Single___Parent___Life











{September 17, 2020}   Re: Screwed Up Big Time

I had told JW yesterday morning when I realized what had happen. I picked him up we went and got something to eat. Came home walked the dog and ate dinner. We started to talk and then had to stop to take care of something. We ended up going to bed kind of early. We laid down and I told him I screwed up. He asked what happen?

I said I screwed up. He ask what I done what was wrong? I told him earlier I did and he wanted to know what. I told him we would talk in person. I said we may have an issue. He said we why what is wrong babe? I told him the last couple nights when he was asking about what to do, I wasn’t thinking about what he was talking about at the moment.

He started he was sorry, he should of done more and got something and things.

I told him that wasn’t what I was saying. He tried to do something but that I just messed up. He said he was sorry again he should of did more. He said if he was meant to have another baby he would of had one by now. He would of had one with his ex because she had her iud taken out.

He really thinks it can’t happen. He can’t have any more kids because in the 8 or so years they were together they didn’t. I keep telling him maybe because of how she was and how things were. I don’t know why people think like this.

I told him everything being a mess and not tracking and things for so long that it was going to take a few months or so before it will be usable. He said yeah he knew and things. It wasn’t a big deal or what. He said he was going to have to get the bag of goodies and put in the night stand ūüėĄ.

I have to say it wasn’t what I expected. I don’t know what I expected but not him to be do it’s okay or not a big deal. I know, he knows, I didn’t do it on purpose or anything like that. Sadly I guess I am just so use to fighting over everything and being told how it’s my fault or what. I hope not but if ut is then it is. We will do what we have to do.

 



{January 27, 2019}   Re: Not Sure What To Think

I talked to my friend this morning. He said he had a lot going on this week he was moving and things. He moved from his place because they wanted way more than it was worth and was upping the rent. He went to stay with someone he knew but it was about 40 miles or so from work and it really was just a room. He couldn’t have people over or do anything. He spent most the evening driving around just to not be there after work. He couldn’t even have someone over just to watch tv, cookout nothing like that.

He said he moved in with his brother. Its a lot closer to work he has use of the house as if it was his. He seemed a lot happier. He asked if I could come over. I told him maybe this week i could get away and over for a bit.

He still didn’t say anything about the other but I think like me he knew I wasn’t and that if I thought I was or maybe that I wouldn’t of just put it out there like that. That he will probably say something about it when we get together again. It don’t bother me after thinking about it more because I think if he really thought I was or I put it to him like I thought I was and not the way I did he would of responded different.



{January 26, 2019}   Not Sure What To Think

I have not heard from my friend since the night we talked and I wrote  Time to Break It Off. I do not know how I feel about that or how I should feel about it.

I messaged him Wednesday night when we were out he never responded. I don’t think he seen it until the next morning but he still never responded.

Someone you have been with and are with often and was with not that long ago says something about maybe being pregnant or that someone said maybe they are you would think you would be wanting to know or have something to say about it more than he did. Or wanting to know if by chance you were if it was his or if there was a chance of it being someone else.

Maybe because I wasn’t worried about it and didn’t think I was and he didn’t either. But I am still surprised I haven’t heard from him. I figured he would get a hold of me the next night because he was really wanting to go out the night before. If we can’t get together that night we try to the next night or with in a few days. He said he didn’t have his little girl so he had a free weekend. I can’t figure out why he isn’t saying anything. Maybe he is worried. But I don’t think so takes a lot to get to him. But he is getting things straight and bettering things for himself and said he didn’t want more now maybe he really don’t it isn’t a good time and he is freaking out ha ha. Who knows. I may say something to him tonight see if he responds. Maybe he found a girlfriend or maybe like me never thought I was so didn’t feel the need to bring it up again and he has just been busy.



{March 23, 2017}   Pregnancy, Labor, Delivery

I am so aggravated right now, my niece is in the hospital being forced into labor and everyone is talking about epidurals and the baby being to stubborn because she won’t get out. I just want to scream shut the fuck up educate her and support her not set her up for failure.

She isn’t even 21 yet and this is her first baby, so there is a lot she don’t understand or know and baby is a week late. I understand that I was there with my first as well. She wasn’t late but she waited right up until the last minute to decide to come. she came two days before her due date, it was a horrible labor and delivery because there was no one not even my midwife around for support and to answer even simple basic questions I had. I was almost an “emergency” c section because of it all and my midwife was the one who started my ball rolling that way. Since then I have had two great births and one I only remember parts of. My first and the one I only remember parts of are why my last two were so much better. I decided to educate myself since I felt all the information I was getting was not in the best interest of myself or baby and coming from uneducated people. They aren’t stupid they are just followers and the easiest way kind of people. The doctor said it so it must be true and safe kind of people. I am not that way at all just because the doctor said it don’t mean it is true and even if it is true it don’t mean they are giving you ALL the information they could be.

Example someone getting their gallbladder out, ask the doctor is it safe or the risk? They laugh oh gallbladders we take them out all the time. Do they tell you this many people have these side effects from it sometimes for life? Or that you run a higher risk for liver problems no. Just that it is safe and they do 100’s of them. Sure the surgery might be safe but what are the after effects? What are the worse case? How often do they happen?

Back to the pregnant mamma who is ready to have her baby, they tell her if you go over 40 weeks we will run test and set you up to be induced. Don’t worry we induce all the time baby will be here with in no time. They don’t say if we induce you, your risk of c section goes way up. They do not tell them that labor once it starts from being induced is harder and stronger than going natural upping the chances of getting an epidural and raising your risk of c section even higher. They don’t say that the epidural can slow labor down and cause a need for a catheter¬†that can cause infection. They tell you if your cervix is not ready they will start with cervidil to soften it and that should get things going and most think this is going to magically bring on labor. They tell you then they will give you potocin if it don’t or to help things along once it has done what it should or if it don’t. This is where your chances for c section really jump and things start on their downhill roll. Because once the contractions start you are doubled over in pain almost from the start. They do not come on weak and get stronger as time goes, they come on strong and hard and just keep building. Everyone does like they are doing my niece right now oh it will all be worth it and just hang in there as soon as you get to 4 you can have your epidural you won’t feel anything then.

My niece has been complaining about baby not coming and things for the last couple of weeks as any of us who have kids did lets face it the last few weeks are miserable, you can’t sleep, you can’t hardly walk, your hot all the time, you feel like your as big as a house and you just want to meet your baby. It’s understandable trust me I know, carried 4 babies through the summer working and being mom all along or ended up on bed rest only to try and do for the other kids and not risk the baby. Pregnancy is hard labor and delivery is the easy part if you let your body do what it was maid to do and not rush it.

My niece was all excited last week they had a date set to be induced their baby was going to be here. I told her not to do it, get the test if everything was fine give her body and the baby more time. I told her that being induced was a last resort and horrible way to go about labor and delivery if there was no medical reason for it. I got told to leave her alone and stop scaring her by other family. Her friends all told her how it was no big deal they were induced for this reason or that. Some just because it fit their timing better.

Well she went in at 4 yesterday and they gave her the cervidil and this morning they started her on potosin. Around 11 I think she said she was just at 1 cm and in a lot of pain. Again everyone chimed in don’t worry you will be at 4 in no time and have your epidural. Then they were asking if her water had broke. She said no not yet, they were telling her if they broke her water it should help get things moving as well. But no one bothers to tell you that once they do that you are on a time frame to progress and have baby or get a c section. I think they told me that if you haven’t had the baby with in 12 hours they start wanting to do one.

I am just so mad that everyone sits back and tells her all this stuff and makes it seem like no big deal and tells you to stop scaring her when you try to tell her the truth and help her made a truly informed decision for herself and the baby. I’m not just talking out my ass or going by doctor google or something I am a trained duala. People will pay me to be at their births and give them information like this. I would have gotten a sitter and went to be with her if she had wanted me to, I could show her ways to deal with the pain and help with it, positions to try to help things along with breastfeeding and things after if she wanted it. But she listen to everyone else tell her oh it is fine just get induced.

Do they not know that our country is ranked one of the highest for infant deaths at birth? And one of the highest c section rates? We did not get to be the highest or one of the highest in the world because all the interventions they use are 100% safe and should be used like candy to shut a crying kid up because you don’t want to deal with them. It is this way because our country can’t wait for anything anymore they want everything right now. It is to much to wait for a baby to finish growing and developing we have to induce and make it come right now. Everything has to go right by the book every one has to be cookie cutter if not then something is wrong we must make it match. If there is no medical reason, all test are showing fine that women can not go to 41, or 42¬†weeks. Hell my moms friend said back in the 80’s her son was a month late before he finally came. Guess what he had no problems he was healthy. I had another friend they told his wife she was measuring to big she had to be farther along than she thought there was no way she was only x weeks. They induced her, guess what? The baby is blind, the baby had a feeding tube for a long time, the baby had other problems and is very delayed. Because she was just measuring big she was not farther along.

Also did you know that their ultrasound test are only guesses at how big baby is? Everyone gets the ultrasound and they tell them baby is this or that big. It is a guess, I was told they can be off by as much as 2 lbs either way. But they can be even farther off than that. They kept telling they hoped my son would get to 5lbs a week later I had him he was well over 7. They just told me he wasn’t even 5 yet. My last one they told me my baby would probably be 4 lbs no way she would be over she was measuring to small. She was 6 even.

I wish people would educate their self one things and not tell others oh your going to scare someone or don’t tell them that when they know what they are talking about. If you are having a kid then you should be able to handle being told the truth about labor delivery and being induced. You shouldn’t need it sugar coated and your shouldn’t want it sugar coated and walk in and end up blindsided by it all as the snowball rolls down the hill.

People do not follow your doctor blindly just because they say this or that does not mean they have your best interest in mind when they are telling you. Should they? Yes, Do they? Not always, they have that date with their wife tonight, or that thing at their kids school they need to get to or any other number of things. Really build a re pore with your doctor, research and check things they tell you out to see¬†if it is in your best interest or just what works best for them. When it comes to labor and delivery a midwife is not always better, or just because she is a midwife and supposed to be so for supporting mom and best interest of mom and baby and all that does not mean she really is and really does what is in mom or baby’s best interest and not what is in hers.

If your doctor or midwife comes in and tells you your leaking fluid we have to induce because you have to have baby with in so long after your water breaks, they are lying, one there is a difference in leaking and water breaking. Your water can leak for a while before full labor starts, your body is always making more water as well so it won’t magically run out of water in a short time. Even if your water breaks as long as everyone keeps their hands out of there you are safe for a lot longer than they tell you and again your body is always making new water. I can contest to this first hand. My 3 rd baby water broke at 730 in the morning, I did not have him until 9 something that night, I still had water running down my leg every time I got up to walk around or go to the bathroom. Some women’s water will break or start leaking really early they will put them on strict bed rest some for weeks to try to keep them from going into labor because it is to early. If baby had to come out with in so many hours of water leaking or breaking they would’t be able to do that. If it is broke because it is time to have baby then baby is on it’s way out it just takes a little time sometimes not everyone has the baby with in 12 hours and others have them with in hours, again the cookie cutter we are all supposed to fit into.

This is what my midwife told me when I got to the hospital a few hours after my water started leaking. I had to have the baby with in x time because it was leaking. It didn’t sound right to me but I was young it was my first baby and I had no one else to ask or talk to about it. I was there so I let them do what they needed to do. Even though it wasn’t what I wanted or wanted to do at all. I wasn’t even 4 cm so they could have sent me home and told me to come back when my contractions had started better and closer together, because I wasn’t really having them at all a that point. Most hospitals will not keep you they send you home and tell you your not in labor until your at a 4 around here. So again I thought it was odd she was keeping me and going to induce me. I later figured out that I think she kept me and induced me because it was around 9 or 10 when I got there and she had to be called to the hospital. I think she thought if she induced me with my water already leaking I would probably go into labor and have her in just a little bit and she could then go home for the night. If she just sent me home and told me to come back when contractions were this or that then I could of ended up back in there in an hour or two, some time in the middle of the night or maybe not even until the next day. I think she didn’t want to risk having to come back out in the middle of the night if she sent me home. Again if she induced me then baby should be here by midnight and she be home for the night. But that isn’t what happen it didn’t work and baby didn’t come until the next day. I had a horrible labor all kinds of questions and she laid somewhere and slept for the night in the hospital and never once would come to my room to check on me and answer my questions. Hearing other stories of the way she did people I believe this is why she done me that way.

When I went into labor a year and half later with my 2nd baby my water just started leaking. I went to hospital because of blood and I was high risk so I was told to get there at any sign of blood. I got there around 10 the doctor got out of her c section she was doing and talked to me about 11. She said it was okay the blood wasn’t anything to worry about and not from me being high risk. She then said she was going home she would check in on me in the morning before she went into the office or if she got called back in the night. That if I needed anything they would take care of me or call her if I needed her. I said but my water is leaking don’t you have to induce so that I have the baby by x amount of time? She said nope it hasn’t broke it is only leaking baby is fine there is no need to induce your body knows what to do and will do what it needs to do. I have delivered 8 babies 2 of them c sections I am going home for the night because you are fine. You need to get some rest before labor hits you so you can be ready too. She said if I induce you now it is just going to put you on that time table your talking about and we don’t want to do that. If you haven’t had him in the morning and you want to talk about it then we can talk about inducing but I don’t think you should then either if he is fine. So same thing as with my first water was leaking but the doctor didn’t want to do anything and let my body to what it is supposed to do but my midwife with my first couldn’t get the iv in my arm fast enough and hook up the induction fast enough and then had them up it every 30 minutes to try and force it to start. That doctor dilvered 3 of my 4 kids I never looked for a midwife or another doctor after my experience with her through out my pregnancy, labor and delivery. I say I want this or that and she say that is fine or we can do it this way but not that way is that okay I said how I wanted my labor and delivery went as long as there was nothing medically that had to be done. Even during my pregnancy a lot of doctors say you have to get all these test and things I only got the ones that I wanted to get. I would ask her what it was for, what the risk to the baby were, I ask her ok so it shows this or that but how right is it? What are the chances of it being this or that for real or what are the chances of it being wrong and nothing is wrong? What are the chances of it saying everything is fine and turns out something is wrong? She would tell me and say but if it say something is then we have this or that test to look at things more. I say so what are the odds of it being right and wrong? If I didn’t feel they were good enough odds or that is really was a shot in the dark either way then I say no I don’t think I want that she said ok I didn’t think you would but we have to offer it. She is the only doctor that I can truly say if I was not able to ask a lot of questions and things and just needed to decide what way to go and what to do I feel I could trust her to give me the best advice and not tell me something she wouldn’t do if it was herself. I wish she was a regular doctor and I could see her for everything.

I didn’t get back to finish this earlier so here I am in the middle of the night as it is most times. Well I hadn’t looked in a while but the last time I had looked they said around 5 that she had until 7 to get to 6 cm from the 4 she was at. But no one ever answered. I looked a few hours ago and she still hadn’t had her and they said they had broke her water earlier this morning sometime. I am guessing that is why the doctor told her she needed to be progressed to a 6 or more by that time. If she hadn’t gotten to a 6 they were probably going to tell her she was “failing” to progress and needed to start talking about and planing ¬†c section. But she had so she was still okay for the time being.

