{October 14, 2018}   Is There a God

I don’t think so!

I will be honest my religion, faith or whatever you want to call it is something that I have been questioning a lot lately. For a while I haven’t really thought of it one way or the othe. But the last month or so its been on my mind a lot and pressing.

A little history, I grew going to church until I was in my teens. Then I went off and on through my teens here and there. When I got out of school and started working I went speratic. Then right before I met father of the year I had started going with my moms friend to his church. Come to findout it was the church father of the years grandma had gone to for years and where he went. I am not sure why we didn’t keep going there since we both were going and he had been there for so long and had friends and things there. Well writing that it makes since he didn’t really want me to meet his friends and never really went around or talk to them much after we got together. Just like he ended up isolating me from mine. He didn’t want them to findout what he was really all about. Anyway we found a different much smaller church and went there for years until I stopped going once we started having problems and split up. That is the one that turned their back on me and the kids and said I ripped my family apart and was all poor father of the year and how bad I was.

When me and RC were together we were starting to check out different churches and trying to find one to start going to. Then about that time everything happen with us and we split up. Me and the kids started going to one years later after my dad passed but that didn’t last long. It was great for the kids but I felt like there was no where I fit on or anything for me. Did not relate to anyone because everyone was married or single never been married, didn’t have kids. It was hard to be able to go because I didn’t have a sister for the kids when they had womens bible study and small groups and things. I was looked at like I was the pluge or something because I wad divorced!! Of all things. No one ever took the time to findout why or to get to know us. There was one lady who was so nice and seemed to truely care and befriended me but she wasn’t there offten because of work and things. We ended up not going and no one missed us or cared. Never did anyone call and ask if things were okay of something was wrong or anything.

I know it sounds stupid maybe. But growing up the elders of the church, teachers and other were always in contact with the members of the church and new people. If a member didn’t show up after a Sunday or two if they had not heard from you they were calling or coming to see you and make sure you were okay. It was like a family and they really cared and you felt you had friends, support and if people really cared. Real connections. If you walked in to the church and had never been there you can bet a dozen people will have spoken to you, welcomed you and included you in what was going on. Now you go into these churches someone may or may not speak to you at all and you just kind of follow in whats going on or sit back and watch. No one calls or checks up on anyone or notices if they are gone even if they have been coming for a while and if they do they are quickly forgotten and everyone moves on as if they were never there.

So that is my stint with church this far in my almost 38 years of life. I have been “saved” twice, believed in gifts, laying hands and all that.

But for a while now I have been going back and forth and questioning the whole God and church thing. Looking back over the years thinking about everything and everything that is going on now makes me question him even more.

Everyone says, pray about it, have faith, trust God, in God’s time, God says yes, no, wait, just wait, don’t give up. It maybe tomorrow, next week, next year or 5 years, BUT things will get better just wiat, trust, believe, pray and go to church.

My response to that is, how long am I supposed to pray about it? How long am I supposed to have faith, believe and and trust? How bad off do I have to be before something remotely good happens? I don’t just wait i do and do and try to do better and get a head just to be knocked right back down in days or weeks. If something good does seem like it is happening it don’t last or don’t come through.

If there is a God why do I struggle so much just to live and not have anything can’t do anything and can’t provide? When I am trying to work, trying to go to school, take care of my kids and make a better life for us? But here I sit lights going off in a few days, car insurence do Monday, and no way to pay them. Then my phone and water and things due soon.

I do not get how if there is a God I am in this situation when all I do is try to make things better for us and work my ass off. While others over here lie and do everything they can to get all the help they can never try and have no plan to do better or want to do better. Then you have deadbeat father of the year who has a job, house, truck and everything else in the world he wants or needs handed to him while his kids suffer amd do without.

You know I did better in the past, had more and things like that but can I really say it was because of God? No I can’t say I feel that it was now. Looking back it was because I was in a different situation. There was two of us in the house working and I was able to work, go to school and do things because I had help. But what was the price I paid to have that help? Being treated like crap, knocked around, ignored, and more. So because I chose to get myself and my kids out of that then I should struggle and be miserable and unhappy the rest of my life and have to tell my kids we can’t do that, we can’t go there, we can’t get that all the time and sit and stress and worry if we are even going to have a place to live and things.

All because I refused to be abused anymore and because I refuse to get back in a situation like that or to go from man to man and live off of them. Because I would rather have a real relationship than an atm? But doesn’t the bible say we aren’t supposed to do that kind of thing as well? But if we do it we are rewarded for it?

