A Week of Monday’s

I do not know where this week went, I went to bed Monday and woke up it was Friday is how I feel. All the days in between were all a Monday’s something had to happen everyday.

Monday was just a bust because after giving everyone Friday off I had to take 2 hours off. I had to go to an IEP meeting then deal with child support. Got to work an hour late left an hour early. Was late to my second job from there.

Tuesday I open the door at work and lights are on I was trying to figureout if someone was there still or they had left. All of a sudden I start tripping over something and kicking something around. I yelled shit! Before I even thought. All of a sudden the one owner came running in. He had his dog there the day before and had sat a bowel of water back out of the way for her. I left early so I didn’t pick it up. He forgot about it when they left they don’t use the door it was by. He forgot I do I think or just meant to pick it up. It was under my feet and I was kicking it around, it spilled all over. I couldn’t get it from under my feet. I finally got around it. He was like I’m so sorry I forgot it was there and left it. I’ll clean it up don’t worry about it. So he did that while I was opening and clocking in.

Wednesday I go in I am running late but still on time. I woke up at time I should of been leaving. I stopped at the store for my coffee and water and needed gas. I realised I left my bank card at home. The only money I have is the change in the truck. So I was between work and home and running late. I had to decide to go back or go to work. I grabbed my coffee and went to work. I didn’t want to be late. I asked them at work if I could take $50 until the next morning for gas and to grab something to eat on my way to work. It was our night we went out too and I needed money. I told him I walked out without my bank card I have it the next morning. He said it’s almost pay day don’t worry about it we can take it out of that. That is what we did.

I was going to do my hair, make up and put on a cute outfit too. But I woke up at 9:28 had to be at work at 10. There was no way I could not take a shower so that’s all that go done.

 

This is how I felt like I looked. Not being able to sleep at night is really starting to get to me. I don’t know what I am going to do. I think I need to get back on my meds.

Thursday Thursday I had to go to the bank, water department post office and to pay a bill. Everything is in our down town area but the bill I needed to pay. I went took care of everything but the bill because they weren’t open. I tried to call and pay it and it ddeclined my card 2x. I am looking at the money I have in the bank it shouldn’t. I take time between jobs to run out of my way to pay it and it declines again. The guy there I know said it’s your bank they will not let you make this kind of payment with your card. I have to go pay them today because I couldn’t run all over town and go back.

Friday I laid down after I drop kids at school and woke up with 20 minutes to be at work. I got dressed stopped at the store I go to in the morning. I had to get my coffee not getting it isn’t an option. I get it get a few other things and sit it on the counter. I pay the lady reach over to get my change and knock my coffee over. It spills everywhere, counter, floor and just missed meme as I jumped back. There was a line full of people it almost got some of them. The lady behind me said I was watching and I still can’t figure out how that happen. I don’t either. I got another coffee and finally made it to work 7 minutes late.

Just a week of Monday’s.

 

 

3 A.M. Phone Calls

I met another one of our drivers last night at the trucking company. They were waiting on their trailer to get therr so they could leave out. He came in and was hanging out talking to us.

We were talking about me taking over and the other guy leaving and things. The driver says so I can call you and talk to you at 2 or 3 am then. He said I don’t call in to often with problems or anything like that. He said but you know you have that last 200 miles to go in the middle of the night you just need something to keep you going and awake. He said we can talk about anything I don’t even care at that point. I said oh well if I was here but I won’t be in here and I don’t have a phone for on call. He said you can still take my call keep me awake.

In a little bit the phone rang I answered it and it was one of the drivers he needed information I didn’t have. I put him on speaker so the guy training me could hear they were talking. He told him to hold on he had to call someone else ask them.

Why he was doing that the guy on the phone called me ask if I was still there. I said yes he asked if I was going to be working nights. I told him yes. I said evenings. He said oh good then can I call you at 3am? I said nope I won’t be here at 3am. He said but I can still call you. I said no because I go home at 10:30. He said something about once I get into full time. I said if he wants to put me on full time you can call at 3am if I am here I will answer. Handle all your problems for you. The other driver is sitting across from me laughing. The guy on the phone says you don’t have to be there for me to call you. You just have to answer no one else ever answered their phones. The one training me said dude she don’t have a phone for on call she was hired as in office. I said I have a full time job I work in the day time I can’t be on call. The guy on the phone said give it a few you will be full time and have a phone. I said I don’t know about that I guess we will see. I said if you all need me full time tell him he is only offering me part time it was made clear. He said yeah that won’t last.

