{September 16, 2020}   Screwed Up Big Time

I can not believe how badly I have screwed up and now have to tell JW as well. As you all know I stopped taking my birth control a few weeks ago after ending up in the hospital. I told JW at the tome what I found when I started researching it and the side effects. I found I had some of the more sever and uncommon ones. He agreed I shouldn’t take it anymore and we would figure something else out as he put it.

I didn’t forget I stopped taking it or what. I just wasn’t thinking about it. Twice lately he has told me he was about to cum said where or something like that. I just said okay or what. He always tells me sometimes I tell him not yet or something. So I didn’t think anything of it. I did the way he said it but for a split second and figured I miss understood what he said or he miss spoke. After that split second I forgot about it.

Last night was one of those nights. He finished before I was expecting him to. He asked what was wrong I told him he was just like oh sorry that was that. I wasn’t happy the way he acted.

I got up for a while after that, then tossed and turned all night. I just didn’t feel good. I was thinking about it this morning on the way to work. I went put my lunch up and was going back to my desk. What he said hit me and what he meant hit me like a ton of bricks. That made me feel even sicker. My stomach was already in knots. I was distracted all day and messed up at work and everything else thinking about it all. I just wanted to come home be with him sit down and talk. I did not want to be at work today. Had I not missed so much already I probably would of left.

He was asking me if he should pull out or not when he said he was going to cum and where he should. Since I stopped taking the pill. At the moment I wasn’t thinking of that. I had told him we had to be really careful because a lot of people get pregnant right away when they stop taking them and things. Here I messed up.

I don’t know if he thinks I am tracking monthly or what. Because that is what I was doing when we got together and have used for years now. I have started back but you have to track for a few months or so for it to get all the information and be right. Because I had not had my monthly but once why I was on the pills and being on them changes it all anyway since you can start it when you want. I haven’t been trying to track it myself because it is all messed up. I had one last month was about 7 or 8 days long and pretty bad. Then nothing for 12 days because I started the new week of pills. But then stopped them all together it started again for 4 days. It is going to take time to get back on a normal cycle again.

I can’t believe I wasn’t thinking about what he meant when he said it and told him oh it’s fine. One night I had gotten triggered and just wanted to be done. So he said he was ready i was like go ahead. Last night it just happen i was like your fine. I don’t know how he is going to react. But he can’t get to mad right. I mean he hasn’t asked if or what I am doing to keep anything from happening. Or question how do you know it’s okay. He was just going to pull out and that is no where near a sure thing. I hope everything is fine this is the last thing I need right now.

{November 12, 2019}   Pregnant Again

This was last Thursday, I have just been busy and not able to finish it until now. So here you go.

Last night was a long night ended up at the Er. at like 3a.m only to have nothing done and sent home. Complete waste of time. If I had known I wouldn’t of even went.

My sister called me and said she done something to her foot and was in tears from the pain. I could tell when she answered she was crying or had been. We talked for a bit and she hung up. She was waiting for her husband to get home.

About the time I crawled into bed and got comfortable she called and asked me to take her. Her husband don’t get off until late like me and then had to get home because she couldn’t get him. He only works a couple blocks so he could walk. She didnt seem like she was going to go when I talked to her.

I go get her and take her all the way over there. I pulled up to the front to get her a wheelchair because she can’t walk on it step down on it. I go to get out and she says I have to tell you something your going to find out in here anyway.

I’m looking at her like what? What is there to tell then I am thinking she is sick something is wrong maybe this is why her foot did this just sitting on the bed or what. She says I’m pregnant but no one knows yet. I was like oh okay. Still not thinking.

We went in they took her right back and the doctor came right in. He said they would call and get an x ray on it and go from there to make sure something wasn’t broke or fractured. She refused because she is pregnant. The doctor got rude and kind of nasty. We were in and out in less than an hour.

Had it been me I would of done it. It was just her foot and they put the led over you. I had one done of my foot and ankle when I was 8 months pregnant with my first because I fell down the stairs.

Then when I was about 24 weeks with my last I had to have a CT scan with the dye they put in the IV. They felt it was more of a risk to me not to do it than to the baby.

If I had known she was pregnant before I picked her up I would of told her they were not going to do anything and not wasted the two\two and half hours.