Yeah none of it makes since if there was a God life would not be this way. Then people want to get upset if you question it or it isn’t for you. Why would it be with all that I have been through and church after church turn their back or not make you feel welcome and no mater how much you pray and do your still in the same boat 5 years 8 years down the road. Why everyone else living and happy.

Everyone is welcome to have their say and I would love to hear others opinions on it all. But I also know that topics like this are very hot topics and can get out of hand. We are all adults and can have respectful conversations and different points of view with eachother. Rude, nasty or disrespectful comments will not be approved.But I really would like to hear others out on why things are this way for some and that way for others if there is such a loving and caring God? He can make ways why hasn’t he? Why is the only way I could do decent was to be in an abusive relationship? Why when I get out all I do is struggle and can’t beg for help give people things or pay them even to help me and everyone turns their back? Why if he cares so much don’t he make a way?when I am trying? I will probably get a lot of backlash may lose some followers but that is okay. Just show that what I am saying is right. When you question or don’t fit in their box instead of helping they turn their backs.


{September 27, 2018}   You Need Church

Mr. To Broken has been talking to me again just the same as if nothing ever happened. He again all with his I love you yada yada, blah, blah. The other night he said something about praying and I told him I didn’t see a reason to or do it anymore really. Something like that anyway. He didn’t say much.

To be honest I haven’t really prayed in a ling time or really had a relationship or whatever you want to call it in a long time. Here and there I say a prayer for someone or what but nothing like I use to. I go back and forth on this a lot. On praying, believing, wanting to go to church and just all of it in general.

As I said before my church turned their back on me and my kids when I got a divorce. I ture my family apart. Why would I do that we had the “perfect” family. I was told this many times by many people. We had the “picture perfect” family, we couldn’t have problems that bad. Just pray about it and wait for it to get better.

Then when we went to this new church I was the only single divorced mom there. It wasn’t a very welcoming place.

So two major times I look for support and turn to the one place I should never have to worry about being judged I was judged the most, turned away and made to feel unwelcomed. Why would I feel excited to try another church? Even when I didn’t go, for years I still prayed and maintained my relationship with god. Look where I sit, still fighting still struggling, still getting no where no matter how hard I fight and try.

Sometimes I have the thought of you need to find a church and go. Or maybe things would get better if I work on that area of my life again and go. Just the other day I was thinking about it and started looking churches up in my area. I wanted to see what sunday school classes they offer, small groups and bible study. None offer any kind of single parent mineastry for mom or dads or them as a whole of any kind.

When I go to regulare bible study I don’t fit in everyone is married or never been married don’t have kids. We talk but we just don’t realy relate because we are going through way different things. Before long your just kind of left out or pushed to the side. You can tell most are uncomfortable with you. It is like if your a divorced woman with kids and you left your husband he didn’t leave you. Your just secured your spot in hell so why are you even there amoung them anyway. Because your supposed to just pray about it and hope it changes.

I think Mr. To Broken got a little mad at me because I said I wouldn’t go. But it’s okay, I have no desire to go somewhere and sit and be looked down on and judged. I get that enough from my family. I don’t need it from a building full of stranges all the time.

If he is going and enjoys it and it is working for him thats great. I am happy for him, and don’t judge him one way or another for it. I just don’t feel it is for me right now. I can’t handle going there and dealing with it all again and to be done that way again. If the churches really don’t feel like that then why do none of them have nothing for parents and or their kids? They know it isn’t easy and they could use all the support they can get and the fellowship and bible study too. They can’t say it isn’t that big of a deal they are welcome to join our other groups. But then why are there groups for people that like the outdoors, one for people over 50 or stay at home moms or men who like to hunt and singles never been married. If it don’t matter why is it stay at home moms or working moms and why is never been married added to singles group? If it matters to these groups to study and fellow ship with like minded people why is it odd to feel there should be a single parents or single moms and a sinlge dads group or a single parwnts ministry? It does make a difference.

Maybe I am wrong but for none of the churches to have anything it seems to say a lot about their veiw and thoughts. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am a little jaded in my view because of the way I have been done. But I really don’t think so. Like I said funny none seem to have anything for single parents.

{August 21, 2018}   3:00 A.M. Thought

I was sleeping good until the bitch came and woke me up over 30 minutes ago. Now I am laying here with a 1001 thoughts going through my head and I don’t even know why.

