{March 17, 2019}   Unexpected Praying

I haven’t prayed in a long time, probably since I tried to do the 30 day prayer challenge back last year. Here is where I am right now.

I am at my day job that I love. It is all I have wanted other than pay. I am able to come and go and take off when I need or want to. Everyone I work with are supper nice.

I was at the lot it wasn’t working for me but most of the people were nice. The pay days and hours sucked but it was just enough to cover everything between the two.

Now tomorrow I start this new job in the evenings and leave the car lot. The hours are good no more weekends and the pay is great. The people I have met so far are nice. I can more than make the bills in a month. I can get ahead and have somethings. Get new truck and fix things.

I am happy for the most part, life isn’t perfect but it never will be. I am okay with the way things are for the most part. I don’t feel this doom and gloom feeling all the time. I feel like everything is alright or working out. I still feel somethings aren’t fair or right but I don’t care. That’s another post all together.

But I don’t miss not going to church or the praying or any of it. It has been years since I went to church last and a while since I prayed. I use to pray even when I wasn’t in church. I tried that challenge because I hadn’t been praying like I should. But it didn’t work out and I gave up on all of it. Like I said I have been okay with it all. I had not even thought about any of it until a few weeks a go. I was driving down the street thinking about Sleeping Beauty and all that is going on and was said and done between us. How things are now what me and bff has been talking about. AnD over The last few weeks I keep catching myself thinking about all of it and praying. I don’t even notice or realize I am doing it until I get distracted by something else and then think about what I was doing. Most the time I am just driving a long.

I don’t know why or what causes it or even gets me started. It seems very odd or weird even to me. Because I haven’t prayed for anyone or anything in so long. Someone brings it up I tell them yeah I don’t do that anymore or I don’t believe in it or what. People say pray for me I say I would if it was something I do but good luck.   Why am I not even trying or knowing and why in this situation now? Why do our minds do that to us?

I am so mad right now I want to call his boss back and tell him off. When we are talking about all this on the phone and I am upset and talking about owing and needing this money to pay bills.

His boss says to me don’t you have a man in your life?

I said what? I was stunned and confused because it came from nowhere. As I said what it hit me what he was getting at.

I said no I don’t, I said I haven’t had anyone in my life in 4.5 or 5 year. He said wow really? No? I said yeah, I said I am the only one doing everything for 4 kids by myself I get no help from anyone at all. I said and most times I am working 2 or 3 jobs just trying to keep bills paid. I have no time for anything or to meet anyone or go out. I am here taking care of my kids and making sure they have what they need. I think again he said oh and something he was surprised. I didn’t figure he would belive it but he seem as if he did he was really surprised. But I know peterpan has told him who knows what and her too.

I do think I am going to message him tomorrow and ask him if we can meet up sit down and talk. Because he needs to really know what is what and it needs to be talked about calmly not when i am mad or upset. Now that he is starting to see what is really going on.

He said to me I know it isn’t a lot and not what you want to hear but I am going to pray for you. I said I gave up on that a long time ago, if that worked I woukd not be in the situation I am in. He said well now you cant think that way or something. I said well it is true everytime i turn around im shit on. We got off onto something else then.

I really do want to sit down and talk to him and tell him look i know you just think im baby momma trying start crap bitter or whatever because I know they have said all kinds of things about me. But before I say anything else, think about this. Who has the kids? Who has had them? Who has had a house the last 4/5 years? Who has a vehicle, who is working 2 or 3 jobs to make sure their kids have a place to stay? Who is taking them to school, doctors, field trips and everything else? Who has made sure they had some kind of birthday and Christmas why the other don’t call send a card or anything else? If he isn’t doing any of that for his kids and has lied about it then why do you think he would tell the truth about anything else? You can see my kids you can talk to them, you can ask anyone thet will tell you who is doing it all. If I wasn’t doing something do you think I would be in my house as long as I have? Do you think I would have a car? So now lets talk so I can tell you what is going on what happen and how we have ended up where we are. Then you decide who you believe.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: