Single___Parent___Life











{September 17, 2020}   Re: Screwed Up Big Time

I had told JW yesterday morning when I realized what had happen. I picked him up we went and got something to eat. Came home walked the dog and ate dinner. We started to talk and then had to stop to take care of something. We ended up going to bed kind of early. We laid down and I told him I screwed up. He asked what happen?

I said I screwed up. He ask what I done what was wrong? I told him earlier I did and he wanted to know what. I told him we would talk in person. I said we may have an issue. He said we why what is wrong babe? I told him the last couple nights when he was asking about what to do, I wasn’t thinking about what he was talking about at the moment.

He started he was sorry, he should of done more and got something and things.

I told him that wasn’t what I was saying. He tried to do something but that I just messed up. He said he was sorry again he should of did more. He said if he was meant to have another baby he would of had one by now. He would of had one with his ex because she had her iud taken out.

He really thinks it can’t happen. He can’t have any more kids because in the 8 or so years they were together they didn’t. I keep telling him maybe because of how she was and how things were. I don’t know why people think like this.

I told him everything being a mess and not tracking and things for so long that it was going to take a few months or so before it will be usable. He said yeah he knew and things. It wasn’t a big deal or what. He said he was going to have to get the bag of goodies and put in the night stand ūüėĄ.

I have to say it wasn’t what I expected. I don’t know what I expected but not him to be do it’s okay or not a big deal. I know, he knows, I didn’t do it on purpose or anything like that. Sadly I guess I am just so use to fighting over everything and being told how it’s my fault or what. I hope not but if ut is then it is. We will do what we have to do.

 



{May 22, 2020}   6 Days In,

And so far doing pretty good. As I am sure you all probably remember from my post last week Emotional Break Down

I started a low-dose birth control pill and I was worried about taking it. When I took them in the past I did not do well on them. But it really was my only option so I decided to try it. Rather than keep trusting what I have been. Don’t get me wrong I love natural family planing and have used it for years, and used it for years before. But I don’t feel it is the best for me to use at this point in life. Seeing as I do not want anymore kids, me and J.W don’t get a lot of time alone and never know when that is going to be and I worry about it all the time. I don’t know what I would do if I ended up pregnant at this point in life.

I started the pill Sunday when I was supposed to and was a little worried. Okay more than a little worried. I had horrible mood swings, felt physically sick, had no libido and just over all nasty. So I just took it and tried to forget it and not think about it. Wasn’t hard to do as busy as we are at work right now. I take it between 1 and 130 every day. I figured that was a good time because I go to lunch then. I don’t like to take anything when I first get up in the morning and didn’t want to deal with it in the evening or at night when I am so tired and other things to do. I set my alarm already so I won’t forget at lunch or if I am busy and work through lunch or take it early. But I know that being busy in the evening I will turn the alarm off and forget it. This way it is right there in my purse at my desk and I have my drink right there. I can just stop and take it.

I haven’t really noticed any thing to bad. I have been a little moody here and there but not anything that sticks around. I haven’t been feeling depressed lately, I have been in a pretty good mood over all. But I am only 6 days in. I hope that over the next few days/weeks that things don’t change.

Because it looks as if that is going to be what I am going to have to use for a while. I don’t make enough to pay over $300 for for insurance for just myself. I make to much to get Medicaid but am to below poverty level to get help on the market place to get insurance there. I reapplied for medicaid hoping the kids would get their’s back since I lost a job. Thank goodness they did. I on the other hand didn’t even get share of cost so I have no coverage what so ever if anything happens.

I did find out today I can get dental and vision insurance at work for around $30 a month. I do not have to have the medical in order to get them. I am going to cancel a few things and bite the bullet and get it. I really need to get new glasses the ones I have are over three years old and I can tell my eyes are worse. I am have got to get something done with my teeth. I hope to go to the local place over here and get them pulled. I think I can get them done for next to nothing. Then hope that I can use the insurance to get the new ones. If it won’t pay for new ones to at least pay a chunk of the cost or most of the cost for new ones. If not then I have been told that the owner at work will help get them done and then take a little out of your check each month. If he would take a little a month not a chunk each week or huge chunk each week.

All I can do with it all is wait and see and hope it works out.



