to get worse.

He said I never seen a kid say they don’t want someone at their house and to make them leave and things like that and I don’t know why she say’s I’m mean. I gave her a drink and told her to go back to bed last night and she went right in there went right to sleep in minutes. He said Big Girl was sitting right here she knows I wasn’t mean to her. I said I know you weren’t either but like I said there is nothing she won’t say or try to get what she wants.

Today she has been telling me she don’t want him here again. I ask why she tells me the same-thing she wants to use the phone and sleep in my bed. It’s not like he is sleeping in my bed or anything like that he isn’t, so she can’t say because he is she can’t. Just because he told her she needed to listen to me and go to bed.

Other than that things are going pretty good. The boys get mad he tells them they can’t do something or to clean and things, but then when he isn’t hear all I hear is where is he? Is he coming back? When is he coming back? They all like him they just are not use to having someone else telling them what to do or helping me. When my mom was here she tried to but she just came in took over and started barking orders and treating them like crap and everything was in the air everyone fighting. He talks to them and things not just barking orders or trying to push everyone around or what. Like my friend said Little Bitty has never had a man in the house, it is always me. The other kids their dad has been in the picture but he was never one to make sure things got done, or get the to do things or try to make them listen. I was always the one who had to take control of everything and make sure everything got done or play ref between everyone because if he did decide he was going to do something he talked to and treated them worse than you would animals. So to have someone else here helping and things is going to take some getting use to. Someone that talks to them and things not just treat them like crap and get away with everything.

Tonight he isn’t here and they are trying to take advantage of it. Little Bitty is mad she can’t take the phone to bed. I don’t know why because she isn’t allowed to any other time. Finding 50 reason’s why she can’t go to bed.

{February 9, 2017}   A Little Privacy Please

How much privacy do you give your kids? Is it different depending on age? How and in what areas? This came up today and has in the past in a parenting group that I am in on line. I am shocked at the responses that everyone but a few give. Topic of the day was cell phones and text.

A mom had taken away her 13 daughters phone because she was on it when she was told not to be. Okay fine would do the same thing, but then mom goes through the phone and reads the daughters text between her and her 14 year old friend. She seen a conversation about sex. She waned to talk to her about it but not break her trust and make her feel she invaded her privacy.

Everyone jumped in saying she has no privacy and is entitled to none she is living in her house she is paying the bill. Tell her she can’t talk to the friend anymore, tell her that what she was talking about was not appropriate for her to be talking about, block the friend so she can’t call her text and don’t let her go around said friend anymore. How their kids are not allowed to have anything private they read and look at anything and everything at any given time and their kids know it, their friends know as well. That if they want privacy they can have it when they move out, just on and on. I was not the popular one in the mix I am sure and was super surprised I didn’t get jumped all over and hung out to dry.

I said I wouldn’t tell her I read her text, I would sit down and have a talk with her about sex or a more in depth talk about sex with her and talk about the things that were brought up in the text. I would let her know how I feel about them and my beliefs and let her know that she could ask any questions at anytime I would be there to talk about whatever with her. I also said that I was not surprised at all by the topic of conversation if the other girl went to pubic school because of the things I heard first hand in the halls, from friends kids and their parents about what they come home from school talking about from about 4th grade and up. That I would not tell her that she could not talk to this friend anymore or see her because it was just a normal topic of conversation that was going to come up and even more as she got older between her and her friends if not this one another one. It is true I don’t care what school your child goes to if it is public or private even the odds are they are going to know about these things and be talking about them first hand rather you know it, like it or want it to happen or not.