{August 16, 2019}   At What Point Do You Trust The

I can’t have kids statement from a guy? I been talking to bff and she met this guy at work (big no no) she has been hanging out with. The other night she stayed at his house. I said she was going to end up pregnant. Was laughing and joking around. She does with me all the time because of my friend and because I did with RC.

She said nope he can’t have kids. I busted up laughing and said you didn’t or don’t believe him do you? She said yeah he said he can’t he….

I stopped her and said yeah you know how many guys say that or how many thought they couldn’t and have kids now? This is the 34 year old she been talking to. I said his ex’s have probably been on birth control. No no he says because of abuse when he was younger he can’t.

I don’t buy it. I am not saying it couldn’t be true. But I feel it is unlikely. That he is just telling her this. Just like they like to say oh this once it won’t happen it will be okay. Or I won’t finish blah blah bullshit. Come on we know how these guys are and when they are younger for sure. He is young maybe he wants kids, maybe he just isn’t worried about if it happens, or it hasn’t yet so he thinks he can’t. There is no way I would trust that at all. But she is and believes it.

I was thinking about it, how do you decide if they are telling the truth or not? How long before you trust them enough that you believe them? Do you want proof from a doctor first? Do you just never trust it or believe it? Unless you just don’t care if you get pregnant? If you don’t believe them how is that going to work if or when the time comes you want to be with them? They aren’t going to want to use anything. Do you get on birth control and not tell them? Refuse to do anything unless you all use something?

I just do not know if I would ever be able to trust someone who said that even if I was with them long term. Unless I knew test were done and heard it from the doctor myself.

I just know for me I am done 100% done and I would be so scared to risk it. I would always be worried about what if. I know it could happen even using something. But I am most the time really careful then too. I track my cycles so I know when I am at risk and how high, I use protection sometimes two forms. They still pullout. Honestly there have been a few times lately I have taken a risk. But to me if something happen it would be my fault because I didn’t do all I should or could of. Where if I just blindly believe a guy who says he can’t have kids and end up pregnant that opens a lot of problems other than just getting pregnant.

What if a girl tells a guy she can’t get pregnant? Should he believe her? How long should or would one wait before they did? Or should they ever or should they want proof?

Because lets face it girls have said it just as much and probably more than guys and a lot of them have done it to trap guys and they did because the guys believed her.

So would your answer be different if it was a women telling a guy she couldn’t get pregnant for whatever reason vs. if it was a guy telling a girl he couldn’t get her pregnant? Why or why not?

I hope you all give your opinion on this because it is something that you hear a lot both ways. I think it will be interesting to see everyones thoughts and the guys vs. girls on this.

{January 19, 2019}   Time to Break It Off

I am thinking it is time to tell my “friend” that we need to stop doing what we have been doing all this time. I feel like I am giving him false hope or leading him on. I feel he is really thinking or waiting for this to go further or turn into something it isn’t going to.

We went out a few weeks ago for a little bit he was telling me how he likes when we get together and spending time with me.

Last night he messaged me ask what I was doing? I was on the phone with BFF sitting in the truck at the store waiting for oldest to get out of the store. I just said waiting for her to get out of the store. I didn’t say what store or nothing like that.

I didn’t get a reply in a second I look up he is pulled up beside me. He got out came over and stood there talking to me. He said I was driving around and stopped to message you back. I looked up and there was your truck. Oldest came out almost right away. She had been in there forever. We talked a few he ask what I was going to do? I said go get my charger from bff and go home I been feeling sick for two days. He was wanting to go out. He said he could drive me over to Bff’s house. I told him no it was okay. I finally told him to call me in 15 or 20 minutes. He said okay. We all left. Me oldest went to bff’s and then home. It was a bit before he got a hold of me.

He is driving and everything now he could of been out meeting someone or trying to meet someone or something. Instead he is hitting me up wanting to go out. I really am not interested in more. I just don’t know. Maybe after last night when he did message me back.

I told him I really didn’t feel good I wasn’t going out.

He said he would make me feel better. I told him I couldn’t I had to be at work this morning.

I told him……I really haven’t felt good for days. Bff keeps saying I’m pregnant. Told her she lost her mind.

I don’t think I am but she keeps saying it joking around. I just said it to see what he would say.

First he just sent lol…..I didn’t say anything for a bit, trying to decide what to say. He then said……And wouldnt that be some crazy shit ūüėŹ

I said it would be something alright.

