{May 17, 2020}   Emotional Breakdown

If you all seen my twitter post Thursday you know I bit the bullet and decided to go to the clinic on the way to work and see about getting on birth control. I hadn’t had a years exam in years so of course they had to do that before they gave me anything. I made the appointment an hour before work. I figured it shouldn’t take more and an hour and I was only a few miles a way from work. I should be no more than 30 minutes late. At the most maybe 45. Over 2 hours later I finally got to work over and hour late.

I got there right on time and it took the women forever to get me into the computer. Then she tells me it is going to be $100 to be seen. Had I known that I would of went to the other office for $25. I am trying to figure out if it is only $25 at the other and they both work from a sliding scale how is there a $75 difference between the two. I have been here before for things and never paid anything. I don’t mind paying but that is almost as much as going to a private doctor. Then I say something and she says she don’t have my kids on there as being in my house. I said well they are and I pay ever for them and get no help. She says I don’t know why it is showing that way and something else. I said how do we fix that? She like yeah let me see if I add them what happens. So then it takes forever for her to do that. But once she did it said I only paid $17 and some change for the day. Then I go sit and wait to be called.

A women comes out and takes me into the lab. I am thinking I am not getting lab work done why is she calling me back here? Then I think oh they always do a pregnancy test and I think it is done through the lab area last time I had one. She stops out side the door hands me the cup and tells me to do it then come into the lab. I do that and go in they check my weight ask when my last cycle and all that was. Then ask if I want HIV and some other blood work done. I say no right away. I am not up to being poked and fished around in. I am a horrible stick it was to early in the morning. They tell me it is included in the visit for the day. I tell them it didn’t matter I still didn’t want it. They ask if I am sure I tell her yes. They seem kind of surprised and said I don’t have to do it but it is offered. They kept telling me that I didn’t have to do it but it was available. Stressing that I could get it done.

I normally always do the HIV test, the rear times I get a yearly done and all the times I was pregnant and they offered it. I have never felt a reason to have it done or that I had done anything to need one done. But I don’t know why and I guess it is just the way my mind works and thinks. I always thought I know I don’t have anything and don’t need the test. But if they are doing blood and can do it all at once I should get it done. This way if anything was to ever happen and I was worried I may have gotten it or did get it, then I could always look back and say I didn’t have it at this point, this point or this point it had to of come from here or there. I always had the thought if I was in or at the hospital and they did something or a doctors office or helped someone some time and got exposed or was put at risk. Never that I would feel that I did something with someone I was worried about having it or catching it from. I know weird and crazy way of thinking. But I was not into it and not worried about it I turned it down.

They sent me back out to wait and a nurse finally came out and got me. As we are walking to the room she tells me they don’t have an open room for me she is going to take me to one room to start and will take me to another when they get it open. We go in the room and she ask me about 1000001 questions for what I think was an hour or close to it. Then leaves and says let me see if we have a room I will be right back. Come back in about 5 minutes and says come with me. We walk to what seemed like another building through the back halls and to another room. We go in and she asked more questions, went out came back and gave me my paper sheet thing to cover up with and put the chuck on the table. She says there is a male student doctor, intern or whatever she called him. We have to let you know and ask if it is okay for him to observe I thought she said. I am thinking really can this day get any better. This has taken forever I am past late for work now and, and now I have a student coming in to watch them poke and feel around down there. I said sure why now. She said something else. I said once you have had 4 kids everyone has watched and seen you why not let him. She about died laughing and said i was going to say they are trying to learn give him a chance. She went out I took off my clothes and sat there with my paper over/around me the best I could get for as small as it was. It seemed like forever before they finally came in.

The student and doctor came in. The student says hi I am so and so and I am going to be DOING your exam and testing today. I am going to start with your breast exam and then we will do the rest of it. I am thinking I thought he was going to be watching. I don’t know what is worse really him watching or doing it. I don’t know why it matters but I just did but didn’t at that point really. I don’t know I have had male doctors do them before.