I have thought about the pervert living across the street. Why is he there? Why would they let him back? Why is he allowed to live 3 houses from the school?

I have thought about Father of The Year and am I really going to get money from him on the first? Why won’t the state nail it to him like they do these other guys and make him get a job and pay? I have not heard from them in about a month so I have no idea what is going on. I really do need that money. I need it this week not next but Iwill wait and make do. I just hope it comes.

I have thought about Sleeping Beauty because I have not heard from him today. I don’t know what it is everytime I think about him I just feel this need to pray for him.

Of course I have been thinking about the Bitch and wanting her out of my house now. Not in a month or few weeks I just want her out. I am so tired of the way she does and acts. Today something was said about child support and I said they won’t help me and things. She of course starts telling me how it is my fault!! Something else I have no control over she tells me it is my fault why it is the way if is. I tell her no this is what they told me she still telling me no its me i didn’t this or that. I tell her i did so then i didn’t I am lying of some other reason it is my fault. Bitching about everything here when how to clean it. Then why it dont get done. It dont get done because she bitches and demands. And does nothing its not her house. I am just waiting for the 13 of the month and the first. If I start getting child support and she dont do something about this ssi by the 13th and get out she is gone. I will take the money and file an eviction against her, come the first of October when I get money again. Maybe sooner if i can take care of things before then.

{August 12, 2018}   How Do You Pray

I grew up going to church my younger two kids spent half their lives in church before we stopped going. I am still horrible when it comes to praying and don’t ask me to pray out loud because that just isn’t going to happen. I can’t sit or stand and pary for someone I have no idea what to say or anything like that. It just don’t come to me or sounds stupid if it does. Wjen I pray to myself I get distracted and keep starting over. I use to have no problems praying on my own alone. Now I will be and catch myself off thinking about somethimg else amd I don’t even know I am doing it until I stop to think about what I am doing or supposed to be doing.

I sometimes I wonder if religion is even for me anymore and wonder what I am even doing. It is like you can’t even stay on track and just get a prayer done without thinking about everything else. Why are you even doing it? You don’t go to church anymore why bother. Its just something else to add to your to do list that you already have a 100,000,999 other things on. Your dropping the ball on 100,000,995 of them including this. And those 4 your not doing very good at taking care of, they are half assed.

I want to go to church I don’t want to take my mother with me like she wants to go. For the simple fact of the way she is and that I just want nothing to do with her at all. Other than that I work on Sundays right now. I have to be there by 1. Unless I find one that has an ealry time then I do not get out in time. Then I don’t get off until 12/1 am on Sunday. It too feels like something else to fit in and do. I hate doing things when I feel like it is just another thing on my list to get done and taking up time when I don’t have to do it. I like going the kids love going and keep asking to go. I see a difference when we go. There is a new small church that just open a block or so from home. I told the kids when my mother leaves and isn’t there to run her mouth and start crap she has nothing to do with I am going to take them and check it out. If we like it then they can walk to and from there and go even if I have to work. My friends house is like three doors away from it. So if something happen they can always go to her house there is always someone there. Between her house and mine I am not to worried. Everyone on that street now seem pretty decent and they can always call me and talk to me until they get home. About a quarter to half the houses are owned by the church that is on the other corner from the one they would be going with. And a lot of their people walk back and forth as well. I know the people that live in another one there and another house is my good friends ex in laws. The rest have all lived there for years as long as me or longer. No one has had any problems with anyone or eachother. Before there is no way even know the people in some of the houses would I have let them walk it alone. There was to much drugs and things down through there. But between my friend the church and the others on the street they have gotten them out of there and cleaned it up. Its been a few years it has been nice.

I want to go if I didn’t have to work and really like the one we started going to after my dad passed away. But it was just so far away and I didn’t have the extra gas go two or three times a week and they didn’t have childcare for a lot of the things they had for women like bible study or small groups. My kids were to small to leave home at that time.

I am just in a down mood today and seem to be slipping further in. I been at work since just before 1 and alone since just after and O have not moved out of my chair since I got here. We do not have anyone coming in to do a room u til 430 so about another 20 minutes. I sat for the last 3 hours and played on my phone.

I did walk over to the store for a minute to get post it notes for the store. I bought myself this nice note pad to start trying to write in. It small fits in my purse I don’t have to worry about losing it or everyone getting a hold of it or what.