He said he don’t see it I probably have that stomach bug going around.

I said I don’t either guess I would know soon enough. Then said I told Bff I would drop it off on her door step since she likes to collect kids.

He just laughed. I said I am to old to be starting over. He has not said another word.

At one point me not wanting another kid was one reason he didn’t want to get together. Then when we were talking in June he said he didn’t want more. He said it again at some other point before or after that about not wanting more too. So I don’t know where he stands or how he really feels about all that at this point. I really don’t think I am or I would of never said it. I think I am fighting whatever it is going around.


{August 28, 2018}   I Pushed Him Away

A memory from 6 years ago popped up on my page a few minutes ago. I said something about all the changes about to happen, looking for a job and new house. I am pretty sure this was when I Foundout I was pregnant with Little Bitty.

I looked through the comments and RC and me had commented back and forth and some others said stuff. But one of his comments was you act like your a lone in this. I am here to with you or something like that. Just saying he going through it to we need to be together i wasn’t a lone. I told him i knew he was i was sorry he felt alone or that way or what. That i wasn’t tryi n g to make things harder on him. He said he was there maybe one day I would see that he loved me.

I cried reading it. Because it just hit me that he was trying and I just pushed him away. I know at the time i felt so overwhelmed, depressed and like I couldn’t function. I felt a lone i really did. I felt like he was against me too and mad at me. I guess to a point he probably was because i shut down wasn’t talking. He tried and tried to get me to i say i was fine or we already talked about it. I didnt want to keep talking about the same old same make him feel bad things had not changed yet or i felt it was or he wasn’t doing enough or what. But i also didn’t check in with him to really see how he was feeling or thought or needed. I wasn’t close with him like we had been. I just sat alone left him to deal on his own.

It is no wonder he did what he did. He felt he wasn’t wanted or good enough probably. Just what I was trying to keep him from feeling. It was shortly after that he found his little girl and everything came crashing in. I was pushing him away she was there for him to turn into.

I am not saying it was right or that he is blameless. He did somethings too but now I see why. It was just the perfect storm at the wrong time. I have always said it was my fault too. But its never really hit me what I really done. I knew I done things but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. But i didn’t know i done that the way I did.

Last night my mom wanted to take a ride to his job and see if he was still there and talk to him. We got there about 930/945 because we didn’t know if he would be working a 8 or 10 hour night. He would be off by 10 if it was only 8. She wanted to go today but we weren’t sure if he was working because if they work 10 hours days he wouldn’t work again until Monday evening but working 8 hour nights he work Friday and Saturday too. We went ahead and went last night to see. We got there there his truck was sitting there. I thought it was odd windows were cracked. I pulled up behind it so he could’t pull out. We got out there was a guy with tools putting them in a truck we asked if he was there he took us right inside here he was coming down the hall pushing his little cart. As soon as he seen us she started freaking out what are you doing here get out leave you have to leave. I was telling him I needed the money he owed me and that the lights were going to go off this morning if I didn’t pay them. He got right on the phone and ran the other way and hid. He called the police. We were trying to see where he went because she wanted to ask him if he had all he wanted from her house so she could throw it all away. The other guy was back inside he started saying we had to leave. She asked him to ask him let us know we were leaving. As we were leaving we ran into him in the hall we asked him he was yelling at us leave just leave she asked him again he said yes he had all his stuff out of there and that he didn’t want anything else. I was telling him the kids were asking for him they were in the truck and wanted to see him. He said he didn’t care just to leave. We went out she got in the truck they were telling me to look in his truck I said nothing in there. The kids were saying no something or someone was in there. I couldn’t hear them the windows were up. I finally walked over and looked in the driver door because I was right there on that side. Sure as shit she is laying up in his truck sleeping. Well acting like it the kids said soon as we walked inside she started looking for something they think she picked up the phone. I think he must have called her before he called the police to see if she was out there or knew we were there. I was beating on the window telling her to get out she wouldn’t she just lay there looking at me. He was at the door of the school holding the door so it couldn’t be opened with him inside watching me beating on the window of his truck telling her to get out. He didn’t bother to come out side and try to tell me to leave her alone or get away from his truck nothing. I finally just left as I was pulling away the police had pulled up and was getting out. They stopped me and ask what was going on I told her I just came there to try to talk to him when he got off work let him know what was going on that he started yelling and screaming at me as soon as he seen us and called them we had done nothing. They took my id and everything came back said not to come back there or go looking for him I was going to be the one to end up in trouble not him blah blah. I said that is fine I don’t plan to, thought maybe we could talk like adults and he would at least say something to his kids that are sitting in the truck 2 feet from him calling him wanting to know why he won’t call or come over like he told them he would. But I guess it just shows everyone and them what kind of person he really is and that he really don’t care about anyone but him self. She said because it was domestic there would be a report made that if I needed it I could come down and pick it up.
Who know what all he said in it and how many lies he told them because he was talking to them a long time, a lot longer than they talked to us before and after we were done talking to them. He was still standing there with them when we left talking to them. The officer said no one was in trouble no one had said any one done anything to anyone or anything like that so I am not worried about it. They have my name and address and everything if they need me they can come talk to me. Because the guy that works with him was there and the kids everyone knows no one did anything to anyone. If he wants to try that crap.