When I was pregnant last I ended up in the ER with all my vitals dropping and passing out if I moved. A male doctor, nurse and tech all came in. One said here is a gown put it on. I was waiting for them to go out the next thing I knew I went to sit up and one was pushing me back in the bed telling me to lay back down. One was taking my clothes off, one was hooking me to machines and the other was sticking iv’s in my arm and doing more test.

That didn’t bother me but for whatever reason this kind of did. Not enough to tell him no he couldn’t do it. It was more of an annoyance thing I think. Because I already was. So we got started he checked my breast and then moved on to do the rest of the exam. Honestly as many times as I had them done I hardly felt him do anything. Most the time it is very uncomfortable and it hurts when they do the test and everything. I hardly knew he was doing anything or even touching me. When he was finished with the test and did the exam of the organs and things he told me what he was going to do and do it all and it didn’t even hurt. I didn’t have any spotting or anything after.

When they first came in they asked about birth control I told the doctor that came in with him I wanted the ring. She asked if I wanted it or if I had talked about it with the nurse or that she seen I had. I don’t know. She said they did not offer it she could give me a script for it. I said okay that was fine that is what the nurse said. Then she says do you know how much that cost? I said no that was going to be my next question. She said I think about $130 monthly. I wanted to cry. She said let me look it up why he does the exam and all that. I said okay. She looked it up and said that it was between $59 and $62 at a couple of the stores close there with a discount. And that was still monthly. I said okay that wasn’t an option. At this point I just wanted to bust out and cry. I was so upset and really annoyed at this point because had I known that I probably would of never went, I wouldn’t have missed work and be paying for a wasted visit. I don’t want the implants they keep pushing and talking about, I got pregnant on the pills with my oldest and even the nurse said the shot wasn’t a good option for me. I ended up with a low dose pill. I wasn’t happy but figured I should get something and try it and that was my only option. They gave me a 3 month supply. They said come back in two weeks for test results and call when I open my third pack of pills and tell them I need a supply appoinment. They said they give you three months to see how you are doing with them. They said some people love them some hate them or don’t do good on them. It takes a few months to really see how your body is going to respond to them. If you like them and want them they will give you the rest of the year supply for them at that appointment and your good until next year.

I was ready to have an emotional break down by the time I left and I was surprised at how I felt and how upset i was over it. They could tell I was in a much different mood when we were done than when I went in. Three or more of them asked me if I was okay if something was wrong and everything before I left there.

I was just upset because it is like I work my ass off, I do do and do and make sure everything is taken care of and everything else. I can’t even afford to take the birth control I am comfortable with taking, the form I feel is best for me. I already don’t take my depression and anxiety meds because I can’t pay to see the doctor every three months and the therapist every week like they make you see in order to get them plus the price of the meds and then the missed time at work on top of that. Now something as simple as birth control I can’t get either because it cost to much.

It was just that let down feeling that no matter how hard you try even simple little things don’t fall in place. I feel like I am trying to be responsible and do the right thing and this is how it turns out for me. I am supposed to trust these low dose pills when I got pregnant on the pill before. I am supposed to just get these implants that really aren’t that great for you and cause a lot of problems for a lot of people. I have a hard enough time on the pills with my moods and hormones I don’t want an implant. I seen so many say they pulled them out their self because of how bad they felt and the doctors tell them just wait it out for months some like 6 to let your body adjust or take forever to get them back in to get it out. Them moving and causing problems just to much. I have done a lot of research and felt really comfortable with using the ring. I am one who don’t like to take or use a lot of meds and things you all know if you read my blog. I am not a fan of birth control because so many have such nasty side effects. I asked about the patch I used it before. I was okay with it but didn’t like the fact it came off sometimes and there was always a spot from where you wore it for the month or week whatever it was. But I would rather that than the pills or anything else if I could not get the ring. They didn’t have it either I think she said and it cost a lot too. I liked the ring because it was the same idea as the patch pretty much just inserted vs. wearing it. I figured I would probably do alright with it as well.