He got his information and everything. I said okay you all good now have what you called in for? He said yes and something. I said okay then have a good night and remember no problems after 10:30 or your on your own to figure them out because I’m out at 10:30 get them all in before that.

The driver sitting there with me busted up laughing. The guy training me did. He said no I will still be here and he has my number too. I said see you blew it for yourself I had him down to no problems. I said okay you can call him with all your problems at 3am if you would like. I will be sleeping.

I got news for them they are not calling me all hours of the night if I am not in that office or getting paid to be on call. They aren’t my Circus or my monkeys after 10:30/12. By 3 I am finally getting to sleep myself to start my day over in 3 or 4 hours. Not like them where they get to get off for 12 or 13 hours before they are up again. I get that little window and then I am up again until that time the next night.

If they wanted to pay me decent I would do full time evenings over there. I could work at 3 but it would be from home the last few hours. I don’t want to work the days over there. The other guys I work with are alright but not ones I want to deal with work with all day and I would rather work the evenings than days anyway that seems to be when the drivers are wanting and needing someone. If I could do it on call from home they were paying me then I could keep my day job too. I be off at like 7am. I just tell them after 7 I am not answering my phone I’m off.

Never Gets Better

Bff’s hubby, my old boss left about a month ago to do trucking school and go over the road doing that. He had been back a few times since then but not much. She is seeing what it is really like to be a single mom and trying to do it all on her own and stressing about money and the bills. Of course the joys of kids who’s dad isn’t in the picture and him being gone and then home over night and gone again for a week or two at a time. They are giving her a really hard time over it all.

She is trying to find a job and they are upset about that and telling her she is never home now. She is always home she don’t work she takes them to school, picks them up, there to make dinner and do everything with them right now. They don’t know what it is like to not have her there.

She was saying now she is seeing what I have been saying about how hard it is and how you can’t just do this or that or go get a job, how much harder being on your own makes everything. How to juggle kids and school and two different schools and work and being there. How the kids have been giving her such a hard time about things and how they are fighting with each other and doing things they aren’t supposed to and fighting with her and bucking things. Not doing chores or going to school.

She said something about someone saying it will get better and how she fells or felt about it. I said they lie, it don’t get better, it never gets better. The only thing it does is change, it is always changing. It is the never ending story of changing. Next week, year, day or night even it will be something different. Just when you think it is going to get better it don’t it just turned into a different problem, a different issue with a different kid or the house or the car or job or whatever else that you can think of that could become a problem and even things you never thought would be a problem will become one. You just learn to roll with the punches and figure it out.

Everyone use to say that to me too, it will get better or you have to hit bottom and then it will be better. It can’t get any worse it has to get better now. I remember telling them no it don’t, it never gets better, it is always something. Even if this “gets better” something else happens so nothing ever gets better. How hard it is when yeah you have shit happen in your life and you get through it and you don’t stress about it you just whatever. They also have someone else there with them helping and shouldering some of the issue or whatever is going on. They have someone there that cares and helps or can take care of a lot of the issues that come up so they don’t have to worry about getting someone to fix this or that and if they do then they have the extra money to do it because they have the other income. They aren’t just hanging on by a thread trying to figure out how to get by much less deal with other problems and issues on top of it.

There is a difference in surviving, trying to survive and thriving. When your always trying to survive, little things are huge when they come up. When you are taking care of everything as it is.

Love Life

I am trying to be more positive and do like it says and love it regardless. Trying to not let everything that happens seem like such a big deal.

If I Go Missing

No need to send the search party to look for me, it will be, because WordPress won’t let me on. The last couple times I tried to pull the site up it wouldn’t come up. Just a big circle with a w in the middle. I think this is what Tabi said hers did and she had trouble posting and things. Hopefully someone knows how to fix this and I can get it taken care of rather quickly here. I wonder if there is anything I can do to fix it before it blocks me all the way. I do not have time to look for it this morning but I will look more tomorrow. I will try to get on from my phone but then it is a mess and pain to do. I have hard time seeing I really need to get my glasses. But anyway I will try to be back after I get kids feed bathed and in bed tomorrow. They should be tired from getting up early and spending all that time walking around on our trip. Just thought I would let you all know I may get sucked into the wordpress pit and not be around for a bit. Crossing everything and hoping not.

The Past isn’t Always The Past

I seen the therapist last week but since this coming week is Thanksgiving she couldn’t get me in. I am set to go back the week after Thanksgiving. So far I think I have been two or three times it was two weeks in between this week and the last time as well. I am not worried about the time between it’s fine.