I talked to her ex again and said she was asking him about me again. She asked if he told me he had my keys? He told her yes I was getting them this weekend. She said oh no bullshit there or something like that. He said what between me and her no we are straight why would there be? He said he told him then she thought they were straight too. He said me and you no we are far from straight or ever being straight I just trying to be an adult about everything get your stuff out of my house so I don’t have to deal with or talk to you ever again you have burnt this bridge to many times basically is what he told her. They have known each other since they were 14 he has always helped her out he has been her safe place to run all her life when shit hits the fan with whatever guy of the night/week she is with when it don’t work. He told her he is done not just because of how she went about leaving but the fact of what she done to the kids and the jam she left us in. He loves me kids he always has, we had made plans to all get together they were going to come over him the kids were going to cook dinner for me and Wanda and all of us watch a move. My kids like him as well and they had been talking about cooking and different things. They decided to get together and do that, he has never had kids of his own and his siblings and their kids live out of state and grown or whatever. But this is how close we all were, he came over before when she was watching the kids to hangout watch tv with them and do whatever. He is the one when I was joking with Wanda before about having my kids if something happen my Big Guy said so he will be our new daddy? When we said you have a daddy he said oh yeah I forgot. So the way him and her are doing the kids now after being so close her saying they are like family and things he is done.

He even said today if you jerked her out of the car and stomped her ass last night I wouldn’t blame you I want to watch or see a video because it is about time she got what she has coming. He said but don’t go do something like that again and take them. He said he has that report now and shows you brought the kids and that isn’t good for you if he goes to court. I said I know but I didn’t expect that to happen. I really just figured he see the kids talk to them tell me go to hell he wasn’t giving me anything and we would go on. I said I figured I try that slim chance he may be a man and say okay I will call pay the lights in the morning when my check goes in. But he was a scared whipped puppy and yelled and called the police. He said I just don’t want to see him use it against you and you lose the kids. He said I could careless what you do to either one of them and you have every right too after what they have done. But the kids do not need to be with them and will not be happy with them. He told them he still like together and cook and watch a movie maybe one night he would come over give me a break let me go out for a little bit they could make dinner and watch a movie.

My other friend that I use to talk to and hang out with all the time came home why I was there and she walked over and was talking to us. She was talking about how she got a hold of her and wanted her to be okay with it and things. She said she told her no it wasn’t right this was very wrong and what she did was not forgive-able that you do not do that kind of thing. She said she had tried to get a hold of another friend of theirs as well the other night why father of the year was at work and he wasn’t talking to her either. I don’t know about him if he is or not but they figure she is just trying to make peace with someone so that she has somewhere to go and this time she has burnt her bridges. She told her but how was she supposed to ignore her feelings? He was her soul mate, they were meant for each other. She said I have seen how he is I have seen how he did her, I have seen the abuse first hand, I have seen how unstable he really is, said she told her but she was different, he wouldn’t do that to her, it wasn’t like that with her he wouldn’t ever treat her that way. She said okay it is always different with the next one until he snaps on them, it is always going to be different, he has always changed when the new one comes along. That is what ever abuser says, they say it was her fault she did this and that to cause it too but you are going to see and he just may hurt you. She said something about the kids and Wanda told her oh the kids loved her they were like family they like her and they wouldn’t be a problem. She said yeah that was before you and him ran off and did all this shit and done them and their mom the way you are leaving them to fight and struggle. She said her kids are not stupid kids, they are very smart and understand way more than you think and they are not going to be like family and like you after all this. Said she said oh your taking her side after all she said about you and said she was going to do? She said yes I am because regardless of anything else wrong is wrong and what you did is wrong, it’s very wrong and I am seeing now that a lot of it was just lies from you. She said her problem is she is sick no one ever puts her in her places calls her out or whatever they all try to help her protect her or what over look the crap she does. She said I had a lot then just was done with her and then this happen and I am seeing and finding out a lot that was lies.

