Is There a God

I don’t think so!

I will be honest my religion, faith or whatever you want to call it is something that I have been questioning a lot lately. For a while I haven’t really thought of it one way or the othe. But the last month or so its been on my mind a lot and pressing.

A little history, I grew going to church until I was in my teens. Then I went off and on through my teens here and there. When I got out of school and started working I went speratic. Then right before I met father of the year I had started going with my moms friend to his church. Come to findout it was the church father of the years grandma had gone to for years and where he went. I am not sure why we didn’t keep going there since we both were going and he had been there for so long and had friends and things there. Well writing that it makes since he didn’t really want me to meet his friends and never really went around or talk to them much after we got together. Just like he ended up isolating me from mine. He didn’t want them to findout what he was really all about. Anyway we found a different much smaller church and went there for years until I stopped going once we started having problems and split up. That is the one that turned their back on me and the kids and said I ripped my family apart and was all poor father of the year and how bad I was.

When me and RC were together we were starting to check out different churches and trying to find one to start going to. Then about that time everything happen with us and we split up. Me and the kids started going to one years later after my dad passed but that didn’t last long. It was great for the kids but I felt like there was no where I fit on or anything for me. Did not relate to anyone because everyone was married or single never been married, didn’t have kids. It was hard to be able to go because I didn’t have a sister for the kids when they had womens bible study and small groups and things. I was looked at like I was the pluge or something because I wad divorced!! Of all things. No one ever took the time to findout why or to get to know us. There was one lady who was so nice and seemed to truely care and befriended me but she wasn’t there offten because of work and things. We ended up not going and no one missed us or cared. Never did anyone call and ask if things were okay of something was wrong or anything.

I know it sounds stupid maybe. But growing up the elders of the church, teachers and other were always in contact with the members of the church and new people. If a member didn’t show up after a Sunday or two if they had not heard from you they were calling or coming to see you and make sure you were okay. It was like a family and they really cared and you felt you had friends, support and if people really cared. Real connections. If you walked in to the church and had never been there you can bet a dozen people will have spoken to you, welcomed you and included you in what was going on. Now you go into these churches someone may or may not speak to you at all and you just kind of follow in whats going on or sit back and watch. No one calls or checks up on anyone or notices if they are gone even if they have been coming for a while and if they do they are quickly forgotten and everyone moves on as if they were never there.

So that is my stint with church this far in my almost 38 years of life. I have been “saved” twice, believed in gifts, laying hands and all that.

But for a while now I have been going back and forth and questioning the whole God and church thing. Looking back over the years thinking about everything and everything that is going on now makes me question him even more.

Everyone says, pray about it, have faith, trust God, in God’s time, God says yes, no, wait, just wait, don’t give up. It maybe tomorrow, next week, next year or 5 years, BUT things will get better just wiat, trust, believe, pray and go to church.

My response to that is, how long am I supposed to pray about it? How long am I supposed to have faith, believe and and trust? How bad off do I have to be before something remotely good happens? I don’t just wait i do and do and try to do better and get a head just to be knocked right back down in days or weeks. If something good does seem like it is happening it don’t last or don’t come through.

If there is a God why do I struggle so much just to live and not have anything can’t do anything and can’t provide? When I am trying to work, trying to go to school, take care of my kids and make a better life for us? But here I sit lights going off in a few days, car insurence do Monday, and no way to pay them. Then my phone and water and things due soon.

I do not get how if there is a God I am in this situation when all I do is try to make things better for us and work my ass off. While others over here lie and do everything they can to get all the help they can never try and have no plan to do better or want to do better. Then you have deadbeat father of the year who has a job, house, truck and everything else in the world he wants or needs handed to him while his kids suffer amd do without.

You know I did better in the past, had more and things like that but can I really say it was because of God? No I can’t say I feel that it was now. Looking back it was because I was in a different situation. There was two of us in the house working and I was able to work, go to school and do things because I had help. But what was the price I paid to have that help? Being treated like crap, knocked around, ignored, and more. So because I chose to get myself and my kids out of that then I should struggle and be miserable and unhappy the rest of my life and have to tell my kids we can’t do that, we can’t go there, we can’t get that all the time and sit and stress and worry if we are even going to have a place to live and things.