{May 17, 2020}   Emotional Breakdown

If you all seen my twitter post Thursday you know I bit the bullet and decided to go to the clinic on the way to work and see about getting on birth control. I hadn’t had a years exam in years so of course they had to do that before they gave me anything. I made the appointment an hour before work. I figured it shouldn’t take more and an hour and I was only a few miles a way from work. I should be no more than 30 minutes late. At the most maybe 45. Over 2 hours later I finally got to work over and hour late.

I got there right on time and it took the women forever to get me into the computer. Then she tells me it is going to be $100 to be seen. Had I known that I would of went to the other office for $25. I am trying to figure out if it is only $25 at the other and they both work from a sliding scale how is there a $75 difference between the two. I have been here before for things and never paid anything. I don’t mind paying but that is almost as much as going to a private doctor. Then I say something and she says she don’t have my kids on there as being in my house. I said well they are and I pay ever for them and get no help. She says I don’t know why it is showing that way and something else. I said how do we fix that? She like yeah let me see if I add them what happens. So then it takes forever for her to do that. But once she did it said I only paid $17 and some change for the day. Then I go sit and wait to be called.

A women comes out and takes me into the lab. I am thinking I am not getting lab work done why is she calling me back here? Then I think oh they always do a pregnancy test and I think it is done through the lab area last time I had one. She stops out side the door hands me the cup and tells me to do it then come into the lab. I do that and go in they check my weight ask when my last cycle and all that was. Then ask if I want HIV and some other blood work done. I say no right away. I am not up to being poked and fished around in. I am a horrible stick it was to early in the morning. They tell me it is included in the visit for the day. I tell them it didn’t matter I still didn’t want it. They ask if I am sure I tell her yes. They seem kind of surprised and said I don’t have to do it but it is offered. They kept telling me that I didn’t have to do it but it was available. Stressing that I could get it done.

I normally always do the HIV test, the rear times I get a yearly done and all the times I was pregnant and they offered it. I have never felt a reason to have it done or that I had done anything to need one done. But I don’t know why and I guess it is just the way my mind works and thinks. I always thought I know I don’t have anything and don’t need the test. But if they are doing blood and can do it all at once I should get it done. This way if anything was to ever happen and I was worried I may have gotten it or did get it, then I could always look back and say I didn’t have it at this point, this point or this point it had to of come from here or there. I always had the thought if I was in or at the hospital and they did something or a doctors office or helped someone some time and got exposed or was put at risk. Never that I would feel that I did something with someone I was worried about having it or catching it from. I know weird and crazy way of thinking. But I was not into it and not worried about it I turned it down.

They sent me back out to wait and a nurse finally came out and got me. As we are walking to the room she tells me they don’t have an open room for me she is going to take me to one room to start and will take me to another when they get it open. We go in the room and she ask me about 1000001 questions for what I think was an hour or close to it. Then leaves and says let me see if we have a room I will be right back. Come back in about 5 minutes and says come with me. We walk to what seemed like another building through the back halls and to another room. We go in and she asked more questions, went out came back and gave me my paper sheet thing to cover up with and put the chuck on the table. She says there is a male student doctor, intern or whatever she called him. We have to let you know and ask if it is okay for him to observe I thought she said. I am thinking really can this day get any better. This has taken forever I am past late for work now and, and now I have a student coming in to watch them poke and feel around down there. I said sure why now. She said something else. I said once you have had 4 kids everyone has watched and seen you why not let him. She about died laughing and said i was going to say they are trying to learn give him a chance. She went out I took off my clothes and sat there with my paper over/around me the best I could get for as small as it was. It seemed like forever before they finally came in.

The student and doctor came in. The student says hi I am so and so and I am going to be DOING your exam and testing today. I am going to start with your breast exam and then we will do the rest of it. I am thinking I thought he was going to be watching. I don’t know what is worse really him watching or doing it. I don’t know why it matters but I just did but didn’t at that point really. I don’t know I have had male doctors do them before.

When I was pregnant last I ended up in the ER with all my vitals dropping and passing out if I moved. A male doctor, nurse and tech all came in. One said here is a gown put it on. I was waiting for them to go out the next thing I knew I went to sit up and one was pushing me back in the bed telling me to lay back down. One was taking my clothes off, one was hooking me to machines and the other was sticking iv’s in my arm and doing more test.

That didn’t bother me but for whatever reason this kind of did. Not enough to tell him no he couldn’t do it. It was more of an annoyance thing I think. Because I already was. So we got started he checked my breast and then moved on to do the rest of the exam. Honestly as many times as I had them done I hardly felt him do anything. Most the time it is very uncomfortable and it hurts when they do the test and everything. I hardly knew he was doing anything or even touching me. When he was finished with the test and did the exam of the organs and things he told me what he was going to do and do it all and it didn’t even hurt. I didn’t have any spotting or anything after.