Got to get off here my first group just walked in. I have one a little after them starting and that is it for my day so far. 2.5 hours left.


{May 31, 2018}   Praying

{May 28, 2018}   4 Days Behind

I told you all about the 30 day prayer challenge and prayer journal I started. I am now 4 days down in writting. While I haven’t written I have prayed for my list of people. It hasn’t been as in depth as when I write but I haven’t forgotten or stopped praying for them. Its been quick things here and there as I am going about my day or as I lay down at night to just unwind and relaxe.

Mostly just help so and so with, I haven’t talk to such and such hope everything is ok be with them. Or just whatever I think of at the time.

I really want to get back to writting I feel like I think of so much more to pray for when I get to each person.

I have just been exhausted the last 3 or 4 nights after working and running. The other night it was all I could do to not just fall over on my bed and pass out while I was eating my sub after work.

{February 28, 2017}   Just Had To Share


Still do everyday.

{August 11, 2014}   Strange Feelings and Thoughts

Have you ever just out of the blue thought of someone and thought they are sick with or going to dying of something? I mean someone you haven’t seen or talk to in a while or know anything about any more really? The other night after everyone went to bed I was up late as always unable to sleep. I went in the bathroom to get a shower and was thinking about what I needed to do to get stuff ready for the kids so they can start their school work. I have put it off and put it off and I have to get it done. All of a sudden from no where this little voice said RC is going to die of liver failure. I just thought probably if he keeps doing the things he is doing and went on. But thought it was odd that when I wasn’t even thinking about him hadn’t in a while really. I tried to get his address but he had moved. I have been to busy to try and track it any more. I felt with all the changes going on here right now I should just give it a little more time until I get everything settled. There is nothing to use in court. Not that he really has anything anyway when I am the one that has been here 24/7 since day one with her and he has only seen her a few hours one time at the most.

But twice since then random times when I am doing things it has happen. The other night I was sitting on the computer looking around on facebook and just not doing anything. This thought or whatever you want to call it popped in my head. But this time it was more definite it was RC is dying of liver problems. The thought I had yesterday was you need to talk to him, don’t wait and try to find him just pick up the phone and call him. All kind of like when I wrote Pray. Something keeps pushing me to just. It isn’t like they are just things that cross my mind or what these are like things said clear as day as if someone walked up to you and said hey did you hear about so and so. You may want to call them or whatever. I know I couldn’t talk to him if I did call him probably because of her. I thought about just calling to see if he answers and if it is still his number. Then maybe just sending a text or something but I don’t even know what I would say to him. Hey are you dying I keep thinking about it and have this feeling that you are. So how’s your liver have you killed it yet? Ok ok that is just wrong but you know really. I don’t wish anything bad on him or to happen to him. I really would like for things to change one day and my daughter get to know her dad and have some kind of relationship with that side of the family. The normal not crazy ones that is.

I just don’t know I really had just decided to leave it alone and not mess with it. Things are going good and really falling into place and starting to turn around for me and my kids. If he is sick what can I do? What am I supposed to do? Do I need that stress in my life right now and dealing with it if he is and if he isn’t what may come of it if I do get a hold of him. As much as I feel he needs to do his part and we could use it I just feel that right now I am being told it isn’t the right time to pursue that avenue for whatever reason. But then why am I having all these thoughts and things? I’m sure if something is wrong with him he will end up in a hospital or some kind of care place because she isn’t going to take care of him and he will be of no use to her any more. But there is really nothing I could do about that or be obligated to do after the way he has done us. Then i think maybe I should just go with it and see what happens. Every other time I go with what I want and not what I know I should be or don’t follow my gut feeling then everything falls apart. I am just torn what all this means. It is probably all nothing but then why am I thinking it and have the feelings I do?

Please don’t think that anything I have said here is meant that I don’t care or I think that it is funny or anything like that. I am just being very honest that I don’t know what to say to him if I was to call. It would be very sad if something is wrong. But I don’t know what I can do if anything is wrong or that I should the way things are and have been and went. I don’t know what to do, I’m just going to pray about it and see what happens from there.

{June 13, 2014}   So Very Blessed

My family has been so blessed the last couple days I have been running none stop haven’t really had time to sit down and post. In fact I am running on less than 6 hours of sleep since I got up Tuesday Morning. Between trying to take care of everything and haven a sick baby who isn’t sleeping at night.