I don’t feel taking all your kids privacy or giving them none to start with is the answer to keeping them from talking about things that you don’t want them to talk about or knowing about things you are not ready for them to know about. I think that trust, privacy and all of those things are something that a child gets until they give you a reason to worry or to not give it. Even then it depends why you feel they should not have it or it should not be given. It is a fine line that once you cross is hard to come back from and restore for a lot of people. It is’t something that should just be given and taken back and forth all the time when it comes to private things like phones, computers, tablets, going places, seeing friends, what friends they have even. I find these to be areas you really have to decide if that is a battle you want to pick because it isn’t done at this one incident it has lasting affects and repercussions. My kids have facebook and they message friends and family on there. Well my oldest 13 does when she has access to a computer or tablet. I set the account up for her long a go and gave her the password to it and things. It is private and people can’t friend her unless they know information that most people don’t know. She knows that she needs to ask me before she adds anyone to her page be it friends or family. She also knows that I have the password and that I can log in and look at it anytime I want. She also knows that I don’t check her messages or log in to her account. I did one time and that was when my dad was sick or just after she passed because her friends mom told me something she seen when her daughter and mine were talking or something her daughter said to her about something that was said between them. I talked to her and she said she was okay and that was about it. I just told her that her friend had said something to her mom or her mom had seen something they were saying and was worried about her and wanted to make sure she was alright. When me and the mom talked I told her what my daughter had said and she was  a little worried because she felt there was a little more to it or something was wrong. I logged on and read the messages between the two girls. Whatever it was I wasn’t really worried about it so I never said anything. She was only 11 at the time and she really don’t care if I check them she even told me she didn’t care. I told her I needed the password but that I wouldn’t use it unless I really felt that something was wrong with her or one of her friends they were in danger or something like that. My friend was worried then because of all we had been going through with my dad and my daughters having her problem with eating in the past and just something she said did’t sit well with her and she had a eating disorder growing up so she whatever was said kind of made her stop and worry. If it hadn’t been something like that I would have never looked at her stuff. I talked to her about it again later and told her what we were worried about and and that our friend was still not comfortable with the information she seen or heard because it was just pieces but enough to make her still worry. I ask her if she knew what she was talking about by the little that she knew and she said no not really. I asked her if we could look back at where they were talking and see if we could find what she was talking about and what was said to make it sound like something that we may be needed to be worried about? She said yes go ahead you have the password. I just told her I didn’t want to go behind her back and do it or not tell her that she could sit there with me and look through it. She said no I’m tired I am going to bed but if you want to look and see you can. I looked and whatever it was was a simple miss understanding but I was glad that my friend and her friend were worried enough to not just let it go knowing that she could say everything was fine and I not figure out until things were bad because my oldest keeps everything inside and not talk about it to much. She will say just like me I’m fine. She knows that there are just some things that you can’t not say anything about and you can’t get mad at a friend or someone for telling if you say it. She will tell her friends if it is something that someone needs to know about I am telling because I care to much to see something happen or you do something that may not ever be able to be undone or forgotten. I am going to tell my mom I am not going to lie to you about it or not tell you before hand but I have to. There are just somethings that we agree I can not keep secret and not tell, if I do then I will get in trouble. Thank God so far we have not had to worry about it. A lot of her friends and even my friends kids will come to me and talk to me about things. They know if I feel their parents need to know then we will go to them together and talk about it. And I have had a few come and want to talk and say I know your probably going to say you have to tell my parents but I need to talk or whatever. When they are done most the time it isn’t as bad as they think it is and I will tell them no we don’t have to tell your parents but if you want to and want me to I will go with you why you do, tell them for you or we can go talk to them together. Most don’t once or twice they say yeah they want to or that they are going too later. A lot of times the parents will tell me later so and so said you all talked to day and told me this or that. I just say yes and everything is good. I don’t get all into it unless they tell them something way off from what we talked about or what was said. My kids know they have a few of my friends that they can talk to instead of me but that the same rules apply as if it was their kid coming to me.

I can not imagine telling my kid they can’t talk to someone because of the subject they are talking about, they can’t be friends with someone because of the things they talk about or going through their stuff just because. It makes no since to me why people feel that teens should not have any privacy at all until they are grown and out of the house. To me that teaches them nothing about boundaries and things like that. Do they really think it is going to keep them from talking about these things? They can’t be there in person with them all the time to see what they are talking about. One person even said they will just hide sneak and delete text or messages off their stuff. Others were all saying it’s ok there is an app that will show deleted ones and there is an app that will send everyone to your phone or email every time a message or text is sent so you will still know. Who has enough time in a day to even sit and go through all that and read them all even if you done it once a week that is still a lot of messages to go through if your kid has a friend and that is the main way they get to talk and things. They even look at everything they look at on line or on the internet on their phones and computers. I seen so many say oh no my kid isn’t allowed to have any computer or internet we don’t have the in the house or use them I only use them to print school stuff out and do my own thing on the kids are not allowed to touch them. How is a child who is never allowed to use a computer supposed to learn to type and use one to do anything with or look things up to find out information or how to do basics with it to even be able to get a job when they are grown or go to collage? Or even use a phone if they are not allowed to have one? To me that is doing your kids a huge disservice and putting them at a huge disadvantage as much as computers are used now in just about everything you do in life.

I feel that if I can’t give my kid pricey and trust them with these things then I have not done my job as a parent. A child should be able to pick their friends, have private conversations be it in person, text or whatever form they decide. I feel that if you are to strict it is going to do just what you are trying to keep from happening to start with or at least keep them from being open and honest with you. My mom was this way and controlling I did not trust her, I told her nothing I hid everything no matter how simple or how large it was I told her nothing. She didn’t go through my stuff but if I left notes or something laying out she would read them and then have a fit about whatever was in them or who they were too. She didn’t like my friends and just on and on. I feel that I do not have to like my child’s friends or approve of them, I do not have to know everything they talk about. I trust that I have raised my kids to think for their self and to know right from wrong and to not just follow the crowd to be liked or fit in. You can be liked and fit in without doing everything the crowd is doing. If you have respect for yourself and your morals and values. Others who are friend will as well and not care if you don’t do everything they do. I had friends from every age, grade, gender, sexual orientation, race, social group or whatever you can think of when I was in High School and Jr High. Because I was like I am now this is me take it or leave it, you are you if your not a asshole then we can be friends. Most were more worried about their click or social circle and if you didn’t fit in then they couldn’t talk to you or sit with you. I was just that girl in the class that kept to herself and could careless what the rest of you were doing. If you talk to me I will talk to you but I am not going out of my way to talk to you or befriend you. You would be amazed how many just wanted someone to talk to about their problems at home or whatever and they all seemed to think I was the one person that they could do that with even though I wasn’t in their click or social group they ran in. I was very private and did not talk about my life or home or anything like that with many at all. There are people to this day that do not know who my brothers and sisters are and know us both. Because we are not close we don’t talk much and I didn’t hang around them or talk about them. I also only had very few people over and did things with very few even though I talked to and was known by a lot of kids at school. I did not consider myself popular I have not clue why everyone felt drawn to me and like they could just open up and dump their life story on me or all their problems at home on me. I guess maybe because I didn’t talk to everyone else or tell everyone else what we talked about or that we talked at all. I didn’t spread their business around school or judge them. What you do you do our relationship, friendship, class partner or whatever is biased on how you treat me.