She also told me that she has messages saying that she told her she was just using me to get food and the things she needed, that she wasn’t really friends with me and things. She said then you were here all the time going places doing things every time I seen you two together you were always laughing and things. She said now she did you this way and you aren’t forgiving her, you aren’t over looking it, you are standing up to her and now others are too and she has no where to turn and she is scared. I said well you know I am not going to back down I don’t care who it is I will stand up to them with no problem or thought of ever backing down. She said lord I know that you wanted to go beat on RC’s door at 9 at night when you were pregnant¬†and I wouldn’t let you. I said yes I did I would have too if you had stopped the car. I said I don’t care I would have done it, she said I know she has met her match I feel sorry for her because she is on her own with this and what she done because it was so wrong.

{April 17, 2017}   Got Through Another Easter

My mom wanted to go out to eat today instead of anyone cooking and having it at their house. My grandma use to have all the holidays at her house and all the family that lived here came. When she stopped doing it my mom would have it at her house and mostly just us my sister, brother and my family. Sometimes my grandparents would come. When I bought my house we had some there until me and my brother got into it and I said I did not want him and his family at my house anymore. We went back to having them at my moms house and the last 3 or 4 years now my sisters. The last few she has wanted to go out because no one’s house or set up is good enough. I wanted to go grill out at the park today and be done. But burgers and hot dogs were not suitable for Easter. Like last Holiday I just told her I didn’t have it and she said Father of the Year could pay for it, whatever fine I don’t have to deal with it and the kids are just as happy either way. We do our own holiday together that day sometime before we all get together or after if we are not going to have time we do it the day before. We do not do it for all holidays just some depending on how we feel about the holiday coming up. Like Thanksgiving I have almost always done the night before with just my family at home. We don’t cook a huge meal but a nice meal and eat together. It started when me and farther of the year was together for our first Thanksgiving, I had to work that day and he was going to his parents since i wasn’t going to be home. We decided to do ours together the night before. It wasn’t done every year we skipped it a few times over the years it was mostly just Thanksgiving. But since my mom has gotten the way she is about everything and me and father of the year getting a divorce and everyone not getting a long as well I have started doing it more with my kids. I want us to have a meal we enjoy together without all the loudness of everyone else, the do this do that, don’t do this, don’t do that of everyone and just because. Just like birthdays, they take cupcakes to school for the class and that night at home we have whatever they want for dinner and a cake, I give them their gift from me and the kids. Then if we get together with family the other three kids give them the gifts the y bought for them and they get whatever whoever comes brings. But it is a nice time to just spend us together having fun as a family enjoying their day or our holiday how we want. Then if the holiday or whatever gets messed up because someone does something or plans get changed or whatever other reasons we still had a good holiday because we already done ours. Maybe it is wrong but I don’t care, it seems it has brought me and the kids closer since we started doing things this way as well.