I am trying so hard to stretch the money and make it pay everything and make it last but it is hard enough with what we make in a month as it is with out his job being slow as I have ever seen it the last month. This why I need to go back to work as well. I’m robbing Peter to pay Paul and just going in a huge circle ever month. I big thing that really got us is we had to take a pay day loan and now we are paying it back to turn around and borrow it again. It is such a horrible cycle to get into. I would say to anyone who is thinking about doing that DON”T it is the hardest thing to get a way from. Trust me on this if nothing else.

Well with work being slow and not being able to get caught up we are barely floating. I have had to borrow money this last week from my mom and my dad. My sister has helped me with a few things. We had something unexpected happen. There was nothing we could do about it and had to take care of it. I was so upset and stressing. I had said to father of the year what if we sell the other truck and take the money from that to help us just get everything back on track. He said no he wanted it and all this.

I am making payment on a washer and drier because I don’t have one. Something happen it mine. I really couldn’t tell you for the life of me what happen to the ones I had. Oh the house I was in before this one had one. The one I had before that was a extra one my mom had and I gave it to my sister. The drier decided to stop working and I junked it. But anyway. With every thing going on I said I was going to have to tell them to come get them because I just can’t make the payment on them this time. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

My truck needs tires they are bad or wore is a understatement. There is no tread left on them it really isn’t safe to be driving around. But I sure don’t have close to $1000 for new ones and used one in the size it needs are next to impossible to get. Called all over today and one place said they had 4 good ones. Got there they were no good.

Yesterday I see this guy slow down in front of my house, then he stops and gets out. I went out to see what he wanted. He starts asking me about the truck I have sitting in my front yard that we don’t drive. He wants to buy it. I told him what all it needed and that I didn’t know if he would sell it or not. Told him to give me a price. He wouldn’t give me a price he kept asking what I wanted for it. I think he thought I didn’t know that much about it and it needed so much I would give it to him for nothing. About that time father of the year called I told him. He said to tell him $2000. I told him that was way to much for it so he said $1000. I told him he said that was high for it and what all it needed. It was and it wasn’t. I got off the phone and told him to make me an offer he said it was ok to sell it but I was the one that really had the final say because it was still in my name. I was the one that would or wouldn’t sign the title. He only wanted to give me $600. I told him I couldn’t let it go for that. I would talk to father of the year when he got home see what he thought and call him later that night or the next morning. I just wanted him to go I had my sons therapist here and didn’t have time to deal with it. He kept looking at it and looking at it. I finally ask him if he would give me $800 for it. He said yes to talk to him and get back with him.

Later father of the year reminded me that the air didn’t work in it when I parked it. I figured when I told him that he wouldn’t want it or he would say he only wanted to give me the A$600 or less then. The air to just have the front parts replaced is $2000 and a 10 hour job. So cost to him would be probably about $600 just for parts and then to get it filled. I was going to call him today it was getting to be dinner time and things. He showed back up at my door said that something was wrong with his phone so he wanted make sure I hadn’t called him. I told him no. But that I needed to talk to him.

I told him all about the air and that right about the time I parted it it had started blowing hot. I told him I hadn’t had it checked and didn’t know what was wrong with it. He said that was fine she could roll the windows down. It is for his wife. So he went and got her and brought her back she loved it. She asked how much and I told her $800 she was like oh my god what no. She said I have $700. I just said I got to get $800 and he told her he already told me and we agreed on the $800. She said ok. I told him we could go to the tag office today and I would transfer everything and he could pay me and have it. But it be after 11. He was at my door at 8:45. I had fallen a sleep for a couple hours didn’t wake up. He had been at my house about 6 times since he stopped and asked me about it. I wanted to scream at him today forget it I’m keeping it you won’t stop hounding me and being pus-hie. I didn’t he wanted to give me money and wanted a bill of sales and the key. I just told him we had to go to the tag office first I wasn’t doing all that.

In the mean time in between all this I found a washer and drier on a swap shop. They said they wanted $50 for the drier and $20 for the washer it didn’t rise not sure what was wrong with it. But they are only two years old probably easy fix. I got a hold of the lady and told her I really wanted them that I really needed them not just want. Because I was going to have to send mine back. But that I couldn’t pick them up until he got off work tonight. I told her I needed them because I wanted her to know if she held them I would be there to get them. She said ok that was fine.