I hope that my kids are able to do that and fit in and get a long with and include everyone. I tell them they can talk to me about anything and everything if they need to or want too. I can’t force them to or snoop in their stuff to find out what is going on. I have to trust that they are becoming adults and are going to need to learn how to function in the real world before they hit 18. So many of these parents are just like nope nothing until they are out of my house this is how it has been with all my kids and they are great whatever. But how close are you really to your kids? Like my mom will tell you how we get along and how close we are (maybe not now since I haven’t seen her in a while or talked to her) but over all most the time she will. She thinks she knows all about my life and what is going on in it and how I am. She really knows nothing. She knows very little of how my life really is, how I really feel about things, the things I really do, the people I talk to, “date” or “talk” to in that since or anything. Stuff she does know she isn’t told about until after the fact sometimes long after the fact. But most things she knows nothing about. She don’t know I have a friend I talk to or go see. She don’t know my oldest just dyed her hair teal tonight, she don’t know who I talk to as friend or if or when we go place. She don’t know if I am thinking about dating or if I want to date, she don’t know I am seeing a counselor the last 4 months or that I am on medication for it. She wasn’t happy I went to the hospital by myself and wanted to come. She don’t know why I went by myself and didn’t want her there or that I am planing on moving once I finish school or that I am thinking about moving up to where the therapist is going. She had no clue that when the storm came me and the kids were only going because we wanted to look for places to move not because we were worried the storm may hit us. I could have stayed here went across the street stayed in the shelter why the worse of it went over us and then came home in case a tree fell on the house. If I had known what was going to happen I would have. But if you hear her talk we have a great relationship talk about everything I tell her everything we are the perfect mother daughter. When she isn’t pissed off about something I have done she found out about. We live maybe 8 miles away. We have such a great relationship that she didn’t even know that my and Father of The Year were having any kind of problems much less about to file for a divorce and split up it was set in stone no turning back. She still has no clue what happen between me and RC why he did what he did. All she knows is what he told her and that is it. I really don’t care. I don’t feel it is really any of her business. She can believe what she wants to believe.

When I see all these parents talking about how they done it with their kids and how they had no privacy and how they are so strict and things and their relationships are great I just think how well do you really know your kid and how great is it? I wonder if their kids really do tell them everything and trust them or if like me they just don’t bring things up and don’t tell them things because of the way they are and they think they do?

I am not saying that what I am doing is the only way, right way 0r that I am better than anyone else because I give my kids privacy. Who knows if my kids will tell me things when they get older as they do now or if we will be close like I hope and that we are now. I like to think we will be the way they talk about not wanting to leave home or taking care of me when I am older and building me a house to live in next to theirs so I can still have my own house and not have to live with anyone because they know I like having my space and house. I can tell you when I was my older two kids age and even before all I could think about and talk about was how much I hated it at home, how much I wanted to live with my dad not my mom and that I couldn’t wait to move out on my own if I couldn’t live with my dad. I can still remember when we were younger and something was said about when my mom got old or needed someone to take care of her my sister who was about Big Guys age said she would take her and my step dad in and take care of them. My brother was “joking” about what nursing home he would put her in and I just got gone and stayed out of it. And how mad she got when I told her if she committed a crime I would turn her in if I found out. Not just here but anyone really but she was asking about her because of something we seen in the news or in the news paper.

I feel horrible can’t sleep and have a guest in my bed yet another night this week who is taking it all up. I am hot but it is already 77 in here if i turn it down cooler the kids will get cold. I have the fan on in my room because I am hot. Last night I didn’t think it was going to get cool and it did most everyone woke up with a sore throat. I try to set the heat one or two below what we normally keep it in here at night just in case. I have so much I need to do tomorrow and I am going to just want to sleep if I don’t go soon. I may just take the kids to school come home sleep for a little bit then go do what I need too. I have ran non stop it seems like since Thursday or been sick I need a break and some sleep without knees in my back feet in my face elbows in the head. That isn’t going to happen unless they are at school. Little Bitty has been extra clingy lately I don’t know if it is because I am sick or what.

et cetera
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