When they first came in they asked about birth control I told the doctor that came in with him I wanted the ring. She asked if I wanted it or if I had talked about it with the nurse or that she seen I had. I don’t know. She said they did not offer it she could give me a script for it. I said okay that was fine that is what the nurse said. Then she says do you know how much that cost? I said no that was going to be my next question. She said I think about $130 monthly. I wanted to cry. She said let me look it up why he does the exam and all that. I said okay. She looked it up and said that it was between $59 and $62 at a couple of the stores close there with a discount. And that was still monthly. I said okay that wasn’t an option. At this point I just wanted to bust out and cry. I was so upset and really annoyed at this point because had I known that I probably would of never went, I wouldn’t have missed work and be paying for a wasted visit. I don’t want the implants they keep pushing and talking about, I got pregnant on the pills with my oldest and even the nurse said the shot wasn’t a good option for me. I ended up with a low dose pill. I wasn’t happy but figured I should get something and try it and that was my only option. They gave me a 3 month supply. They said come back in two weeks for test results and call when I open my third pack of pills and tell them I need a supply appoinment. They said they give you three months to see how you are doing with them. They said some people love them some hate them or don’t do good on them. It takes a few months to really see how your body is going to respond to them. If you like them and want them they will give you the rest of the year supply for them at that appointment and your good until next year.

I was ready to have an emotional break down by the time I left and I was surprised at how I felt and how upset i was over it. They could tell I was in a much different mood when we were done than when I went in. Three or more of them asked me if I was okay if something was wrong and everything before I left there.

I was just upset because it is like I work my ass off, I do do and do and make sure everything is taken care of and everything else. I can’t even afford to take the birth control I am comfortable with taking, the form I feel is best for me. I already don’t take my depression and anxiety meds because I can’t pay to see the doctor every three months and the therapist every week like they make you see in order to get them plus the price of the meds and then the missed time at work on top of that. Now something as simple as birth control I can’t get either because it cost to much.

It was just that let down feeling that no matter how hard you try even simple little things don’t fall in place. I feel like I am trying to be responsible and do the right thing and this is how it turns out for me. I am supposed to trust these low dose pills when I got pregnant on the pill before. I am supposed to just get these implants that really aren’t that great for you and cause a lot of problems for a lot of people. I have a hard enough time on the pills with my moods and hormones I don’t want an implant. I seen so many say they pulled them out their self because of how bad they felt and the doctors tell them just wait it out for months some like 6 to let your body adjust or take forever to get them back in to get it out. Them moving and causing problems just to much. I have done a lot of research and felt really comfortable with using the ring. I am one who don’t like to take or use a lot of meds and things you all know if you read my blog. I am not a fan of birth control because so many have such nasty side effects. I asked about the patch I used it before. I was okay with it but didn’t like the fact it came off sometimes and there was always a spot from where you wore it for the month or week whatever it was. But I would rather that than the pills or anything else if I could not get the ring. They didn’t have it either I think she said and it cost a lot too. I liked the ring because it was the same idea as the patch pretty much just inserted vs. wearing it. I figured I would probably do alright with it as well.

By the time I left there I was ready to just break down and cry. I felt like I just needed one of those cries where you have held it all in for so long and you can’t anymore. But of course I had to. I had to suck it up, hold it in and go to work. I even thought about calling out of work. I thought about calling telling them I had issues at my appointment and wasn’t coming in. I thought about going to see JW before going to work. It is almost 20 miles the other direction but I just wanted to go to him and be with him for a few minutes. I just wanted him to hug me. I just wanted to feel his arms around me, pulling me into him and holding me. I wanted to feel safe and like everything was going to be okay. That I wasn’t in this alone. I just wanted him to make it better. I knew there wasn’t anything he could do but I felt just being there him holding me everything would be okay. But I figured they would be busy and he wouldn’t be able to come out or would only be able to for a second and that I would just be more upset and probably wouldn’t go to work at that point. I wanted to just get his keys as well and go to his house and go to bed for the day. I felt so bad and didn’t want to be around anyone else but him and I knew he couldn’t leave work. I figured I would just go get in his bed, cry and sleep for the day. But I did the responsible thing and went to work. I held it together and made it through my day. Like I always do, no time for a melt down or pity party or a break down for me. Have to get up and keep going and stuff it all down. When it starts to boil over you stuff harder and plaster that fact smile on bigger.