By the time I left there I was ready to just break down and cry. I felt like I just needed one of those cries where you have held it all in for so long and you can’t anymore. But of course I had to. I had to suck it up, hold it in and go to work. I even thought about calling out of work. I thought about calling telling them I had issues at my appointment and wasn’t coming in. I thought about going to see JW before going to work. It is almost 20 miles the other direction but I just wanted to go to him and be with him for a few minutes. I just wanted him to hug me. I just wanted to feel his arms around me, pulling me into him and holding me. I wanted to feel safe and like everything was going to be okay. That I wasn’t in this alone. I just wanted him to make it better. I knew there wasn’t anything he could do but I felt just being there him holding me everything would be okay. But I figured they would be busy and he wouldn’t be able to come out or would only be able to for a second and that I would just be more upset and probably wouldn’t go to work at that point. I wanted to just get his keys as well and go to his house and go to bed for the day. I felt so bad and didn’t want to be around anyone else but him and I knew he couldn’t leave work. I figured I would just go get in his bed, cry and sleep for the day. But I did the responsible thing and went to work. I held it together and made it through my day. Like I always do, no time for a melt down or pity party or a break down for me. Have to get up and keep going and stuff it all down. When it starts to boil over you stuff harder and plaster that fact smile on bigger.

{October 11, 2018}   To Sell or Not To Sell

I have been checking out trucks from one end of the state to the other, one side to the other and everything in between. I can not find anything under like $6000. If I do they are not in good shape.

I found one for $4280 what an odd price, but anyway it was a few miles from my house so I went to look at it. Me and oldest went, and checked it out. We pulled up there it sat we looked at it in it around it. It was nice for the price. No one ever came out to help us so we walked inside. There was an old guy and younger guy at a desk together. I ask him about it and the old guy started right away. Telling me it was his sons truck, how great it was, all the places he had been and how it wasn’t 4wd but it still hauled a boat like it was nothing. I heard boat and I almost left but I didn’t, but I should of. I had not gotten under to look for rust or anything like that yet but had decided I wanted to hear it run, so we went in then he said that. We took the key he said feel free to test drive it, so we did.

Thank god we were on back streets but they are still pretty busy and a lot of big trucks around. I went to stop and the break peddle sunk to the floor all the way and we were still going zoom down the street a few blocks. I stepped down it moved a tiny bit more but not much. By now i am standing on it and it feels like i am going to push it thorough the floorboard. But we stopped. But when we did there was a metal ripping away from metal sound. Not even a grinding like it needs breaks and the metal is grinding on the rotors. This was like metal ripping from metal. We easied it back to the old man’s lot and parked it. Oh and the check engine light was on and it had a miss like maybe a coil pak or something.

We walked back inside, I gave him his key back and ask him why the check engine light was on and what was the miss? He had no idea what I was talking about. Yeah right, wanted to know what I meant. Then I said and it has no breaks. What yes it does good ones I just checked it out a few days ago thats my sons truck or was I know its in top shape and breaks are good. I said look it has none, when I touch the peddle it slams to the floor in about half a second and I am still saling down the road. If I stand on it and almost push it through the truck it finally stops. But then it sounds like metal ripping away from metal not even like grinding like the rotors would sound. He got mad but was trying not to lose his cool you could tell. The younger guy sitting across the desk from him looked like he could not believe I just called him out on all this went into detail what it sounded like and didn’t sound like and that I knew what it all was. He look at the floor and me and look like he was trying not to laugh at the old guy getting called out by a women. Old guy said come back in a few days I am going to have it looked at there was nothing wrong with it a couple days ago. I laughed said bye.

We got outside oldest said he seem like he got mad. I said yeah because he seen women easy target money maker. When a women came back told him all the problems he did not like it. His easy target wasn’t so easy now she knows her stuff. I said you notice he said come back in a few days he have it looked at? I said he don’t want me to come back and he isn’t going to have it looked at. If he did and was and there were truely no problems and it ran so good he been all over about how sorry he was we were out there with no breaks and things and saying he was going to get it looked at right away. He would of wanted to take my number and let me know as soon as they figured out the problem and fixed it in hopes I would come back and buy it.

I knew something was up it says in his add it is worth over $6000 but selling for $4280 what a great deal just don’t need it anymore. If you know it is worth that much more and your a lot then why would you not try to get at least that for it then have room to haggle when people come but still make some money. Needles to say we won’t be going back. Other than that they are all a lot.