Anyway today we went down to where we had my oldest daughters birthday dinner a few weeks ago, the one my mom didn’t come to because it was so far and the traffic. Nothing would do her today until we went down there. I felt it was way to much money to spend and just didn’t want to deal with the crowd that was going to be there but said I don’t care. I just wanted to get it over with. We got there a few minutes before they did, so we walked up to the front and was waiting. They pulled in and parked close so we walked out to the truck. My mom was out and headed across the parking lot toward us. The kids ran gave her hugs and was saying hi and everything. I walk up and she looks at me pulls at my shirt and says what is this? Oh my God look at you, you look pregnant! Is that a meternity top or is that just the way it’s made? I said no it’s not, she said oh you look so big in it and goes on. I wanted to just get in my truck and go home but here I am about 30 miles from home and the kids are excited to see my sister and her family and my mother, they want to go to the park with them and do egg hunt and gifts for the girls birthdays that just passed. They don’t have room if I leave them all and go home. I felt I looked nice, even though I didn’t have the money to I took the kids and let them all pick out a new shirt or dress for today and decided I would splurge and buy myself a new shirt since I only have one or two nicer shirts that I like and fit nice. We just got new shorts/pants a while back I let all the kids get a few pair. Shirts they pick up all the time because we find them on sale for $5 or less so I grab them some if they find some they like and they have them in their size and I have extra money. I find it saves me from spending a huge chunk of money at one time taking them all shopping and buying them new clothes every so often, they end up getting more too. Because when we find the shirts most times only one or two find ones they like in their size and I am spending half the price as I normally would so I am getting two to 3 shirts for what I would have spent on one and only buying a few for one maybe two kids. Since we just got pants and shorts a few weeks ago I knew they had them at home I wanted a dressier nicer shirt for them all, that’s what they got. My little one got a dress. I started to not buy me the shirt I picked out I thought I really shouldn’t I need the money for other stuff I just decided that I need clothes once in a while too and that I wanted to look nice today as well. Maybe get some pictures of me and the kids together. I liked it when I put it on and felt good, then an hour later we get there and she says all that.

We get inside then she ask me who is paying for me and the kids or how we are splitting it up. I said I guess he is because the last time I paid for me, all the kids and then him too. I knew I was going to pay for me and the kids I planed on it, but I didn’t plan on paying for him as well. He says he paid for it but he told me he was giving me x amount of money for the week and then when I got it was short. He said he had to get dinner and gas. Really then I just bought your dinner and gas because you took it out of what you told me you were giving me. Plus I had told him I didn’t have money for that today and I didn’t want to be there why am I paying to be a part of something I don’t want to go to? They are the ones insisted we come they would take care of it. If I had the money I still would not have went there. I would have went somewhere else their idea was there or another place that I do not like most anything on their menu so I said fine lets go there. I don’t like sea food and that is about all the other places has. It would have cost the same either way if not more to go to the other place. I was told pick where to go and when I did it was shot down to these two other places so whatever.

We ate me the kids left about ten or fifteen minutes before them we were done and needed to stop at the store across the street so I figured by the time we got out of there they should be done and coming out and I had to get out of there because I was about to start crying right there at the table. My sisters dad, my step dad lives close to where we were going and she said she started to call and ask him to come eat with us but didn’t. She said she figured my mom would say something but then she said she didn’t care but she didn’t because she figured he wouldn’t come he never does. When she said she figured mom wouldn’t want her to I said you should have anyway it isn’t any of her business. I was going to say see him as much as you can and don’t worry about when or where it is or who likes it. But I couldn’t I had to stop because I just started crying. I stopped myself before anyone seen but I was fighting it. I everyone was done eating they were going back and forth to get dessert and I had finished and was eating my salad. My 4 got done I said we are going to go so we can get in and out of the store so we aren’t holding everyone up later at the park and left.
I don’t know why I started crying, I hadn’t cried over my dad in a while. I wasn’t even really thinking about him until we started talking and she said that, as soon as I went to say what I was going to say it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I still haven’t figure out why I was fine once we left. Only thing I can figure is maybe because I have already had all the shit with RC on my mind, maybe because I have such a hard time with being around my mom and dealing with her and Father of the Year and I just want away from here and them, I don’t know. I miss him I miss him a lot but I don’t dwell on it and I don’t sit and think about it all the time. I try to keep busy remember the fun times and keep on keeping on. I did think today about how the first Easter after he passed was what a mess it was and things. How I came home with a six pack but didn’t end up drinking it. But even then it was a fleeting thought because of something that happen or was said today and that was it.

I am just glad to be through the day and home sitting in my bed relaxing and getting the kids to bed and ready for school tomorrow.

{February 25, 2017}   Cravings

The last few days the cravings have been crazy and for odd things I hardly ever eat and shouldn’t be eating. My friend keeps laughing and saying it is from the other night and the kids are getting another sibling. I know it is from being sick and eating like crap the last week or so. Mostly from being sick, I will get this way when I have been really sick.

I made a homemade stew sometime this week and I have craved it for days. I ate the last of it Wednesday and Thursday. Was disappointing when I seen the empty left over bowl in the sink this morning because I wanted some more. I ate a huge bowl of it last night too. Oh and eating way to much I will do that too, when I find what I am craving I eat way to much of it at one time.