All because I refused to be abused anymore and because I refuse to get back in a situation like that or to go from man to man and live off of them. Because I would rather have a real relationship than an atm? But doesn’t the bible say we aren’t supposed to do that kind of thing as well? But if we do it we are rewarded for it?

Yeah none of it makes since if there was a God life would not be this way. Then people want to get upset if you question it or it isn’t for you. Why would it be with all that I have been through and church after church turn their back or not make you feel welcome and no mater how much you pray and do your still in the same boat 5 years 8 years down the road. Why everyone else living and happy.

Everyone is welcome to have their say and I would love to hear others opinions on it all. But I also know that topics like this are very hot topics and can get out of hand. We are all adults and can have respectful conversations and different points of view with eachother. Rude, nasty or disrespectful comments will not be approved.But I really would like to hear others out on why things are this way for some and that way for others if there is such a loving and caring God? He can make ways why hasn’t he? Why is the only way I could do decent was to be in an abusive relationship? Why when I get out all I do is struggle and can’t beg for help give people things or pay them even to help me and everyone turns their back? Why if he cares so much don’t he make a way?when I am trying? I will probably get a lot of backlash may lose some followers but that is okay. Just show that what I am saying is right. When you question or don’t fit in their box instead of helping they turn their backs.

 

Maybe It Isn’t The Stress

Maybe it isn’t the stress that has me feeling like I need to go talk to them right now and figureout where everyone stands on everything. Where I stand and if this is going to open a new chaper in my life or leave me wondering through on my own as always. Maybe it is just me who is wanting to get it done,because I am ready to get up and have a life again and not just live it like I have been. Maybe this isn’t a bad thing at all. Just maybe its all going to turn out good and that is why I feel the need to get it done. Yeah I have no idea what to say or how to start and scared of the reaction and the outcome. I also feel complete peace and am 100% okay with my decision to talk to him tell him how I feel and feel that everything is going to work out with everyone being happer and working toward things they want. Even if there is rejection I am okay with it.

It has been a while since I set goals and made plans and really worked toward them. I told you all a long time ago I had reached most of my goals had to post pon a few. It was time to set some more and make some plans. I think that was right before or right after Father of the Year pulled all this and its just been a whirlwind of trying to keep up with everything and survive get through. Now I am starting to feel stable, I don’t know why because I am carless, not making it on the job i have. But I feel I am in a better mind set than I have been in a long time. It is time to get things rolling again. Maybe because I think I can truely move up by my cousin and soon. That is going to be my main short term goal. That whatever happens we are going to be okay.

I just feel free in so many ways. It is hard to explain. But affter thinking about everything over all I don’t feel that it is stress behind it all at all. Yes I am stressed about some things but not overly. I think I just feel I need to get up and get things done vs. Just doing whatever to get through the day.

A True Sign From Above

As I said in my last post we left because of the storm and because we were worried about a tree going through the house. We didn’t get back until after 9 pm Saturday and had no power. I took a flashlight and walked down the street and looked around my house to see if there was any other damage I had not heard about. I seen something laying in the yard but did not go into the yard where it was to see what it was. It was over by my bedroom window and by the trees. The yard gets mushy and I didn’t want to get around the tree and have a lizard or snake get on me. I forgot about it until the next afternoon when I want to start the grill. I walked over to see what it was and this is what I found.

signI was surprised when I seen what it was. I have no idea what language it is in or anything else but I don’t think what it says is as important as the picture.  When I seen it I just felt this calm and peace come over me and something in my head said your supposed to be here, your supposed to stay here like you planed. I just had this feeling that nothing happen to the house because this is where we are supposed to stay here until I finish school and we move out of state like I planed.

Before the storm I posted about the kids wanting to move, they said can we please move and wanted to just go somewhere pick a place and stay instead of coming back. Then my mom was saying we all could just get a big truck put our stuff in it and go find a place and stay together until we all could get our own places. I said I would stay here from now on before I would do that but had been considering what the kids were saying about moving now and just staying somewhere. I know I really need to finish school before I go. I can most likely finish still if I moved but I think I need to do it here it be easier. I think if I move I will get detracted and just go back to work and forget school. I really don’t want to do that. But I was thinking about moving and trying it. Now I am not even thinking about moving or having to move. I think this place will be ours as long as we need it and as long as we are supposed to have it. We will know when the time is right and make a plan from there.

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