I am going to turn my application in then message the guy who wants mine tell him after looking I can’t find privet owner under $6000 and dealer most are more. See what he says.

If I could find a decent one for around $3000 to $3500 and I could get the ranger for $500 to $900, I would say give me $5000 call it even. The guy has had the ranger for about 2 weeks. If he still has it I bet he would take $500 for it. I have a feeling it must have something wrong with it or someone would jump on it for that price. But maybe because we are going into holidays people just aren’t buying. And right now things are up there in price. Most the time this time of the year things are cheap because people aren’t buying because of holidays. But at $900 I would think someone would jump on it that is looking and need something. I don’t know.

I am going to also ask him if he has anything for me to do for work tomorrow so I can make some money to pay my phone bill and car insurance.


{October 10, 2018}   Truck For Sale

He finally showed up to the diner right at 9 like he had said. I did not know it was him at first a big gold pick-up pulled up next to me facing the other way. He got out and walked around I got out and walked around to the other side of the truck. I was going to open doors and things for him to check it out. Then he ask what I was doing today if I was in a hurry to get to work? I toldnhim no I didn’t have to work until 2 I was free until then. He ask if I had someone with me. I told him no. The he ask if I would join him for breakfast. I said sure, I wanted to talk to him about work and things anyway.

We walked inside boy if looks could kill. There was an elderly couple sitting out front they had been watching me since I parked and then didn’t get out. Then he pulled up got out we talked and then went inside together. Felt like I had daggers sticking through me. Made me kind of mad but I didn’t say anything he goes there they know him and I would like to use this to make a little extra money here and there.

We sat down and they brought us drinks and we ordered. Wasn’t but a few minutes he was on the subject of Starfish and what was up with him and what was between us and what had or had anything been. I said nope we are just friends I tried to help him let him rent that room and things told him what happen. I said I never told him he had to leave even then I just said I can’t have this at my house you said x,y,z you can’t be doing this we need to sit down and talk. I said he disappear for days came back and left.

He said I don’t know about Starfish he just Starfish. I said yep what I say. I said he left I didn’t hear from him for month or two then out of the blue middle of the night I get message he needs to talk and we will for days week or more then I don’t hear from him again for weeks a month then I get a message again. I said Bff said she thinks I’m the only one who hasn’t turned my back on him even with what happen that I am that one consistent person he can turn to. He said again there is nothing between yall haven’t been? I said no I scare him and laughed. He said what, why, how? I said because I have my stuff together, I have a place a car and things like that. He knows I won’t and don’t put up with crap. He said I keep telling him he needs to at least have his own place and car and things. I said don’t get me wrong if I didn’t have kids and I was single I would live with someone be a roommate. I said I struggle and its all I can do to keep rent paid and toss a little money at bills here and there when I can. So I can see staying with someone or being roommates if your single. For him I think being at his moms is good because there really aren’t that many decent people around. I didn’t say that part to him but I do.

He ask me if I was still working for Bff’s husband and how close I was to him. I said I’m not. He said you worked there a while didn’t you? I said yes but I haven’t for a while. I said me and his wife are best friends but I don’t see him much. He wanted to know about their truck it is up to go on the repo list and things. I said I am not surprised. We talked a little. He said just don’t say anything I am trying to figure out how to handle it. I was told it was in the shop. I said I know it was too but she had to go out of town last night so he thinks it is out of town for now.

When we were talking about the truck and things, I said I wouldn’t think twice about getting in it going anywhere with my kids. He said that was going to be next question. He said would you go to GA in it? I said I was going to like last week. I said I was going to go to NC no problem. He said to visite or move? I said move he ask why I didn’t. I told him I was about to be homeless if I had to start over I may as well do it somewhere else cheaper with family. He said where is your husband or what? Where you ever married? I said yes he is about 5 miles away but don’t see his kids or pay a dime for them. I said if it gets paid or bought I do it all. I said my little ones dad seen her one time. He said thats not right. I said nope but its life.