My thing is that I feel like all we talk about is what has went on the last week or two since I seen her last and how I am feeling. I feel like we need to talk the past and what happen. I don’t know why I just feel like there is something there, I don’t know how to explain it. We went over the basics of what has went on the last 4 years or so but just the getting a divorce, fighting for it, RC leaving, going to school things like that.

I don’t know if it is what all went on as much as how fast it all happened. As far as how fast mine and Father of the years relationship started and then how fast mine and RC’s was. If I meet someone else is it going to be the same? I seem to go from one extreme to the other and not much in between. I really don’t want to meet someone and end up like before. I also don’t want to end up putting all my plans and wants on the back burner. I do that is why I am just now in school, I’m living where I am. If I hadn’t put my plans on the back burner then I would have moved a way from here long ago.

But I don’t know I feel like that isn’t really what she is in to. It really isn’t she is more into fixing what is wrong now. I’m not with anyone now so all that isn’t a problem right now. I don’t know maybe I am talking to the wrong person but who would I talk to I have no clue. I guess I will keep going back and see how things go.

He Didn’t Raise His Hand

In my last post I wrote about how the kids did their final play of the season this weekend. They did 4 shows 1 more than the other 2 groups will be doing. They did a special show Saturday afternoon for a group of special needs kids. A Autism special sensory showing.

A Representative from the group came in to talk to them during tech week. ¬†They wanted to think them for doing the show and explain to them what to expect from the kids. So they understood and knew they weren’t just being rude.

My oldest said they asked the them if they knew anyone with Autism and the kids raised their hands who did. She said to me mommy I raised my hand but brother didn’t. I asked right a way what she said when he didn’t and if they asked who they knew that had it and what she said. She said she didn’t say anything and that they asked some of the kids but not her.

I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t raise his hand at all. He don’t know his diagnoses. He was young and didn’t really know what was going on when they tested him. Even now he knows we go to meetings at the school and things but he isn’t there and don’t know that it is any different than any other did in school. For him it isn’t because all the kids in his school’s parents have meetings at the school.

I haven’t hidden it from him I talk pretty openly in front of him about it he just don’t ask or listen to what is going on most the time. He is to busy playing and doing his own thing. I treat him like all the rest of the kids and push him to do all the same things I expect from the other kids. I know he won’t do them all just right or may not be able to do some and that is fine. I just want him to try. I don’t want him to think that he is different and can’t or shouldn’t and I don’t want him to try and use his Autism as a excuse for not doing things or trying things because he don’t want to or because he thinks it might make it a little harder for him.

I don’t want him to feel that there is something wrong with him, less or different than the other kids either. Like now when he goes out and tries to play with the kids around our house and they leave him out or aren’t nice to him. He don’t see it as them doing it because he is a little different or because there is something wrong with him. He see’s it as they have a problem and there is something wrong with them for being mean and treating people the way they are. If he seen it the other way around it might keep him from being as social and friendly as he is and from trying to make friends and things.

The way I look at it there is something wrong with them more than there is him. He isn’t doing nothing but asking to be their friend and to play ball with them. He knows he don’t know how to play but ask them to show him and tell him what he needs to do. Nothing any other child who don’t know how to play something would do. They are the ones who want to exclude him because he don’t talk as plane as they do and don’t know how to do the things they know how to do. I have raised my kids that as long as they are being good to you and are nice and not being mean or nasty and treating you bad you be nice to them and include them if they want to play. That’s how it should be. When we are with friends and their kids they don’t know anything really about him and the Autism but they all play and get along.

So no it didn’t surprise me that he didn’t raise his hand when asked. It don’t bother me that he didn’t and thinks that if people don’t want to have something to do with you when your trying to be nice and friendly. There is something wrong with them not you.

Others may disagree with me on letting him think there is something wrong with the other person for not wanting to have something to do with you. Because I know sometimes people don’t want to have anything to do with you if you have done something you shouldn’t or have been nasty or mean. Lack of better words but we are talking about kids so fits. But my son also knows when or if he dose somethings it makes people not want to be around you and that when you have done something you shouldn’t and they don’t it is him in the wrong and not them. Because he will tell me so and so did this or that and it isn’t nice or it was gross and I didn’t play with them today. Or that he did something and someone got upset with him and didn’t talk to him or play with him. He knows that you need to say your sorry and try to work things out and fix them.

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