{October 29, 2019}   Is There Something Wrong

I have been watching a lot of tv lately as well when I haven’t been on here. I wanted to watch something on netflix so I signed up and watched it and I have binge watched I don’t know how many shows all the seasons and then some had new season come out and I went back and watched those. Some have a bunch of seasons like Cold case or Forensic files things like that. I go through and pick out the most interesting ones and watch them.

I don’t know why I have been so into watching t.v lately as I had not watched anything hardly since I started working the two new jobs. Here and the car lot then the trucking place. I would watch a show with little bitty at night when I was off but that was it. We would watch something when we would go to bed at night. Then I started getting home long after she went to bed I hadn’t been watching anything. But now I think that phase has passed for a bit. I can’t find anything that holds my interested anymore. The shows I really like are over for this season.

Thinking about it before that it was podcast I was listening to them and I had never listed to them before. But I did for months and listen to show after show on a bunch of them finished some even. But lost interested in them pretty quickly as well. Well if you count two or three months quickly. It really is I guess. I had tried to get back into the pod cast the last few days I need something for background noise but I just can’t find anything to listen to. I use to use music but it isn’t working either.

My blog has kind of been the same for me I can get into it and be on here and write every day or few days for a while then I drift off for a while then things cycle back around.

But for me it seems to be happening more and more often than before. I lose interest quickly and have a hard time finding something else to fill that spot. I don’t know if it is to do with other changes I have noticed that seem to be getting worse or if it is just me and the spot I am in right now and it is just how life is.

I am wondering if the effects from my concussion I got back when I wrecked my truck in 2015 are getting worse. I don’t know if that is even possible or not. I never seen a doctor but the one time they said I had one rest blah blah. But as I have said in other post I see a big impact on my concentration, understanding, reaction to things and more. It takes me a minute to process what someone says. They can say click on this or that on this spot of the screen it it looks like this. I am moving the mouse but on the other side of the screen and looking for it. I know what they said but I have to get the mouse think about what they said then really look at the screen and find what they are talking about even if i have done it a dozen times before. It sounds like oh well everyone has to do that or what but it is different. You someone says do this or that you just do it kind of automatic there is no just react automatic response anymore. I hear what they say but I have to stop and think about it say it to myself in my head and take a few seconds to get it and then carry it out.  In the mean time they are sitting here waiting for you to do something see you doing something different or looking around lost or clueless and think your stupid or something. It isn’t it you just don’t have that response like most do. To try to explain that to someone they look blankly at you like your stupid or they have no clue what you are talking about or wonder why you are telling them this just do what they asked.

Spelling I know has not ever been my strong point but had gotten a lot better. Now I will write the wrong thing know it isn’t right when I am doing it but still do it and have to then go back and fix it. Or put the wrong thing and not even know it but when I go back and read it know right away that I put the wrong word and have no idea why I put that word because it isn’t the word I wanted or even close or anything to do with the word. The other day my boss said put take boys to soccer on the calendar for me please. I pulled the day up put the time and put take boys to scooter. I knew that something wasn’t right when I did it but went on filling everything else in. My boss said soccer. I said yes I know he said you put scooter. I looked and was very confused why I put that I knew then why it didn’t seem right when I was doing it. When I was typing it out it didn’t seem right I couldn’t figure out why because he said put soccer I did. I know how to spell soccer no problem but it turned into scooter.

I can be in the middle of doing something and forget what word I need and use some other word that makes no since at all while talking. Not just writing. I have had things right in my face and for the life of me can’t tell you what it is. Simple things like a jacket or book.

I know everyone dose things like that from time to time and you just get busy, stressed or tired whatever and mess up. But this isn’t like that at all. This is different. Even my oldest has pointed things out when I am reading or i say the wrong thing or we are driving and I know where we are going go a 100 times a year and I go the wrong way or forget where I am going half way there and have to ask her where we are going. What I was supposed to be doing or what.

It is starting to bother me. I don’t know if it is just the being more busy having to think more and do more have more task to get done at one time or what it is. But it seems like it is all happening more and more often and I don’t like it.

I don’t know what to do about it or for it or how to change it. I don’t know if it is from what happen before or something else. I feel like if I go to the doctor they are just going to blow me off and act like I am crazy it’s normal people do that kind of thing once in a while. But I don’t  know how to make them see it isn’t once in a while. But really what could they do anyway? I think it also plays a factor in why I haven’t written as much even when I have things to write about. It is just harder to focus and get it out.

Just like with the tv, radio and pod cast I could jump from one to the other to something else through out the day or week and not bother me lately it’s like I have to play one until I am bored with it and can’t find no more before I can move on. Once I go back to it or to something else still can’t find something to keep my interest. Things I have liked to watch for years or listen to I don’t anymore. Just changed over night almost it seems.

{March 11, 2019}   Get Through The Week

If I get this job this Wednesday will be the last week I can go to Applebee’s with bff and whoever goes for a while because I will work until 10 or 11 and then have to drive home.

I will have Saturday and Sunday free now so Sunday won’t be a problem. But I may stop going and doing that as well. Depending how Wednesday and this Sunday go. I told bff tonight that as well.

I just need time to work on all that has happen this last 2 or 3 weeks and dealing with the bullshit from him. He don’t fully know how I feel about him but he knows I do. Like I told her as much as I do I can’t keep dealing with the text like I got this morning. Like I said no one could beat me up more than I have myself or will. But I don’t need it drilled in anymore from him either. I am trying to forget it all deal with my feelings and myself over it all and move on. I am okay with it just not how it happen and that he will not say why.

Like I told her I don’t want to run him off, I’m not saying he is there that is why I’m not coming kind of thing. I am not coming because I need space and time and with out all the bs. I need to deal with myself that is all. I don’t mind him around the kids like him around he is fun to hang out with and will help in a jam.

She just said get through the week see how things go. Then we will see. I don’t know what she is thinking. I told her not to say anything to him about it i just want to see how the week ends up on it’s own.

et cetera
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