Something was said about where I lived. He said so you must live close to here. I said you know where you stopped me the other day? He said yeah. I said I live right at the end of that street. He said where what house? I said go to the end the two across on the corner I live in the one here across from the spanish guy who has the trailer of yard stuff. He said oh I know where that is. How did I not know that was your truck all this time. I go by there all the time I have friends that live right on this street my son knows people. They are on the street that goes down the side of my house.

He paid for breakfasts and we walked outside he was taking pictures of the truck and things. i open it up showed him inside and things. He walked around the back was taking pictures of the side. He said I can not believe you deliver pizza’s in this big thing. I was kind of behind and beside him. I said I do what I have to do to make the money and get the bills paid. He cocked his head toward me and said no no don’t say that. I said its true or something at same time he said something as he was walking away. I laughed, I said not like that! Legally I do whatever I have to that is legal to make sire the bills are paid. He laughed. He said I know but you got be careful what you say or how you say things to people. I said yeah I guess.

I open the hood and things showed him we talked about the motor and things. He said something about jobs. He said his friend was quiting his job at the little store the other guy he thought was leaving. I said really. He said I will talk to him you go see him. I said okay. Then he said what are you doing now? I said nothing, he said why don’t you follow me up there I am headed there now we can talk to them. So I followed him to the store we went in and I talk to the guy he said he give my name and number to the boss. He said he worked 6am to 2pm. 6 days a week. I told him I could do that it would work out great for me. He said he would let his boss know. It is on the books and everything so I will get paid at least $8.25 hope more and over time. Oldest would have to get kids to school but I would be here to pick them up, here all after noon for homework and things, here for dinner and bed time. Even if I work Saturday if I am off by 2pm we have the rest of the day. A lot of times we don’t go out before lunch.

We left there he was asking again about bff’s truck if I was going by the shop. If I could stop in there without it seeming funny. I told him not it would seem odd and how they had taken it from there she had to go out of town. He said oh thats right. He said I think I am going to call her chat see if she can help us. I said she will. She dont want to be caught out in it and them take it and she is stuck. He said no and i don’t want to do that. I have to talk to her now get her in the loop and what to expect. She knows how her husband is and that it is what it is.

He said he was going to pick up the car he been telling me about he would get a hold of me in about 30 minutes. I figured it be longer. It was around an ho u r he wanted to know if I had a number for him. We talked he said he have to research it some. I told him that was fine let me know.

When we were eating he said he had a ranger at the lot. I remember back when Starfish saying he had one. Maybe a different one but don’t know. But I thought about it text him ask him if he still had it or had? He didn’t answer for a while then called me said he had but it sold. He said it was still there but being ship overseas it should of already been gone. I said oh well okay. Told him I was going to come look at it and crunch numbers. He said you can come look at if you want. I said now what good would that do me if I can’t buy it? I am looking for something to buy not just look at. He said well true but if you want to come by see it you can. I said okay. He said you have to go to work soon don’t you? I said I just pulled in figured I would get an extra hour or so if I can. He said oh okay i be in touch soon and we can talk about some work too.

He keeps calling me if I just text ask a question he won’t just answer he calls me. Then just hangs there. It’s akward to get off the phone. It isn’t like he is my bff or even someone I know well to chit chat with. Just like when I ask about him having a truck. He could of just said no sold it. In a text. Instead he calls then goes into all the details and says I can still stop and look at it. Then just nothing like he trying think of something to say. Then starts asking me shouldn’t I be going to work soon and things. It was like pulling teeth trying to get off the phone. 2 second text would of taken care of it.

I haven’t come up with a number yet they are hard to find a decent one at a good price. The ones I am finding are up there in price right now. So I do not know if this is going to work. But that just means mine is worth more if those are going for more. My head still feels like it is going to explode, I have had horrible headache since yesterday.  I am going to try and rest an hour or two before I start running for the day.