Yesterday why I was out with the older kids and Wanda I bought Salami¬†and nutter butters. I couldn’t find the Salai¬†I wanted so I ended up with the little round slices like you would put on pizza. I ate them on the way to the pet store and some on the way home. I passed them to the back so the kids could have some while I ate my nutter butters. I was craving the peanut butter and cracker so it wasn’t as good since I got the nutter butters and not the crackers. I thought it was the peanut butter I wanted more really but I was wrong. But it still helped the craving so that was good. Later I asked the kids where the Salami¬†was and they said they had eaten it all. I wanted more of it even though it wasn’t that good. That is when I ended up eating the huge bowl of stew.

Today I have been eating potato chips and french onion dip. I never eat chips, if I eat them 4 times a year that is a lot for me. They just aren’t something I eat much of, unless my body needs salt, I know when I start craving chips that my body is wanting them for the salt. I will eat a ton of them. I sat here and ate part of a bag with dip before we went to the store and things. I just came in here and sat down to read and write and the first thought was I need some chips and dip. I knew before I went to get them that the dip got left out and sure enough it did. It was still sitting on the dishwasher open from this evening when I had some. I forgot it and oldest did not clean the kitchen up as I asked or she would have seen it. I looked at it stirred it up not that it needed it and tasted it. It tasted find so I have decided that with the amount of preservatives in it I am probably pretty safe because I don’t think the stuff would rot in 6 months and it has only been out a few hours. I started thinking about how dip is used a lot at parties and look how long parties last with things like that sitting out on the table for all to help their self to? I last for that kind of stuff then just sitting there should be fine for mine too. I know if I get food poisoning I can blame no one but myself. But I am craving them so bad right now and there is nothing in the house that sounds good other than them. Look at all I think in my head to try and make it okay, what is wrong with me? That is not right lol.

I think the oddest thing I crave when I don’t feel good or sick is sex. I don’t know why but I want sex more when I am sick and not feeling good as well. So whats the oddest or craziest thing you crave when your sick?

But on the bright side I hope this means I am getting over this and will not be sick next week. I have things to take care of and places to go.

{November 29, 2016}   Baby Boy

Sunday my sister text and said to pray for a friend she was in ICU and they didn’t know if she would make it. I called her to see what happen.

She said that our friend had lifted or moved furniture and started bleeding. She is pregnant with her 4 baby, so really bad. I guess it took her a little bit before she went to the hospital I don’t know why she was scared or what. She has bad anxiety when it’s time to have the baby and things.

When they finally got her to the hospital they said she turned white and started getting sick. They got her right back and said if she had waited any longer to come in she would have died. They put her to sleep and took her in for an emergency c section. When they got her open they said her uterus was transparent. They delivered the baby and ended up having to work on her for 5 hours. They had to shock her and everything else why they were working on her. They came out and told her family and little girls that they did not think she was going to make it. They ended up taking her uterus and one of her tubes out. They had to give her 7 bags of blood, 3 bags of platelets and 3 bags of plasma. They she made it through the surgery and was put in ICU to control her blood pressure and things like that. They wanted to let her wake up for a bit then put her into a coma to keep everything down and let her body rest. She was ok when she came to and they decided I guess not to do the drug induced coma. They had to let her come to so she could sign papers for someone to take care of the baby, see the baby and make decisions I guess about the baby as they had taken him from that hospital to the big children’s hospital in the other county. They said she has to stay there at least a week because they have to monitor her blood and make sure it straitens out.

My sister told me Sunday she thought she was over 30 weeks but not 31 yet. We were talking about the baby, I said he had a good chance at making it if she was that far along. I didn’t know how much but probably ¬†little better than 50% but I could be wrong. He was 2lbs when she had him, I know they will send them home at 3 lbs now if everything else is ok.

Yesterday I took my friends boyfriend to a meeting and the hospital, when he got out we went and picked him up and took them to wal mart. I had to take the kids to the bathroom and I got a text that said the baby was only 27 weeks and they were taking him off the ventilator. I started to cry right there in the bathroom all these kids around in there. I called her and was asking her why and why they thought he wasn’t going to make it did he have other things wrong or was he just not developed enough? She said no that he was ok that they took it out of his mouth earlier that day and put it in his nose and that they said he was doing good enough they felt he did not need it and would breath fine on his own. I was re leaved to hear that. All I could think was she needed to be over there with him and that he was over there by himself and why would they do that with no one there and things. I was thinking I should try and go over there if I could but I didn’t know how I would do that when I didn’t have anyone to watch the kids or gas to get there.