This evening we get there to get them they are on base she met us and had to ride in with us because we don’t have pass to get on base. On the way back to her place she tells me my husband said to just give you the washer so it will only be $50. I of course told her thank you and everything. We were talking why the guys were loading them and things she said on here I have some clothes for your daughter you can have, gave me a little bag of clothes. Then she gave me this big bag that was over flowing and said here this may fit your son you can have it too.

Then she asked if I coupon. I told her I had in the past before it got big and everyone started doing it and into it. That I was starting to get back into it again. She gave me 6 coupons for $5 off of your order of $30 or more. These are coupons that everyone is searching for and trying to get any way they can and buying. If you coupon you probably know the one I am talking about. Most people want you to buy them or trade them other coupons or something. She gave me the 6 of them that came to $35 off. Then she also gave me a bag for of inserts that I forgot and left there. (kicking self in ass) for that one. Then when we left she said she was going to have her husband take her back to the gate to get her car. I told her we didn’t mind she said no it was ok. Then as we were going out the door to the truck she said I will just ride with you. we get up by the gate to leave and she said you can pull over here so your out of the way. She went to get out and she turned around to me and handed me 2 $25 gift cards for Apple bees’s and said enjoy take the kids and enjoy a dinner with your family sometime. I told her no that was ok I didn’t want to do that I had all ready got a great deal on the washer and drier. She said no to take them and left them on the seat.

I dropped the washer at my grandpa’s for him to look at for me. I can decide if it is fixable and worth fixing. But when they unloaded it from the trailer he said the bottom under it was full of lent and a bunch of stuff. He said the newer ones have a filter under there somewhere and that if they get full they won’t work. He had two jobs there he is working on he said it would probably be Monday before he got to try it out and really see what was wrong because he had to get them done and out. Just depends on the rain and how long the other jobs take. So it is probably a easy fix and I will have a washer and drier and not have to make that monthly payment. I am having them pick up the drier tomorrow going to pull out enough to pay for the washer for two weeks and give him time to check the other, decide if it’s what he thinks. If not what it is and fix it and get it home or get rid of it. Even if I just have to pay on the washer for now it will be a lot cheaper. They are only like 2 years old. They are military getting ready to move across the country. Like he said he they were flying out tonight to be a way for a week and when he gets home they get in the car to drive across country a week trip. He don’t have time to mess with it and don’t want to haul it across country with it not working.

The alternator when on my truck the other week I pulled the one off the parked on and put on it because I didn’t have a way to get anywhere and they said they couldn’t take it back because I didn’t have my paperwork. Today since I was selling the truck and that is now one of the things it needed I decided to take it over and see if I could get them to trade it since it was supposed to have life time on it. Me and the kids took it in he asked if I had the paper told him no the kids cleaned the truck out and got rid of it by accident. Mine didn’t but the people that I sold it to for a while kids did. He took it over talked to the other guy came back and said ok let me go see if we have one. He came back gave me a new one put a new sticker on it and we were on our way.

I am happy that they did because now I can put the other one back on the other truck and have my new one. But also the other truck will have one on it for the guy who bought it. Because he has to get a radiator for it, fix the air, replace all the front end parts under it, get a battery and all 4 tires plus the spare because the tires are shot on that one too. I put old ones on it put the good ones on my truck. It still has my new radiator in it but mine is leaking and needs replaced I can’t get a new one. I told him that it had one but it needed a new one it leaked. Father of the year is out there now trading them and putting the alternator back on. I still can’t believe he bought it not hearing it run and it needing all these parts. But he is putting all the parts on his self and if he gets used it won’t cost him as much as it would me. Because I don’t really have anyone one to put them in for me anymore and I try to buy new when I have to replace things because I can’t be taking chances on getting stuck with the kids and not having people to call and money to buy more parts. I know for what he is paying me and and for parts and the money he is saving doing the work himself he is still getting a pretty good deal. Because the truck will be worth more than what he has in it when he gets it running again and the body and inside are in really good shape. I don’t know when I would have gotten to it to fix it and it has already sat for a year. It isn’t good to let them sit like that more goes wrong with them. But even with all that it needed and the parts I already got off of it I had to get at least what I did because I had at least that much and more in parts that I could take off and use for my truck. It has $500 in new parts that only have a years worth of wear on them. The windshield is another $100. I need one for my truck but it isn’t a must right now. I know I could have pulled all the stuff I still need or want for mine and sold the rest and came out with more. But I need the cash I really want it out of the way and I don’t have time to mess with it. I don’t need the parts right now for mine so not even going to bother with it. He also brought me some stuff for us and the kids that we could use to that was really nice of him. He is coming tomorrow to give me the other half of the money and take it.