{July 9, 2018}   Made an Appointment

Sleeping Beauty just called me and said the guy wants to come look at my truck tomorrow. He said we needed to set up a time when he got off work to come look at it. I told him I had to work. He said leave the keys here and they would come look at it. I told him okay. I wish we could do it today so I could be here but the guy is off today. I told Sleeping Beauty I was off Wednesday morning if he wanted it and wanted to do something. He said okay. I told him I had one I wanted to go look at too I thought I may get if it was decent. Hoping maybe he tells the guy he gets on the ball.

I have to get it cleaned out today. The kids have tons of stuff in it. Make it look decent. I swear I get something else they are not putting nothing in it ever, toys, drinks, food, nothing at all. They trash it then I have to nag them to clean it or drive it looking a mess. Not happening this time. If they bring something and leave it trash it will go.

Just pray he offers a fair amount. I don’t think he would bring him if he wasn’t or he didn’t think he would. He seem to think he would when he said he would talk to him he knows I won’t take no low ball amount. I have not said what the lowest I would go either.

If I am selling something unless I know it is in top notch running good shape I won’t put a price on it. I tell the person interests in it to make me an offer. If its lower than I want I say I can’t let it go for that. Let the? Make another offer. Or tell them the high end of what I want and meet in the middle or at the least i will take.

If I am buying something I tell them I am looking for this in this price range out the door. If its a private seller I know the price I have an idea of how close to that price I am willing to pay before I get there. Then once I test drive and check it out that price may go down. I just tell them this is what I have they can take it or leave it.

Everything is pretty much riding on this truck selling in order for me to beable to have something to drive again. I am pretty sure he will buy it. If there is any problem it will be price. I think that is the only problem we will run into. But I am sure we can work that out unless he just tries to be an ass and rip me off like the other guy. But he didn’t before so I don’t think he will.

{June 15, 2018}   No Medication and Moody

I have not had my medication in a week or more now. I am not sure if I told you but with my insurance being messed up I could not get it.

I went to pick it up and they said it was $68 so I left it. I called latter to see if I could jusg get a weeks worth and they said it was $5 something for 7. I went and got them but I am out and have been for a like I said a week or so. I was thinking about it I had $5 and something to get another weeks worth so figured I would.

I was thinking if a months worth is $67 or $68 how was only a weeks worth $5 something? In that case it would be cheapet for me to just buy it weekly. I called and started asking questions and how this was and ask again how much it was. They said I had this big amount of pills left on one script and another large amount on another they cpuld run it and see how much it wpuld be. I said wait, you are filling it for everything I have left there? They said yes. I said so how much if I just want 30 days worth? He ran it and said $20. I said oh I wish I knew that before I would of gotten them sooner. I thought the price they gave me was for a month. So they silled it for just 30 days amd said I can get it that way if I wanted too. I was supposed to get it yesterday and had to pay the lights so I am going to pick them up tomorrow.

But I was shocked they were going to give me a 6 month supply at one time. I don’t want to pick that many up at one time. My luck something would happen to them and I would be out of luck and have no meds.

But the last few days boy have I been moody. I don’t like feeling this way. I have been really sleepy as well. Just makes me more moody.

{February 17, 2015}   Just Not The Same

My truck has a some problems and it finally got to the point I had to just park it and not drive it. Since then I have been driving my dads van. Its just something to get from point A to point B nothing in great shape. I had intended to replace the truck when I got tax money so I don’t want to put money into parts for it. I rather junk it be done. Father of the year says he is going to fix it instead of getting something else. More power to him.

Well I have been watching a few trucks on line I would like to check into. I got my money back and it is going fast. I haven’t spent it on anything just bills and things. I did pay the rent up until May. I probably shouldn’t have but I just felt it was something I needed to do. That took the most of what is gone.

I have been emailing, texting, calling people since Friday. One guy lets me think I could come look at it that evening then tells me oh he is out of town Until this week. The other one I text and text she never got back to me. It said text and if ad was still there then she still had it. I even went so far as to call that one I was really interested in looking at it. The other one over the weekend tells me he is also out of town until today. We have been emailing. I ask if I could come this evening never got a reply until a little bit ago. Then he wants to know if I can come Friday or Saturday. I don’t have someone to go with me and look at it Friday or Saturday. I can drive it look at it and most the time tell if something seems off. But I still feel better taking someone with me to check it as well. I told him I only had someone to go with me today and tomorrow to look not sure when I would have someone again. I haven’t heard back so we will see.