I hate the way they do women and especially the younger girls who go in to have babies who really don’t know anything and don’t think or know to ask or what to ask or think about. I think all new moms to be should take the duala training class. It is a weekend class two or three days so less than most child birth classes and they would learn 100 x’s more information than any childbirth class and it would probably lower our infant death rate at the time of birth and the c section rate and the induction rates. Yes people make a lot of money being a doula but I am all for it being a class insurance covers and all new moms to be getting the training for their own information. Because it is very good and very helpful information.

Well I was just told we have a baby born at 1145 pm, she was 6 lbs 9 oz. She was a few oz bigger than my oldest but looks a lot fatter than my oldest was. My oldest was long I bet she isn’t as long as my niece and her boyfriend are not that tall. Father of the year is 6’3 all three of my kids were over 19 inches close to 20 but my last. She was my Little Bitty but her daddy is only a few inches taller than me. ¬†I am just glad she is here and everything didn’t lead to a c section. She says she is never having anymore kids.



{February 20, 2017}   Tubes Tied

You all may remember that I decided to do something about birth-control back in December. I didn’t end up going because the kids were out for Winter break when it was. I decided after Wednesday I need to get on the ball and do something about it. I’m not going to live in a bubble for the rest of my life I am going to meet someone and start dating to some extent or have a relationship whatever¬†that may turn out looking like. I am going to need to be doing something for it. If I wait until I “need” it to go and take care of it then there will be the need to use other forms until I can get it taken care of, opening the chance of getting pregnant again. As you all know I do not want to have anymore children of my own at all. Not now, not tomorrow, not ten years from now. I felt the same way 4 years ago after having my daughter and while I was pregnant with her. I already knew she would be the last one I would be having and I was okay with that. I am still okay with it.

I was going to go get on some form of birth control, I was looking at the ring or maybe the patch again if they still offer it. I have never tried the ring but it seems simple enough. The patch wasn’t bad that I can remember other than the black square from the sticky that holds it on and the fact it don’t stay on good for the week. Other than that I do not remember them causing me any problems. The more I have thought about it the more I hate the idea of taking any of that stuff and worry about how well it will work. I got pregnant on the pill taking it at the same time every evening and making sure I took it and dint’ miss any. Wednesday I was not happy about what I found in the stores to use and the thought of using any of them freaks me out because I don’t feel they will work. I know most do, to an extent and I have used them and didn’t get pregnant, I still can’t get past the idea that is all I have to trust. Before I wasn’t to worried about what we used because if it worked it worked great if it didn’t then okay that was fine too. But I wanted kids and more kids back then unlike now. Now I know I am 100% sure I do not want anymore kids.

I called Friday¬†to see about getting an appointment, she said the computer was down but she was going to give my name and number to someone else that could help me. They are supposed to call me back. If I do not hear from them today I am going to call them in the morning. I hate the idea of having it done but worry more about getting pregnant again than the risk or compilations at this point. All you can do is look at the options, pro’s, con’s, risk and decide.¬†I have looked at all the options I feel that with them I would always worry that they didn’t work or what if they didn’t work. I don’t want that stress and worry. I may stress or worry about having the surgery done to tie my tubes but it will be short term, once it is done I will not be stressed or worried about it.

For now I am okay with my decision and not really stressed or worried about it. I hope that I will still feel this way as I get things set up and it gets closer to time to get it. However I feel I have to go through with it so that I feel better in the long run.



{June 11, 2014}   Robbed

IMG_22124183685173

I’ve posted this poem I wrote not to long ago. I shared it with a group of ladies and they felt it needed to be shared and said it needed a background. A meme of sorts I guess you would call it. Heck I don’t know, all I know is I had never done anything like that before. I never really had time to sit down and mess with it till now. Still no clue what I’m doing made this with a picture I took a few years back at the river usen the paint program. So picture and poem were both done by me.



et cetera
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