{April 16, 2017}   What Do You Say To That

When Father of the Year got done with the truck me and Wanda were sitting outside talking and I ask him if he was leaving or what time he had to be home. I said what are you trying to get rid of me? Why are you trying to get rid of me? Wanda looked at him and said no she is going to leave if your going to be here. He said oh what do you have in there to make for dinner tonight? I told him I was probably just going to go to the store to pick something up, I haven’t been shopping and didn’t lay anything out. He said okay, so I went and got them stuff to make for dinner. I have some stuff here but not a lot because over this past week why the kids have been out of school we haven’t felt like doing shopping so I went the day or two before they got out and just tossed stuff in the buggy to go with stuff we already had here to make meals out of it to get it all used up and start over. I will go shopping for months and buy stuff then some of it odds and ends get left in there where I bought to much or made something else with with part of what I had. I like to use all that stuff up every few months so it don’t go bad and I don’t have a bunch of random stuff sitting around. I didn’t want to really go out go out but I wanted out of the house and didn’t want to sit here and hang out with him all night why he was “seeing” the kids.

Me and Wanda went and grabbed a burger at the fast food place, normally I would just go through the drive through but since we were just wasting time I parked and we went inside. We were sitting there talking and some how the topic of drugs came up and being hooked on pills. I said I never understood what people got out of it that they just make me sleepy I don’t feel high at all. I said but then I guess because I take them like I am supposed to not handfuls at a time and crap. That is why thy OD on them they take so many at a time and then have to take more because they get use to it. I said but then look at how many of them nod off and shit so it is making them tired too.

She said yeah that she took her’s if she had them and needed them and took an extra one in the day sometimes if she got really bad but she didn’t even take them close together she take the one if it didn’t help in a couple hours she might take another one. Or if she started hurting before it was time for the next one and he needed it, but the other days she may not take any. She said they make you feel the same as pot. I said I haven’t done it but know people who do and had been at a friends when he was doing it and talking about them eating everything that wasn’t nailed down. I said I am big enough without eating like that. She said yeah only difference really with pot is that the pot makes you eat. That is why she takes it because she has problems with her stomach and things and gets to were she can’t eat. She said just like that I don’t go oh I need it every day let me keep going to get some. She was talking about these people rushing to a doctor and trying to get pills as soon as theirs runs out and to the er lying to get them and things how ER drug test you now soon as you walk in most the time. She hadn’t had any pot in a long time and still had some of the pills that he got at the doctor last time they put her in the hospital and kept her for a week. I know she hasn’t because it has been over six months since she had pot. She got really sick and couldn’t eat anything and was doubled over in pain and puking off and on all day. Every time she would eat she as sick, a friend brought her some and she smoked it a few days maybe a week and she has been doing good since. But she went to the hospital they put her in there keep her for a week or two or they would tell her there was nothing they could do for her go home. She has a problem where her stomach don’t digest the food and another problem. I kept telling her last time it was that stuff acting up because she just been in there for a week a week or two before this. I told her they didn’t do enough or something that she needed to go back she did that instead and has been fine. I feel it should be legal for people who are sick I had aunts who used it when they were going through their cancer treatment, we were going to get my dad some because of his but he got so bad so fast he couldn’t have used it.

When we were talking about how the hospitals drug test you now most every time you go in and for sure if you are going in saying you need pain pills. I said that is why I don’t understand how RC was going all the time to get them after we split up. I said he would never go for anything when we were together but after we split up and he got with her something was always happening and he was in that ER. She said I don’t know but he admitted to me straight out that he had a pill problem and that it was bad and he was doing them when he was with you. I said I know he does i didn’t when we were together but found them when I was moving and put two and two together.

We went on talking and she acted as if she was waiting for me to ask her more or say more about it and ask what all he had said about it or what but I didn’t. I just went on talking almost like she hadn’t even said it. I didn’t know what to say about it or to her. Like I said I didn’t put it together until the end and it was to late. But after all these years of him lying and saying he didn’t and shit even though I knew it was surreal¬†to hear her say it. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. I wanted to ask her a few things see if he had said anything or what but then I didn’t know if I wanted to know or how I even felt about what she just said. I still don’t know how I feel about it. I feel odd everything since she told me. I don’t feel mad, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel like OH I ALWAYS KNEW! I can’t explain how I feel. I guess maybe I want answers but not from her but him. But what answers? Then tonight I am laying here in my bed unable to sleep thinking about it and I wonder he laid about that what else did he lie about? Was it all a lie? Did he really care? Do I care if he did? Why do I care if he did? It’s done it’s over? What about the shit he said to me when we were texting before I had the baby? Why did he go back to her? Why didn’t he stay? Did he go back to her because of the reasons I figure he did? Did he not stay because of why I think he didn’t? I wonder what does he think now? Why do I care? Is he happy? Dose he ever think about his little girl? Does he still have the photo album of her I left him? (I just thought of that one go figure) Dose he still care? Dose he even care about her? Again why do I care what he thinks or feels? Why do I still care about him? Why did I not really care about him and hadn’t really felt or thought anything about him in a caring kind of way in forever but tonight I have all these questions and wonder all this shit? I wonder why I feel the way I do about it all. I just feel so perplexed. I wonder what would he do if we ended up the same place somewhere like me and his ex did at therapy? I wonder how I would be? I know I would say something to him but I don’t know what? I wonder if I would be mad or what I would feel?

Just to many questions, I think of him of course he is my daughters father, she looks like him, things she does are just like him. But I didn’t really think about him other than oh lord she just like her daddy, or yep she got that from her daddy. But nothing feeling wise and tonight I am feeling some sort of way and I don’t know what to think about it. Or what I should have said to her when she said it.



Warning for guys upfront this is one you may not want to read. I am sure it is probably way off topic of things you want to think or read about.

Ok ladies I really hope you don’t mind answering this question for me. As I am really trying to decide what I should do and learn the pros and cons of all my options out there. I know you can research them online and ask your doctor. But that only tells you so much. I would like to hear from real people who have are¬†using¬†them.

If you are comfortable with leaving your answers in the comment area that is great this way others will have answers too. If not that is fine also if you would like to give your comments but not for everyone to see I understand 100%. You can email me your answer to the asingleparentslife email. Also all comments have to be approved before they are posted for others to see so if you trust that you can just state that you would rather your comment not be approved for all to see. I respect your wishes either way.

Ok here is my questions for you all…………………………………..

1. Are you or have you take any of the falling 3 pills?

A.  Seasonale     B.  Seasonique     C.   Lybrel

2.Why did you like/dislike them?

3. What other forms of birth control have you used besides this?

4. How did you like them compared to other forms you have used?

5. What side effects did you have from them?

6. How long did the side effects last?

I was on the pill when I got pregnant with my first almost 9 years ago. I took it every day same time all the time like they say and still got pregnant. It made me moody and sick some for about the first month. After that I don’t think it was to bad maybe once in a while. Not wanting to chance it with the pill again after I had my daughter I tried the patch that they just came out with. I really didn’t like it. I liked the idea and not having to take a pill every day it was great. But I felt sick all the time I was moody and sick all the time. Plus it never wanted to stay on for the full 5 to 7 days or what ever. The sticky stuff wasn’t that great. They say you can swim or take a bath with it and you really couldn’t. I really didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant because I could careless if we had sex or not. The¬†moodiness could have been partly from hormones and things from just having a baby and all that goes along with it. But I know the not wanting to have sex wasn’t because I was back to wanting and having sex 3 weeks after I had her. Hell I was wanting it before that but that was the soonest I could lol. I will not take the shots at all. I have read to many bad things about them and know to many people who got them and had problems. They I know are not an option for me. I tried the ring for a short time also but it made me feel like the patch did. I finally just gave up and went back to condoms who never failed me unless I didn’t use them. Well until this baby and I really believe that I got pregnant this time from one of the times we didn’t use anything or that he did something to the condoms before he put them on. Just by the way he acted and things plus I have never had as many¬†problems¬†with condoms as I had when I was with him. In 9 years of using them.

I know pretty much for sure this is my last baby. I am thinking I want to maybe go back to something more than condoms. Just so I don’t have to worry about it all the time. I have a little while to think about it but figure I would start doing research now and getting opinions. I like these too because you don’t have your monthly friend every month. That would be nice.

Again thank you in advance for reading this and taking the time to answer. It is greatly¬†appreciated¬†as I don’t really know anyone who is on any forms of birth control. That might be why everyone I know has 3 to 6 kids lol.



et cetera
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