I drove tonight over to the other county and looked at one a guy had for sale and it was really nice. It’s a blue/Gray color it is 4×4 looks good inside and out. Runs good drives good. But they want about $1500 more than what I want to pay. I hardly talked to them I felt bad but as bad as I wanted to go look at it and everything once I got there I just didn’t want to be there.

I feel like I’m in a haze and just couldn’t get into really checking it out. I didn’t even test drive it I let father of the year drive it see what he thought. I didn’t even feel like talking to them about the price or to see if they would come down or work a deal. All I could think was I wanted out of there and wanted to go home. That fight or flight kind of feeling and just really down.

I couldn’t figure out why or what was wrong. On the way home I was thinking about it and my dad always went with me to buy my trucks and cars. Even if I went and found one I wanted most the time he ended up going back with me and checking it out when I bought it or just road along why I checked them out and made the deals. I always took him and made the deals when he buy a cars.

I knew he couldn’t go with me this time. I had thought about it couple weeks ago when I did my taxes and was waiting on my money. I was set to get it the 10th. I been looking at them to see if I could line something up to look at and get when I got it. I figured I could take it over and get him to come out and see what I got and get him out of the house too. He went with me that one day for a walk but wouldn’t let me take him out after that. I think the hassle of the wheelchair he didn’t like. But I figured I could get him to come out see what I got. 3 days before I got my money he passed.

I seems like anything I go to do he is missing. I don’t have a lot of people I hang out with or friends I go places and do things with. We all have so much going on they work in the day their kids have school and clubs when they aren’t in school. We homeschool have a few things we do. My dad the last 2 or 3 years has been retired the daytime when we are sitting here bored we go pick up grandpa and go yard sales, thrift stores, out to lunch or whatever just to get out of the house.

This I just feel so lost, even though I was mostly the one that did everything and always the one to make the deal and come to a agreement on the price and things it just so different without him there. He never tell me to or not to get something but he give me his in put on it and we talk about it and the options best deals and things. He say I heard this or see that or don’t think I would get it because of this. We talk about it I point out this or that and what I thought or knew it cost to fix what it was and what I was getting it for and what the blue book on it was and if it was worth it or not. Some we left some we take the gable and get. We never really went wrong. I think everyone I ever got or got him we got 4 or 5 years or more out of them with very little extra money put into them.

Now as bad as I need a new truck and something better than the van to drive I feel like I had to force myself to even get out of the truck and talk to the people tonight and I didn’t even know what to say to them. I couldn’t put my thoughts together to talk to them. I finally just told them that this was the first one I had looked at, I had a few more I was setting times to look at, I didn’t want to jump on the first thing I looked at and that I was tossing around a few different options that I would get back with them.

{February 12, 2015}   Going None Stop

Since my dad passed away Sunday after noon I have been busy trying to run around and take care of things. I feel like I haven’t stopped since I got up Monday.

I had to get up first thing and be almost 50 miles from home by 9:30 am. We had to go get my little guys cast off his arm and see how it was healing. They cut it off and took the x ray. The doctor came in said it was healed great and took the pins out. He said they don’t have to go to therapy for it because they can’t do anything with the bone. That he should have his range of motion back in 6  weeks. He wants us to bring him back to check it. We had to move it out to 8 because I wanted to make it at the other office. I’m so stressed and tired I almost had a panic attack getting on the elevator trying to get him to the 5 th floor and back down.

We got back stopped had lunch and I dropped them off at home so I could rush about 20 miles north to do what needed to be done with my dad. We told them to send him to one home and they sent him to some place different. We got there and they talk to us for a minute and then took us in to pick out a casket and urn. My brother said we could get urns somewhere else. I told him I rather do it there get it over with. I had looked at the insurance policy but wasn’t sure how much he had. It was one where it pays out so much the first year a little more but not much the 2 nd and the full ten at 3 or more. He hadn’t hit the 3 year mark. He would have hit the 3 year mark in May of this year. We were not sure how that worked. I asked the lady if she knew how all that worked because we really weren’t sure. She looked said she didn’t know either she thought the 2 nd year amount of $1,100 something. She said she would call them and see. After a half hour or more she came back said they said they were not 100% sure but they thought just that was right. They said they had to look at it and something else and get back with her at 3 yesterday.

I asked her once the cremation was all paid for and all the other fees that there were to cover how much money was left to cover everything else. She says and if you do just a standard box for $50. adds it on. I said no I don’t want a box I want to know that once you all get your money how much money is left? She said around hundred and something.

Well when we were sitting there before we were looking she asked what we were going to do with his ashes. My brother got this look like he hadn’t thought of it and was a little freaked out. I said I thought about putting them on grandpa’s grave but they say he was really close to his mom so I was thinking we could have them put there. But I would like to have them until we decide and can do something with them. He said ok. I think it creeps him out the idea of having them or messing with them. Even with them being closed up in something. He had no problem and said yes to fast. So when we first went back and was looking at caskets and urns I seen one I wanted. He said lets wait on it so we started looking at caskets that’s when we stopped to see how much was there to work with.

When we found out how little was probably there to work with I said lets pick out a casket and we will have to take what isn’t covered out of his money in the bank and cover it. He said ok. I told him since I was going to have his ashes I would cover the price of the urn. I knew he would freak about the price of it and want to pick a different one. I thought it said $895 but wasn’t sure. That is a lot I know but I liked it and I figured yes we could probably get it somewhere cheaper but how much cheaper maybe $50. I rather just get it done with. We picked a casket out we needed $175 to finish paying for it. I told him to take my dads money and pay for that. It was his money so it should be used for him.

I told him lets look at the urns pick one so I knew how much I needed to bring her back today. I knew I wanted the one and felt if I was going to have his ashes and paying for it I should get to pick. But I knew it was only right to let him have some say. He liked this one metal looking one but said it looked something. Then he found another like it just a different color. He liked them because my dad liked to collect little coper and brass figures. But when I looked at it I just didn’t see my dad. They had one there for people who liked to fish and one for people who liked to hunt. I liked the one for people who liked to hunt. My dad use to love going to camp and hunting and most all my life he did tree work for the company that cuts trees for the power company. So I picked the one for people who liked to hunt that had trees and leafs on it.  He came over looked at it more and said yeah that is nice I think that be a good one. So I told her I would bring her the Monday for it Wednesday. We had to go back Tuesday to see what the insurance people were going to do.

We talked about it Tuesday morning when we were looking through dads stuff. I asked him if it paid out the full amount did we want to change anything or leave it the way it was? We agreed we wanted to leave it the way it was. I knew I didn’t want to change the urn and the casket was really the only one they had we liked. I wouldn’t mind if it was picked for me. It is a light blue. It reminds me of the blue suits the guys use to wear back when my dad and grandpa were younger. It was kind of simple buy it was very nice and tasteful.

When I got there yesterday to go over everything with them and my brother he got there before I did. When I came in he said they were paying out the full $10,000. The lady acted like she wasn’t happy that we weren’t changing anything. And we decided not to get the urn from them. But that is a different post.

I am just happy that it is all taken care of and they are covering it and we didn’t have to worry about how to pay for it or what. That is one thing he didn’t want us to have to worry about or pay for. He would be really upset if he thought we had to. But I would have done it if we had to because I wanted to make sure he was taken care of. Just like the urn. I could have picked something for a lot less but I wanted something nice and that fit him. He has done so much for us I wanted to do this last thing for him. Even if like my brother said he would kick our asses if we spent that much on some of that stuff. But if they had something that I liked better I had no problem spending the full $10,00 for his cremation, casket and urn. That’s what the money was there for. Why when I first seen it and it and I thought it said almost a grand I wasn’t worried about it I figured the money was there may as well use it.

Today I spent getting bills and things taken care of around the house. I have let so much go this last month and a half or so. Between going to see my dad the kids appointments and just dealing with the depression and not feeling like doing anything. Bills have fallen behind, chores, house work, shopping are all such a mess.

et cetera
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