It truly has been a few days filled with blessing for our family. Everything that we needed or was having problems with just about has been taken care of. Maybe not the way I was hoping or completely but there is still time and I am sure that things with work them selves out and everything is going to be alright. I can say I am truly just over whelmed with it all and thankful because for once it seems that things are really turning around for us. And I just pray that they keep turning and it is sign of even bigger things to come. I don’t know why but in dealing with the things that have been happening the last few days I have this one thing that keeps coming to my mind and nagging. Nothing bad but something else that would be a awesome blessing I have been trying to figure out how to make it happen. Maybe it is the next blessing to happen. Well two things really. So we shall see.

Because god has really been talking and showing me things the last few weeks. I was kind of half listening the first week and this week he kind of showed me I guess. I have been where I need to be with my faith and things for a while I try to get there and then fall a way for a while. There has been a lady coming here to the house and talking to me every since I moved in. I missed her the last two weeks with everything going on with the kids. We aren’t the same faith but believe some of the same.

I am asking everyone to say a prayer for a little 5 year old boy and his family tonight they need all they can get. God will know who it is. Hold your kids closer and say a prayer for them too.

Tonight the kids had their 2nd stars meeting so I stopped picked my friend and her daughter up and we went. I dropped them off and ended up hanging out by the truck talking to her longer than I planned to. I told myself just drop and go baby was getting fussy and I had my 3 year old at another friends being watched. I was in a hurry to get to him. I got out to let her daughter out and started talking. Wasn’t there long maybe 5 minutes.

I headed home called my friend who had my son and was talking to her. I got about 6 miles from home and I seen a truck to the right of the road stopped. As I got closer I could tell it was in the road. I slowed down trying to figure out what was going on and where the people were I could tell no one was in it and it was in the middle of that lane. As I slowly drove by I seen someone stooped down and a person laying there. You could tell they had been ran over. It was bad. I said to my friend oh my god someone has been hit and it looks like a kid or very small adult but I think it is a kid.

She hung up and called her husband because he had been in or was about to be in that same area on his way home from somewhere else. He said someone said it was a man they didn’t know if it was a teen or adult that had been ran over. Still horrible horrible thing to happen to anyone one but thank GOd it wasn’t a child. I would rather it be me than any child out there. I still was shaken and felt sick. I got my son and came home. We did what we had to do dinner and bedtime.

Later the news came on and my friend called me to tell me it was on the news and what they were saying because she knew I was outside not watching it. Turns out sad but true I was right and it was a child. It was a 5 year old little boy with autism. I they airlifted him to the childrens hospital I am guessing.  His family was there at the volunteer fire department for a boy scout meeting and he got away from them I guess as they were leaving or something and he ran in to the highway.

I am in tears and sick this hits so close to home as my own son is autistic. Father of the year has just pissed me off to the point of leaving the room to avoid a fight. He says how could parents let that happen and this and that about it. I am sure they did not let it happen. Anyone with a child with special needs knows how hard it is to start with. Then when you have them out you are always on edge. But things happen that is out of any of our control. Kids like this do not understand danger and a lot have no fear. It isn’t hard for one to slip away from the most watchful of parents. My son about that age maybe a year older walked away from me and his dad in the store one night. He wasn’t a wanderer or a runner he didn’t like to be by himself or in public or away from us. He always walked along beside me in the store he would hold my hand or my pocket and stay right with us. He had a melt down and I turned my head to get the keys out of the diaper bag and turned back around and that fast he had walked a way  to the point I could not find him. I freaked. I went and asked them to help me find him and everything else.

This little boy may have never been a runner he may have just been trying to play around or follow the other kids and got a little too far from his mom and dad or whoever he was there with. We never know with kids like this what idea they are going to get in their mind or at what moment. Something sets them off upsets them or makes them mad and that new idea comes into their head lets do this instead of this they just do it. They again are not thinking about the danger around.

So please no rude comments or remarks about the parents and what they should have or could have done. That they are bad parents how did they let this happen or anything like that. Lets just all pull together and pray for this little boy and his family. I wish there was something I could do for him and his family but I just don’t know what. I don’t know who he was or anything else right now. Any ideas would be great.

et cetera
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