They moved the mom out of ICU yesterday said she was doing better but still had to stay. They had to give her two more bags of blood yesterday and said they would need to giver her more before she left so she still could’t go.

Please pray for baby boy and his mommy that they both continue to get stronger the next few days and are able to be back together soon.

I have been thinking about this for while now. Then ex brought it up for some reason last night. When me and RC were together he was going to go to some of my doctors appointments with me. He wanted to go to the ultra sound with me and of course be there when I had the baby. I was happy he wanted to. When I had the u/s at the hospital that night and they wouldn’t let him go back he asked me if I had looked at it. I told him no they didn’t let me and I didn’t even really think to ask them. I was so upset with everything that was going on. He said he was glad I didn’t he wanted us to see it together for the first time.

After everything that has happen and now that we are not together I don’t want him at the doctors with me. They really don’t do anything anyway check for heartbeat and things like that make you pee in the cup and send you on your way. There were a few that I would want him to be there for if we were still together so we could decide what to do and things. But at this point I really don’t even care if he is there nor do I really want him there. I plan to pretty much do the same with this one as I did with my other 3. I may have done some things different if we were still together and he really wanted to. But as far as I’m¬†concerned¬†we aren’t together he has pretty much lost say in what I do. Mostly just test they offer and extra test they may offer because of my age and things. I never got any of the test with my other three and the extra test I really don’t want them either. One the test aren’t correct enough to really make any¬†decisions¬†off of. They can say something and there be nothing wrong in the end. Two no matter what the test says I am still keeping the baby no matter what. Three because the test results are so unreliable I don’t think I would really prepair any differently than normal no matter what they said. But I know everyone else would always be talking about it and worrying about it and putting their two cents in if it got out. He is the dad and if we were together then I would like I said talk it over with him and see if it would be something he wanted to do or not. But just me I don’t plan to do any of them.

I will be getting an¬†appointment¬†to go get the 20 week u/s done when I go to the doctor the first of the month. For some reason I am torn on this one. I kind of feel he has a right to be there and then at the same time I feel that if he really cared and wanted to be there things wouldn’t be the way they are. I am debating on if I should text/call him and tell him when it is and telling him if HE wants to come he can or just going and having it done and if he needs to know anything telling him. I don’t even know if I should tell him anything anyway the way things are. In a way I feel that if he contacts me and ask then fine I will tell him but if he don’t then why do I want to go out of my way to get a hold of him and tell him anything.

I really hope to be out of here by the time I have it so he won’t be there when I have it. I don’t think I will be contacting him to tell him when I have it either. He says he is going to be in contact around time for it to be born because he wants to take it to court and try to take it. I figure if I don’t contact him and he don’t know where I am then the longer I don’t have to be bothered with him. I feel bad because the baby should have it’s dad in it’s life but at the same time it shouldn’t be drug back and¬†forthwith¬†all the time and it shouldn’t be over there with drunks and things.

If he wanted to take it on the weekends and other times he was off and going to be there with it that would be fine. But I don’t want it taken and left with just anyone. The people he leaves his kids with are not people I feel¬†conferrable¬†leaving mine with. This women he has moved in with him I don’t know here but I know she was with a crack¬†addict¬†and things up until she came down here with him. Was with him for years. I don’t think¬†believe¬†that she isn’t doing something herself to put up with him all this time even after he almost killed her and her kids scared to death of him and everything. If he wasn’t going to fight me for it and try to take it and if he would bring it back and drop it off if he wasn’t going to be there with it then I wouldn’t care if he seen it and was in it’s life. Just like I told him before. But from the time he told me he was done he started and went back on everything he told me about if we ever had a kid together.

With the way he done things and going back on what he said and things he has told people that were supposed to be between me and him. I don’t feel I can trust him anymore about anything. I feel that if I am not going to be here when the kid is born and he isn’t going to be around why even bother with having him around now for things before it is here. I just hate it for the baby because the baby didn’t ask to be born into this and now it is and it isn’t fair to it. But I am not going to have my baby around druggies and drunks and things.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: